Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

Yes, I believe you should talk about who you are! Answer questions about transexuality....of course!  Nothing too personal of course thats not thier business. But without questions and answers how else are people going to understand us and know we are just humans the same as they are, that we have feelings too! I say talk to anyone who wants to know, even the ones that don't! Strangers, coworkers,  friends, family, the world! When your comfortable and ready though!  Just my opinion.

With strangers and acquaintances, if they're perceptive enough to ask, then they deserve my honesty. I was in a wheelchair for awhile once, and I vastly preferred direct questions to the typical reaction of trying to dance around the issue.

If they make it clear ahead of time that they don't approve of different ways of being, then no, I try to stay stealth. Or if I'm not passing, I try to just act like I'm a regular girl and there's nothing to talk about so therefore lets end the conversation.

Sometimes it does get more complicated than all that. I think safety and social acceptance occasionally require a little deception, and that does not sully your integrity. You can still be a good and honest person while occasionally telling lies about whether you have a penis or vagina. There comes a point where it's nobody's business but your own.

Everyone else has pretty much summed up my opinion already, but to reiterate, I think that the more people get to know and see transgender people out in public, the more we will gain acceptance. It is near impossible to gain public acceptance if they do not understand us and all of their knowledge is based off of what they've seen on the news and prime-time television. For that reason I am trying to be as open as possible about it and document my transition on my blog to the best of my ability.

That being said I think it is important to gauge the situation and avoid any danger or ill-intent.

I said this in a post many moons ago. That a friend, and female coworker, was happy and accepting for my decisions, but was unhappy if people asked her why and how I was changing. I thought that was a good point and I told her if anyone asks to tell them to come to me and ask. It was not up to her to out me, and that is what she was nervous about. I have had a few people  come to me, at work, and I have told them the truth, but I don't walk around with a banner, and I do not preach.

Cindy

As I am totally 'out' as a lesbian, I find that tends to distract  any potential questions  about masculine appearance etc.  People tend to see what they want or expect to see.
If someone is genuinely interested and seems likely to react in a positive way I will talk about it.

I'm somewhat stealth myself...If I've known someone for a while, I'll say something, but I don't like to say anything if I just got to know someone. I'd rather they get to know me as I am now, before opening up about something I consider a bit more "personal". That and it avoids having to answer a stranger's awkward questions. I'd rather get to know someone's personality first, so I know the best way to answer their questions.

I don't visually pass 100%. First impression is actually a bit of a roulette for me. But I pass enough that when I say I'm male, people don't question it. I actually had one girl in my Russian class who, upon discovering I was an anime fan, said, "Oh God...and your hot too!" (apparently geeks/nerds are a turn-on for her) And my close friends who know agree, apparently my more feminine features make me more attractive as a male. o.o

i think its perfectly fine to talk about it.

However, I am pretty much stealth at work and very few people know about me being trans at school. So, I just don't talk about it a lot for the exception of my youtube, blogs and a couple other sites. I will talk about me being trans if there is a guy who seems interested in me and I in him.

It's just something that isn't on my agenda.

I guess it's like a gay or lesbian talking about them being gay or lesbian. Sure, they talk about it, but it's nowhere near the focal points on their lives in discussions. The same goes for me.

For years now I have had the rule: If someone asks me a direct question, I will give a direct answer. But I don't go around advertising it and don't blink an eye when the topic of conversation (for whatever reason) wanders generally into "trans territory" (although in those situations I can't help wondering if I am being baited or if it is just coincidence. Either way, I don't take the bait). 

Only once has anyone asked me outright, and I gave the direct answer. It went very well, no problems. I suspect that subsequently he told several people at the office, because suddenly some folks there were more friendly than they had been. Maybe my imagination, but in any case no problems came from it.

well i believe if you ask i say i ain't a boy just a tomboy enough said :)

I am deeply divided on this.   One part of me wants to tell everyone and even to have it on file.   In sharp contrast another part equally strong wants to keep my gender status are very closely guarded secret.

If someone asks me, then I'll tell that person. I'm not going to tell random people when I meet them, though. I prefer to be considered like any other gay male and that perception would probably change once outing myself unless they had gotten to know me first. My gay friends are the same way. It's just a technique to help avoid prejudice. Once you legitimately consider someone a friend, finding out that he/she is homo/transsexual isn't (usually) going to make you want to have nothing to do with that person.

