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Title: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 06:48:48 PM
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 06:48:48 PM
...I suck at introductions; please bear with me. Needless to say I am very nervous.
The name given to me at birth is Shelbi.
So yeah, I was born a girl.
I've always been a bit of a tomboy and didn't identify myself with other girls at a young age. In my mind, I was just one of the boys: I played with bugs, thought armpit farts were hilarious, didn't like to wear dresses, the whole nine yards. I was told I couldn't be Peter Pan in the school play because I was a girl. :-\
Since I was pretty much forced to be a girl since day one, I've come to terms with my femininity, and it took years, but I finally accepted it as part of my personal identity. But something was still missing. I wasn't like all the other girls. In novels and movies I identified more with male characters, and liked to wear masculine clothing. In relationships with friends and with boyfriends, I was dominant and protective of my SO, something that confused a lot of the people I was around. Yeah, sometimes I'd feel girly, but it was only part of the time, not 24/7. What was wrong with me?
I'm at a crossroads in my life, and I'm very confused and afraid. I no longer know what I am on the inside, or what I should do. ???
To cope with this issue, I've started hiding my breasts, changing my voice and wearing distinctly male attire, while going by a different name. I can only do this outside of the home, because I still live with my parents, and I can never tell them simply because they would never understand. My friends have been very helpful and supportive, and if not for them, I'd be even worse off than I already am.
In my head I am neither consistently female or male, but traverse between the two at will. I don't consider myself in between, just...both. I've heard this described as 'two-spirited.' This sounds accurate, but I'm still not sure if this is me. In my mind I am both Shelbi, and Sage. Because I internally identify as both, I don't feel that surgery is the answer.
My fiance, who is male, is having a hard time coping with this transformation I'm going through. He loves and wants to marry Shelbi, but he feels like Sage is a stranger, even though Sage has been there all along and couldn't ever express himself. He loves and supports me, and he assures me that he'll be okay with it, he simply needs time. I believe him, but sometimes I still worry.
My fiance also worries that this transformation is simply a way to avoid dealing with other issues I'm having. I was sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend three years ago, and am still having a hard time dealing with it. But Sage is not a byproduct of the abuse, nor is he a means of escaping my past, because Sage has always been there, long before that abusive person ever came into my life.
I am Sage, the same as I am Shelbi.
...whew...I needed to get that off my chest. :(
The name given to me at birth is Shelbi.
So yeah, I was born a girl.
I've always been a bit of a tomboy and didn't identify myself with other girls at a young age. In my mind, I was just one of the boys: I played with bugs, thought armpit farts were hilarious, didn't like to wear dresses, the whole nine yards. I was told I couldn't be Peter Pan in the school play because I was a girl. :-\
Since I was pretty much forced to be a girl since day one, I've come to terms with my femininity, and it took years, but I finally accepted it as part of my personal identity. But something was still missing. I wasn't like all the other girls. In novels and movies I identified more with male characters, and liked to wear masculine clothing. In relationships with friends and with boyfriends, I was dominant and protective of my SO, something that confused a lot of the people I was around. Yeah, sometimes I'd feel girly, but it was only part of the time, not 24/7. What was wrong with me?
I'm at a crossroads in my life, and I'm very confused and afraid. I no longer know what I am on the inside, or what I should do. ???
To cope with this issue, I've started hiding my breasts, changing my voice and wearing distinctly male attire, while going by a different name. I can only do this outside of the home, because I still live with my parents, and I can never tell them simply because they would never understand. My friends have been very helpful and supportive, and if not for them, I'd be even worse off than I already am.
In my head I am neither consistently female or male, but traverse between the two at will. I don't consider myself in between, just...both. I've heard this described as 'two-spirited.' This sounds accurate, but I'm still not sure if this is me. In my mind I am both Shelbi, and Sage. Because I internally identify as both, I don't feel that surgery is the answer.
My fiance, who is male, is having a hard time coping with this transformation I'm going through. He loves and wants to marry Shelbi, but he feels like Sage is a stranger, even though Sage has been there all along and couldn't ever express himself. He loves and supports me, and he assures me that he'll be okay with it, he simply needs time. I believe him, but sometimes I still worry.
My fiance also worries that this transformation is simply a way to avoid dealing with other issues I'm having. I was sexually abused by an ex-boyfriend three years ago, and am still having a hard time dealing with it. But Sage is not a byproduct of the abuse, nor is he a means of escaping my past, because Sage has always been there, long before that abusive person ever came into my life.
I am Sage, the same as I am Shelbi.
...whew...I needed to get that off my chest. :(
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Silas on July 14, 2011, 07:19:22 PM
Post by: Silas on July 14, 2011, 07:19:22 PM
Hello and welcome, Sage. I hope you come to more peace with yourself over time.~
I thought Peter Pan was a role generally given to female- and male-bodied people. Mostly the former, I've seen, so that was kinda rude of them (at the church I used to go to, they'd modify play roles based on the sex of whoever wanted the role). But the past is the past, I suppose. Hopefully, if and when it ever comes to it, your parents are accepting, and your fiance more understanding.
I thought Peter Pan was a role generally given to female- and male-bodied people. Mostly the former, I've seen, so that was kinda rude of them (at the church I used to go to, they'd modify play roles based on the sex of whoever wanted the role). But the past is the past, I suppose. Hopefully, if and when it ever comes to it, your parents are accepting, and your fiance more understanding.
