Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My boyfriend is an FTM and I'm madly head over heels at this point.  We talk non-stop and have a high passion for each other.  We haven't met in person yet, though we will in just a few days (I'm so excited/nervous!).   

My concern is that he.. only wants to have sex with a strap on.  Now, while I have NO issue with the strap on or anything, I get really upset when I realize I don't really know how to please *him*  Ideally, I'd like him to understand that his body has no affect on him being a male to me, or anything such as that.  I would like him to understand that even if I see/feel/whatever what he has down there, he's my man.

What can I do?  I have told him these things, and he is really grateful.  I don't want sex to be a one-way thing..

My first piece of advice is to get to know him in person first before even thinking about sex.....or sex if you are into the hook up thing.

I only bring this up because you say you're madly in love with him and he's your boyfriend but you never "met" him yet.

The internet is amazing at editing out "the flaws" in a person. I would think it would be best to know him on the face to face level before discussing sexual techniques if you're heart is that much involved with him.

Just my Opinion

Also, to answer your question (sorry), don't go down there unless he tells you to.  My boyfriend has been with me for 6 months and i wont let him touch it. I just wont. Everyone is different but if I were you, I wouldnt even bring it up with him until he brings it up. If he doesn't ask you to do things "down there" then don't initiate it.

But yeah, meet the real him first ;)

I see what you're saying there.  As of now we talk all the time on the phone and stuff.  It just upsets me to think that might not be an option or something.  IDK..

Quote from: Halo on August 20, 2011, 10:03:46 PM
I see what you're saying there.  As of now we talk all the time on the phone and stuff.  It just upsets me to think that might not be an option or something.  IDK..

Im not trying to sound blunt so please don't get me wrong.

If it upsets you to think that you wont be able to touch his vayjayjay if he doesn't want it to be touched, then you should really think about the relationship before it gets even deeper.

I know many transmen who just wont allow their girlfriends or boyfriends to go down there at all. To some transmen, a vayjayjay represents EVERYTHING female.

It isn't that I want to touch it >.<  It's that I want to be able to please him as well, and don't know how to do so really.

im sure he has ideas in mind, whatever his convictions are ;)

Just... is there a chance I won't ever really get to, in some way?  Is that pretty common?  I don't know the sex lives of any transmen :P  I'm also a little nervous to ask my boyfriend because I don't want to put any pressure on it.

to be honest, you got to really get to know him to find that out. Everyone is different sexually.

Does he live near you? Go out for a cup of coffee and talk about things and how you are confused with some trans issues.

Yup, we're going on our first date soon!  We've talked over a LOT of things, and I'm comfortable with him. 

Oops, wasn't done.  I just don't know how to bring up this, because I don't want him to feel pressured into anything like that, if he doesn't want it.  I'm not even sure what  'like that' is.

Quote from: Annah on August 20, 2011, 09:33:41 PM
My first piece of advice is to get to know him in person first before even thinking about sex.....or sex if you are into the hook up thing.

From reading this thread this quote is worth repeating. With things like this you just have to take time and let them work themselves out. I would say simply don't bring it up, not now anyway. Frankly I would feel pressured if someone wanted to talk about sex on the first date, regardless of trans issues. It may seem like a big deal now, but I think once you have been together for a good while it will be only a minor issue.

Hi Halo,

Is this a deal breaker for you? There are some trans men (and some women - stone butches) who don't want anything to do with that area during sex. If he's not into it, it's probably best to figure out whether you could live with that or not instead of holding out hope for that type of action.

Also keep in mind that this may have nothing to do with you or how much you accept him and see him as a man. Depending on his level of dysphoria, he may prefer to forget the area exists altogether even in his alone time. And he may have great difficulty deriving pleasure from it. Or he may feel good during and then crash into deep depression afterwards. (Which is why making a move down there could be problematic)

A lot of good advice has already been given about not bringing this up right away. Even though I have no problem with that type of *action* myself, I'd probably be weirded out if someone asked that on a first meeting or thereabouts. I think your intentions are good and your concerns valid, but you don't want to come off too interested in the one part of him that's still 'female'. If you catch my drift. He may be okay with it, he may not. But seeming concerned about it right off may make him question why you're interested in him. I would wait awhile.

Good luck with your date!  :)

This is not a dealbreaker for me.  I really care about him, it was more.. something that had crossed my mind and that I wasn't certain about.  I wanted to have as much information as I could about it.

I'm just a nervous person, period.  I overthink everything :P

Thanks everyone for all the advice.  My biggest concern right now is our first date, none of this matters.   I sure hope it goes well!! 

