Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So... I have an old childhood friend who is visiting the country, and coming to my house to sleepover (most likely), problem is... we were friends during the part of my life that I tried to act super girly, faked interests in crappy music, watched shows I didn't like, and all that just to fit in. I always felt awful during those times (but ignored it). When I moved I started over and decided to be myself no matter what people's opinion was, but since I did that, when I've seen her, ugh... I just feel awful. Memories of the time I tried to be feminine creep up on me, and now I can remember how fake I felt. How I tried to "embrace" puberty. Ugh, just the thought makes me want to puke. I'm kind of glad I brainwashed myself through it, but... -shivers-

But this time it's going to be especially worse because I know I'm transgender. Before she used to complain how I'd changed, in her opinion, for the worse, and how I wasn't girly enough, and well, I just shrugged it off. But now I'm afraid she might say I look like a guy (and possibly try to get me to wear make up or a dress or something) and I might just explode. And I can't have her knowing, she would probably blurt it out, or not understand.

She's like 2 years younger than me and although I've matured, she hasn't. She's still the same person she was when I met her. Also our interests are so far apart, I don't know what we'll do for 24 hours. All the shows I like would probably either bore her or creep her out. And stuff she likes would drive me insane...

I was thinking of maybe taking her to the movies, but... I don't know what we could possibly agree on watching, and the mall would be a very bad idea. I'll finally have my binder this week, so I want to go to public places alone, to be myself, finally! And shop for clothes without having people (family/friends who don't know) look at me oddly. If I went with her, it would be a disaster, she would drag me, looking like a boy, into the girls section. Ugh...

And since she's sleeping over (against my will really) she might notice I have no chest (even if she wasn't sleeping over). That might be very awkward. And I don't think I could bear having my binder off once I get it. It might be a month before I stop wearing it daily.

Any advice? I really think I might explode. I can just imagine all the awfulness that's going to happen and my dysphoria going through the roof and me just wanting to kick her out of the house! And I can't not invite her. It would be really rude, and my mom isn't letting me get away with a lie. "She only comes once a year!" my mom says. Ugh, once a year, is too much. I want to stop being her friend, but I just don't know how, and my mom says it's a bad idea. That I should always have friends in far off places. (She's foreign)

Sorry for the length... I needed to let the frustration and anger out. Any advice would be appreciated.

This is my advice, for what it's worth.

Firstly, you should feel no more ashamed for what you use to be than you should feel ashamed because once you wore a diaper and had to be carried and fed. Everyone grows up.

Secondly, that you've changed, but not for the better? Get over it. The obvious response is, So have you!! But try, at least at first, to be freindly with it.

Thirdly, I suggest you welcome this girl. Be open and honest with her. Freindly, treating her like the old friend she is, worthy of you. If she acts like a jerk, then she has changed and it may be a good idea if she thought about finding another friend.

You mustn't let this girl or anyone else, bully you with guilt. If anyone tries to impose themselves upon you, to try to force you to live according to their ideals of what you should be then they need to grow up and learn some respect.

You have taken the first move by opening your home and your heart. If she lacks the honesty, integrity, decentcy and maturity to accept that, then she isn't your friend.

Push comes to shove...No matter what, it's pretty obvious that you "used to be" a girly girl, you're not really so much of a girl now, and...trying to ignore the difference of your girly girl mode and guy self would pretty much just not work...?
I guess you just have to be up-front honest with her.  If she needs more explanation give her more explanation.  Just....don't demonize her over being a girly girl person.  It's going to be pretty easy to end up doing that, but you have to remember that the way things were aren't really either of your faults.  You were trying to be someone you weren't because you thought it was your only good choice, and she thinks of you the way she does because a misinterpretation of who you are. D:

Good luck with this ^^

It sounds like she wants to be friends with a person who doesn't exist anymore. And trying to be that person for her will only make things worse for both of you. You'll end up hating her for making you try and be that person, and if you do try then she will never know any different, and continue to believe the person you were still exists.

Your mom might think it's a bad idea to stop being friends with her, but it's an equally bad idea to try and fit a mould for her that you just can't fit anymore. You're not the person she thinks you are and you owe it to yourself, and her, to set the record straight. It's no one's fault, you are who you are and she is who she is. If that compatibility isn't there anymore then it just isn't. The point of friendship is to be able to be yourself with your friend, whoever that may be. Playing a role and hating every minute of it is the very antithesis of what friendship is, or should be.

By the sounds of it, the connection you had is already lost, and you're only doing this to make your mom happy. If that's the case, tell your mom to go hang out with her instead. ;)

Quote from: spacial on June 29, 2011, 05:41:37 AM
This is my advice, for what it's worth.

Firstly, you should feel no more ashamed for what you use to be than you should feel ashamed because once you wore a diaper and had to be carried and fed. Everyone grows up.

I regret the period of time because it kept me from being myself, I didn't enjoy it. It's not the same as having worn a diaper, that was necessary.

Quote
Secondly, that you've changed, but not for the better? Get over it. The obvious response is, So have you!! But try, at least at first, to be freindly with it.

She hasn't changed... she's been the same person every year she's come to visit. Maybe a bit taller? But that's about it.

