Susan's Place Transgender Resources

From the other SO's perspective:

I kept my secret life a secret for 7 years after my S.O. and I met, we fell in love, decided to have a baby, made life plans, entwined financially, and essentially became two halves of the same person. Some may say that I was quite the selfish person to allow such things to happen while hiding away this incredible, enormous, integral part of myself. Hell, I've been called many, many things such as: fraud, pervert, psycho, fairy, even at one time equated to a sexual predator... many of these things by people I don't really know, and it has been my belief that it's my charge to allow all of this to roll off my back, to allow the abuse and accept it as necessary retribution for the massive misrepresentation that I allowed to continue for so very long.

My significant other has known for three years, and I have been in transition for about one. It is not hard to equate my behavior to the behavior of a criminal, and I have been made to feel as such for quite a long time. I don't wish to seek out sympathy, only, allow me to inform:

The beast of burden can only travel quite so far under heavy load. A harbored secret is poisonous to the very soul, and its uncovering allows something festering inside of a person the things it needs in order to begin to heal. It is not uncommon for many trans people to rush in at the first sign of daylight, but I have not rushed at all. There has always been a calm about me, a metered response to every transitional life event. Once my casting off was complete I hefted upon my wife an incredible burden of equal stress to the one I felt melting away. As I became free, her world and the world I once ascribed to fell apart, and this is where my point of view comes from. Though, I suppose it would serve no one to suggest that I somehow became "free."

When I broke down and told her about my being trans I was (unknowingly) only months away from becoming unemployed, and I searched high and low for another job for another full year, without saying a word about the issue again, until I found a measly retail gig that offered on-call status. But I was to them still clearly an able "man." It can be construed that my transition and trans status prolonged my unemployment, and ended my ability to succeed in the blue collar world that I so efficiently and successfully navigated before. I couldn't conduct what I thought was the great disaster any longer, I knew I had to give up everything if I were to go on living. With my body now unable to throw loads, and my nature altered in such a way that I was no longer capable of commanding "Men," I tossed aside the idea of ever becoming the high paid young and successful supervisor, the eventual tire industry exec I was on track to become. Out of concern my friend started firing people so that I could have a part time  entry level job in grocery. I adjusted, and I have suffered incredibly for it.

The new stresses of passing, insolvency, chronic depression finally affecting my judgment, and involvement with government agencies have converted more of my hair to gray. They have caused verbal eruptions in the household, and have also made it a worse environment for my daughter to bear. I do not enjoy trying to sometimes find an excuse not to play with my baby because I'm just too depressed to move. I have often told people that I just don't care what happens anymore. These are things that have happened due to promises made prior to transition, I promised to finish putting my wife through school, I promised I would not leave anyone worse off... Things are definitely worse, and I know it's my fault. I'm reminded it's my fault every day. This is the price I pay, but it is a very heavy toll. A few months ago the stress reached all the way down into the foundation of my being and I began to feel as though I would do absolutely anything required (even prostitution) to make ends meet. I lost my moral footing.

In my case, transition has served no practical purpose. I am alive, I suppose. Well, the fact that I am here typing this is proof that I feel quite a bit more than I did pre-transition, and I think my life is worth sharing and living. I guess I'm just here to say that a transitioning person knows they are quite possibly putting their SO through hell, but it is also quite possible that they still feel a large amount of empathy for the people they are effecting, and the stress everywhere can make everyone involved much worse off.

I must rush off to work, and I wish I were more clear, I guess I'm reaching out to sympathetic SO's because I don't have one, even though I still have an SO...

I guess I know I was wrong, and I can't really handle the consequences of my actions.

But you aren't wrong, you're just up against adversity. Maybe more than you deserve, but all we can do is keep moving forward. Each step you take puts that much more of the journey behind you. Hugs, Tracey

Hi Emma, I also think your NOT wrong, I think your going above and beyond.  Your suffering is from something your born with, if you do not get help then it will most of the time get worst.  If your wife knew this and loved you I think she would try to help you to get relief and help.
the vows were till death do us part, if you got sick she would try to help you right, is this any different, I don't think it is, you have a condition that doctors have the ability to help, is it wrong to get help, I don't think so.
Hang in there EM, aloha.

Jennie :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Nope, she doesn't care.

Doesn't think she should have to. Whatever, I have poured literally hundreds of thousands of dollars, an insane amount of labor / hours, emotion, and genetic material into this relationship. She will be the first ever college graduate from her family - in any generation, and I made that possible. She has an extended family that is well off, and will take care of her and my child, just in case.

I'm broken, but I'm not dead yet :/

You were born the way you are. You could see that nobody wanted you to be that way so you fought it and fought it and fought it. It isn't fair that you should have to feel bad for being yourself. It isn't fair that giving in to unbearable pressure should reflect negatively on you.

