« on: December 05, 2021, 06:16:47 am »
Does you mind ever catch up with reality after transition? I became Jessica nearly six years ago, yet when I think about myself, my mind deadnames me. When I see my initials, which didn't change, my mind translates it to my deadname. Is the voice you hear in your mind the same voice others hear when you speak?
When I look at my reflection, I still see features that remind me of the person I used to be. When I see a photo of myself, my mind sometimes doesn't know who it is. My past is exceptionally painful, and I am still in the process of getting rid of reminders. I don't display any of my old photos, items with my deadname have been banished to storage or discarded. My wife knows how painful it can be for me, and she helps protect me from the occasional piece of mail which may include my deadname. One of the reasons we recently moved was to get away from the neighborhood where we had lived for 15 years, where all our friends and neighbors knew my background -- even newer neighbors who have only known me as Jessica. I often wish there was a 'reset' button I could press which would cause others only to remember me as I am now.
The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful, and so hard to forget.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
I am saddened reading your post, Jessica Rose. I think time will help.
Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 05, 2024, 07:53:25 AMI am saddened reading your post, Jessica Rose. I think time will help.
Thank you, O&C.
I think the older we were when we transitioned, the longer it takes our brains to fully adjust. Some of the surgical procedures I've had were attempts to erase the vision of who I used to be. It is better now, but my old ghost still visits occasionally. There is one more procedure I'm considering which I think will help, and it is really minor compared to everything else I've done. I'll post more information once everything is a 'go'.
Love always -- Jess
Jess,
I am sorry to hear how you are feeling out your old self. The only time I think of <deadname> is when I feel the loss of my wife. I think I have been able to put him in the rear view mirror is the fact that I have had to create a new life as a widow.
Ellen
Great question and thoughts about your relationship with your reality. Thanks, Jessica, for all that you share.
As I have mentioned before, I have never transitioned, because I just changed my clothes and put some makeup on and instead of having a years holiday, I just went back to work inside of 3 months, probably a little sooner than that. Reality did not change for me. I still had to live. So, I do not see or hear, who I used to be.
My mind did not change in anyway whatsoever, I was still a female. I was just still me. I just continued on with my life, I assume hormones that I was taking, took the edge of that wanting or longing that was ever present at the time and I did not have to think about wanting or longing to be a female anymore.
Its been 33 years since my surgery or 36 years since my epiphany and I have matured as an adult and achieved so much more than I ever did.
It's extremely rare for my previous name to come up, especially in the family and if it does, it is usually unintentional or used in a historic reference, I cringe very much when I hear it and I say please don't mention it, in a polite way. Nobody outside the family knows it, except one old high school friend. I cannot forget it, because it was part of me for 30 years, but the less I hear it, the better off I am.
Very recently, I mentioned that I would destroy old photos of me, if I came across them. However, not all of them got destroyed and the ones that are left, I have scanned them and the ones of me and my brothers when we were young I will give them a copy.
Which comes to the final point where Jessica_Rose says in her OP and I quote.
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 05, 2024, 06:47:24 AM« on: December 05, 2021, 06:16:47 am »
The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful, and so hard to forget.
Reflects pretty much the same about me in a sense and that was, "He died so that I could live". I have memories of my past
life and they are part of who I am today.
Kind regard to one and all
Sarah B
Quote from: Sarah B on January 15, 2024, 03:58:10 AMAs I have mentioned before, I have never transitioned, because I just changed my clothes and put some makeup on... Reality did not change for me.
Similarly, I'm still me and MORE me. When I was a pre-teen, I noticed that I wasn't as feminine as other girls. When I was a teenager, I noticed my androgyny and tried to persuade a doctor to do a hysterectomy. I considered it part of my 1960s/1970s cool feminism. In college, I put on the clothes, did my hair, and played the girl part while enjoying shocking people with my interest in car mechanics, woodworking, electrical circuits, and my own muscle strength.
Like you, then I changed my clothes, but I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing heels and stockings. Eventually stopped wearing bras because I didn't have much there anyway.
I still enjoy the ease of throwing on a dress, much like many men of other times and cultures.
