Sorry it's so long. It would only let me type so much at a time.

It's a month or so now since all this happened and nothing's changed. It's the elephant in the room that we ignore. It has been swept under the rug. Life is ok. We aren't fighting and we make love occasionally so that's good, but it's eatting me up inside. It's not going away and I feel the longer I try to ignore it the more dramatic ways it will lash out

As for now I'm going to continue or restart my therapy sessions. I'm going to continue to try and answer all these questions for myself with the help of doing research and talking to people and professionals. And we've agreed to be open and honest to be transparent to not do anything without discussing it first in terms of transitioning. Which is probably the best route. 

With all this said I'm still not so sure my marriage will survive this we're both hurt and we both lost a lot of trust and I feel like now nothing personal is off limits and that there are no personal boundaries I can't even have deep personal thoughts remain my own if she would have it her way. I feel every step I take to explore and find out who I am is a step away from her my marriage and family.

All I know is that I'm not getting any younger and I feel like owe it to myself to at least explore an experiment with this and see if it feels right or if it feels like this is been The missing Link in my life all this time or who knows I could be like what the f*** am I doing this is stupid and silly this is not for me I don't know but I feel I at least owe it to myself to explore this side of me. I wish I had done it a long time ago because if I did ultimately end up deciding to transition I'd have a whole lot more time to become the woman I meant to be. Versus trying to transition later on in life which is not impossible as I've seen many of you on this forum successfully do that but there's always that what if in the back of your head that if you did it sooner how things would have turned out would you have been more pleased with your transition and body and dysphoria versus doing it later in life.

I know life doesn't always give us the best options and timing for when things happen and there's always a great deal of things to consider in every decision we make.

So for now I am still me I'm still a male and presenting as a male I'm questioning my gender, and what it all means and what are all the possible outcomes good and bad but it's hard to see the good when initially all you're going to see and deal with is the negative consequences. I am hopeful which is weird because I am a very typically pessimistic and negative person and personality. I just usually always prepare for the worst and I'm usually right in doing so. But I just feel like I can't continue living life the way I'm living it I need to finally resolve this issue versus trying to repress it.

So far 2024 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

There is some kind of sense of relief that she knows but at the same time I feel like it's a giant elephant in the room walking on eggshells even if we aren't actively having the conversation about transition and what it all means and what I need from her and what she expects or needs from me. 

After all this has gone on she's still here she hasn't asked me for divorce or asked me to find somewhere else to live or even asked me to sleep in a different part of the house. So I guess that's a good sign for now she does love me but she is who she is and she has told me many times she's not attracted to women and if I become one she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stick around she likes men she likes having sex with men if I am not a man then our relationship and marriage especially the physical aspect will change forever and either we find a compromise and a way around it or I guess ultimately the relationship is over maybe we still be friends we still love and care about each other but a marriage is probably going to dissolve. And if I transition who knows how I may evolve and who knows what things change about me as of right now I'm still attracted to my wife and women will I be a lesbian so to speak if I become a woman or will my orientation change as I continue to take hormones and feel more feminine. As I've read a lot on the internet and again by no means these are experts saying these things but the most feminine thing a man can do is to be with another man, as in being the female or playing the female role while having sexual intercourse with a man. 

And to complicate things further my wife has children with her ex they're not too young but they're still living with us and they're still sharing custody and of course she's afraid she might lose custody if I ever come out officially in transition because there's a lot of negative stereotypes around being trans in general.

It's a very complicated matter. But like I said for now we're still married we're still talking there have been no ultimatums and she's still around. We even made love a few days later and it was intense and felt amazing but again we'll see how things develop maybe it was just make up sex who knows.

So finally get out of the shower and find her on the bed still reading my phone and a pretty long argument fight conversation ensues afterwards I
know I should have told.my wife when we were dating about this side of myself. I know I was wrong in withholding this from her. I felt I could deal with it like I always do.

I can't imagine to understand what my wife is feeling and going through I'm sure we both are equally feeling the same amount of pain hurt anger mistrust and everything else. She's just as afraid and concerned about our future as I am what it's all going to mean to her and our family and friends and everything.

Seems like everyday we end up getting into an argument or conversation about all this and she's really just trying to figure out and ask questions but it comes off a lot differently and it definitely feels one-sided in the way she approaches the topics.

I can tell you I feel that I only have two choices that I remain the same for the sake of my wife and our family and everything and everyone that knows us and keep things as normal as possible. Or I explore this side of myself and potentially lose my wife my family friends life as I know it will never be the same. Granted life will never be the same anyways after all this I could not do anything and still lose my wife because our marriage is already been on the rocks and we have horrible communication skills.

Or I can explore this and decide to transition and have my wife and family leave me anyways at some point because this isn't what they signed up for and I did not give them any choice by keeping it a secret. So do I attempt to live life as I've always done and hope that the depression and everything else doesn't get too much to wear I ultimately take my own life. Do I decide to explore this and who knows maybe potentially transition in some form or everything under the sun that I could possibly do and I could still end up unhappy and still have lost everything either way it's a huge gamble no matter what I do.

