Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A question for those who have come out- did anyone ever refuse to believe you?

I've never shown many outward signs of my desire to be a woman apart from a few incidents when I was much younger, and I'm worried if I tell my mother and other family members they'll insist I'm mistaken. Has this ever happened to anyone and if so, how did you deal with it?

Yup, all bar two people did. I've told about 15.

Quote from: ChiralSpiral on March 30, 2012, 03:47:22 PM
A question for those who have come out- did anyone ever refuse to believe you?

Yes. The most common thing said to me is "Isn't there a pill / medicine / injection that will make you better?"

Quote from: ChiralSpiral on March 30, 2012, 03:47:22 PM
I've never shown many outward signs of my desire to be a woman apart from a few incidents when I was much younger, and I'm worried if I tell my mother and other family members they'll insist I'm mistaken. Has this ever happened to anyone and if so, how did you deal with it?

There is nothing much you can do except to keep going. Actions speak louder than words. Some people you will lose, some will come round eventually and others may accept you without understanding.

B.

No. Not really.  Everyone for the most part was like now that makes sense.  Dad flipped out at first when he saw me dressed up in 7th grade for school.

Yup

I told my friend that I'm transgender and she said, "No I don't think you're transgendered."


I told my sister and she doesn't think I'm trans.  She equating it to past hurts and that I let the devil attach masculine spirits to me in order to put a wall up and she claims that she knows this "as a fact".

I just agree to disagree with them.  I told my sister that I respect where she's coming from but this is how I feel and I will pursue this.

Yes,
as it happens my sister-in-law says she will NEVER see me as anything other then what I always was - "male"...
Transition, SRS, the works, is just that "I have a tendency to always *overdo* things..."

She also then tells others I have my "boobs under my arms" and some such to proof her point that I not female.
Also when I had my heart-op (in fact to pass for SRS) just the 3rd day post-heart-op and pretty washed out... "it is the punishment of the Lord for me..." being a sexchange... and that my make-up looks crap...

Her husband, actually gay and also ever oh so 'Christian' will "sink in the ground, when ever he has to see me"...

Well, that's just some of the stuff we get to hear and have to deal with and digest.

Lastly, one *friend* in public, in a restaurant goes to my GP that happened to enjoy a meal there with his wife, saying quite loudly approaching their table... 'asseblief moet hom nie "sny" nie ...' (please don't castrate him...)
I was about 6-7 month in RLE by then... all nicely dressed, in skirt, blouse and heels... standing just behind him on our way out. Try and imagine what that feels like!!!

There is more yet, but I spare us both the awfulness of what some folks have in store for us.

Axélle

My mom and my sister in law didn't see it coming. But my brother was like "There was always something funny about you when we were little". The only others I've told has been my school, and while they were all giggles at first when I started wearing makeup, wearing a bra, coming to school with a purse etc... nobody was surprised. In fact, a week later, they're trying to call me by my female name, trying to remember to say she, etc with only a few corrections. The only reason I have to correct them is because they've known be for 6 months as my male name. They occasionally referred to me as a girl even before I told them.

Nobody has yet refused to believe me, however. They just have a very difficult time with the right pronouns and stuff... which I'm okay with because they've known me for a long time as the other pronouns. And my brother and sister in law don't want me coming around their kids in female form.. because they want to raise their kids to "understand being gay is not what they should be"  ::)

Sort of. I don't think it was that the people I've told didn't believe me as such, but more that they seemed to want to find some easier explanation, some way to rationalise it in such a way that it could be all attributed to something else.

The closest I can equate it to is telling someone you've seen a ghost. When you tell someone that, there is a tendency to attempt to rule out every other possible little thing it could be before accepting the possibility that you did actually see it.

No, it wasn't light being shone through some odd shaped hole. No, it wasn't a reflection in some mirrored surface. No, it wasn't... you get the idea.

While those I've told have never said outright that they didn't believe me (and even went so far as to say that it would certainly explain a lot), there seemed to be an internal struggle to accept it as the truth without going through a checklist of other things that could possibly explain the way I feel.

