Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok, so, I have this ex who we shall name Brandon who I dated when I was a gay man 2 years ago. Needless to say, it was a stormy and dramatic relationship. He was Dr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyl, especially when he was drunk. He drove me to tears many times with his barrage of verbal abuse. However, he had an incredibly sensistive and soft side that I loved. Also,  I found him very attractive physically and very intelligent. Plus he was deaf and knew ASL as well, so that was a big boon.

It was a long distance thing, also... because we met while I was in Rochester in graduate school and I interned in San Francisco; he was living in San Diego that time. So during the 2 month internship, we had a long distance thing going on between San Diego and San San Francisco. Then when I had to go back to Rochester, it became a coast-to-coast long distance thing.

Then surprise ! I got hired for my job where I interned in San Francisco after I graduated. I was thrilled to no end. I packed up and took a road trip to California, and stopped by San Diego to visit Brandon.

Guess what? Brandon brought home a guy when he was drunk and we were at a bar. I ended up sleeping with his friend who I barely had met and knew as revenge because I was drunk and upset that he would do this to me after I had gone all way from Rochester. It was the final straw after all the ups and downs with Brandon.

Then in the very early morning, I packed up and hit the road to San Francisco without saying good-bye. I cut off all our texting messages. I deleted him from Facebook and thought it was over and finished. That was 2 years ago.

I finally came out as transgender last year.  then... wham!

I found out that Brandon moved to San Francisco last year. Of course I was infuritated to hear that - I had thought he was out of my life for good. Somehow I never ran into him at the gay bars for months, until we finally ran into each other last spring. It was very awkward and he finally saw me in woman mode. We barely said hi.

We saw each other few times afte rthat but I always made sure to keep it brief and impersonal. Then yesterday I ran into him again when I was out with friends at Castro during the day. We ended up having a talk after few alcoholic drinks.

To sum it up - he apologized profusely for his behavior and how he treated me in San Diego, and he said when he moved to San Francisco (Because of a job and a now-broken-up-with boyfriend), he was hoping that he would run into me and he had heard that I was changing into a woman. He said I was very beautiful and I told him I was on hormones already. I asked him if he liked me now or in the past, since he was gay.

To my surprise, he said he liked me better now because I looked happier and prettier as a woman than I was "cute" as a man.

To my double surprise, he wanted to rekindle it with me. I was very floored. I told him I needed time to think it over as I was too buzzed. We ended up ahnging out together all evening with our friends boozing it up.

So... now I have a dilemma and I was hoping some of you might have advice..

bummpppp... this grrl needs some advice!  :icon_ashamed:

Am far too binary to help, though I wish I could.
I'm sure Mahsa will be of some help here. She's been along that path and is one intelligent girl. So let's wait and see, or PM her?

Axélle

That is a very personal discussion that not a lot of people can give you advice on. What does your heart say? What does your brain say? Could things be different now that you two live close to each other?

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 11, 2011, 10:07:12 PM
Ok, so, I have this ex who we shall name Brandon who I dated when I was a gay man 2 years ago. Needless to say, it was a stormy and dramatic relationship. He was Dr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyl, especially when he was drunk. He drove me to tears many times with his barrage of verbal abuse. 

Guess what? Brandon brought home a guy when he was drunk and we were at a bar. I ended up sleeping with his friend who I barely had met and knew as revenge because I was drunk and upset that he would do this to me after I had gone all way from Rochester. It was the final straw after all the ups and downs with Brandon.

My advice is to not get back together with this person. He honestly doesn't seem that great, i'm sure there are tons of great things about him but the above problems may happen again or get worse as you continue your relationship with him. If this man has ever been abusive to you in anyway you shouldn't get too close to him again, especially if you're a happier person now.
No problems with being friends, but I would form boundaries. :) hope this helps.