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 07:26:37 PM
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 07:26:37 PM
Thanks. My fiance really is a sweetheart, and I know he'll be okay. Like me, he needs time to adjust and come to an understanding. :)
And Peter Pan is one of my all-time favorite fictional characters.~ ;D
And Peter Pan is one of my all-time favorite fictional characters.~ ;D
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: ninjaboi on July 14, 2011, 07:42:43 PM
Post by: ninjaboi on July 14, 2011, 07:42:43 PM
Good luck with your discoveries. Its good that you have a partner who knows and is supporting you all he can. Its helped me 100 percent having a supportive partner. My partner Ids as a lesbian. And here she is married to me, who want to be a he! (i havent had any ops, Im still female apart from in mind and body). But having her support these past few years while i have been discovering the real me, its been essential. Anyway, i wish you all the best.
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 07:54:21 PM
Post by: Sage on July 14, 2011, 07:54:21 PM
Thanks. I'll definitely need all the luck I can get. :D
And it's really cool that you have spousal support also. :)
As for me, Sage is very nervous around girls, especially pretty ones. :laugh: C'est la vie.
And it's really cool that you have spousal support also. :)
As for me, Sage is very nervous around girls, especially pretty ones. :laugh: C'est la vie.
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Silas on July 15, 2011, 12:47:19 AM
Post by: Silas on July 15, 2011, 12:47:19 AM
That's fantastic ;D Here's to a long life with each other, haa.
Peter Pan's epic. ♥
Peter Pan's epic. ♥
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: sunny-side on July 15, 2011, 01:05:40 AM
Post by: sunny-side on July 15, 2011, 01:05:40 AM
Hi Sage, I'm Sunny. *waves*
I can sort of relate. My story reads somewhat similarly. I hope your fiance comes around too!
And I thought the same thing about Peter Pan as some of the others did! That role gets filled by female actors sometimes too, I don't see the issue with it. Honestly, Peter is freakin' awesome, who wouldn't want to be able to fly and stay a kid forever?
I can sort of relate. My story reads somewhat similarly. I hope your fiance comes around too!
And I thought the same thing about Peter Pan as some of the others did! That role gets filled by female actors sometimes too, I don't see the issue with it. Honestly, Peter is freakin' awesome, who wouldn't want to be able to fly and stay a kid forever?
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 15, 2011, 12:06:43 PM
Post by: Sage on July 15, 2011, 12:06:43 PM
Quote from: sunny-side on July 15, 2011, 01:05:40 AM
Honestly, Peter is freakin' awesome, who wouldn't want to be able to fly and stay a kid forever?
Ooh! I know I do! :laugh:
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Randi on July 15, 2011, 12:22:12 PM
Post by: Randi on July 15, 2011, 12:22:12 PM
Hi Sage and Welcome!
Randi
Randi
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 15, 2011, 12:34:37 PM
Post by: Sage on July 15, 2011, 12:34:37 PM
Hi! ;D
I was really scared to go on this site, which was recommended to me by a friend of mine who is MtF, but now that I'm on here, swimming with other fish like me, it's not quite as scary.
She's been a great help in all this, too. It means a lot that sometimes she puts aside her own great personal battle to help me with mine. I couldn't thank her enough for it. :P
I was really scared to go on this site, which was recommended to me by a friend of mine who is MtF, but now that I'm on here, swimming with other fish like me, it's not quite as scary.
She's been a great help in all this, too. It means a lot that sometimes she puts aside her own great personal battle to help me with mine. I couldn't thank her enough for it. :P
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: fullbrief1 on July 15, 2011, 02:54:23 PM
Post by: fullbrief1 on July 15, 2011, 02:54:23 PM
Hi Sage, I too am here and I am feeling better already. It is good to be understood and supported too.
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Lilly_Mossiano on July 15, 2011, 03:07:26 PM
Post by: Lilly_Mossiano on July 15, 2011, 03:07:26 PM
Quote from: Sage on July 15, 2011, 12:34:37 PM
Hi! ;D
I was really scared to go on this site, which was recommended to me by a friend of mine who is MtF, but now that I'm on here, swimming with other fish like me, it's not quite as scary.
She's been a great help in all this, too. It means a lot that sometimes she puts aside her own great personal battle to help me with mine. I couldn't thank her enough for it. :P
You know I am here for you no matter what hun, I am glad you have found some form of assistance here
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 15, 2011, 11:12:28 PM
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 15, 2011, 11:12:28 PM
Hi Sage!
Your story sounds kinda familiar. ;) I hope you find what you need here. Let me know if you wanna chat anytime.
Your story sounds kinda familiar. ;) I hope you find what you need here. Let me know if you wanna chat anytime.
Title: Re: ...hi.
Post by: Sage on July 16, 2011, 09:56:37 AM
Post by: Sage on July 16, 2011, 09:56:37 AM
Quote from: Ceridwynn on July 15, 2011, 03:07:26 PM
You know I am here for you no matter what hun, I am glad you have found some form of assistance here
Hi! :laugh: This place is awesome. Recommending me here was probably the best thing you could have ever done for me. Thanks so much. :)
Quote from: Wolfsnake on July 15, 2011, 11:12:28 PM
Let me know if you wanna chat anytime.
I'd love to. :D That would be really cool, actually. It's embarrassing for me being so shy, though. :P