Hi Halo,
Just thought I'd give my advice as an FTM.
I prefer not to have my downstairs dealt with as things are at the moment, but that said, I am completely satisfied by my partner.
We use a 'tool' called a 'share' by lovehoney, a cheaper version of what's called a feeldoe, some guys aren't cool with penetration, fair enough, but for us it's perfect.
I can easily come with my girlfriend as can she, she can even give me hand jobs and ->-bleeped-<-s just like a bioguy
That said, I'd enjoy sex with my girlfriend with a strap on, as you see it just for your pleasure, for me 90% of enjoyment for sex is making sure my girlfriend is enjoying herself, pretty sure I could get off from that alone!
So yeh, I'd say things will naturally flow into what you both are comfortable with, but I'm sure you'll be able to more than satisfy him :)
If you guys are able to be open with each other it'll really help, and as long as you can assure him he's your man I'm sure he'll be able to say what he enjoys, and if not you'll soon be able to find out :)

Hello Halo.

I just wanted to put my opinion in as someone who identifies as male to female.

I have a female partner (with OEM equipment) and nothing pleases me more then taking care of her needs. More often then not she will be the only one that "completes" and always asks "how about you?" when she is ready. She never complains if I say no, or even makes a second attempt. She asks once and leaves it at that.

If he wants something out of you he'll let you know. If he gets mad because you don't feel comfortable enough with something then I'd question his intentions for the relationship.

I would also recommend prepairing yourself for the possibility that if he agrees to 'explore' what might work for him to allow you to pleasure him, he might ask you to stop. I wouldn't take this as a personal hint regarding your abilities, but more with his comfort level.

Quote from: Halo on August 20, 2011, 10:07:27 PM
It isn't that I want to touch it >.<  It's that I want to be able to please him as well, and don't know how to do so really.

I knew what you meant.  It always depends on the person, he may get more comfortable with you touching his body, he may not.  You should talk with him and ask him if there is anyway that you can do anything to please him without making him uncomfortable.  He may get his pleasure in pleasing you, or you can do other things to him like kiss etc while he finishes himself off.

You should also be sure to ask him which words you should use to refer to parts of his body, never call it by any female terms unless he specifically tells you he doesn't mind.

First, a question for Elliot:  Would it be terribly odd if I asked you to send me a link to that tool you refer to?

Second, and update.

He's rather amazing.. he bought be flower, and it was super cute!

When it came to.. relations.. I didn't push anything at all.  I let him sorta.. take the lead.  And it was really great.  But then later when we were talking he admitted he doesn't consider it sex because.. he can't feel anything?  Or that he's a little confused because he does feel like we're "being intimate" but that it's just.. not sex? 

I said.. "I don't know what to do."

And he said, "Me neither.."

So... any advice?  More so for him now, than me?  He seems just as confused.

Another girl(male to female) here. You should be aware that just applying touch to the nerves "down there" isn't enough. Sex is both in the mind and the body. I recently had my first experience(I'm 30 if that gives you a hint how complex this subject can be). It was with another girl(gg). After we tried a number of things that I liked emotionally but just weren't providing enough physical stimulation I gave up and while she was out of the room completely took off the last of my clothes then laid on my belly so she couldn't see. I then tried not to cringe too much while she... handled(*cringes*). That was NOT effective at all, less so than what was emotionally pleasing. I don't know what it will take for me to have a satisfying experience in bed(still have ideas) or what your guy needs. However I can say that doing stuff to him down there isn't the answer if he can't enjoy it emotionally. Let him decide what he wants to try and be very patient with him. It can be a complicated thing finding an enjoyable sexual experience in the wrong body.

Renee, that was brave of you, I think.  I'm sorry it didn't work out and I wish you luck in finding something that works out for you.  I must say though, I bet she felt very honored that you were willing to even try something like that with her, just because of how much you must trust her to do so.

My boyfriend is FTM and it wasn't an instant thing for him either, he refused at first, but one night, he just let me, and ever since we've had a fantastic sex life. I think it's just when he feels comfortable enough with himself, or with himself around you, he might be a little more open. Keep in mind, this is just my experience, so it may be different for you. I see you posted this awhile ago, let me know how things are going? :)

My girlfriend is trans (MtF), and in my experience, it is actually really important to dare to openly talk about these issues. At first I did not really dare bring up my questions and the things I was uncertain about or struggled with, as I was so afraid that I would hurt her in any way. It is my experience now that if you keep it close to yourself, you can talk about these issues without hurting the other (or inducing their dysphoria). For example, you could tell your boyfriend that you feel sad about the prospect of (maybe) not being able to give him pleasure, because it is something you find very valuable when having sex with somebody. You could add that at the same time you find it very important to respect his limits. You could make it clear that it is something that YOU experience as a problem, and that the solution is not necessarily that he should do something he doesn't want to. I think this way, you can talk about what bothers you while at the same time respecting his bodily integrity. So I don't agree with people who say that you should not bring this up! These issues are sensitive, true, but if you are in a relationship you should be able to talk about intimate things (in a respectful manner).