Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am away from home alot and you could almost say that we don't live together becasue I am usually ony home on weekends but sometimes not even then. I didn't go home this weekend because I was exhausted from a long week and I just couldn't bear the idea of driving 300 miles after getting off work at 5:30pm then driving back sunday night.

So, yesterday I was talking to her on video chat and she said something about her not having any make-up on becasue she hasn't left the house today and I joked that I didn't have any make-up on either. She laughed and said, "I hope not. You would look rediculous."  I joked back and said, "how do you know? I might look pretty good."  She said, "I don't think so. Some guys can pull it of but you are too masculine and don't have a single feminine feature and you would just look like a man in make-up!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud and asking her who she has been looking at for the last 20 years. It made me sad though because it means that she is going to be so blind sided when I tell her what's going on. It would be alot easier, I think, if she saw this in me but I think she is totally blind to it. I have to admit, it also kinda got me down hearing someone say that but she kinda meant it as a compliment, I guess. My friends that know what is going on are just blown away that she can't see the changes of the last 7 1/2 months and that she isn't asking serious questions. Either she is in total denial or I am but I think it is her. BTW, my avatar pic is a genuine pic of me with no makeup except on the lips and it was taken last week.

Oh dear.  It sounds like she is in total denial. I really don't know what to suggest other than joint sessions with a Gender Therapist to get past it.  That isn't going to be pleasant either,once the other shoe drops, by the sound of it.

Karen.

i think its just denile hey because your face says girl not boy and she most probably has noticed  the change but refuses to accept it because she could be scared she will lose you

ps: your beautiful  :D :D

I wouldn't put much stock in what she said. I used to have similar "joke" conversations with my ex and she would say things like I would make a terrible looking girl. However, once I was out to her she would say I would pass quite easily and I've been told I'm cute.  Yes, she is most likely in denial, but that won't last forever.

Not good.
A serious case of denial.
If she can not see the female traits and she has not noticed the changes then she is desperate to keep a male image of you in her mind. I am left wondering if she is pasteing an image of you as she see's you over the actual images her eyes are processing.
When you come out do it in a semi public area. She is going to flip out hard.

jmho

Quote from: cynthialee on July 18, 2011, 09:30:02 AM
Not good. A serious case of denial.
If she can not see the female traits and she has not noticed the changes then she is desperate to keep a male image of you in her mind. I am left wondering if she is pasteing an image of you as she see's you over the actual images her eyes are processing.
When you come out do it in a semi public area. She is going to flip out hard.jmho

Yes, she is going to flip. She is a hard person to talk to so I have always had a hard time really opening up to her which is sad after 19 years of marriage. I don't think she will turn violent or anything but she will have trouble processing this.

Quote from: LilKittyCatZoey on July 18, 2011, 09:05:25 AM
i think its just denile hey because your face says girl not boy and she most probably has noticed  the change but refuses to accept it because she could be scared she will lose you

ps: your beautiful  :D :D

Thank, that is very sweet of you!   :)

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. Thinking of your wife.

I had/have close friends that were really and truly just blind to who I am. It's a sort of tunnel vision they suffer - and it happens a lot!

Once you come out, they tend to drop from one dizzy height and very much dislike you for destroying THEIR image of  you.
Usually more pronounced inside the family circle.

In my experience it takes the better part of a year for them to find some acceptance, in some cases they just refuse.

Been there, got the cap.... welcome to the creed.

Axelle

Quote from: Axélle on July 18, 2011, 09:49:55 AM
Once you come out, they tend to drop from one dizzy height and very much dislike you for destroying THEIR image of  you.
Usually more pronounced inside the family circle.

In my experience it takes the better part of a year for them to find some acceptance, in some cases they just refuse.

This has absolutely been my experience. It was a full year before my wife started to accept it and she still struggles. She even knew I cross dressed when we first met.

Good luck when you do decide to tell her.

By the way, I don't see a guy at all in your avatar, totally female.

