Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I had a lot of body image issues growing up and want to make sure those aren't mixing with my already butch/queerness to cause mixed gendered feelings. When I was in middle/high school I envied the skinny girls with perfect stomachs and thighs. Now I envy guys with perfect stomachs and chests, but that's another story. Can anyone relate?

I was overweight when I was younger and then I got put on medication which acted as a metabolic stimulant and an appetite suppressant because of its side effects. I lost a lot of weight and I started to feel less insecure about myself, but then a couple of months later my insides starting talking and were like, "HAY GAIZ, I THINK IT IZ TIME FOR PUBERTIZ". I wish I'd hit puberty much later in my adolescence. I was hardly eleven years old when it happened and the moment I became sexually aware, the more I began to realize how much my body felt "wrong".  I don't think I can relate to you with trying to compete with other girls, because I knew if I wanted to, I could've. Most girls would kill to have porcelain skin, be cute and petite, and still have the sex appeal of a larger chest. I suppose this made me despise myself even more, because I felt like I should be happy with my body, but instead, before I even had the words for it, I wanted to hide it from the world and wished I was built more like a boy. Before puberty, it was much harder to tell the difference and much easier for me not to associate myself with a gender. I'd always done more "masculine" things as a child without being disparaged for it, but was never really told to be that way; basically, I'd never been forced into a conflict with my gender identity before this time. I think to some degree it's harder knowing that there isn't much else wrong with your body other than the fact than it's attached to you. There's a lot of times I wish some "cis-girl" could have had it, because she probably would have appreciated it a lot more than I ever had.
      I don't think wanting to be skinnier is necessarily gender based though. There's a lot more to envy about girls than their stomachs and thighs. Same goes for the stomachs and chests on men. For instance, if I were cis-girl, I would likely find the time to envy a girl's chest as well, unless I was already buxom enough. >_< If this a scenario of purely weight issues, it's likely that you'll be at least slightly envious of anyone who is skinnier and or "more fit" than you are.

When I was growing up, I personally thought that if I had the perfect girl body that I would be happy...not so much. I even went as far as almost getting breast implants (thank goodness I didn't) and plastic surgery on my nose and chin. 

I look at it as I just have body issues. Plain and simple. Not related to gender or anything else. Before I realized I was trans, I wanted to be the hottest, most attractive, best looking female I could possibly attempt to be. Now that I've realized I'm male...I feel the same way. I want to be the hottest, most attractive male I can be, and I get envious.

Yeah. I confused what I wanted with what others wanted a lot, and body was just one of those. I wanted to have no boobs, and a male figure, but people made fun of my chest and body so I felt that 'I' wanted to have big boobs and a girly figure and all that. I did it with clothes as well, I wanted male clothes but couldn't wear them, so got put into these "black women's dress pants and blouse" outfits as a compromise...as time went on I believed that was what I liked, but I truly hated them and to this day can't even wear solid coloured jeans because it reminds me of what I was put in to seem like a presentable, if not pretty, girl.

Nope. Always felt I shouldn't have any female parts at all and always hated it.

No. I pretty much gave up on my appearance and accepted the fact I wasn't conventionally attractive (although I had potential to be if I actually tried to look feminine). I never felt the need to have big tits or a small body, etc. The possibility that it could happen really pissed me off.

I can! I was pretty ambivalent about my body for most of middle/high school, but I do remember instances when I'd look at lean, toned girls and think it would be nicer if I was more like them.

Now I look at hot guys and think I WANT TO LOOK LIKE THAT. Not gonna happen, tho.  :P I always did it to an extent; when I was little I also idolized a lot of male characters on tv/movies and wanted to be them, body and all.

No, I've always wanted to be more muscular and masculine-looking. Got my first cheap weight set from Kmart at 14 and have been chasing my ideal male body ever since. I never wore makeup or anything else that might accentuate my female features because it creeped me out to have guys be attracted to me as a girl.

No. I never cared about my body the way a female generally does. The chest growths were just...there- and had to be dealt with in some way. Never took any pride in the fact that I had 'em. I want to be a bit thinner, but that's only because I have always been a chubby kid and am tired of it, plus I wanna lose weight to go on testosterone. I never wore make-up, and I looked rather weird the two times I let my friends put some on me. I look like, for the lack of a better description.....a horribly done drag queen. No offense to anyone, but thats how it is :/

even when i presented as female and didnt think about being trans when i compared my body to other people, i was wayyyy more jealous of guys. i never even saw girls bodies (even really nice abs and stuff) as being desirable.

