Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My mom has been pretty decent, and has taken my transition the best way she can, and she almost always gets my pronouns right, and she only calls me my old name by mistake if she is angry or something.

But today we were talking and she said
"Sometimes I just think that you will meet a guy, get married and have children" (she means transition back)

I told her that she already knows I dont want children, and yes I probably will get married. I asked her if she thought that I would change back, and she said
"Oh I dont know, I guess I still have that hope, I think maybe this wasnt the path for you, and wonder what could have happened to cause you to choose this"
"I just wonder, what if you arent happy"

I told her that there is no way in hell I would change back, also that even if I wanted to, which I dont, it would be no easy task what with all of the effects testosterone has made so far. Then I told her that i would not transition back even if someone had a gun pointed to my head, and that I am happy, and that before I didnt feel my body was mine, none of it made me happy, but now there are more parts of me that actually feel like they belong to me.

I know its a process, I just wish I could be accepted wholeheartedly as her son, not her daughter who transitioned.  I dunno if I shared this with you all, but one time maybe 5 months ago we got in a little fight and I asked her if she wished "Maggie" was back, and if she would rather have her then me, and she said yes.  That had just felt like a punch right in the face, cause I am not her, its her denying the real me, and wanting the fake person, the person that didnt really exist because thats who she had hopes and dreams for.  I dont think i was a real person back then, maybe I have dissociated all of those old memories, but I almost feel like I took over hr life, I am not sure if she really ever existed, if she wanted me to take over, if I existed somewhere inside of er for so long and finally broke free without even knowing it.

I'm sorry.  I feel for ya, man.  My aunt, (who is like a mom to me), said basically the same to me.  That she hopes after therapy, I will change my mind.

It is so hurtful to have someone just plain not believe me when I say I am trans.  It's like they haven't accepted me yet in their minds.  They like to say how much they accept trans people.  but they haven't accept that I am trans yet.  Maybe after I get on T, and get top surgery, and they see my flat, hairy chest, maybe then it will seek in that, yes, I am really trans.  for good.  not changing my mind.

But, yeah, I don't know.  I hear people say it just takes time.

I know it's hurtful, and I don't know your whole family situation, but I don't think she really believes you'll change back. She's worried and concerned, because life as a trans person, stealth or not, comes with added difficulties and hurdles. You're her kid, this is something she can't fully understand, and it seems like her main concern is that you end up as happy as possible. She probably doesn't quite get that it won't be possible for you to be happy as you were. Give her more time, it can takes years for them to become accustomed to this thing. Once you've had more time, and she sees how happy and successful you're going to be, I'm sure the doubts and worries will go.

Quotewe got in a little fight and I asked her if she wished "Maggie" was back, and if she would rather have her then me, and she said yes.

Sometimes parents are the last to know us, while convincing themselves they still know what is best for us. They also have a tendency to have way more power in their words than other people because they are our parents...those we trusted to care for us.
Maybe they're too close to the situation to really see it...like an artist and his painting. I'll bet there's not a person on this forum who looks at your photo and sees a Maggie. Hopefully, in time they will be able to step back and see you.

Hang in there. Parents get to start the painting. Elijah gets to finish it.

Quote from: Elijah on August 11, 2011, 01:16:30 AM
My mom has been pretty decent, and has taken my transition the best way she can, and she almost always gets my pronouns right, and she only calls me my old name by mistake if she is angry or something.

But today we were talking and she said
"Sometimes I just think that you will meet a guy, get married and have children" (she means transition back)

I told her that she already knows I dont want children, and yes I probably will get married. I asked her if she thought that I would change back, and she said
"Oh I dont know, I guess I still have that hope, I think maybe this wasnt the path for you, and wonder what could have happened to cause you to choose this"
"I just wonder, what if you arent happy"

I told her that there is no way in hell I would change back, also that even if I wanted to, which I dont, it would be no easy task what with all of the effects testosterone has made so far. Then I told her that i would not transition back even if someone had a gun pointed to my head, and that I am happy, and that before I didnt feel my body was mine, none of it made me happy, but now there are more parts of me that actually feel like they belong to me.

