Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've noticed it seems many here are fairly open about who they are offline from the way people talk.

I was wondering if anyone else is still completely hiding everything from people offline? I'm just curious how do you deal with it? Everyday I feel worse for it, I hate lying to people and now my life feels more and more like a total lie.

Its gotten to the point that my depression meds didn't seem to be helping anymore so, among a few other reasons as well, I've stopped taking them everyday. I just take one of them every couple days in the hopes it will take some edge off. Honestly I can't tell if it does.

Anyone got any tips on dealing with this? I figured even those not hiding it probably did at some point before so maybe someone might have some ideas. Thanks.

*Flails* I'm in hiding, as well :-\

I live with my parents and it's becoming awfully bothersome because I wanted to start laser hair removal months ago, but can't since I'm not out to them. I've quite a thick beard and coming home all red-faced and possibly swollen would raise questions.

I'm slowly preparing myself to tell them, though, at least my mom.

As far as coping with it, I don't really have much trouble with it (if it wasn't for the facial hair, again). I've always been quite introverted so I don't feel like saying it out to the world that I'm trans. Yet.

Well I don't really want to broadcast it to everyone. It would just be nice to have a couple people that really know me that I could talk to. I just know that's not possible with my family and friends. Thankfully I don't see my parents much if at all, it's mostly my gf/ex/whatever that I live with that is my problem. Right now she's all I have offline and there is no way she'd understand any of this. Same for everyone else I might be able to see in person.

So I have to hide it till I can figure out how to get away from them all. I just wish I didn't have to hide it and it's getting pretty hard now.

Thanks for the reply.

I hid for awhile. I didn't actually even come out and tell people in a planned way. The pressure just got to be too much, and with some people I'd already dropped too many hints, and with others I was starting to be really really miserable about pretending all the time.

That's probably not very uplifting.

It's ok Felix, thanks for replying. I'm heading towards the miserable part already and it's only been a few months, I don't even plan on trying to transition till much later in the year if not next year so I have no idea right now on what to do. Actually I still need to see a therapist I could just be messed up in the head for all I know. Well I know I am, but I mean I don't even know if I will transition, just seems like something I want right now when I feel able to.

Just confused, thanks again. *hug*

 :icon_hug:

btw your avatar always reminds me of this:
Damn Good Times (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zw2XuTvbeQ8#)

There really is no "right" way to transition, we are all different.  How far to take the whole thing will be a totally subjective personal decision, and many people stop and start quite a few times.  That is where a good Gender Therapist can help.  They don't tell you what to do, but help you ask the right questions of yourself.  Dealing with life long GID certainly messes with your head, but the good news is that sorting out the Gender issues can often end the Depression that dealing with GID every day and coping with other's reactions  can cause.

Having suffered from Depression myself, I had to try a couple of medications before I found the most effective on.  Some of them plateau after a while, so it might be worth talking to your doctor about the results you are having, and perhaps trying another one.

Main thing though is not to be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend suffering the same problems. 
Have a hug from me too.

Aunty Karen.

Amalina.

May I make a suggestion, for what it's worth? Don't tell anyone.

Now I realise that may sound frustrating and the opposite oif what you actually want, but if you think if it, it makes perfect sense.

You be who you are. You express femininity.

You grow your hair long, as you wish, and style it as it makes you feel comfortable.

You choose and wear clothes that express who you are and how you feel. You may be a bit limited but that's life really. Everyone has to wear what's appropriate.

In short, if you're going to go down, you go down for being who you are and not because you failed at being someone who you're not.

Felix that is an awesome video, thanks. :)

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
There really is no "right" way to transition, we are all different.  How far to take the whole thing will be a totally subjective personal decision, and many people stop and start quite a few times.  That is where a good Gender Therapist can help.  They don't tell you what to do, but help you ask the right questions of yourself.  Dealing with life long GID certainly messes with your head, but the good news is that sorting out the Gender issues can often end the Depression that dealing with GID every day and coping with other's reactions  can cause.

I'm still learning what a therapist is for, a lot of stuff I read made it sound like it would be more their call than mine on if I should or shouldn't. Thanks.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
Having suffered from Depression myself, I had to try a couple of medications before I found the most effective on.  Some of them plateau after a while, so it might be worth talking to your doctor about the results you are having, and perhaps trying another one.

That's another problem for me, I currently due to a recent move don't have a doctor or even insurance so I am trying to figure that out asap but running into a whole lot of nothing. And I have a feeling my old psych might not do another refill, she already set me up ahead of time to compensate for the move but I'm not getting things organized as fast as I thought and will soon be out of pills anyways.

Quote from: justmeinoz on January 14, 2012, 02:37:43 AM
Main thing though is not to be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend suffering the same problems. 
Have a hug from me too.

Aunty Karen.

Another thing I've always been bad at. Always been super critical of myself in everything from self image to my art and writing. That will be a hard one for sure. Thanks for the hug, always love hugs. :icon_hug:

Spacial,

I totally get what you're saying and while it would work for a lot of people I'm sure, I doubt it would for me. Being myself would be a drastic change from the role I'm playing. I'm seen as the total alpha male, never show emotions, big guy you don't really give second looks too. Any small changes would be very noticeable, especially by my gf/ex/? which is my main concern right now. Only thing I have going for me on that list is I've had long hair since high school.

I already know I won't be able to be me in the position I'm in. I will need to escape but that is not going to be easy or soon unfortunately. Which is why I'm hoping to figure out how to deal with this. Thanks though, I really appreciate the advice, and hope to get to that eventually.

Hi Amalina,

The community membership here at Susan's is in some way shape or form are at some point in their journey of self acceptance. Hence the perceived openness off line. Those outside still living in denial, won't be here. So welcome to Susan's. The best family on the web, bar none. You are among friends.

