Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone!

That is a stupid and serious question I always asked myself.

I have met this girl on the internet. She want's to go out for shopping and all.
If I have to go, do I use the boys or the women bathroom? I am dress, I feel like a women but I never used the women's bathroom before. It would be my first day out by the way.

My question is what do you do? You hold it in... I hope not.

I feel so weird right now... :) but it's kind of funny  ;D

tell me,

Serenity

The first times out are always tough.  I highly recommend that you avoid restrooms for your first adventures out.  I would definitely advise that you go before ;)  But of course, this all depends on how well you pull it off.  Just be aware of what is going on around you.

Cindi

Advice from my therapist:

If you use the restroom of your target gender, not your so-called 'birth' gender (assuming you're dressed and presenting as your true gender,) go in, take care of business, and get out.  Don't dawdle.  If you're going to fix your lipstick, and the lighting is good in in the stalls, do it while you're in there -- but only if it's not busy.  If there's a line, go and then free it up for the next person.

As you make more trips, you'll become more accustomed to it, and you'll be able to dawdle a bit at the sink or the make-up counter.  It's really a matter of habituation.  As you become more comfortable, you'll pass (or 'pass') more easily.

But, the first time's the worst.  And I second Cindi's advice for your first time dressing.  You need to build your confidence before you, er, 'penetrate' the male-free zone of the women's restroom

Karen

All good advice, especially trying to avoid the rest room if at all possible.

It also depends on your ability to pass and the confidence level you have.Women naturally make conversation in restrooms,you can go in with a complete stranger, come out best of friends knowing their life story, so beware of that.

Don't do what one of my CD friends did, went into the ladies, got in a stall ... AND STOOD UP TO PEE.

Women and Men make totally different sounds and it was a dead give away.... she never made that embaressing mistake again.

Buffy

Another thing to be aware of are the legal issues.  In public places (malls, airports, etc.) it can be considered trespassing or some similar charge if you don't have a therapists letter in your purse and I actually saw a CD arrested in the Jacksonville Airport for using the ladies room.  If there is any chance you might be "read", Cindi's advice of hold it is best. 

Serenity,

After you get a few more posts, check my post where I tell about my first time out.  I'm afraid I didn't heed the advice here, and luckily it worked out OK for me.  More and more places, though, have unisex bathrooms.  That's always a good option.  If you go out en femme and go into the men's room, you are really asking for trouble.  If you go in with your friend, and you pass reasonably well, you should be fine.  I've noticed that women definitely have the herd mentality.  If you go in by yourself, just act natural and do nothing to draw attention to yourself.  Don't avoid eye contact with everybody, as that will make women suspicious as well.

Good luck.  And do post your experience of how it goes.

Kristi

Above all,  thank's to you all Kristi, Tinkerbell, BeverlyAnn, Karen and Cindi,

First thing First,

1- Look for unisex bathrooms
2- If none, use the womens bathrooms; don't be too long and avoid eye contact.
3 - hold it in :(
4 - Use the men bathrooms.. herrk! I is in your own risk.

I can pass for a women for a short period of time. Let's say 15 seconds. After that I am unmasked.  I tend to draw attention a lot because of my big eyes.

Thanks all of you,
Serenity

reality:  if you don't pass as a female, it is best to stay far away from any restrooms labeled [for women only] .

why?:  because women can get hysterical if [men] use [their] space.  furthermore, in some states, it is illegal to use a restroom which doesn't correspond with your birth gender.

To borrow from Katia, a guy isn't going to see what you are doing as criminal if you look female and use a guy's restroom.  You may not be so lucky the other way around.

Go to Starbucks as they only have private bathrooms. No stalls. As a male or female I always use the first one available. Do that when dressed too. But at least you will have privacy once you go in there. And if anyone stares at you when you leave, just ignore it and walk away.

Danielle

The men\'s room if you\'re presenting as male; the women\'s room if you\'re presenting as female or a non-gender-specific bathroom if you\'re in any place where someone has figured out that all genders use the toilet.

I agree with Kaita. if you can avoide going is a female restroom I would. A long long time ago when I was 18 I went to a show. I was in drag. I went to the ladies room and when I came out of the stall two women kind of stared at me. I went back to my seat to watch the show and before long a cop showed up and asked if I would step into the lounge. He asked me for ID. I showed him my drivers lisense and he said come with me. We got to the squad car and he was going to handcuff me. I said what are you going to do. He said take you downtown. I bolted. Ran like the wind and never turned back. I had checked into a motel close buy and could see him ridding around in circles looking for me. I was so scared. I jumped in my car and drove off. Went back to my grandmothers house and cleaned the makup off my face and thanked my lucky stars I was not handcuffed.
You have to be carefull

Deb

Deb, you outlaw, you!  ;)     Really, that must have scared the bejeebers out of you.  And maybe worse than that would be the humiliation.  So sorry.  I'd want to die!  Guess it didn't stop you though, did it?

