Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, everyone.

After a bit of a scary start following the loss of all of my content since I joined her 2 years ago, I'm off and running with a new blog. My first blog heavily chronicled my fears and doubts, and explained how I simply couldn't continue without doing anything about my ongoing feeling that my body was wrong...

Fast forward to now. I've been on HRT for two years. Changes have occurred. Instead of a place to vent my fears and search for my identity, Susan's has become a place where I share my story with friends and support them, as well as others who might wander in here.

Many thanks to the friends here who have supported me so far.

Happy 2 year anniversary.

I agree with everything you said. 

I guess being 61, we are fairly close in age and have similar experiences.

Thanks, Rachel.

I was able to grab a few of the posts from the original version of this thread from Google's cache, so I'll look through them and post them here if I find them to be of value.

In other news, I seem to get the stupid newbie verification thing wrong the first time, pretty much EVERY TIME.

I really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

Quote from: Gina P on January 06, 2024, 02:53:44 PMI really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

Thanks, hon. For those reading along, it's a FaceApp rendering of me, but it's stunningly similar to the way I currently look.

Hey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 06, 2024, 08:06:24 PMHey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

Hi, O&C. If you mean to ask if my comments above were informed by conversations with younger folk, then yes, indeed. Oh, and by "younger", I mean people in their late 20s, 30s and 40s! They had a lot to say, and it was pretty discouraging. I defended Susan's, but I was kind of in the lion's den, and I couldn't effectively dispute all of their points, because they weren't all wrong. I just told them that it's a great format and there are great people here. From my perspective, that "it takes every kinda people" perspective only goes so far when you're young and idealistic. The same could be said for many older folx, though...

I might be completely wrong, but the fact that there are thousands of active users in that space, with hundreds online at any given time is, to me, a sign that they either prefer that (stream) format and/or they don't want to be here.

The whole thing is a major shame because it's pretty near impossible to stay on one thread/topic for very long, as it gets buried in the stream of comments - more like a chat room than a forum. And going back to refer to informational posts is impractical

Susan's provides anonymity, a treasure trove of reference materials from folx with widely varying experiences, and the ability to curate and develop a conversation to a productive conclusion. Can't do all that anywhere else, in my opinion. That's why I've donated (a small amount) to the site several times, continue to donate, and hope it stays around.

Anyway, I'm sorry it was so harsh. I was in a pretty dark place and I was feeling angry and down. But I'm a lifetime fixer of things and I make my living my carefully working online spaces for maximum engagement, and it would be a mistake to stick our heads in the sand over this. As I mentioned, I feel that we need some of those people to join our ranks. Taking care to avoid being overly restrictive regarding content was a great start.

Hey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong... ;) 

Quote from: imallie on January 07, 2024, 01:36:11 AMHey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong... ;) 

Lol. Words of wisom, Allie. I think. Lol.

Onward

I managed to scavenge a few entries from Google's cache of the "old" blog, but there's so much missing, I'm not sure there's any point. Let's just put it this way:

I came out to myself recently (11/2021) and didn't waste any time starting HRT. I'm still (as of this entry) presenting male and I'm not afforded the opportunity to dress feminine. I'm not even sure what I want - my previous blog was full of my complaining about all of this, and struggling through doubt and pain. I guess I'm still struggling, but I'm transitioning despite myself. Two years of estradiol will do that to a person.

Major hurdles for me:
1. Friends/people I know, almost all of which are very middle-aged.
2. My receded hairline
3. I'm tall
4. My nose is pretty big
5. I just really afraid of being: ugly, laughed at, unwanted, etc.

Some of that sounds like things a cis woman might complain about.

Also, I do often worry that I won't like it, that I'll find out that I don't really want to present as a woman. This might end up being true. On the other hand, it could be that because I've repressed this desire over so many years, while seeking fulfillment privately, I'm come to associate my transness with my sexual needs - I've fetishized it. I'm 100% sure that this is very common, that we end up thinking we're just weirdos, and society has done little to assuage those feelings.

But:

1. I've changed my body through HRT and I'm feeling a sense of body positivity and well-being about my physical self that is unlike anything I'd ever dreamed of
2. I have hair replacement surgery scheduled a week from now
3. After removing most of my dark facial hair through the use of a handheld IPL device, I've started seeing an electrologist
4. I've built a support network, from the peeps here, to a Discord group, to my therapist, a trans man, who I've been seeing for about 18 months.
5. That profile pic was created using my face, with some hair, light makeup, a tiny change to my chin, ever-so-slightly larger eyes and nothing else. I could really look like her.
6. Super exciting "mystery news", which I'll share in my next post

It's all very scary and hard, but here I am - I'm doing it. As I probably mentioned in my previous blog, I started transitioning because I wasn't able to continue to *not* transition. I guess that will have to be enough.

Nice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

Quote from: Susannah on January 08, 2024, 08:41:04 PMNice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

Same, Susannah. I hope when this is finished and we've both gotten to where we want to be, we're able to meet up and have an in-person conversation.

QuoteI've started seeing an electrologist

I think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 08:01:38 AMI think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

I agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Even after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Keep plugging, Courtney.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 09, 2024, 11:03:37 AMEven after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you.
You probably didn't notice, but I have hair replacement surgery scheduled for later this week! 3000 grafts from the back of my head, to be placed in the front to bring my hairline down. I didn't think it was possible - didn't think I could get acceptable results, but the hair restoration place told me I'm a great candidate. My donor area (back of my head) has very dense hair, my hairs are thick, and I'm naturally curly, all of which bode well for a good outcome. Luckily, my crown isn't too badly thinned, so longer hair might cover it - or I'll go back for another procedure in the future.

This comes after many, many years on topical minoxidil, 4 years of oral finasteride, plus biotin supplements, microneedling and of course, estradiol. I still thinned, despite 30 years of minoxidil, but I'm pretty certain my loss would have been significantly greater if I hadn't used it.

I'll update this thread with some progress pics, and some photos as the hair begins to grow. For those who are reading along and have been thinking about hair restoration: do shop around. The place I'm going to is $7,000 cheaper than the place down the road from it. The more expensive place has a board-certified plastic surgeon's name on the masthead, whereas this place does not, yet the online reviews are stellar. And you might think, as I did, that it can't be done, but a consultation might be worth it.

Here are some "before" pics. I asked them to create an inverted "U" shape, as opposed to the "M" favored for male hairlines. I also had them add a very small point near the center, as many women have that and I think it adds more of a natural look.

(https://i.imgur.com/f2e3Qai.jpg)

(https://i.imgur.com/GlHbtax.jpg)

Awesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 09, 2024, 01:10:02 PMAwesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

It's understandable! I'd imagine moderating a forum like this one is very time-consuming, and that you can't absorb every bit of what everyone is saying.

I usually don't post this often, but I had a conversation today with my best friend that was eye-opening:

She (bestie and I) were talking about clothing and positivity and she advised me to be careful not to be too boastful about my body around my partner. I've said before that having something I finally like about myself (my body) is blowing my mind. I've never, ever been a show-off because I've never felt "enough", let alone good enough to feel pride. But I'm very middle-aged (almost senior-aged!) and my body is looking pretty good. Bestie pointed out that women her age are often feeling down about the body they once had, or the body they always wanted, and the joy I'm feeling over my blossoming body could trigger frustration or jealousy in others.

It never occurred to me that someone might be jealous of me, of all things. And it's not the reaction I want to evoke from others. I just want validation and acceptance.

Anyway, I feel it could explain a lot about coming out to partners who've experienced pregnancies and general aging and aren't always going to be as excited about our bodies as we are. Perhaps it partially explains the reactions of some cis women. Some could feel that we haven't suffered the marginalization they have, gone through the difficulties of childbirth, etc. - that we're "cheating the system" by pumping ourselves full of hormones and declaring "I'm a woman." (we know it's not that simple). I'm not making excuses for bad behavior from anyone, just trying to understand why some might react the way they do.

Yes, that was an issue before my partner passed, as she was a size 22 and I was a size 4.
Not only that, I could pass for a woman in my 20s.  Ten  years later, my CIS friends have said that if I wanted to, I could dye my hair and pass for a woman in her 20s! I went to a summer pot luck party wearing a fitted tee shirt and shorts as if I just got back from the beach! 

I realized later that the CIS woman like to show off the nice clothes and jewelry they own at these parties as there are few opportunities these days to wear them. When in Rome dress like the Romans! Last time I went I wore a boldly colorful Lily Pulitzer skirt.  One lady confided that she likes to wear them too but she needs to lose some weight to fit in hers.

Yes, I'm sort of similar. I look much younger than I am.

I didn't mean cis people in particular; I meant others in general, including other trans folk. I tend to boast because I'm very happy with my changes, but we have to realize that we might be making others feel bad when we start bragging (or even commenting positively) about ourselves.

It's made me rethink things a bit.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 09, 2024, 08:01:38 AMI think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

Even though I am not on HRT now, I want to start to remove facial hair.  @Courtney G suggested a device about a year ago but I cannot find it now.

Quote from: Susannah on January 09, 2024, 09:34:46 PMEven though I am not on HRT now, I want to start to remove facial hair.  @Courtney G suggested a device about a year ago but I cannot find it now.

I bought the previous version of this model: https://us.braun.com/en-us/female-hair-removal/silk-expert-pro-ipl

QuoteI realized later that the CIS woman like to show off the nice clothes and jewelry they own at these parties as there are few opportunities these days to wear them.

Ciswomen aren't monolithic. They are individuals. Asserting that "CIS women like..." is a non-starter and when you extrapolate from one potluck, your sample size is miniscule.

Quote...she advised me to be careful not to be too boastful about my body around my partner.

It's great advice. I'm glad you're heeding it.

 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 10, 2024, 09:13:16 AMCiswomen aren't monolithic. They are individuals. Asserting that "CIS women like..." is a non-starter and when you extrapolate from one potluck, your sample size is miniscule.

I meant to say that I was using previous experiences with one group of people I hang out with to better prepare for future outings with the same people.  Sorry about the poor wording.  Not just what I remember but I also have access to photographs taken at previous outings.