No. I always had a very androgynous body type (tall and slim) and enjoyed it.
I really liked my body until I was 9 or 10 and puberty hit, then I tried to like it, then I hated it.. Now I'm trying to like it again, which is going well.

nah, I never cared much at all about my appearance. I wasn't really self conscious about things most girls were, didnt worry about my weight or my boob size or my makeup or being pretty.

Not even a fleeting thought.  Instead of contemplating which string bikini would complement my skin tone best, I was busy reading anatomy books with the goal of cutting my own tits off.

Not in a million years. Now that I think about it, I didn't even know what kinda body I wanted but certainly boobless. I didn't give a damn how I looked, I always wore way too big hoodies and jeans, trying to hide in them. I guess it went okay since I wasn't picked on or anything.

I do remember a very brief time when I really wanted boobs. I was 15/16 and essentially pre-puberty (I had an eating disorder which delayed my puberty) and I really wanted a boyfriend and thought that my lack of boobs was the reason why I couldn't get one. I got over that really quickly and absolutely hated it when they did start to grow.

Other then that, I was always jealous of girls with really androgynous bodies. I guess I still am to an extent because I feel like transition would be a lot easier if my body wasn't the ridiculously exaggerated hourglass shape that it is.

I where less than 12 by that time,
I do remember trying to look pretty but by pretty it was more to look cool"
I wasnt into make up or anything, remember when we had fashion day in the girl group, all the girls put on make up and so,
I put my hair up and a shalf around my haid and called it fashion"

I had a pretty fine body as young, but still I didnt like it and didnt care much for my look.

now I care alot about my aperance and bying clothes actually got funny.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on December 26, 2011, 09:04:36 PM
Nope. Always felt I shouldn't have any female parts at all and always hated it.

Same here.

I've always envied the men/boys who had large muscles and their strength. I desperately wanted that strength and to be able to showcase it with muscles. I've never wanted breasts and was lucky enough to have very small ones and thus never actually wore a bra until late high school. I've been ashamed of my female parts ever since I can remember. I can't wait to get rid of them!

I actually did think that I just wasn't pretty enough so tried to girl it up...unfortunately I did end up getting a nose job and implants ....so binding is almost impossible...my body is unmistakably feminine but I look very androgynous now with short hair and no make up..but there was a time I looked like a girl off of playboy...:/ ugh...

Well there are things that are attractive regardless of gender: clear skin, healthy hair, fitness, etc. that of course I would have liked. But anything that made girls attractive because they were girls I wanted no part of. XD The more masculine, the better. Of course, that got harder and harder until I transitioned.

Quote from: Logan Erik on December 27, 2011, 12:28:49 PM
No, never wanted female anything on me, ick.  I did however envy girls who were more androgynously shaped than me, who could have passed easier than me if they wanted to.

Yeah, that's it.

I have already said that I never desired to have the "perfect" female body, but I am just lost in my own thoughts at the moment...it may be TMI, but since "downstairs" is not even quite normal for a female, I actually am feeling a little bit weirder about my body lately. Its like my body decided it didn't want to be a "normal" female either, despite my genetics. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather have a penis...but knowing I'm not "right" either way...sigh.  Nothing earth-shattering, just strange and disconcerting. Gah. Anyway, thats my tired rant for the night :/

Yes, I didn't want to have a girl's body but because for ages I wasn't even aware one could transition, I wanted to make the best of what I had and be the prettiest girl I could be. I was always bullied at school for not looking "right" - I was short, slightly overweight, had muscular legs and more hair than is thought right on girls because of my PCOS. So when I went to uni, I made a conscious effort to straighten my hair, put on a bit of make-up, wear tighter clothes, so that I would be considered pretty - and it worked, from the outsider's point of view. Inside, however, I always felt like I was in drag and would always yearn to look like my male friends instead. Now I quite enjoy the freedom of going birdwatching or working out without worrying that I look a bit nerdy/sweaty and minging with no make-up, but I am also really enjoying the new style possibilities of men's clothes and can't wait to have the male shape to fill them!