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi

"furthermore, in some states, it is illegal to use a restroom which doesn't correspond with your birth gender." howz florida? lol... i kinda wanta know :)
Debisl, your story is amazing... absolutely...  :)
Serenity... i read somewhere you go as your presented...
that could be wrong. I never tried it..
i dressed in a skirt, and a few times in heels experimenting, i wasnt really fully presented female so i went to mens restroom. i got some strange looks but i had fun with it.
i guess im strange. anyways.. i hope you the best.

 I guess I was lucky he did not keep my ID after looking at it. I kept thinking all the way home, who would I have called to get me out of jail. This was one of my first outings. I guess I must have looked pretty bad for the women to go to the management. Good think I was quick learner. I was out and about soon after that.

Deb

Serenity.....I almost always use the ladies room.  They (we) are very polite.  Do Not avoid eye contact.  I'm ts, and so I feel like I belong there.  That's really the key, blending in.  I don't dress outlandishly.......I can get lost easily in a crowd.  I now pass very well,  and the times that are questionable stay just that way....questionable.

Okay....that's not advice.....that's me.  Soon, my driver's license will have a new picture, name, and gender.  So, at the moment, yes, I'm taking a risk.  However, once, a while ago, I had a redneck glare at me with total hatred.  That was at work, when I was presenting male.  He could see through it.  It's very hard for me to look male anymore.  But this guy HATED me!  Never spoke, never met him before in my life.  This also helps me choose the ladies room every time.  The last thing in the world I need is to have the crap beat out of me by an insecure Billy Bob.

Hope all's well,

Bev

Is there any rule about not using the family restroom when you are only one person?

*and on an aside, women can urinate standing up - I know that from a friend who sent me a guide on how to, just because he knew I was traveling. I personally have a tendency to turn around backwards in the stall - I'm sure that raises flags but with the exception of some girls in my third grade class who called me a boy, no one has ever said anything

I was only once out, and I used guys room, for P-ing and doing make-up. But, i was completely high on Ecstasy, so I didn't care a lot.
Now i know it was pretty dangerous, but in that moment i didn't care...
But, however, you need to be veeeery carefull!

I'm not CD..FTM..but before I was transitioning and got sirred even then I still used the women's room. I never got the cops called on me. Just strange looks and little kids saying stuff to their moms. Once I got asked by an employee at the grocery store I was in if I belonged in that restroom and I just said yes and ran. That was pre transition but I'm done with women's restrooms for good now that I'm full time. Men don't usually pay much attention to who's in there but I don't know how they'd react if a woman walked in.

Lance (aka Matt)

I say if you are dressed as a woman then by all means use the corresponding rest room. And yes, eye contact is a good thing. If someone looks at you smile and keep on doing what you are doing.

I am also going to add a little tid bit that nobody hasn't ever really discussed. The sounds of a women's rest room. When women use the toilet there is a distinct sound of fluid hitting the water. When someone not equipped as such sits down to pee the fluid hits the inside of the bowl and there is no sound. If i am just going to pee then I will sit back a little further than normal and be sure to force myself to aim at the water.

Also, unlike in the men's room were talking is a sure way to get your ass kicked, in the women's room it is expected almost. Women will carry on conversations the entire time they are in the rest room. This is an absolute. Sometimes we shut up but not always. ;)

The more you go through the ritual of using public facilities the more accustomed to the craziness you will be. Best of luck to you in your bathroom adventures :)

Quote from: BeverlyAnn on March 01, 2007, 11:47:02 PM
In public places (malls, airports, etc.) it can be considered trespassing or some similar charge if you don't have a therapists letter in your purse...

Does the letter really hold any legal value? I have one, but I wonder how useful it really is. And I figure it's not going to stop the women from screaming and calling the cops anyway.

I'm terrified at the moment to use *either* bathroom. Or either dressing room for that matter. The horrible thing is I'm *guessing* that at first glance I appear female... but won't really withstand any scrutiny. So if I go into a men's room, it's going to create a ton of confusion at first from anyone I encounter. But if I go into a women's room, they're gonna figure it out if they pay real any attention. I really just can't win.

