Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A topic that comes up occasionaly is when to tell a spouse.

I told Sevan shortly after we got togather. About 2 years before we got married.

When I came out and started transition Sevan was not exactly surprised, although ze did say that I came out about ten years before she expected me to.   ::)

I believe that it was that early honesty that cushioned the blow when I did start transition.

So, opinions? Counter points?

Sometime before the fourth child, or the first, or tying the knot, or preferably before entering a serious relationship.

A lot of people seem to not feel the same, but I am of the opinion that if it is too hard to tell your spouse, they should not be your spouse. It is extremely unkind to allow someone to develop a serious emotional investment based on a lie.

I told my wife when we were just friends chatting online. She said she was okay with it. Over the years it was a big source of contention. She would fight me tooth and nail to stop me transitioning. But, surprisingly once I started HRT she has slowly become supportive. 

My ex know more then 20 years ago.  She was one of the only people who knew at the time.  Well things happened that drove me back into the closet.  And in the course of the next 20 plus years, she and I became close and eventually married.  When I came out again four years ago, she was livid and our marriage fell apart.

Even though she knew in the past, she could not live through my transition.  We don't even speak now.

When to tell your spouse? When you're ready for your marriage to be over.

You start with the hard ones don't you!

Definitely before getting engaged/mentioning marriage/moving in together. If they stay there is hope they will be able to cope.  If they leave, better that it happens then rather than years later.

I didn't have to as  we had already been separated for several years. My  son told her after I came out to him, because he couldn't handle the whole idea of a parent being trans.  Parents apparently don't have gender issues or a sex life!

Karen

I would agree way early. Only problem was that I didn't know (admit) it until the kids were off to college.

Sounds as if there is no guaranteed answer.

Transitioning slowly and with lots of consideration for the spouse's comfort in accommodating change seems to be a major factor in marriages that survive.

Robyn

Told my wife to be on the second date. It took us about 4 years to get married, but we lived together. Been married for 29 years.

Cindy

Preferably before any major commitments are made.  It took me about two years to bring it up with my SO, but I might've never told her if I hadn't been drinking at the time.  I'm glad I did, though.  It has gone better than expected.

I only found out myself after getting married. So I told him... even later... because I needed to find out that it was not a phase. Then I had a pre-coming out and then the coming out, and he is PRETTY MUCH in denial. Then again: it took me quite a while to deal with it, how could it go faster for him, right?

I'd say it's pretty important to let someone know before becoming intimate... of course, this is coming from someone who looks to all outsiders like a bio-male, but has female anatomy. My fiancee (okay, she isn't right now, but I'm working on it) knew before we got together. She was in my public speaking class in college, and I did my first speech about being trans. Strangely, it's what drew her to me... not that I'm trans, but that I had the courage to talk about it with complete strangers in a public forum. She had only ever been with bio guys before, and it was a change to say the least, but she loves me. If not for my honesty, I doubt I'd ever have been with her for a moment; as such, I thank the gods every day for giving me the courage that led me to the love of my life.

No doubt telling them early is the best policy. In my case it went from total support and encouragement, to tolerance, to intolerance, finally abandonment and outright hatred.

I still love her and miss her but I accept the lost and I am moving on. The love of my 5 children more than make for her abandonment and betrayal.

I am still waiting for my "Danish Cookie" that G-d promise is coming my way.

Kate D

The earlier the better but the hardest thing is really knowing that you are TS early enough. I think things are much different now with the wealth of information at our fingertips now, the younger ones can find others like them and not just think they are some freak. I knew that I wanted to be famale all along but I never dreamed that I could actually transition someday. The idea was just too outlandish back then for me.

I really wish I could go back and do it over knowing what I know now and I could save her and others a lot of grief.

Even though we didn't have the internet there were plenty of transwomen doing the talk shows.
When I was 9 I saw a Donohue show with a number of transwomen discussing thier transitions and SRS. Only one woman on the panel had a good srs outcome. The others had a bad srs experiance. But all of them were happy to be women even though most of them didn't have a good surgery.
That day I learned the term transsexual, and I KNEW for a fact I was just like the women on the panel. I also knew that I would some day get a sex change.

The information although hard to find was out there. The hard part for me was to get past my families seriously religous side. I feared being killed for being a ->-bleeped-<-. (at the time I didn't see the diferance between a gay man and a transwoman. Even though I liked girls....)

My wife and I were already married for a few years when I realized my truth and came out to her. I got really lucky; it actually brought us closer together.  From everything I've seen and heard, this is far from the norm.

I'm still not out to my family; that's a challenge that truly terrifies me.  :(

I don't tell, sorry but I'm now female and the past is my past.

I do however before I fall in love (or see they're falling) let them know that I can't have kids and such.

It is a bit complicated for me, I told my wife about 4 years into our marriage I have Gender Identity issues, but she didn't seem to say or care much. Apparently she didn't understand what I was getting at, or rather, didn't understand the scope of the problem. It wasn't until she was unfaithful, and things were basically over that I explained to her in detail the problem and that I wanted to transition.

She has been supportive since then, but I still don't know if there is any salvaging our marriage but, that doesn't really have to do so much with me being trans, in fact she seems to like that fact, at least at the moment but I do think that once it goes farther she may have trouble dealing with it, but we will see.

Based on that, I have to say I should have told her earlier, but certainly not before we were married. I just get the feeling, that while she is supportive, that it would have made her less interested in pursuing a life together, knowing that I was "damaged goods" and that I had these problems. I also didn't understand that I really needed to transition until a few years ago, I thought that I could beat it, and that would have been horrible trying to get her to support me "beating" GID.

Honestly, I am not sure what my policy for telling people,  or even if I will tell people if my marriage finally ends. I mean, at a certain point, I have an obligation to tell them my future (I can't have kids, periods, etc) but, I don't feel a person has an obligation to the past. Though, that is rather hypothetical since, at this point, the vast majority of my transition is in the future, not the past.

I was deeply in denial when I got married. Not that I was particularly good at hiding my issues (I remember one conversation - I was honestly at the very height of my girly phase, walking down the street in a white eyelet-lace halter top showing about 3 inches of cleavage, tight jeans, high-heeled boots, a ponytail, and makeup, chatting with my soon-to-be fiance, and made some sort of off-hand comment about not liking something, and he turned to me and said "sometimes I think you pretend you don't like a lot of things just because they're girl things. It's like you're some teenage boy scared someone's going to call him a girl. You really don't want people to think you're a girl, do you?") It didn't really matter what I did, I wore the conflict on my sleeve. But it still surprised him, 5 years later, when I put a label on it.

It depends on what you are telling them and why and what type of person your spouse is.  Since your question includes only the relationship "spouse" and not anything before, I am presuming the marriage has already taken place.

"Honey, I think I like wearing women's clothes."  SHOULD have been said before marriage but since you're already married, ease her into it slowly and delicately, especially if she's the conservative sort.

"Honey, I am going to become a man/woman."  If you just got married, you are pretty damn inconsiderate.  If you've been married like 20+ years and have finally realized you can't live in your birth gender anymore, be gentle but tell him/her as soon as you are SURE.  Remember the old adage, "You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube."

If you're married to someone who is very open-minded, liberal and is bi, you may just be in luck.

As I told in my story that I told my spouse before we married. Yes I am talking married folks but telling before the marriage is always an option.