Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Ashazti on March 11, 2012, 03:33:24 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Hello
Post by: Ashazti on March 11, 2012, 03:33:24 AM
Post by: Ashazti on March 11, 2012, 03:33:24 AM
I guess, it's time for my intro. :)) You all can call me Ash or Asha.
I have spent most of my life feeling like there was something different inside of me, like I wasn't who I was supposed to be, wasn't leading the life I was meant to; I always just had this empty 'void' feeling inside... almost like there were pieces of my life's puzzle missing. When I was young, I felt like a girl inside.. would make friends with the other girls (still find it very easy to make female friends to this day) and wanted to do the things they did. However, I grew up with two brothers and a family of mostly males save my mother and grandmother. Most of the kids in my area I lived in were boys too... and I was the type to always try and fit in. So I would act like the boys, act tough and so forth... but always wanting to do other things. I remember this one time when I saw a picture of myself in a dress and asked my mom about it... she laughed and said that that was her when she was young. I was shocked, couldn't believe that we had almost looked identical. I guess from that point, I had developed a curiosity in women's clothes and tried my mother's things on when no one was around... granted they were too big. lol
I kept telling myself inside that I felt like a girl... but the people around me, my parents, society... I don't know where I got the idea... but I was always getting exposed to the notion that boys who felt like girls... were just gay guys who wanted to legitimize their sexuality, or cross dressers / drag queens. I like girls personally and even went so far as to try and be with boys; I experimented... but, nope, it didn't feel right. I knew I liked girls.. so in my confusion I would always talk myself out of believing that I could be a girl inside. This went on for most of my younger life... yet I would always dream of a different life, one in which I was female... and I would always long to do other things that may have appeared feminine to some... I forced myself to act different and be 'normal'. I guess after so many years it just got easy... but my mind was always tortured. I started to believe the emptiness inside could be filled in other ways... hobbies, jobs, school, sex, spirituality.. so forth. Eventually, I met a girl... and we fell hard in love and I got married (also thinking that maybe being married and having a family.. a 'normal life' would be the key).
For 7 years our love kept me distracted... the emptiness was still there, the dreams persisted, but I was happy and didn't care. As time went on... our marriage started to fall apart... not because of my gender issue, rather unrelated things between us. However, I always felt uncomfortable with who I was and life was awkward for me (in a male body). When things started falling apart, I stopped pretending and started to just be myself, I got sick of being different, being something I wasn't... even though I had kind of forgotten what it was exactly. I couldn't associate my dreams and my feminine ways with the emptiness or the fact that I was a woman inside. When my wife and I drifted apart, we both retreated into online gaming because, we didn't want to spend time with one another. It wasn't until 3 yrs ago when I started playing one game in particular, a social game where I made my avatar female. (I always had female characters in any game I played, without really paying attention to why that was.) This social game was like living another life for me... and it felt good, felt comfortable to me. I guess it wasn't until people were getting on me to voice chat with them, that I started to look into voice alteration software and found a particular Transgender online who was showing people how to feminize their voice. I discovered that she was a male to female, and liked women. It was like a wake up call slap in the face... everything I had trained my brain to believe was wrong? I began researching, watching tons of videos and basically learned what I could... found out there were females who wanted to be males, both gay and straight or even people who felt like neither or both... it was a real eye opener for me. This game had popped the pieces of the puzzle into place... but it was a game, only an illusion. Reality was where I needed to be now.
From that moment on, I began reexamining my life... and finally accepted the fact that I was female on the inside and I was done being Mr Pretend Male... well that didn't go over well at home. I constantly got told to stop acting like I was, stop standing a certain way, stop gesturing this way or that... basically I was constantly being told I looked gay... which didn't bother me... other than it was annoying and I wished I could just be left alone to be myself. This didn't help my marriage and pretty much ended up being the nail in the coffin. So, now, here I am... separated and living alone, free to explore the female inside and faced with a very daunting path before me. I know I feel uncomfortable with who I am, and the body I inhabit... transition is the path I'm destined for I think, if I truly wish to find happiness. I stand upon the threshold of a new life... scared, confused and wondering sometimes if I'm too old to be doing this now...
I am Ashazti and I am a woman. :))
I have spent most of my life feeling like there was something different inside of me, like I wasn't who I was supposed to be, wasn't leading the life I was meant to; I always just had this empty 'void' feeling inside... almost like there were pieces of my life's puzzle missing. When I was young, I felt like a girl inside.. would make friends with the other girls (still find it very easy to make female friends to this day) and wanted to do the things they did. However, I grew up with two brothers and a family of mostly males save my mother and grandmother. Most of the kids in my area I lived in were boys too... and I was the type to always try and fit in. So I would act like the boys, act tough and so forth... but always wanting to do other things. I remember this one time when I saw a picture of myself in a dress and asked my mom about it... she laughed and said that that was her when she was young. I was shocked, couldn't believe that we had almost looked identical. I guess from that point, I had developed a curiosity in women's clothes and tried my mother's things on when no one was around... granted they were too big. lol
I kept telling myself inside that I felt like a girl... but the people around me, my parents, society... I don't know where I got the idea... but I was always getting exposed to the notion that boys who felt like girls... were just gay guys who wanted to legitimize their sexuality, or cross dressers / drag queens. I like girls personally and even went so far as to try and be with boys; I experimented... but, nope, it didn't feel right. I knew I liked girls.. so in my confusion I would always talk myself out of believing that I could be a girl inside. This went on for most of my younger life... yet I would always dream of a different life, one in which I was female... and I would always long to do other things that may have appeared feminine to some... I forced myself to act different and be 'normal'. I guess after so many years it just got easy... but my mind was always tortured. I started to believe the emptiness inside could be filled in other ways... hobbies, jobs, school, sex, spirituality.. so forth. Eventually, I met a girl... and we fell hard in love and I got married (also thinking that maybe being married and having a family.. a 'normal life' would be the key).
