Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I'm the youngest of three with two older brothers. We were all really adventurous and crazy growing up, but while my brother were always doing flips on the trampoline and off  the diving board and going on roller coasters as kids while I was always scared to ever try a flip (still haven't done one) and once had a screaming/crying/ridiculous fit when my mom tried tried to get me to go on the runaway train at disney as a kid (now I love coasters ever since I said ->-bleeped-<- it and went on The Hulk in Florida - it was amazing and I regretted my lifetime coaster phobia). So basically because my brothers were badass and I was a pansy I can't be trans*. Can any other guys relate to not really being able to keep up with their brothers? I certainly remember breaking bones trying, so I think my mom is using her selective memory. Thanks guys.

I can't use my biological brother as an example but I can use my "brothers" that I were with in our JROTC program in highschool (inspired by Conformer).  They were the guys who were gung-ho about the various physical activites and what not and I tried my best to keep up but I just could not. The only thing I was somewhat good at was doing repelling off towers and most of the guys got up there and walked the log and came back down within 5 minutes while it took me about 10 minutes just to climb up there.  I felt like I had to overcompensate to at least match my brothers so I did a spiderman flip.  One time I measured the leap distance wrong combined with my stamina being drained and wind up falling and knocking my head on the log (thank god for helmets!).  I was kind of scared and everyone else was scared too but I couldn't show that on my face so I was just like....wtf REDO.  I had bruises for a good month.

Turns out my slippage actually frieghtned at least one of the bio guys there as they refused to climb it or had to come down immediately.  I felt like was more of a man than they were on that day.

Other than that I really couldn't keep up with them physically at least.  Some of the stuff they did I can never do because I just didn't have the fitness and I was scared but hey it didn't make me any less of a man.  I think your mom does has selective memory.  As for her I would tell here that there ARE biological men out there who aren't that daring and by some may be considered a "pansy" and I pointed out a perfect example of that above.

Thanks for the quick reply Malachite, but you seem more badass than me too, lol. JROTC was cancelled at my school either right before my freshman year or after. I wonder if I would have done it, or should have tried.

Also, I wanted to add on to my question with another example. My brothers and I used to go to this cool indoor skate park as kids. We rollerbladed and my brothers got good blades you could grind with and the best I ever got was speed skates and the rents wouldn't let me upgrade. I still went to the parks and tried my best on ramps with my skates though. But it took me a hell of a lot longer to use the ramps, and when I finally did I'd only go back and forth, no attempts at getting air were made. I think that's why my parents wouldn't buy me the special skates. I was afraid of breaking my tailbone and just assumed I couldn't do it so I never tried. Yea, anybody relate?

I don't have brothers to compare myself to, but I can compare (right or wrong) with my male friends growing up.  I was always more cautious and reserved.  I took way more physical risks back then than I do now though.

I was afraid of dogs, afraid of fast roller coasters, disliked getting dirty/sweaty, didn't like camping or outdoors activities, wasn't into sports.  I wasn't a very "manly" or "masculine" child.  But I was still teased for not being "lady-like".  Go figure.

Try not to let your mom's opinion of your past get in the way of who you really are today.  It sounds like she's grasping at anything she can to hold onto who you used to be (in her mind).  There are plenty of guys who have similar childhood experiences. 

My mom also made these attempts. It passed& I'm certain your mom will eventually stop this.

I haven't lived at home for a few years so I just went along w/my medical transition despite any weirdness she filled my inbox& voicemail with.

Now that my voice has changed much from pre-t, whenever she speaks/text messages me she doesn't "come at me" from the you're a grl because x, y& z in childhood angle.
She doesn't ask about my transition, acts as if I've always had this voice, as if nothing happened. It bothers me that she isn't excited about my progress but it beats hearing the comments you mention in your post.

You know who you are and who you aren't, that's essentially all that matters at the end of the day, that will determine how you end up living your life.

