Susan's Place Transgender Resources

"When you are ready to lose everything, you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you have to be prepared to do so."

Those are the words of my therapist, back when I first started seeing her.  Very true, but also very sad.

I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

There were other reasons, but those were the biggies.  Well, obviously those reasons didn't stop me.  #1, 5 and especially 6 weren't true.  #4 might be true only when read.  #2 & 3 pretty much came true.  But despite all that I could never go back to a male life, not even if I could erase my being TG from the memory of all who know, as if all this never happened.  Sure, it would be wonderful to sit with my kids and talk like we used to.  But eventually I'd start feeling depressed and losing my will to live again.  So I'll keep on this path.

What stopped you or what is stopping you from transitioning?

Julie

"I can't do this to my wife."

That was the ultimate showstopper.

Everything else you list fell... one by one... as the desperation grew. They STILL all concern me, but... YOU know how it goes. I'll figure it out as I go.

Kate

"I can't do this to my wife"?  I may sound a little harsh, but she does have choices in this matter. If you are going through the hell that I have gone through all my life, there was no choice for me, except maybe trying to kill my self again. I think I would have succeeded on the next try. I loved my wife very much and we talked about all this and what our options were. She loved me too, but it took a while to finally accept that she really did love me and was not feeling sorry for me. She has said that she lost her husband, OK, what is a husband? I let her have that one, but what she really lost was a penis. Now, I might get criticised for that, but really what is a husband, what is a wife? If my wife had her breasts removed and her vagina sewed shut and she lost her hormones and had to start shaving like some women do when they get older, would I have lost a wife? NO!!! She is still there, we are two people who love each other in sickness and in health, til death do us part. I know it is hard and I went through a lot of pain and my wife went through more pain than I did but we love each other. We did not give up on the other. We still go to the grocery store and argue on what to buy for dinner. She still tells me to slow down to 10mph under the speed limit in the mountains but she won't drive. She still has more clothes than me and shoes. We do agree on the toilet seat. We still have our coffee at night and talk. She is my best friend and I know that I'm her best friend. We will grow old and cranky together. OK, stepping off the huge soap box and falling on my face while doing so.
Love Sheila

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 01:33:31 PM
"I can't do this to my wife"?  I may sound a little harsh, but she does have choices in this matter. If you are going through the hell that I have gone through all my life, there was no choice for me...

Me neither.

I eventually started my transition, but "I can't do this to my wife..." was the last reason to be consumed by the GID. I bloody near killed myself over it just to avoid having to choose between my marriage/wife and transitioning. God... I've never been so sick in my life as I was back then. Stomach pain to the point of being curled into a fetal position, throwing up, missing work, headaches... it was awful, the most miserable time ever.

But I broke, eventually. It was inevitable, as most of you already know, having faced these same things.

She DID lose her husband though. I'm not HIM. I realize many people say they didn't change when they transitioned, only the outer appearance did. Well, I've changed. Or evolved. Or emerged. Call it what you will, but the person she married no longer exists according to my wife. It's not the physical changes, it's the emotional and behavioral ones. I, Kate, basically had to decide to kill her husband... or actually it was more like HE commited spiritual suicide to allow Kate out - but either way I knew I was taking away the "man" she loved. Whether that was an illusion or not, it was one she believed in.

It's a terrible thing to crush someone else's dreams.

Kate

Quote
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

1, 3, 4, 5 and "I can't do this to my wife."

2, I am not sure on.
6, No, I really can't I don't think.  I can exist, but not live, if that makes sense.

It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.
Because, despite the fact that I told her prior to our marriage, I did say 'I do' and give my vow 'until death parts us.'

Besides, it's all going to be over at some point, and we'll all have a big laugh, or no laugh at all, depending on what happens next.
I just have to be patient.

That's my rational for not transitioning.
It's far easier to sleep through life or get through the day any way I can and wait for the inevitable.

Jessica

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.

The thing is, I realized I already HAD "done this to my wife" as of the day we got married.

Kate

So who is the same person they were when they get married. When I started my transitioning I was married 30 years. Do you think that we had both changed in some ways. Yes, that is grabbing for straws, but it is the truth, we are not the same as when we got married. I still haven't heard the difinition of husband or wife? I know the arguement is fruitless, but to me it has merit. Who is the husband or wife in a same sex marriage. If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts, it is what is in your heart. I have heard that story over and over and when it comes down to it, it is all about body parts. Yes my body has changed, my soul hasn't. When I had surgery it didn't change everything about me. When I started hormones, it didnt change everything about me. I'm more emotional now and I'm pretty much the same as before. I have always looked at both genders, just didn't admit it til now. Will I go after anyone in particular, NO. I'm married and I have no desire to stray. If Pat and I were to ever divorce, I would not hook up with anyone. I really only like my mate and I know things change so never say never. OK, I got into one of those posts that I can't let go of. I'm getting off the box now.
Sheila

7/ For those with children:

What will it do to my children ?

Are my needs more than theirs ?

What right do I have to cause them anguish and suffering ?

What would I do for them ?

Ruth

Woah, that is... interesting.

Quote1. I'll never pass.

I do not care.

Quote2. I'll be rejected by my family.

They are the only ones on this planet who could have slowed me down.

Quote3. I'll be rejected by my friends.

Friends?

Quote4. I'll be a freak in society.

^{*grins evilly*}

Quote5. I don't have the courage.

^*shrug* Do or die. That is what it was getting to; As Leigh has said; When in a burning building trying to escape that is not courage.

Quote6. I can live okay without transitioning.

I wish.


BUT, then again when I broke there was nothing that was going to stop me. NOTHING. Yes, I am that heartless and cruel. But then again, it is my life and I have to do what I can to make amends.

Quote"I can't do this to my wife."

In my case that was Fiancée. ^*shrug* Of all the people around she deserved the most honesty, and no, she could not have slowed me down. Not yet.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
6, No, I really can't I don't think.  I can exist, but not live, if that makes sense.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
I did say 'I do' and give my vow 'until death parts us.'

Look at what you just said. Existence is not life. Yes, existence is exactly what my life was. So, as I see it, I can say this with some knowledge on the matter.

Jessica, you are already dead.

But you are still alive enough to do something about that.

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
Besides, it's all going to be over at some point, and we'll all have a big laugh, or no laugh at all, depending on what happens next.
I just have to be patient.

That's my rational for not transitioning.
It's far easier to sleep through life or get through the day any way I can and wait for the inevitable.

Jessica

So true... But again, it being patient and existing is not life.

Quote from: Kate on February 23, 2007, 02:30:21 PM

Quote from: Jessica on February 23, 2007, 02:14:37 PM
It's not "I can't do this to my wife"
It's more like, I won't.

The thing is, I realized I already HAD "done this to my wife" as of the day we got married.

Kate

An As smarty pants Kate just said.

Neither of you, ANY OF US, are the 'men' the wives married.

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 02:50:37 PM
If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts...

^*smile* An smarty Sheila too!

Quote
7/ For those with children:

For me, my view is kids need a parent, not a corpse.


^*shrug*
Just my thoughts on the matter.

Interesting....
I have no wife so that is not a listed item for me but i have many.......
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
.........................................
1,000.
1,001.
1,002.......................
and as Kimberly would shyly state..
"shrug"
xo
Ricki

Here were my reasons for delaying transition.

1. I'll never pass.
2. My friends will reject me.
3. I'm too smart to be a Jerry Springer looking freak (mean, but honest)
4. I'll miss my penis and sex
5. Don't I like girls? I think I like girls.

All of these were hubris. I ALWAYS pass, my friends respect me, I look normal, I would do GRS today if I could and MAN do I not like girls sexually.

Bri

Here were my reasons for delaying transition: (Many of them could be combined into one word: FEAR).

1. My family wouldn't approve and will think I'm crazy.
2. I was afraid to tell a doctor or a therapist, because I thought they'd tell me I was insane and lock me up.
3. I wasn't entirely convinced that this was something people can actually do...what if I decided to go ahead with it and discovered that they didn't do that sort of treatment anymore?
4. I didn't have any confidence in myself or my thoughts and feelings...I wasn't entirely convinced that I hadn't just talked myself into being transsexual from reading all those articles and books and websites about it.  What if I was wrong?

In 2003, once I realized that these feelings were never going to go away, I started seriously researching what I could do.  I figured that at the most, I'd end up finding someone who'd talk me out of the idea.  Then after my mother passed away later that year, and my family started to drift apart, I had no more people to put their needs ahead of mine anymore, and I figured, "If I'm going to have to start a new life, why not do so on my own terms?"  I wiil also add that I had a lot of help from friends I met online, I don't think I would have been able to give myself that needed push without them.

Lot of good reasons above  - many apply to me as to why I should not even consider transistion. What I would add is:

1) I would loss triathlon.  - There would be many months when I would not be able to train and that would not be very nice
2) I am not Feminine enough (sorry Kate - it is just how I feel).

Alice

Quote from: Sheila on February 23, 2007, 02:50:37 PM
If you love someone, it doesn't have to do with your body parts, it is what is in your heart.

What if you discovered that your wife was actually your long-lost biological sister?

That's kinda how I got past "I can't do this to my wife." Our love didn't change, but the *context* did - or in our case we realized we always HAD been best girlfriends, and no amount of wishing and hoping was going to twist that into a heterosexual "marriage." In fact, pursuing that delusion was just forcing us farther and farther apart as the resentment grew between us. Things were getting *worse* with each passing year, not better.

Right or wrong, my wife wanted a heterosexual sex life and traditional male/female marriage roles. It's not that she doesn't love me as a person, but she wanted and expected to *relate* to me within that context... and it just never happened. Being married to me ALMOST seems improper now, as if we did discover we were sisters.

Kate

Should I answer this thread?  >:D  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single valid reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tinkerbell on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM
Should I answer this thread?  >:D  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Thats not nice. I have been thinking about nothing latly except if I should transistion. Sometimes I just want to start the process tomorrow so I can get it out of the way. Other times I just do not want to go through the process at all. I can accept my brain is female or party female - does that mean I should transistion. Only time will tell.

Alice

Quote from: Alice on February 23, 2007, 09:48:12 PM

Quote from: Tinkerbell on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM
Should I answer this thread?  >:D  I think most of you know how I feel about this.