Thanks for replying, MM. I just try to be wary of generalizing. We're all different...up to a point. I was once part of a group where the team overseeing us deliberately failed our expectations and we reacted in utterly predictable ways, as did every group put in that situation. However, that was a controlled situation, thus the predictability.

I doubt my Facebook friends are anything like the real world.
I have one self outed and repeatedly doxxed girl who is living her best life now.
A drag queen.
A mom that posts pictures of her transgender daughter.
A guy who is an LGBTQ+ supporter on Facebook.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 10, 2024, 08:55:54 AMI bought the previous version of this model: https://us.braun.com/en-us/female-hair-removal/silk-expert-pro-ipl

Thank you.  I think I will get this.  You have said this one is working well for you.

WARNING: there's a bit of talk of surgery-related stuff in here

Lots going on. A big update, but I have other things to do, so I'll try to whip this up right quick:

HAIR REPLACEMENT SURGERY UPDATE:

The hair surgery has, so far, been an amazing and transformative experience. I'm sitting here with a shaved head, looking like an alien, with 3,000 tiny scabs on the front of my head and 3,000 tiny holes on the back, all of which are busy healing, which means I'm itchy! I've had to mist my new grafts with saline every hour while awake and whenever I happen to wake up at night. I've been taking several different meds but that's winding down. I'm not allowed to wear pullover shirts, hats, or anything other than button-down shirts, but I put a bra on today for the first time since before surgery, because I wanted to pamper myself.

I have a special regimen for careful washing of the donor and graft areas, which I've been following carefully. Next Monday, I'll be removing the scabs and I hope to look a little less freaky. A couple days later, I'll be able to wear a hat, which will make going out in public a lot less daunting. My transplanted hairs will begin to grow, then many or most will fall out, then begin a new growth cycle. This means that the transplanted hair will likely be several weeks behind the rest of my scalp, as my hair style begins to transition from marine boot camp to civilian to person with (gasp!) a full head of hair. I'm ready for this.

The person who did the surgery did an excellent job. She created the hairline exactly as we'd designed it and the grafts are grouped very tightly. I have high hopes that this will result in a full, natural-looking head of hair.

This is mind-blowing. I cannot overstate how significant this is. I simply couldn't get past my middle-aged male hairline, but it has been replaced by a beautiful inverted "U". It will be many months before I have something here that could be styled or trimmed in a meaningful way, but after waiting 30 years, the time will fly, I'm sure. But I truly look forward to seeing the changes as they occur.

Simultaneously, my facial hair continues to go away. I had visit #3 with my local electrologist last night. We're both working on the remaining dark hairs - me with my at-home IPL hair remover and her with the professional equipment. Once we've gotten the dark hairs mostly eliminated, we'll start in on the sea of grays that were left behind by the IPL. I don't mind those much, as shaving them away is enough to keep the facial hair dysphoria at bay.

THE BIG NEWS:

A major reason for the current work on my facial hair is an upcoming trip to the Virgin Islands. My girlfriend and I are going to do a tropical island vacay, replete with swimming, snorkeling, laying in the sand - the usual stuff. It's not something we've done much of as a couple and it was never very appealing to me, because I always hated exposing my body around anyone. Things are different now.

But the differences present challenges. My body shape is incongruous with my face, voice and hair. What to do? Well, I'll be cleared to wear hats by then, so I'll be doing that (I have to avoid sunburn, anyway). But there aren't many solutions for hiding my breasts. I bought a gender-neutral swim tank from Tomboy-X but I'll need to wear a compression bra with it in order to smash my breasts down to a less-noticeable level. Going topless or simply wearing a t-shirt are not options, as I'll definitely cause a scene.

But what's the point of all of this newfound body positivity if I have to continue to hide myself? I decided that I'm also going to bring beach clothing that suits my body (literally). I've bought a wonderful bikini top and plan on buying a couple of pleated swim skirts. I took my friend's advice and bought a few top styles in a couple of sizes. I had to try 5 different ones before finding the one that works for me. And it looks amazing! It's truly blowing my mind. I wish I could show you all, but I think posting a pic of my torso in a bikini top is bad decorum for this space. But the size, shape and fullness of my breasts in this very gendered piece of female clothings is very affirming.

I bought a big, floppy hat for protection and to cover my shaved head, and I'll be getting a couple of caps designed for swimming.

My partner knows about all of this: the electrolysis, the swimwear, and my plans to hit the beach as myself. I'm sure it's not what she wants, but she's coping pretty well so far. I don't know what it will be like when I actually do it. In my dreams, she'll look over at me and say "I can see the real you. You look beautiful and happy", and we'll just be two girls on the beach together, but that's not likely. Her tacit acceptance is the best I could hope for. Fortunately, she's not a mean person, so I don't expect her to be unkind, but I'm super sensitive, and eye rolls can hurt pretty badly. Still, I must do this. This is me now. I have no choice; I can't continue to fight my desire to present myself this way. It's a bit of a trial by fire, but so be it.

LABS UPDATE:

My latest blood test revealed a milestone: my T is officially nuked. This result is consistent with my expectations, medically-speaking, but I'm still a bit surprised for two reasons:
1. I don't feel bad
2. I'm completely "functional"

I'd been warned several times by my doc that some people don't feel very good with very low T, so I came to expect that as a possible outcome. But I feel like me. Not really good or bad, just "normal." That's a good thing.

I've also heard a ton of stories of people losing all bottom function while on HRT, especially when their testosterone has been properly suppressed. In many cases, this is a desired outcome, but not always. Bottom surgery isn't on my agenda and I feel that losing the ability to respond in that way would be traumatizing to me. So...another good thing.

That's all for now. Thanks for reading.

This is all great news, Courtney!  I'm really glad that you are happy with the hair transplant, and the T levels also sound like they are where you want them to be!

I will remind you, though, that it is REALLY easy to lose patience with hair transplant results.  In about a month, the scabs will be gone and so will the hairs.  You'll be freaking out, thinking that everything was for naught.  Be patient.  You won't see "diddle" for about 4 months, then every month after that will give a little more density.  You won't see everything "sprout" until the 9-10 month point.  Just be ready.  It's a hard thing to be zen about.   :)

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:13:21 PMThis is all great news, Courtney!  I'm really glad that you are happy with the hair transplant, and the T levels also sound like they are where you want them to be!

Thanks!

Quote from: TXSara on January 18, 2024, 01:13:21 PMI will remind you, though, that it is REALLY easy to lose patience with hair transplant results.  In about a month, the scabs will be gone and so will the hairs.  You'll be freaking out, thinking that everything was for naught.  Be patient.  You won't see "diddle" for about 4 months, then every month after that will give a little more density.  You won't see everything "sprout" until the 9-10 month point.  Just be ready.  It's a hard thing to be zen about.   :)

You're right. I have been told the same by the hair center and I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for that scary "shedding" event and the slow return that follows, but it's going to be hard to be patient, I think. I'm going to have to work at it. My hair does grow quickly and the hairs are thick, so maybe it won't be so bad, but I have to prepare for the worst. I actually think I might look *worse* that I did before the surgery at first because I might lose a lot of the hair that was already there.

Great progress update Courtney!

I just got the 'nuked T' results last week, myself. Only thing I've felt is a bit more of a struggle on the treadmill, but otherwise I hadn't noticed it.

My libido took a hit early on, so that hasn't changed too much... and just today (like at lunchtime) I slapped on my increased dosage patch, so we'll see what's next with all that!

Very jelly about the hair thing -  I have the same needs, but I just don't think I'm going to go that path. I suppose I don't know for certain, but I think it's too much real estate to cover for me. LOL

Love,
Allie

Swimming, snorkeling, and wearing a bikini, sounds grand. Don't forget the sunblock as I'm sure those parts have not seen the sun in a very long time. Wishing you all the happiness you deserve.
Your friend 
Gina

Hi Courtney

You mentioned the following in one of your posts.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 18, 2024, 12:31:19 PMSimultaneously, my facial hair continues to go away. I had visit #3 with my local electrologist last night. We're both working on the remaining dark hairs - me with my at-home IPL hair remover and her with the professional equipment. Once we've gotten the dark hairs mostly eliminated, we'll start in on the sea of grays that were left behind by the IPL. I don't mind those much, as shaving them away is enough to keep the facial hair dysphoria at bay.

Yes, getting rid of one's facial hair was one of the bane's of my existence.  In the early stages of getting rid of my facial hair, revolved around the following schedule:

• After work on a Friday night, it was party time!!  I had to have some fun right?
• Saturday morning was pampering time for ones body, which included electrolysis, single needle and multi needle, cannot remember the exact name of the procedure, but I will try and find out what it was, as home 'IPL' systems where not around in my time.  Wax ones face if one was going out on the town again.
• Sunday night was reserved for waxing ones face, unless it was done on Saturday.  With warm bees wax, there was hair growth for the next 5 days and makeup covered those hairs nicely.  Yay!!
• Goto work for the next 5 days.
• Rinse and Repeat

I have auburn hair, yes goldilocks coloring.  The facial hair was the same.  However, after a period of time the coloring of my facial hair turned white, maybe because of the electrolysis, waxing and HRT, which helped me no end in my facial and general appearance.

The first and maybe the second time I ever had my face waxed was hard, but after that it was easy and I remember to this day what it was like not having facial hair.

I still have occasional white hair, they get plucked out with a tweezer's, don't fret my mum had more whiskers on her face than I did and watching her pluck them out was priceless.

Give it time and you will be hair free soon and it will bring with it, freedom!

I hope you have a nice day

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 07:20:03 PMYes, I'm sort of similar. I look much younger than I am.

It's taken me 33 odd years to find out the reason why I always looked younger than I was.

Take for example, I was at university eating a bowl rice with a fellow student, I do not know how it came about but she could not believe me when I told her my age. I was around 40's or something and she thought I was in my low 30's.  I had to show her my driving license.  Big smile on her face.

It's the hormones of course!!!!!!

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 07:20:03 PMI didn't mean cis people in particular; I meant others in general, including other trans folk. I tend to boast because I'm very happy with my changes, but we have to realize that we might be making others feel bad when we start bragging (or even commenting positively) about ourselves.

