Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I remember when things started changing i was just in complete denial and misery.
When people told me my voice was changing and they had this kind of like : "HOHOHOHO look AT YOU getting all grown up and handsome"
attitude going on i would just get completely annoyed
I spent puberty hiding inside myself and wishing none of it was happening.
it was probably a time in my life that i was most suicidal.
What was your experience like? How do you reflect on those times now that you have come to realize your transgender status? If you're going through puberty now, how do you cope or do you need to? Do any of us have any advice to those going through puberty and dealing with unsupportive environments or unsafe environments for coming out and transition?

I remember looking in the mirror and hating the reflection I saw. Hating my voice thinking it sounded all boyish. Parents told me I was turning into a "fine young man" and I thought yeah that's nice - cut it out - I'm never gonna be that.

As for advice I would say it gets better... things may be difficult now but as an adult you can make great strides and then you'll look back and see how far you've come.

I have 2 words to describe puberty: Profoundly disturbing..

I don't know if I hated puberty more than the average cisgendered person. I doubt most teens enjoy that awkward stage. I knew I was going to grow up at some point and resigned myself to that fact. Didn't like my chest growing in, and bleeding for 5 days without dying is never fun. I was very uncomfortable with my body for most of my life. Mentally detached myself from it and escaped through games and imagining myself as some other boy in some land far away. :P

Awful and profoundly insecure.

Like taking a knife to my testes.

I honestly didn't care until I found out I could turn into a woman.

Lol I was spared from the trauma of puberty by virtue of the fact that I was overwhelmed and kept busy with other traumas. Life is awesome like that. There is nothing so bad that it cannot be made worse. :P

Quote from: xXRebeccaXx on November 21, 2011, 08:25:31 PM
Like taking a knife to my testes.

+1
em nasty MOFOS :icon_chainsaw:  :icon_burn: :icon_burn: :icon_burn: :icon_burn:

I didn't think much about the changes to do specifically with puberty either, for some reason.
But I was upset about not being a girl in my teenage years for sure.

Quote from: xXRebeccaXx on November 21, 2011, 08:25:31 PM
Like taking a knife to my testes.

yeah I remember as at that age they say at tv news some guy do it and die for exanguination, it scares me from this possibility

I started being "conditioned" into the male role around the time I was 5 or so, by everything at school. so by the time puberty hit me, I was already so sick of life I honestly couldn't get myself to care anymore. I'd say it was so bad that I only really went through physical puberty (and if you ask my family etc, they'd pretty much agree). I never started behaving differently in any way (apart from the natural maturing of course) so I suppose that's why.

Right now, when I know I can actually turn my life around and start living how I feel like I should've lived my whole life, I'm pretty pissed off at what puberty has done to me ... but I guess I'll learn to live with my past as my transition progresses and I fall into the life I've always wanted and deserved.

Sucked-ass... Not in a good way. When the body hair came in I was shocked silly.  It was vile, and I sincerely felt "Unclean". Shaved it then and all my life.

I wanted to be dead and was medicated...at age 9.

Pretty damn good. I learned about my penis then and how it could keep me warm during the lonely nights.

No, puberty sucks either way...then you're a teenager

I didn't care, but I did stop being comfortable with my shirt off, I became uncomfortable with my shoulder-to-hip ratio after awhile, and then there was my height. Oh and I secretly wanted to get in trouble with the law as an excuse to hide by sex change. :o Of course back then I thought a sex change operation was a bit more extensive, lolz

I hate puberty and still do, as I'm going through the "adult" puberty still. Back in school, I was the FIRST boy in my entire grade to develope extreme leg and underarm hair, the first to develope extreme rosacea, thick skin, abd acne, and the first to look very oily and having extremely masculine facialfearures. Most of the other boys around me looked female or andrigynous well up to 10th grade, and many I still know look female to this day; none of them underwenr hornone therapy. My big problem is I had an extreme overproduction of androgens very early and was not put on reducers, so I look masculine betond easy repair; to ever even resemble a female, I'll have ti have at least $20,000 worth of surgery, and its all cuz my parents wouldnt put me on a $25 a month hormone therapy plan like those kids on the Maury show.

^sorry foe typos, on a phone.

I didn't mind so much, I guess. I can't really remember when it started or how I felt. I know I always hated periods so much though.

My daughter asked me this question earlier. My answer to her was a lot different than my answer here. I gave her a simplified account of how confusing it was to develop the wrong parts and get lumped in with the girls. I did remind her that it's confusing and emotional for everyone.