So, when I got my cancer diagnoses, cancer dictated the chest and pelvic surgeries, but my gender identity brought me great peace and comfort. My body feels Right, now. It feels more familiar. I am pleased with the results. My surgery put me more in touch with how nonbinary I am. It confirmed my gender identity.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMSimilarly, I'm still me and MORE me. When I was a pre-teen, I noticed that I wasn't as feminine as other girls.
You have hit the proverbial nail on the head in describing me. Like you, I have done so much more since surgery and I'm still me. I really get it. I will rephrase your last words, "I noticed that I wasn't as macho as other boys". I liked what other girls were doing and I wanted to join in and do the same thing, I can remember the yearning as if it was only yesterday. The pain, anguish and sadness still hurts me today, that little girl could not play with the other girls.
Thank you for reminding me of how much, I wanted to be a girl, These particular memories, cement in my mind that they were not just random fleeting moments.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMWhen I was a teenager, I noticed my androgyny and tried to persuade a doctor to do a hysterectomy. I considered it part of my 1960s/1970s cool feminism. In college, I put on the clothes, did my hair, and played the girl part while enjoying shocking people with my interest in car mechanics, woodworking, electrical circuits, and my own muscle strength.
You were certainly brave to suggest that to a doctor, imagine me asking a doctor for a change in anatomy! I would not be able to even squeak. Attending university three years after surgery, I got to play me, wore crappy clothes like tracky dacks, no makeup, did my hair as always and shocked the men and boys in my prowess at mathematics, electrical circuits and programming and even tutored them in those subjects. Yay girls rulz.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMLike you, then I changed my clothes, but I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing heels and stockings. Eventually stopped wearing bras because I didn't have much there anyway.
It was so liberating to finally wear what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wore them. I can relate today on not wearing a bra, so funny in the earlier days I so wanted to wear them, now I cannot wait until I can get home and remove my bras as fast as I can. The irony is not lost on me.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMI still enjoy the ease of throwing on a dress, much like many men of other times and cultures.
These days I would not even know how to dress as a male, I would not even try to do that. If I did do that, I would look absolutely ridiculous.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMSo, when I got my cancer diagnoses, cancer dictated the chest and pelvic surgeries, but my gender identity brought me great peace and comfort.
Nobody deserves to suffer from cancer and I'm sorry you had to suffer in that way. However, in a sense, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise. I know exactly how you feel about your peace and comfort. I woke up from my surgery the second time and as I drifted of back to sleep, I felt a peace and contentment fall upon me, that I have never felt before and I don't think, I will ever again.
Quote from: Moonflower on January 18, 2024, 05:53:06 AMMy body feels Right, now. It feels more familiar. I am pleased with the results. My surgery put me more in touch with how nonbinary I am. It confirmed my gender identity.
My body feels right too. I'm comfortable with it and of course I'am pleased with the results, I never knew what the surgery entailed at the time. So whatever my surgeon did, he made me extremely jubilant female. I only ever had surgery for one thing and one thing only and that was so that I could function as a female in society.
Your description of yourself as non-binary explains to me how, one can be non-binary in this world. I'm happy you have confirmed your gender identity.
Best wishes for the future
Love and hugs
Sarah B
I only see my old self when I look at my hairline in the mirror. There's nothing I can do with it except cover it up. But my eyes, my lips, the rest of my face, that's all Kathy. I am completely Kathy in my own mind, and I seldom think of my old self. When I reminisce about the old times, it is as me, not as him.
I don't mind old photographs. I still have my old "hero shot" from my flying training days in the air force. That was a fun, exciting time in my life, I have good memories of it.
I am the worst when it comes to misgendering myself. I have no problem with my name - I am always and only Kathy - but on the rare occasions when I refer to myself with third person pronouns (like when I talk to the cats), I use the wrong ones. I think it is because I use them so seldom.
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 29, 2024, 12:32:42 PMI only see my old self when I look at my hairline in the mirror. There's nothing I can do with it except cover it up. But my eyes, my lips, the rest of my face, that's all Kathy. I am completely Kathy in my own mind, and I seldom think of my old self. When I reminisce about the old times, it is as me, not as him.