It's made me rethink things a bit.

Yes, one is careful of ones words.  Eventually however, they will be in the same spot in the future if they continue with their journey.  As the saying goes, "what comes around, goes around"

I hope you had a nice day and thank you.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMI agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

You have completed those two steps, that's called progress and patience young padawan, you will get there, "inch by inch".

Quote from: Courtney G on January 09, 2024, 10:52:05 AMAnd gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Tell me about those chin whiskers, even when I had my face waxed for the first time those chin whiskers, where a nightmare to get out!

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: Courtney G on January 18, 2024, 12:31:19 PMI bought a big, floppy hat for protection and to cover my shaved head, and I'll be getting a couple of caps designed for swimming.

Three maybe four types of material for swimming caps and you can use them in the shower maybe.

• Cotton type fabric
• Latex
• Silicone
• Rubber? (I'm thinking old granny type caps.)

Let us know what type of cap you get and use when you go swimming

Best wishes
Sarah B
PS Swimming is  my passion

Quote from: Sarah B on January 20, 2024, 08:01:04 PMThree maybe four types of material for swimming caps and you can use them in the shower maybe.

• Cotton type fabric
• Latex
• Silicone
• Rubber? (I'm thinking old granny type caps.)

Let us know what type of cap you get and use when you go swimming

Best wishes
Sarah B
PS Swimming is  my passion

A set of 4 (inexpensive) spandex caps and 1 lycra cap arrived today. Going to see how they feel - maybe try them in the shower. I'm not going for any kind of protection/water resistance, just looking to camouflage my post-surgery shaved head while we swim and snorkel. My big goal is for the cap to remain on while I dunk my head below and above the water. Once we're done and we get back to the beach towels, I'll switch to a big, floppy hat I bought, which will offer sun protection, stylishness and help me to blend in when I'm presenting female.

The whole idea of presenting as a woman on a beach is both thrilling and terrifying. And as I mentioned above, I'm not expecting much support from my partner over this. The best I think I can hope for is some kind of tolerance. I really want to paint my nails and put a bit of makeup or something on (especially foundation!) but that might be a bridge too far. We'll see. I have to push for these things - I have to advocate for myself. I don't have a choice.

EDIT: upon reflection after typing that last bit, I realize that pushing too far will likely backfire. I've mentioned wearing "clothes that are right for my body" and she knows I'm talking about women's swimwear. This is a major bridge we have to cross and it's a lot for her to deal with. Why push the issue with makeup and nails and stuff? As uncomfortable as I might be without the camouflage, I'll be way worse off if she has a freakout when I pull out nail polish and ask "what do you think?" Baby steps are best.

Hi Courtney

Your plans for swimming, sound great.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 21, 2024, 08:49:49 PMThe whole idea of presenting as a woman on a beach is both thrilling and terrifying. And as I mentioned above, I'm not expected much support from my partner over this. The best I think I can hope for is some kind of tolerance. I really want to paint my nails and put a bit of makeup or something on (especially foundation!) but that might be a bridge too far. We'll see. I have to push for these things - I have to advocate for myself. I don't have a choice.

EDIT: upon reflection after typing that last bit, I realize that pushing too far will likely backfire. I've mentioned wearing "clothes that are right for my body" and she knows I'm talking about women's swimwear. This is a major bridge we have to cross and it's a lot for her to deal with. Why push the issue with makeup and nails and stuff? As uncomfortable as I might be without the camouflage, I'll be way worse off if she has a freakout when I pull out nail polish and ask "what do you think?" Baby steps are best.

Let me tell you a little story about me and I hope it gives you some food for your own personal thoughts.   This is your blog so again, I have decided to put it into a general post, you can read it here,  My Epiphany. (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247109.msg2261588.html#msg2261588)

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Hi Courtney

The method or similar that was used to remove my facial hair was
Galvanic Electrolysis called 'Multi Probe'

This Electrolysis utilizes a 16 probe system where the 16 probes are one-by-one progressively inserted into each unwanted hair follicle selected for treatment, so ensuring thorough removal of visible unwanted hair.

Have a nice day
Sarah B

I've been checking in here (on Susan's) quite a lot lately. We're all trying to rebuild, restore and reconnect, and I like that. It has me thinking about the lurkers - people who pop on here are pore through the threads and posts, trying to understand their feelings. Many are looking for a "thrill", not fully understanding that it's likely driven by vicarious desire rather than a fetish. They wish they were a woman/man/nonbinary person, rather than the person everyone sees them to be.

For lurkers like I once was, who happen to dream of growing breasts and are wondering what it's like:

It's amazing. I absolutely adore my breasts. I love every minute of having them. I've had to struggle to hide them so far, but it's worth it. Without testosterone in my system, my response is different. It's no longer an erotic rush to look at them - to "experience" them. It's just a deeply satisfying thing. I used to check them out 20 times a day or more. 2 years into growing them, I probably check them out 5 times a day. I marvel at these miracles every single time. I don't miss the horniness that used to drive my desires, as it was tremendously confusing. I figured that if I still wanted to have boobs after losing my male hormones, then my desires were more than sexual. I'm happy to report that the desire is still there, along with many other feminine desires.

And you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

True, I just wish mine had responded more! Right one has been tender for ages so got the doc to check yesterday, they are fine just the hormones. Trainee doc, she said breasts are funny things when I told here the full moon affects them.

I am convinced that cisgender males would be horrified by the prospect of growing breasts.  I don't think it is even a passing thought.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMAnd you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

Hi Courtney! 

Yeah, totally in the "you might be trans if..."  column.  Makes me think of several bread crumb moments that I had that were jumping up and down trying to get my attention before I accepted my identity. 

Hi Courtney

It's nice to see that you have posted again, I had been thinking of you and wondering what you was up to.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMI've been checking in here (on Susan's) quite a lot lately. We're all trying to rebuild, restore and reconnect, and I like that.

I joined Susan's in 2010 after reading and watching about 'Jazz'. Up till then I had not been associated with the 'community' in any sense of the word.  As they say once bitten twice shy. Then after a couple of years of posting, the time had come to retreat into the woods.

Just recently, I have been writing down my history and since Susan's was a good resource of what I had done I came back only (after 12 years away from Susan's) with the intention of only lurking and copy the posts that I had for posterity.  However the vortex caught me and before you know it I was posting away again. 

The crash cost me my recent posts so no big deal I have the more lengthy ones on my computer.  So I can refer to them if I need to. After the crash I have gone berserk in my posts.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMIt has me thinking about the lurkers - people who pop on here are pore through the threads and posts, trying to understand their feelings. Many are looking for a "thrill", not fully understanding that it's likely driven by vicarious desire rather than a fetish. They wish they were a woman/man/nonbinary person, rather than the person everyone sees them to be.

I understand where you are coming from, lots of views but hardly any replies or comments.  If there are new visitors they post a couple of help me questions and then disappear into the void never to be seen or heard from again.  You begin to wonder are they real, did they get caught posting, or were they trolling.  So do you answer these calls for help? Then it becomes a case of dammed if you do and dammed if you don't

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMFor lurkers like I once was, who happen to dream of growing breasts and are wondering what it's like:

I was never a lurker and the only time, I wished for breasts was in my late teens (18 to 20), probably just after leaving boarding school, or in my early twenties.  I believe the reason being I was going through puberty at the time (late bloomer I think) and to my utter despair I knew they would not grow, I was broken hearted to say the least and never really considered the lack of breasts since then.

Actually to be honest, my SO at the time said to me a handful is just enough (large A cup) , he sure knew how to sweet talk me. So I was smiling from ear to ear.  One of the problems with my breast is the left one tends to work its way out when I'm swimming, one time I was so embarrassed, when I got out of the pool my left breast was exposed and a male member discretely said to me you need to cover it up, oh the memories are so branded in my mind, so in competition I tend to wear two pairs of bathers.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMIt's amazing. I absolutely adore my breasts. I love every minute of having them. I've had to struggle to hide them so far, but it's worth it. Without testosterone in my system, my response is different. It's no longer an erotic rush to look at them - to "experience" them. It's just a deeply satisfying thing. I used to check them out 20 times a day or more. 2 years into growing them, I probably check them out 5 times a day. I marvel at these miracles every single time. I don't miss the horniness that used to drive my desires, as it was tremendously confusing. I figured that if I still wanted to have boobs after losing my male hormones, then my desires were more than sexual. I'm happy to report that the desire is still there, along with many other feminine desires.

My breasts never defined who I was, they are a part of my anatomy,, they are now a C cup and they tend to reside near my armpits, maybe a little exaggeration and I tend to get rid of my bra after a hard days work.  How ironic you want to wear a bra in the earlier stages but later on you don't. Even my mum did not wear a bra often and sometimes I did hers up.

If I was to have any surgery done on them I would bring them together, so that I would have a little more cleavage.  I guess that's not being too vain is it?  No, my breasts are not my center of attention, to me downstairs is, where I get the most pleasure from. :embarrassed: :icon_redface: 

Quote from: Courtney G on January 22, 2024, 06:24:51 PMAnd you know what? Cisgender males don't constantly daydream about having breasts (or soft, hairless skin, or a pretty face, or whatever). While they might really want to get close to a pair, actually growing them on their bodies isn't much more than a passing thought. If you continually think about this stuff, you really need to consider the possibility that you're trans.

I agree about the males not wanting breasts, but want to handle them, I get that, I know so.  I waited so long for that first time and that memory is embedded so deep in my conscious, that to me it only  happened yesterday.

No, I never constantly thought about those things, that is I never was thinking about my breasts.  I was lucky, that they grew to the size that they are now and I knew they were growing when I was on my regime of HRT and yes I have a couple of stories about them.

So, from that I'm not 'trans' anything never thought about them, only rarely, as I keep saying I'm a female and my breast developed like any other prepubescent girl, I was never obsessed with them.

Best wishes and all the best for the future and let us know how well you are going.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS  My breasts were sore when they were growing but my memory is vague on this and it was so long ago.
PSS My breasts are natural!!

