Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is me if you like it or not...
I'm of school age... high school. I wrote the following yesterday incredibly contained and needing to let go. The beginning talks a little on... sexual type stuff... but its not what the whole thing is about.. so if you read, i ask that you continue to read it all....  and this is not all just about sex...
I don't mean to give off any kind of image to the forum... I wouldn't know what line is the line to not cross..

It is simply put I should write whatever comes into my head. I watch porn online, and I would love nothing but to be dominated, as a girl, although I am known as a guy. Not only that, but Id love to live my life as a girl... simply and honestly. Id love to wear fishnets, and short skirts, and heels, and tube tops. I feel dressing that way better says who I am. Its who I feel I am... no matter why I feel this way. I believe to the world I may be seen as a guy, but I am in no doubt, more comfortable being known as a girl and take offense to being known as a guy. I am attracted to females and females only and it nearly kills me that it would make me a lesbian since I feel myself as a girl loving other girls.

In school I'm making straight Fs. I stopped doing the work. It started off being scared to show teachers my work, but now its simply pure laziness, when I use to be one of the hardest working students known in a school. Either way I'm a good kid who doesn't get into drugs or drinking or trouble or anything. In fact I get into pretty much nothing.

The truth is I want to be pretty, gothic, punk, and sexy and all of the above and I want to live that way. The only thing is it hard to do when you have parents and friends around who you've told nothing about the sexual feeling for wearing the clothes, that it's simply part of wanting to be a girl. I do honestly, only mean to dress this way to be recognized as a girl, but I cant help that I get the sexual feeling, I don't do it for the sexual feeling.

I've went to school in heels, I've went to school in a skirt. I was told to take it off by a teacher, but the principle simply said that the teacher didn't have the right to tell me to take it off and the principle supported me.

It took forever to open up to people though, considering my dad still thinks it's a teenage phase.

I've known since the age of 8 or younger I was this way.... that was before sexual feelings came in to confuse me about it all.

I am afraid to talk to people in real life, I am afraid ill say something that will show this secret side of me. I'm afraid that I will be seen as someone disgusting and stupid when in all reality, I don't have any control. I'm a good person with a good heart... I honestly care about others around me, and I don't get into trouble. I absolutely mean nothing but well for others. I'm just attached to something others can't relate to. 

I'm alone in a house and parents are out and all I want to do is put on some make up, put on a skirt, and make some music, for I love to make music.

The only thing is that my parents will be home soon and even though they know about me crossdressing, I am uncomfortable around them still.

I lived with my dad up until about 2 years ago and finally got the guts to ask to live with my mom. So I moved from a 2 story house to a small trailer just to live with my mom. I use to cry every night wishing someday I could live with my mother. I still cry everyday, just about social issues now.

I told my mom over email I wanted to become a girl, and it might just be in a cross dressing kind of way. The more I think about it though, the more I truly want surgery.

I suppose the point to my madness is, I'm a messed up person.

More about me--- I am Christian, but I wish witchcraft was real. I adore it so much, but I don't believe it, although I wish it was real, it just provides freedom.




overall I'll say this, i dont mean bad by posting this... and i dont mean bad to anyone around me...
but i feel incredibly contained and i had to write all of this.

if you dont mind... im sydney


ill really regret posting this.  sorry.

Hi There,

Wellcome to Susans.

I can hear the pain of lonleness in your writing. In here you are not alone - I am sure many of us have been through what you are going through. The worst part of all of this is having to hide to fit into socoety - we have all been there.

Do not be sorry - just relax and enjoy being in the company who understand how you feel. Explore Susans for all it is worth.

Alice 

Alice :) thank you so much.

I wish I'd been as brave as you. I didn't tell my mother until I was 40. You can still be the pretty girl you want to be. I was too afraid to try. Hang in there. You're stronger than you know.


Karen Lyn      :icon_female:

Sydney, so many of us have been through what you are experiencing. We know what it is like to face every day wondering how we fit in society. We have fantasized and dreamt.  Some of us have managed our path through the forest and received surgery.