You obviously have accepted your differences and are prepared to work on discovering a whole new world that will make you comfortable. As Karen mentioned, each journey is quite different and personally yours. It appears you are in the initial stages of your journey and it is a wise choice, albeit somewhat frustrating, to remain in hiding/stealth/anonymous, until you know some answers. There is nothing more demoralising than to try and explain to friends or significant others, how you feel if you cannot explain it.

Taking time to get to know yourself, your feeling and where this journey is taking you, through the help of your therapist, creates the poise, confidence and commitment necessary to explain to others with absolute determination, who you are, why and where you are heading; with or without them. Such confidence, inspires others belief in you.

Hope this helps in some way. Would love to hear more of your journey in time to come. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I am not hiding, my policy is just dont ask dont tell, i am impatient to grow different, tough, all this waiting is full of pain, and i fight everyday with the limits of my messed up psichology that mostly derives by not being me since kid and having suffered too much!

You can do what you want!

But please be carefull with your meds!!!

I have a devastating depression, really I do suffer evereday and everymoment for the needs I have, the things, the life I miss, maybe meds slows me down, but I would be helpless, suffering without hope to get out without them! Meds just buy you time to deal with your needs and confront and accept your faith and sufferings, for blooming just after!

Thanks Catherine, I do hope to stick around here for a while.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
I hide what I was for a very long time. Most of my coping methods should not be imitated, but here are some of the less self-destructive ones:

Yeah I'm trying to avoid some destructive ones I used to rely on when I was much younger.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Books, movies, tv, music... anything that helps to just not think about it for a bit and give yourself a break. Working this stuff over in your mind endlessly eventually amounts to self-torture, and it can be hard to stop yourself. Physical activity (that you like) can provide the same kind of temporary release, or just going out for a walk and getting away from your usual space. If you learn to watch for the signs that your thinking is spiralling more negative, sometimes you can make the effort to do something to interrupt it.

I do like to read and watch movies a lot, but yeah it's really hard not to overthink everything. Thats always been a problem for me. I'm not much on physical activity but part of my goals is to lose weight so that might be one thing soon here.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
If you can find even one person you trust enough to tell that would be awesome to give yourself an outlet. Since you don't get on so well with your family/friends, that could be a therapist (make sure you like them though) or going to a trans support group in your area, or even coming on here and ranting when things suck. Alternatively it can help sometimes to write it out onto paper (just try not to read what you've written afterwards, it can tend to get grim  :-\ ).

I do have one person I might be able to trust, one of my oldest and best friends, really like a sister to me. She lives a few states away though, and while I hope to move there eventually I'm in no position to even plan it yet right now and I don't think I can talk to her over the phone or net about something like this.

I have looked up a local support group and made contact online with them, they seem awesome so far. I have tried to open up on here some but I just worry about being "that" person, the "oh it's them again, probably some more whining". I've known too many quite open about those feelings before towards me so it's a big reason I hide emotions outside of the expectation due to being seen as a guy. I know the posters here are awesome and probably wouldn't but it's just hard not to worry about losing them before we even become friends.

I do have an outlet though, I post thoughts and rants and complaints on my tumblr. Amazingly I even have a few followers that are pretty supportive. Still it's the net so it only goes so far, I appreciate all of them of course but it's not the same as someone in person, you know?

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Having a plan for when you will start doing something about this, possibly with calendar dates, can make the waiting less miserable. Knowing that I had a set endpoint actually helped me feel a lot better in the last few months I was waiting. (But it can also backfire badly if you don't meet your goals, so careful with this one.)

Well the only real goal I have right now is my weight loss. I've always hated being fat and I don't think I could go through transition with that on me as well. So my current hopes are to lose a lot of my weight, about 130-140 pounds maybe. Then seriously look into transitioning and what I will need to do for myself to do it. I hope by then that either I got brave enough to either come out or escape.

Quote from: Sarah7 on January 14, 2012, 11:46:34 AM
Try to fill your time as productively as you can. Especially doing anything that makes you feel valuable and valid is great. Your sense of self-worth is probably in free-fall about now, and reminding yourself that you have talent/intelligence/capacity/bravery/whatever makes that feeling of being fake a lot more bearable at least for a bit. I was able to focus obsessively on doing very well in university, for example. That worked for about a year and a half.

Remember that this is an intensely personal and private thing, and you really don't owe anyone access to that before you are ready. Yes, you are wearing a mask, but it's for self-protection. Lying is keeping you safe. It is not a reflection on who you are, nor does it make you a bad person. It is a necessary evil that eventually will come to an end.

Well the only talent that makes me feel that way is my writing. I have some projects that have suffered lately because of all this that I need to work on again soon. I guess I could just make myself dive into it and hope it helps.

Also yeah I totally get that this is private and personal, and I know I shouldn't feel I owe anyone the truth. It's just not normal for me. While yeah I keep my feelings to myself offline a lot I have always been a really open book to anyone around me, new or old friends, and just admit but deflect if needed on some topics. Honesty is a huge deal for me and that's hard to get past. You make a lot of sense though. Thank you.

Sweet Blue Girl,

Thanks, and I know I need to watch the meds, I can relate to what you said about the suffering, I've spent 15+ years on and off going from light to hardcore depression till it finally forced me to own up and see a doc. I had a serious fear of being committed for how bad it gets, not to mention admitting being weak to people around me.

:icon_hug: to all of you, thanks for the support. It means a lot.

Listen to Spacial. Don't tell people about yourself. Be yourself.

I've found ppl knowing is totally overrated. I've told a handful of people and they never seem interested when I need to talk about something relating to my transsexuality even though they were totally cool with it. Even my sister who is 100% perfect with everything, if I say something about what hormones are doing to me she's like "cool" ... not necessarily the response you want right?

But if you're just yourself, people will leave you alone about it. I work in a workplace dominated by masculinity and, while I get teased for my femininity alot, it's all jokes and we all get along very well.

Don't tell people who you are, be who you are.

