Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I feel like I would be a bad person to take my parents only son, as well as to take my sisters' only brother away from them. I know it would hurt them terribly because I know how much they love that son and brother.

You're not a kidnapper are you? Why do you feel the need to go snatching other people's family members away from them?

.......



But seriously. Ask yourself this: "Does my family want a sad, depressive and potentially dead-by-suicide son/brother OR a happy, successful and full-of-life daughter/sister?"

Then you will have your answer.

you can't take away something that was never there.  /hugs. it's ok sweety

It might make them feel bad, but at the same time I'm sure it will make you feel worse to deny yourself and go on living a lie. At some point you have to decide whether you're living for yourself or others.

Also, keep in mind that who they really love is you, not a son or brother. The things about you they love aren't going to change.

You aren't taking away their child or sibling just a specific name for that child or sibling.  You can still be in contact unless they shun YOU.  And in that case they have taken it away from themselves.  If they only love you because you are a son vs a child then they don't love you unconditionally and aren't worthy of the title of parents.

We've all told you multiple times that you can't let your family control your life with guilt or threats of self harm.  It will never stop until you make them.  It may be TS related issues today, but yesterday and tomorrow it could be other things (what type of job, where you can live, people you are allowed to be friends with).  Even apart from TS issues there is so much I missed because I did what I was told instead of what I wanted.

You so desperately need to get out of your parents home to somewhere neutral so you can learn who YOU are not who they want you to be.

I always figured my family loved ME... not my gender.

I'm still the same person. I just look a little different and dress a little different now.

Actually, if anything, all this has made me BETTER than I was before. Guilty? No. My parents should be THRILLED their "son" was able to grow up strong enough to ignore society and chase after what he wants.

Quote from: Ultimus on March 30, 2012, 03:08:19 PM
I feel like I would be a bad person to take my parents only son, as well as to take my sisters' only brother away from them. I know it would hurt them terribly because I know how much they love that son and brother.

I'm in the same boat as you. I am the only son. I have 1 sister and 2 cousins (both female). I'm the only male in my generation. My parents expected me to be a girl until I was born *cough*. I had the same feelings too that as the only male I had a role to fill in getting married, having kinds and continuing the name. I do plan on freezing sperm in case I plan on having kids down the road so the line may still live on.

The thing that made it hardest was being the only grandson of my grandfather who had 2 daughters so I filled the role as his grandson and son. I loved the man greatly and miss him every day. I would feel as if I was letting him down a little but he always wanted me to be happy and this is how I am going to be happy.

Don't hold back your own happiness just for others expectations.

I was definitely in the same boat as others. I was adopted and I'm an only child so I felt like there was a lot of extra pressure on me by my parents to assume the male role since they literally chose a boy. In the end it opened a whole new level of relationship with my parents. It's still an adjustment for them, and I'm sure that it will continue to be, but things are getting better and now the level of communication and openness is awesome. It's your life <insert cheesy bon jovi music here ;)> and at the end of the day you have to be happy with how you live it.

Quote from: Rach_A on March 30, 2012, 09:26:45 PM
Don't hold back your own happiness just for others expectations.

Quote from: Rabbit on March 30, 2012, 06:37:10 PM
I always figured my family loved ME... not my gender.

Both are SO true!

Quote from: Ultimus on March 30, 2012, 03:08:19 PM
I feel like I would be a bad person to take my parents only son, as well as to take my sisters' only brother away from them. I know it would hurt them terribly because I know how much they love that son and brother.

The question you have to ask yourself is: were you ever those things to begin with?

This is something I've thought about often. Even though, on the outside, you appear to be someone's son or brother... the way you feel inside, are you ever really free to be that person? I really hate this slogan because I know it comes from somewhere (can't think where) and sounds really cheesy but: Are you in a position to be all you can be?

Consider it this way, when you're not happy with yourself, how can you be happy with anyone else? Much less live as full a life as possible, exploring every facet of it and having your perspective being external rather than internal. It could be said that the son and brother was already lost a long time ago. Even if you do nothing about the way you feel. What good is a body if the soul is missing?

And to go one step further, it could also be said that by being true to yourself, you're able to be true to everyone else in your life, and really live your life. So to turn the question around... let me ask you: Is it morally wrong to deny the fullness of your individuality, the life you were given by your parents, and ultimately the ability to express yourself the best way possible to those you care about?