.........LOL
Jessica and I are BFF and talk all the time. From the first time she came to visit me I had people asking my wife, "What's the deal with him" (insert boy name)
....... It seems like whenever I am with her I end up getting outed too.... lol
Even my gay cousin who active in the community was shocked when I outed myself to him as TS but if I stand next to Jessica......
It was funny because the day Jessica took the pict on the avatar I was on video chat with her and pulled out my cell phone and changed her name from "Boy Name" to "Jessica" .........
So either your wife is trying to convince herself there are really "no monsters in the closet" or .........
-M

Jessica,

Exactly how dark are those sunglasses she wear constantly?  Must be very very black.  If she can not see changes she is only lieing to herself.

My Ex hates to be around me.  It comes from a comment she made a long time ago.  "You would make an ugly woman."  But an ugly woman than a good looking man, I say.

But you have no problem there. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)  How is work taking the changes? (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)

Like I have told you before, you are not far from RLE. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-4.gif&hash=34a3e40b48ee901ac7f4a696a28192c1777cff6e)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)

Quote from: melissa42013 on July 18, 2011, 10:41:00 AM

Jessica and I are BFF and talk all the time. From the first time she came to visit me I had people asking my wife, "What's the deal with him" (insert boy name)
....... It seems like whenever I am with her I end up getting outed too.... lol
Even my gay cousin who active in the community was shocked when I outed myself to him as TS but if I stand next to Jessica......
It was funny because the day Jessica took the pict on the avatar I was on video chat with her and pulled out my cell phone and changed her name from "Boy Name" to "Jessica" .........
So either your wife is trying to convince herself there are really "no monsters in the closet" or .........
-M

LOL, the funniest thing was when your neighbors came over for dinner and we didn't know that your wife had outed us both to them and we were making subtle trans jokes that no one would pick up on but THEY did! lol  Then your wife let me think I got you outed to the neighbors til she came clean about telling them. I was a little upset that she did that and let me think that but I got over it quick. She is hard to stay mad at...lol.

Quote from: Irish Janet on July 18, 2011, 10:49:02 AM
Jessica,

Exactly how dark are those sunglasses she wear constantly?  Must be very very black.  If she can not see changes she is only lieing to herself.

My Ex hates to be around me.  It comes from a comment she made a long time ago.  "You would make an ugly woman."  But an ugly woman than a good looking man, I say.

But you have no problem there. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)  How is work taking the changes? (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-9.gif&hash=42bd2ee88d4ddc91007b3b25799f543e9ee358f1)

Like I have told you before, you are not far from RLE. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-4.gif&hash=34a3e40b48ee901ac7f4a696a28192c1777cff6e)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)

Aww..., thanks! I do still have a ways from full time but I'm not going to rush it and make it difficult. I need a lot more work on my voice and still have way too much muscle bulk to look convincing. As far as work goes, I don't think they know what to think. They are thrown off by my longer hair and I'm surprised my boss hasn't asked when I was getting a haircut.

It seems that some of the blue collar employees (redneck guys in the shop) sense something more and probably think I'm going gay or something. There have been a few jokes said out loud but so far I just laugh and say "f*** you, jackass" and play it off.

One thing I have noticed about myself is I find myself avoiding people all together. Especially, people I know or those from the past. I was in Sams Club the other day and saw a man that used to be a father figure to me. A year ago, I would have went right up and started talking and we probably would have exchanged a hug but I played like I didn't see him and walked on by. I don't know if he saw me but I left the store and didn't look back. I'm actually thinking about slowly culling most of my Facebook friends from "his" site. Most are peole I don't really care to see again anyways.

Remember, if you blind-side her one day and just up and out with all of this, don't be surprised when she blind-sides you with the best divorce lawyer you've ever seen and you'll be lucky to walk away with the clothes on your back.

Quote from: tekla on July 18, 2011, 11:28:14 AM
Remember, if you blind-side her one day and just up and out with all of this, don't be surprised when she blind-sides you with the best divorce lawyer you've ever seen and you'll be lucky to walk away with the clothes on your back.