Your spouse has the right to be upset and torn up by these changes, but you yourself shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 03, 2011, 12:55:02 PM
Nope, she doesn't care.

Doesn't think she should have to. Whatever, I have poured literally hundreds of thousands of dollars, an insane amount of labor / hours, emotion, and genetic material into this relationship. She will be the first ever college graduate from her family - in any generation, and I made that possible. She has an extended family that is well off, and will take care of her and my child, just in case.

I'm broken, but I'm not dead yet :/

Two questions...did you have your child in your early 20s and are you planning on getting srs?

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 04, 2011, 02:40:07 PM
Two questions...did you have your child in your early 20s and are you planning on getting srs?

Yes and yes. Some of us conduct what would be considered terrible experiments in the face of supposed "fait accompli ",  they sometimes render beautiful, life saving results.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 04, 2011, 03:42:30 PM
Yes and yes. Some of us conduct what would be considered terrible experiments in the face of supposed "fait accompli ",  they sometimes render beautiful, life saving results.

Oh... What are you talking about?

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 04, 2011, 03:58:36 PM
Oh... What are you talking about?

I was ready to die as I was,  unhappy,  certain that my fate was already sealed. My daughter was part of the plan to help me cope. Instead, she helped propel my transition.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 04, 2011, 04:04:42 PM
I was ready to die as I was,  unhappy,  certain that my fate was already sealed. My daughter was part of the plan to help me cope. Instead, she helped propel my transition.

Ready to die? You have a long life ahead of you. Btw, I don't speak smart people.

Hi Emma, I think your doing a great job, do what you have to do to finish your promises and then tie up the loose ends and live your life and be happy.
I hope things get better very soon, I know it might seem like this problem might take a long time to get rid of, by problem I am speaking of your SO, but time just keeps on ticking and it will pass and in no time at all you will be in a better position, one to make yourself happy, happy with your life and your kids too.
Death is a way out but it is never THE way out.
If you ever need to talk or just vent, feel free to send me an email.
I remember when you first came to Susan's, you have come far and made good progress, keep up the good work.
Aloha.

Jennie

Hi Emma,hang in there.Many Hugs,Rachael.

Your daughter is an experiment  ???

You sound like you have bigger issues than GID. I'd really evaluate your life and that of your daughter before you go down this road.

Seriously, a lot of your posts reflect some depression and tension that I think your transition is only going to make worse. I'd get into some kind of therapy asap, if I were you.

Quote from: pretty on November 07, 2011, 11:07:23 PM
Your daughter is an experiment  ???

No, not really. My daughter WAS part of the grand experiment I was conducting in order to cope with dysphoria, I was to live out the rest of my life as male until I forced myself to die of a heart attack at about 40. I even bought life insurance because I was sure that's how I was gonna roll. Once she was born I realized I could not be her father, but I wanted to live and love her forever. I realized I must be honest if she is to see me as a role model.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 07, 2011, 11:16:42 PM
No, not really. My daughter WAS part of the grand experiment I was conducting in order to cope with dysphoria, I was to live out the rest of my life as male until I forced myself to die of a heart attack at about 40. I even bought life insurance because I was sure that's how I was gonna roll. Once she was born I realized I could not be her father, but I wanted to live and love her forever. I realized I must be honest if she is to see me as a role model.

Yeah, I am not a therapist. But seriously...calling your child an experiment? No, she's your flesh and blood...deal with it. If that means you need to put your transition aside, fine. Your child's well being in your first priority, your identity is second...

Sorry things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. But you just started, and get a thick skin...you'll need it later. Go ahead and smite me...don't care.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 07, 2011, 11:21:18 PM
Yeah, I am not a therapist. But seriously...calling your child an experiment? No, she's your flesh and blood...deal with it. If that means you need to put your transition aside, fine. Your child's well being in your first priority, your identity is second...

Sorry things aren't turning out the way you had hoped. But you just started, and get a thick skin...you'll need it later. Go ahead and smite me...don't care.

Jennifer Finney Boylan has called both of her sons experiments in the same vein. I must somehow come to understand you more clearly when we address each other, and you have to approach the things I write from many angles, as things are bound to get very, very esoteric when speaking to or about me. Many of the things you have suggested about me are true:

I have depression, and anxiety, and I'm JUST starting to get my life back together, and I must consider every part of myself I pour into transition for my child's sake.

I am turning my life around for my baby as Emma, and I have been in various forms of therapy for quite a long time.

I never, ever smite people. Who are you? Someone I will never meet, who has no direct bearing upon my life. What you say is your opinion.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 07, 2011, 11:38:58 PM
Jennifer Finney Boylan has called both of her sons experiments in the same vein. I must somehow come to understand you more clearly when we address each other, and you have to approach the things I write from many angles, as things are bound to get very, very esoteric when speaking to or about me. Many of the things you have suggested about me are true:

I may be the narcissistic bitch here...But my children come first before any journey of self discovery.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 07, 2011, 11:50:47 PM
I may be the narcissistic bitch here...But my children come first before any journey of self discovery.