I came to Susan's as quite a frightened boigirl. The people hee have helped and I think spacial has hit the nail on the head. You will learn to grow into being you, here. It is not a race, but by realising we accept you as you, you will beginning to accept yourself.

The totally sad truth about our lives, and what all the therapy is about is a very simple secret.

We have to accept ourselves.

Once we do that no one else matters. There are no more jokes, There are no more comments, There are no more 'is that a guy in a dress'. You have accepted you. You are one.

This is what this place is about. We all know what hell is we live it and we face it. But we share it.

I did start coming out to friends and co-workers. No one cared to be honest. But I was well into accepting me by then. The harshest words were also some of the most interesting words. I came out to one of my female PhD students, I have known her for many years. She said. I'm so disappointed, you have always taught people to be themselves and to be true to your beliefs, and you have lied. How could you do that?

I have never lied again.

She also told the truth.

Accept yourself and live your life. There is no reason for excuses or explanations.

There is a reason to live your life.

Hugs

Cindy

Sorry for the delayed response, went back on my meds the yesterday, at least for the weeks worth I have, and they kinda make me loopy for a bit. Forgot that I hadn't replied here doh. I'm sorry if any of this doesn't make sense or goes off on tangents, hoping to articulate as best I can my thoughts.

Like I was saying to Spacial, I hear ya, and really I hope nobody is interested. That would be ideal, I'd rather not bore them anyways, I just know most will not be accepting and I will have major problems once they either notice or are told. I'm not looking for a confidant in them to work through my problems, I just want to not hide things or for instance feel awkward at comments that don't apply to me now that used to. It's really more about am I ready to lose people.

An example of what I mean. I have some mental health problems that have kept me out of work for a few years now. A huge factor in the need for depression meds and others. I have had only two options for surviving and that is to stay living with my at the time gf and since then she became my ex, now I don't know what is going on. I've tried to find a way out for a while but without work I'm kinda hosed. The other option is being homeless, for various reasons I don't have family I can stay with.

If she finds out, I know she will finally kick me out. She's not a bigot or anything but she is keeping me around I think mostly because she wants back together, I'm already a different guy than when we started dating, major life changes a few years back in attitude and faith stuff, this would be far too distant from that original guy. I have lived on the streets before, I could probably do it again, though meds will be hard to come by I'm sure. I just have so much on me right now pushing these pills to their limit as it is that adding on being homeless seems like a really bad idea.

Of course fear of that isn't my only reason for remaining hidden. I know I shouldn't care, writing a blog post on this actually heh, what others think, but I do. Being happy with myself even after transition will almost definitely rely on others as well as my own perspective. I want to be accepted for who I am, and I know that will require new friends and I'm dealing with that somewhat. I care too much what others think though.

Maybe I'm not quite ready for here. I know everyone is supportive and accepting but all I think of when I post is stupid things like "what if someone figures out who I am, I'm gonna look weak!" or "I can't believe I just admitted that!" As wrong of a mentality as it is, the way I grew up and I know those around me see it this way, being feminine for a guy is weak and all sorts of wrong and all that ignorance you'd expect. And really that's what they will see, not me becoming the woman I should have been but me being the man they thought they knew acting like a woman. So it's hard for me to ignore that, I know it's wrong and I don't think of others in that way but I can't help thinking of myself like that and being embarrassed at the thought of others seeing me like that. And really if I can't be myself around you all here without feeling so self conscious then I don't know how I'll ever do it offline.

I know this is just more excuses, but I felt maybe a bit more background might help. I'll just have to figure this out on my own I guess. I wish I could be like all of you but I just can't let go of my fears and my male pride for lack of a better term. Granted with the living situation a lot of that pride is pretty messed up, but when it comes to "being a man" I don't think I am ready for others to lose that illusion of me, at least dealing with knowing just how many close to me will bail and the ridicule that I expect from some of them. Not to mention the implications and things some may say due to my lack of work and living with gf situation, which is total bs but if I can think of it I'm sure someone else might.

I just wish I could disappear.

Thank you all for your responses. :icon_hug:

Hey. Whether you hang around this site or not, and whether you decide to come out and transition or not, it's okay. Your choices are valid. You're up against a lot.

Keep your heart, don't lose yourself.

Amalina,

Guess what. You are just like the rest of us.

We are all different and all the same. we are weak and we are strong.

I awake at night in a screaming fit, reliving what was in the past. I suspect you do as well.

Guess what? You are home know. You have a family and we can talk.

So talk. Pretty simple really.

Cindy

Quote from: Felix on January 17, 2012, 03:12:01 AM
Hey. Whether you hang around this site or not, and whether you decide to come out and transition or not, it's okay. Your choices are valid. You're up against a lot.

Keep your heart, don't lose yourself.

I'm not saying I want to leave, I love this site and am still so new to it, it just seems I may be out of place here right now. I can relate to a lot of what people say about their early self discoveries, but I have a hard time believing I can transition for various reasons, looks/weight being a big one as well as in this thread about coming out to people and how impossible that sounds to me right now. It just seems many here are in a totally different place than me, which is ok of course, I just find myself envying a lot of the posters here for their confidence in themselves and being able to live as themselves. I just worry that my posting is out of place and that my pessimism about myself leaks into my other posts around here, like I've said I don't want to be the resident whiner.

I do want to transition, and I would love to live normal as myself, it's just so confusing right now, honestly it feels like this will all be a waste of time and money in the end. Even if I might be happy about myself at some point I'll probably never have anything resembling the life I'd want, possibly because of my own weaknesses.

I'm sorry for sounding so depressing. I just have so much on my mind right now with all of this and Susans is one of the few places I trust to talk about it. I tried looking before and didn't see a forum for depression stuff here, if there is one just point me in the right direction, or if needed someone just tell me to shush, I'd rather that than annoy people. Thank you Felix for the response, you've been really kind to me since I joined, and thanks to everyone else also, I really do appreciate it.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 17, 2012, 03:35:47 AM
Amalina,

Guess what. You are just like the rest of us.