Telka makes a true and sad point Jessica you got to consider that

When you up and run off with 'the other woman' the one you leave behind gets everything.  Even when you're the other other women.  Maybe particularly in that case.

But we all know there is a chance you to can remain married but i think that needs well time and no giant shock when she discovers you wear a bra. I mean life isnt always unfair. :D :D :D

Most of the guys I know (myself included) who lost everything in a divorce will tell you it's a bargain.  Divorces are expensive because for the most part they are worth it.

She can have all the "stuff", if that's what it takes.  She would be wise to play nice as it would be in her better interest. By Texas law, I would owe her 25% of my net income for child support for two children and that would be capped at a maximum of $1,500 if I made over $6,000 a month. Now, I don't want her or the children to have to move becasue they can't afford to live in the same house so I would have no problem paying more than the 25% to make that happen but that will be my choice and I will make sure that she understands the implications of being extra nasty about things.

Quote from: JessicaH on July 18, 2011, 11:50:55 AM
She can have all the "stuff", if that's what it takes.  She would be wise to play nice as it would be in her better interest. By Texas law, I would owe her 25% of my net income for child support for two children and that would be capped at a maximum of $1,500 if I made over $6,000 a month. Now, I don't want her or the children to have to move becasue they can't afford to live in the same house so I would have no problem paying more than the 25% to make that happen but that will be my choice and I will make sure that she understands the implications of being extra nasty about things.

a girl with a plan brilliant!!!

Jessica,
Tekla does make a fair statement. I didn't start transition until after telling my ex. Even then it was a rough go as I wouldn't compromise on starting hormones which she wanted me to put off for some unspecified reason and length of time. She was also the first to know. When it does finally come time for you to tell her, she will be embarrassed that all these other people knew before she did and that you are well down the road. There really isn't any way to cushion that blow.

I don't want to scare you, but when time came for my ex to stand before the judge in Texas, the judge was very willing to give her more than what she was asking for because of all that she had been through. You will be seen as the bad-girl here and there will be consequences for your divorce if it comes to that. In my case, the fact that my ex and I were and still are friends went a long way to resolving things amicably.

she will be embarrassed utterly and totally publicly humiliated that all these other people knew before she did and that you are well down the road

Quote from: Melody Maia on July 18, 2011, 11:59:54 AM
Jessica,
Tekla does make a fair statement. I didn't start transition until after telling my ex. Even then it was a rough go as I wouldn't compromise on starting hormones which she wanted me to put off for some unspecified reason and length of time. She was also the first to know. When it does finally come time for you to tell her, she will be embarrassed that all these other people knew before she did and that you are well down the road. There really isn't any way to cushion that blow.

My wife was the first to know when I started addressing my gender issues and I've discussed every step I was going to take before I took it. If I haven't done this and told her what I knew back when we first met I don't think we would have had any chance to stay together at all.

I really think Tekla is right this is going to be a huge bombshell and the fact that she wasn't the first to know is going to make it worse. Waiting isn't going to make it easier.

You are both absolutely right and I'm well aware of that as the most likely response.  There are only three people that she knows that know about me and she will NOT know that they knew before she did. I fully expect this to end an already challenged relationship and just thinking about it makes me nauseus.

I have wanted to tell her how I felt for a long time. Most of my life, I thought this was just a part of me that I would just keep hidden and the knowledge of it would pass when I did. I never felt telling her was an option and as things unfolded over the last year, I have felt even less able to tell her.  Knowing that telling her will end in separation and divorce, makes it even harder to tell her. It feels like surrendering to the authorities and giving them all the evidence to hang you. I know it's not fair to her but I just want my family as long as I can have it. Maybe she suspects or even knows and hopes that ignoring it will make it better? Maybe ignorance is bliss right now as long as the house in the suburbs with a husband and two kids illusion is maintained.
I want to tell her and I want to tell her bad. The stress causes panic attacks sometimes but I just haven't been able to muster the strength and courage to tell her. I feel like a coward and a scumbag about it but I don't know that I will be able to confront this any time soon unless I'm forced to.  I very much respect those of you that told your spouses early on and I am rather envious of that. Even though she is a hard person to talk to, I know I owe it to her even if that means the immediate end of everything...

