Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello Everyone,

I am seeing the light of my "situation" these days. I still have my spouse. She has not changed as much as I was afraid of. My therapist is AWESOME!!!! I have picked up new methods on how to meditate. I no longer am terrified of my spouse leaving me for a man. She is devoted to me. She has been on HRT for 2 or 3 so months and I can start to see the softening of her features. She is going to be getting her acne scars on her face removed!!!! She will have really smooth skin and will feel closer to her goal.

So lets talk about what I feel we have gained in our marriage.

1) Great communication.
2) Better understanding.
3) Spouse is shining like a butterfly (most of the time) at least it seems to me.
4) We got a second wind to our marriage and are finding new things to do together.
5) Closer Intimacy.
6) I am finding that I might be learning more about myself that I didn't know possible. (BIG SMILES)
7) My inner peace will be found.
8) Both partner and I will be connected more and more.
Etc....

Please do not get me wrong I do have my bad day and so does she..... but as of right now this is where I am at...

That is great, I am happy for you!
I have went through some really rough times with my wife as of late, and it always puts a smile on my face to know people can work things out. I wish you both the best of luck.

Beautiful news,

Now I just hope your are similar dress and shoe sizes, my wife and I are, the shopping trips were awesome ::). No one complained about maxing the card.  We would then get dressed and go out to dinner or a club and enjoy. And we only ever enjoyed our own company, after all we are the ones in love.

Cindy

May I ask a question? Are you both transgender women (you who were for longer time on HRT and she just beginning), or you are genetic gay woman in relationship with a transsexual woman?

Hi Hon,
These questions are always difficult and thank you for being sensitive. I'm a XY woman who was born with physical defects. My wife is a XX female who does not have those defects. I told her about the defects very early in the relationship, I think it was the second date. She is heterosexual as am I. Which means we both like guys BTW. We have never been unfaithful to each other no matter our desires. We love each other .
I'm also sterile as I was forcibly castrated so birth control has not been a problem.

Let  me know how I can help.

Cindy

So you are married, and never had sex?

How about you, Quirky Queen? (I refer to my first question here)

Your questions are becoming offensive.

Ok, i'm sorry, never mind, didn't mean to offend you in any way

I am a biological female married. I am not offended in any way. :) I am going through this with an open mind and positive attitude. My spouse needs that from me more then anything, she needs my love. Her family is treating her like utter crap and I never thought my inlaws would EVER and I repeat EVER say the things that have said to her. It does break our hearts BUT we chose to not let that bring us down. We are happy and that is all that matters. One day at a time!!!

You intend on staying with her in a relationship?

Quote from: marelivki on August 17, 2011, 04:32:48 AM
May I ask a question? Are you both transgender women (you who were for longer time on HRT and she just beginning), or you are genetic gay woman in relationship with a transsexual woman?

I would just like to point out for clarities sake, that someone doesn't have to identify as gay or lesbian or even bi to be in a same sex relationship with a transperson that is or has transitioned. Plenty of people who are heterosexual have made an "exception" in the case of this person, since they love that person, not the parts between their legs.

In my particular case, whatever my wifes attractions are, I don't think, even if everything works out well and we stay together forever, that she will call herself a lesbian, She may call herself hetroflexible at best. She likes men (Though I do not) and only has a slight attraction to women but, that doesn't mean that we can't have a fulfilling even sexual relationship, based on the fact that we love each other as people regardless of gender.

Just as a disclaimer, I am only speaking for myself and my spouse.

Would you feel fulfilled in that relationship? I know you love her, but being loved for some phantom of who you used to be isn't what it takes to be happy... At least for me. I wouldn't feel comfortable if person i'm partners with weren't attracted to sex I'm representative of.

Quote from: marelivki on August 17, 2011, 10:55:31 AM
Would you feel fulfilled in that relationship? I know you love her, but being loved for some phantom of who you used to be isn't what it takes to be happy... At least for me. I wouldn't feel comfortable if person i'm partners with weren't attracted to sex I'm representative of.

I thought she was pretty clear that it took more then what was between your legs to make a relationship successful.  Yes its unusual, but plenty of people have stayed in relationships because they love the other person.  While its a rather major change, change is a fundamental part of life.  The person you loved in the past is never going to be the person you love today - human beings change.  Love and sex are two seperate things, in some relationships you have both, in some you only have one or the other.

I really admire your idealistic point of view, but in my opinion, love goes only with two factors: body, and mind. I know it sounds pretty high-flown to love despite the body but dont forget about reality... Love is a complex feeling, and without craving each other's bodies it doesn't work. I dont believe love can be based only on who we are, and what we feel (I refer to our mental personality).

Quote from: marelivki on August 17, 2011, 11:26:58 AM
I really admire your idealistic point of view, but in my opinion, love goes only with two factors: body, and mind. I know it sounds pretty high-flown to love despite the body but dont forget about reality... Love is a complex feeling, and without craving each other's bodies it doesn't work. I dont believe love can be based only on who we are, and what we feel (I refer to our mental personality).