My brother and I are basically the same person. :P Mum has been saying it for years, but now everyone is noticing it and commenting on it. We didn't grow up together though, so I never really had to compete with him in that way. Still, I get mad at people who take the 'You can't be trans because you're *blah*' line of though; it pisses me off so much!

'Oh really? Then you can't be a woman if you like cars!' That's how it always comes across in my mind; like a petulant and unfounded argument.

My mom cant really put exuses like this on me, since I been pretty boyish as a child.

My brother where still more wild untill he hit the teen and found out about videogames, and I have always been the more creative one. But it still dosent change the fact I played my brothers games, saw his movies, and got dirty in soccer match, I where surounded by guys in my first school years so it where simple.

one thing who keep annoying me thou, is my brother always seam to be 1 step closer than me, so when people had compared us he had always been the badass one with money and chicks while I just been me,
now he settle down to a more normal status but even with nothing he still got his bio body you know..-_-

I dont have any older brothers, I wish I did tho! My best friend who I saw quite often had an older brother. I think he was 5 years older, and I thought he was more fun than my best friend sometimes especially when we were younger! My parents are comparing me to one of my sisters who doesnt like wearing dresses or make up and girly things (however at the same time she isnt a tomboy). They think that Im no different and if she can be a girl than so can I..

My mum is always comparing to me to my younger brother. She tells me I can't be trans because I don't like sports or playing video games (even though I do) and I liked stuffed animals when I was kid. When I was younger me and my brother always hung out and did pretty much the same stuff, but he was definitely more of a risk-taker. I can remember when I was a kid that I used to steal my brothers clothes (I still sometimes do) and he didn't even care. I keep telling my mum to treat me like she treats my brother, but she always tells me he's a boy and I'm not.

It amazes me how stereotypical your parents can get when there desperate.
I don't have brothers but I had a lot of guy friends as a kid. I have always been shy and cautious
So much so I didn't even learn the rollerblade because I was too worried about falling over lol.
One of my mates was exactly the same, he was really quiet and didn't really like doing anything risky.
Some guys are just like that.

Oh and I also had a mate who I grew up with who loved stuffed animals. Our family's used to go abroad together and we'd take a stuffed toy each (normally dogs). So I suppose if my mum was like that she could say I can't be FTM for that but then she'd also have to say those guys aren't real boys either.
I don't think she ever would though because I was so boyish as a kid, I loved play fighting, toy cars, football, toy guns...all that stuff.

Makes me miss being a kid lol

Hey guys thanks so much for all the responses. It helps reassure me, because I struggle so much with who I am especially since I have some stereotypically feminine interests. My mom should be able to understand that femme guys, even femme straight guys, exist. Even thought there is nothing femme about the way I dress lol. My parents are desperately clinging to their "princess." *sigh*

I am a flat-out pansy:  I scream whenever I see a spider (and do that ridiculous dance), am easy to scare, about piss my pants whenever the power goes out, refuse to climb anything too high, don't take all that many physical risks, scream at horror movies, etc.  I am very far from being a manly man, which is one reason why I don't tell my mom I'm trans and would like to transition at least part way towards male;  she won't believe me because I exhibit very few "manly man" behaviors.  However, the majority of my male friends seemed to be a lot like me which I didn't mind.  Granted this could have been because I am physically a girl and they didn't want to do too much around me for fear of hurting my feelings -- like I'd care...I might have joined if I felt like it.

Anyway, sometimes parents just don't want to see it or don't want to admit that they believe their kid because they don't want their kid to start transitioning for fear that their kid could be picked on or beat up.  It could be one thought that your parents are having.

Quote from: Lynn Gabriel on March 27, 2012, 07:54:35 PM
I am a flat-out pansy:  I scream whenever I see a spider (and do that ridiculous dance),

Me too.  I scream when I see one of those hoping crickets that look like spiders.  I have to call my mom in even when shes sleep to kill it it and I just go into shock so bad that I use her perscription sleeping pills at times but this shock can last for weeks.  I'd rather have snakes in my room than spiders.