I do not look in the mirror really, when I do all I see is me, just plain old Sarah. I only think about what I have done, as I have said just recently in one of my posts, "one final thought on this, my past
life makes me who I am today."
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 29, 2024, 12:32:42 PMI don't mind old photographs. I still have my old "hero shot" from my flying training days in the air force. That was a fun, exciting time in my life, I have good memories of it.
I don't mind very old photographs of me and my brothers and I just found some just recently and when I get the chance I will give them a copy as well.
Quote from: KathyLauren on January 29, 2024, 12:32:42 PMI am the worst when it comes to misgendering myself. I have no problem with my name - I am always and only Kathy - but on the rare occasions when I refer to myself with third person pronouns (like when I talk to the cats), I use the wrong ones. I think it is because I use them so seldom.
When I spoke I was very careful and slow, when it came to pronouns. Which serves me well today. I'm not immune to making the proverbial clanger regarding pronouns, extremely rare but luckily it was in front of a family member. So practice in front of your cat, it will do you the world of good.
Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B
Hear me out 'afore you shoot me?!
I think I am still who I used to be. I see and hear "who I used to be" because I'm still me. My transitioning is not a hard stop one way and beginning another. It's an evolved and evolving condition. Sure, my clothing reflects a change, leading an judging observer to assume one way over another. Female hopefully over male.
But I stand on it's "only me" after all. My old self is still me. My "new me" is me but maybe not so new. The entire situation isn't one of black and white.
My personality is still me. Maybe more boy than girl 60 years ago, as expected by those who directed my early life as is our uptight culture of today, shoehorned into boyhood, but dreaming and sneaking in girlhood. I'm more woman than man these days. Really, I suggest to you all that Im just "more me" these days. I see me, a sum of what I was, what I am, and who I'm going to be.
I hope I don't get hate mail off this philosophical view of self. Read too much Neitzsche maybe; increasingly preoccupied with the creative powers of the individual to overcome cultural and moral mores in pursuit of new values and aesthetic health.
So sorry folks. I'm gonna go home and have cocktail. Something fruity "'cause I can't shoot whiskey." ((liberally taken line from some country song memory)) All because i still see and hear who I used to be, who I am, who I'm gonna be.
Hi D'Amalie
I'm not going to shoot you, why? I still would like to hear more stories about your life and times of D'Amalie.
Rolling Me Down The Highway (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QoyjGO23mk) by Jim Croce
Quote"I've got a dream, I've got a dream Oh, I know I could share it if you want me to If you're going my way, I'll go with you Movin' me down the highway Rollin' me down the highway Movin' ahead so life wont pass me by".
So fitting, so fitting, for all thats' happened in my life, I have remained me and I will not change who I am. I have spent more than half my life as a female, although I know I have always been female.
Hate 'mail' is just a wasted activity, so let them at it, I have better things to do than humour them, in their wasteful verbiage.
I really don't drink, but on this occasion, I will toast a drink to 'ME'.
Love and Hug
Sarah B
PS RIP Jim, you were take too early.
Took me a moment of looking back and forth to pickup on the Jim Croce reference. I appreciate that!
Croce was quite the crooner!
I just seems that many folks on the site present as so firmly, so very firmly, anti-anything that isn't hard core female. That's why I worry about being "shot" in this virtual environment. I found this site five/six years ago and continue, astounded at the frankness and attitude of sharing. I simply had to participate. basking in the openess so many can't enjoy streetside. Maybe breifly I had/have blinders on? Forums can be so limititing. writing...reading...translating...analysing.
Certainly I'm not meant to dismiss positions differing from my own, disrespecting their position about being who they are. Oh my gosh, not so.,but maybe there are a raft of us that aren't almost militant about being trans. I'm finding a comfortable position and riding out my rather too short life, without getting in the way of anyone.
This isn't a fantasy fulfilment life I have. My life's no fantasy. I'm finding I can't afford hiding from life on one hand and forcing my femme self out there on the other, saying "I'm a woman, what are you going to do about it, huh? Punk?"
Thanks for sticking with me. I hear who I used to be, I see who I am, and I don't know what I'll see and hear when the future brings the next scene to the stage.
Some days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina
Quote from: Gina P on February 14, 2024, 01:13:36 PMSome days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina
Don't give up Gina. It does slowly get better.