We are all different and all the same. we are weak and we are strong.

I awake at night in a screaming fit, reliving what was in the past. I suspect you do as well.

Guess what? You are home know. You have a family and we can talk.

So talk. Pretty simple really.

Cindy

Thank you Cindy. I'm trying, I've just been burned so many times before by close friends. The kind that act like they are your best friend then pester you to open up to them. Once you do then you become too depressing to be around and if your lucky they stop calling or answering their phone and ignore you. Some of course would rather drive the point home and say a lot of things they have to know is hurtful.

Of course I don't expect that here, just explaining why I have some trust issues with opening up to people at times. I want to but I worry about losing friends, even ones I might not have yet. I am trying though. *hugs* Thanks again.

My dear darling Amalina,

Sit down, get a coffee our whatever. Take your time I'm not going away.

Hi. I'm Cindy James. I'm a 59 yr old woman who lives in Adelaide, South Australia. 

I have been gang raped, I have been beaten, I have been rejected, I have been loved. I am loved.

I have been to the bottom of despair. I know how to crawl and I know how to beg.

I live and I win.

Friends are strange people. We think we know who they are, we put our emotional hearts into a persons hand, just to have the the life squeezed out. For every drop of blood there are a thousand tears.

What do we do?

Do we hide or do we stand proud?

Hiding is so easy and so gentle and so accepting and I can go to sleep and I'm hidden and no one knows and I'll never be frightened again and I can be fat and I can blame it on stuff and people will be sorry because I have gland problems and all Americans are fat bastards anyway so what.

I lay on the ground, my bottom shredded, my jaw dislocated, they didn't like my biting, they all knew me. I had been set up. I had to live with them at school and they reminded me every 10 mins. I had a choice. Your choice. Exactly the same. Live your life with pride or don't.

I chose to live.

I could not let those bastards win. NO way.

I'm me and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm a woman called Cindy James.

If anyone in the world denies that, then I will stand up. I stand up for me and my sister and brothers.

Time to draw the battle lines my new sister.

There is nothing to be afraid of except fear itself.

You can only go forwards with strength.

No none TG people have a clue how strong we are. We have been to hell and came back.

Cindy

Quote from: Amalina on January 17, 2012, 03:47:53 AM
I'm not saying I want to leave, I love this site and am still so new to it, it just seems I may be out of place here right now. I can relate to a lot of what people say about their early self discoveries, but I have a hard time believing I can transition for various reasons, looks/weight being a big one as well as in this thread about coming out to people and how impossible that sounds to me right now. It just seems many here are in a totally different place than me, which is ok of course, I just find myself envying a lot of the posters here for their confidence in themselves and being able to live as themselves. I just worry that my posting is out of place and that my pessimism about myself leaks into my other posts around here, like I've said I don't want to be the resident whiner.

I do want to transition, and I would love to live normal as myself, it's just so confusing right now, honestly it feels like this will all be a waste of time and money in the end. Even if I might be happy about myself at some point I'll probably never have anything resembling the life I'd want, possibly because of my own weaknesses.

I'm sorry for sounding so depressing. I just have so much on my mind right now with all of this and Susans is one of the few places I trust to talk about it. I tried looking before and didn't see a forum for depression stuff here, if there is one just point me in the right direction, or if needed someone just tell me to shush, I'd rather that than annoy people. Thank you Felix for the response, you've been really kind to me since I joined, and thanks to everyone else also, I really do appreciate it.

Please DON'T leave.  I made that mistake.  I felt I was on a 5-10 year plan and would never get to where all the other girls (and guys) on here were.  It made me jealous and depressed so I left.  But it wasn't easier.  I still had those thoughts and now I didn't have any examples of other people that had them and made it.  I was very hairy, 6' even and 250 pounds.  It just wasn't going to happen.  I was actually more depressed without being able to see others successes.  I thought it hurt to see them succeed when I couldn't, but found it hurt more to not see anyone succeed and imagine it would be the same for me.

Please try to stay positive.  Talk to a doctor about pharmaceutical help if you need, but I truly believe that our mood determines what we see.  You could be presented with an opportunity to do it all and if you aren't in a positive place find a reason to turn it down.  Once I finally got my depression and anxiety under control things just started happening for me.  It isn't that I suddenly got new doors, it is instead that I was finally able to see them.

I've been where you are (and I'm sure there are dozens of others).  It doesn't get easier to go back into denial.  As a matter of fact I found that each time I tried it, it worked for less and less time.  DO NOT let your family/friends/community tell you that you are week to see a therapist or seek pharmaceutical help.  Just do it.  I know it has done a world of good for me, and I bet we could find many others on this board.  Sure you will find naysayers of medicinal help, but also remember that the % of negative reviews online always outnumber the % of positive because if it breaks we want to tell everyone, but if it works we just move on with live and don't say anything.

Once you can accept yourself then you will start finding the doors.  They may be minor doors - my wife's best friend when told was incredibly supportive.  They may be major doors - I was on a phone consult with Dr. Z asking how far out he was book and before I knew it I had an appointment in 5 weeks because someone else canceled.  We are too afraid to open the doors when we are not accepting of ourselves or are afraid of the consequences.

IF YOU WANT, you can do it.

I'm in hiding.  I live with very bigoted parents who have only stopped making me feel like killing myself because they think im in "remission" or something.  I'm about to start therapy again so they'll find out soon and things will get bad.  I mainly copy by trying to find super active forums and maybe some online people I can talk to.

Another one hiding here.

The only one who knows how I feel is my wife.

To everybody else, I'm still trying to be a man. The one change has been that it's been more than a year since my last haircut. I've never had long hair before this, and it's definitely something that's part of my transition.