Quote from: Axélle on December 12, 2011, 10:49:43 PM
Am far too binary to help, though I wish I could.
I'm sure Mahsa will be of some help here. She's been along that path and is one intelligent girl. So let's wait and see, or PM her?

Axélle

I read this and am still thinking of an answer to it.

I don't know what to think - Gosh - relationships are so freaking complicated!  All of them, not just TG ones!  Look at Natalie Wood and Robert Wagner and Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.  Sometimes the best relationships can be the worst, but worth it.  Passion is volatile, but can be the height of the ultimate pleasure.  I think you (the universal you) should weigh the pleasures and the tortures and look at the future and the consequences.  Passionate people might need turmoil to be happy.  I kind of live this way and can never live the white picket fence life -- I need energy and active interaction to feel alive.  I'd go crazy with the perfect calm sort of life, but that's just me.

No

Quote from: Torn1990 on December 13, 2011, 01:16:28 AM
My advice is to not get back together with this person. He honestly doesn't seem that great, i'm sure there are tons of great things about him but the above problems may happen again or get worse as you continue your relationship with him. If this man has ever been abusive to you in anyway you shouldn't get too close to him again, especially if you're a happier person now.
No problems with being friends, but I would form boundaries. :) hope this helps.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What the pretty lady said. The relationship was abusive before, and probably will be, again. Though that may not always been the case, it usually is. I agree, be his friend, get to know him again. If you feel comfortable after getting to know him again with boundaries, then go for.

Yeah... someone told me that a leopard does not really change its spot... you can take the leopard out of the jungle, but not the jungle out of the leopard. lol.

I was thinking to myself - am I HAPPY that he re-emerged into my life? The answer I found... was not really good. I am not looking forward to the drama if I got myself into a situation with him again.

Besides, he is GAY, has a gay lifestyle, and hangs out in a gay community... dating him would make me simply feel I am regressing back to being a gay person, even if I am transofrming into a female.

Oh, also, I am hosting a holiday party at my place this Sat night, so I decided to invite him to hang out with him once more... without copious alcohol involved, to see if he has really changed - and if there is still chemistry

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 14, 2011, 10:28:44 PM

Besides, he is GAY, has a gay lifestyle, and hangs out in a gay community... dating him would make me simply feel I am regressing back to being a gay person, even if I am transofrming into a female.

+1

My ex and I still have sex every once in awhile and thus, why I am in limbo. He thinks ironic that he's doing the topping now. I told him, "Hun, I might as well be your girlfriend now. Your gay cred will go down if it gets out what you're doing". He is a well known SF athlete... Great bod, the face not so much.

My advise is not to do it. You don't want to be trapped in limbo. I mean I keep a limited connection to who I associate with in the culture.

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 14, 2011, 10:32:29 PM
Oh, also, I am hosting a holiday party at my place this Sat night, so I decided to invite him to hang out with him once more... without copious alcohol involved, to see if he has really changed - and if there is still chemistry

This! Skip the alcohol, that would be my only advice. :)

Jennifer

Hell no don't skip the booze, that's one of the key areas where he was a jerk, and you need to find out a) does he still like to drink, B) does it still affect him in that way?

Quote from: tekla on December 15, 2011, 09:23:58 AM
Hell no don't skip the booze, that's one of the key areas where he was a jerk, and you need to find out a) does he still like to drink, B) does it still affect him in that way?

I agree - people tend to show their true sides when they are inebirated... also, I investigated further with his old friends and found out he has a path of destruction behind him - of guys with broken hearts and still angry at him, as well as having a history of verbal abuse in relationships.

Not really looking good anymore, lol

The holiday party is tonight - let's see what goes down...

Does anybody really care what happened or shall I just delete this thread? lol

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 19, 2011, 09:20:33 PM
Does anybody really care what happened or shall I just delete this thread? lol

You better tell us! ;D

Jennifer

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 19, 2011, 09:20:33 PM
Does anybody really care what happened or shall I just delete this thread? lol

I care and honestly girl, you aren't a gay man anymore. So no, you don't want to come home and find him spreading the rentboys legs he met on A4A.