I can totally relate to this.Although I think I was manlier then my brother.But my mom keeps telling me that I'm too girly and sensitive.Also every time I can't open some jar or lift something she tells me that I can't be a boy.But I like sport,though I was horrible in basketball my whole life,I also love cars even more then some boys do.I love video games,I want to be a bodybuilder one day though I'm not that strong.I consider my self manly and often remind my self of all the manly stuff I do.It helps my self-confidence.

My mom's never tried that with me.  Probably because I don't have any brothers, so I've got nothing to be compared it to.  I did play with all the boys in the neighborhood when I was younger and I would jump in there and be rough with them.  When I got a little older I was the more cautious one of my friends, though.  I was looking through old photos yesterday and there were a good few of me with dolls.  I try not to read into it, though.  Part of a child's "gender expression" isn't even that at all-- it's just social construct and what the child was given and told to play with.  I can't remember ever being that into dolls, but that's what I was given to play with, so I definitely played with them.

Quote from: Tom on March 27, 2012, 12:05:36 PM
It amazes me how stereotypical your parents can get when there desperate.
I don't have brothers but I had a lot of guy friends as a kid. I have always been shy and cautious
So much so I didn't even learn the rollerblade because I was too worried about falling over lol.
One of my mates was exactly the same, he was really quiet and didn't really like doing anything risky.
Some guys are just like that.

Oh and I also had a mate who I grew up with who loved stuffed animals. Our family's used to go abroad together and we'd take a stuffed toy each (normally dogs). So I suppose if my mum was like that she could say I can't be FTM for that but then she'd also have to say those guys aren't real boys either.
I don't think she ever would though because I was so boyish as a kid, I loved play fighting, toy cars, football, toy guns...all that stuff.

Makes me miss being a kid lol

its funny because In Japan it was kind of opposite,
the guys tend to be more shy, and sillence while the girls usunally where more outgoing.

Plenty of kids, regardless of their gender, tend to like stuffed animals. I'd call them neutral toys really.

And I know a lot of cis dudes that aren't outgoing. By your mom's logic, they're not guys either. As a kid, I was afraid of taking risks and trying new things. I'm still a bit iffy on them, but I've become a bit more outgoing as I've gotten older. It's not a matter of gender, I think, but rather your environment and personality. Some people aren't athletic, jump-off-every-bridge types, while others are. Hell, I'm in a huge weight training class at my school, and the girls in it are more adventurous and keen on taking risks than the guys are. I've not seen any of the dudes try to climb up the side of the building to get to the roof just for the hell of it or attempt to deadlift over 500 pounds. :p They like their comfort zones, and that's totally fine.

Your mom's just being weird. I suppose a lot of parents will try to pull the "you can't be a guy/girl because of *ridiculous childhood crap*!" card if they're in denial. Thing is, just let it roll of you. Roll your eyes and just be all "You're so weird mom." every time she tries to dig at you. Trust me, it'll get old for her quickly.

Quote from: Zerro on March 28, 2012, 08:09:06 AM
Plenty of kids, regardless of their gender, tend to like stuffed animals. I'd call them neutral toys really.

^ This. I've seen plenty of little boys with stuffed animals. Never really thought of that as a "girl" toy.

I remember reading a poll on a travel forum where they asked adult business travelers if they took a teddy bear or other stuffed animal on their trips to remind them of home. The result was something like 40% of grown men did travel with some kind of stuffed animal.

And for the guy whose parents give him crap for not being able to open jars - If you're going to go on T at some point, that won't ever be a problem again. I've actually stood in my kitchen laughing out loud like a crazy person because now it's so absurdly easy to open stuff that I've struggled with my whole life.