I was horrified I hated what was happening to my voice but no matter how much I squeezed I couldn't stop it... When my facial hair started coming through I was miserable I knew it would come but of course it came for me first and the worst. at first I tried epilating it clean with a metal slinky toy I had. It hurt like hell. When my parents saw me doing that I was given a razor with replaceable razorblades... Unknowingly they provided me a means with whitch to cope with the pain that was afflicting me.

Self harm became my coping mechanism shortly afterwards.

I thought "about time, now maybe I'll finally fit in". Obviously it wasn't what I expected.

puberty was really hard. i was dreading it before it even came. i remember for a year or 2 before i went thru it i would fear my period coming and chest growing. i was so scared to have my body change. i didnt know why at the time, but it made me sick thinking about it. i wasnt sure at all why i was so scared at that point in time. i always knew i was different from the girls and didnt want to become a woman. it was the scariest thought eever.

Depressed,ugly and jealous of girls tbh.(still am.. :embarrassed: )

I had worse things going on so I was most of the time too preoccupied to worry about it but I hated it nonetheless. I mainly hated my voice changing and getting facial hair (two things I STILL loathe btw). I had kinda already figured out it would happen eventually too so it wasn't shocking just miserable.

I hated the hair. I just kept shaving it until I decided to give up. I might shave it for the first time in 6 years this week :)

- Keri Allison

X8^

I did not know that I could be a woman at that age so I did not reflect on it too much. Although I hated that my voice became dark and when the hair came it was like *please kill me* I hated it. But I really tried to be as much as a man that I could, pumped up my muscles and all that just to "hide" the female in me.

I was very angry, more than what is healthy and I did some things that I am not very proud of. I was totally out of control and that was because I hated myself and everyone more than anything. It was when I got badly wounded that my life turned to the better and I started to understand what was wrong with me.


But it took me 11 years to finally take the big step.

Eh, I found bodily hair somewhat disgusting but didn't care much about the voice change.  At the time of puberty, I was happy being a boy and had no knowledge of transsexualism.

I remember not understanding why my mom forced me to do so many "things that girls do" things, such as: shaving, applying make-up and plucking my facial hair. I hated it! I was also becoming really aware of my genitalia even though I didn't get my period until I was 14. I was so ashamed of my body, I knew it was off. All I wanted was to be a pretty boy, but my mom wouldn't let me be me. :/ When I was dating my first boyfriend I was so dysphoric, anything sexual would cause dysphoria.

Blah. Bad years.

suicidal

This is one of the few memories I have  confidence in.
My memory is clear, and my initial reactions have never entirely left.
I felt embarrassed & envious.
Embarrassed by my emotions & the manifestation of those emotions, and envious of all the girls who seemed on the one hand suddenly different, and on the other hand so attractive.
I have a definite memory of wishing I could be one of the young girls. I can remember the young girls experimenting with make up & and wishing I could experiment right along with them. I can remember them checking the young boys out seemingly at the same time preening for them, and laughing at them.
They seemed wonderful, and were a perfect contrast to the grotesque way I viewed myself.

I just started puberty again. Wheee.

I cried a lot.

Ohh, I just understood your post I think, Felix. You started T today? ;D

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 19, 2011, 06:13:58 PM
I cried a lot.

Ohh, I just understood your post I think, Felix. You started T today? ;D

I started T last week. It is interesting. ;D

I didn't see the update on that! Congratulations!  ;D

Quote from: Caseyyy on December 20, 2011, 05:19:31 AM
I didn't see the update on that! Congratulations!  ;D

Thank you! ;D

And I cried a lot too during my first puberty. I was (melo)dramatic about it, and thought I'd been abandoned by god. It was a time of bad poetry and not a lot of sleep.

the thing is, i never ended up going through a male puberty the first time. i started anti androgens when i was close to 18. my voice remained female pitched, i had a tall lanky stature, feminine bone structure. i had some partial breast development, and i had hips as well.  the growth spurt and excessive facial/body hair was what i hated about myself. i also have broad shoulders, but my frame is all large. my shoulders and hips are equal, so it's not the end of the world, but i felt cruddy about myself alot of my life. people were bad to me, and some were trying to be nice. the thing is, i just had loads of anxiety about an impending puberty when i was about 11/12. i feared the hell out of it, but i didn't really have to go through with it, so someone must've been watching over me  :icon_cry2:

I'm really beginning to realize how much I hate Maury/Tyra/Dr. Phil/Anderson Cooper Show kids who get put on Anti-Androgens at like age 10-21. Not fair. At all. Also not fair that say, you lined 10 guys in my 7th grade year in a row, I was the hairiest, haggard-est, acne-ridden one there was. Also, I'm starting to think it's pretty gay how many people on this thread had no clue they were Trans during middle school, when I knew when I was like 5, and hated anything biologically manly (body-wise) since then. And people tend to accuse me of not knowing what I'm talking about and being stressed about nothing, when half the Trans people on here were so religious and in denial that they spent years playing football and loving manhood. No wonder half the people on this entire forum enjoy being haggard, manly looking women, they liked being men too! Therapists who say "It doesn't matter that you have leg hair and look like Fred Flinstone, you're a special flower so you're special!" are right down their alley because they don't even have a clue what women in the real world are like, nor want to find out! They love living in their own little world they created when they suddenly turned 35 and are content with that, and then refuse to support or give empathy toward any Transperson who knows they want a more realistic womanhood about their life.

But I'm just ranting because I'm so tired of being unable to afford to fly to the nearest non-RLE clinic (Kansas City, states away), a $1,000 trip (if the clinic will even accept someone out of state). I wish, like a hundred diseases in this country, HRT was coverage by any old regular insurance plan without the hell of RLE; makes me extremely jealous of the kids who have parents who pay for everything about their transition, when my parents gave my sister $50,000 as a graduation present and spent not one red dime on anything to do with my life, which is why I now live in poverty; I was never given a car by any dead relative, I never lived in any public transportation route as a kid (no job), and I managed to sell enough of my stuff when I moved out to be able to afford poverty payments in bumville. Sucks. It's not fair. And if life truly wasn't fair, black people would still be slaves. So I refuse to be happy about literally being a slave to the population and government as well. Pregnant black women get more financial help than me. Not at all fair.

Quote from: R&T-Place on December 23, 2011, 03:51:58 AM
I'm really beginning to realize how much I hate Maury/Tyra/Dr. Phil/Anderson Cooper Show kids who get put on Anti-Androgens at like age 10-21. Not fair. At all. Also not fair that say, you lined 10 guys in my 7th grade year in a row, I was the hairiest, haggard-est, acne-ridden one there was. Also, I'm starting to think it's pretty gay how many people on this thread had clue they were Trans during middle school, when I knew when I was like 5, and hated anything biologically manly (body-wise) since then. And people tend to accuse me of not knowing what I'm talking about and being stressed about nothing, when half the Trans people on here were so religious and in denial that they spent years playing football and loving manhood. No wonder half the people on this entire forum enjoy being haggard, manly looking women, they liked being men too! Therapists who say "It doesn't matter that you have leg hair and look like Fred Flinstone, you're a special flower so you're special!" are right down their alley because they don't even have a clue what women in the real world are like, nor want to find out!

But I'm just ranting because I'm so tired of being unable to afford to fly to the nearest non-RLE clinic (Kansas City, states away), a $1,000 trip (if the clinic will even accept someone out of state). I wish, like a hundred diseases in this country, HRT was coverage by any old regular insurance plan without the hell of RLE; makes me extremely jealous of the kids who have parents who pay for everything about their transition, when my parents gave my sister $50,000 as a graduation present and spent not one red dime on anything to do with my life, which is why I now live in poverty; I was never given a car by any dead relative, I never lived in any public transportation route as a kid (no job), and I managed to sell enough of my stuff when I moved out to be able to afford poverty payments in bumville. Sucks.

I realise this is a rant.. But don't take your issues out on other people.. We all travel our own paths to get here..

Oh P.S. I didn't mean that rant toward FullMoon cuz it makes me so happy when REAL people are able to accomplish what they want to do, but those Maury show kids who's parents literally give them everything really do make me plain jealous! I don't dislike them, they're very lucky, but still, it's not fair that our government has the motto of "Well, its up to the parents to do the right or wrong thing for their children, even though we have healthcare and abuse laws that we never enforce unless some kid practically crawls to school with cuts and bruises."