I am not conducting any journey of self discovery. Just doing what I must.

Also, you have missed a point, I do this in large part for my child.

Quote from: EmmaM on November 07, 2011, 11:54:39 PM
I am not conducting any journey of self discovery. Just doing what I must.

Also, you have missed a point, I do this in large part for my child.

How is that?

Does your gender even matter to your child?

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 08, 2011, 12:21:20 AM
How is that?

Does your gender even matter to your child?

Yes. But why it matters is a harder point to prove:

I am her "daddy girl," Emma, that takes her to the toy section of the department store just because she asked to go there. Later we play dress up, and for a while we are both princesses going to the ball. I taught her the princess wave as we toured around in circles on the mall carousel together. We bake together, we enjoy imaginary tea, I hold her in my arms every single night as she drifts off to sleep to the promise that we can be "Two of us girls going to play tomorrow after I get out from school, okay?"

It matters because she has had both, and I'm awesome as a girl, and I always knew I was, somehow, from the time I was in Jr. High trying on my first party dress.

I guess it doesn't really matter, does it? I cold have done all of those things if I were a man, right? Unfortunately I don't ever remember believing so. I discovered me, as a girl, in my youth, and I hid that from everyone until I was locked into this surprisingly beautiful situation.

Emma I'm going to opt out of commenting on half of what's been said in this thread, but I just want to say that that description of your time with your daughter is very touching. It sounds great.

Your gender matters to your child only because your honesty and happiness matters to your child. I hope it goes okay for you and your family.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on November 07, 2011, 11:21:18 PM
Your child's well being in your first priority, your identity is second...

For some of us, our child's well-being depends on our ability to be who we really are. For example, it's hard to be there for your child when your gender dysphoria makes you broken--or dead.

Don't underestimate how important it is for children to have happy parents.
True, parents shouldn't pursue their personal happiness to the detriment of their children.
I think that transitioning while a parent may in some cases be the best thing for everybody.

 I suppose "experiment" is a callous thing to say. As a wordsmith I should know better. In any case, thank you all for being concerned. I'm getting along very well with the whole family today. :)

Yeah, I think it's important to underscore that trying to hide who we are to keep our families together does not help our children.  I'm the only one who works in my family, so when I've been terribly depressed, couldn't get my work done, and/or were I to actually have killed myself on my daily commute on the electric line, my son would be no better off than having a family that struggles as we do or with parents who may end up divorced.  If I can't manage to exert the energy to clean the house or play with my son or help him learn to read or make a healthy dinner because I'm depressed, how would that be putting his priorities before mine?  A healthy, happy parent is simply going to be able to take better care of his/her children.

Also, I think the term experiment being used in conjunction with a person is being regarded unfavorably because its connotation for some is sterile and dehumanizing.  I can respect it, though.  High-level experimentation is a very human phenomenon and experimentation in general is a common practice among living organisms.

EmmaM

First of all you are an excellent writer and might want to consider doing a blog or something where you could make money off of writing so think about that.


Although you are up against a lot I would say that you are being too hard on your choices in life.  Although GID has it's own issues, they are often very similar in the self doubt it creates to other more "ordinary" issues in life.

When I was younger I divorced my first husband with whom I had two kids.   I went from being in a stable home as a SAHM to single again at 27 not being able to pay my bills with a 3 and 4 year old.   My mother had advised me to stay in the marriage until the kids were in school and many people felt I was being "reckless" or running from responsibility because I longed for my own identity.

In my case I had changed for my ex husband to be a "Hijabi" which was a muslim woman who covered her hair.  Everything I did had gotten lost in the new religion, language and way of life.  Although I do know many Hijabi who are perfectly happy with their life,  I was trying to be what I was supposed to be in the relationship.

Many times my family tisked tisked me because my children are raised Muslim which is a religion I no longer believe in and I couldn't reconcile how to create the world I wanted for my kids within the reality they were born into.

I felt guilty.  Then 911 happened and I really felt like I had screwed up my kids forever, they have Arabic names.  I felt my choices, my careless choices,  my lonliness and desperation to fit in caused me to bring children into a world of a lie that would haunt them for the rest of their lives.

But my kids are wonderful now, they are 17 and 16 and quite happy, still Muslim and still have a fantastic relationship with their father.

Bottom line,  it's not up to us to create the world our children live in,  it is our job to be an example of how to face the reality of what we live in with grace.

And that comes from walking the walk and not from talking the talk.   No one said that life is going to be easy, it's not at times.  But it is a blessing and a gift especially if you trust in yourself and let yourself be the miracle that you are no matter how you unfold into the world.

Just be yourself and the rest will follow.

Hugs.   :)