There isn't a single reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one! Selfish?  Hey this is our life; we are responsible for our own happiness and perhaps this will be the only chance we have.  There! I said it!


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Thats not nice. I have been thinking about nothing latly except if I should transistion. Sometimes I just want to start the process tomorrow so I can get it out of the way. Other times IO just do not want to go through the process at all. I can accept my brain is female or party female - does that mean I should transistion. Only time will tell.

Alice

Alice, that is my personal view; that's how I really feel.  If I were to say otherwise, I wouldn't be telling the truth.  Sorry hon, it wasn't said to be mean, just honest.


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Bri

Quote from: Brianna on February 23, 2007, 10:18:07 PM
I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Yep. You got it.

It's not so much a matter of "should," having no excuses, or having no fear. The scary fact is YOU WILL do it, sooner or later, regardless of the reasons currently holding you back.

The REAL reason, IMHO, people don't transition is because they're holding onto the NOT YET excuse. They say "I can't," but what they mean is NOT YET. Maybe in the next life, maybe my wife will come around, maybe when the kids grow up... as long as that hope remains alive, they feel they can afford to delay the inevitable.

You don't decide to transition. You can only decide NOT to, using these "reasons" to buy another day.

But GID has infinite patience. It has no compassion, no mercy, no sense of fairplay... it will relentlessly increase the pressure until you break, you stop "deciding," and your life finally unfolds from that cramped, miserable existence into the person you were meant to be all along.

Kate

Quote from: Brianna on February 23, 2007, 10:18:07 PM
I agree with tink. All transsexuals transition or die  - or possibly end up very closeted, miserable and Fred Phelps-esque.

No reasons not to. No excuses. No fear.

It doesn't matter how you look either. Some of us end up pretty and perfectly passable, some of us can't pass in the dark. It's immaterial.

Bri

And many do die..... Suicide is a viable option for many people.

The prospect of doing something so scary and unknown can push people to the point of no return, lets never forget that.

Some people cannot face the prospect of transition.

Buffy

For Me the reasons were that I was living with my folks and I was trying to please them, I was also scared and I didn't want to admit to myself that I was anything more than just a Cross dresser , but then I reach my 32nd Birthday and I felt I could not live my life this way any more and decided that I had to start living my life as a woman or kill myself (Which, thank god I didn't), since doing this I have left home, lost weight, gained confidence, I am a lot more social, I am doing better in job interviews, I am happier, overall I am now a better person, my sister, my uncle who lives close to town, my friends, my sister's friends, friends of the family, and other people in town all seem to agree with this.

Hugs Sharon

Reasons why I can't transition:

1)  I don't have enough shoes
2)  My wardrobe won't carry me through more than a few days.
3)  My *real* hair isn't long/full enough to style properly (unless I *want* to look like Joan Jett).

... yet!

All those other issues are behind me.

-Sandy (Do you know how hard it is to find 13W women's shoes?)

Quote from: Julie Marie on February 23, 2007, 11:54:52 AM

I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

At one point, all of these were true for me.  I now pass 100% of the time, my family loves me, a few "friends" walked
but the rest stayed.  I am anything but a freak.  I HAD the courage I finally discovered and my other option, living okay
without transitioning was driving me to suicide. 

I am SO happy I transitioned.

Dawn

Quote from: Kate on February 23, 2007, 10:49:19 PM
...GID has infinite patience. It has no compassion, no mercy, no sense of fairplay... it will relentlessly increase the pressure until you break, you stop "deciding," and your life finally unfolds from that cramped, miserable existence into the person you were meant to be all along.

You have put that very well, the pressure just keeps increasing, and not just before you decide to transition, but also once you have decided to transition, with each new step I have taken, that pressure comes back to take the next one and the next one...I wouldn't wish GID on anyone.

1. I'll never pass.
I'll look about 10 if I try now.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
I'm too young and dependant to deal with that now, but in the future I am willing to lose them, if I have to.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
Some of them, definitetly.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
Yes, and I go to a small school in a small town.
5. I don't have the courage.
Again, yes.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.
For now. Maybe even for another decade, if circumstances make it neccessary... but I can't really know what I will feel so far in the future.

Quote from: Kassandra on February 24, 2007, 12:20:31 AM
-Sandy (Do you know how hard it is to find 13W women's shoes?)

Oh I feel your pain! 11.5W ain't easy either. I've bought and returned three pairs in two weeks now. Just CANNOT find something comfy.

More:

- I'm too tall!
- My face is too masculine!
- I've lost too much hair!
- TSism is really just some quirky psychological problem that can be "cured!"
- My voice will always give me away!
- I'll be homeless and jobless and die in a gutter somewhere!
- No one will EVER see me as a woman anyway!

Kate

Quote from: Kassandra on February 24, 2007, 12:20:31 AM
Reasons why I can't transition:

1)  I don't have enough shoes
2)  My wardrobe won't carry me through more than a few days.
3)  My *real* hair isn't long/full enough to style properly (unless I *want* to look like Joan Jett).

... yet!

All those other issues are behind me.

-Sandy (Do you know how hard it is to find 13W women's shoes?)

I went full time with only the clothes I was wearing, I went out as myself for the first time and just thought "well screw going back" and I just didn't. I still only have one pair of shoes (flat broke at the mo) the day after I went out in the same clothes I bought a bunch enough for three days, then two days later I bought enough for a week.


There wasn't a reason in the world, I did everything very quickly started HRT two weeks after my 18th, went FT about 7 weeks later once i'd got around to telling the people who needed to know, it was all fairly trivial and now I'm wondering what all the fuss was about

I agree with whats been said a transexual will allways trasition.

The GID isn't killing me yet. Close but not yet.
When I came out it gave the the energy to live anothert day.
I work in a male dominated industry
I cant afford to do it.

I love my wife so much If I transition I loose her. She only wants a normal hetrosexual relationship.

This is my list but you know I wish I could transition to befor I waist tomuch time.

LUCY

my [excuses] were;

my parents, my brother, my family
my gf
my job
the costs involved
lack of courage
fear of the unknown

::)

tinkerbell's a trouble maker.. nanana..na... :icon_blah:
We're being honest well here goes:
there's nothing wrong with dying................
everyone one of us is going to die at some point it's human biology.
so questions beg to be asked, why do we feel that its not up to us to decide this, that nature - biology must or that a religious God must?
My perspective:
sorry i would rather be dead and blissfull (assuming that is what dead is like) as opposed to enduring a transition that promises nothing concrete or does not hold the perfect biological statsis i should have been born with in the first place.
that is my crux: you can pop the pills, cut the skin, implant the gels, remove the skins, exercise, align fat cells, and in the end you still have a non perfect (not created by nature biologically) body manipulated by man....
and you do not have the ability to rear a child, have a natural period or internal developement, etc..
I'd be an ugly woman with big shoulders and maybe nice legs.. who knew?
:icon_blahblah:
There i typed it / said it!
As always endearing hugs and kisses....... :icon_kiss:
Ricki

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PM
sorry i would rather be dead and blissfull (assuming that is what dead is like) as opposed to enduring a transition that promises nothing concrete or does not hold the perfect biological statsis i should have been born with in the first place.
that is my crux: you can pop the pills, cut the skin, implant the gels, remove the skins, exercise, align fat cells, and in the end you still have a non perfect (not created by nature biologically) body manipulated by man....
and you do not have the ability to rear a child, have a natural period or internal developement, etc..

I'd rather stay amongst the living as long as I possibly can; I'll take that imperfect womanhood over the constant torment of living a life that feels wrong and dealing with the constant "push, push, push" of GID that some days makes me feel like I'm slowly losing my mind.

while I respect your dicision et all ricki that's just not what it's about, natal women all over the world have bodies just as "artificial" as ours as long as on a day to day basis it's vaugely normal what does it matter? The main reason for transition for me is being able to finally fit in properly to feel socially comfortable in ways I never had before to be who I am not hide away just because I rubbed society up the wrong way as male. it has nothing to do with clothes, nothing to do with sex and little to do with ones physical body, it it was an illusion and there was just a hologram or something of a woman over me and if physically I could never be remotely female I would still feel content in my life.

Personally, I feel that there is nothing that should stop your from transitioning.  Yes, there are obstacles to overcome and there are things that can make it difficult but as I think Tinkerbell said - its your life !!  Yes, people could say its being selfish but is it ?  There are just times you have to do the right thing for yourself and forget about everyone else.

We are all going to die at somepoint but is that really the best way to look at life ?  Transitioning isn't all doom and gloom !!  Agreed, there are certain things it can't give you but there is so much it can give you, although what is gives us may differ from person to person as we aren't all the same.  As I say, I understand it can be hard but when you see how much death, famine and poverty there is in the world do most of us really have it so bad ?  Maybe I just don't get it or have I just got the wrong end of the stick again ?  :)

Becky
xx

Quote from: Julie Marie on February 23, 2007, 11:54:52 AM

...
I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning....

And if anyone used any of these points as a reason not to transition then they are not TS, the only valid reason why a TS could not transition would be due to medical reasons and then that would only apply to HRT and GRS.  The points listed above are definitely hurdles that most TS must deal with but they are by no means barriers to transition.

1. You don't have to look like a goddess there are plenty of females in this world who were blessed with  less than perfect looks.  And looks have absolutely nothing to do with being a woman.  But that was covered in another thread.

2. You have to remember transition is about you not about others and all I have to say is that if family rejects you then so be it, being alive is still better than being dead.  If family does reject you then it's up to us to win them back.  Sadly this is not possible but it shouldn't stop us from trying.  The hardest to loose is our children and it breaks my heart that it happens but I know for myself that even had I known that my daughter would disown me prior to transition would not have stopped me.

3. Being rejected by your friends is probably the lamest excuse out there.  Simply put if these "friends" reject you then they are obviously not your friends but merely acquaintances who are easily replaceable.

4. Society is a collection of freaks, some are more freakier than others that's why we tend to mix with our own kind and keep those other freaks away from us.  This is a no starter.

5. It doesn't take courage to transition, transition is driven from the inside by an overwhelming desire that nothing can stop.  As Leigh once said "It doesn't take courage to run from a burning building when all you are doing is saving your life, it takes courage to stop and help save others lives".