Yeah, I remember people say that my body was 'athletic' meaning, too muscular, or not
girly enough! 'Heavy bones' is another one of my all time favourites!
Up until I was 14/15, I was rather chubby, then lost a considerable amount of weight and
from then on pursued the dream of becoming a pretty girl/woman and attract the guys
attention; but never felt like ME! I came hate myself for it, but couldn't help it, I never knew
that you could get good results with hormones and stuff at that time; thank God we all
know better now, and the internet has put an end to the isolation and lack of info and the
whole thing is if not normal, at least more obtainable. It's not a dream anymore.
I was always a keen horserider, so ballet, figure skating or gymnastics were never my hobbies,
thus I couldn't embarrass myself too much there :embarrassed:
When I was 17 or so, I saw a movie (a restored version of Lawrence of Arabia) and totally fell
in love with Peter o Toole (he's an old fart now, but boy, did he look gorgeous in 1962! I saw the
film in 1991 though, so I'm not that old;))) but not in a girly way, and that's when the 'trouble'
started, ditched the boyfriend (he never knew what hit him, poor sod!), ditched the girly clothes,
cut my hair and never regretted it....still got old pics of myself as a 'pretty woman', even let my
hair grow a couple of years ago but found it far too fussy to maintain...

Quote from: CaptainFantastic on December 28, 2011, 03:08:44 PM
I came hate myself for it, but couldn't help it, I never knew
that you could get good results with hormones and stuff at that time; thank God we all
know better now, and the internet has put an end to the isolation and lack of info and the
whole thing is if not normal, at least more obtainable. It's not a dream anymore.

It was a serious revelation when I realized what hormones could actually do! :) I had no idea.

There were times when my classmates (mostly boys but often those so-trendy girls too) told me I was somehow.. weird. Not a boy, not a girl. That/it. Forcing me to wear baggy, large T-shirts to hide myself, my hairy female body: so I remember certain moments when I wanted to live my life - on this or on that side. But finally I ended up like I did not want to own a perfect female body. Because my ugly voice, moves, mimics and body language would betray the picture. All tries - all are useless.
(Erm, then I've always created male avatars, charas... because envied the male body shape, hips and shoulders a bit.)

Being physically fit is important to me, but I've never wanted a perfect body.  Imperfect bodies are more interesting.

Quote from: Dominick_81 on December 27, 2011, 01:04:42 PM
Same here.

Same. I never wanted a female body at all... I didn't think I was attractive, but I hated my body, so I kind of... gave up on it. Didn't care. Felt ->-bleeped-<-ty about it but at the same time, was convinced I was just stuck.

Afterthought:
There's nothing wrong with being a trans guy whose comfortable with his body parts, though, before anyone reads this and thinks "oh well I'm abnormal" or something, you're not. As long as your identity is 'male', that's who you are, regardless of whether you want surgery or not. :]

It's hard to say because I always felt I wanted a male body even since a very young age but I surpressed it and did want a skinny tall  female body to fit in but at 5'4 and 200 plus pounds with no will power to loose weight at the time I just slipped the perfect female body to the back of my mind and thought more about the male body I wanted

I hated having a female body since forever, but I also went through a small phase in high school in which I forced myself to accept that because I could never be what I knew I was, I'd do whatever I could to please everyone around me. Which was, of course, looking as "pretty" as I could. All it did was send me spiraling down into a deep depression though, and it was such a relief when I stopped fighting what I was. I felt like I was living someone else's life the whole time.

I remember I wanted nothing more but to look like an androgynous pretty boy all throughout high school. I was partially out to myself then. I probably would've come out if my mom hadn't ingrained in me that men were sexist or hairy or total slobs - things that were quite unappealing to me. Anyways, I was always trying to convince myself that I could be a pretty girl who still acted like a dude instead. And I was pretty in a very natural and unforced way. It was totally wrong for me though. Plus I still get to be pretty like I wanted to, hah.

Perfect, not really. But I did enjoy having a big chest, curves and being told I was pretty. I was popular with the boys, and I did a lot to keep it happening even though I was always uncomfortable with myself. I guess I've always had a pretty big vain streak ;)

Quote from: insideontheoutside on December 26, 2011, 09:04:36 PM
Nope. Always felt I shouldn't have any female parts at all and always hated it.

me too

@ captainfantastic, you should post your pics in the pre transition pics blog :), keep it alive...lol...

@ caseeyy yes once I saw my first youtube video and saw the changes a guy could make, i was like i want some :) I know I look femme now but with T I can become rough around the edges...thanks to the pre transition blog and youtube videogs I have seen guys who were once very femme like me become very masculine...though i do want to keep some femme touches like guyliner and longer hair :)

I had no idea I could transition, then once I did know I didn't have the courage to come out or actually do anything about it, so I basically trashed my female body, morbidly obese, cut myself etc. I was in a pretty bad shape, once I came to accept that I could be me, and I did have the strength to go through transition and the terror of coming out, I'm trying to reverse the obesity, but the scars will be there forever, but hey, live and learn :) just have to push myself and I'll be a happy boy!