One of the things that bothered me was my hairline. Although I could hide it a bit, I always got a stark reminder after taking a shower. I had a hair restoration procedure last week. If it's successful, my hairline will be completely different than at any time in my life. Hopefully that will be enough to banish the ghost I see in the mirror.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
Hi Gina
Jessica said it most elegantly:
Quote from: Jessica_Rose on February 14, 2024, 01:29:24 PMDon't give up Gina. It does slowly get better.
Trust me on this, she is telling you the absolute truth. I don't remember what the old me was like, all I do know is that my past is part of who I am today and all I see in the mirror is just little old me with memories of what I used to do in the past.
Cheerup and please take care of yourself, you have come so far, so be proud of what you have achieved so far.
Love and Hugs from downunder
Sarah B
@Gina P
Quote from: Gina P on February 14, 2024, 01:13:36 PMSome days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina
Gina,
One thing I have learned during my during is to be gentle with myself. I know how difficult and frustrating it can be to see something that reminds of us to much of our past. I know for me it can be disheartening to see who I presented as before my transition in the mirror when I get my hair colored. However, I remind myself that is just how hair is styled at that moment as the color is being applied and processing.
My spouse transitioning after we got married result in my taking stock in how far I have come since transitioning. That was the first point where I started to realize, I didn't need to be so hard on myself. Those around me really were what allowed me to relax and enjoy my life now and enjoy my authentic self today.
Transitioning is a journey that takes time. Just as, Hormones take time to have an impact in softening things and helping redistribute fat and the growing of breasts that we can't wait to see blossom and grow. In the end be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself time to blossom and grow as authentic self. Hugs
Mariah
Thanks ladies. Its only been a year, full time, but it seams like an eternity. I look in the mirror and think my chin is to big, as is my nose, cheeks to small, eyes to squinty. Hair covering my large forehead... Then a friend says you look great.. Not like me!!! I guess we are our worst critic. Changes keep happening from HRT but sometimes its like watching paint dry.
I'm not looking to respond to anyone directly or counter-point .. because there is no point. We all face differing levels of used to be/am now/still am. Does it tear up some who still see the 'old', yes, absolutely - and it can suck.
For myself, no, I don't 'see' old me in the mirror nor photos, the changes were/are too significant. However, I do tend to seek out the masculine features and bemoan that I'll never look 'right'. Also, I look at old photos and know logically that it's 'me' yet emotionally I do not. There is a detachment now that sees them as other.
My initials don't match my old name. I do not register it if someone calls out my old name (when not directed in my face, which rarely happens now). In my head, I am Faith, it's also what I hear and answer to. You know how you may not hear what someone says because of background noise or simply too quiet yet you hear your name from across the room? Well, I do not hear my old name anymore yet I do hear when someone says Faith.
To answer the internal response of an old name issue. Well, hard-linked memorization will do that to you. When I wanted to relearn, cover up, an old memorization that was incorrect I would internally and externally say it to help 're-link' it to what is right. I did the same when trying to recognize notes and chords for guitar and bass. I would see the image, finger it on the fretboard, think it, and say it out loud. It's just something to try with errant initial responses.
When my lightbulb came on, I let myself out. Since 'me' is who I was inside that I was holding back, I still see myself as me .. does that make sense? Are there personality quirks and actions and responses that are 'old me'? Well, yes, since it was me all along. Even Lori says that I am more 'me'.
My voice, ugh, ok granted I don't try to change it so when I am talking to someone that has known me for a long time, old voice comes in. New people and on the phone, new voice without trying. It's weird. Lori says it freaks her out because it causes a disconnect for her with regard to who I am. She doesn't equate that new voice with 'me'.
I think I rambled enough now
I would have to say that it is a bit of both. Sometimes I do see and hear who I used to be and sometimes I don't. As well as sometimes, it is also about some things.
I've done an extensive amount of voice therapy over the last 5 years or so, and I continue to practice on my voice everyday. I'm mostly happy with it, and I am always gendered properly by the sound of my voice. In fact I would say that my voice will often sway people in the right gender direction if they might appear a bit unsure based on my appearance alone. However, it is still a conscious thing that I do and I'd like it to be more of an automatic thing.