You owe to to yourself to get out a head of all of this and do something about it while you still have some sort of control in dealing with it.

Quote from: tekla on July 18, 2011, 02:08:14 PM
You owe to to yourself to get out a head of all of this and do something about it while you still have some sort of control in dealing with it.

You are very right, Tekla. If I wait too long and let things unfold as they will, I will loose what little control I have now and the timing will almost certainly be at it's worst. I could possibly get outed by someone but the most likely scenario would be that I get sloppy and leave something laying around that puts me under suspicion of an affair or something.

I have kept most body hair removed for the  last 20 years so that doesnt draw any attention but the hair on my head must have pit vipers it judging by her reaction to it.  She is constantly ragging on me about it and we have had a couple of nasty fights over it. Hell, we may end up divorced over my hair then  wont have to worry about it...   Sad thing is, it's not that long. Maybe 3" lower than my hairline in the back an the tip of my nose in the front, if I pul it down. I pull it behind my ears but it will cover them about an inch if it's straight down. I think she got too used to me having more of a military cut.

I told my wife around the same time I first started seeing a therapist-she is still in denial thinking that I can be cured. Just this morning she said I was going to the darkside.

We have a long uphill battle before us and our spouses will never get it. When I think I can just be who I am she will say something that infuriates me and the wall goes back up.

So much for mutual respect and just getting along so we can work this out.

I wish you luck in your efforts. It would appear that mine have all been in vain.

Randi

The only thing I can add to this is that every day that goes by, it will get harder and the result will be worse. You aren't buying time so much as mortgaging your future a bit more. Also, what will you say when she asks "who else knows?" It is a natural question and you can expect it to come up at some point. Can you lie to her face and say "no one?" This is going to be tough. You need to find the courage to do it and do it soon.

I've never had a wife but maybe some of these wives are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

I have to admit that is one possibility-mine has good days and bad days wherin it is difficult for me to be in the same room with her. Jessica's situation is a bit different from mine in that she is away from home alot.

Jess-my heart goes out to you and the others who share this situation- I know the depth of your struggle and there are no easy fixes. [big hug]

Randi

are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

Quote from: tekla on July 19, 2011, 09:18:23 AM
are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

There's more to it than this. You're asking her to welcome the other woman into her territory and to share her role or have it usurped. Her whole role and position in the relationship is thrown into chaos and that stability of her role/relationship is often where she derives a sense of safety and security.

It's a lot to ask and accept even in the best of circumstances.

dont forget she married the man of her dreams not the woman so just be gentle

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on July 19, 2011, 09:53:13 AM
There's more to it than this. You're asking her to welcome the other woman into her territory and to share her role or have it usurped. Her whole role and position in the relationship is thrown into chaos and that stability of her role/relationship is often where she derives a sense of safety and security.

It's a lot to ask and accept even in the best of circumstances.

good point i mean i thought how would i react to this and your wife seems perfectly normal. Hannah does pose a very strong point because YOU ARE NOW TREADING ON HER MOM/WIFE TURF and that will cause her to be protective so just be careful

don't rush or wait to long.

Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet. ;)

Quote from: tekla on July 19, 2011, 09:18:23 AM
are jealous or feel threatened in some way that their former husband is able to look better than they do?

No, I think they view it much closer to several other things:
1.)  You're having an affair with another women, even if that other woman is yourself
2.)  At it's very core, everything she believed about you, and about your relationship was a lie
3.)  Whatever dreams, hopes, and aspirations she held and was working toward about the future are total junk.

All that coming together over the same information is shattering.