How do you deal with it? Patience is a virtue. And you just have to remember that it was a huge deal to come to terms with yourself, so expecting everyone else to be almost nonchalant about it is unrealistic, and sometimes people need time to get used to it.

As far as my experience has went there are 4 basic natural responses.

The first and most common was the "that explains a lot"/"its about time, i knew for years" response. Most people respondef like this to me because, well there were clear signs.

The second is the "really, I never knew response, but if that is what you need to be happy" response. A few people reacted like this, I feel they have some reservations that they wont openly state.

The third is the disbelief response, this is pretty natural. Many people default to denial when faced with things they dont want to be true. So far I haven't had a very tough time convincing these, but i never told my parents (I dont speak to them often), qnd i know they would be harder to convince.

The fourth is the "omg, you are the antichrist!" Response. This one i never had but, I am glad i hadn't.

I've been really lucky to get a lot of supportive reactions. The one disbelief I do have to deal with is my mom, who just really doesn't get it. We've gotten as far as "gender vs sex," and I thought her head might explode.  :P

So far only a tiny minority thought I was kidding when I told them, but then they quickly realized that I was totally serious, and they were fully accepting.

Honestly, I think society is slowly turning the corner on transphobia.

Yes, but thankfully none of them were people who knew me very well.

I'm very slowing coming out to more people?

My mother (who I suspect is quite autistic) refuses to even consider it. Her first reaction was that she rather would have me be gay. Note that she totally hates anything gay, so... this is worse.

My father is way more open and wants the best for me but doesn't understand? However he does get that I'm hurting very badly because of this and he is quite supportive. He doesn't dismiss it out of hand but also doesn't really want me to transition? Which is mostly because of my mother...

All the friends that I have told had nearly the same reaction: They always knew that there was something different about me and after I explained* this they all agreed that it fits. It seems that I was leaking way more femininity then I suspected :)

(The only tricky thing is any discussion about sexuality: Clearly as male I'm asexual because even thinking about sex using my male parts triggers extreme dysphoria. Should I have female parts I think things would be quite different?)

* I think Jerry Springer and his ilk should be in prison for misinformation and promoting hatred against us.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on April 01, 2012, 09:53:17 PM
Honestly, I think society is slowly turning the corner on transphobia.

VERY SLOWLY!!

But there is certainly progress. Here's how far we have to go: WOMEN are still heavily discriminated against (and look at the new 'war on women' taking place in American politics).

Quote from: rachl on April 02, 2012, 07:49:44 AM
VERY SLOWLY!!

But there is certainly progress. Here's how far we have to go: WOMEN are still heavily discriminated against (and look at the new 'war on women' taking place in American politics).

Right, but i couldnt imagine myself going out into the world as a female 10 years ago and not getting laughed at. Now i dont even get second giessed, even when pieces of thick facial hair start poking thru the makeup. People still maam me and treat me respectfully.

"I could have jumped up and down and screamed and no one would have taken it seriously.  I could have written a press release, gone on national TV, and the effect would still have been the same.

And it really is that way until that day that people see you dressed right. Until you "look like a transsexual". Awkward, self conscious, kinda dazed, scared, hopeful, panicked.

That's coming out for a transsexual." - Dyssonance, from her blog (http://www.dyssonance.com/?p=1578&cpage=1)

^ That.

I've been coming out to people for 3 years now, released music as Maya for a year, recently started living pretty much full-time, and the other day, I had a job interview and only male formal clothes.  As soon as I got to my current job, my boss (who I came out to about a year ago) asked, "So, if you're dressed like this, should I call you Mich?".

In my experience, the longer people have known you one way, the more distrustful they'll be, for longer.  You just keep being true to yourself and over time, they'll realize that, in order to reject your gender identity, they have to reject you.  And they might do just that.

But you'll also meet new people who will only know you as you are and you'll find great advocates in your pool of existent friends and family.