I know its a process, I just wish I could be accepted wholeheartedly as her son, not her daughter who transitioned.  I dunno if I shared this with you all, but one time maybe 5 months ago we got in a little fight and I asked her if she wished "Maggie" was back, and if she would rather have her then me, and she said yes.  That had just felt like a punch right in the face, cause I am not her, its her denying the real me, and wanting the fake person, the person that didnt really exist because thats who she had hopes and dreams for.  I dont think i was a real person back then, maybe I have dissociated all of those old memories, but I almost feel like I took over hr life, I am not sure if she really ever existed, if she wanted me to take over, if I existed somewhere inside of er for so long and finally broke free without even knowing it.

im somehow been into the same. I go get homones and so but I dont think my mom accept me and I think she deep down still hope I will transition back.
she keep limit-accepting me "meaning she say she accept me but she try to deny every issue who comes up.

but so far the worst is I dont feel loved by her, somethimes I feel more scared actually.
her I love you is, NO you dont, you love someone you hope I will be but I wont..
I am kinda sinning on that expectation.

beside that she had always told me how my brother wanted a little sister, and he and her wanted a girl more than a guy, I think its pretty natural since a boy and a girl is the best and most healthy famely, if you look at the norm, and beside that fact my mother also got a girl but she died by birth so I think she somehow wanted me to grow up as the girl she lost.

theres not much to say other than it suchs and hurts,
I somehow want to end my relationship with my mother if I get the chance, its very hard to but I also feel its hard to hide myself wondering whever reacting who will turn out.

Parents are hard :(  I'm still pre-everything, and whenever I used to my mom about it, She said "I don't understand why you have to change to be you..."     When I first had "the talk" with her, she couldn't even look me in the face. She just stared at the table, spoke softly, and looked so sad.

I'm hopeful she's started to understand what it means to me though, because since getting my hair cut, I've actually been passing sometimes. Once was right in front of my mom. The cashier was saying "he" for me, as well as "his". Mom didn't say anything to correct her, and just laughed WITH me when I did my passing happy dance. :)

I hope all the parents making transition so difficult for some people will realize one day, that the transitioned person is still their child and learn to love and accept them for who the TRULY are. Stay strong, everyone.

Yeah, it's hard.  But since she is accepting for the most part, she is likely still grieving the loss of her daughter, even though she accepts her son.  I know how much I have changed since transition.  I told my mother that yes, she lost a daughter but gained a son, but I still think she misses the old me.   She doesn't understand it all either, but wants me to be happy.  This is something she will have to work through.  Unfortunately people say things that are hurtful and don't always know it's hurtful.

Give her time.  Lots of time.  I'm 3 years in and still get occ. comments that hurt.


Jay

I'm in a similar situation, but a bit worse... My parents don't use proper pronouns or anything, and they still talk about me to others as their "daughter".
They both say that they're accepting. But my dad insists that he won't do anything until I've gone through therapy. He doesn't seem to get that after I admitted I was trans, I stopped having dissociation and suicidal thoughts, I was dismissed from panic therapy. He doesn't even try to use the correct pronouns, or even my real NAME! (I've already filled out forms to change it legally)
My mom, seems to be avoiding it. At first she seemed to just forget, so I started to remind her, now she just seems to avoid it altogether. At the store the other day I was buying a pair of pants and she insisted I try them on, and made my brother come with me, she said, "Justin, go with ....." and then just waved her arm frantically, like she couldn't bring herself to say "him" or "Orion".

Quote from: TheAwesomePrussia on August 12, 2011, 02:21:43 PM
I'm in a similar situation, but a bit worse... My parents don't use proper pronouns or anything, and they still talk about me to others as their "daughter".
They both say that they're accepting. But my dad insists that he won't do anything until I've gone through therapy. He doesn't seem to get that after I admitted I was trans, I stopped having dissociation and suicidal thoughts, I was dismissed from panic therapy. He doesn't even try to use the correct pronouns, or even my real NAME! (I've already filled out forms to change it legally)
My mom, seems to be avoiding it. At first she seemed to just forget, so I started to remind her, now she just seems to avoid it altogether. At the store the other day I was buying a pair of pants and she insisted I try them on, and made my brother come with me, she said, "Justin, go with ....." and then just waved her arm frantically, like she couldn't bring herself to say "him" or "Orion".

