This past week I was struggling with my gender dysphoria again.
It was a brutal!
I still have to stay stealthy male for very valid, personal reasons. Just accept that it is the right choice for me under the circumstances, but it does cause extreme distress periodically for me.
It happened again last week.
I got emotionally very dark. I stopped writing. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I viciously attacked the image I saw there. My thoughts were dominated by self-doubt and self-criticism. It was a full-blown gender dysphoria explosion.
It is miserable.
I sent an email to my therapist. I needed to share, and she has always been there for me. I told her I felt numb. I no longer felt like writing or corresponding with friends online. That night I just went to bed at 8 pm. I just wanted to shut down.
In the morning, she wrote back, "Are you still feeling numb this morning? It sounds like things feel pretty awful right now... numbness is very painful. That sounds really lonely."
I responded that I felt like I was alone in a crowd of people and she responded, "That's a particularly terrible form of loneliness."
I agreed.
I hate wallowing in misery and I hate drama, particularly my own. After that email exchange, I committed to do something to change my journey down a very dark hole. I needed to do something that was totally and selfishly for Emma, for me. I made an appointment to get my hair done...noticed I didn't say "hair cut". Guys do that and I am not a guy. I wanted to get my hair done! I wanted to be around women. I needed to be around women who knew me as me, as Emma, so I made my appointment for the next day.
I have been going to the same hair stylist for four years. I originally searched for a hair salon that was transgender-friendly. That was how I found Michelle and she has been great. She has been my confidant, my defender, and my friend. From the start, she shared that she had a transgender boyfriend and a transgender niece. Over the years, I got to know the other stylists who also became friends.
Before I walked into the appointment, I put on my makeup in the car. My clothes were androgynous enough, but I put on jewelry to change the look. I walked the block to the studio and walked in the door. I was greeted with a collective "Hi, Emma!".
I was home again.
As soon as I sat down in the chair, Michelle looked me in the eye and said "What's wrong?" She instinctively knew I was hurting. I told her that all I see is a guy with makeup. She immediately scolded me, "That's ridiculous! Every time you come in the other stylists always talk later about how cute you looked. Believe me, we can be very honest when we are alone in the back about the various customers we have. Trust me, we all agree that you are very cute and we love your smile. Stop being so silly. So how are we cutting your hair today?"
Instantaneously, the dark mood I had been carrying for over a week lifted. While she was trimming my hair, another stylist, who had given me makeup lessons two years earlier, came over and said "Emma, I love how your makeup looks! It looks better every time you come in." She then showed us a makeup tool she had discovered for doing eyeliner that she started using for brides' makeup. The conversation just flowed from there.
It was so natural, and it was perfect.
It is all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be one of the girls, not an outsider, not the "sensitive guy", not the transgender woman, just me.
I liked being Emma again. My smile came back.