I work in a church. While the denomination may be friendly, the specific congregation I'm in is not.

My advice: Stay. Listen. Share. But know who you are. Don't let anybody here judge the steps you take or the pace you travel on the road. None of us has the whole picture of your life. None of us knows your whole history. Nobody knows the fullness of you. Nobody knows the totality of your goals in life. Not every piece of advice you're given will be right for you: and that's OK.

But my experience has been that it can be way too lonely to hide completely. And safe outlets for being our true selves can sometimes feel too rare.

Amalina,
I have little to add, but much to reitterate and support what my sisters have said before me.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 17, 2012, 04:25:48 AM
I live and I win.

Repeat this mantra on the hour every hour, and within a short period of time it will happen.

Quote from: Cindy James on January 17, 2012, 04:25:48 AM
There is nothing to be afraid of except fear itself.    You can only go forwards with strength.

You only think you know how people are going to accept you. This is a false reality, based on fear. Which in itself stands for False Evidence Appearing Real.

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 07:05:55 AM
my wife's best friend when told was incredibly supportive

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 07:05:55 AM
I truly believe that our mood determines what we see (and do). 

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 07:05:55 AM
Once I finally got my depression and anxiety under control things just started happening for me.  It isn't that I suddenly got new doors, it is instead that I was finally able to see them. Once you can accept yourself then you will start finding the doors

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 07:05:55 AM
It doesn't get easier to go back into denial.

In fact it gets harder

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 07:05:55 AM
DO NOT let your family/friends/community tell you that you are week to see a therapist or seek pharmaceutical help.  Just do it.

This is YOUR life. NOT theirs.

Amalina. You can do this

Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Cindy, all I can say is :icon_hug:

Jeneva, I am kind of on medicine. Have been mostly since I think June. I know how it can clear your head, I am pretty sure that was a major factor in me coming to terms with my gender identity issues. I had been thinking, rather fantasizing (non sexual, everyday situations), about it for a while leading up to the meds. It was like an escape from reality but I never thought it was more than that till my mind cleared and those thoughts stayed. I am not taking them as much as I'm supposed to lately, and I know it is partially wanting not to deal with the clarity they give. I know that is bad reasons but I would never claim to be bright when it comes to my own health.

Haven, I'm sorry to hear your parents are that hard on you, I hope therapy helps somehow for you soon. I also am using the net right now to cope, pretty much only the net between here and my blog. It's nice to have an outlet with people that care. :icon_hug:

Openheart, I can kind of relate on the hair part, I've always had long hair but I've also always had a goatee. I love it for my guy look, and if I was stay a guy that would definitely stay, which makes hair removal a point of no return for me that will have to wait a while. I don't want to stay one though so I'm working on easing the few I have around me into not being suspicious when I do the impossible and cut it at least for a short bit. Since high school I've claimed it would never happen, so I kinda set myself up for that one.

The church part sounds like a hard one, a lot or most of my friends and family are born again Christians. I know how they react to trans issues already from past experience so I know I will lose almost all of them. Which makes things very awkward around them now, knowing how fast they would reject if they knew the real me. It's sad really in a bunch of ways.

Catherine, I am pretty sure that the depression isn't clouding my judgement on a lot of what I can expect from people, I know them well enough and formed those judgments while still fully taking my meds. If I was to be completely honest right now on the topic of medication and depression and missing open doors, and of things getting harder by staying in denial. I'd have to admit that right now I'm at the point where I kind of want that push, I've never had the nerve to follow through with my attempts in the past, and I try not to think of it but really it seems like if I let all this pile up enough maybe it will help push me over the edge and then I wont have to deal with any of it. No family gets embarrassed, I don't have to deal with loss of friends and ridicule, people can remember me kindly instead of as a freak their ignorance will paint me as. It feels like a win/win situation.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not there yet, and I'm not dead set on that path. I'm not strong enough to make that step completely on purpose. So no, I am not currently a danger to myself in case anyone is worried by that last paragraph. Just being real about my thoughts.

Thank you, everyone, for listening to my rambling. :icon_hug:

Quote from: Amalina on January 17, 2012, 02:45:26 PM
The church part sounds like a hard one, a lot or most of my friends and family are born again Christians. I know how they react to trans issues already from past experience so I know I will lose almost all of them. Which makes things very awkward around them now, knowing how fast they would reject if they knew the real me. It's sad really in a bunch of ways.

If someone is that judgmental do you really want to hang around them anyway?  Of all of the family on my wife's side we lost for the hardcore baptist attitude, they were ALL people we avoided at family gatherings where everyone was present and didn't go to theirs at all.

I know that sounds harsh, but a bitter person doesn't make a good friend.

If it does ever come down to transition or die, please remember that anything you would lose if you transition you will lose if you kill yourself too.  In other worse you loose LESS if you transition and may even gain some measure of peace. 

And NEVER let "family honor (saving them from embarrassment)" sway how you act.  It is a cruel control method.  Embarrassment that some else feels over your actions is embarrassment THEY have chosen to accept.  Only that person themselves can allow themselves to be embarrassed.  You are not responsible for that.  When does it stop?  Once the current patriarch/matriarch dies their groomed heir takes over.  if you let that have power over you then it will control you until you die.

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 03:24:43 PM
If someone is that judgmental do you really want to hang around them anyway?  Of all of the family on my wife's side we lost for the hardcore baptist attitude, they were ALL people we avoided at family gatherings where everyone was present and didn't go to theirs at all.

I know that sounds harsh, but a bitter person doesn't make a good friend.

I know it probably doesn't make sense but I still care about them a lot even knowing how they would judge me. I hate the thought of losing them as friends though I know it will happen eventually. I would love to be proved wrong but I just don't see it in this case.

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 03:24:43 PM
If it does ever come down to transition or die, please remember that anything you would lose if you transition you will lose if you kill yourself too.  In other worse you loose LESS if you transition and may even gain some measure of peace. 