So 4 days ago I come home from work. It's been another late day and trying to move stuff from our three storage units to bring to our new house clean up and move it in to try and repair things and move on with life after the fire. I get in the shower and do my normal routine and about halfway through as I'm shaving my body my wife comes in and asked me what the hell this is and she's holding my phone. Granted I don't know what she's talking about initially because I can't see what's on my phone that she's ranting about. Long story short she went in my phone got on social media and started going through my conversations with people. Granted she probably thought she was going to catch me having an affair with somebody else or talking to another woman and starting a relationship behind her back. But what she found was conversations of me reaching out to individuals who have already transitioned trying to gather information and do my own research get advice anything and everything that I could possibly take away from these individuals for my benefit trying to figure out what's going on with me and why I'm having these feelings and why they're not going away this time.

Definitely not what she had expected. But as I'm standing there naked in the shower with a razor blade in my hand I'm getting the third degree feels like the Spanish Inquisition. I'm literally standing there trying to answer her questions a lot of the same questions I don't even have for myself answered standing there ashamed afraid sobbing. Not knowing where this is all going to lead now definitely not how I thought my evening was going to go.  As you can imagine I was feeling many different emotions and feelings. Most of all feeling betrayed and that my trust in my wife to not break boundaries and to not allow me my individual privacy is now gone. Everything I do is now under a microscope it feels like anything I buy on Amazon anything I bring up it doesn't matter somehow it all goes back to me keeping a secret from my wife which apparently is just as bad as me physically sticking my penis inside another woman and having sex with her.

Fact of the matter is I have always been able to repress it, and forget about it. It's always been a secret of mine. Even if it has caused a great deal of depression and even suicidal idealization.
 
So since this wasn't going away this time I decided I'd continue my research I've always looked into transitioning and everything that goes with it over the years but I've been much more actively researching and gathering information as much as I could. Started speaking with the therapist granted I've only had two sessions with him before the house fire and haven't had any sense but even he has expressed a lot of things that I was not aware of or didn't even think about. I even reached out to a few individuals who have already transitioned I'm happy they even decided to write me back since I imagine they get a lot of messages from people on social media asking questions and their advice and whatnot.

Anyways this is always been a secret of mine I've always figured it would go away to an extent maybe come back every now and again but not to this extreme as it has so I've never really felt obligated to tell anyone about it. Well with everything going on house fire wife finding out bad news about her stepdad having cancer and not sure how long he has to live our marriage being on unstable ground for a long time now people deal with things differently and my way was always to shut down and focus on the task and that's it I don't talk about things I don't share my feelings I don't do any of that. When I try people usually misunderstand me I don't know or feel that I can communicate in a way that people understand what I'm trying to say without me pissing them off for lack of a better words. So with everything going on I'm pulling away distancing myself. Not that I am doing those things on purpose but it is just what I do to deal with stress

So this is a long story. And I apologize, I use talk to text since I Access this forum on my Mobil phone. And I appreciate you all hanging in there and reading.

Anyways where to being. Like the headliner says I was outted by my wife. Granted she didn't know, she was expecting something very different. Anyways. Here's to full version.

I have been dealing with think and feeling that I am and want to be a woman all my life. As long as I can remember since childhood. There could be a few contributing factors to this. Maybe due to my mom and dad being divorced and only raised by the women in the family or maybe even the sexual abuse I went through as a family member used me to discover that he himself is gay. Who knows... But the fact remains. As long as I can remember I have always been envious of the female body. I've always wanted a V instead of a P. Always wanted the curves and the hips. The whole package. Sadly I was born a boy. So I figured this was never going to happen. And I was able to repress and forget about these thoughts and feelings.

As the years passed. They would come and go. I always managed to repress them. Not sure why now they're back. Not sure why I can't seem to repress them anymore. Maybe stress,.maybe too much visual stimulation from social media and you tube on how many more.people are coming out in general. Maybe it was years of porn and the slow progression of porn from soft to some.of the more extreme kinds. Who knows.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on Today at 07:04:15 AMYesterday, in a nearby town, I saw a transwoman exiting a grocery store. She wore a long, flowered skirt and a patterned  shirt and vest. Color and pattern atop color and pattern atop color and pattern, a rudimentary fashion mistake, which invite a second look all by itself...and that second look took me to a face not sufficiently softened by estrogen, which is why I clocked her. I expect you wouldn't make that mistake, but do use your wife as a fashion consultant, which is something nearly all women do.

I've been asking my wife what to wear for years. I don't see why anything would change going forward. 😉

And the advantage I have to is, as I might have mentioned? We've slowly been migrating my wardrobe over the past six months. A time lapse video of my closet would see the color palate soften, items replaced with either gender neutral or wholly female versions, etc... so that really there are days NOW where every item of clothing I'm wearing is women's clothing, even though I'm still presenting as male.

So it really will be hair, body changes, make up (which will be minimum), some jewelry I suppose (earrings for sure at some point), and some more overtly feminine items when the script really flips. But I cannot imagine making those "fashion don't" kind of mistakes.

Partly because of how we've slow played this, and partly because my wife would never let me. 😂

Chicken in the slow cooker with Sweet Baby Ray's Original Barbeque Sauce. Yuh Ummm!

Hopefully, that will put an end to that.

Bullies will continue to bully as long as they can get away with it. Good for you standing up for yourself. Nobody should have to put up with that.