I shudder to think of my grandparents as "craving each other's bodies" (as long as I knew them, they slept in seperate rooms) but I don't doubt for a second that they loved each other.  Love lasts long after the physical appeal has passed...

Are you at least listening to what you're saying? I dont know if I need to explain why your point is not good, but I hope not... Older people have history, they loved each other, they craved each other's bodies, now, when they are old, they are each other's support and help, because of what they have been through... But it wouldn't work if they didn't have history they did.

Quote from: marelivki on August 17, 2011, 12:53:17 PM
Are you at least listening to what you're saying? I dont know if I need to explain why your point is not good, but I hope not... Older people have history, they loved each other, they craved each other's bodies, now, when they are old, they are each other's support and help, because of what they have been through... But it wouldn't work if they didn't have history they did.

And people who were married before transition don't have history? Who is to say my seven years are any less valuable than older people's time? I am trying to follow your thoughts, but I guess I can't I am just not that way.

If I love someone and they love me, then everything else is just details. So what if my wife isn't really attracted to the outfits I am wearing, I don't like the fact she shaved all her hair to only be an inch long, but of course I can still be attracted and even sexual with her because I like her not her body, not her clothes, her. In fact if she were to come out as an FTM, while it would frustrate me a bit (eww stubble) I am sure I could find a way for us to meet each others need monogamously because we love each other, and frankly in my view to not, is to be a bit shallow, like leaving someone because they gained weight or similar.

To me, romantic love is something you work out, sure some primal lust helps, but it isn't really required in the least. I am not even into the same fetishes that my spouse is, but it doesn't matter I participate because I love her, I want her to feel good, and I will do just about anything that doesn't compromise who I am (She does have to love me for me, as I am) and doesn't compromise monogamy. That is what romantic love is about to me, working together and compromising, in order to realize the love you have for someone, and to continue renewing it.

In any case, this has got very off topic I feel.

Quote from: marelivki on August 17, 2011, 08:29:51 AM
You intend on staying with her in a relationship?

Yes I do no matter what and she does too!! We are totally commited to one another and she is not attracted to men. I love her and she loves me more then anything in this world!!! We have been together for 9 years, married for 6 out of those 9 years. So what is your story? :)

Quote from: Hikari on August 17, 2011, 10:48:32 AM
I would just like to point out for clarities sake, that someone doesn't have to identify as gay or lesbian or even bi to be in a same sex relationship with a transperson that is or has transitioned. Plenty of people who are heterosexual have made an "exception" in the case of this person, since they love that person, not the parts between their legs.

I agree. :)

I have found that since my spouse (MTF) came out to me our attraction to one another has increased!!! My love for her runs super deep. I have a rather open mind and I can see myself with her till the end. Without getting to detailed, she is more into our "moments" then I have ever seen her before. Me the same... I do not consider myself a lesbian or bi-sexual just me loving my spouse unconditionally and learning our new journey of life.

We have pictures of us up in her "male" mode and I felt as if I would offend her if I kept them up, but she states, no please leave them up. I told her I am going to have the same feelings I had towards "her" as I had before. She is fine with this.

I consider them our "first life" together. Any pictures now, will be our "second life" together. This is how I can still accept looking at our old pictures and keeps me happy. I still get somewhat confused as to how I am supposed to feel BUT I will soon figure that out.

Hi Quirky;

I like the idea of having 2 lives together and trying to honour both. Think of it as two sides of the same coin. In the end, it still is one.

I know my wife and I are working toward my transition and she has been very supportive. I think we share a fairly similar outlook. We both love each other for who each other are. We have been through so much history together that we have developed solid communication skills. While we still make mistakes, we know that each others intent is always aimed at wanting the best for each other. I think that goodwill makes all the difference when this could be a time of doubts, uncertainty and suspicion.

All the best...

Hello grrl1inside;

Thank you for your kind words. My goal day to day is to find ways to treat this "new" parts of our lives like a new born child, nice and easy. My other goal is to stay with my spouse. I have no reasons to want to leave her. She has never given me any. She helped build a beautiful person out of me and I will try to do the same for her. I do have my bad days just like everyone else tho. I am glad you and your wife are doing well. How far along are you in your transition? Have you come out to family/friends/work yet? How did that go? We came out to our family and friends and our family still does talk to us so that is a wonderful sign. When she is full time I wanted to give her a professional makeover and then we can renew our vows as "wife & wife"..

Hi Quirky;

>>How far along are you in your transition?

I am in early days yet. I live in a very small rural town so I am cautious and have a lot of work to do in order to access resources. Where am I right now... Hmmmm... I'm making a few emails to a support group at the nearest very small city about whether they will have a meeting when I am in town for work. I also am hoping they can give me some advice about what laser hair removal place to access. My big first step was to go on finasteride to stop any further hair loss. I absolutely love the side benefits... I won't go into details, I'll just say that I don't have the same problem when I wake up in the morning... My wife is probably happy about that too...

>>Have you come out to family/friends/work yet?