6. And if you can live OK without transitioning then you are not TS, period, and don't bother telling me that there are varying degrees of TS, cause it doesn't wash.

"Transsexuals will transition" ~ Steph - March 14^th, 2006 - https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2610.0.html

Steph

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PM
tinkerbell's a trouble maker.. nanana..na... :icon_blah:
We're being honest well here goes:
there's nothing wrong with dying................
everyone one of us is going to die at some point it's human biology.
so questions beg to be asked, why do we feel that its not up to us to decide this, that nature - biology must or that a religious God must?
My perspective:
sorry i would rather be dead and blissfull (assuming that is what dead is like)

1. living isn't letting nature decide when you die. Nature is always trying to kill us living is fighting nature to live. Suicide is giving up the fight.

2. Can't be blissful when your dead any more than you can be happy you simply "aren't"... anything.

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PMas opposed to enduring a transition that promises nothing concrete or does not hold the perfect biological statsis i should have been born with in the first place.

1. Real life is far from perfect.

2. Why give up the fight before you've tried to win?

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PMthat is my crux: you can pop the pills, cut the skin, implant the gels, remove the skins, exercise, align fat cells, and in the end you still have a non perfect (not created by nature biologically) body manipulated by man....
and you do not have the ability to rear a child, have a natural period or internal developement, etc..

This could be applied to alot of GG's

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PMI'd be an ugly woman with big shoulders and maybe nice legs.. who knew?

That description sounds familiar did I dance with you last night? and if so which ugly broad shouldered woman were you?

If it comes down to transition or death what do you have to lose by trying before giving up?

If your giving up because transition yields an imperfect result what did you want to achieve from transition?

I consider myself the queen of excuses and bargaining regarding transitioning and acknowledging my truths inside. So, I've been down every one of the excuses listed. Now I'm onto another one: Why invest in a depreciating asset? This body is getting older. I will die. Time passes quickly. If I transition, do all the actions, operations, hormones, life changes, then what will I have.. after all the ungodly financial investments, ego investments, humiliations galore? Be an ugly scary dude in a dress. Yeah, sounds good.
But still I get lasered, go to the psychologist.. bargain with myself.. yeah, it's just in case I decide to transition. No harm done, just in case.. LOL! I crack myself up! So full of BS!

Quote from: Tara on February 25, 2007, 11:13:08 AM
Why invest in a depreciating asset?

For the tax deduction?

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PM
tinkerbell's a trouble maker.. nanana..na... :icon_blah:

;D...Just being honest hon.  I know that I can be a bit stern at times and say things that people don't want to hear, but ....?  :D

Quote from: RickiWe're being honest well here goes:
there's nothing wrong with dying................
everyone one of us is going to die at some point it's human biology.

Well, personally I don't want to die, not just yet.  Sometimes I look back at those times when I tried to end it all.  What a coward, stupid person I was! What would have happened if I had succeded? Yes, I would be ashes by now, but I would have lost my greatest opportunity to be who I am today.  There is nothing wrong with dying naturally, it is part of the human experience; however, when "we decide" to end it all because we "think" that there isn't another way out; that is when dying becomes the biggest mistake that "we" can make.

Quote from: Rickisorry i would rather be dead and blissfull (assuming that is what dead is like) as opposed to enduring a transition that promises nothing concrete or does not hold the perfect biological statsis i should have been born with in the first place.
that is my crux: you can pop the pills, cut the skin, implant the gels, remove the skins, exercise, align fat cells, and in the end you still have a non perfect (not created by nature biologically) body manipulated by man....

If that manipulation is done to prevent me from dying, I would do it all over again in a second.  No one can promise us anything, Ricki; we just make it happen or we don't.  It is our responsibility to try to make our lives as happy as we can; it is not the doctors', the SRS surgeons', our therapists', it is ours. 

The key here is to find our own happiness; I know I have found mine. :)


tinkerbell :icon_chick:

There are any number of things that hold us back.  And not one of you has ever been able to adequately describe the fundamental and instinctive "need" to be female (or male to suit your case).  It is not a decision to be made.  It simply is. We can not adequately describe the benefit even when the deed is done. This is a problem.  I'm going to write about this some day.... it's just that words strong enough don't exist.

The drive will push you through the barriers one by one.  If you are, then the barriers will not stand in the way.  It is not a question of will, finances, family aproval, or anything else.  If surgery were not available I would very likely have self castrated, I am confident that I would still be living my life as I am... as a female.

When someone tells me that they can't move on due to financial, religious, or family reasons, I know it is because they either are not TS or they haven't come to self realization.  I hesitate to push them forward or hold them back.  Each reason listed must be dealt with in some way.

In most cases, there are no valid reasons holding you back.  Go ahead, list them.  If you are TS, you will work through them or find a workable compromise.

Many of us here have walked the path. We've dealt with the very issues you have.  We've faced them down, we've dealt with them, we've vanquished most.  We've lived frugally to save money.  We've found a second job.  We quit buying toys.  We worked endlessly with our families and have given up on our church (not necessarily our faith).

For those of you who can't manage to give up everything you hold dear and cast it to the wind, this journey is not for you.  Sorry... I don't intend to be mean.  But that's how it is.

Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 25, 2007, 05:03:49 PM

When someone tells me that they can't move on due to financial, religious, or family reasons, I know it is because they either are not TS or they haven't come to self realization.  I hesitate to push them forward or hold them back.  For those reasons they have listed must be dealt with in some way.
.
.
.
For those of you who can't manage to give up everything you hold dear and cast it to the wind, this journey is not for you.  Sorry... I don't intend to be mean.  But that's how it is.

Cindi

Thanks Cindi. I am in that process know - figuring out where I need to go. I think the most important thing in this whole process is the self-discory. People need to relise who they are at their own pace. If you try and push someone they will only push back. Guild people at their own pace is the only way for people to get through this.

Alice

Cindi,
   I like what you say. I have always thought there were some TS's that are still TS but don't want the surgery. I know for myself that surgery to be complete had to happen. I don't believe anymore that you don't need to have surgery to be TS. Unless there was a medical condition, like what Steph has said, you need to transition. I'm not saying that you need facial reconstruction and breash enhancement, but SRS is the surgery for MtoF. For the guys out there, I believe the surgery is coming. I dont know why they can't perfect a penis. Any other excuse is just that an excuse to not transition, you are not TS. I would have done this years ago, but there wasn't the information on this subject like there is now. I was really confused all through the last half of the last century. Sometimes you really have to be patient, but you will get there.
Sheila

Hi everyone,

I used to use all the standard reasons. They have all fallen by the wayside. Its just a matter of working the plan now. I don't see anything stopping me, or any obstical I can not overcome. Most of it is all in my mind anyway. The only thing really stopping me, was fear.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Hello.... :)
Okay-

Quotethat's just not what it's about, natal women all over the world have bodies just as "artificial" as ours as long as on a day to day basis it's vaugely normal what does it matter?

This i understand the way you are looking at but it's not the same they were born with their God given right to their gender-body ...I was not, that's my point with that.  If someone natural decides to modify well so be it, but to be unnatural and HAVE TO MODIFY.. Well..
Tara

QuoteThat description sounds familiar did I dance with you last night? and if so which ugly broad shouldered woman were you?

.. Hehe that was me.. Did i ask your for money? :P
Next one very very important to ME (note: to me for myself not anyone else)

QuoteIf your giving up because transition yields an imperfect result what did you want to achieve from transition?

Answer- A PERFECT 100% undeniable RESULT!  does not exist thus the crux!
amazes me everyday... fate-destiny-timing- angelic alignment-----call it what you want........
I just shake my head at the losses i see around me everyday (babies dying from disease or premature brith, kids abandoned or killed, people in tragic car accidents, wars), seeing death-reading about death-hearing about it-the news broadcasting it---
and yet the age old question begs "not my time" Good Lord has other plans for me?  Whatever it is....Boggles my imagination!
I walk around in a fair cloud wondering why, does he not hear us when we call out in the pain we are in???
either way, T-bones will continue to be cut from male steer!
Ricki

Not trying to be offensive but you don't sound like you'd be happy if you were born with a female body.

Nothing is given to us in life. As long as you sit that and moan about how god did you wrong you'll never be happy. Maybe there is a god maybe there isn't(I think isn't) but either way you will only have what you get out there and work/fight for. A woman isn't a centerfold body, a woman isn't her internal organs, a woman is her mind. Maybe your TS but unsatisfied with your potential, maybe your a woman but not TS, maybe your neither I don't know only you can judge what you are. But what I can say is if you let your life pass you by being unhappy because you don't have that perfect natural female body you will be wasting an opportunity to live, an opportunity to be happy, an opportunity so many don't get. Choose to be happy now, find out what you want out of life, then give it everything you got to get everything you can out of life. Prove a life wasn't wasted on you that one of these people "babies dying from disease or premature brith, kids abandoned or killed" never got a chance to have.

Nikki
I think you are misunderstanding me a little i am only responding or stating why i do not transition and the above post of mine just stated some of my thoughts and frustrations..
I am not speaking for anyone, insulting anyone, nor really whinning to anyone.
Just posting.
sometimes we try to find more meaning out of a post than what it actually is? No????
Just words, me thinking, talking, typing that's all...
Would i be happy if i was born a natal woman that matched my inside, yes just as happy as i'd be if i was a guy-guy..Either way.
would i be who i am a whiner, a bitcher, a moaner a complainer probably..
I think that's in my nature not my gender....
luv
Ricki

Quote from: Ricki on February 25, 2007, 07:11:15 PM
I am not speaking for anyone, insulting anyone

I didn't think you were doing that or intend to imply such.

Quote from: Ricki on February 25, 2007, 07:11:15 PMwould i be who i am a whiner, a bitcher, a moaner a complainer probably..

That's what I was responding to. It's your life to live as you want, but I feel strongly that happiness is a choice not the result of your circumstances.

Quote from: Ricki on February 25, 2007, 06:20:49 PM
Hello.... :)
Okay-

Quotethat's just not what it's about, natal women all over the world have bodies just as "artificial" as ours as long as on a day to day basis it's vaugely normal what does it matter?