Quote from: Sarah B on January 26, 2024, 09:10:58 PMIt's nice to see that you have posted again, I had been thinking of you and wondering what you was up to.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I was on the phone with Gina a few minutes ago and we were having a chuckle at the fact that we both figured "all of this" was just a fetish. I told her that for the longest time, I was pretty sure that *all* men dreamed of being women, that all men would rather be female. I thought it was just an extension of "really loving women." Apparently, I was wrong.

In other news, plans to present on the beach continue. I have two swim skirts, two bikini tops, a floppy hat, pair of sandals, pair of white-rimmed sunglasses and a button down shirt to wear over my top as I leave the beach (the custom on the island is to practice modesty when not on the beach). The idea that MY body could evoke some sort of reaction, that I have something that might be compelling to others, that there's something I need to cover up is just amazing. Having felt like I was less than zero for my entire life up to this point, it tickles me to feel this...this significant.

I continue to be very worried about this. But I can't wait to try. I want to sit under an umbrella on a beach, dressed as myself and just be.

On the partner acceptance side of this, I showed her my various purchases - didn't model them for her, just handed them over. We had a nice discussion about what colors would work together. It felt good.

My hair is growing, even the transplants. No more scabs. My hair isn't spiky any more - it's fuzzy. And I haven't shed any of the transplanted hairs yet. I'm waiting for that to happen. In a very low percentage of cases, the hairs don't all fall out. I'm praying for that, but not at all expecting it. One thing I've done to try to help is regularly massaging the graft recipient area in order to encourage blood flow. But I suspect the hairs will fall out over the next few weeks. Luckily, my hair grows quickly.

Quote from: Courtney G on January 30, 2024, 11:52:31 AMI continue to be very worried about this. But I can't wait to try. I want to sit under an umbrella on a beach, dressed as myself and just be.

It's so amazing that most, if not all trans folks, just want to experience life as thier true selves. I hope you have the courage to enjoy you beach vacation. This is a huge step and I wish you all the best. Remember first steps are always a little shaky at first.
Hugs, Your friend Gina

Hi. A bit of an update. Work (and the related travel) has had me really busy and our vacation, plus some other travel has me home for just 2 days between now and the first week of March. I've been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling fears, doubts, dysphoria - all of the same stuff I've been struggling with since I came out to myself.

Recovery from the hair transplant surgery is proceeding according to schedule. And that "schedule" includes shedding all of the transplanted hairs, so some have started to fall out. In rare cases, people don't shed and I was hoping I'd get lucky, but not expecting it. Maybe I'll hang onto a few of those hairs, but I doubt it. It's going to be several months before I start to look normal, let alone have longer, brushable hair, but that's ok. I've waited this long, so I can wait a bit longer.

Permanent facial hair removal continues. My last electrolysis appointments removed quite a bit of gray (and dark) hairs from my chin, but my skin was red and swollen for almost a week. Incredibly, no one mentioned it. I often wonder if people suspect that something is going on with me, but I'm not too worried about it.

I have quite a bit of apprehension about the upcoming beach vacation. It has occurred to me that I simply might feel very uncomfortable with dressing in a public space, especially in a bikini top. I've decided not to put any pressure on myself and to see how I feel when I'm there. Some trans people are so sure of how they want to be seen by others that they're willing to endure the discomfort, embarrassment or whatever other unpleasant stuff comes along with being a clockable trans person, but that's just not me. I wish it was.

There's a lot more I can talk about here, but I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Sorry to hear about the shedding. I know we were hopping you would be spared this phase. Hang in there before you know it your hair will be down to your shoulders. I actually had a costumer ask me if I was wearing a wig yesterday. 
As far as your vacation, I'm sure you will find your path. Enjoy.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Gina P on February 08, 2024, 05:41:23 AMSorry to hear about the shedding. I know we were hopping you would be spared this phase.

Sorry, Courtney... nobody is spared that LOL.  Now, get ready for the 3 month+ freakout that you wasted all of your hard-earned money on absolutely NOTHING!  ;)   I promise it'll be OK!

Quote from: Gina P on February 08, 2024, 05:41:23 AMHang in there before you know it your hair will be down to your shoulders. I actually had a costumer ask me if I was wearing a wig yesterday.

That's great, Gina!  I agree -- 6 inches per year sounds really slow (and it is), but it will come and go a lot faster than you think!

~Sara

TXSara beat me to the punch! While I'm hopeful the 'dreaded shed' will bypass me as well, let's face it -- the odds are rarely in our favor. However, 4 - 6 months down the road you will realize what a fantastic decision you made, and a year from now you may not even remember what your old hairline looked like.

Don't worry too much about being dressed in a public space, especially a beach. If it's a popular one, there will be many people wearing swimsuits that aren't appropriate -- but they don't care. Everyone is there to enjoy the sand and sun. If you're really self-conscious, just get a colorful, sheer cover-up. It will make you feel totally covered, even though you aren't. Have some fun!

Love always -- Jess

Thanks, Jessica. Here's a pic from a few days ago. If it grows back and fills in, I'll be very happy.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 07, 2024, 08:07:33 PMHi. A bit of an update. Work (and the related travel) has had me really busy and our vacation, plus some other travel has me home for just 2 days between now and the first week of March. I've been in a bit of a slump lately, feeling fears, doubts, dysphoria - all of the same stuff I've been struggling with since I came out to myself.

Recovery from the hair transplant surgery is proceeding according to schedule. And that "schedule" includes shedding all of the transplanted hairs, so some have started to fall out. In rare cases, people don't shed and I was hoping I'd get lucky, but not expecting it. Maybe I'll hang onto a few of those hairs, but I doubt it. It's going to be several months before I start to look normal, let alone have longer, brushable hair, but that's ok. I've waited this long, so I can wait a bit longer.

Permanent facial hair removal continues. My last electrolysis appointments removed quite a bit of gray (and dark) hairs from my chin, but my skin was red and swollen for almost a week. Incredibly, no one mentioned it. I often wonder if people suspect that something is going on with me, but I'm not too worried about it.

I have quite a bit of apprehension about the upcoming beach vacation. It has occurred to me that I simply might feel very uncomfortable with dressing in a public space, especially in a bikini top. I've decided not to put any pressure on myself and to see how I feel when I'm there. Some trans people are so sure of how they want to be seen by others that they're willing to endure the discomfort, embarrassment or whatever other unpleasant stuff comes along with being a clockable trans person, but that's just not me. I wish it was.

There's a lot more I can talk about here, but I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Hey Courtney - sorry about the shedding! But I must say the coverage looks great, hopefully you're well on your way.

My wife and I were literally "talking hair" this morning. It's very much the first thing I want to really get into after we tell our son. It's my biggest issue.

But the thing you brought up that really hit home for me is the beach issue.

I feel you, completely.

We spend a lot of time at the beach in the summer... and I'm trying NOT to think about what this summer will be like, and how I'm going to handle it, mostly because that's future me's problem, not mine.

But the one thing I do know - everyone on that beach when you go will be paying attention to their own stuff, not you. You might get one second of their time. But you aren't going to be their focus. So just try not to make THEM your focus.

I know, easier said than done. But I figure if you can do it now... it'll make it easier for me to do it later. So... you know... I'm counting on you. No pressure. 😉😘

Love (and just kidding, of course),
Allie

Quote from: imallie on February 10, 2024, 09:12:30 AMHey Courtney - sorry about the shedding! But I must say the coverage looks great, hopefully you're well on your way.

My wife and I were literally "talking hair" this morning. It's very much the first thing I want to really get into after we tell our son. It's my biggest issue.

Thanks. Allie. As usual, your comments are insightful and kind. I hope you're able to sort your hair out - fortunately, there are more options now that ever before.

Regarding the beach, yeah, I'm trying to embrace that. My girlfriend (and other friends I'm out to) often tell me that people don't pay much attention to the things I'm worried about. Heading to a far flung place helps. I'll never see these people again. And there's a fair chance we'll find a beach that doesn't have ANY people on it. That would be nice. I keep trying to work through this, trying to get myself psyched up. But I think the best thing to do is to let it go for now, to be prepared for whatever my heart tells me when I get there and to go with that. And in general, the "future me" method isn't a bad one; it's a more zen approach, and it takes a lot of pressure off.

Being trans is quite hard.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 10, 2024, 03:15:04 PMThanks. Allie. As usual, your comments are insightful and kind. I hope you're able to sort your hair out - fortunately, there are more options now that ever before.

Regarding the beach, yeah, I'm trying to embrace that. My girlfriend (and other friends I'm out to) often tell me that people don't pay much attention to the things I'm worried about. Heading to a far flung place helps. I'll never see these people again. And there's a fair chance we'll find a beach that doesn't have ANY people on it. That would be nice. I keep trying to work through this, trying to get myself psyched up. But I think the best thing to do is to let it go for now, to be prepared for whatever my heart tells me when I get there and to go with that. And in general, the "future me" method isn't a bad one; it's a more zen approach, and it takes a lot of pressure off.

Being trans is quite hard.

Yeah, I hear you Courtney. And I'm rooting for you! I know you can do it, based on the fact that you've broken through each wall successfully up to this point without issue... like a take-no-prisoners Kool-Aid Ma'am.  ;D

I'm still in a bit of a "trans bubble"... I broke through that first wall, telling my wife, finding all my docs and all that... and have made a real happy home here. But it's time to fly this particular nest.

Have fun at the beach! Can't wait to hear how great you do!

Love,
Allie

I am afraid that if I were on that beach, I'd look for more than a second.  I hope I wouldn't stare.  But, I think everyone here knows I wouldn't be looking in judgement.  It would be envy. 

My point is, if you see someone noticing, that doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling anything negative towards you.  They may be finding themselves jealous. 

Or, they may simply envy your ability to be yourself.  So many people live constrained by fears of social rejection. 

Day one report from the Virgin Islands:

I'm sitting in a beach chair. My current garb consists of women's swim trunks (pretty nondescript) and a long-sleeved blue Columbia fishing shirt over a black women's sport-style swim top. Prior to this, I had a purple and black TomboyX swim tank over the same top (can't wear just the tank without some sort of bra).