The most important person bar none to come out to is my wife which I certainly did. One of the best things I ever did in my life. I am out to a few very close liberal friends. Most don't know.

I am not out to family and I honestly do struggle with this one. I believe that every person is different and I want to find ways to come out to them in a manner that will offer them the best means of coming to accept it without losing the relationship. I probably will begin HRT first. Realistically, my wife's family live on the other side of the Atlantic and I don't want to do it by phone!!! So, that will have to wait a year until our next seeing each other. My mom and most of my brothers and sisters live 12-13 hours away. We see them about once a year to two years for a few days top. Our relationship is already strained so I'm not sure what is the best means of doing it and whether quite frankly it is even worth bothering. With my father, he is the type of person that may respond postively to talking it through (straight out) but more than likely he would be far happier just seeing me grow my hair out, making positive life changes, seeing that my children are well, and then as part of that evolution talking it through honestly as he starts to connect the dots.

I am the one working right now, so I'm very careful about work because a lot hinges on me maintaining the income while my wife raises the children. That being said, I've made changes to feminise myselfat work while still being within the male spectrum but have definitely been noticed. I'm increasingly wearing clothing that is a bit ambiguous (e.g. open necked linen shirts with lighter colours), growing my hair out, have pink/orange/baby blue socks, etc. When chats come up that are typically not in the male terrain, I now freely participate. I am starting to bring in the odd "chick lit" book. They haven't figured it out, but I'm building a nice foundation so that I can come in and chat about it without it resulting in shock and animosity. I work in the social service field in a government branch that is unionised so I'm protected. Still, it could be uncomfortable if they wanted to make it so. I am careful because although the small community I live in is fairly liberal, there are those within it that are NOT. The local women's shelter ran a fund raising even where people cross-dressed and there were death threats.

>>When she is full time I wanted to give her a professional makeover and then we can renew our vows as "wife & wife"..

My wife and I joke about getting a divorce so we can get handfasted as wife and wife... Then we can be out both as lesbians and pagans...  ;D

All the best to both of you.

Hugs

It all sounds like you are being very careful of ALL of your decisions. That is a wonderful way of going about transitioning. My spouse and I have had a strong relationship before she started her transition. We live in Las Vegas. The Anti Discrimination Law for transgender will be affective in October of this year. My spouse works for the union as an electrician. She is the boss and has just received a company van. Wonderful news for us. We are trying to make alot of money here so we can have more money for what ever come our way. She is not out at work but has told a few ppl she has worked with. Everyone is really nice to her, she still looks male mainly because of her "5 o'clock shadow" she was 211 lbs in May and now is 178.. I am proud of her!! What government branch do you work for? I work for the Rehabilitation Division, State of Nevada, in Accounting. I have told about 12 ppl about my spouse.

I am to the point that I am fine with her transition and I am not going to make it a crisis situation. LOL No need for that she is not true to me and her as well, let her spirit shine!! I do struggle on certain things but it is workable. What town do you live in? She is working on laser hair removal on her face and chest. She has started the derma roller. She has alot of acne scars, so we are trying to smooth out her face. I have noticed she does look ALOT younger as well because of the hormones.

Lol... Yes careful about all decisions. In this case, it has been good because it has given us time to adjust and we have a wee one to think about too. My carefulness, risk averse nature is not always a blessing.

Technically, my province (basically = to a state) has not added transexuality as a protection, but the law has in effect provided a fair bit of protections for sexuality under the human rights charter. One day I will come out at work if I still work iwhere I do. I would prefer to write or find a way to work from home... We'll see. In the meantime, I work for Dept of Social Development. I won't say where because it would be a dead giveaway of my identity and unfortunately there are safety concerns.

I used to weight 236lbs and am down to 186lbs so I know how much work it is to lose weight and I can appreciate why you are so proud of your spouse. I think happiness since I've come out has allowed that to be possible. And looking a lot younger... Oooohhh, I like that idea.  ;)

I thank you very much for the chat.. I am taking each day as each day. I know I do love my spouse to death, but sometimes when I think of our future and if ppl are going to be too cruel to her or I, it tends to make me rather unhappy. So I will discuss this with our therapist on my next appointment. Do you mind if I ask how old you are? I am 28 and my partner is 33 years old. Only reason I ask is you stated you have a little one..

I am 39 and my spouse turns 39 next month. Our little one is 3 and 3/4 and our second is due in a month. A day at a time is always a good thing... I like to always find something good about each day. I try my best to celebrate it early just after I wake up by lighting a few candles and just meditating and giving thanks in my own little way. It gives me a lot of resources for the day to come. Dealing with clients permanently in crisis, throws of addiction, fleeing abuse, or just out of prison can be an energy sapper. 

I don't think there is anything wrong about being unhappy about cruelty... What is perhaps more disturbing is how many don't bat an eyelid about cruelty in all its forms. Hopefully, since you are already out to so many, there are a few supporters around you. If so, then maybe in the midst of those who are unkind you can grab on to those who have helped on your family journey.

Take care...