Community Conversation => Transsexual talk => Topic started by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 12:30:05 PM Return to Full Version
Title: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 12:30:05 PM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 12:30:05 PM
I'm starting to feel like there was no point coming out in the first place.
My mom still calls me my full name. Still calls me "girlie". Still assumes that I'm going to want to go out and do things with people that are just going to scream "HIYA STEVE'S DAUGHTER NICOOOOOOLE HOW ARE YOU NICOOOOOOLE ARE YOU PREGNANT YET WHY ARENT YOU IN A DRESS NICOOOOOLE"
I can't take this. I can't take this at all.
I've thought about killing myself since my goddamn birthday this past Wednesday, when my autistic cousin decided to call and scream "Happy Birthday NICOLE" about fifty times in my ear. Leaving me trying to make up excuses why I'm crying when my aunt gets back on the line.
I can't even come ou t to my dad, I don't have the balls. I can't tell my mom to stop because she gets insanely guilty, and I can't fix anything because I don't have the goddamn money or even a car. I'm losing it. I'm losing it bad right now, and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up at this point.
My mom still calls me my full name. Still calls me "girlie". Still assumes that I'm going to want to go out and do things with people that are just going to scream "HIYA STEVE'S DAUGHTER NICOOOOOOLE HOW ARE YOU NICOOOOOOLE ARE YOU PREGNANT YET WHY ARENT YOU IN A DRESS NICOOOOOLE"
I can't take this. I can't take this at all.
I've thought about killing myself since my goddamn birthday this past Wednesday, when my autistic cousin decided to call and scream "Happy Birthday NICOLE" about fifty times in my ear. Leaving me trying to make up excuses why I'm crying when my aunt gets back on the line.
I can't even come ou t to my dad, I don't have the balls. I can't tell my mom to stop because she gets insanely guilty, and I can't fix anything because I don't have the goddamn money or even a car. I'm losing it. I'm losing it bad right now, and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up at this point.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: Amazon D on July 24, 2011, 12:53:23 PM
Post by: Amazon D on July 24, 2011, 12:53:23 PM
Hey go to http://directory.ic.org/23398/Maetreum_of_Cybele_Magna_Mater (http://directory.ic.org/23398/Maetreum_of_Cybele_Magna_Mater) in palatine ny and call them.
Your in upstate NY they can give you some peace..
also try connecting with these people at http://www.abebooks.com/direct-link-marketing-pine-hill-ny/5169158/sf (http://www.abebooks.com/direct-link-marketing-pine-hill-ny/5169158/sf) they are in pine hill NY and they are both trans sisters who use to run transyhouse in brooklyn..
PS: Do not mention me or how you got the info because as much as they wanted my help they hated me as a Jesus/Yahshua follower and a celibate so do not mention me just say you did a google surf and found them
Your in upstate NY they can give you some peace..
also try connecting with these people at http://www.abebooks.com/direct-link-marketing-pine-hill-ny/5169158/sf (http://www.abebooks.com/direct-link-marketing-pine-hill-ny/5169158/sf) they are in pine hill NY and they are both trans sisters who use to run transyhouse in brooklyn..
PS: Do not mention me or how you got the info because as much as they wanted my help they hated me as a Jesus/Yahshua follower and a celibate so do not mention me just say you did a google surf and found them
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 05:36:51 PM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 05:36:51 PM
The second link wouldn't work for me.
The first one kind of..terrified me, to be honest. I'm about as far away from "feminist" as humanly possible.
I'm sorry for the massive rant, I was...pretty screwed up earlier.
The first one kind of..terrified me, to be honest. I'm about as far away from "feminist" as humanly possible.
I'm sorry for the massive rant, I was...pretty screwed up earlier.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: Amazon D on July 24, 2011, 06:52:07 PM
Post by: Amazon D on July 24, 2011, 06:52:07 PM
Well the first link is really a pre op sister who runs a home and is a radical person who created her own religion. The second link works but you might have to copy paste it to get it to work.
but if you can't deal with MTFs then maybe you best seek other directions
but if you can't deal with MTFs then maybe you best seek other directions
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 10:47:45 PM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 10:47:45 PM
I have no problems with mtfs, no inherent problem with most people really, I just don't tend to get along with women in general.
That...sounds kind of contradictory, but I hope you get the gist of it.
That...sounds kind of contradictory, but I hope you get the gist of it.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 24, 2011, 10:53:34 PM
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 24, 2011, 10:53:34 PM
Hey man, I'm glad you're still here. I like reading your posts, and I love your art. :)
Can you try calling 211? They can usually help you with some free counsel and can direct you to services in your area.
