Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am in such a state of confusion I don't know what to do with myself. I will try to make this as short as possible but it may be kinda long so please bear with me.

I am a 20 year old, biological female. I thought I was female all my life...though I was a bit of a tomboy and did have episodes of wanting to grow a pen!s and often pretended I had one..and I often identified with boyish girls..I also once asked my mom if God would turn me into a boy...to which she told me no. I did go through a brief period of around six years old where I wanted a male anatomy and genetilia and often waited to "grow a pen!s"..but other then that there was not a whole lot of distress about being female. I still wore dresses with no fuss....and grew into a teenager where I was feminine, with no trouble.

Ok, this is where it gets tricky..please bear with me.

At the age of 18 I started roleplaying online as male. I did it for awhile and I noticed something...I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being called "he" and having people refer to me and view me as a guy...I liked people thinking I was anatomically a male. Needless to say, confusion set in.....I started experimenting in real life with male haircuts and clothes and I just cannot go back to female clothhing..I enjoy the maleness much much more. But you see, I do not believe I am transsexual because for a certain time in my life I had no issues being female...it was almost like i was fine...until I discovered I COULD be male. Then everything changed. I wanted to be male with all my heart.

I began to grow uncomfortable with my genitilia and breasts...and my overall femaleness which I once didn't mind because it got me the male attention that I so craved.

It has been about 3 years now and these yearnings to be a guy has not gone away. But I really do not think I am transexual because I have not been this way all my life. Maybe I am something else? I don't know..

I'm just so confused...

NW:

You're confusion is normal.  We all feel that way.

Perhaps part of it is because of the increase in information from the media.  Many of the shows, Anderson Cooper's latest interview with trans children come to mind, describe the trans children as having these sensations from a very early age and are very extreme about their feelings.

This is not always the case.  Each person's path is different.  I too did not have extreme feelings like I was the wrong gender when I was a child, though I did feel that something was wrong, and that was all I could put my finger on.

Unfortunately, there is no objective test for transsexuality.  Basically you are because you say you are.  Most gender counselling will pass pretty quickly on the diagnosis of transsexuality, usually within a few sessions.  The majority of counselling is about "What are you going to do about it?"

And that is pretty much the issue for you now.  What are you going to do about it?  A suggestion would be to start seeing a gender counselor and work through your issues and opportunities.

Also, too, if you are feeling comfortable in the male role, go for it.

And welcome to Susan's!

-Sandy

 I agree with everything Sandy said...

I'd try to avoid labelling yourself. Do whatever makes you happy; if that involves taking testosterone, and going through the transition process, then you might want to go for that.

I didn't really have much doubt about it, myself, but when I did wonder whether this was the right path for me, I asked myself a series of questions - the "What would you do anyway" string. In the end, I decided that even if I didn't transition, I would still want to get rid of my facial (and body) hair, I would still want to take hormones, I'd still dress very femininely, still use the girl voice, still want SRS and FFS and all that stuff. Basically, even if I didn't transition, I would still transition. :P

What you want to do and how far you want to go is up to you; thinking of transition as a whole package is not necessary. Additionally, there are certainly a great number of trans people that have not felt the need to transition their whole lives. Some discover it sooner, others find it later, and others-still have a period of time where they can live as their biological sex without issue, though how long this lasts is greatly variable between people.

A therapist that specializes in gender can be extremely helpful to sort this out with. I find that taking a step back to look at this analytically also helps...

Wishin' ya th'best :)

When I was younger, I saw myself as nothing more than a tomboy.
I didn't discover I identified with men until I became more sexually aware; actually, the first place I started identifying as a guy was online too, so I can relate to this.

However, most cisgendered bio-females do not dream or wish they had a penis from my experience; one of the main reasons I had a hard time associating myself with the word "transsexual" is because I never liked the way the word sounded as well as some of the bad connotations it had.It took a while for me to come to terms with that even though there was nothing wrong with my body, it would still feel like that body should have never belonged to me personally; attempts to feminize yourself to try to fit your overtly feminine body is not something I'm unfamiliar with. Because you are putting a label on what would seem to be a "gender identity crisis", it's a lot easier to make assumptions about what type of person you should be as well. The truth is you are you and that should transcend gender labels. You shouldn't conform to anything unless it's what makes you happy. If you want to transition, so be it, and if you don't, that's your decision. Don't let the feeling of not fitting a purported label perfectly be the only thing that keeps you from coming to terms with yourself though.