But here's the thing hon. No matter what happens to you, no matter what your dreams are, no matter where you intend to go with your life, you will need an income to support yourself.  If nothing else, think of your education as part of becoming the whole person you want to be. Right now, this is so important to you. You will need money.  And if you are like some of us, you will need a lot of it.  Learn to earn babe.

And in the meantime, you are most welcome here.

Chin up

Cindi

Hi Sydney and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Many of us have been there hon, so you are not alone.  Please take a second to get familiar with all the forums of the site, review the site rules and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chatroom and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay!

tink :icon_chick:

I wanted to welcome you and tell you how much I feel your pain, many of us are going through and have been through what you are feeling now. I agree with cindi, you need to concentraite on you education right now, that doesn't mean you cant be who you want.

I found a good doctor to help me along to talk to, its all confidential, and may make you feel better.

Who have friends here, so please stay and chat...

Please look after yourself and take care.

LUCY

Sydney,
Oh hon don't apologies for sharing our feelings that is part of what Susan's is all about. Many have already posted that they feel your pain. That is because we have felt that way too. You are not mad just confused and lonely.
Do get a therapist if at all possible a one who is a gender specialist.
No mater what do share with us Sydney. You are not alone.
:)
Jillieann

All of you are so incredibly sweet :) kind...
I do feel different from absolutely everybody though,
I just want to be free. I'm so glad I could say all of this to you.
I can hide behind a computer screen though.
i have a fear ill end up homeless.
i will definitely seek professional  help... someone to talk to.
love yas. thanks bunches :)
I'm so glad such a site exist.

im going through what u r going through right know and im only 19 yrs old. im working  only at a temp job thought. it pays 9 American dollars an hour. it will be wise to seek some therapy as soon as u get a job.

you got a lucky pick that no harassed u while u were at school. i got it bad. i went into depression and decided to "rebuild and hide" myself during the 7th grade. right now my parents and friends have no clue i crossdress or tend to go into therapy as soon as i find one.

PS welcome to Susans 

mm.. im not the only one... thats all i need to know.... :)

Quote from: imsorryimsilent on March 11, 2007, 07:34:24 PM

It is simply put I should write whatever comes into my head. I watch porn online, and I would love nothing but to be dominated, as a girl, although I am known as a guy. Not only that, but Id love to live my life as a girl... simply and honestly. Id love to wear fishnets, and short skirts, and heels, and tube tops. I feel dressing that way better says who I am. Its who I feel I am... no matter why I feel this way. I believe to the world I may be seen as a guy, but I am in no doubt, more comfortable being known as a girl and take offense to being known as a guy. I am attracted to females and females only and it nearly kills me that it would make me a lesbian since I feel myself as a girl loving other girls.

   Hi Silent,

   I have a possible reason for your domination fantasies. Remember, this is just an opinion or possibility and is not meant to judge you or to tell you different that what you feel or believe.
   I used to fantasize about being dominated too. I think it was because when you are dominated in a fantasy that it kind of removes a level of responsibility to you. For instance, we are told (as males) that it is wrong to be dominated or submissive. We are supposed to be the ones in control. When we fantasize about something we may feel inside is 'wrong' (not really, society's opinion), we may fantasize that we have no choice because someone else is in control. Also, part of being female is being submissive in some ways. I should restate that to say that part of being female is appearing to be submissive at times.
   It's no big deal. Like I said, just an opinion, maybe it doesn't apply to you. You should know that there is nothing wrong with you fantasizing yourself as a female. Someday, when you are more comfortable or adjusted to it, you may start fantasizing about a more equal sexual relationship, or maybe even sometimes, you will be the dominant.

   Please pay attention in school. I blew it off and I had to struggle for years to regain the possibilities and experiences that it might have provided for me.


I wish you well,

Rebecca

Sydney,

I just want to add my voice to the chorus of voices here at Susan's Place. As you have already seen you will receive a whole lot of love and support here. Come back often and let us know what is happening in your life. We will always listen and encourage you.

I too am Christian and I get frustrated by our more conservative brothers and sisters that think we are some how not right. They have some learning to do to better understand God as a loving creator. And I want you to know that I'm a Christian that loves and supports you for who you are and I am a your sister in Christ.

Debbie