That said, in LGBT support groups, I don't hide anything. I don't shout out to everyone that I'm trans, but if we're doing a weekly update and I have a new medical thing, or have problems/breakthroughs with my name, then I'll share that even though it alludes to my trans status.
Also, I'm completely out to my entire school because I'm transitioning and it's a tiny school. In general, I prefer to be stealth, but I'm not going to hide my childhood or personal experiences/stories just because of some strange condition.

Quote from: Jen-jenYes, I believe you should talk about who you are! Answer questions about transexuality....of course!  Nothing too personal of course thats not thier business. But without questions and answers how else are people going to understand us and know we are just humans the same as they are, that we have feelings too! I say talk to anyone who wants to know, even the ones that don't! Strangers, coworkers,  friends, family, the world! When your comfortable and ready though!  Just my opinion.

This.

.....though Stealth is not an option for me ...... if it was, I'd be quiet as a mouse

I'm also is several minds about this question.

Part of me wants to shout it from the roof tops. It isn't the ephany, it's the cartharsis. I hate being seen as I do, I hate even more having to play the part.

That leads to the second thought, how much of the pretense has been mine? I haven't fooled myself, but I have spent much of my life playing along with the preceptions and social expectations of others. I know what I am but have allowed what amounts to the threats of society, threats to castigate, to isolate, to attack, to ostracise, to influence how I managed my own life. I've played a part, written for someone else. But more, I've betrayed myself, who I am, what I am and in doing so, I've betrayed others in my situation. All those people out there, like me, pushed by social expectations and threat, to look and act like something else. I've let them down as much as myself.

Part of me wants to just live according to who I am, rather than what I fear. I don't need to wander around telling everyone I'm actually female, but look male, as if I am coming out of some hypothetical closet, seeking permission or confrontation. I am what I am.

In a way, I have thought about this in the past. I have thought about ticking the F box on forms. But in all honesty, the consequence of that will almost certainly be that I'd be told I was causing trouble, or even fraud.

I just don't see myself as some sort of TG version of Rosa Parks, taking on the entire legal structure, not to mention, the social norms of my society. I want to live without shame and the fear of shame. But I'm just not the one to take on the world.

I use to post videos on YouTube to talk about trans issues which helped so many others going through this hectic journey. But I think I'm slowly changing my way of thinking. I just want to be seen as a woman, period. So, once I get my FFS and SRS, I'll probably just fade away and blend into society as just another woman. I'll leave the past where it belongs, in the past.

I don't intend to ever hide my past, it's part of who I am. If people ask me questions, they'll get answers.. I know a lot of you plan on going 'stealth', but having seen how fragile that can actually be, I'm not going to bother..

I see no point in hiding myself away, I've done that for far too long.. I don't intend to wane a flag or have it tattooed across my forehead, but I will always take the opportunity to educate and inform..

Stealth is sadly impossible these days unless you don't plan on working or having anything to do with education, the government, insurance, travel, medicine and finance.   We are all so well documented these days that sooner rather than later someone is going to find out about your past.

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on October 11, 2011, 06:31:42 PM
Stealth is sadly impossible these days unless you don't plan on working or having anything to do with education, the government, insurance, travel, medicine and finance.   We are all so well documented these days that sooner rather than later someone is going to find out about your past.

Depends on when your papers are changed.  I got out of high school with a degree in my new name, and once I get SRS and can get a reissued birth certificate and driver's license all of my papers will have been changed.  I've had no relevant work experience under another name, so that isn't a problem, either.

Practically speaking, how am I going to get outed after that beyond by an old acquaintance with a vendetta?

Depending on your location, your reissued BC may list your old name. And it may turn up as part of a full background check..

I'm willing to answer questions asked out genuine curiosity (within reason) and asked respectfully. Explicit questions about anatomy or sexuality I'll answer only if the asker will answer the same question first.

I don't talk about it unless I am going to bed with someone or if they ask. As anyone who has me added on fb knows, I talk about everything else but trans related stuff. Doesn't mean people don't know... I just feel there is other stuff to focus on than my identity.

