Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Does anybody else have days were you think to yourself, maybe you could live as a man?
Sometimes, I get these thoughts and I think transition is going to be so much effort and so much pain that it will not be worth it in the end.

I don't know what brings on these thoughts, I'm so unhappy with how I am now and these thoughts really only come maybe once a month and are gorne with in like 10mins. I'm so confused.... :S

Has anybody else has this?

Honey, the simple answer is: YES!

And it can be unsettling when we go through these notions. Why? Hormones, just a mood, leftover male realism? No idea.

Yet, if all is said and done I still know: I am who I am, and it happens to be a female (in my head) and not a male.

To consider de-transition would be a big mistake, that is something I know --- it spells suicide, and not just for me. That's the challenge we are faced with.

WHO SAID IT WAS EASY?!

Hang in there, we all have to, it's no cake walk.
Hug,
Axelle
PS: Let the body lead, and the mind will follow... interesting thought about RLE, HRT and GRS?

Thanks for the fast reply :)

I'm hopfully going to get a GP to refer to me to a Gender Clinic this week :) If I can get the courage to even come out to a GP  :-X

I really want to start HRT as soon as I could, I think it would just help with my overall mindset.

Times I feel this way are usually preceded by reminders of how much about just living I have to relearn. I mean, you sit down and listen to one of those guides that goes on and on about how you need to learn to turn your head, raise a glass of water to drink it, to pick up a fork, to put sunglasses on, to tie your shoes, to open a door, to blink, stare, glare, leer, look. It makes you think you can't even lie down and nap on a couch correctly, and sickeningly enough it sometimes does a damn good job convincing me so. More time that not I only slip into such quandaries when I'm away from people for a spell. When I'm around my friends all doubt in the world fades away. It's certainly something when someone you've known half your life comes straight out and says, "You know, when you're in girl mode you always seem like 200% happier than you normally do." And I've never exactly been a sour apple. :angel:

The other thing that really games me is when I google "Kim Petras" and get all rage face. Really grinds my gears knowing how I feel about myself is something I uncovered when I was six. Stupid six year old self. Why didn't you tell someone the horrible mistake the Stork made. Grrrraaagghg! On the bright side, at least I don't have to .. pretend... to ... er.. know what I'm doing? Crap. I've clearly not thought this one through. :-*

Quote from: Axelle on July 17, 2011, 02:45:59 AMPS: Let the body lead, and the mind will follow... interesting thought about RLE, HRT and GRS?

I don't mean to sound rude, but doesn't this sort of run counter to the entire reason one transitions? I mean, if changing your body is what is going to make you want to be... It's just always seemed to me that the body is following the mind. I'm not changing the who, the mind, the person. I'm changing the what, the body, the vessel. Sorry to tread on your statement in such an unrelated place, it's something I've always felt rather strongly about.

I sometimes have doubts, like anyone embarking on something new and unknown. 

They seem to mainly occur when I see myself in a mirror without my hairpiece, and the Male Pattern Baldness is apparent.  I remedy it by either not looking longer than I have to, or putting my hairpiece back on!

There is no way I could live as a man again though.  My mindset is now firmly anchored as female. The feeling of Dysphoria would be overwhelming, as I feel I have forgotten how to actually do it. I wouldn't be able to come out from under the bed covers.

Karen.

Yea, I do have periods where I can think I can be a man... They typically last not too long, though I did have a period recently that lasted 15 days, and then it is like.... What am I am doing? I have this realization that what I am doing is not true to my self.  And then, so begins a couple months of misery dysphoria.  I honestly wish that I could live in that small period where I am convinced I am male; just to feel dysphoryouls.  But to no avail, dysphoria rushes back.  The fluctuation in feelings is rough for sure.  You are not alone, but do what you feel is right for you!

*... it's something I've always felt rather strongly about.*

Whitney :-)
go walk about in male-mode and experience your GID for ever, or change your body and GID will go away, i.e. the mind will follow...

Ever thought of it that way?

Also: "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

Food for though?

Axelle

Quote from: Axelle on July 17, 2011, 03:19:02 AM
*... it's something I've always felt rather strongly about.*

Whitney :-)
go walk about in male-mode and experience your GID for ever, or change your body and GID will go away, i.e. the mind will follow...

Ever thought of it that way?

Also: "We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are."

Food for though?

Axelle

Precisely how I see it.

Brittany, I'm sure everyone has their bouts pre and prior transition. But, think of it this way, and I know it's a scary thought, the dysphoria never goes away. However, there are different ways to deal with it. Whether it's by hormones, dressing, or SRS, you'll have to discover for yourself. Speaking to a therapist is definitely a necessity though to figuring out what to do next. It's good that you're researching now, because even if you find a way to ease the anxiety momentarily, gender dysphoria will always return. And, a good therapist will help to relieve the anxiety and give reasoning to why you feel the way you do.

Good luck!