In the mirror I still often see who I used to be. My self grown head hair really has no hope of being resuscitated so I will have to see that anytime I don't wear my wig. I do lots of work on my computer so I use a keyboard often and I stare at my hands and ponder when they will invent something that can shrink hands, which is basically never. It's been 7 years on HRT and still I fear that I see vastly too much of who I used to be.
Yet, at the same time, when I look at photos of me from about 8 years ago, I can barely recognize that is a prior version of me. Like I know it is me logically, but I can't connect with that version of myself in any way. I gave my college speech on being transgender again yesterday and I show lots of photos of the old me and there is one that is crazy in how different I am it's really wild.
But yeah, I struggle and I work hard still everyday to continue to shift my internal image of self. It's not easy, but it is working. Let's go with, it's a work in progress that is headed in a good direction, slowly but surely.
Quote from: Gina P on February 14, 2024, 01:13:36 PMSome days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina
Sad but true. I find as I get older the GID becomes less strident, but I'm still disappointed that I'll not get a wolf whistle whilst walking down the street (figuratively speaking that is.) Could of, would of and should of is like guilt ... not useful.
If in my 20's in this day in time, maybe the disappointment could be overcome. No matter what, I will never be young and cute again. So, I pull up my big girl panties and enjoy what I have in life. Balancing it all is the goal in the end. Peace.
Something I never thought about before transitioning was that the voice in my head was female. I assumed I was hearing my thoughts in my mother's voice. Once in therapy, I began to realize that was my voice all along. I still have issues with my hairline. I am still in a fight with the VA about getting electrolysis to be rid of the beard shadow without irritating my face. In many ways, I agree with all of you and can relate to your experiences. D'Amalie hit it on the nose. When coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.
QuoteWhen coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.
Well put, LoriDee. However, I disagree with you just a pinch: I've been treated as female for 40 years. Those experiences have changed me somewhat. My nature is female, but now my nurture is female too.
No, I don't. Ever. That hasn't happened for about 3 years now.
Quote from: D'Amalie on January 29, 2024, 04:17:24 PMHear me out 'afore you shoot me?!
I think I am still who I used to be. I see and hear "who I used to be" because I'm still me. My transitioning is not a hard stop one way and beginning another. It's an evolved and evolving condition. Sure, my clothing reflects a change, leading an judging observer to assume one way over another. Female hopefully over male.
But I stand on it's "only me" after all. My old self is still me. My "new me" is me but maybe not so new. The entire situation isn't one of black and white.
From the moment I first started to understand my real gender, much less make any plans for transitioning, I saw it this way, that the "real me" isn't changing. I was always very gender-nonconforming, living as I wanted, doing, liking, and being what made sense to me. I think that lifestyle actually made it harder for me to understand I really am not female. All my life I thought and said: I don't have to be a man to do or like or be X. The fact that I didn't have to be, or at least I lived that way, kept me from understanding that I really was one. Transitioning now is a bit like getting the formal job title after you have been doing the work of the position already for years.
That being said, it is much more complex than that, but that seems to flow from the implementation, both medical and legal, as well as fielding the reactions of others. I don't know how far reassuring others that "I'm still me" will go.
Quote from: LoriDee on February 23, 2024, 01:05:50 PMSomething I never thought about before transitioning was that the voice in my head was female. I assumed I was hearing my thoughts in my mother's voice. Once in therapy, I began to realize that was my voice all along. I still have issues with my hairline. I am still in a fight with the VA about getting electrolysis to be rid of the beard shadow without irritating my face. In many ways, I agree with all of you and can relate to your experiences. D'Amalie hit it on the nose. When coming out to my parents, I told them that I am the same person I have been all my life. I did not change. The only difference is that now you know some private things about me that I never shared with you before. I am sharing them with you now so that you can understand why my appearance is now different.
My internal voice and vision of myself has always been male, something I never acknowledged to anyone, for reasons I still don't understand. Now I feel I can finally take ownership of that, bring it out into the open as part of the real me. Yes, I'm still me, but I feel more relaxed and comfortable now exploring and expressing some parts of me that didn't get much attention in past years.