This i understand the way you are looking at but it's not the same they were born with their God given right to their gender-body ...I was not, that's my point with that.  If someone natural decides to modify well so be it, but to be unnatural and HAVE TO MODIFY.. Well..
Tara

What the hell has god got to do with it? If any god wants me to live a life I have no will to in a body I dispise without allowing me to modify it to my pleasing I say screw god, I would gladly go to hell a martyr than play his game.

Well I guess it's about time I threw my hat into this melee.  It seems to me that there is a big difference between the words "can't" and "won't."  It is not my intention to anger anyone, but I know that my opinion will go against that of those I respect very much.  First, I think all labels are artificial to some extent.  I've never seen the validity in the one-size-fits-all system.  It has been expressed here that there are no degrees of transsexualism.  I respectfully disagree.  And I think it changes over life.  At least that is how it has been with me.  Yes, it is powerful.  And each time I try to suppress it, it rears its ugly head later with renewed vigor.  My odyssey of self-discovery has taught me some very difficult lessons: 
Can I ever be truly happy without transitioning?  I doubt it. 
Will I transition?  I do not know as of yet. 
Do I have a label that fits me yet (as some have asked)?  No and I don't really want one. 
"Can" I do this to my wife, family and friends?  Of course I can. 
"Should" I do this?  Still working on that one.  Not easy.
"Can" I financially afford to transition?  Not at this point. 
"Can" I afford psychologically not to transition?  Probably not. 
Do I wish I had no desire to transition.  Of course.  Who would wish this?
"Can" I pass after transition?  I'm discovering that I can.
Do I care what society thinks of me?  Not very much, and never have.
Will my current physical ailments ever allow me to begin transition?  The jury is out on that one.
Would my death be better than afflicting those around me with all of this?  Quite possibly.  I have increased my life insurance.

The question has been asked (or I would not bring this up) about what our spirituality has to do with all of this.  I'm not a fundamentalist whacko.  However, the loving ethical teachings of Jesus are what most inform my own value system.  Of particular importance to me is John 15:13 which says "Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends."  I know that I am unique in this assertion, (so please do not start a flame war, or a religious altercation over this) but I do believe that my own personal happiness is not the most important thing in the universe.  Loving others is.  And my personal odyssey is as much about learning to do that as it is about learning what will make me happy and fulfilled.  I am determined to find the right balance.  To those of you who are now furious that I brought up a Bible verse, I offer my apology.  But I cannot fully answer the question otherwise.  You, of course, are free to disagree.

Peace, Please!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

My rationale for not transitioning was idiotic when I was a teenager.

The first thing I told my wife when I met her (and we met online, so this isn't so odd) is that I'm not normal, and probably just as or more feminine than she is. She actually loved this, as the guys she'd be around were the aggressive jerk type. After we were married and my daughter was born, my wife turned out to be a terrible mother. She threatened me by saying she'd take her and run off (something that's actually common in her family) where I could never find her. PPD? Probably. 3 years later, shortly after I quit badgering her to do something, she got on Zoloft and became an "okay, but not good" mother. She went from spending no time (literally, absolutely no time) with our daughter to spending SOME time, mostly at my insistence. I wanted my daughter to have a decent relationship with her mother.

Well, I stayed in so my daughter wouldn't be taken off with. I stayed because I needed to be a good parent more than I needed to be myself.

...3 more years later, things were stablizing a bit, and my wife and I started to have somewhat of a relationship again. We grew closer, but she knew I was miserable. Eventually she dragged the truth out of me, and I told her if she wanted out I'd understand... just to not take my daughter away from me.

She said she didn't want out.
2 weeks later, she started having an affair, something I can't handle for other personal reasons I can't get into just now, so I took my daughter and left. Best decision I've ever made. She told me she won't fight for custody even if I transition.

While my initial reasons were mainly lack of information and teenage stupidity... eventually I stayed in for my daughter's safety. I'm coming out because I know it's better for me AND her that I do.

Had I outed myself to my family when I first knew where I wanted to go, it would not have gone well especially in that area at that time.  Different often equaled punching bag.  I got teased enough for looking like a girl anyway (which stayed with me until I started weight training).

Once an adult I was basically in denial.  However, once faced with transition I went with the:

cannot due to my size (weight lifting really changed my structure)
cannot due to being tall (yeah, running into teens who are taller than I am now)
cannot because I would never, ever pass  (went out the window when my then therapist's partner saw me and thought I was one of her lesbian clients)
cannot because of family expectations such as continuing the family name (my life, I will live it thank you very much)
cannot because I could never afford surgery (Montreal was less than $10K then.  However, this fear has more or less materialized.  Without a lot of help from a generous person(s), surgery is unlikely)

I never thought about money, which bit me on the butt during the first transition.

Wow, so reasons you can't transition.  I didn't have many, but I did have a few.

1. I knew it would end my marriage (It did)
2. I knew my family would never accept it (They didn't)
3. I thought I would be forced to only be with guys and I had a strong attraction to women. (I realized I could be a lesbian, but ended up being bi anyways.)
4. THE BIGGEST ONE: I had no idea about hormones or that a person could transition as effectively as it's possible to do.

Once I found out about it being possible, I knew I had to transition in some capacity and me losing my wife at the time was probably the biggest one, but resistance was futile and I could not help but transition.  The pressure to move forward was too great.

Quote from: Ricki on February 24, 2007, 06:48:20 PM
and you do not have the ability to rear a child, have a natural period or internal developement, etc..

That one still hurts. :'(  I figure I'll take what I can get with transition and that being this close to being female is much better than living as male.

For me it's not so much that I would like to not have felt a need to transition, but much more than that, I am female to my very core including mannerism, thoughts, feelings, emotions and self identity.  To be male would require changing everything (and I do mean everything) about me and that just was not going to happen.  Once I am able to have the surgery, I'll be fully female (albeit infertile) for all intents and purposes.

Melissa

Mellisa
We all feel the same way and all have your reasons, many of your list is the same as mine. In time the same may be true, the GID just takes over. When my time comes it comes. Theropy helps us all to decide what is best, wether we are or not in the wrong body. For those which have been there done it, it's easy to say I allways new, and for those just starting there transition just starting to question there mental state. On the other hand there are also a handfull of us which are still using these excuses. and allways will

Quote from: Ricki on February 25, 2007, 06:20:49 PM
...and yet the age old question begs "not my time" Good Lord has other plans for me?  Whatever it is....Boggles my imagination!
I walk around in a fair cloud wondering why, does he not hear us when we call out in the pain we are in???

Two points, Ricki.

Perhaps the Deity planned for you to experience both sides of the equation.  I was never completely mentally male so I guess being a physically incomplete female won't be too much of a problem.

Second point is, maybe you've been getting answers but you aren't willing to hear them yet?

Eventually, if my life can be used as a model, the old techniques for relieving the dysphoria to a barely tolerable level will quit working.  When that happens you'll transition or take that walk in the woods.  When it gets to that point, well, you know which choice I hope you'll make.

hugs & (understanding) smiles,
helen

"I just can't do this to the people I love"

I can't tell you how many times I thought that.  Then I came to realize I'm not "doing" anything to anybody.  I'm just being myself.  And they are just being themselves.  Nobody is doing anything to anybody.

What I did do was deceive them into believing I was happy as a male.  Yes, I did that, but not maliciously and really not knowingly.  I knew I wanted to be a girl from the earliest age but I was dead convinced I never would and that I had no other choice than to live life as a male.  Then one day I realized I just couldn't put on the mask anymore.

Like it's been said many times here, little by little the excuses fall by the wayside.[/font][/color]

Quote from: Sheila on February 25, 2007, 06:05:33 PMUnless there was a medical condition, like what Steph has said, you need to transition. I'm not saying that you need facial reconstruction and breast enhancement, but SRS is the surgery for MtoF. Sheila

I agree Shelia.  I was just telling Sandy last night that I didn't know about having FFS and I gave some reasons why.  Then she said those same reasons would apply to SRS.  I told her that didn't matter.  I needed SRS. 

I believe if you are TS you will eventually need to transition and you will eventually feel you need SRS.  We so often fool ourselves into believing things that we know in our heart aren't true.  We let outside pressures stop us from being who we really are.  But in time it all comes back to haunt us and we have to act.  For me it boiled down to regaining the will to live.

Julie[/font][/color]

Mine are

  Dont want to disapoint my famly.
  I dont Have even a passable voice.
  I might lose my best friend.
  I will never be able to get a good paying job.
  I need to stop smoking first.
  I want to get out of my home town and my mom and dads house.
  No one will ever under stand me 
 

The truth is I am planing on going full time soon.  Besides the fact that i am 25 living with my mom and dad.  My mom suports me my dad dills with it.  I am in my home town.  The funnie thing is that every time i get strest about something i dress up in girl mode and every thing is better.

1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.



#1 is not a concern; continuous improvement is being observed.

#2 is totally immaterial and inconsequential to me. One brother has pretty much rejected me, but honestly, that is not entirely due to my TS. Mom accepted me and she is the only one whose acceptance was really important to me.

#3 is not a concern. I have gained more friends and genuine ones, since I began transition. Of their love, I have no doubt.

#4 I've always been a 'freak in society'. This is a total non-factor.

#5 was actually partially true for a while, but insofar as fear of losing a wonderful marriage was concerned and someone whom I happen to love very much. But as it turned out, this was a partial inevitability.

Such fear stands no longer as an impediment nor a fear and what the "public" is totally irrelevant.

#6 This is a demonstrated impossibility. The level of my transsexuality will not allow a stasis to be maintained, nor will it be 'sated' with anything short of full transition.

Quote from: Julie Marie on March 01, 2007, 12:47:21 PM
I believe if you are TS you will eventually need to transition and you will eventually feel you need SRS.Julie[/font][/color]

I agree with that...I did need to transition, and much of my reccent moodiness comes from my wondering just how I'm ever going to afford SRS.  Believe me, I've tried to convince myself "There are some who get by without it, or decide they don't need surgery" but I can't make myself believe that.  Some days I wonder just what I am now, somewhere inbetween female and male, and I wonder how people can live like this.  None of the other surgeries mean anything to me...I think my face looks ok, and having breasts isn't nearly as important to me as the actual SRS itself.  When my close friend had her SRS, it changed me, too, in ways I think I still haven't fully recovered from.  It made this more real to me, being around someone that  I know who had just had the surgery.  She achieved my dream, and to this day, I hate to admit it, but i'm still envious of her.  Hearing that another member of our local support group is going to have her surgery almost brings me to tears for myself.  I have never experienced this much of a desire for anything, and I hope I never feel like this again after it finally is my turn for SRS. 

Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 25, 2007, 05:03:49 PM
There are any number of things that hold us back.  And not one of you has ever been able to adequately describe the fundamental and instinctive "need" to be female (or male to suit your case).  It is not a decision to be made.  It simply is. We can not adequately describe the benefit even when the deed is done. This is a problem.  I'm going to write about this some day.... it's just that words strong enough don't exist.

The drive will push you through the barriers one by one.  If you are, then the barriers will not stand in the way.  It is not a question of will, finances, family aproval, or anything else.  If surgery were not available I would very likely have self castrated, I am confident that I would still be living my life as I am... as a female.

When someone tells me that they can't move on due to financial, religious, or family reasons, I know it is because they either are not TS or they haven't come to self realization.  I hesitate to push them forward or hold them back.  Each reason listed must be dealt with in some way.

In most cases, there are no valid reasons holding you back.  Go ahead, list them.  If you are TS, you will work through them or find a workable compromise.

Many of us here have walked the path. We've dealt with the very issues you have.  We've faced them down, we've dealt with them, we've vanquished most.  We've lived frugally to save money.  We've found a second job.  We quit buying toys.  We worked endlessly with our families and have given up on our church (not necessarily our faith).

For those of you who can't manage to give up everything you hold dear and cast it to the wind, this journey is not for you.  Sorry... I don't intend to be mean.  But that's how it is.

Cindi

I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here.  >:(

Quote from: rhonda13000 on March 05, 2007, 12:27:11 PM
I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here.  >:(

I do not understand why that would anger you Rhonda.  From what I understand, you have felt this "need" in a VERY strong way and as a result, you have kept going.  I do agree that some people have more difficult circumstances for transition than others and they also will probably feel the most conflict and anguish as a result.  As GID increases, the person will feel more and more internal pressure to transition, but the ones with difficult circumstances may require considerably greater pressure before they give up everything they are so desparately trying to hold onto.

My need to transition was quite intense, but my circumstances were also not quite as tough as some people's.  I did end up having to give up a lot such as my marriage, my job, and my biological family, but perhaps I just haven't been as generous as others who think of others completely before themselves.

Melissa

Quote from: Melissa on March 05, 2007, 12:36:26 PM

Quote from: rhonda13000 on March 05, 2007, 12:27:11 PM
I almost wish that I did not read yours.

You are a fine individual Cindi, but this assertion is..[with restraint; I can the feel anger building]...

"Specious"

I'll leave it at this point in the interim, before I get myself in trouble, here.  >:(

I do not understand why that would anger you Rhonda.  From what I understand, you have felt this "need" in a VERY strong way and as a result, you have kept going.  I do agree that some people have more difficult circumstances for transition than others and they also will probably feel the most conflict and anguish as a result.  As GID increases, the person will feel more and more internal pressure to transition, but the ones with difficult circumstances may require considerably greater pressure before they give up everything they are so desparately trying to hold onto.

Melissa

Hi hon.   :)

I won't sustain on this point, at least not right now.

As you know, I have gotten myself in trouble by engaging in heated discourses, without profit or meaningful exchange of information.

"Discretion is the better part of valor" - I am leaving this alone, sweetie.

Ok, sounds wise. :)

Melissa

i [couldn't] transition because i was a coward. ;)

Okay this took me a while cause i had to reread and think on it.

Quotehappiness is a choice not the result of your circumstances.

this little phrase was really eating away at me cause i think a lot of these catch phrases people make up or create are great, but when you play the movie in real time.
Uggghhhhhhhhh
Life is just not all that pleasant and circumstances are not always pleasant.  rationalizing circumstances and turning lemons into lemonade, (hehe like that one) just does not always work.
I can count my best friends on one hand and i just lost one on sunday he died of cancer, a very quick fast diagnosis that i was told and within months he was gone and the son-of-a... Did not tell me a thing!  I found out by calling his house and having his sister from out of state answer the phone to say no i'm sorry ____ is not here he passed away this morning...............
I am not going to even pretend that accepting this as a circumstance and being happy with it is a feasible thing....
I am mad and I'll hopefully catch up to him in the next life and really kick his ___!
Terrible example but the reality of things is sometimes not as easy to emulsify into life.
Hugs
Ricki

Quote from: Ricki on March 07, 2007, 07:59:45 PM
Okay this took me a while cause i had to reread and think on it.

Quotehappiness is a choice not the result of your circumstances.

this little phrase was really eating away at me cause i think a lot of these catch phrases people make up or create are great, but when you play the movie in real time.
Uggghhhhhhhhh
Life is just not all that pleasant and circumstances are not always pleasant.  rationalizing circumstances and turning lemons into lemonade, (hehe like that one) just does not always work.
I can count my best friends on one hand and i just lost one on sunday he died of cancer, a very quick fast diagnosis that i was told and within months he was gone and the son-of-a... Did not tell me a thing!  I found out by calling his house and having his sister from out of state answer the phone to say no i'm sorry ____ is not here he passed away this morning...............
I am not going to even pretend that accepting this as a circumstance and being happy with it is a feasible thing....
I am mad and I'll hopefully catch up to him in the next life and really kick his ___!
Terrible example but the reality of things is sometimes not as easy to emulsify into life.
Hugs
Ricki

While I am fighting to transmute my perspective and outlook from jaded and cynical to positive, I would concur.

But concurrently, it is simply untrue that one's attitude makes no difference in how one perceives their life [I am not accusing you of asserting such]. I found out the hard way that it certainly does have bearing.

Quote from: Julie Marie on February 23, 2007, 11:54:52 AM

1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

I belived #1 untill I actually allowed myself to look in the mirror. At 5'10 I may be a bit taller than the average woman but not by any means unimaginable. #2 Still scares me. I am not a family person, as long as I know that they are ok, I do not need to see them that often, but I would be affectively killing a son, brother, etc. My only rationalization is that I would do it for real eventually anyway. #3, not really. #4 worries me economically. #5 would be a non-issue by the time I am living as a woman full time. #6, Not really sure that this is not true. I got use to the idea of life without happiness quite some time ago. I will say that the idea of transitioning is the first thing that has ever made me look forward to anything in the future.

Unknown person 1:  why can't you transition?

Unknown person 2:  because I'm already dead.

Uknown person 1:  what?  what do you mean?

Unknown person 2:  haven't you noticed? we're no longer living.  I killed myself today; you and I are both dead.  This was the other option we had and we took it. 

Unknown person 1: huh?

Unknown person 2:  WE'RE DEAD!  you killed yourself yesterday and I did the same thing today.  This is the only reason why we're not transitioning.  Our lives have ended.  We should have been braver; we shoud have taken the other alternative, we should have been more courageous; it was far better than being dead.  too late now.

Quote
WE'RE DEAD!  you killed yourself yesterday and I did the same thing today.  This is the only reason why we're not transitioning.  Our lives have ended.  We should have been braver; we shoud have taken the other alternative, we should have been more courageous; it was far better than being dead.  too late now.

Hyperbole.

It's a valid choice among few choices available.

Ive avoided even reading this thread for a while and desided to finaly take a look at it.....

Why I couldnt transition.....

1: Money
2: Lack of education to make money due to lack of money
3: Money
4: My band would never accept me and they were my only chance at makeing *Money*
5: My parrents will disown me and I wont get the money they owe me...

Well, my band accepts me, my parrents did disown me, the lack of money and educations were just a roadblock that seemed too overwelming... but I learned to get over it...  Im just as broke as I was before, but now Im broke and somewhat happy... and deffinatly happy with myself, and learning to just move on and get on with life... Money isnt everything.

Quote from: Jessica on March 23, 2007, 03:58:02 PM

Quote
WE'RE DEAD!  you killed yourself yesterday and I did the same thing today.  This is the only reason why we're not transitioning.  Our lives have ended.  We should have been braver; we shoud have taken the other alternative, we should have been more courageous; it was far better than being dead.  too late now.

Hyperbole.

It's a valid choice among few choices available.

I guess for some it is.  On the other hand, suicide only equals one thing = COWARDICE.

Sometimes the other choices are even less good than suicide.

If it is the right way for someone even after careful consideration of other options, then I don't think the person choosing it is a coward.

Quote from: Yvonne on March 23, 2007, 05:08:36 PM
On the other hand, suicide only equals one thing = COWARDICE.

I respectfully disagree.  I do believe it is totally selfish.  And it is a way I've thought seriously about, but realized that, at that particular time, I didn't have the courage to go through with it.

Kristi

Quote from: Ricki on March 07, 2007, 07:59:45 PM
Okay this took me a while cause i had to reread and think on it.

Quotehappiness is a choice not the result of your circumstances.

this little phrase was really eating away at me cause i think a lot of these catch phrases people make up or create are great, but when you play the movie in real time.
Uggghhhhhhhhh
Life is just not all that pleasant and circumstances are not always pleasant.  rationalizing circumstances and turning lemons into lemonade, (hehe like that one) just does not always work.
I can count my best friends on one hand and i just lost one on sunday he died of cancer, a very quick fast diagnosis that i was told and within months he was gone and the son-of-a... Did not tell me a thing!  I found out by calling his house and having his sister from out of state answer the phone to say no i'm sorry ____ is not here he passed away this morning...............
I am not going to even pretend that accepting this as a circumstance and being happy with it is a feasible thing....
I am mad and I'll hopefully catch up to him in the next life and really kick his ___!
Terrible example but the reality of things is sometimes not as easy to emulsify into life.
Hugs
Ricki

Ricki, you CAN overcome anything you want.  It's all determined by your attitude about life.  Your friend's death can't be ignored or made into a happy experience but it can be a learning experience.  You may have learned the people you leave behind need to be given the chance to say goodbye when possible.

I could list so many bad things in my life that you'd probably ask how I managed to stay sane.  But without knowing all that you'd say I am a pretty lucky person.  Life can be tough but life must be lived.  How you live it is completely up to you. 