Pics or it didn't happen! Spill it, girl!

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on December 19, 2011, 10:57:28 PM
I care and honestly girl, you aren't a gay man anymore. So no, you don't want to come home and find him spreading the rentboys legs he met on A4A.

Lol, that is funny because he and I had a discussion about that the next day - I told him that since now that our paths crossed again, it could not be the same as before because everything was different, even though ironically everything was still the same.

I told him that I was going on a different path as a transgender woman now, and not sure how it would work out for us this time around considering that he had never even ->-bleeped-<-ed a woman before, lol.

He did seem a little deflated when I was blunt and upfront that my sexual function was declining (even though I am a bottom).

Oh, god, A4A and Manhunt - I used to go browsing those years ago lol

Quote from: A_Dresden_Doll on December 20, 2011, 01:01:48 AM
Pics or it didn't happen! Spill it, girl!

Hehe, well, there are some few pics from the party, but since I have not posted my OWN pic in my avatar pic, yet, I am holding off on posting pics for a bit longer. I am still self-conscious about my looks, lol.

But aside from the pics (which will be forthcoming soon enough)....

Brandon was on his best behavior. He was a gentleman, actually loved my bedroom which was done in pink (lol), and kept saying how pretty I was. Of course I was buttered up by that, lol. And yes, I fed him booze shots.

To my surprise, he did not become verbally abusive, although he did shooit off some sarcastic remarks which hurt my best friend's feelings at the bar that we went out to afterwards.

We parted ways without havin an argument that night, then the next day he invited me to another holiday party of his friend's. We had a serious conversation afterwards (which I touched upon briefly in the post above)... We were not buzzed or drunk either.

I was blunt with him about:

1) I still had anger and mistrust issues with him.

2) He would not find me sexually attractive eventually as I blossomed in a feminine, "sexually defuncut" transwoman over time

3) A gay/trans relationship probably would not work down the long road

All he said, just take our time and see how it goes.

My question - is it worth TAKING the time in the first place, though? Because this already sounds very complicated to begin with and shouldn't relationships start out without any babbage?

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 20, 2011, 10:54:14 PM
Hehe, well, there are some few pics from the party, but since I have not posted my OWN pic in my avatar pic, yet, I am holding off on posting pics for a bit longer. I am still self-conscious about my looks, lol.

But aside from the pics (which will be forthcoming soon enough)....

Brandon was on his best behavior. He was a gentleman, actually loved my bedroom which was done in pink (lol), and kept saying how pretty I was. Of course I was buttered up by that, lol. And yes, I fed him booze shots.

To my surprise, he did not become verbally abusive, although he did shooit off some sarcastic remarks which hurt my best friend's feelings at the bar that we went out to afterwards.

I was at Qbar tonight. I didn't see you there...

I offered a BJ to a cute older gay man at Edge tonight. It was awkward... I give this guy points for appreciating you now. Most of the gay men I knew were like, "Hun, you're a woman now...A FABULOUS WOMAN" OMG, they are so SFistix

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on December 21, 2011, 12:34:30 AM
I was at Qbar tonight. I didn't see you there...

I offered a BJ to a cute older gay man at Edge tonight. It was awkward... I give this guy points for appreciating you now. Most of the gay men I knew were like, "Hun, you're a woman now...A FABULOUS WOMAN" OMG, they are so SFistix

Omg, Q Bar on Tuesday nights is lezzie night, lol. If there is one night that I don't go to Q bar out of the 7 nights its open, it is Tuesday nights! lol

Tomorrow I am supposed to go out to Mix with some gay friends then onwards to the Cafe. I am getting too old for all of this partying... NOT! lol

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 21, 2011, 10:15:55 PM
Omg, Q Bar on Tuesday nights is lezzie night, lol. If there is one night that I don't go to Q bar out of the 7 nights its open, it is Tuesday nights! lol

Tomorrow I am supposed to go out to Mix with some gay friends then onwards to the Cafe. I am getting too old for all of this partying... NOT! lol

Damn. I wish I could go...But I am stuck in Hayward doing holiday prep and I gotta be burban tomorrow.