Well from my point of view it's either deal with all the stress and harassment and everything else on the path through transition and then MAYBE I'll be happy with myself and find some inner peace if it all goes well on the other end. Or end the suffering and pain and maybe be at peace that much sooner. Yeah I'll lose the chance of seeing how it would of turned out, and either way I would lose the friends and family, but it would make my life a lot easier overall. It's a very tempting option from my perspective.

Quote from: Jeneva on January 17, 2012, 03:24:43 PM
And NEVER let "family honor (saving them from embarrassment)" sway how you act.  It is a cruel control method.  Embarrassment that some else feels over your actions is embarrassment THEY have chosen to accept.  Only that person themselves can allow themselves to be embarrassed.  You are not responsible for that.  When does it stop?  Once the current patriarch/matriarch dies their groomed heir takes over.  if you let that have power over you then it will control you until you die.

Well I don't really consider it family honor. For me it's more of I'm already such a disappointment to them anyways, is it really fair to force them to deal with this as well, even if it's wrong and ignorant for them to think in such a way of course. If it will probably end badly for me why drag everyone else down with me, for the chance they may educate themselves? It's more likely they'd just pretend I never existed.

Everything is just so warped. I'm not even sure what I really want anymore with anything, I have no idea what to do and of course this is something I have to figure out on my own. I just don't know.

QuoteFor me it's more of I'm already such a disappointment to them anyways, is it really fair to force them to deal with this as well, even if it's wrong and ignorant for them to think in such a way of course. If it will probably end badly for me why drag everyone else down with me, for the chance they may educate themselves? It's more likely they'd just pretend I never existed.

If they pretend you never existed, they wouldn't be dealing with it. Even if they deal with it head on, you aren't forcing anything. Who you are is who you are, and your evolution can't be dependent on their approval. IMO if you already displease them then you might as well please yourself.

And btw it's okay to be depressing. Sometimes that's just how we roll. ;D

Thanks Felix. :icon_hug:

I'm sorry, I know I'm probably not making much sense.

I think I'm just trying to justify it to myself to not have to go through anything. It's not easy to bluntly admit it but what it would take emotionally for transitioning scares me a lot. It could be amazing and worth it, or it could be living hell. Maybe a mix of both.

My head is so messed up that it's even trying to dwell on orientation which is ridiculous for me since I'm not lonely in that way anyways at the moment. I have no reason to even care and it's something that should be able to wait a while to figure out but it's another thing my mind can throw on the pile of uncertainty. I've done my best to ignore it though because I'm really not ready for that inner debate.

Another random thought occurred to me tonight. My meds issue, if I can't get the refills and I go back on it regular anyways, they will both be gone in under 2 weeks. In 3 weeks I will be alone for an entire week hundreds of miles from anyone I know. Coincidence? heh my mind sucks sometimes.

QuoteMy head is so messed up that it's even trying to dwell on orientation which is ridiculous for me since I'm not lonely in that way anyways at the moment. I have no reason to even care and it's something that should be able to wait a while to figure out but it's another thing my mind can throw on the pile of uncertainty. I've done my best to ignore it though because I'm really not ready for that inner debate.

A lot of us don't come to terms with our orientation until after transition. Some people change their orientation, or realize that it's more fluid than they thought. I'm still figuring things out. I sleep with straight guys and bi guys, and no girls, and I don't know if any of that is true to what I really am.

Quote from: Felix on January 18, 2012, 01:44:25 AM
A lot of us don't come to terms with our orientation until after transition. Some people change their orientation, or realize that it's more fluid than they thought. I'm still figuring things out. I sleep with straight guys and bi guys, and no girls, and I don't know if any of that is true to what I really am.

That's what I figured would be the case, working through those things after transition. I've already thought on it too much as it is. This may be more info than anyone cares for but while it's on my mind going to see if I even have the words to explain it to myself. So feel free to ignore this post if you want.

I've never been with or been attracted to other men, or at least I never thought I was attracted to any. Thinking back there were a few times when I was younger that could of been called crushes instead of just liking as friend or fan, I think I mentioned them either here or on my blog before. Though I've always loved women, practically worshiped them, which always got me into trouble and hurt. I've always been easily manipulated by women. :( Also with some more thought on it even that might of not quite been right. Most guys think of women mostly in terms of sex, all my friends back in school were like that. I saw women much different, I think now maybe I was more idolizing who and what they were as women instead of male physical/sexual attraction. Still confusing the hell out of myself as usual, like I said I've thought too much on it all already.

My problem with this is now knowing more about myself and thinking of it post transition I can only think of myself with guys. I'm sure my reasoning will cause some face palms but, I've done my "job" as the guy, being the confident strong guy a lot of women say they want in one. Playing that role, and hating it always, but hey that's what was expected of me right? I'm just tired of it. Of course from what I've read I probably don't know how things like hormones and transition in general will affect me mentally but I still see myself as more of the feminine and passive, caring type woman. Able to be myself instead of putting on a show for everyone.

The hard part with that is I've been conditioned or whatever to see that in warped ways. I've always rejected the idea of looking down on other people as if they were weak and freaks, even with people around me being so ignorant, but I can't help applying those messed up feelings to myself. Allowing myself to give up the tough guy facade and relax into the passive stereotypical female role that I wish I could take on. It's a huge war of pride or something in my head. Which comes back to the fears of anyone I've known being around me later and the want to disappear. For whatever reason it just feels so wrong to me to want these things. Makes it hard to think of admitting it to others I know.

Which of course is why I try not to dwell on it. I'm hoping by that time, if I make it that far, that all of it would be a lot easier to accept assuming it's still what I want. Yeah I know I probably need therapy, hopefully eventually.

Amalina it's okay to be both soft and proud. You don't have to be thick-skinned and triumphant to be worthy and good.

Amalina,

I'm so proud of you.