Quote from: Brittany:) on July 17, 2011, 02:33:05 AM
Does anybody else have days were you think to yourself, maybe you could live as a man?
Sometimes, I get these thoughts and I think transition is going to be so much effort and so much pain that it will not be worth it in the end.

I don't know what brings on these thoughts, I'm so unhappy with how I am now and these thoughts really only come maybe once a month and are gorne with in like 10mins. I'm so confused.... :S

Has anybody else has this?

The only way I could ever live as a man would be if I looked fem and still had long hair like I did before. I've never had the ability to try and look like a short haired suit wearing male. I know some have managed to do that for a large part of their lives and some even joined the army, get married, have kids and live in denial but I could never do that. My life wasn't like that at all. I wasn't able to adapt to being a male when I was younger, so I always tried to be more true to myself.  Years before transition I was often perceived as female, so for me it was a natural progression.

Quote from: Brittany:) on July 17, 2011, 02:33:05 AM
Does anybody else have days were you think to yourself, maybe you could live as a man?
Sometimes, I get these thoughts and I think transition is going to be so much effort and so much pain that it will not be worth it in the end.

I don't know what brings on these thoughts, I'm so unhappy with how I am now and these thoughts really only come maybe once a month and are gorne with in like 10mins. I'm so confused.... :S

Has anybody else has this?

Hey i tried with all my heart and soul to be a boy to be a man to deny myself so when a fight broke out i was in it etc but well this boy i had created had 1 huge flaw me. I simply cried when a boy hit me when i was insulted enough, sure i faked a goood game but i wasnt able to match real boys. from age 11 to 15 i did every single sport a boy could do and well nothing worked but i still tried to deny myself. When my body started to become more diff to girls i had it and stopped sports but still kept up the act. I mean i can remember the only reason i didnt try to be a girl was my parents wouldnt let me and so i faked being a boy to please them. I mean how cant we have doubt when our families and society throw comments like boys dont cry so when i did and i always cry a lot and i would then be punished ??? ??? ??? The simple fact if you never had those feelings sweetie then you are a lucky one because society didnt shot you down at every corner and every stop you made.

The key to being a happpy girl for me is leave boys alone but thats just me  :D :D :D dont worry about your feelings of uncertainty we all have it even though we may not notice it at times.

no, no doubts....If I wasnt accepted as the woman I am or had problems with passing, then maybe but otherwise no

my only doubts is passing.
I think if I try to continue to live as a man I will never be happy.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes it seems like transitioning is a harder obstacle than mt everest, but in time, I believe I will be happy with where I wind up.

Its good to question yourself, especially when you make serious life impacting decisions.  Transitioning is definetley something you want to be sure of.

Quote from: jillian on July 17, 2011, 07:41:30 AM
my only doubts is passing.
I think if I try to continue to live as a man I will never be happy.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes it seems like transitioning is a harder obstacle than mt everest, but in time, I believe I will be happy with where I wind up.

Its good to question yourself, especially when you make serious life impacting decisions.  Transitioning is definetley something you want to be sure of.

I agree passing and expenses are my doubts

Of course. I always doubt. And every time I doubt, I sit and think about the consequences of not transitioning, shiver, and get back up more convinced than ever before.

Yes, as A put it: The consequences need to be looked at!

For me it's to transition or jump in the lake (and stay under) --- so I transition!

Thank you so much :-)
Axelle

PS: Zoey, nothing is perfect, or even WHAT IS perfect?
PPS: We are our worst critics in any case. Do not think about FFS, just find a good therapist and take a step at the time. 1 year RLE and HRT from an insightful GP will take you just fine along this tricky road. Walk, don't run!

The only time I doubted was right before I came out to everyone, and it wasn't because I was afraid to transition, but because I was afraid of others' reactions.  Turns out I didn't lose a single family member that I cared about and I didn't lose a single friend either (in fact, I gained two new best friends and strengthened my relationships with my old ones).

If I had to go back to living as that boy, I don't know if there's a hospital in the world that could keep me alive.  My final choice to transition literally came down to whether I was going to let anorexia kill me (5'11" and 100 pounds at the time) or become the woman I knew I was.  That was almost exactly two years ago, and now that I've been full time for four months, gained 40 pounds, and am healthy and happy, I would never give this up and I would never doubt.  I already have an entire lifetime of doubts to contend with, the last thing I need is to continue doubting the very core of my physical being.

When I first started going out in public, there was fear, but no hesitation that I had made the right choice.  Since hormones are sorting my body out, I've done nothing but gain confidence and strength, so why would I want to be the timid boy ever again?  There are far too many moments where I'm walking around in a tanktop, short shorts, cute sandals, hair tied up, and I'm with friends and laughing as I've never laughed in my entire life.  I feel, I love, I care, I live a life that I thought only other people experienced.  Before transition, I was hollow and miserable, and nothing got through to me.  There's no other way of putting it: transition saved my life.  That's something I will never doubt.

I had plenty of doubts before transition but have never doubted myself since. There is no way I can imagine myself still being able to pretent to be a man.