We went snorkeling an hour or so ago. I wore the tank top over the swim top. Going out of the water felt ok but coming out was scary, because the top was clinging to my boobs. I even asked my girlfriend how I looked and she replied "you look like you have boobs". I tried to wait until there weren't as many people walking by and I trucked from the water to our towels with my head down and arms pinned to my sides. Eventually, I took the tank top off (told myself that I wanted to give the top a proper chance to dry). I was sitting in a beach chair with a woman's sports top on. I could look down and see a bit of cleavage and I wasn't home alone doing it. Gosh, it felt so good!! Basic gender euphoria. Body positivity.

We're on the busy island for a couple more days, then we should have access to much more remote beaches. I fully intend to romp around with my bikini top. I want this so bad, to just be proud of who I am.

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 11, 2024, 05:24:45 PMI am afraid that if I were on that beach, I'd look for more than a second.  I hope I wouldn't stare.  But, I think everyone here knows I wouldn't be looking in judgement.  It would be envy. 

My point is, if you see someone noticing, that doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling anything negative towards you.  They may be finding themselves jealous. 

Or, they may simply envy your ability to be yourself.  So many people live constrained by fears of social rejection. 

That's very kind and insightful, Rachel. I'm SO used to completely fixating on trans people (out of envy) that I'm sure that the non-trans people on the beach are going to stare at me in disgust.

I think we are the most concerned about what we look like. Our minds tend to create crowds with pitchforks, when in reality most folks won't look twice. Glad to hear that your trip is going well. Whatever you do -- have some fun!

Love always -- Jess

Hi Courtney

Just be yourself, walk normally and please have fun.  Jessica is right people will not look twice. Unless your boobs are showing :D  ;D

Again, please have fun, you are on vacation, yes?

Love and Hugs from down under where the beaches are much better.
Sarah B

So glad your enjoying yourself. Its 15deg here in NJ this morning. I hope you enjoy yourself. You deserve to be yourself.
Hugs Gina

Hi Courtney,

Life for me has gotten so busy in the last 6 months I've hardly had time to keep up with some of the member blogs.  Not to mention comment on any of them or even update my own status.  But I really wanted to comment here. 

I'm so very happy your trip is going so well, actually I'm thrilled that it is.

I've been wearing women's jeans and tight fitting women's tops with a heavily padded bra.  I've been doing this almost full time for about a year.  And you know what, nobody cares.  Or at least they don't say anything. I'm treated the same at work as I've always been, and I've been there a long time.  When I'm out shopping or just out for a walk, no one says anything.  I don't notice that I'm treated any differently. 

I'm at the point now where if someone does say something or tries to make a scene, I'm just going to smile at them and walk away.  I don't know how I would have reacted a year ago, but now I know most people don't care and I'm not going to let the "less than 1%" bother me.

I sincerely hope that your vacation goes as you wish and that you don't run into that less than 1% out there.  But if you do girl, just smile at them and walk away knowing the problem is theirs, not yours.

Please note too, that at some point you may get the odd stare.  Keep in mind that when people see something that looks out of place, it takes a little time for the brain to process.  They probably don't even realize that they're doing it.  Again, just smile and move on.

You worked hard for this, you earned it, go for it.  Take the girls out and enjoy them. Well not completely out mind you, but definitely get some tan lines on those boobs.  :D

Warm Regards,

Pauline.

PS I'm so very jealous.  I want to take my little "A" cup girls out in a bikini top.

Thanks, ladies for the kind words and encouragement. Our 2nd day of snorkeling put us at a crowded beach that we were told to check out, as it promised good terrain for the aquatic life. But it was quite crowded and I didn't feel comfortable at all, so we didn't even park the car. Instead, we went to the beach we'd visited on the previous day, only to find it even less crowded than before, which was great. I still wore my swim tank over the sports top, along with the modest, non-gendered bottoms. Still a bit scary, maybe slightly less than the previous time out.

Yesterday was a travel day and today we're on St John island, where we'll spend the rest of the trip. This island is much less developed and I'm hoping for a very secluded beach on which I can wear my bikini top, but I'm not sure that will happen. I can wear the top under the swim tank, but it won't compress me like the one I've been wearing. If anything, it will emphasize my breasts, so anyone close enough to see will notice my female shape up top, which kinda defeats the purpose of the tank top. We'll see.

More satisfying than anything has been wearing two of my women's (non-swim) tank tops around the rental. These are not items I've worn in the presence of my partner, but she hasn't said anything about this shift. I know it's a bit "in her face" as they're way more flattering than the t-shirts I usually wear, but this is me expressing myself in a way that I've dreamed about, so I really have to do it. And I just love the way I look in them. I keep sneaking glances in the mirror. I just can't imagine going out in public like this. I've been so ashamed of my thin arms and slight shoulders for my entire life but I finally feel good about this part of me.

I shaved my face as close as possible last night and I have some mineral-based sunblock with a fairly strong bronze tint, but I don't know how well I can hide my whiskers. I brought foundation with me but I haven't broken it out yet, for fear of rocking the boat here. Fortunately, I have hardly any dark hairs left on my face, thanks primarily to my Braun IPL and secondarily to my recent electrologist visits. But the grays start poking out after a day or two.

Speaking of hair removal, I recently read that grays can be "zapped" with the IPL by using carbon dye. Apparently, you can dye the roots darker, which allows the IPL's bright light to "find" those roots and heat them, which is the only way in which it's effective. But best results by far come from waxing the area first, to pull the hairs out and expose the roots, as the remaining gray hair won't take the dye but the roots will. I worry that my facial hairs are still too large in diameter to allow waxing without causing scarring and damage do my skin. Has anyone here waxed their face?

In other news, I see some freckles! My recently-shaved arms are a source of great joy, but a couple of days in the bright sun (with sunblock) seem to have brought out adorable freckles that I've never seen before. I've heard many transfeminine people mention this but I didn't think it would happen to me because of my southern Italian heritage (on mom's side).

EDIT: Hair transplant update:
My scalp has been mostly numb in the area where the grafts were placed but the numbness is slowly abating. I was pretty alarmed about it but I've read that it can last for a while and that it doesn't affect the viability of the grafts - it's due to trauma to the nerves in the area and they can take some time to reconnect.

It has been over a month since the procedure that the shedding has been moderate. I've read that most of the hair is usually shed after a month, but that just hasn't happened for me. I'd guess that about 40% of the hairs in the transplant area have shed. So there is a chance I won't lost it all. Still, it looks awful to me, a large area in the front of my scalp that remains short and thin-looking, while the rest of my shaved head grows continues to grow in. Oh, well...I signed up for this, and it will be worth it in a few months.

QuoteI keep sneaking glances in the mirror.

I remember doing that. I wouldn't pass a mirror without looking.

I had my hair cut on Wednesday. Last night, I realized I hadn't yet looked in the mirror to see how it looked. So, my days of mirror gazing are long past, but I remember the impulse. 

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 17, 2024, 07:34:43 AMI remember doing that. I wouldn't pass a mirror without looking.

I had my hair cut on Wednesday. Last night, I realized I hadn't yet looked in the mirror to see how it looked. So, my days of mirror gazing are long past, but I remember the impulse. 

It's quite a lot for my brain to process. As you probably recall, my early posts here a couple of years ago were filled with doubts and thoughts of being an impostor. Feeling a thrill about the way I look, whether it's the clothes I'm wearing or my body brings up a lot of shame. Unlike many trans folx, I didn't experiment much with dressing, makeup, etc. I tried on the occasional bit of clothing but it felt "bad" and "wrong", mostly because of the thrill it brought me. As I work through this, I realize that the (sexual) thrill is simply the only manifestation of gender feelings I could muster, the only thing my brain would allow me to feel.

Hi Courtney

Its good to hear that you are enjoying your vacation and you are exploring what you can do to make yourself happy.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMI shaved my face as close as possible last night and I have some mineral-based sunblock with a fairly strong bronze tint, but I don't know how well I can hide my whiskers. I brought foundation with me but I haven't broken it out yet, for fear of rocking the boat here. Fortunately, I have hardly any dark hairs left on my face, thanks primarily to my Braun IPL and secondarily to my recent electrologist visits. But the grays start poking out after a day or two.

Speaking of hair removal, I recently read that grays can be "zapped" with the IPL by using carbon dye. Apparently, you can dye the roots darker, which allows the IPL's bright light to "find" those roots and heat them, which is the only way in which it's effective. But best results by far come from waxing the area first, to pull the hairs out and expose the roots, as the remaining gray hair won't take the dye but the roots will. I worry that my facial hairs are still too large in diameter to allow waxing without causing scarring and damage do my skin. Has anyone here waxed their face?

I would say do not shave your face.  Wax the face, that is what I used to do and in my day we did not have IPL.  My routine for taking care of my face, given that I worked week in week out was as follows.

• Friday night party
• Saturday morning beauty treatments which always included electrolysis.  Wax your face if you are going to go out again that night.
• Sunday night wax your face.
• Go to work for the rest of the week.  If any hairs grew during the week they were covered up with make up.  In my case the hairs went white very quickly.
• Rinse and Repeat

I understand your hairs are going grey / white from black I presume.  So the above routine should work for you.  Having a clear face is a god send.  There is a thread were I mentioned the above routine.  I will have to find it and see if I missed any information.

Could you please explain the coloring of the roots like when you wax the roots out so what is the point of dying the roots if they are out?  I'm confused, help me! If that makes sense.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMIn other news, I see some freckles! My recently-shaved arms are a source of great joy, but a couple of days in the bright sun (with sunblock) seem to have brought out adorable freckles that I've never seen before. I've heard many transfeminine people mention this but I didn't think it would happen to me because of my southern Italian heritage (on mom's side).

With your HRT and waxing your legs, eventually the hairs hopefully will become very fine and white like mine.  My legs used to get waxed professionally by the beautician as it was easier and less hassle and if the hairs were long and not waxed stockings would hide them.