I used to talk about it all the time when no one even asked and I just decided to stop and not care.

I'm pretty okay with talking about most things if it relates to me being trans. Yes, I have boundaries, at least I think I do, I just haven't found any yet. I like being able to answer questions about a life-style that is often misunderstood and hated. I think that educating the masses about us and who we are is the first step is acceptance, it's when we hide it and act like it's shameful and dirty that rumors start flying around.

One of the reasons stealth threads generate so many responses is because there is no right answer to this question.  The answer is basically how you want to live your life.  And to be honest, the issue never really comes up with me unless I put it out there.  Most people that say you should talk about being trans, coincidentally like talking about it.  Of course I'm going to tell someone who I want to be in a relationship with.  And of course I'm going to tell my sexual partners (well, never say never, maybe not).  But, I have no desire to educate the masses on all things trans, nor am I an authority.

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on October 11, 2011, 06:31:42 PM
Stealth is sadly impossible these days unless you don't plan on working or having anything to do with education, the government, insurance, travel, medicine and finance.   We are all so well documented these days that sooner rather than later someone is going to find out about your past.

I'm not as resigned as you about giving up my privacy.  I think a lot of people will think there is some mistake if they find you are associated with 2 different names and genders.  If someone really wants to go through the trouble of digging up my past, then let them.  But I'm not going to hand it over to them unless they give me a good reason to.

I think it's really important to be open to some people in your life.  Different people, depending on who you are.  On the other hand, I also think it's very important that you are opaque to most of the people in your life.  Just another ordinary person, about whom, it's none of their business your past, your sexuality, or your personal business.

Yes to all. It is all about educating

Quote from: Jen61 on October 18, 2011, 08:44:58 PM
Yes to all. It is all about educating

Not really. Some people don't care and it is a sensitive subject to many. Don't answer questions no one asked.

But you can educate people... I just don't want to answer any questions.

I've started talking about it more because I'm really fed up with trying to pass. I just need to go about my day, and saying I'm trans ends the conversation a lot faster, and usually erases the awkwardness in the person who can't figure my gender and apparently feels the need to. If they ask questions, fine. They usually don't.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 08, 2011, 10:33:24 PM
What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

I depends on how I feel about why they are asking. If its honest questions and they are trying to understand, yes I'll talk about it.
I feel my answers might put a better light on it than some of the press stories they hear. If I feel I'm just being trapped and the conversation won't end any better than it began Its not worth starting it.
Its not something I start a conversation about.
I've had to get used to it though, anonymity doesn't go over well in my workplace.

I believe that you should only talk about it if that is what you want.

I don't really like should-s.

Me on the other hand, I'm open 'bout it.
I don't introduce myself as Hans Trans, but if the topic, or a related topic, comes up, I speak openly and honestly and I answer every question I get, even if the answer it "That's too personal, I'm not comfortable talking about it."
And somehow I've accidentally ended up passing so well in my current physical therapy group that people don't question my male-ness to the point where I've actually been asked (since I've mentioned my husband and daughter) whether I used to date girls then....

Kinda awkward since I expected half to be recognized from my TV interview...

If someone is comfortable enough to ask then i'm comfortable enough to answer.

When I first came out some people seemed to go out of their way to ask embarassing questions, each person ended up more embarassed than me.

One or two people at work are perfectly comfortable with my situation & frequently ask questions, i've now advised people that if they have a question they should consider 2 facts, can they handle an honest answer & would others around them want to hear the answer.
Everyone who's been told about my rules has abided by them & any questions that may be embarassing are left until no-one else is around.

I'll pretty much, and with complete truth and candor, answer any question anybody asks me.  I know it's the least ambitious course to take.  It's the lazy and easy path.  I never have to worry about what I've told to who.  But I simply don't care enough about others to worry about how they might judge it, and I do care enough about myself to care a whole lot that people who like me, like me for being me.  It's also extremely liberating.  But that's just a bonus.

I know I should, but i avoid it 99% of the time.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 08, 2011, 10:33:24 PM
What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

should you talk about who you are?

Yes... of course. Thats why its important to know who you are. Its integral to being alive, like breathing. If you are some kind of trans person, speak trans. Speak whoever you are. Be happy, stand straight, look people in the eye, smile.