Parents definitely get weird about stuff like this, though. My mom tried to argue with me too even though I'd been asking for toy trucks and playing in the mud with the neighborhood boys since I was about 4 years old.

Quote from: KyleXX on March 27, 2012, 12:09:32 AM
Can any other guys relate to not really being able to keep up with their brothers? I certainly remember breaking bones trying, so I think my mom is using her selective memory. Thanks guys.

I didn't really have any brothers until I was twelve, and even then, they were step-brothers and the youngest was five years older than me.  My full sister and eldest half-sister were tomboyish, though my youngest sister kind of lost interest in that after the neighbourhood gained another girl she could play with, and I was pretty much the bookworm.  There were neighbourhood boys, but I had no interest in playing sports with them --but come the first major snowfall of winter, they'd all be asking my advice on building snowasaurs (snow dinosaurs).

Sorry for sticking my nose in here, guys, but it seems to me a lot of parents still hold to the antequated notion that little boys are made of frogs and snails and puppy dog tails etc. And that perhaps comes from how they were treated by their parents.

There are a myriad of reasons why children aren't some energetic bundle of reckless abandon and scraped appendages, nothing to do with gender identity at all. Some may simply prefer intellectual pursuits, whilst others may have confidence issues stemming from bad experiences (which can imprint very strongly on the young and last a lifetime), and then others may just not find that sort of thing to their tastes.

It's not what you do or don't do at some early stage of development which defines who you are, it's the way you feel inside, within your own skin. And if that isn't right then it just isn't.

And when all's said and done, humanity still needs those with a cooler, more tempered, and quieter approach to life in order to clean up the mess of those 'adventurous' souls who take their leaps of faith just one step too far. Being a thrill-seeker isn't the defining aspect of being a man. It's nothing more than getting turned on by doses of epinephrine. And being an adrenaline junkie is a personality trait, not a marker of gender identity. Some people have it, some don't, both male and female.

did your mom miss the memo? that not every male is masculine and macho and that not every female is feminine and delicate at all times? it's not a one extreme or the other deal. i have a feeling she knows that, but she's just playing the denial game for now.

Quote from: KyleXX on March 27, 2012, 12:09:32 AMso I think my mom is using her selective memory.

You may find that parents, in regards to "evidence" of ones transness, tend to do that a lot. Actually, you may find that anyone desperately trying to deny some truth that they find personally distasteful (to put it mildly) will do that a lot.

And btw, like some people on here have already basically said, just 'cause you're a boy doesn't mean you had to be all high energy and mischievous. PLENTY of boys, cis or trans, were/are geeky little candy-asses. Not saying that was you, because obviously it wasn't by what you're saying, but just sayin'.

Well, I don't have any biological brothers (*Cough* Legally speaking, I have a half brother...but to me, he doesn't count) But anyway, I don't know what it would have been like to grow up with brothers, but I can say that my father was my primary parent in my life and that when I was growing up, his opinion was all that ever mattered to me - Since he was my role-model and main male figure in my life. Now that I'm older and now that I've come out as being trans, there was a point where he compared me to how he was at my age, "Well, I didn't wear girl pants," and "I knew how to throw a baseball correctly when I was seven," and so on and so forth, so...in a way, it was like dealing with a father and a brother all in one. At the beginning, he kept giving me reasons to justify 'why' I wasn't trans. So I guess, maybe I can relate to you in that way. Either way, he sort of got out of that and it's made it easier.

It sounds like your mother is still adjusting.

Curious. Were you the only female born child she's had? It may be that she's scared that she's 'losing' her baby girl and doesn't realize that you've always been a man inside. You could try pointing out more feminine bio-men to her to help her realize that men come with all kinds of personalities. I don't know what your sexuality is, but if you do that, I would try to avoid feminine gay men, as she'd likely do what my mother does and say, "Well, they're gay, so they're supposed to be girly," And as most of the trans community knows (And others don't) sexuality and gender identity aren't the same.

Either way, good luck, man!