Yeah my mom calls me by my birth name still(I havent changed it legally yet) but my dad is at least trying to call me by my name. One of my friends refuses to call me by my name, saying that she'll always just call me by my birth name even though she says she accepts me. No one that I've known for a long period of time gets pronouns right. I'm going to let it slide a bit until I get on testosterone, though I do correct them. When I start T though.. it's a completely different story(even though you don't have to be on T to be a man. I am a man. They just don't see it. But then again, I'm from bum->-bleeped-<- TN and no one understands anything). I'm going stealth, so if someone calls me the wrong pronoun, I will be severely pissed off and most likely kick them in the face(kidding, I would never do that, but I would say I would kick them in the face)

On the bright side for you though, at least she didn't say "her". She's acknowledging that you're not a "her" by waving her arms frantically. She may slip up, and even though she can't bring herself to say "him" yet, just be patient. She'll get there. :)

Quote from: stiltsk on August 12, 2011, 02:46:34 PM
Yeah my mom calls me by my birth name still(I havent changed it legally yet) but my dad is at least trying to call me by my name. One of my friends refuses to call me by my name, saying that she'll always just call me by my birth name even though she says she accepts me. No one that I've known for a long period of time gets pronouns right. I'm going to let it slide a bit until I get on testosterone, though I do correct them. When I start T though.. it's a completely different story(even though you don't have to be on T to be a man. I am a man. They just don't see it. But then again, I'm from bum->-bleeped-<- TN and no one understands anything). I'm going stealth, so if someone calls me the wrong pronoun, I will be severely pissed off and most likely kick them in the face(kidding, I would never do that, but I would say I would kick them in the face)

On the bright side for you though, at least she didn't say "her". She's acknowledging that you're not a "her" by waving her arms frantically. She may slip up, and even though she can't bring herself to say "him" yet, just be patient. She'll get there. :)

Yea. I can see what you mean. And I guess I should just voice a request to my dad to call me by male pronouns and see where it goes from there.

Out of curiosity, where is bum->-bleeped-<- TN for you? For I, too, live in bum->-bleeped-<- TN. Though it is likely a different bum->-bleeped-<-. 8U

Quote from: TheAwesomePrussia on August 12, 2011, 03:05:32 PM
Yea. I can see what you mean. And I guess I should just voice a request to my dad to call me by male pronouns and see where it goes from there.

Out of curiosity, where is bum->-bleeped-<- TN for you? For I, too, live in bum->-bleeped-<- TN. Though it is likely a different bum->-bleeped-<-. 8U

Cookeville, TN LOL

But aren't most places in TN bum->-bleeped-<- LOL

True that. xP

I'm currently in Ashland City. Will be in Murfreesboro come school time.

my parrents call me by my new name but not by the right pronoucing..?
---
in general it makes me wonder if people say "I accept you" but refuse to do anything about it.
once I head a guy say "you shouldnt say accept you should say respect"

accept is more like if you got something negative going on but your okay with that and it kinda overused even if you dont really mean it you say it to be nice.
respect is when the person is diffrent or go a diffrent way than you might do but your respecting the person from doing it and as the situation and human kind it is.

said without many thoughts.. in a more simple way

I feel people should be respectfull and at least try,
I cant see the point in people saying they "accept your" and still refuse to do things as, calling you by another pronoucing or trying to remember your new name even when you got it legally chanced.. if they dont know, or still not use to it, its okay but if they refuse then there not respecting you, and I dont think you can call it accept without respect?
am I wrong?

I absolutely agree with you.
And I'm willing to give my parents the benefit of the doubt, they may just be having a hard time getting used to it.

Although I haven't yet told my father that I am transgender, he still believes that I am going to find this "perfect" man, get married, and then have kids. I only dated 1 guy in my life, and that was it! I am surprised that he hasn't got caught on by now that I am not interested in men that way. My father keeps hounding me for a grandchild. I can't prove that he did this, but I think he signed me up on this baby stuff, and I actually got baby formula sample in the mail some time ago. I guess that was a clue that he gave me that he wants to be a grandfather.