Yup. Got a couple of people I work with who refuse to use my first name and a bunch more who use male pronouns. I resist the urge to slap them with a crowbar and merely laugh because it will eventually make them look stupid when new workers come in and hear them calling for 'John' or using male pronouns when talking about me. What was funny was before HRT, I'd mentioned to a few people I was trans and they always said, "Oh so you became a guy?" o.O

I think what did surprise me most of all was my parents. They didnt react with anything like, "That's impossible!"
It was more like, "It all fits now!"
So I guess I really really sucked at being male. lol.  My wife however, she's in the skeptic category still. But she is doing a bit better.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on April 02, 2012, 11:04:55 AM
Right, but i couldnt imagine myself going out into the world as a female 10 years ago and not getting laughed at. Now i dont even get second giessed, even when pieces of thick facial hair start poking thru the makeup. People still maam me and treat me respectfully.

Others might have a different experience. It partly depends on where you live. I get ->-bleeped-<- for merely being androgynous at the moment, even if I have beard shadow.

Quote from: Maya Zimmerman on April 02, 2012, 11:50:10 AM
"I could have jumped up and down and screamed and no one would have taken it seriously.  I could have written a press release, gone on national TV, and the effect would still have been the same.

And it really is that way until that day that people see you dressed right. Until you "look like a transsexual". Awkward, self conscious, kinda dazed, scared, hopeful, panicked.

That's coming out for a transsexual." - Dyssonance, from her blog (http://www.dyssonance.com/?p=1578&cpage=1)

^ That.

I've been coming out to people for 3 years now, released music as Maya for a year, recently started living pretty much full-time, and the other day, I had a job interview and only male formal clothes.  As soon as I got to my current job, my boss (who I came out to about a year ago) asked, "So, if you're dressed like this, should I call you Mich?".

In my experience, the longer people have known you one way, the more distrustful they'll be, for longer.  You just keep being true to yourself and over time, they'll realize that, in order to reject your gender identity, they have to reject you.  And they might do just that.

But you'll also meet new people who will only know you as you are and you'll find great advocates in your pool of existent friends and family.

It sounds like your boss was just trying to be respectful, because some people do want to have the pronouns match the gender presentation.

Quote from: rachl on April 02, 2012, 01:26:24 PM
It sounds like your boss was just trying to be respectful, because some people do want to have the pronouns match the gender presentation.

Yeah, I don't think it was meant as anything but his trying to understand.  I just thought it was a clear illustration of how easily my identity, regardless of how fixed it is in my mind, can be questioned by others with a simple change of wardrobe.  If I was born female and put on a button-down shirt and tie, I don't think my gender identity would be questioned.  It would just be a progressive attitude toward professional attire.

I consider myself mentally well adjusted.

But coming from my ex boyfriend, he supported it 100% even if it meant him losing the best top he's ever been with. People really don't give as much crap as we think they do.

Quote from: rachl on April 02, 2012, 01:25:14 PM
Others might have a different experience. It partly depends on where you live. I get ->-bleeped-<- for merely being androgynous at the moment, even if I have beard shadow.

I live in the bible belt. There is a certain line to walk like... dont tell your baptist boss your plans, and dont expect people who have known you to let you around their kids, but at least in my dealings with people i have been surprised with the tolerance.

Quote from: Alainaluvsu on April 02, 2012, 03:57:02 PM
I live in the bible belt. There is a certain line to walk like... dont tell your baptist boss your plans, and dont expect people who have known you to pet ypu around their kids, but at least in my dealings with people i have been surprised with the tolerance.

I live in the white belt part of the world.

But yeah, tgirls make a common mistake of telling those who will not tolerate them. I am gonna go tell the people who I know wouldn't like me my plans to become a woman. That should go over well.

Interestingly enough almost everyone suspected and asked what took you so long.

Yes, from my Mother. No matter how many times I've told, she still doesn't get it. I'm not bothering any more.

My mom still won't let go of her (terribly false) stereotype that "If [I was] supposed to be a man, would have a beard and a thick voice by now."

People are odd.

Yes, my mother is convinced that its all my fathers fault >.< "Um, are you even listening to me?!" But who knows, some people react in ways we weren't expecting and others, like we thought they would.