R&T-Place (don't know a real name to call you by, so I'll use this), just read through this thread and I have to say that I know exactly what you're talking about (though I'd probably express it in a different way! ;)). Right now, I'm struggling with the idea of even trying to transition, one because my therapist is HUGE on RLE, and I just want to be the girl I'm supposed to be, without the "large-dude-in-a-dress" phase. Just watched a thing about the pop-star who was one of the youngest people to undergo SRS (can't remember her name at the moment). She went on anti-androgens at 12 or so and developed perfectly normal for a girl. I must say, she's actually pretty attractive. Then I go look in the mirror, and that's one of the hardest things I can do when I'm thinking about transition. The amount of money it would cost to get me to be halfway decently looking like I should would be ridiculous. That, and even if I could afford HRT, FFS, and SRS, I'd still be a 6'2" girl who doesn't feel like she belongs in her body which at that point has become a costume trying to play a part in the world that mirrors the inside. It hurts, a lot of the time.

That being said, I'm totally jealous of the girls that get on HRT and such at early ages. Makes me wish "if only", but I'm extremely happy for them! :eusa_clap: :eusa_dance: ;D

On topic... during puberty, I was unconscious. Just letting the world take me where it will with an unnamed hole in my chest. I started masturbating because the other guys were talking about it and I thought "Hey, that must be something I'm supposed to be doing." So I tried it, it was awful, and it rarely is not. Sorry if that was too much, just some things I've been thinking about and I like to vent here to maybe get some input from all you wonderful people :D

I was in complete denial - these changes weren't happening - it felt like it was happening to somebody else. When I had an erection, it was like seeing some other guy's erection. My imaginary world where I was a girl along with the cognitive dissonance from reality was the only way I somehow survived before transition.

Awkward as heck, but just in the general way. I had no clue about even the concept of being transgendered then; very conservative and religious. I never much cared for my bits, really; ugly and messy and all that. So I was always awkward and didn't much care for it, I just never knew exactly why. Now I am pretty sure.

All I know is I hated/hate my voice and try to keep it high, but other than that I never cared.... I wonder if it has to do with the fact that (I think) I identify as a lesbian? I mean, being straight in my current body must have at least made it feel more normal. But I definitely did not have a strong reaction like all of you, and if you'd take a look at my intro thread, you'll see why that worries me.... :(

my male puberty I think began when I was 14 and went on until I went on HRT 10 months ago. It was just pure hell! and it wasn't just through my teen years. I don't think my voice really broke. Remember when your voice broke? how it kind of went high-pitched and squeaky and back down? mine still does that. I had acne until I started HRT. I mean when you drop off your children at high school and have to sign them in because they were late and the secretary asks YOU who's class you're in, it's pretty bad! Then there was the time I took a bath and screamed when I discovered hair on my chest. I think I was on the phone with my [then] fiancee when that happened.  But I just remember how much anger I had at the world for what was happening. I would run away from home [down the street a few blocks away], lash out at my parents and I just didn't know what I was and why I was so full of hatred and anger and why I didn't feel like I was a boy.

My 2nd one is going better. its been full of tears, no anger at the world or hatred for the changes my body is going through.

Awkward and weird.
First, I was content with some changes. I loved my hair... I mean, my armpit hair and pubic hair - because all books on puberty said that is normal on female body too. I was kind of... proud. So at the age of 12-13, I started to wear some more girls' clothes than before. (I had worn boys' clothes we got from my mother's collegaues.)
Boat-neck tops, flare-leg jeans, sometimes a skirt... (Sadly, I had a retro appearance because I didn't have a clue what to wear but my mother and her aunt gave me clothes...) I didn't like my monthly cramps but it meant changes. "And changes mean that soon I'll turn to be an adult!" - I thought.
But soon everybody told me that I couldn't be a girl unless my moves are not girlish. In these clothes I was always sitting, standing, jumping... not a complete boy, but absolutely not as a girl should. And my classmates started to tell me (just for fun) that being hairy is not sexy. It's male-privilege. "You should shave it or hide it. You're not a girl. You even don't act like a girl."
I collected some photos of the last 6 years... I waited for my hair growing long then cut it back... over and over. I bought female clothes, kind of unisex ones... and a group spit on me on the street yelling "little ->-bleeped-<-!".
And I only wore large, one-coloured T-shirts because I could easily hide my hairy arms, armpits... The funny-sad thing is that I don't know my bra-size because my mother never come with me to buy one. Never. I used nothing. Yeah, they are small. I started to feel that I'm not a complete woman... neither body nor mind. Classmates called me "that/it" - others tried to make nicknames from my female name and sometimes "helped" me by telling me if my moves were boyish.
It was a nightmare. After all since then I've felt like a neutral-gendered teenage boy or what. Still puberty..?
I hate that all people want to understand only this or that. No other. Ffuu... binary system. I didn't fit in as a teenager. Neither recently... but much better wearing clothes that I want to.