My arms I shaved or waxed once.  However it was a pain to do so and nobody noticed or told me about them.  So I forgot all about them. Actually just recently I have looked at my arms and legs and the hairs are so fine and white you have to look real close up to see them.

You got some freckles?  I tell you what, you can have some of mine!  My face is reasonably free of them or not noticeable, but my arms and legs have plenty.  Don't worry I have lived with them all my life so I'm use to them.

Love and Hugs always
Sarah B
@Courtney G

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 09:51:15 AMIt's quite a lot for my brain to process. As you probably recall, my early posts here a couple of years ago were filled with doubts and thoughts of being an impostor. Feeling a thrill about the way I look, whether it's the clothes I'm wearing or my body brings up a lot of shame. Unlike many trans folx, I didn't experiment much with dressing, makeup, etc. I tried on the occasional bit of clothing but it felt "bad" and "wrong", mostly because of the thrill it brought me. As I work through this, I realize that the (sexual) thrill is simply the only manifestation of gender feelings I could muster, the only thing my brain would allow me to feel.

I totally get why you're thrilled. I've been done and done that. A big part of why I no longer look is that I'm old. I've peers who also no longer look. Time isn't kind.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on February 18, 2024, 05:41:55 PMI totally get why you're thrilled. I've been done and done that. A big part of why I no longer look is that I'm old. I've peers who also no longer look. Time isn't kind.

My house is haunted, "Every time I look in the mirror an old lady blocks the view of myself".  ;D

Quote from: Courtney G on February 17, 2024, 06:49:11 AMEDIT: Hair transplant update:
My scalp has been mostly numb in the area where the grafts were placed but the numbness is slowly abating. I was pretty alarmed about it but I've read that it can last for a while and that it doesn't affect the viability of the grafts - it's due to trauma to the nerves in the area and they can take some time to reconnect.

It has been over a month since the procedure that the shedding has been moderate. I've read that most of the hair is usually shed after a month, but that just hasn't happened for me. I'd guess that about 40% of the hairs in the transplant area have shed. So there is a chance I won't lost it all. Still, it looks awful to me, a large area in the front of my scalp that remains short and thin-looking, while the rest of my shaved head grows continues to grow in. Oh, well...I signed up for this, and it will be worth it in a few months.

Unless people get really close, they won't notice the patchiness. It's only been 12 days since my procedure, and the top of my head is still quite numb. It never fully recovered from the scalp advance four years ago, so I'm not sure how much feeling will return this time. At least bumping my head is less painful than it used to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Gina P on February 19, 2024, 05:41:20 AMMy house is haunted, "Every time I look in the mirror an old lady blocks the view of myself".  ;D

Ha! My house is also haunted. At least my old lady ghost looks kind. I expect yours does too.

Quote from: Sarah B on February 17, 2024, 11:02:46 AMI would say do not shave your face.  Wax the face, that is what I used to do and in my day we did not have IPL.  My routine for taking care of my face, given that I worked week in week out was as follows.

I understand your hairs are going grey / white from black I presume.  So the above routine should work for you.  Having a clear face is a god send. 

Could you please explain the coloring of the roots like when you wax the roots out so what is the point of dying the roots if they are out?  I'm confused, help me! If that makes sense.

With your HRT and waxing your legs, eventually the hairs hopefully will become very fine and white like mine.  My legs used to get waxed professionally by the beautician as it was easier and less hassle and if the hairs were long and not waxed stockings would hide them.

I'm happy to hear that you were able to wax. As I mentioned, I was under the impression that waxing could lead to skin injury.

The way my IPL works is it burns the hairs down to the roots using a very bright flash of light. It doesn't work on light-colored hairs, like gray or blonde ones. I was able to remove a ton of hair, from both face and body, but the grays remain. The process I'm talking about involves pulling grays out by the root, then using a dye to darken the root area, thus allowing the IPL to do its job. If it works, I will be easier, faster, and MUCH cheaper than going to my electrologist.

The only areas that experience "traditional" hair growth are my lower legs and groin. I've used the IPL to get rid of hair everywhere else. Well, there are a few grays that pop up on my chest, but I'm only talking about a few.

Since shaving my arms a couple of weeks ago and giving them a quick zap with the IPL, I haven't had any visible hairs come back yet. This might be due to having no testosterone.

Hi Courtney

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMI'm happy to hear that you were able to wax. As I mentioned, I was under the impression that waxing could lead to skin injury.

I was young 30 years old when my face was waxed regularly, it's possible if you are much older then the elasticity of the skin might not bounce back as easily.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMThe way my IPL works is it burns the hairs down to the roots using a very bright flash of light. It doesn't work on light-colored hairs, like gray or blonde ones. I was able to remove a ton of hair, from both face and body, but the grays remain. The process I'm talking about involves pulling grays out by the root, then using a dye to darken the root area, thus allowing the IPL to do its job. If it works, I will be easier, faster, and MUCH cheaper than going to my electrologist.

I understand now, the grey hairs remain in place a dye is applied the root absorbs the dye and then IPL can then do its work.  Correct me if I'm wrong please.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMThe only areas that experience "traditional" hair growth are my lower legs and groin. I've used the IPL to get rid of hair everywhere else. Well, there are a few grays that pop up on my chest, but I'm only talking about a few.

I virtually had no hairs on my chest and a couple around the nipples, but tweezers and fingers sorted those out. The snail trail took a couple of waxes over time and HRT I suppose, stopped future growth.

Quote from: Courtney G on February 20, 2024, 07:53:00 PMSince shaving my arms a couple of weeks ago and giving them a quick zap with the IPL, I haven't had any visible hairs come back yet. This might be due to having no testosterone.

Yes, no testosterone and having estrogen, waxing, IPL will get rid of them. Shaving will get rid of them temporarily, stockings will hide them, if you want.

Is your holiday over? let us know how it went for you.

Best wishes, love and hugs always
Sarah B

I'm back from our trip to the U.S. Virgin Islands. Was home for a day, then back out to Virginia for work. Home tomorrow, then catching a plane in the evening for Florida, where I'll stay for a week. But it's time to write about the trip.

The islands (St Thomas and St John) were beautiful but the roads were horrible. Narrow, rutted roads, with potholes, no painted lines, absurdly steep hills and sharp turns, some rock and dirt roads, burros (donkeys), goats and chickens/roosters in/around the roads. It was an adventure in the tiny rental car. Jeeps are the vehicle of choice there but I wasn't able to secure one. Temps were in the low 80s every day and the sun was always bright and hot. Not my kind of conditions, actually, but my partner was very happy about it and we planned to do lots of snorkeling, so conditions were ideal.

And snorkel, we did. We took 7 or 8 day trips to as many beaches. Each was different, with of coral, and little fishes, turtles, stingrays and other critters as constant companions while we explored the clear blue flats adjacent to the white sand beaches. I was careful to apply sunblock at every turn, opting for the zinc-based formula, which is supposedly safer for daily use and was quite effective. My skin only darkened a small amount and there was no sunburn.

I brought my two swim skirts and one of my bikini tops (couldn't locate the second one). I also brought a TomboyX gender-neutral swim tank. It wasn't possible to conceal my breasts with just the tank, so the plan was to wear a compression top beneath it but prior to packing, my partner produced a couple of (women's) swim tops that no longer fit her. One was sort of a tank top but the other was more like a sports bra and was much more modest than the bikini tops I'd bought, which showed a deep cleavage and lots of boob. But the sports top did reveal a decent amount of cleavage. When I saw the number of people at the beaches, I realized I didn't have the courage to wear the bikini, so the TomboyX tank over the sports top was my choice. She also gave me a pair of ladies shorts that were pretty nondescript but I liked the idea that they weren't made for men and I know she knew that when suggesting them. It was a significant gesture, at a time when I'm very unsure of her level of acceptance.

Even with the tank/top combo, my breasts are too large to hide at this point. It was a pretty weak attempt at boymoding. I was pretty nervous when we got to the first beach and it took me a while to summon the nerve to walk to the water. I feel like I was quite a sight: mostly shaved head with a swim cap over it, thin, hairless arms, shaved legs, closely shaved face, with somewhat male features, tall frame, rounded butt. A real gender mutt.

I finally went in the water and it was lovely, of course. For the first time in my life, I floated! It seems that the increase in body fat allows my lower body to float instead of pulling me down like an anchor. This sign of my changing body was thrilling. Coming out of the water was a different story. The small amount of flattening the tank provided disappeared once everything was wet. I trucked out of the water and to our beach chairs and quickly as possible and hid beneath a towel. But despite my fears, I felt an exhilaration. For perhaps the first time in over 40 years, I felt proud of my body. But not proud enough to quell my fear of ridicule or stares.

This worked for several days, as we visited different beaches. It was difficult, but it got slightly easier with each outing. On one occasion, we had a bit of privacy where we were seated, so I pulled the tank off and sat in my chair in the just the sports top. Again, I felt exhilaration, verging on euphoria.

One one occasion, my girlfriend did something that made me so happy: before snorkeling, we put anti-fog drops on our lenses and I was trying to figure out if my shorts pockets would safely hold the little bottle. She grabbed it and said "there's a little pocket right here" as she put it in a little sewn-in pocket in my sports top, in the space between my boobs. It felt like a girl moment between us.

The last beach day was the most intense. I hadn't planned to do it, but after we got settled in, I took my shirt off and I decided to head into the water with just the sports top and shorts, no tank. It was extremely scary. I walked into the water, with people to the left and right of me and kept walking until I was standing in water up to my shoulders. I just stood there for several minutes, my mind racing. I started to feel everything, this whole gender mess I'm in. Thoughts of "what am I?", "why am I like this?", "I don't know how to do this", "this is hard", "I don't want to be this way" and other thoughts popped into my head. I started to weep.

The weeps turned to sobbing. Tears were running down my face. My girlfriend was standing a few feet behind me and asked "are you ok?" I couldn't even speak because I as crying so hard while facing the open water. After a few minutes, I calmed down enough to turn around but found she'd walked back up to our chairs. I hustled back up to the beach with shoulders hunched, arms tight to my side and head down and joined her in our little shady spot in the sand and still couldn't stop crying. She gently suggested I just let my feelings out. She asked what she could do and I whispered "support me" through my sobs. She gently placed her hand on my arm and I cried hard into my towel, the feelings washing over me like the waves of the Caribbean. After some time in the chairs, I found the courage to venture out in that top and felt free and content as I swam around for the next couple of hours.