I've deliberately stood back a bit to experience the wisdom that has surrounded your thread, both from yourself and the wonderful family here at Susan's. It has been very uplifting and inspiring.

The difference between your first post and the clarity from your most recent, pays testament to how well you are coping and growing. You indeed are a remarkable woman. You can successfully multi task, complex and conflicting thoughts and ideals. I'm not saying you have the answers, but your understanding of the issues and outcomes are well balanced.

In your most recent post, you eluded to your perception of women. How you have not perceived them in the normal masculine context of sexual beings, but more of how you relate to them. This is not unusual.

I have been a woman for as long as I can remember. Although I present as male, I've always admired women for their many attributes. It may be their attitude, character, opinion, outlook, fashion style, hair style, make up, body proportion, etc, etc; but never in a sexual sense. Hence some of the relationship problems in my marriage. Men on the other hand, I've always had a healthy distrust of. Only because of the abuse I suffered at their hands at an early age to my mid 20's. Yet every cloud has a silver lining. The one thing that was common to all the abuse was the fact I was able to satisfy men. In every event, they were all happy, although I wasn't. (Far from it) Yet, now with this knowledge, once I fully transition, can use it it empower relationships with men, in a healthier context. Even now, pre-op, I look at men in a completely different light, in what I perceive a woman should look at them in.

FairyGirl, in some of her recent posts has eluded to the profound, non transferable diametric change in your perceptions and understanding, once the transition is complete. Remembering that each person's journey is intensely personal and individual.

There appears to be a recurring aspects in all your posts. In some ways you remind me of a juggler, keeping many processes going similutaneously, in balance and harmony. That in itself is not bad, nor a criticism. It's more an indication of our eternal nature to continually strive. Even the juggler needs to stop occasionally to access his/her development/skills/programme.

Maybe sometime during your journey, you need to stop and take account of where you are at, and want to be. Maybe there is a time for you to get away to that desert island.  Away from every one and thing.   Knowing full well the ship will return in 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 months, whatever. .............  And during this time,      just give yourself permission ....... to be ........  who you are. ...... The woman you are destined to be.  To me, this is when clarity and purpose, reveal themselves; more so, than at any other time.   We all need to book time on that island. And I don't mean the TG community only. It applies to everyone.

Keep up the amazing job you are doing at the moment. You can do this. You will do this. It's not so much a question of;  if; it's a question of ; when. And that is in your time and your control.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Catherine, thanks.

At least someone sees some shred of good in all of this. I have a hard time finding it though. If you think this is multi tasking ideas and such you really should read my blog. I'm not sure if we can post links like that though, I almost put it in my sig but I think it's on my profile. I've treated it as somewhat of a diary with mostly me working through stuff and sometimes reblogging random things.

One thing though I want to clarify, it's not that I never view women in a sexual way, just that's not my end goal for getting to know them like a lot of guys. I have to be really with someone to want that with them. Which is one of the oddities to me about it, from my experience with friends that is one stereotype about guys that is rather normal in our society.

The juggling act you mention is something I do vaguely notice about myself sometimes, especially when I try to talk things out on the net like this. It's one of the reasons I feel I may not come across right a lot of times because I feel like I might run off on tangents and sometimes end on a different topic than I started with and not even realize it till well after rereading it. I just seem so disjointed and at this point I wouldn't be surprised if I contradicted myself sometimes due to the confusion. I barely seem to know what I really want half the time.

I really wish I could get away to some island or anywhere really, in my situation that's not possible though. Between my agoraphobia and my gf/ex/? working from home. The only thing close to "alone" time I have is in the middle of the night when she's asleep and by that time I'm usually pretty out of it and unstable emotionally, always have been at night. Not to mention the stress of her constantly since we moved pushing me to get out more going with her to the store and stuff. It's really getting to me but no matter what I say she is usually oblivious to it. She tends to ignore things she doesn't like to deal with. I really think my time with her is running out.

Thanks for the reply. And Felix and Beverley also. :icon_hug:

You are allowed to link your blog in your signature, btw.

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QuoteThe only thing close to "alone" time I have is in the middle of the night when she's asleep and by that time I'm usually pretty out of it

I've been doing a lot of this lately. It's soulkilling not to have time to oneself.

Quote from: Felix on January 20, 2012, 12:10:27 AM
You are allowed to link your blog in your signature, btw.

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I've been doing a lot of this lately. It's soulkilling not to have time to oneself.

Thanks, I wasn't sure and hadn't read those since I first joined.

Yeah it gets pretty bad, especially now, having to hide this browser anytime she walks near me. It's bad enough I feel like an emo teen due to everything going on, I really don't need that to top it off you know?

I didn't make it to that thing today I had mentioned, hoping for monday. Got a really bad headache last night that lasted till this morning and then something happened on FB that messed me up pretty bad the rest of the day. Still feeling so hurt by it. Just more confirmation of what to expect from my christian friends once they find out about me. :(

I really don't think seeking our trans groups would be of any great help.  Wel they would, but just now that im telling more of my friends makes it easier to deal with, and have had some talks with my parents to try and calm them down.  Also I just shaved my legs for first time in a year and it feels awesomeee

Well small steps can help also. I've found support groups to be really helpful, it's nice to know others like me are nearby.

TBH I know this is probably gonna get me yelled at but I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable hanging out in trans groups.  While it's true they are just like me, in some ways they aren't  I know its just a matter of why we transition and etc.. but the few I've met scared the hell out of me.  One I met, i was just trying to ask for information you know about the whole thing and they started hitting one me and making it awkward then when we hung out i feel like i almost got raped.  Idk, I know probably none of you guys are like this but its rather scarring when you're trying to figure yourself out.  I guess some of it probably is I haven't fully accepted myself or some other psychological babble but nonetheless it frightened me.

  Sorry if this comes off as a hateful rant against my own kind this wasn't my intent.  It's just I've had some bad experiences when trying to get help and freaked the hell out of me.