Quote from: Andris on December 28, 2011, 03:17:27 PM
Awkward and weird.
First, I was content with some changes. I loved my hair... I mean, my armpit hair and pubic hair - because all books on puberty said that is normal on female body too. I was kind of... proud. So at the age of 12-13, I started to wear some more girls' clothes than before. (I had worn boys' clothes we got from my mother's collegaues.)
Boat-neck tops, flare-leg jeans, sometimes a skirt... (Sadly, I had a retro appearance because I didn't have a clue what to wear but my mother and her aunt gave me clothes...) I didn't like my monthly cramps but it meant changes. "And changes mean that soon I'll turn to be an adult!" - I thought.
But soon everybody told me that I couldn't be a girl unless my moves are not girlish. In these clothes I was always sitting, standing, jumping... not a complete boy, but absolutely not as a girl should. And my classmates started to tell me (just for fun) that being hairy is not sexy. It's male-privilege. "You should shave it or hide it. You're not a girl. You even don't act like a girl."
I collected some photos of the last 6 years... I waited for my hair growing long then cut it back... over and over. I bought female clothes, kind of unisex ones... and a group spit on me on the street yelling "little ->-bleeped-<-!".
And I only wore large, one-coloured T-shirts because I could easily hide my hairy arms, armpits... The funny-sad thing is that I don't know my bra-size because my mother never come with me to buy one. Never. I used nothing. Yeah, they are small. I started to feel that I'm not a complete woman... neither body nor mind. Classmates called me "that/it" - others tried to make nicknames from my female name and sometimes "helped" me by telling me if my moves were boyish.
It was a nightmare. After all since then I've felt like a neutral-gendered teenage boy or what. Still puberty..?
I hate that all people want to understand only this or that. No other. Ffuu... binary system. I didn't fit in as a teenager. Neither recently... but much better wearing clothes that I want to.

*hugs*

i felt the most depressed and suicidal.  Extra flesh was growing on my chest, Aunt Flow introduced herself to me and I wasn't happy about it.  No one understood me and I felt so alone.  Realizing that I'm trasngendered it helped me realized "oh wow....so that's why I hate my life...."

I hated it.  I didn't want to have to wear a bra and omg the periods.  That was the worst part.   Every I started my period I would sit on the toilet and pray to god that my period would be over as soon as possible.

Andy8715, mine was bad too.  First I got lumps on my chest and my mom took me to get a bra.  I hated it and wouldn't wear it, only when she insisted that I do.  It wasn't until about a year later and I could feel them bounce that I wore one most of the time.  I had always played with the boys and this made me different from them.  Bleeding from my bottom was even worst having to wear a pads that you could always feel and know it was there.  My mom kept telling me that I was a young lady now, I never wanted to hear that.  When I was in 8th grade found out about tampons and how grea they were.  I could put one in and forget about having a mess down there for hours at a time.  I still think today I want a total hyster before top surgery as I hate that time of the month so much.  Maybe starting t will help.

hell!
I did not understand why I wanted to be a woman, and my body started to change with some reactions!
Big confusion!
I lived like in a prison.

Even though puberty was hell, it still didn't stop me from continuing to dress as a girl. My Mum even told me I'd been doing it since I was about 11 yrs old. It's funny how I don't even remember that.. ^_^

Quote from: Venus-Castina on November 24, 2011, 11:00:28 AM
Very confused actually. I did not like the changes my body underwent and I can vividly remember each time I realized something had changed. Such as my voice breaking, my neck getting thicker zo I couldn't wear my favorite necklace anymore, my hands getting larger so I could not fit them in the mailbox anymore, my legs getting hairy, my first ejacu... you know what.

I thought that all these changes were inevitable. I was a boy because I had the clear evidence dangling between my legs. And boys just become masculine. Fighting it seemed truly pointless so I told myself to just accept it.

This is me exactly. Every change was faced with despair but I just kind of learned to accept it. So, puberty wasn't so bad thanks to learned helplessness.

I hated the onset of puberty.

For several months I was oblivious to the changes until my period hit. I hated it and I couldn't imagine myself living 30+ years of my life having to get this monthly.  Periods are too painful and messy for me. I remember hating my chest but I didn't know why exactly. I identified as female so I simply put it off as "They're very large for my age, that's why I loathe them."

In reality it wasn't until I began identifying as trans at age 13 that I felt any dysphoria. All my puberty worries beforehand were unrelated to it.