My comments are from the perspective of someone who has not transitioned yet, but is preparing to do so.  Usually, the more I learn about myself and the transition process, the more confident I am that this is for me and it will allow me to finally be myself.  However, there are times (usually when I'm tired or stressed) that I think it is just to difficult and though I don't want to keep living in boy mode, the whole transition process just seems overwhelming.  I don't really have feelings that I want to keep living as a man, though there are times when the reality of how different men and women are treated really hits home (especially in Latino culture where there is still a giant gender role divide). 

Yet, I think it is normal for anyone to have occasional doubts.

The answer for me is simply yes.  But then I think about going back to being a man, and growing old as a man and I know this is who I have to be.

In time when hormones and FFS have helped me to look like the girl I feel like, I know I'll have no doubts.  Until then I have to walk around feeling conspicuous, and at worst, a bit of a freak.

I can't wait for that day.

Siobhan.

Never any doubts. I don't doubt anything I've done with my transition and I don't think I'll doubt anything in the future.

However I have had fears. Fears of being stopped half way through my transition, fears of complication for my future SRS, etc. These fears have made me wonder if what I am doing is the best path, knowing the stress I may have to endure. They don't last very long because I always come back with, "You have no other choice, do or die."

So no, never any doubts.

Thanks everyone :) Your posts were very helpful.

Quote from: A on July 17, 2011, 08:21:25 AM
Of course. I always doubt. And every time I doubt, I sit and think about the consequences of not transitioning, shiver, and get back up more convinced than ever before.

That kind of really explains what I feel. I'm not sure what it is, I think I am more fearful then doubtful now that I have thought about it all.

Even with the predicable fears and stresses of transition my life is significantly improved from what it was just year ago. The crushing weight of constant depression, anxiety and just wishing to be dead is not with me anymore. I still experience depression, anxiety and have my emotional moments (I do cray a lot!)  but  those things are more situational now then  chronic and constant like they used to be. The change came from what I did - HRT and coming out and living my life more the way I want to, as the person I want to. Sometimes I am feeling so much better I wonder why am I doing this? It know longer feels like something I am desperately pressed to do. And that can be confusing to me. But I know I am not a man and can never live that life, I never want to go back to that. Never. I don't want to go back to that fight again. Even if I end here, somewhere in between, it is a great improvement that I would not risk losing.

Yes I have.
I have doubted and questioned.
It's something I "do", it's my nature.
I've feared and faltered too, as I'm also quite anxious by nature.

It's healthy, I think, to doubt and question, to examine oneself repeatedly, oneself and one's motives.
It's lead me to do only the things I wanted, as I wanted them.
I took the path which was exactly "right" for me because I examined every step before me and knew exactly where it lead.

As such, this doubt, it's done me good.
I'm happy today, which still feels a little odd to say.
I'm genuinely happy.

I do have doubts but they are getting less bothersome. I guess that's progress. I have two fears that fuel my doubts.  A big one is whether I will be able to pass with HRT. I'm afraid I will get stuck somewhere in between and be rejected by all. The other is the reactions of others, most importantly family. I have two grown daughters, a grandson and a wife I love dearly. She has four if her own grown kids who are all great, and four grandchildren.  I know that these doubts have inhibited me so far but now I am in pre HRT counseling and I'm starting to get beyond them.  You only get one chance at life. I don't want to hurt anyone else but I've denied myself too long. Is it selfish to think of me now?   Rachael 

Quote from: Rachael Michelle on July 18, 2011, 05:54:33 PM
I do have doubts but they are getting less bothersome. I guess that's progress. I have two fears that fuel my doubts.  A big one is whether I will be able to pass with HRT. I'm afraid I will get stuck somewhere in between and be rejected by all. The other is the reactions of others, most importantly family. I have two grown daughters, a grandson and a wife I love dearly. She has four if her own grown kids who are all great, and four grandchildren.  I know that these doubts have inhibited me so far but now I am in pre HRT counseling and I'm starting to get beyond them.  You only get one chance at life. I don't want to hurt anyone else but I've denied myself too long. Is it selfish to think of me now?   Rachael 

I kinda feel where you're coming from, not wanting to be selfish and possibly end up hurting those close to you. That's one of the big reasons I haven't pursued transitioning just yet. I wish I could help, but all I can say is, just do what you want to do, family should be there to love you for who you are, I would think they would support you.

Yes, I do have doubts, all the time. Half of the time I have these strong urges to go through with it, and I feel I would be happier as a woman. Then I get to thinking if it's the right path for me, or if I'm just feeling this way because I haven't had a girlfriend. I know I should see a therapist, but I can see them asking if I've ever been in a relationship, and when I tell them no, they'll probably just tell me to try that out first, since I'm having doubts. So for now, I'm kinda being my own psychologist. Sorry, I kinda went off topic. Anyways, half the time I'm sure, and the other half I have doubts. It's really bothersome. I think it is normal to have doubts though (as one member told me before), you just have to follow your heart, do what you believe is best.