Quote
Thirdly, I suggest you welcome this girl. Be open and honest with her. Freindly, treating her like the old friend she is, worthy of you. If she acts like a jerk, then she has changed and it may be a good idea if she thought about finding another friend.

Yeah, problem is, I don't think I made this obvious. She made friends with a fake version of me... and I knew I was just trying to get a friend at the time, anyone! And she wasn't too bad. But once I shed my shell, and came out of my stupid daze, she noticed, and she didn't like it. It's not that she acts like a jerk, she just doesn't understand how I could change. It borders on jerk, but isn't. And I can't be honest about her about anything that I feel.

QuoteYou mustn't let this girl or anyone else, bully you with guilt. If anyone tries to impose themselves upon you, to try to force you to live according to their ideals of what you should be then they need to grow up and learn some respect.

I won't feel guilty (which in turn will make me act rude, like I should to people I don't care to see), but I can't act rude because of the whole mom issue.

QuoteYou have taken the first move by opening your home and your heart. If she lacks the honesty, integrity, decentcy and maturity to accept that, then she isn't your friend.

I'm already sure she isn't my friend... I just can't end it.

Sigh...it's a complicated situation. If it wasn't for my mom I wouldn't even have answered her emails. I think I'm going to get out the game boards and we can just play board games or I can let her play video games or something. Something were we won't have to talk to much.

Quote from: Sabriel Facrin on June 29, 2011, 11:20:30 AM
Push comes to shove...No matter what, it's pretty obvious that you "used to be" a girly girl, you're not really so much of a girl now, and...trying to ignore the difference of your girly girl mode and guy self would pretty much just not work...?
I guess you just have to be up-front honest with her.  If she needs more explanation give her more explanation.  Just....don't demonize her over being a girly girl person.  It's going to be pretty easy to end up doing that, but you have to remember that the way things were aren't really either of your faults.  You were trying to be someone you weren't because you thought it was your only good choice, and she thinks of you the way she does because a misinterpretation of who you are. D:

Good luck with this ^^

Well I don't demonize her for being a girly girl, I mean I still have one or two female friends, one is even a cheerleader, but they don't impose their stuff onto me. And they are mature. When I met her, her behavior was age appropriate, but she still acts the same, that's what I really dislike.  Mmm, but yeah, it wasn't our fault, I'm just either going to try to show her the real me and if that doesn't work for one of us, we'll just do stuff where talking isn't necessary.

Quote from: Sephirah on June 29, 2011, 11:37:35 AM
It sounds like she wants to be friends with a person who doesn't exist anymore. And trying to be that person for her will only make things worse for both of you. You'll end up hating her for making you try and be that person, and if you do try then she will never know any different, and continue to believe the person you were still exists.

Your mom might think it's a bad idea to stop being friends with her, but it's an equally bad idea to try and fit a mould for her that you just can't fit anymore. You're not the person she thinks you are and you owe it to yourself, and her, to set the record straight. It's no one's fault, you are who you are and she is who she is. If that compatibility isn't there anymore then it just isn't. The point of friendship is to be able to be yourself with your friend, whoever that may be. Playing a role and hating every minute of it is the very antithesis of what friendship is, or should be.

By the sounds of it, the connection you had is already lost, and you're only doing this to make your mom happy. If that's the case, tell your mom to go hang out with her instead. ;)

I know! I should just send them to the mall together. You understood perfectly :) It's just I'm not allowed to end the friendship.... I'll try to show her the real me, get her to accept it, but if it doesn't work, it's on to activities that will keep us from talking, and I'm going to beg my mom to lie and tell the girl she can't sleep over because of... whatever. My mom has her phone number, and my "friend" has hers, because I didn't have a phone when we met last, else I would have not invited her. :(

Well, if she's 'imposing her stuff onto you' (i.e. demanding that you act a certain way), then of course you have the right to rebel against it. You'd have that right even if she was demanding that you act masculine; people should be able to have some measure of individuality, and not have every parameter of their personality and expression dictated to them.

It seems that she has a faulty vision of who you are. She seems fairly attached to it, so it'll be difficult to change all at once (especially given that it's such a drastic change). That doesn't mean that you should give up easily, though. Try to keep it as low-key as you can, because getting confrontational will not feel that great for either of you.

This actually strikes me as quite similar to a 'coming out to parent/friend' situation (I guess because it kind of is ^_^). We've got a section on that around here somewhere; maybe it'll help you a bit to read through a few threads there, get some ideas...

The basic premise is that you're not actually a 'girly girl', that was a facade. The real you is different from that. That's really all she needs to know, I think. If she's persistently unreasonable and flat-out refuses to deal, despite numerous attempts to explain, then maybe you should end it. Be sure to tell her (and your mother) why, though.

Yeah, it sort of is like coming out, except I'm not coming out to her. I'll check out the threads.

It is partly my fault that she got attached to the fake me, but at the same time, I think she should understand people change, so even if that part of my life had been genuine I still have the right to change. If she refuses to be respectful I think my mom will understand after she's seen the behavior that we just can't be friends. My mother pointed out that this visit is supposed to be the final time we saw each other, before I move to a different country next year, but since she decided to move to the US permanently, she might bug me to invite her over again, and I'm drawing the line if she doesn't accept me this coming visit.