Hi Ultimus,

I don't think there is anything more to add to what has gone before me. All bases have been covered. The only suggestion I have is to read and re-read those previous gems of wisdom until they become part of you and you begin to live the person you are destined to be.

My heart goes out to you. Know that there are lots of hearts here, waiting to hug you. Keep in touch and let us know your successes.

Be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine

I feel the same way. It's also difficult knowing that I would be rejected from my family and made a social outcast if I were to ever "come out" and "transition". These reasons are part of why I will stay closeted and un-transitioned throughout my life.

Not everyone is able to do such a thing.

Quote from: Trixie on April 01, 2012, 11:00:21 AM
I feel the same way. It's also difficult knowing that I would be rejected from my family and made a social outcast if I were to ever "come out" and "transition". These reasons are part of why I will stay closeted and un-transitioned throughout my life.

Not everyone is able to do such a thing.

And others try to fit in with their family and still found themselves outcast EVEN before starting transition.  I was exiled just because I started to have my own opinions.  I mention this because some of what the OP has posted before reminds me of how they maintained control and I just thought I'd point out that eventually they will likely be tossed out just because they didn't work at this company instead of that one, or didn't take this class instead of that one.

Modifying your body to conform to your mind-image is not immoral.  It is no less moral that fixing a cleft palate on a child, or giving a deaf person a cochlear implant so they can hear.  Improving one's own life is an on-going challenge.

It is immoral to control another's free will.  That is called slavery.  You are not a slave to your family's whim.  I respect your desire to take their feelings into account, but they have been, by your own account, very non-supportive of your attempts to deal with your ->-bleeped-<-.

The day is coming when you will need to cut the cord, before you hang yourself with it.

i've felt similar, trust me.
I realized though, it doesn't have to be that way.
I can be both! Also, people have been perceiving us incorrectly, that isn't our fault.
It's your life, go live it.

Quote from: Jeneva on April 01, 2012, 12:48:32 PM
And others try to fit in with their family and still found themselves outcast EVEN before starting transition.  I was exiled just because I started to have my own opinions.  I mention this because some of what the OP has posted before reminds me of how they maintained control and I just thought I'd point out that eventually they will likely be tossed out just because they didn't work at this company instead of that one, or didn't take this class instead of that one.

That's true, and I do suppose it's different with my situation where there's a clear line between not being transitioned and accepted and transitioning and being rejected.

I've been transitioning for 3 years. I still see myself as my Mom's son... I've merely changed my body. I'm the still the arrogant prick I was as a boy, but  albeit slightly nicer. My essence and soul is still essentially the same, but the femininity was always there. I've only changed the outer appearance. I've always thought transition was more about the outer appearance, since I know nothing about being a female. I don't even like children. I'd like a few though.

I guess I should say that you're the same person as before, you're merely modifying your appearance. I very rarely see transidentities as being a "new person" or a "true self". Just the feminine essence of the male self.

Quote from: Elasmotraxx on April 02, 2012, 02:04:11 PM
I've been transitioning for 3 years. I still see myself as my Mom's son... I've merely changed my body. I'm the still the arrogant prick I was as a boy, but  albeit slightly nicer. My essence and soul is still essentially the same, but the femininity was always there. I've only changed the outer appearance. I've always thought transition was more about the outer appearance, since I know nothing about being a female. I don't even like children. I'd like a few though.

I guess I should say that you're the same person as before, you're merely modifying your appearance. I very rarely see transidentities as being a "new person" or a "true self". Just the feminine essence of the male self.

You're my new hero.  :P

To transition is "morally wrong" - according some folks' prayer-book.
It is THE most selfish thing to do, since NOBODY asks you to do it.
It is also one of the most humbling experiences I can think of. Ever.

If you choose to live in misery to please others it is the most unselfish act I can think of, - short of laying your life down for another person(s) - include suicide to please others...

So... now go take your pick.

I did, - and transitioned, being the only son, and I have only one son... call me "morally wrong" I have to live with that, yet at least I do live.

Axélle

You are not taking anything away.

You are a person, not an object, and they have a moral obligation to you to help you live an authentic life.  All you would be doing is repackaging yourself, and giving them the gift of a happier family member.
If they have a problem understanding that, then they are not being fair to you. You have every right to withdraw from a situation where you are not given the love and acceptance you deserve.  They have obligations to you too, and after putting yourself through hell for a lifetime, it is time to look after yourself.

Karen.