I think I'm just going to avoid travel and clothes shopping for another six months or so ;)

~Kate~

EDIT: For what it's worth, I told my wife about my worries. She pondered it for a moment, as she's VERY cautious about most things, then said, "Well, if you're dressed as a woman, and look like a woman... you use the rooms for women."

the bottom line to the entire situation, as well as most situations, is your level of confidence. If you think you can then you will. If you don't then you won't. It is quite perplexing how so many different things can go into our judgment of what pot to pee in. :)

Quote from: Renae Lupini on May 26, 2007, 07:02:33 PM
the bottom line to the entire situation, as well as most situations, is your level of confidence. If you think you can then you will. If you don't then you won't.

LOL, that's not entirely true...

The first (and last) time I ever got maam'd was in Walmart, when I was in male clothing (this was only about 3 months HRT), dripping from rain, and crying because I was seeing all the women shopping and thinking about how I'd never, ever pass... being 6'2" and all.

I was heading for the men's dressing room when the attendent stopped me and pointed me to the women's section. The idea of passing was so far from my thoughts, I couldn't figure out what she meant at first.

Hmmm, although in a way, I guess DID have confidence... I mean wasn't acting nervous or anything because I just assumed I was passing as a male, lol.

~Kate~

I went to the bathroom sitting down my whole life (even when I was a child!!) and I always hit the water without sitting back, it hung straight down, maybe that was a sign :-) strange... :-).

I myself don't really think about it unless the bathroom is very very quiet. Often there's music, toilets going off, shoes clicking, people talking to others or on their cells. That's a funny thing, woman talk on their cells like crazy (or even start making calls) in bathrooms while men seem to close their phones before they go in.

For men. its in and out as quickly as possible, no loitering. I don't know what happens if you loiter... Do you wind up turning gay or something ;-).

Quote from: Keira on May 26, 2007, 07:26:06 PM

I went to the bathroom sitting down my whole life (even when I was a child!!) and I always hit the water without sitting back, it hung straight down, maybe that was a sign :-) strange... :-).

I myself don't really think about it unless the bathroom is very very quiet. Often there's music, toilets going off, shoes clicking, people talking to others or on their cells. That's a funny thing, woman talk on their cells like crazy (or even start making calls) in bathrooms while men seem to close their phones before they go in.

For men. its in and out as quickly as possible, no loitering. I don't know what happens if you loiter... Do you wind up turning gay or something ;-).

Confidence is merely the ability to not give a damn what people around you think so I would most certainly say you did have confidence. :)

Interesting. In the men's room I tend to go in, use the urinal ^_^ and get out. But if I gotta take a crap I go in, text a few people, get lost in thought, then realize I'm still here.

Lance

The carry letter does not hold any actual legal weight, but in terms of enforcement it does.
Even in Virginia, police officers are trained to let TS who have carry letters basically walk away from any incident.  It is not saying we are above the law by any means, rather it states that this is part of a recognized medical treatment. 

It is a bit complex, but the letters are helpful.  I have never encountered anybody who had to use one, but I have heard stories where a person was able to walk away because the officer read the letter and explained the situation to the other party.

Restrooms are a risk of the process in some states without gender identity nondiscrimination laws.   

Quote from: Amy T. on June 06, 2007, 02:24:52 PM
The carry letter does not hold any actual legal weight, but in terms of enforcement it does.
Even in Virginia, police officers are trained to let TS who have carry letters basically walk away from any incident.  It is not saying we are above the law by any means, rather it states that this is part of a recognized medical treatment. 

It is a bit complex, but the letters are helpful.  I have never encountered anybody who had to use one, but I have heard stories where a person was able to walk away because the officer read the letter and explained the situation to the other party.

Restrooms are a risk of the process in some states without gender identity nondiscrimination laws.   

I had a puzzled reaction to using my old ID even though the info on it was still legally correct when going on base one time. At that point in time I kept a black binder with me that had all of my paperwork in it. I showed the letter to the guard and he had the lok of "AHHHH, I get it now" and told me to have a good day.

Did I have to show the papers? Not at all. It was my choice to show him the letter than try and break down my entire life in two minutes. :)

After reading all the replies to this thread, I have to conclude it depends on where you live.

In Portland, we've been out several times with folks along the whole spectrum of passability, and have never been hassled in the ladies' room.  This is not just at "gender events" but just in general.

I always assumed I'd just explain -- calmly -- that it's better to risk complaints about the ladies' room than to risk personal injury as a cross-dressed man in the men's room.  If a proprietor wants to kick me out, then that's OK, they can lose my business.  I've never heard of anyone having trouble with police, but Portland tends to be on the accepting side for a number of things.

Regards!
Robin