I mean I truly feel for my father. I wish that I can give him the grandchild that he so badly wants, but I am not going to get pregnant! And besides I honestly don't want any kids. I do not have that parental instinct that some people tend to have. I also am not financially fit to have kids at this time. I am struggling to support myself, and to bring a child in this world means irresponsible IMO.

Quote from: Matthew J. F on August 13, 2011, 03:10:13 AM
Although I haven't yet told my father that I am transgender, he still believes that I am going to find this "perfect" man, get married, and then have kids. I only dated 1 guy in my life, and that was it! I am surprised that he hasn't got caught on by now that I am not interested in men that way. My father keeps hounding me for a grandchild. I can't prove that he did this, but I think he signed me up on this baby stuff, and I actually got baby formula sample in the mail some time ago. I guess that was a clue that he gave me that he wants to be a grandfather.

I mean I truly feel for my father. I wish that I can give him the grandchild that he so badly wants, but I am not going to get pregnant! And besides I honestly don't want any kids. I do not have that parental instinct that some people tend to have. I also am not financially fit to have kids at this time. I am struggling to support myself, and to bring a child in this world means irresponsible IMO.

That sucks; I feel for ya man.  Last time I was in the car with my dad I was talking about work (and parents that don't watch their children when they bring them out in public) and said flatly that I don't want to have kids which caused my dad to freak out in a way I wasn't really expecting.  He pretty much assumes the same thing as yours, he's waiting for me to find the "right guy" and settle down and give him some grandkids and be a mom...none of which will happen.  But I'm not terrible surprised since this is the guy who gives me gifts his wife likes and not me, i.e. girly soaps, lotions, earrings, etc. when I quite obviously neither use or wear any of the above  :P :P  Haven't told him I'm trans yet, but yeah, my life desires and pleasures don't seem to enter his peripheral vision.

Quote from: Elijah on August 11, 2011, 01:16:30 AM
But today we were talking and she said
"Sometimes I just think that you will meet a guy, get married and have children" (she means transition back)

except for the "transition back" part (which i'm assuming she didn't EXPLICITLY say in conjunction with the above phrase), i hope you do just that someday and make your mom proud :P lol

"but mom you told me you wanted me to meet a guy, get married, and have children! you said nothing about the guy being gay and us adopting."

Quote from: -Ryan- on August 13, 2011, 10:07:57 PM
except for the "transition back" part (which i'm assuming she didn't EXPLICITLY say in conjunction with the above phrase), i hope you do just that someday and make your mom proud :P lol

"but mom you told me you wanted me to meet a guy, get married, and have children! you said nothing about the guy being gay and us adopting."

LOL yeah,
if we had gay married it could have been something I could have told my parrents, it would be so epic XD

I have been very fortunate to have accepting parents. Even though they accept me and understand this is what will make me happy, my mom had a little jaunt through the stages of grief (e.g. denial, anger, sadness, etc.). The thing that seemed to help her the most, though, was that she was not losing a daughter. I am the same child of hers, except I will look and sound a bit different soon, and will go by a different name. My outside is going to match my inside, and I will remain the same person. It took a few tries, but I think she finally understands that there is no reason to act as if I am dying. For some people this takes longer than others, since my dad was okay with everything from the beginning, and wasn't the least bit surprised. It might hit parents harder, too, since there isn't anyone they love more than you. It might take a while for them (your mom or anyone) to establish you as being male in their mind, since they've looked at you as female for so long. But at the same time they have to realize that it's not as dramatic of a change as they think of it as, at least in terms of who you are, since you're already male.

Even though I'm very fortunate to have been able to pass from a young age, and my parents have acted very supportive so far, my mom did kind of a similar thing yesterday. She basically told me that she has no problems buying men's clothes for me, but she's certain that I'm going to change my mind about everything.

my parents still hope i will turn into a straight female like im supposed to be haha.they see me as a dyke atm..im a straight male at times but for some reason i find ftms more attractive than bio guys. i think its cos Few bio guys i know have their priorities straight and some bio guys i know only want sex..with the female that i apparently am. smack head against desk. my parents cling to the hope that a good guy will male me normal and throw them at me every chance they geti truly know the feeling of having parents who wont give up hope on a female child.. i cant even say that about myself lately without wanting to vomit. shudder. but keep on truckin and eventually we will all get through it together dont let it get youdown.