I believe we are always evolving, always changing, always discovering, always growing. I live for today and who I am today is not who I was yesterday. Be present and declare this is me ...whoever that might be. The stars will align with your beliefs.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 08, 2011, 10:33:24 PM
What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

I don't mind talking about being trans, and I enjoy answering questions. I'm not open and out to everyone... but I don't mind letting someone know if I feel like it.

How, when and if you should talk about being trans depends on your personality, how much responsibility you want to take, how comfortable you are  answering questions as well as your environment, the person asking and your safety. Regardless of how much you want to save the world you have to take care of yourself first. I'm beginning with this because its something I struggle with. Transitioning has consumed a large part of my identity and while I love the man I'm becoming the strain of constantly explaining and defending my identity can be overwhelming.

Personally I like to talk about it. I know I'm not the first guy to transition on my campus, but I'm the one that is making changes because I'm so vocal. I'm the guy that has taken surveys back to the professor that created them and said "this lacks content validity, you only listed two genders"...and he fixed the survey! If I see people straying toward a binary view of gender I'll throw curveballs out to try and get them to think. Because I am visible, people come to me with questions. I encourage this because I hope that if they get their answers then maybe they won't be tempted to ask them to someone who will be bothered or hurt by them.

At the same time I appreciate peoples desire for privacy, and many of the questions I answer fall in the category of no one's business. For those I'll usually answer, I'm comfortable with the path I am taking, but I will explain why the question could be harmful. I would love to reach a point where gender, sex and those who fall outside of the traditional categories are taught without bias along with generic sex ed so those of us who research it for our knowledge can put aside the sense of obligation to train a cisnormative society. I realize that is a long way away, but a guy can dream.

From my perspective if answering questions now gets us to that point, I'll answer anything you can think of.

I'm completely out in all aspects of my life. I do classroom speaking and LGBTQ ally training panels, I keep a blog (hopefully a vlog soon!), I regularly post on FB, and I've made it clear to my coworkers that they are free to approach me about it or ask questions. I'm not embarrassed talking about it and I don't want them to feel embarrassed asking.

Quite often, I've bumped into an old acquaintance or someone I went to HS with and they'll tell me that someone they know transitioned as well. So far there's been 3 or 4 they consider(ed) close friends, an aunt (formerly uncle), a wife (formerly husband), and two of my coworkers used to work for an SRS surgeon.

Being open has drawn people too me, and more often than not I gain respect for my gender identity that I didn't have until I told the person, "It's ok. I'm open about it." Often there's a noticeable hesitation or discomfort around me. I'm barely passing; most people read me as male on sight. But because I have a very well passing voice, once I start speaking it pushes them to thinking, "Ohhh, stone butch. I get it now." Several times I've had to correct people that no, I'm not a butch lesbian, I'm trans.

I'm a teacher at heart. So I don't mind questions, or even the same questions. My goal in all this is to normalize this as best I can, so that no one else has to go through life thinking trans* is all about the surgery and nothing else, and that life has to be horrible if going out in public like that is even on your radar. And you know the image that comes to mind there. It wasn't until this year that I learned how utterly wrong that image is, and am I ever glad I did.

I would probably sooner want to talk about backne or toe fungus with the general public than about being trans.

And I especially don't want to talk about it because I don't want to put words in the mouth of other trans people that frankly have nothing to do with me or how I think or feel. I don't really want them to speak for me either but whatever.

There's a theme with coffee and teacups on this site. I think they're in like five avatars of people who post regularly.

I understand not wanting to talk about it, but our invisibility is why when trans stuff is mentioned, it's usually in some horrific or slanderous way. And why discrimination against us raises few eyebrows.

However, I second Miniar's statement. The right thing for me to do is not going to necessarily be the right thing for any other given person to do.

Quote from: Felix on October 27, 2011, 11:28:38 PM
There's a theme with coffee and teacups on this site. I think they're in like five avatars of people who post regularly.

The teacup is just a bunny accessory  :)

The bunny is awesome.  ;D

Quote from: pretty on October 27, 2011, 07:37:59 PM
I would probably sooner want to talk about backne or toe fungus with the general public than about being trans.