I feel much better about telling her now. Maybe I will do it today... lol (sarcasm).  No, those are the exact points I have had in my mind and precisely why I have been so reluctant to tell her. I'm wondering if the best move would be to just end the marriage and say I just dont feel anything for her anymore then transition afterward. That is sounding more and more like the best way to go.

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on July 19, 2011, 11:00:08 AM
Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet. ;)

Maybe I should get together with Melody Mia about that? I guess her prince got kissed by a trans-toad.

I lived with a woman a number of years ago who was perfectly fine with me cross dressing on occasion then she saw me dressed. She screamed at me how she hated me because I looked better than she did in her dress.

So I do think sometimes the issue can be about jealousy.

Hi Cynthia,
what you bring up has some basis to what I have seen/learned too.
I'd started a thread a while ago "GG vs TG jealousy". I say: Do not underestimate that!

Girls (all of us) are much prone to attacks of jealousy and may quickly view another female as a rival.

It takes some learning we have to acquire when moving into femme territory.
Growing up GGs will know ALL about it --- yet, NEVER ever want to admit to it.
We girls are NOT fond of serious competition --- with TGs a bit more forgiving then GGs in my experience.

So we have to learn the tricks of the trade to defuse these situation, e.g. handing out lots and lots of compliments, and all the loving kiss, kiss bits, um. Like swamp the rival (dragon) with charm and kindness :-)

Axelle

Quote from: Hannah_Irene on July 19, 2011, 11:00:08 AM
Her prince charming is really a princess and disney hasn't made a movie about that yet. ;)

haha true but we would pretty amazing princesses and jessica you do make one!!!

I'm sorry Jessica, but are you already on HRT?

Quote from: Hayley Rivka on July 20, 2011, 10:33:03 AM
I'm sorry Jessica, but are you already on HRT?

Yes. Almost 8 months now as of the end of this month.

8 months on HRT....
and she hasn't noticed the change in smell, sex drive or the softening of apearance!!??!

She's too busy hating my hair, I guess.  I have a feeling people would be shocked if I went back to my old flat-top hair cut. Then they would notice that there is still something different and the hair cut didn't fix it.  I am honestly surprised that she isn't asking questions. I only see her on weekends and I get in late friday night and leave sunday afternoon. I satisfy her needs I guess but I don't initiate as much or bug her about it since I could easily do with out it.

I wish I had some sage advice to give you on this but I was never married nor did I really have a well established male life prior to transition.  But I agree your wife will probably feel hurt that you didn't tell her and started moving forward behind her back so to speak.  You could explain that her prejudice against your hair wasn't helping but I think it might make things worse as you'd appear to be making it her fault.  You could just say the reason you waited so long to tell her is because you didn't want to hurt her.  You could say you told others first so she could have someone else to talk to about it.  Granted eight months later is a stretch but again biting the bullet is always tough and making her cry was something you didn't want to do.

Let me know how it goes.

Mine hates my hair with a passion-it's down on my back now and I have no plans to cut it anytime soon. She hates my nails-I keep them painted with clear polish. She knows about my using Estrogen, hates what it has done to my chest, and knows that I will go back on it at the first opportunity-yeah she really hates that thought. She hates the way I dress most of the time-she says my style is girly-duh! Let's see what else is there to hate? Oh yes, I curse a bit and have begun to drink some but not every day. And she hates that I remove all my body hair-her neice commented about how much smoother my skin is than hers(the neice) is and just laughed because she has hirsutism and battles with body hair.

One thing she does like about me is I can fix things that are broken. I guess we all have some redeeming factors. A few months ago she complained that I didn't sleep in the same room with her anymore so I started sleeping there again but we are not intimate-not yet and that was her decision. I'll say it again-there are no easy fixes-at least not for us. At least we are still together-that's something to be thankful for.

Randi

people do that, especially family/spouse. they don't try to see anything other than what they want to see it as. you'll have to be straightforward with her. in fact, you could probably look like miss america, and she would probably just say "oh, he's just got a crossdressing fetish. he's still the same man i married x amount of years ago."