For 7 years our love kept me distracted... the emptiness was still there, the dreams persisted, but I was happy and didn't care. As time went on... our marriage started to fall apart... not because of my gender issue, rather unrelated things between us. However, I always felt uncomfortable with who I was and life was awkward for me (in a male body). When things started falling apart, I stopped pretending and started to just be myself, I got sick of being different, being something I wasn't... even though I had kind of forgotten what it was exactly. I couldn't associate my dreams and my feminine ways with the emptiness or the fact that I was a woman inside. When my wife and I drifted apart, we both retreated into online gaming because, we didn't want to spend time with one another. It wasn't until 3 yrs ago when I started playing one game in particular, a social game where I made my avatar female. (I always had female characters in any game I played, without really paying attention to why that was.) This social game was like living another life for me... and it felt good, felt comfortable to me. I guess it wasn't until people were getting on me to voice chat with them, that I started to look into voice alteration software and found a particular Transgender online who was showing people how to feminize their voice. I discovered that she was a male to female, and liked women. It was like a wake up call slap in the face... everything I had trained my brain to believe was wrong? I began researching, watching tons of videos and basically learned what I could... found out there were females who wanted to be males, both gay and straight or even people who felt like neither or both... it was a real eye opener for me. This game had popped the pieces of the puzzle into place... but it was a game, only an illusion. Reality was where I needed to be now.
From that moment on, I began reexamining my life... and finally accepted the fact that I was female on the inside and I was done being Mr Pretend Male... well that didn't go over well at home. I constantly got told to stop acting like I was, stop standing a certain way, stop gesturing this way or that... basically I was constantly being told I looked gay... which didn't bother me... other than it was annoying and I wished I could just be left alone to be myself. This didn't help my marriage and pretty much ended up being the nail in the coffin. So, now, here I am... separated and living alone, free to explore the female inside and faced with a very daunting path before me. I know I feel uncomfortable with who I am, and the body I inhabit... transition is the path I'm destined for I think, if I truly wish to find happiness. I stand upon the threshold of a new life... scared, confused and wondering sometimes if I'm too old to be doing this now...
I am Ashazti and I am a woman. :))
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: V M on March 11, 2012, 03:45:40 AM
Post by: V M on March 11, 2012, 03:45:40 AM
Hi Ash :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :)
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :)
Please be sure to review
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Catherine Sarah on March 11, 2012, 04:16:32 AM
Post by: Catherine Sarah on March 11, 2012, 04:16:32 AM
Hi Ashazti,
A very warm welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing, in detail, part of your life story. You'll find that what you have been through, is not too disimilar to what many others here have experienced. So you are definately among friends here.
I'm excited for you, as you now stand on the threshold of an amazing journey, that is going to take you places, you never though possible.
You'll find many a friendship here to help you along your way. It is also very helpful for your assimilation into your new world, to being involved with like minded people in real life. It may be profitable for you to contact a local gender clinic which can best advise what is available to you in your area.
The good thing about being a member of Susan's family, is that there is always someone here 24/7 who can answer your questions as you journey forward. So, you've broken the ice, it's now up to you to join in and be part of the family. Hope to hear from you in time to come. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
A very warm welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing, in detail, part of your life story. You'll find that what you have been through, is not too disimilar to what many others here have experienced. So you are definately among friends here.
I'm excited for you, as you now stand on the threshold of an amazing journey, that is going to take you places, you never though possible.
You'll find many a friendship here to help you along your way. It is also very helpful for your assimilation into your new world, to being involved with like minded people in real life. It may be profitable for you to contact a local gender clinic which can best advise what is available to you in your area.
The good thing about being a member of Susan's family, is that there is always someone here 24/7 who can answer your questions as you journey forward. So, you've broken the ice, it's now up to you to join in and be part of the family. Hope to hear from you in time to come. In the meantime, be safe, well and happy
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: Devlyn on March 11, 2012, 06:40:45 AM
Post by: Devlyn on March 11, 2012, 06:40:45 AM
Hi Ash, it's nice to meet you! Thanks for sharing with us. You're not alone anymore, you're with us. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: Hello
Post by: justmeinoz on March 11, 2012, 06:43:47 AM
Post by: justmeinoz on March 11, 2012, 06:43:47 AM
Hi and welcome from another of the Aussie girls here.
Your story sounds pretty typical of those who worked out what was going on later in life. 56 y/o in my case.
I was constantly being teased or bullied as being gay, pity they didn't specify Lesbian :laugh:.
I have made a number of friends in the local gay and lesbian community, and am accepted as just another variety of dyke. It's nice to be regarded as just one of the girls.
Hope to see more of your posts.
Karen.
Your story sounds pretty typical of those who worked out what was going on later in life. 56 y/o in my case.
I was constantly being teased or bullied as being gay, pity they didn't specify Lesbian :laugh:.
I have made a number of friends in the local gay and lesbian community, and am accepted as just another variety of dyke. It's nice to be regarded as just one of the girls.
Hope to see more of your posts.
Karen.