I was gonna hit Hayes Valley Follies on Friday.

Quote from: Mahsa the disco shark on December 21, 2011, 11:58:28 PM
Damn. I wish I could go...But I am stuck in Hayward doing holiday prep and I gotta be burban tomorrow.

I was gonna hit Hayes Valley Follies on Friday.

Follies? you mean Marlenas in Hayes Valley? It is fun and trans-friendly... I was out at Q Bar last night, and tonight I am supposed to meet this guy off OKCupid

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 23, 2011, 09:48:30 PM
Follies? you mean Marlenas in Hayes Valley? It is fun and trans-friendly... I was out at Q Bar last night, and tonight I am supposed to meet this guy off OKCupid

I was a top...You know how rare a top is in the Castro? LOL

I just used A4A in the past year for pranks. Like, "you're a hot gay dude and I am a ->-bleeped-<-...wanna do me? But you thought i was a hot boy...Just close your eyes and imagine I am that boy again"

Yeah, hasn't been successful and I attracted all the men who were into femmes. Even when I had A4A the first time around...

lol, that is what I heard, that everyone was a bottom in the Castro-

Do you ever hit the straight bars/clubs in SF as well? I love Temple!

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 24, 2011, 12:02:43 PM
lol, that is what I heard, that everyone was a bottom in the Castro-

Do you ever hit the straight bars/clubs in SF as well? I love Temple!

I love Temple San Jose

But never been to the ones in the City.

But yeah, I was a top. I am gonna be a top again via viagra. heehee.

lol, guess what? I went home with two andro people from Q Bar last night and had a lil afterparty... no sex though. We all crashed sleeping together drunk. I woke up with all of my clothes on, but one of them had panties on. gawk!

I think I am hitting Divas and the straight bars on Polk Street tonight - I need a break from Castro. lol

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 24, 2011, 03:46:50 PM
lol, guess what? I went home with two andro people from Q Bar last night and had a lil afterparty... no sex though. We all crashed sleeping together drunk. I woke up with all of my clothes on, but one of them had panties on. gawk!

I think I am hitting Divas and the straight bars on Polk Street tonight - I need a break from Castro. lol

I never go to the Loin.

I am home in Hayward talkin to some guy from Alabama who fixes cars. I assumed he was a cute ironic hipster... He's a freedom loving American. Gawd, I feel like Fifi.

Well you are missing out on lots of straight guys who are open minded in the Loin, lol. The mere presence of Divas and the TS prostitutes who streetwalk there has awakened lots of the guys' secret desires, lol

As evidenced by how Divas usually get flooded by drunk, horny young guys stumbling in from other straight bars on Polk Street (a street over) at 1:00 A.M.... lol.

I have but stood smoking a cigarette many times in front of Divas, observing how the guy would stand in front of Divas, peering inside, swaying and debating whether to go in or not ... literally like a kid in front of a candy store. Heh.

Quote from: MsDazzler on December 25, 2011, 12:12:16 AM
Well you are missing out on lots of straight guys who are open minded in the Loin, lol. The mere presence of Divas and the TS prostitutes who streetwalk there has awakened lots of the guys' secret desires, lol

As evidenced by how Divas usually get flooded by drunk, horny young guys stumbling in from other straight bars on Polk Street (a street over) at 1:00 A.M.... lol.

I have but stood smoking a cigarette many times in front of Divas, observing how the guy would stand in front of Divas, peering inside, swaying and debating whether to go in or not ... literally like a kid in front of a candy store. Heh.

I have nothing to wear there...everything is meant for a day in the Marina or Haight.