You've said many times you'll never transition because you can't.  And if you believe that then it's true.  I believed it for decades and for decades it was a fact of my life.  Then one day I opened my eyes.  Now I'm wondering what took me so long.

All those catchy sayings you hear were created because the people who created them found them to be true.  You may not be able to control the world around you but you CAN control you.  And the only way to take control of your life is to just do it.  People all over the world blame everything around them as the reason for their lousy life and they probably believe that's true.  The real truth is our life is lived in the space betwen our ears, not across the street or on the other side of the globe.  You can't stop a speeding train but you can get out of its way.  If you want your life to be better, make the decision to make it better.  Deny that or accept it.  Whatever you do, the choice is yours to make.  The world won't change for you so you have to change your world.

Julie

I didn't really have any reason not to transition. Cowardice slowed me down. From the time I learned I could actually have a sex change to the time I began living full time as a woman was just under 10 months. People may say it's selfish but I gave everyone else what they expected for 30 years. I earned the chance to do something for me.

Karen Lyn     :icon_female:

Quote from: Kristi on March 24, 2007, 07:53:47 AM

Quote from: Yvonne on March 23, 2007, 05:08:36 PM
On the other hand, suicide only equals one thing = COWARDICE.

I respectfully disagree.  I do believe it is totally selfish.  And it is a way I've thought seriously about, but realized that, at that particular time, I didn't have the courage to go through with it.

Kristi

Suicide is not a choice either.  It is not selfish and it is not cowardice.  It is when you no longer have the resources to cope with the pain in your life.  However transition is very similar in this respect and happens when you are no longer to able to fight the dysphoria.  Neither is selfish because they are not choices.  They are last resorts.  Just the fact that a person has made their way to this site to read this says a lot about which path they will end up choosing.

Melissa

Suicide is no more selfish than transition. Nor is it Cowardice. A person has no more obligation to live than they do to stay their birth sex. Both are choices that one can make in response to the path laid before them.

Berating another over how they handle THEIR life based on your own personal beliefs is wrong regardless of how much you mean well.

At the end of the day, I view transition as an ending in which I get to watch the credits. My life as I know it would be over, just as over as if I killed myself. The only real turn off I have to it is the fact that I will have to live with the fact that I took this person away from those loved him so much. It would be way too much for me to ask them to deal with somthing like that. I would relocate completely.

I would feel better inside but I just do not know how to be that selfish. If I did, I would have killed myself in High School, before I came to grips with things.

Quote from: Evan on March 24, 2007, 06:06:57 PM

Suicide is no more selfish than transition. Nor is it Cowardice. A person has no more obligation to live than they do to stay their birth sex. Both are choices that one can make in response to the path laid before them.

FYI, you are making an assumption and responding to this thread based on that assumption.  Transition is not a choice, not for the severely dysphoric at least.  It is a need, an ovewhelming necessity, it is like the beating of your heart, you don't choose for your heart to beat, it just does to keep you alive.  If there is someone who thinks that transition is a choice, then it is best not to transition, which will indicate you are not severely dysphoric to call yourself transsexual or trapped in the wrong body.

tink :icon_chick:

Quote from: Tink on March 24, 2007, 06:13:53 PM
If anyone has a "choice" between transitioning or not transitioning, then it is best not to transition which will indicate you are not severely dysphoric.

I don't like labeling anyone "not severely dysphoric" simply because they're approaching this decision rationally, before getting to the "transition or death" stage.

The thing is, I view GID as something like a progressive "disease" (not equating it to something nasty, just that it gets worse and worse). Waiting until you become suicidal seems kinda like waiting until your kidney bursts before getting help, having ignored all the warning signs (pain) until then.

I know we tend to view transition as some sort of tragic last resort. But ya know, that's really mostly because of the reactions we fear from society. IF we know someone is TS, and IF we know GID always gets progressively worse over time, wouldn't it be cool to diagnose it early on and fix it then?

I mean heck, the ONLY reason I got to the "transition or death" stage is because I was terrified of people's reactions. I certainly knew *exactly* what I needed as a child even, but I was too afraid to mention it or do anything. That fear took root, became unhealthy, and eventually led to the ultimate confrontation of Fear Vs. Need.

But there's nothing inherently wrong with transitioning, I don't think - just as there's nothing wrong with getting the appendix removed as soon as the signs are obvious. Removing the appendix before it bursts doesn't mean you're appendicitus was any less severe - it just means you were prudent.

Kate

I think we've gone into the realm of personal opinions and in this case opinions which are opposed to one another. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion so perhaps we could drop it and move on?
just my 2¢


Karen Lyn

Quote from: Tink on March 24, 2007, 07:19:12 PM
Based on my own experience, I always had the same "degree" (if you will) of GID, but like most of you, I tried to conceal my true feelings by "learning" how to be a "normal" guy; however, as I grew older, the lies became intolerable, and I felt like I was wasting my life living an existence based on lies and pretenses.

Exactly.

The volume of my heart screaming "I need to live as a girl/woman!" was just as loud at age four as it is now at forty-two.

What changed over time for me was that the fear of never getting to live as a woman eventually eclipsed the fears of the consequences for doing it. But oh my, what a crisis point to reach! Fear is a terrible driving force... it was soooo tempting to just avoid them entirely and check out.

BUT, had I been able to conquer my fears of ostracism at age four, I sure woulda loved to have doen this right from the beginning... long before becoming suicidal about it.

Kate

Quote from: tinkFYI, you are making an assumption and responding to this thread based on that assumption.  Transition is not a choice, not for the severely dysphoric at least.  It is a need, an ovewhelming necessity, it is like the beating of your heart, you don't choose for your heart to beat, it just does to keep you alive.  If there is someone who thinks that transition is a choice, then it is best not to transition, which will indicate you are not severely dysphoric to call yourself transsexual or trapped in the wrong body.

tink :icon_chick:

The words of a [faerie] are words of wisdom, at least for me they are. :)

like yvonne, i [used to] think that suicide was a sign of cowardice as well , now i know that it's a [valid] choice; transition is difficult, we sacrifice our family, our friends, our jobs; some can't cope with the loss and see suicide as their [only] way out.

Quote from: Katia on March 24, 2007, 11:05:07 PM
like yvonne, i [used to] think that suicide was a sign of cowardice as well , now i know that it's a [valid] choice; transition is difficult, we sacrifice our family, our friends, our jobs; some can't cope with the loss and see suicide as their [only] way out.

Agreed, I don't see suicide as cowardice either. In my case, I haven't lost anything - yet. Family, friends and work know who I am and what I'm doing, but they haven't faced the practical reality of it yet. We'll see. But I *could* cope with those losses, I do believe.

The only loss I know I could NOT cope with is the loss of the chance to live the rest of my life as the woman I was meant to become.

Kate

lol, you could sugar coate it  with nice, inspiring words, but there's only one answer., suicide equals cowardice, so much so that it you believe that it's a valid choice, you shouldn't be posting here because it's a safety hazard for the rest of the members.

There seems to be a sentiment to paint suicide as evil and not-a-choice to protect people. It would be nice to be able to discuss this on a philosophical level without mixing personal feelings/protection into it.

Hurting people is not nice and both suicide and transition can do that. Then again the amount of hurt can be lessened by taking precautions etc.

Doing things in desperation is not courageous. Thinking about things and choosing a way forward in a difficult situation is courageous - whether the way happens to be transitioning, suicide or something entirely else.

Quote from: AnomieAssassin on March 25, 2007, 04:24:58 AM
I think that if you're on the verge of choosing suicide, why not do something crazy that might divert it? Move to another city or something on the spur of the moment. Become an organic farmer. Open up a comedy club. Heck, you could even become a vigilante or a pirate or live in the woods and talk to squirrels.

Whatever you do, however outlandish it may be, is better than being dead.

Good advice!  Suicide is for those who are cowards and dont want to take a chance at life.  I don't have any sympathy for those who choose to kill themselves instead of facing what life has stored for them.  ~ sighs~

Quote from: Yvonne on March 25, 2007, 03:51:22 AM
...there's only one answer., suicide equals cowardice

Oh really? How about euthanasia? Does that fit neatly into your scheme of things?

Suicide may be many things but the idea that suicide equals cowardice is so far from the truth, so blinkered and so uncompassionate. I would also disagree that it's somehow selfish... and no-one is advocating it here either.

If only life's issues could be seen in such black and white terms.

Quote from: Stormy Weather on March 25, 2007, 04:54:26 AM

Quote from: Yvonne on March 25, 2007, 03:51:22 AM
...there's only one answer., suicide equals cowardice

Oh really? How about euthanasia? Does that fit neatly into your scheme of things?

Suicide may be many things but the idea that suicide equals cowardice is so far from the truth, so blinkered and so uncompassionate. I would also disagree that it's somehow selfish... and no-one is advocating it here either.

If only life's issues could be seen in such black and white terms.

  Yes, REALLY.  if you have a choice other than to subject your body to be eaten by maggots, you should choose life.  suicide equals cowardice; you were smart; otherwise, why are you here complaining? Verdammte alte Kuh!

Quote from: Yvonne on March 25, 2007, 05:08:17 AM
  Yes, REALLY.  if you have a choice other than to subject your body to be eaten by maggots, you should choose life.  suicide equals cowardice; you were smart; otherwise, why are you here complaining? Verdammte alte Kuh!

Firstly, I don't appreciate being insulted, whether it's in German or not. It's not the way things work around here. So please don't make a habit of it.

Secondly, I'm not complaining and this isn't about me; I've never come near committing suicide but friends of mine have killed themselves, not transexuals, just unhappy and young people who overdosed on the tablets that were supposed to keep them safe.

I noticed you avoided and side-stepped the issue of euthanasia, preferring to insult me instead— nice going. Welcome to Susan's.

Each and every one of us has different upbringings, different issues, different agendas and different views on life.  There is no one way that works for all.  No matter how you see life, until you live in the shoes of another, you can't know what they are experiencing.

Yes, we have the power to change but that is a process that doesn't happen overnight.  Kind of like transitioning.

This thread was intended to ask what are the reasons that have prevented you from transitioning, not to become a debate about what suicide is or isn't.  There's a thread entitled "Suicide" in which those things should be discussed.  Please use it if further discussion is needed.

And please, whatever your own experiences and views are, do not disrespect the experiences and views of other members.