...I think I just vomited in my mouth a little. :-X

Quote from: pretty on October 28, 2011, 03:53:36 AM
The teacup is just a bunny accessory  :)

:D What is it about estrogen that makes us love adorable things?

Quote:D What is it about estrogen that makes us love adorable things?

I hope to god I still love adorable things when I'm on testosterone. Lol I'll love them in a manly way.

That sounds so messed up. Okay I'll just still find them adorable.

if you're going to engage in a relationship, it might be best to be upfront

Quote from: Akashiya Moka on October 28, 2011, 11:08:06 PM
:D What is it about estrogen that makes us love adorable things?

I don't really think it's estrogen related,.. my hubby's easy to make go "awwwww..."

Quote from: Felix on October 29, 2011, 12:15:44 AM
I hope to god I still love adorable things when I'm on testosterone. Lol I'll love them in a manly way.

That sounds so messed up. Okay I'll just still find them adorable.

LOL, guys who like cute things are cute too! :laugh:

Quote from: Miniar on October 29, 2011, 01:27:41 PM
I don't really think it's estrogen related,.. my hubby's easy to make go "awwwww..."

Yeah... ;D But is he silently squealing in his head (+1000 decibels) like a Belieber whenever he lays eyes on anything cute?

Quote from: Felix on October 29, 2011, 12:15:44 AM
I hope to god I still love adorable things when I'm on testosterone.

You're not? O.o

Then based on that avatar pic I'd say you won the genetic lottery for FtM, dude. :-P

Quote from: LifeInNeon on October 30, 2011, 04:04:13 AM
You're not? O.o

Then based on that avatar pic I'd say you won the genetic lottery for FtM, dude. :-P

I've noticed a lot of trans men are really masculine looking even before testosterone. :)

Quote from: Akashiya Moka on October 30, 2011, 03:22:12 AM
Yeah... ;D But is he silently squealing in his head (+1000 decibels) like a Belieber whenever he lays eyes on anything cute?

Not when he goes aww, but sometimes he gets that look on his face and I go "aww" cause I know he's squeaking internally cause it's cute and then he pouts and goes "sshhh" and blushes.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 08, 2011, 10:33:24 PM
What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

i think each case is individually different so it's really hard to say

Quote from: LifeInNeon on October 30, 2011, 04:04:13 AM
You're not? O.o

Then based on that avatar pic I'd say you won the genetic lottery for FtM, dude. :-P

Yay thank you.  ;D

Lol but I made such an ugly woman. xD

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on October 08, 2011, 10:33:24 PM
What is your philosphy...should you talk about who you are? Should you answer questions if people ask? If so, who would you talk to about it? Strangers? Coworkers? etc

Discuss.

  Hell no....i mean if it's completely obvious they know your trans then yeah but if not i say don't rock the boat. =/

Quote from: Rukia87xo on November 04, 2011, 05:39:23 PM
  Hell no....i mean if it's completely obvious they know your trans then yeah but if not i say don't rock the boat. =/

Male coworkers hit on me often... I'm not gonna say, "Hey bro, I got a penis...let's go in the bathroom and compare sizes"

That would make them feel uncomfortable.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 04, 2011, 05:41:48 PM
Male coworkers hit on me often... I'm not gonna say, "Hey bro, I got a penis...let's go in the bathroom and compare sizes"

That would make them feel uncomfortable.

  Yeah ikr  :laugh: 

  *talks in deep voice* "Hey browski i'm really a dude!" 

  Yeah i'm not doing that.   :icon_hahano:

Quote from: Rukia87xo on November 04, 2011, 05:47:48 PM

  Yeah ikr  :laugh: 

  *talks in deep voice* "Hey browski i'm really a dude!" 

  Yeah i'm not doing that.   :icon_hahano:

If there's not a problem, don't create one...thats the lesson of the day. I am not gonna out myself for no reason.

I worked in a sports stadium. No one questioned I was anything but female, even when my managers tried to out me. HR knew what I was doing and stuff... So I had a ton of protection from my bosses. But non of the customers and this is an ultra masculine atmosphere never said anything..

I got called my boy name and some guy was like, "stop calling her that"... Many men didn't make the connection til I bragged about being a ts on fb...