I used to hide too, but being the girl that I am It was difficult to hide to say the least.
My face, my body, my hair, all were so feminine...
When I came out I was being yelled at, and I was yelling back, sobbing like crazy, and I just sort of blurted it out and left home.
Well actually I was kicked out of home... the guy that was yelling at me almost slapped me in the face which I would have hurt him severely if done.
It was an... unfortunate experience and not the best way to come out... heh, and it all started with my kitten.

Amalina

Consider yourself the"real deal"

Quote from: Amalina on January 18, 2012, 03:01:25 AM
My problem with this is now knowing more about myself and thinking of it post transition I can only think of myself with guys. I'm sure my reasoning will cause some face palms

That statement proves you are the "real deal."   Once the operation is over, there is an "enlightenment" that you experience, that is not transferable, that most people, pre - op, don't, and will not understand, until THAT moment.

If you get "face palms," ignore them. They simply don't understand. I am very much in that place. Within the next 5 years, I will be married to the man of my dreams.

And if your Christians friends challenge you; look them dead in the eye and ask them for Chapter AND verse, that states you are wrong. If they find one; they are liars and do not understand the Bible. They probably haven't even read it. Frank Houston, former head and founder of Christian City Church "Hill Song" did a survey once that found 93% of Christains didn't read the Bible. Surprised? Not really. Not with the bigotry they display. My coming to terms with my TG self, I've been asked to leave 2 churches over recent times; as apparently I don't comply to "Christian ethics."  I am yet to receive a satisfactory explanation on this point. So far I have only received unadulterated rubbish from so called "learnard" men. The final joke is, they still accept my tithes.

Continue to grow in strength and confidence. Be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Haven, I agree with Beverley, I wouldn't call that hateful at all. I'm sure anyone would feel awkward and/or scared with that kind of experience. I know I would! :icon_hug:

Zylphia, I'm sorry it sounds like your coming out was pretty messed up. One of the things I worry about is a small part of my family getting violent. Pretty sure they will need to find out from a distance. At least though it sounds like you got one of the harder parts over with already. Anticipation and not knowing for sure can really suck. :icon_hug:

Catherine, on the first part, the guy thing just is really hard for me to come to terms with right now. If I was at least partially into my physical transition I think it might help but I'm so far from starting right now. I seriously don't even ever appear like I'm trying so I feel like a guy with those feelings which personally feels so awkward.

On the friends thing, a lot of them are very into reading their bible, that's why I chose them as friends. One thing I have always hated were the type that blindly believe their pastors and spout sermon talking points without knowing the scripture to back it up, they just don't understand what being transgendered means. To them it's guys in dresses and falls under being gay, one of the biggest stumbling blocks for christians on understanding these things is they attribute all of it to sex and lusts. I would be surprised if any of them even realized that FTM is part of it. So yeah they'll have scripture but their ignorance will be trying to apply wrong passages and while normally I'd love a good debate I don't know if I can handle that one with them because of the emotional aspect that I'd really just be fighting to keep my friends and the chances of them learning and staying are slim.

There is actually a blog post floating around my head on this topic that I might have to throw at them at some point, which btw I put a link, to my blog, too in my sig finally. It will have some random humor spam reblogs but a large part of it should be my journal entries of sorts. If anyone is interested, fair warning though, most of it is about as cheery as my posts in this thread. So not really at all. It just gives a little more insight into my thought process on all this.

Thank you. :icon_hug:

Yeah my coming out was pretty strange. Oh and my family gets violent for other reasons, myself included.
I punch out my 30 year old cousin for waking me up at 4:00 AM and yelling at people in my house.

Quote from: Zylphia on January 20, 2012, 03:10:16 PM
Yeah my coming out was pretty strange. Oh and my family gets violent for other reasons, myself included.
I punch out my 30 year old cousin for waking me up at 4:00 AM and yelling at people in my house.

Your family sounds like that one in the police academy movies but less funny. Mine isn't usually violent at each other but towards others, and something like this will probably set off a couple of them. :(

Right now I'm still a decent size guy, like most of my family, so if needed I could probably take care of myself but I've never had to because of my size, have always been able to avoid fights. Once I start transition and losing weight and size, yeah I think I'll just call them when the time comes or better yet send a letter. Really hoping to avoid that situation.

I like that I came out as young as I did, that way the image isn't set in their head.
They get no expectations, I came out to my mom as gay when she started talking about grand children.
I don't think my mother has any problem with my decision, my aunt though... she has a problem.
I can't even keep a conversation with her anymore... she bothers me.

I definitely envy your youth on all this. I'm only in my early 30's but I really wish it hadn't taken so long for me to realize the obvious. I was too wrapped up in trying to live up to expectations and all. Now it will probably be a shock to so many.

Also you already look amazing, I can see you getting even more gorgeous later. I'm a bit ragged you could say, I'm still trying to figure all that out for my transition, nothing but uphill for me here. /shrug

:icon_hug:

Yay! I get called a girl a lot. Which makes me blush which is a good thing.

I was thinking about that the other day, it's going to be weird at first because my mind is still used to that being an insult. Even though I would love to be able to pass. Like I said I'm not the fighting type, but not sure that for the first bit of trying to pass, that when someone refers to me proper that I might not try socking them lol hope not. Would be kinda counter productive eh?

Side note to the earlier discussion on christians. I wrote up a really long "open letter" with my thoughts. I'm thinking of posting it on my blog but I'm worried it might be taken wrong somehow by friends not the christian friends, doubt they'd see it, but those I've made here or on tumblr. Not that I think many will read it but still. I can be a bit blunt, and lately spaced out, with my rants.

Will probably post it before bed tonight and deal with the fallout in the morning if anyone sees it. Wish I wasn't so insecure sometimes.

I'm only insecure about my voice really, everything else seems okay.