Thank you,
Julie
Susan's Staff Member

Thank you Julie. A much needed interjection.

Karen Lyn

I second that, and I would add that personal attacks, even if they are in a language other than English, are against the site rules.

Dennis

Thanks for the kind words and inspiration Julie, much appreciated.
I do not even wanna go towards any of that suicide discussion. Lot of emotion there. :'(
Ricki

I had many excuses but ultimately I decided to take the risk and I\'m glad I did.  I\'m much happier as a person now than I ever was.

My excuse not is my wife, if only I had have realised earlier then it would have been a different matter altogether. I wish I could turn the time back 15 years and have done something about it what I first new. May people here have many stories about why they delayed transitioning, but Im very pleased they are happier now.

Good luck to you all
luv lucy

This is off-topic, but:

Julie Marie! Brianna! Alice! Nice new pictures! Very cute!

my reason?
everything inbetween i could deal with.

how do i present myself to the psychiatrists/ doctors/ surgeons?
how do i explain it so they agree? what will i do if they don't agree?

Quote from: fluffy jorgen on January 25, 2008, 07:27:16 PM
my reason?
everything inbetween i could deal with.

how do i present myself to the psychiatrists/ doctors/ surgeons?
how do i explain it so they agree? what will i do if they don't agree?

How well do you know yourself? If you are fully self assured in how you feel, they will have no choice but to agree with you. And even if they are foolish enough not to agree, your own feelings will carry you through that.

my 2¢ worth

Karen Lyn

QuoteThose are the words of my therapist, back when I first started seeing her.  Very true, but also very sad.

I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

1. I'll never pass - Yeah I thought that for a long while, probably the biggest reason I delayed it.
2. The second biggest reason, given I felt I would die if I didn't transition, it didn't stop me for long. I threatened suicide and went totally apathetic on a number of occasions.
3. I had no friends
4. Heh...I was already a freak of society.
5. Nah, I had the courage, only the other reasons stopped me.
6. Never. It was suicide or transition, I knew that the second I even read about transsexualism. It took me time to decide to give life a shot. I'm a reincanationist...so I thought it might be better to wait for a new life, and just die now (no way I'd wait a natural death).

Ah yes, note that I already had planned on suicide long before I knew about transsexualism or intersex. I figured this life was over, done with, no value anymore, and found nothing of interest...and then found out about it, by luck.

Quote from: KarenLyn on January 25, 2008, 11:15:29 PM

Quote from: fluffy jorgen on January 25, 2008, 07:27:16 PM
my reason?
everything inbetween i could deal with.

how do i present myself to the psychiatrists/ doctors/ surgeons?
how do i explain it so they agree? what will i do if they don't agree?

How well do you know yourself? If you are fully self assured in how you feel, they will have no choice but to agree with you.

I know myself well enough to say I'm no good at explaining what's inside me and I often confuse people when trying to do so, thus I've given up explaining anything.
I'm kind of avoiding the whole issue, but slowly starting to realize that won't do me no good in the long run.

Once is enough.

The only thing holding me back right now, is my current life.

5 months from now, that will change.  I hope...

Quote from: Tink on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM

There isn't a single valid reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one!

i concord

As I agree Natasha, ultimately the thing that holds me back the most is money, and my housing situation.

Neither would be appropiate right now for me to transition.

I have a neighboor whose front door is two feet from mine and he is not a good person and I would feel very unsafe here, also I live with my girlfriend of two years, and the relationship is over, I am sleeping on the couch, and life is hell.

I just need to wait 3-4 months and move out then I can start fresh.

Also I am saving money like a mad woman, in hopes that when I get fired by the redneck a holes I work for, I will be ok finacially, until I find some 10 an hour job to support myself decently (I hope).

Quote from: maragirlygirr on January 26, 2008, 07:26:09 PM
As I agree Natasha, ultimately the thing that holds me back the most is money, and my housing situation.

little by little is the key :)  i know people who have transitioned in one year (they've done everything, hormones, ffs, grs, breast implants) i also know people who have done it slowly.  a girl i know started to live fulltime in 1985, she just had grs about three years ago..that's a twenty year wait & that's ok as long as you know where you are going..;)

All of my reasons have really been touched upon by others...but anyway, in no particular order:

1)  I might lose my place to live.  I live with my parents and they might kick me out.  I'm saving my money to move out, but I have a few more months of saving to go before it is really possible.  I think I would also feel much more comfortable if I were living on my own when I start to transition, I wouldn't have to feel like I'm hiding and I could really live how I want and I can't do that now.
2)  I could easily get fired over it.  I am committed to going back to school this fall to finish my degree, and my company will pay all my tuition and half of my other costs...so I really can't afford to lose that on top of losing my income...basically I know I'm costing my company extra cash, so even though I know I'm doing great there, I get paranoid that they'll look for reasons to get rid of me.  I need more savings in the bank before I can take that risk.
3)  It is going to cost a lot for me to start to physically transition.  I am doing anything and everything I can right now that doesn't cost me anything, but that really isn't much :(
4)  I'm absolutely terrified of how I will be perceived by society.  I have no real self confidence as it is right now, so I kind of think I will collapse under not being seen as a person by some.

There are more reasons than these, little reasons, but these are the big ones.  I'm really excited this year though because unless I screw up pretty big, I won't have to worry about 1 & 3 too much longer :)  One step at a time...

I know these are all things that are delaying me, not outright stopping me.  I don't like having to deny myself my actual life, but I guess I feel like I need to secure my ability to ever be able to live that life first.

Why I haven't transitioned or gotten help yet?

Everything in the official system designed to resist me and yet I despite this I don't know for certain what side I'm on Or what I even am... Although I'm never happy begin male, Sometimes it just doesn't hurt, other times My body is so painful and obviously wrong I feel sick, guilty and angry for even thinking I could carry on and live this way.

Even if doing nothing is undesirable in any light (Neutrality-Horror vs Potential happiness) everyone I know expects me to hold on... And because I hate myself I will do that alone even if it means my ultimate collapse.

QuoteAlthough I'm never happy begin male, Sometimes it just doesn't hurt, other times My body is so painful and obviously wrong I feel sick, guilty and angry for even thinking I could carry on and live this way.

GID doesn't need to be painful on a 24/7 basis to be considered valid. You know, I didn't think about it in my sleep and in a lot of my life, but a lot of events would bring it to the forefront. It got most painful when I realized I had no future as is. And that's not because I couldn't have the strength to cope, it's because that option felt empty to me, there was no reason for me to cope, besides living another day and pleasing others.

I agree, for me when GID peaked and hit me really hard I turned to drugs, particulary weed it made me forget what I was inside for a minute, and I still struggle with the idea that weed was able to take my mind off of the subject.

6 months sobreity has driven me insane and I cant take my body at all, plus I am changing into more and more a man every day, and I pretty much have lost my head and came hear, so far this website has been the greatest thing to help me with the struggle of my GID.

I am addicted t susans.org i guess

Quote from: Julie Marie on February 23, 2007, 11:54:52 AMI "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons

Yeah... me too... until something changed within me and I knew it was do or die.

Quote1. I"ll never pass.

This was a terrible fear... for the first two and a half years of trying, I failed. But I never gave up and kept going. Now everyone sees me as a woman. Life is good.

Quote
2. I'll be rejected by my family.

Check. Sure enough, my family has rejected me. This has been the hardest thing of all. But I couldn't let them hold me back.

Quote3. I'll be rejected by my friends.

Not an issue... I had practically no friends to begin with... and after coming out I suddenly had tons of friends. So this was actually a net gain.

Quote4. I'll be a freak in society.

This is just a subset of "passing" worries. The interesting thing about this is: I really felt like a freak before transitioning, and suffered constantly knowing I was perceived as a deviant excuse for a man. But now that I've transitioned, I feel "normal" in society for the first time in my life! A normal woman instead of a male freak.

Quote5. I don't have the courage.

For me, it wasn't even a question of courage. It was either transition... or die of pain.

Quote6. I can live okay without transitioning.

Once it became clear that I will die without transition, this excuse went right into the wastebasket.

QuoteSure, it would be wonderful to sit with my kids and talk like we used to.  But eventually I'd start feeling depressed and losing my will to live again.  So I'll keep on this path.

This is so true and is really at the core of why I took that fateful leap. They just cannot understand.

QuoteWhat stopped you or what is stopping you from transitioning?

Actually, Julie, you nailed my excuses pretty well. All those years wasted telling myself it was impossible...

the only reason i could not transition would be on count of health, other wise there is no other reason not

to transition for me

The reasons I delayed transitioning are

1. Being Married for 13 years and wife knowing nothing about how I was feeling.
2. My son and did I have the right to cause him pain, anquish, or just adversely effect his life.
3. I just wasn't ready until this last year.

I am still dealing with the whole do I have right to cause my son pain, or adversely effect his life, when he is doing so well. I was always taught that parents sacrifice for their children, not the other way around. That being said I have been on hormones for two months now and will continue to transition, but slowly until I finally decide on how to tell my son that his father is ts. I know the only way for me to have any peace, happiness in my life is to transition. I can't not transition its not a choice anymore it is who I am.

Hugz Ariana

Quote from: Natasha on January 26, 2008, 06:47:35 PM

Quote from: Tink on February 23, 2007, 09:39:10 PM

There isn't a single valid reason why a transsexual shouldn't transition!  Not one!

i concord

So does that make you a grape or an obsolete super-sonic airliner?

Posted on: 09 February 2008, 20:30:38

---

Quote from: Ariana on February 09, 2008, 09:40:35 PM
The reasons I delayed transitioning are

1. Being Married for 13 years and wife knowing nothing about how I was feeling.
2. My son and did I have the right to cause him pain, anquish, or just adversely effect his life.
3. I just wasn't ready until this last year.

I am still dealing with the whole do I have right to cause my son pain, or adversely effect his life, when he is doing so well. I was always taught that parents sacrifice for their children, not the other way around. That being said I have been on hormones for two months now and will continue to transition, but slowly until I finally decide on how to tell my son that his father is ts. I know the only way for me to have any peace, happiness in my life is to transition. I can't not transition its not a choice anymore it is who I am.