Quote from: JessicaH on July 20, 2011, 11:40:33 AM
Yes. Almost 8 months now as of the end of this month.

I'm very sorry if I don't agree with many here, but to start on Hormones and begin transition without telling your wife is a horrible thing to do!! Regardless of what you expect the reactions to be or what the fall out will be, you have a responsiblity as an adult and a person that is married to tell your spouse that you will be doing something so drastic!!

You are effectively ending their world as they know it and not giving them a chance to have any say in the process or speed or anything implies that you have no respect for them. Even if you are planning on ending your marriage, they have a RIGHT to know!!

My wife i'm thankful is very understanding and is still with me. I'm scheduled for SRS in 7 weeks from today and my wife supports me. She is still going through her mourning of having lost her husband, but at least I gave her the time to get there and I did the best I could to show her she was still an important person in my life!

IMO if you intended on transitioning, staying married to transition so you don't have the expenses of divorce to contend with is plain wrong. It's not fair to her as a person!! Think of how you would feel if out of the blue someone landed such a shocker on your lap.

"Honey, I'm a transsexual woman and i've been transitioning secretly for the last 8 months. I've decided that i'm leaving you because i'd like to live my own life! Bye!" SERIOUSLY?!! It shows her that you've been lying to her for at leas t the last 8 months!!

No offense but I think that is very very wrong.

Honestly, I take no offense to what you say and I agree completely which adds a great amount of guilt on top of everything else. I know it's a deal killer either way in an already difficult relationship and I know that it would have ended the relationship even had I told her before. Do I wish I could go back and do things differently? Absolutely.

If I could go back and do things differently I would keep all of this to myself and get a divorce. I had an 'interesting' talk with her again wherein she said she was tired and sick of finding bras and other female clothing where it should not be. She has also taken several pieces of my things and disposed of them-adding to my anger and she doesn't care. The things that I do just to cope she dismisses with impunity and cares not what I might think about it-so much for getting along well. I have tried to be honest and forthcoming with information but this has proven to be non-productive. Maybe tomorrow will be better???

Tread lightly if you aren't sure how things will go.

Randi

Quote from: cynthialee on July 19, 2011, 11:22:21 AM
I lived with a woman a number of years ago who was perfectly fine with me cross dressing on occasion then she saw me dressed. She screamed at me how she hated me because I looked better than she did in her dress.

So I do think sometimes the issue can be about jealousy.

My ex told me that I'm not allowed to have bigger boobs than her. She's also a bit jealous because she says that after FFS I will look "hotter" than her.

Actually I have had one other girlfriend and my sister tell me they were jealous that I was going to be hotter than them (which is crap, my sister is gorgeous). But I usually play into it... My response is usually "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful." LOL...

Quote from: Randi on July 20, 2011, 09:03:25 PM
Maybe tomorrow will be better???

Randi

I don't want to put her in a bad light but I will say that I have been miserable for years and felt unloved for the most part. It's time I grow a spine and do the dirty work of grown-ups. I need to quit mortgaging tomorrow joy with todays peace. I know what I have to do.  Thank you all for your input. Especially Hayley, for whom I admire for your courage and strength of character.

Good luck, Jess.  You're going to need it.  :(

I'm not a lawyer.  This is not paid-for legal advice.

But I'd bet any lawyer you talk to would tell you to get out a head of all of this now, before any of the rest becomes an issue.

It seems more and more obvious that the relationship has lasted too long. I didnt see her for almost two weeks and the first day I'm home she gets mad at me for no apparant reason and just keeps sayin "it's nothing." Prtty much ruined the weekend.  :(

Jessica, Jessica...when we were msg'n last week I didn't know about this Thread! Yeah, Tekla and Melody Mia have the right advice, NOW while you are ahead! Remember you got other assets, don't think she can't get them either or get some $$$Divorce Lawyer out of Dallas or Houston...and take you to some backwater town to hear the divorce! 