So...it was hard. The bikini top and swim skirts I bought never made it to the beach. I can't claim that victory. But I made it to the beach and wore female-gendered swimwear. It was really scary, but I did it. Around the rental space, I wore a couple of women's tank tops I own, which is not something I ever do at home. I just love the way I feel and the way my body looks in them. This process is slow for me, but it continues...

Well written.  Reading it created such vivid feelings and images in my mind that it was almost as if I lived it myself. 

It is very hard.  And, I have never done it myself. The only major steps I have made were coming out to my wife and to a friend.  Coming out to my wife was hard.  And, honestly I was only able to do it because I had already decided to kill myself regardless how she reacted.  She talked me into living.  And she has been by my side for 17 years since. 

Your girlfriend seems to be a true friend.  I don't know how all of this is going to affect the relationship, but it seems that she will support you whatever happens.  And, that is wonderful to have (someone who knows you and doesn't run away). 

I would imagine that the trip was the trip of a lifetime.  Thrilling,  scary, beautiful, and she was there with you.

Kudos on your bravery.  You continue to move forward in spite of your fears.  That is courage by any definition.  You should be very proud of yourself.  I hope you took some pictures.  But, I am sure you'll never forget it whether there are pictures or not.

Finally, which was your favorite island?  I would expect it was St John.  But, I am curious.

Don't be to hard on yourself Courtney. We are social creatures and programed to care what others think, to the point of our own unhappiness. Not many are able to say 'f' it and not care. I think you handled the beach very well. Its scary being that exposed. One giant leap/step for Courtney. Congratulations, you survived. Keep on the journey. You know the path is scary but its the right one.
Hugs Gina

I'm glad you had a nice trip, Courtney. The 'early days' of HRT can be quite emotional. We had to pack our emotions away for decades, and HRT weakens the dam which was holding them back.

I've always believed that if transitioning were easy, everyone would do it.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: REM.1126 on February 24, 2024, 08:49:21 PMWell written.  Reading it created such vivid feelings and images in my mind that it was almost as if I lived it myself. 

It is very hard.  And, I have never done it myself. The only major steps I have made were coming out to my wife and to a friend.  Coming out to my wife was hard.  And, honestly I was only able to do it because I had already decided to kill myself regardless how she reacted.  She talked me into living.  And she has been by my side for 17 years since. 

Your girlfriend seems to be a true friend.  I don't know how all of this is going to affect the relationship, but it seems that she will support you whatever happens.  And, that is wonderful to have (someone who knows you and doesn't run away). 

I would imagine that the trip was the trip of a lifetime.  Thrilling,  scary, beautiful, and she was there with you.

Kudos on your bravery.  You continue to move forward in spite of your fears.  That is courage by any definition.  You should be very proud of yourself.  I hope you took some pictures.  But, I am sure you'll never forget it whether there are pictures or not.

Finally, which was your favorite island?  I would expect it was St John.  But, I am curious.

Thanks, Rachel. I'm glad it spoke to you. I'm sorry that you continue to have to hide your true self, but glad that your wife is still by your side. My partner has been very good through all of this, if not totally accepting. I chalk it up to two things: her being a fundamentally good person, and my giving her lots of time to process the changes and to adjust.

St John was much more enjoyable than St Thomas, simply because it was considerably less crowded and developed.

Quote from: Gina P on February 25, 2024, 10:39:28 AMDon't be to hard on yourself Courtney. ...its the right one.

Thanks, hon. As always, I appreciate your friendship.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 26, 2024, 08:05:47 AMI'm glad you had a nice trip, Courtney. The 'early days' of HRT can be quite emotional. We had to pack our emotions away for decades, and HRT weakens the dam which was holding them back.

I've always believed that if transitioning were easy, everyone would do it.

Thanks, Jess. Agreed. This "trans thing" was always pretty abstract to me, a fantasy. Realizing it and dealing with the difficulties and triumphs is quite a lot sometimes.

For those "eggs" reading along (people who happen to be trans but haven't yet come out to themselves ("cracked"), I'll say that while fear and consequences are very real aspects of this, there's lots of joy and a soul-rattling satisfaction to be had by finally scratching this itch. When I'm not worrying, I'm quite happy with what coming out to myself (and others) and HRT has done to validate me and bring me closer to the person I'd always dreamed I could be.

For those who say that you can't start HRT without serious social consequences and lifestyle adjustments, I offer this:

Despite significant changes in my face, body and even my personality, I'm pretty sure that 95% of the people I know and see during the average week have no idea that I've been on HRT for over two years. I have to be careful with clothing choices, and there have been sacrifices, but it has been worth it. I'm still in control of the narrative. I have no regrets.

I'm sorry you had some tough moments Courtney, but I'm really happy you had an overall great time, and you should be really proud of the huge accomplishment!!

Believe me, I will reread that post before the summer when it's my turn at bat, so to speak.

It's nice to know you did all that and, despite your fears, the world did NOT, in fact, stop spinning!  ;D

Congrats again on such a big step!!

Love,
Allie

Hi. I don't post many updates because there isn't much of consequence to report and I don't use this as a "general" blog. Rather, I use it to document the ups and downs of my transition.

That said, stuff is always happening, just not always stuff I can/feel like sharing. Here's a rundown of some things:

Hair

My hair replacement surgery recovery and progress seem to be going as expected, which is to say that some of the transplanted hair has fallen out and needs to start regrowing. This distressing consequence of transplanting hairs was anticipated but not welcomed. That said, I think I've done better than many, because a lot of hairs didn't fall out. But there are lots of "spaces" in between the hairs I can see that make it look as though half of the hairs they transplanted have died, never to return. This is the thing I have to remain calm and patient about.

I look forward to a year from now, when I should have a nice hairline and (hopefully) natural-looking hair, but I try not to think too much about it.

Body

I'd read that body and face changes don't really kick in well when there's testosterone hanging about and recent changes in my face and body shape have seemed to accelerate since my T levels disappeared a few months ago. This is great news. My "natural waist" seems much higher than I thought it would be, up above my belly button.

I've also read (in Julia Serano's "Whipping Girl") that female-appearing secondary sex characteristics, such as body shape, breasts and lack of facial hair tend to have a significant impact on one's ability to be gendered correctly, more than face, even. So I'm holding onto the thought that my ongoing facial hair removal, growing scalp hair and changing body shape might tilt the scales in my favor.

"Me" fail

Last week I stopped in at a friend's house to drop something off. Knocked on the door and his wife answered, looked straight at me, and apprehensively told me she didn't know who I was. I haven't seen her for about a year. She was surprised when I told her it was "me"...I've known her for about 20 years. She told me I looked "healthy" and that I gained weight. I did have a baseball cap on and no facial hair, but I'm still quite surprised that she was unable to recognize me.

Anyway, I was completely stunned. I had a "me" fail. This is good. A sign of progress, for sure

Keystone Conference

The Keystone Conference started in 1989 and is being held in Harrisburg, PA (hence the name). Gina and I are headed there next week for a day of seminars, vendor visits and socializing. I'm planning on dressing for the event - a rare occurrence for me. But way more importantly, I've scheduled a minor makeover with a cosmetologist exhibitor who specializes in working with transfemme people. I'm excited about and I little scared by this. I want to see "her" in the mirror after this person has worked their magic. But what if I don't? Well, I need to know if there's hope, so I'm glad I'm doing it.

Sounds like things are going well. Cheers to your happiness!
A positive attitude goes a long way. I think you are doing great.

Hugs!

Quote from: LoriDee on March 13, 2024, 10:15:38 PMSounds like things are going well. Cheers to your happiness!
A positive attitude goes a long way. I think you are doing great.

Hugs!

Thanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 14, 2024, 11:39:12 AMThanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Stay resilient. Stay Strong.

Embrace a good cry when you need to.

You have a huge cheering section. I am merely one of many. You got this.

Jenn
(enjoy keystone)

Quote from: Courtney G on March 14, 2024, 11:39:12 AMThanks, hon. But you don't know the half of it, lol. I'm try to leave my constant fear and anxiety over this whole "transitioning mess" off of here. But I'm still here, still doing the best I can.

Oh girl, If you can't bring your fear and anxiety here, where can you bring it?  You can bring it here and someday, you'll leave it here.  Someday soon I think.

Love and Hugs to you.
Paulie.



 

Hi. I'm still here. Sorry I haven't posted in a while. In my case, I post here to share my thoughts and feelings for my benefit and to benefit folx like me, rather than journaling about daily stuff, so it takes both the desire and the time to sit down and pour those feelings out.

I'll write a proper update soon - just wanted to say "hi" for now.

EDIT: I've updated my avatar. It was taken at the Keystone conference, after my makeup appointment and a wig purchase. I have to tell the Keystone story. It's a tale of positivity to offset the Scary Island Adventure in my previous post. Stay tuned...

Nice avatar. Very gorgeous girl. You look radiant in that pic and very happy.
Hugs Gina

Thanks, Gina - you've been very kind.

So...about the Keystone Conference:

I'd heard about it online, as it promised to be a pretty big event. The conference has been happening for many years (this was the 13th year). Billed as "A Celebration of Gender Diversity", it's 5 days of workshops and seminars, and lots of fellowship between trans people of all stripes. When I learned about it, I knew I had to go. I mentioned it to my pal, Gina, and she signed on without hesitation. I was excited to be in a totally safe space and I hoped to learn some stuff along the way. We planned on meeting Caela there, which was something we were looking forward to.

I decided to attend on Friday only, although in retrospect, staying overnight would have been better. The day went by quickly...

I drove to Gina's place, wearing jeans (women's Carhartt) and a black tank top with a button-down "boyfriend" shirt in white with light blue stripes. I wanted to wear something that was decidedly female, but reflect my casual style. Not quite androgynous, and less girly than some might have chosen. I felt comfortable. I also packed makeup, sandals, nail polish, some bandanas and some other items, as I planned to get a little more dolled up during the 2 hour drive to the conference. I wore bright red toenail polish beneath my socks and Vans sneakers.