Yea. My dad kind of said something similar, though a bit more hopeful, "If you go through with this, get the therapy, and decide a few years down the road that you want to go back, that's great! It would make me very happy. But if you don't, that's okay and I still love you. Forgive me, but I'm always going to think of you as my daughter who became a boy."
It bothered me just a bit, but at the same time, I'm glad he at least accepts it as being a possibility that I won't change. And I won't, I guess he'll start to see that with time.

Yesterday me and my mom got into an argument, in the car, at about 2am in the morning. By argument I mean her crying a lot and yelling, and me trying to console her and be reasonable. I've been out to her for at least a year, if not more actually (now that I think about it). Our argument came with the stress of one of my friends moving in who only sees me as a man. I introduced myself as one, and she's said that mentally that she has trouble even trying to wrap her mind around the idea that Sal was once a Sarah. My friend constantly refers to me as him, he, or his (which isn't that strange, because people use pronouns in daily everything, she can't exactly say Sal this, Sal that, every moment of the day), and my mom still calls me she, and her (in all honesty I think I've spoiled my mom by letting her do this, and not putting down my foot firm enough).

During our argument she kept crying that 'My Sarah is dead!! My Sarah is dead', which is entirely uncomfortable for me (since I 1. am right there, holding her hand and 2. I have a terrible fear of death). I tried to make things more clear to her, saying that I've considered myself male for at least seven years, and was uncomfortable with myself for at least 4 more years prior to that (uncomfortable to the point of not talking to people, not leaving the house to go do fun things, stomach and back pains brought on by stress, suicidal thoughts, ect.) I've given a LOT to my mom, as my self goes. Knowing that my birthname has significance for all (I was named after women in my family), instead of going by John Doe, I've gone by Sal (I was named after a Sally), and as far as my middle name, Eli (taking away the zabeth). Her tears didn't stop though, as she feels like every chance my friend gets she's ramming male pronouns down my mom's throat, which she feels is a personal attack towards her.

I think my mom might be a bit jealous actually, that she can't comfortable do that, and that I have my friend so easily able to do so is a slap. I'd never hurt my mom in anyway, but last night had me so frustrated that I couldn't see straight. She wants me to be made of sugar spice and everything nice (we managed to get a chuckle out of that at least), and that she still thinks I might have lots of little babies (I've been fully honest with her since the age of 10 or 11 that in no way shape or form that I am going to have a baby. The only baby doll she ever got me ended in a mudpile upside-down outside with my sister barbies).

In the end she said that she wants me to be happy, and that she'll fully accept me, but I still get the feeling that she can't. That I'm always going to be her daughter, and of course the push-over I am, I'll keep on letter her say that... of course it might get a little uncomfortable for her when she's introducing her 'daughter' and her is this flat-chested bearded hot-topic fashion victim of a guy saying hello.

Beyond my mom, everyone at work knows (and accepts it, even going so far as to be respectful enough to ask what pronouns I would like them to use), my friends online either know, though most of the time I tell them the truth and say I'm a man, I think my grandma knows (coupled with the statement of 'Oh. That's sad.'), and my sister knows (and gave her strange okay of it when we were making Mii's on the Wii and when I went to make mine and had to chose between the genders she simply said 'you can be a guy if you want'). My dad doesn't know, but considering the topics we talk about, I'm sure that he wouldn't be surprised by it (I don't live with him).

The whole big thing that makes me nervous though is that I don't want my mom to not really accept it, and then get turned upside-down when I start T, or when I return from top surgery. I don't want to put her in that position (because I love my mommy), but sometimes I don't know if it's actually avoidable.



... Good lords... I'm so sorry for ranting like that.

i havent came out as trans yet. none of my family knows. they all think i'm lesbian. my grandma thinks i have a "disease" and that god will cure me one day. and untill that day, she has to outcast me. my mom understands, but wishes i would pretend to be a straight woman for her. i lived my whole life a lie to please everyone else untill i was 19. then i moved out, came out as lesbian. i'm 21 now and soon will come out as trans. now that i know what trans means, i understand that that's what i've been all along. i've always thought of myself as a man with the wrong body. always wondered why i had to be born with a girls body. used to tell everyone that me and my brother must have gotten the wrong bodies and we should switch.