Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Lately I have been getting this terrible anxiety when I ride in elevators with other women. The more in there with me the worse it is. I volunteer at a Children's hospital once a week and as you can imagine I often find myself in the elevator with 4 or 5 GG's. The anxiety is getting worse and I needed to do something about it while it was still manageable.

I am an addict and I have a home group, a transgender and allies group and most everyone inattendance is transgender. I thought to myself that my problem might be helped if I found a womans meeting where I could have normal friendly relationships with GG's. This morning I went to the first available women's meeting. I showed up a little late and they had me introduce myself. I told them I was an addict with about 6 months clean, I outed myself to the group and told them that I was fearful of other women and so I felt a womens Step Study my help get over it. They welcomed me to the group and were all very nice to me.

I hope this works because I love to be with women and I know that if I don't get this controled I will start isolating more and my depression wil return.

Huggs

Emily

I am confused.. you mean you are scared of being with natal females as in being friends and in close proximity or intimacy and sex?

thats funny i have the same issues. It sucks cuz i totally pass but being around gg's  makes me very self conscious . I had a job where i worked at a nightclub where there were only really pretty girls that worked there and it was incredibly intimidating.   :-\

@MsDazzler, I don't have any as geographically close friends and I get anxious when ever thtere is more then two or three in close proximity. The worst is in elevators.


@Angelfaced, you totally pass and are even pretty! Have you found a way of improving it or do you just suffer through your shift.

I think it goes back to grade school and middle school. Girls were very mean to me back then. Ever since then I have been pretty uncomfortable around girls or women although I can deal with them one on one with out too much difficulty.

Huggs

Emily

Emily, I don't think I have anything particularly close to draw on for ideas, but I'll try to wing it.  If it's useless for you, oh well.  If there's something useful, great.

One line of thought goes back to the 'counters' I mentioned in a different topic.  To apply them, though, first you have to slow down your thought processes some (like in leisure at home) and see if there are any comments you're making to yourself that help escalate your anxiety when you're in that elevator with several GG (whatever they are exactly).  For one situation I had (very different) the mere fact of slowing down and examining what my thoughts were was enough to make for improvement.

Once you have some of those negative thoughts in hand, start thinking about what you can tell yourself to counter the negatives.  This probably isn't the fundamental thought, but for illustration:
Negative: "Girls were mean to me in grade school and middle school."  and the anxiety comes from the follow-on "And they'll do it again today."
Counter: "I'm a much more solid and mature person now, and so are they."  With the follow-on "So they won't act like that any more." and "Even if they did, they don't have that kind of power over mature me."

I don't know how true those are, and you definitely have to say things to yourself that you believe are true.  And if your situation for 'mean to me' is more in line with PTSD, I have no clue what to do.

Assuming it isn't a PTSD situation for you, a different approach that you might also try is something of a divide and conquer.  Namely, turn take the anxiety thought and follow it down slowly and rationally.  Fine, "they'll be mean to me (today)."  What mean things, exactly, are these adult women going to do?  -- tell you you can't play Barbie with them? (as we'll say happened in middle school)  Ok, so how bad is it, to you today as a mature woman, that snots won't let you play Barbie with them?  Repeat through the perhaps many different examples you're concerned with.  Some might not be as easy to divide down to something you can eventually relax about the possibility.  But I'd hope that knocking down some of them will help lower your stress levels on that elevator.

Related line (my wife is learning, after only 8 years konwing me, not to ask me 'what's the worst that can happen', though it can work for other people; my imagination is way to powerful) is perhaps to consider -- How long is that elevator ride anyhow?  What can they really do (again, not one to go to if you're PTSD near this) in that short a time that would really matter to me?

@Cisdad, thank you very much for the suggestions. It has been almost a year since I last had CBT and your strategies are what I learned there. I guess I might be getting rusty and going back into old habits.

Huggs

Emily

Quote from: angelfaced on December 14, 2011, 10:33:46 PM
thats funny i have the same issues. It sucks cuz i totally pass but being around gg's  makes me very self conscious . I had a job where i worked at a nightclub where there were only really pretty girls that worked there and it was incredibly intimidating.   :-\

I am just picking up on girls cattiness now. Eek

But yeah I pass really well around GGs.

Quote from: Emily Ray on December 15, 2011, 06:33:26 PM
@Cisdad, thank you very much for the suggestions. It has been almost a year since I last had CBT and your strategies are what I learned there. I guess I might be getting rusty and going back into old habits.

Huggs

Emily

Huggs to you too Emily! Glad there was some familiarity for you.  I'm not a therapist, but what I've read from the cognitive-behavioral crowd has seemed more useful/practical than other things I've seen.

Periodic refreshers are probably good ideas for this, too.  I more normally do it for running form.  Some for depression.

I loathe the title, but a cbt book you might find useful for the occasional refresher is The Feeling Good Handbook, by Dr. David Burns.

I'm not sure how exactly my opinion fits in here, but I'm scared of cisgirls too.

@emily  i quit working there. the place was really shady in business practices so i opted to not accept the job. wuts hilarious is that the gm of that place messaged me on fb sunday and asked me if i still wanted a job. LOL

       i think honestly it has to do with how i was treated while transitioning. i did it in a small texas town as a waitress and the town was a tourist trap so we were always insanely busy. i was eventually accepted but there were some people there that were still incredibly mean to me. i actually had a girl walk up to me , look in my face and tell me how ugly i was in front of a bunch of customers. tbh, im well aware now that the reason she did it was cuz in her mind i wouldnt do anything and if i tried to kick her ass i wouldve been arrested cuz i was legally still male. girls can be completely ruthless and maybe ive been kinda traumatized. its been 6 months since i moved and havent yet accepted a job.

There are some really nasty cisgirls out there, but I've discovered that most people in general grow up once they get out of school. Life kind of hits them and they mellow out a lot. Makes them a lot more rational and compassionate.

Just wanted to pop in and say that I can totally relate.

Womens AA/NA meetings help a lot! I'm also a recovering addict, so please know that you're not alone in your struggle.

Sponsorship has been a bit of a stumbling block for me because I'm so terrified of rejection.

I guess the only way to move beyond fear is to face it though, right?

*hugs*

--Kelli

Quote from: angelfaced on December 16, 2011, 12:34:26 PM
@emily  i quit working there. the place was really shady in business practices so i opted to not accept the job. wuts hilarious is that the gm of that place messaged me on fb sunday and asked me if i still wanted a job. LOL

       i think honestly it has to do with how i was treated while transitioning. i did it in a small texas town as a waitress and the town was a tourist trap so we were always insanely busy. i was eventually accepted but there were some people there that were still incredibly mean to me. i actually had a girl walk up to me , look in my face and tell me how ugly i was in front of a bunch of customers. tbh, im well aware now that the reason she did it was cuz in her mind i wouldnt do anything and if i tried to kick her ass i wouldve been arrested cuz i was legally still male. girls can be completely ruthless and maybe ive been kinda traumatized. its been 6 months since i moved and havent yet accepted a job.

Girls were doggin me in San Jose tonight. I guess it's safe to say they no longer see me as the "gay best friend in drag" LOL...