As I've mentioned many times, my hair/hairline presents a challenge. I'm in the really awkward growth phase between my transplant surgery and having a (hopefully) full head of hair. I brought several bandanas but really wanted a pink one, which wasn't among the ones I'd borrowed from my girlfriend (hers had gotten torn up from use). But of course, Gina bought one for me - she's a good friend. As we barreled down the interstate, I started to apply a really pretty lavender nail gloss that I'd bought a few days earlier. I did a pretty good lob, but Gina ended up pulling over so I could finish without struggling and making a mess of myself.

I put some foundation and rouge on, along with some light pink lipstick, then put my sandals on in the parking garage. I knew we were going to be walking a lot but I wanted my painted toenails to show. I was wearing a bra that I really liked.

As soon as we got inside, there were transfemme people everywhere. I'd expected a ton of pretty young trans girls but I was surprised to see that the majority were around our age. I suspect many were like me and weren't out full time. Many had expressive clothing on and lots of makeup. I thought I'd feel "less than" and out of place, but I didn't. A transfemme person couldn't have asked for a more accepting environment. I was a little disappointed at the lack of masc and non-binary  people there, but that's not uncommon in these spaces, unfortunately.

We started sitting in on some of the seminars right away. They were interesting. Perhaps more interesting was the fact that I was sitting there in a tank top, with makeup on and my boobs showing. This was only the second time I'd been out as Courtney despite over 2 years of HRT. I can't overstate the significance of letting my body show after carefully hiding it for so long.

The most profound thing I heard during the seminars was from a 70-something trans woman, who said she identified as bi-gender for nine and a half years, and that she only dressed on the weekends during that time. She said that the best time to take your next step is when you feel uncomfortable with that place you're at. This was not what I was used to hearing. All of my trans friends had been urging me to step outside of my comfort zone, to push myself. But comfort is what I need. Her words were like a salve. I felt relief. I was doing it right.

I had a makeup appointment scheduled right around the time the luncheon started, so I went up to the cosmetologist's room and she got started. As she worked on me, I warned her not to expect a really positive reaction from me. I told her I wanted to see "her" but I really have a hard time doing so. She said she thought I was looking great. She also pointed out that a wig would pull the whole look together. She handed me the mirror after finishing and I had a peep. She did a great job but I couldn't help but see a male face beneath that makeup. I told her it looked "really nice" (or something) and headed down to catch up with Caela, Gina and some new friends, one of which I met on Discord.

I told them that I wished I had a wig that I liked (I owned 5 but none were really working for me) and the next time I saw them, they dragged me to a small vendor area and to a salon/wig place, which happens to be based about an hour from my home. I sat down in front of the stylist (Josh) and he pulled out a blonde wig, suggesting that the color would suit me, while my companions looked on. Their exclamations suggested that it looked pretty good, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw in the mirror.

I started to cry. Hard.

I looked pretty. I looked feminine. I felt like a woman. It was amazing. He tried another one on, but the first one was the one I needed. I bought the wig and walked out of there feeling like I really belonged.

I cannot adequately describe the way I felt for the rest of my time at Keystone. I felt attractive, comfortable in my own skin. I sat in the bar, drink in hand and watched people come and go. I could have people-watched all day, as a feeling of calm had come over me. I went to the bathroom and took a selfie in the mirror. As I walked around, I felt special, pretty. The experience blew my mind.

I wish I could tell you that I decided to come out to everyone after Keystone, that I'm Courtney, full-time, but I'm not. But part of the reason I went to Keystone was to find proof-of-concept that somehow I could be a girl. I feel like I did it - I proved that it's possible. As my hair continues to grow and my body continues to change, I'll be looking forward to the next time I feel safe enough to go out as "her." For now, I'm comfortable where I'm at, and I learned that that's OK.

I'm happy for you, Courtney.

That is a wonderful story, Courtney. I know that feeling of putting on a wig and seeing that woman in the mirror. Wow, she is gorgeous! Oh, that's me. I see me in there!

Dear Courtney,

Thanks for sharing your Keystone story, I love happy endings.

Warm Regards,
Paulie.

Keystone was certainly a fun time, Courtney. Imagine, if you will, a world where Courtney can be out every day. Every day is Keystone and those feelings of comfort in your skin last all day, every day. Not pushing you, but its possible. Hugs
  Your friend Gina

Well done little sister!... Kudos on the brave step forward towards claiming a life that fulfills your spirit!  Many many more amazing discoveries are patiently awaiting you!

Hugs!

A 😀💕🌻

I'm so fortunate to have new gal pals like Ashley, Gina, Athena, Brooke, Caela, Jessica, Heidemarie and Sara in my life these days. We support and lift each other up. It's a wonderful little group. I'd love to get us all together to break bread someday.

I'm 3.5 months post hair transplant and it's really starting to thicken. I'm very fortunate to have not lost all of the transplanted hair, which is unusual. But I did lose a bunch and those lost ones are just starting to sprout. In the meantime, you can see my scalp through the hair in the transplanted area, so I tend to fixate on that. I can't wait for the other hairs to grow in. I suspect it will starting looking very good over the next couple of months. This is like a dream fulfilled and it gives me a confidence boost regarding public transition.

I spent last week growing my facial hair out so I could wax it Thursday, shave Friday morning, and zap the roots with my IPL (I use carbon dye to darken the grayed roots). It grows very slowly these days. This whole facial hair thing is the biggest and hardest project for me right now. It's hard for me to wear makeup when I just see the whiskers screaming through. Anyway, I got my face pretty cleared up so I decided to put my nice wig on. I purposely put it right below my "new" (post transplant) hairline because I wanted to get an idea as to how much forehead I'm dealing with. It's not the lowest hairline but I think it's pretty reasonable.

I didn't look bad, so I put some concealer, foundation, powder and lipstick on and boom, there she was again. I was quite surprised, as it's taking less effort to look female these days. Kinda gives me hope.

I didn't spend much time like that, but I felt that same calm come over me that I experienced during Keystone. It's a very telling feeling. But I don't think I'm ready to go out in public like that, aside from maybe a drive somewhere.

Baby steps. They're the only steps I'm able to take.

(https://i.imgur.com/cMxO11D.jpeg)

Looking good, Courtney!

I'd like to know about the carbon dye you use. I have two IPL machines that I have used on my legs, but with a gray beard, it didn't work. I am like you that I get so frustrated shaving only to have whickers pop through. I was advised once to use concealer with a pink tint to cover the shadows. I found that a light touch of pink lipstick works, then use a sponge to work it into the area and spread it out so it blends in. Dyeing the whiskers to use the IPL is something I considered, but I didn't think it would get deep enough into the follicle to work. Please share your wisdom oh great wise sister.

Great to see your beautiful face posted and no 'face app' logo. Amazing how far you have come sister. Looking great.
Hugs Gina

Quote from: Courtney G on May 04, 2024, 07:29:27 PMI'm so fortunate to have new gal pals like Ashley, Gina, Athena, Brooke, Caela, Jessica, Heidemarie and Sara in my life these days. We support and lift each other up. It's a wonderful little group. I'd love to get us all together to break bread someday.

Hey! I am super happy you have a support network. I am happy for all of you.

No one does this alone. thanks for the update.

~Jenn

Quote from: LoriDee on May 04, 2024, 10:22:55 PMLooking good, Courtney!

I'd like to know about the carbon dye you use. I have two IPL machines that I have used on my legs, but with a gray beard, it didn't work. I am like you that I get so frustrated shaving only to have whickers pop through. I was advised once to use concealer with a pink tint to cover the shadows. I found that a light touch of pink lipstick works, then use a sponge to work it into the area and spread it out so it blends in. Dyeing the whiskers to use the IPL is something I considered, but I didn't think it would get deep enough into the follicle to work. Please share your wisdom oh great wise sister.

Sorry for the delayed reply. Thank you! And thanks for the tip regarding the pink lipstick! I'd read about carbon dye as a solution for grays, so I'm giving it a try but the jury is still out as to whether it will be effective. I'm waxing as much of my face as I can tolerate (it hurts) then shaving very closely, then applying the dye to my skin, wiping the surface dye off with alcohol. The idea is that some dye will find its way into the root where it will absorb the heat from the IPL. It's also possible that the hairs I didn't extract by waxing will get a little dyed and will also get the zap.

I'll try it this way for a couple more months (about once every 10 days, as time allows) and see if I continue to get a reduction in facial hairs. It's a pain because I have to let my whiskers grow for at least a week in order to get enough for waxing (they grow slowly these days). So it's going to be some time before I can report back regarding the effectiveness.

For me, those facial hairs seem to come screaming through the foundation - it's a real dysphoria trigger - they're all I seem to focus on, sometimes. I've had several electrolysis sessions, but the cost really adds up, as you know!

Quote from: Gina P on May 05, 2024, 07:35:21 AMGreat to see your beautiful face posted and no 'face app' logo. Amazing how far you have come sister. Looking great.
Hugs Gina

Thanks, hon. I wish I was where you're at, but I am what I am (Popeye).

Quote from: Jenn104 on May 05, 2024, 04:46:44 PMHey! I am super happy you have a support network. I am happy for all of you.

No one does this alone. thanks for the update.

~Jenn

Thank you, Jenn. I totally agree. You know, you're on my short list of people from here who I'd like to hang out with!!

Quote from: Courtney G on May 08, 2024, 08:07:46 PMThank you, Jenn. I totally agree. You know, you're on my short list of people from here who I'd like to hang out with!!

Hey Courtney  - come hang out here in the halloween capitol of the universe. Seriously-- we should figure out a weekend.

~Jenn

Thanks, Courtney!

I found the dye online and ordered some. It arrives tomorrow. I have tried waxing, so I know what you mean. Ouch, but when I was camping I would spend hours yanking them one at a time. And it does take forever for them to grow out. At least the wax is quick. I am anxious to see how well it works. Let's compare notes! Thanx again for the tip!