Can you try calling 211? They can usually help you with some free counsel and can direct you to services in your area.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 12:58:23 AM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 12:58:23 AM
What's 211?
I'm feeling excessively stuck because I've got no goddamn money, either. I'm doing better now, I've been having these crazy ups and downs lately though that're just really...out of character for me.
I'm feeling excessively stuck because I've got no goddamn money, either. I'm doing better now, I've been having these crazy ups and downs lately though that're just really...out of character for me.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 25, 2011, 01:46:36 AM
Post by: Wolfsnake on July 25, 2011, 01:46:36 AM
http://www.211.org/ (http://www.211.org/)
"2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more."
And Chaos, I feel for you. I've been unemployed since 2008. It sucks. It really, really sucks. But I think that for both of us, it will get better.
"2-1-1 provides free and confidential information and referral. Call 2-1-1 for help with food, housing, employment, health care, counseling and more."
And Chaos, I feel for you. I've been unemployed since 2008. It sucks. It really, really sucks. But I think that for both of us, it will get better.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 04:24:15 AM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 04:24:15 AM
Ah, sweet, thanks for letting me know.
That's total balls. I make a bit of money occasionally from selling paintings and ->-bleeped-<- I make, but it's not nearly enough. I'm thinking about tagging along with my aunt to the farmer's market one of these days and trying to sell up there.
That's total balls. I make a bit of money occasionally from selling paintings and ->-bleeped-<- I make, but it's not nearly enough. I'm thinking about tagging along with my aunt to the farmer's market one of these days and trying to sell up there.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: Renate on July 25, 2011, 05:39:11 AM
Post by: Renate on July 25, 2011, 05:39:11 AM
Have you been to a gender therapist already?
Sometimes it's the "stamp of approval" that your relatives might need.
It can also be the way forward.
Here's a good place in Albany, NY:
http://www.choicesconsulting.com/ (http://www.choicesconsulting.com/)
Sometimes it's the "stamp of approval" that your relatives might need.
It can also be the way forward.
Here's a good place in Albany, NY:
http://www.choicesconsulting.com/ (http://www.choicesconsulting.com/)
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: spacial on July 25, 2011, 07:39:45 AM
Post by: spacial on July 25, 2011, 07:39:45 AM
Quote from: N.Chaos on July 24, 2011, 12:30:05 PM
I'm starting to feel like there was no point coming out in the first place.
My mom still calls me my full name. Still calls me "girlie". Still assumes that I'm going to want to go out and do things with people that are just going to scream "HIYA STEVE'S DAUGHTER NICOOOOOOLE HOW ARE YOU NICOOOOOOLE ARE YOU PREGNANT YET WHY ARENT YOU IN A DRESS NICOOOOOLE"
I can't take this. I can't take this at all.
I've thought about killing myself since my goddamn birthday this past Wednesday, when my autistic cousin decided to call and scream "Happy Birthday NICOLE" about fifty times in my ear. Leaving me trying to make up excuses why I'm crying when my aunt gets back on the line.
I can't even come ou t to my dad, I don't have the balls. I can't tell my mom to stop because she gets insanely guilty, and I can't fix anything because I don't have the goddamn money or even a car. I'm losing it. I'm losing it bad right now, and I just want to go to sleep and never wake up at this point.
I'm going to be honest with you, but I get the impression you are looking for approval from those around you.
You don't need permission to be you.
With the confines of deceny and convention, just live your life and be who you are. Show the respect to others that you expect in return. That's your indication.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: spacial on July 25, 2011, 09:33:12 AM
Post by: spacial on July 25, 2011, 09:33:12 AM
I can see that and sympathise with how that feels.
Title: Re: I'm losing my mind.
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 11:44:31 AM
Post by: N.Chaos on July 25, 2011, 11:44:31 AM
Quote from: Renate on July 25, 2011, 05:39:11 AM
Have you been to a gender therapist already?
Sometimes it's the "stamp of approval" that your relatives might need.
It can also be the way forward.
Here's a good place in Albany, NY:
http://www.choicesconsulting.com/ (http://www.choicesconsulting.com/)
No, I've got no transportation, and no money. I'm hoping that when I do get the money, a friend of mine or one of my aunts can possibly drive me out, but until then I'm pretty stuck.
Quote from: spacial on July 25, 2011, 07:39:45 AM
I'm going to be honest with you, but I get the impression you are looking for approval from those around you.
You don't need permission to be you.
With the confines of deceny and convention, just live your life and be who you are. Show the respect to others that you expect in return. That's your indication.
Reading that now, I think you're absolutely right. It's a stupid habit I've had forever. As much of a "Screw everyone, I'm doing it my way" person I am at times, when it comes to people I care about I'm pitifully needy of confirmation and approval.