And even though there are caps for child support, what about Attorney's fees? This could drag out for a long time, jump to the punch now! Also, your joint accounts could get frozen ,and what would your employer do to you?You do what you have to do and this is the price. No need to tell you so, you know that!

One other thing...YOUR COMPUTER! Can she subpoena your computer, iPod, Android, Blackberry, etc, personal and work, even this sites logs if she finds out about your posts here?

May sound like bashing, but time to move...

Thank goodness my wife left me for her best friend several years before I realised I was TS. 
If you have an adversarial Divorce system I'd be getting the nastiest lawyer you can find right now.  You really do need to tell her what is going on as soon as possible too. It surely can't make things much worse, especially if you have retained the best lawyer in town.
"it's nothing" is a way of telling you you are in deepest doodoo, but no need to tell a married person that.
Hope it all works out so you don't suffer too much.
Karen.

We do, and Texas is a Community Property state. Ouch!

Quote from: SandraJane on August 09, 2011, 08:57:07 AM
Jessica, Jessica...when we were msg'n last week I didn't know about this Thread! Yeah, Tekla and Melody Mia have the right advice, NOW while you are ahead! Remember you got other assets, don't think she can't get them either or get some $$$Divorce Lawyer out of Dallas or Houston...and take you to some backwater town to hear the divorce! 

If residency is officially in the Metroplex, then jurisdiction will essentially rest up there...not to mention that the judges up there are arguably a little more liberal than what would be found in the other location.

QuoteAnd even though there are caps for child support, what about Attorney's fees? This could drag out for a long time, jump to the punch now! Also, your joint accounts could get frozen ,and what would your employer do to you?You do what you have to do and this is the price. No need to tell you so, you know that!

No caps on fees...and good divorce attorneys make quite a bit per hour...even the crappy ones tend to bill out at roughly $250 an hour.  Some of our clients that had a concurrent divorce going on were paying closer to $400 for their representation.  Spouse was paying a similar rate.  And family/civil attorneys tend to start the fee clock running every time they pick up the phone or answer an email...one of many reasons I am glad I don't have a civil caseload- I hate keeping track of time.  Give me flat fee work any day of the week...

QuoteOne other thing...YOUR COMPUTER! Can she subpoena your computer, iPod, Android, Blackberry, etc, personal and work, even this sites logs if she finds out about your posts here?

May sound like bashing, but time to move...

Lots of stuff comes out in depositions if the divorce gets nasty...

Had I realized all this stuff was going on, I might have pushed a little more for a quick meet-up when I was up there this past weekend...I had time to kill on Saturday before checking out and heading home.  While most of my contacts are doing criminal work, I guarantee you that with a few calls I could have had you in touch with someone they would look to hire themselves if they needed family law work done...

Thank You Ann O, hoped you would see this and connect with her!

We have been married 19 years and the whole time has been a struggle. I don't think she would try and spend money on a lawyer if I offered her a fair settlement which I would. I really just want my personal things and she can have most of everything else. I want my kids to stay in their home (and her too) so I will be happy to pay more to make sure that happens but if she tries to screw me over, she will end up with the bare minimum child support which is 25% which wouldn't even pay the house note which is $1,800 after taxes and insurance are added in.

I will treat her more than fair because I want her to be ok and I don't want their standard of living to change much. I will just have to work harder and make more money to keep up which is ok. Also, my wife will probably get a sizeable settlement by early next year over a wrongful death suit which loooks like a slam dunk.  That should pay off the house and cars and she should be set.

Quote from: JessicaH on August 09, 2011, 10:53:13 AM
I don't think she would try and spend money on a lawyer if I offered her a fair settlement which I would.

Never underestimate how quickly gloves come off in a divorce proceeding...I have known more than one case where both spouses/partners believed an amicable settlement would exist that precluded getting attorneys involved...only to have one decide to run the papers by counsel 'just to make sure everything was done correctly.'  Next thing you know, it is a three-year legal battle that just dragged on and on and on...