Hugz Ariana

I think the hardest person I came out to was my then teenage daughter.  She had seen gradual changes in me but never inquired about them.  We had been very close before the divorce and we remained so afterwards.  I didn't think it would destroy our relationship but you never can tell.  Finally I decided I had to come clean with her and on one of our visits we sat down to talk.

I came right out and told her that I was transgender.  She wasn't quite sure what that meant so I explained it to her.  Her reply was "Really?  I just thought you were bi".  She was concerned that she couldn't call me dad anymore and I said that was fine because that's who I was to her.  We talked a little more and the we went clothes shopping.  That has become a new activity for us.  I love shopping with her, she has an eye for what will look good on me.  I contribute with my great taste in shoes!  I picked out the shoes she wore to her prom  :)

We loved each other before my transition and we still do.  Our relationship changed in that now she's like best girlfriend.  I like that.

I don't think transition is right for everyone....and no one should feel that should be pushed into it by their peers......I always have admiration for those strong enough to resist it.....whatever way they are able to deal with it....

I always felt the opposite and headed for it at an early age......... but I always think of people stuck in situations where they are married or have families which makes it much harder for them..

Due to my ignorance on the matter up till about 5 or 6 years ago (we just didn't have much access to this sort of information in South Africa - Till 1990 you could still get chucked in jail for being gay...) All I knew of it were skewed depictions ala Jerry Springer in tabloidy magazines like You and Personality.

Discovering the truth of the situation through the internet while away in Taiwan opened my eyes, but I was still terrified of what people back home, especially my immediate family and my grannies, would think of me. But it just got to the point where I said to myself:

"No matter what a disaster transition might turn out to be, it can't be any worse than now."

As Tyler Durdan said in Fight Club: "Only when you lose everything are you free to do anything."

Quote from: mara on February 02, 2008, 06:32:01 PM
I agree, for me when GID peaked and hit me really hard I turned to drugs, particulary weed it made me forget what I was inside for a minute, and I still struggle with the idea that weed was able to take my mind off of the subject.

Or maybe while keeping it in mind, to feel comforted that it will be all right. To soothe one's aching nerves... help one to bear the pain of one's existence... to feel bathed in mercy and light instead of hostility and darkness... it's a great healing balm for the soul.

True yep!! Healing Balm, unfourtionalty I havent been allowed to touch the stuff for 7 months now,  but ulitmatly I dont think I will be going back to it, I mean once you a free of a substance or for that matter all substances you feel like you have a virginity, and to be honest it would feel like such a waste of alot of hard work to do it again.

Plus is the total cost really worth it...

I saw you through my blind intoxication
My shock-induced insane self-medication
--Melissa Etheridge

Up until 5 years ago I thought transition was impossible and never gave it any real serious thought.  That's when I became a cliche', I had to transition because I couldn't stand living as I had anymore.  The dam broke and nothing was going to stop me!  Been done a while now and I only wish I had reached the breaking point much sooner.  Life is soooooo much better now.

That isn't a cliché, it's just our reality. My mom is in denial and accused me of just repeating stuff I'd read in books of how transsexuals are supposed to be. Uh, no, Mom, I truly am this way. I would not fake something like this--for cryin out loud!

You may be getting more than you asked for with this response. But I think this is very helpful for me to get this all out so I'll go with the flow on this one.

I feel a deep sense of obligation to my family and so they are the major reason why I've taken very, very few steps towards transitioning.

It's complicated as my "brother," now sister, came out to our parents that she is also transgendered; which I commend her for and am very proud that she can confront what I've been ignoring for many years. However, as soon as I heard, my first thought was that the small chance I had for transitioning had disappeared. Because as I hadn't spoken up I've been on the flipside of the equation. My parents have turned to me with their thoughts and worries. I don't fear being on the opposite end of that, but I don't want to bring them through this all over again. Not to mention that my sister is still in the early stages of transitioning, and I don't want to do anything that might influence her as she's always looked up to me. I want her to make the right decision for her and not jump into something because I inadvertently put the idea in her head.

And so I try to keep things status quo.  I let my hair grow long, I wear make up and (mostly) feminine clothes. I day dream, and just dream, about being the man I see myself as and try to get use to the woman I see the mirror. For the most part I'm able to deal with it, probably because I hang onto the hope that when I'm older when my parents have passed on and everyone else's lives are settled I might be able to start working on my life.

Sorry for another mind numbing introspective post. I'm going to try and stop myself from posting anymore of those.  :-X

Quote from: Osiris on February 13, 2008, 01:19:29 AM
You may be getting more than you asked for with this response. But I think this is very helpful for me to get this all out so I'll go with the flow on this one.

I feel a deep sense of obligation to my family and so they are the major reason why I've taken very, very few steps towards transitioning.

It's complicated as my "brother," now sister, came out to our parents that she is also transgendered; which I commend her for and am very proud that she can confront what I've been ignoring for many years. However, as soon as I heard, my first thought was that the small chance I had for transitioning had disappeared. Because as I hadn't spoken up I've been on the flipside of the equation. My parents have turned to me with their thoughts and worries. I don't fear being on the opposite end of that, but I don't want to bring them through this all over again. Not to mention that my sister is still in the early stages of transitioning, and I don't want to do anything that might influence her as she's always looked up to me. I want her to make the right decision for her and not jump into something because I inadvertently put the idea in her head.

And so I try to keep things status quo.  I let my hair grow long, I wear make up and (mostly) feminine clothes. I day dream, and just dream, about being the man I see myself as and try to get use to the woman I see the mirror. For the most part I'm able to deal with it, probably because I hang onto the hope that when I'm older when my parents have passed on and everyone else's lives are settled I might be able to start working on my life.

Sorry for another mind numbing introspective post. I'm going to try and stop myself from posting anymore of those.  :-X

Wow Thats really a rare occurence isnt it, brother and sister are both transgendered!! There is one other time I have seen this I think you can google it and find it, I saw it on this one transgendered television show I think...

I think that is really neat, I would embrace it, after all your parents are probally gonna flip, but I think ultimatly it will help them in the long run accept your sister and ultimately you!!

I agree, it's so neat that you would even out the gender balance in your family by transitioning, Osiris. What a rare and symmetrical arrangement! It would be easier to sell than my predicament--I have four sisters and no brothers! Very lopsided.

Please don't apologize for posting about your situation, because after all, that's exactly what this forum is meant for. Work through your issues, find support, advice, and useful information. Haven't you noticed everyone else filling up these forums with introspective posts just like yours? This affliction by its nature forces us all to turn introspective.

Yes, what the ladies said.

I wouldn't worry too much about influencing your sister -- transitioning is a long process, with safeguards intended to make sure it's what she really wants. Still, it is a valid concern, and it's good that you have thought of it already.

Your parents may be a harder matter. I don't think you should delay anything for their sake, though: the longer you do that, the more you will start to resent them for keeping you back. That's both unhealthy and unfair to them, and the end result is likely to be something much harder for them than you coming out and transitioning.

(By the by, cool idea naming yourself after a god with a prosthetic penis.)

  Nfr

1 money
2 money
3 money
4 money
5 money
etc

Thank you all for your responses. I never thought about my transitioning as evening out the gender balance. That's a great way to think about it and somehow makes the prospect of transitioning a bit more feasible.

Renate, mara, Hypatia, and Seshatneferw: has anyone ever said that you're inspirational? ;) Thanks for inspiring me to take more steps towards my goal. I doubt I'll come out anytime soon, but I'll stop denying what's staring me in the face.

Seshatneferw, I WHAT?! J/K. ;D

thats a great start... Just go at your own comfortable pace, you will be fine, in fact hopefully you will be better.

In the last four months since i have come to terms with what is staring me in the face, I have become so much happier of a person.

My life has only been improving...  Good luck Osiris.

Quote from: Osiris on February 13, 2008, 03:58:53 PM
Seshatneferw, I WHAT?! J/K. ;D

It's one of the classics in Egyptian mythology.

In short, Osiris didn't get along with his brother Seth (not so surprising, since the former started out as essentially the god of the Nile valley and the latter of the surrounding desert). Seth eventually killed Osiris and chopped him up; the goddess Isis (with help from Anubis, after this episode the god of embalming and other fun stuff like that) collected all the pieces of her late husband, except for his penis which had been eaten by a crab or a fish.

Well, of course marital relations are much easier if there is a penis in the family, so Isis made a new one for her dearly departed husband. Since his body was now complete she blew some life into it (being goddess and all that, and having help from a couple of other gods), and they lived happily long enough to get a son, Horus, who later avenged his father. Soon after conception Osiris decided that since he had died he should play the part, and became the god of the dead.

So, anyway, yes: after his transition from being dead to alive again, he had a prosthetic penis and even used it to sire a son. I thought you knew -- but in any case I think it's cool.

  Nfr

Oh dear, I guess my online humor didn't come across too well. <_<

But thanks for posting the story for anyone who was curious. I'm glad you got the story behind the name. :)

Whoops, my bad. Now I see what you mean, but of course hindsight is 20/10.

Still, be glad that it was just the very short version -- the full story would make a season or two of soap opera, save for being funnier and having much more sex and violence. ;)

  Nfr

I'm all for that. However, that's for another thread.  :D

Quote"When you are ready to lose everything, you are ready to transition.  That doesn't mean you WILL lose everything, just that you have to be prepared to do so."

I "couldn't" transition for a number of reasons:
1. I"ll never pass.
2. I'll be rejected by my family.
3. I'll be rejected by my friends.
4. I'll be a freak in society.
5. I don't have the courage.
6. I can live okay without transitioning.

You pegged my fears completely! Add these two :
7.I'm about to finish my 4 year degree and transitioning could kill my chances of getting hired where I want because of discrimination.
8.My 80K+ school debt is enough to worry about.

Your therapist was totally right though. The middle of last summer I got to the point where if I lost it all.. it would have been worth the shot.

Rock!
Dee

It's a money problem for me.
But engineers tend to make enough money I guess.
Then again school debt is a big deal as well.

Blast it, full steam ahead after this summer.
I figure I'm already in the hole for school, what's a little more debt on top of that?

Besides, I only get one go at this life, I want to live it the way I'm supposed to live it.

Quote from: Maddie Suzumiya on February 18, 2008, 01:59:06 PMBesides, I only get one go at this life, I want to live it the way I'm supposed to live it.

BINGO.