Susan's Place Transgender Resources

 So, if all goes as planned Claire gets her letter to start hormones next week... Im not sure how I feel about this, its so much sooner than I expected. When the hormones start, the man I love will slowly start disappearing. And Claire will be free. I know I should be happy for her, and I am, so very happy for her. But I am also heartbroken. Claire doesn't feel that I am loosing anything, and in reality I am not. But it still feels like I am. All my dreams and plans for our future have changed in some way or another to incorporate the fact that the man in my life will indeed be a woman. This is not, logically speaking, a huge deal for me. The person I love will be with me either way, and I do love Claire... more than she or anyone could possibly fathom.
So why does it hurt this much? I am trying to go numb. I hate that all she sees is my crying. I hate that I make her feel guilty. If I'm numb at least I'm not crying. I just want to be strong for her. I am honestly ashamed of myself for being so emotional over something that will make her so happy....  :embarrassed:
My question to you is this... Does it ever truly get easier or do we just trick ourselves into believing it is?   

It does, I swear it does! 5 months in, and I am dealing with it much better..day by day hun thats all you can do. You are grieving and thats OK, time will help- things will be ok. Eventually you will wake up and the sun will shine on you and you will see that as hard as this is right now, you will roll on. Its a hard path, a crazy winding road but we are strong. We will get through it day by day; step by step.

I'm Ftm so I'm not sure if I should be posting here, but I just wanted to say that I think you're an incredible person for being so understanding and caring about it. I don't think you should be so hard on yourself about your own feelings though, it's probably one of the most challenging concepts that a partner or SO can ever have to go through so don't belittle your own emotions about it, cry as much as you want, don't be ashamed. Your partner will understand because I know it's a cliché but it's a transition for you too.
I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice, only my respect and my gratitude that women like you exist.

Gypsy, you need to remain strong for Claire and yourself. I know in one way your happy for Claire to finally be the girl she was always meant to be, but in a scene your grieving losing your husband and watching him turn into a woman. It is normal to have these feelings but things will get better over time. Time heals everything. You just need to keep going to therapy, find support groups, talk with other people, and be part of Claire's transition. The most important thing is you need to still keep communicating with Claire too. I wish both Claire and yourself the best of luck.

You are doing amazingly sis.  Personally I'd say have a good cry and go through all the stages of grieving for the side of your lover that is  ending, so that you can make room for the new.  You are not being unreasonable, reason really doesn't get much of a look in here.  It's all about emotions.
Nothing will happen overnight physically, but you should notice a calmness about Claire after the first week or so.  The changes to her emotionally will make it a lot easier to communicate if my own experience is anything to go by.   She will be more on your wavelength than she ever was before. 
Good wishes for the pair of you.

Karen.

Hi GypsySoul,
     After over three years of dealing with having a wife instead of a husband, I still have moments when I try to figure out how to deal with new stuff. :-\
     You all are just starting out and there is a learning process to figure out.  I felt like I was fumbling around in the dark a good portion of the time.  Sometimes life just positively sucked.  I cried myself to sleep many nights. When Jen noticed, she held me until I finally fell asleep. I felt guilty for making her feel guilty; just like you feel.
     It is good to let Claire know how you feel with each step that she takes. If you try to hold everything inside, it eats at you.  I have done that before. It's not pretty when things erupt from being held in too long.  It is such a good thing that you both are going to therapy. I think that will help tons. I have a terrible tendency to get past being sad by getting mad and feeling like finding a punching bag.  I probably would have benefitted from antidepressants especially in the beginning. You might want to talk to your therapist or doctor about how you are feeling.  He or she might suggest a way to deal with everything.
      Sorry this has been kind of rambling. When I read your posts, it brings back a lot of memories. Please don't forget that it really does get better.
Hang in there.

Anti depressants might be a good idea. talk to your family Dr. They can be quite mild and liberating. I went on them when my wife had a serious accident and I couldn't cope. To be honest I didn't know I wasn't coping, but friends dobbed me thank goddess.

You need to bring your fears out as well, you love a person and that is admirable but you also have feelings and desires that have to be accepted and taken care of. If you are lesbian you may be able to cope well, but if you are not life may get overwhelming. Claire's desires may also change, and that is something you both need to discuss. Sexually I am now only interested in men, I keep my vows and will never break them . But I wasn't interested in men before I went onto hormones. I'm not suggesting the hormones did it but maybe my acceptance of my gender had something to do with it.

All of this is an emotional minefield that can also be quite fluid. You both have lives and you both have a right to personal enjoyment.

I wish you both love and strength. And none of my post was meant to be negative but just observation of other friends I have in similar positions.

Take Care

Cindy

Just to provide a counter point to Cindy's and help keep you from panicking, I have had no orientation changes at all.  I have honestly tried to evaluate men as partners, but they just don't give me that warm tingly feeling inside.

There is no weakness in antidepressants or any other sort of medicine for your mental health.  As Shannon said she doesn't take any, but I do.  I am almost to the point where I want to wean off of them, but my PCP asked me to wait until after all of the hormone adjustments are done since I switched to an endo and am now going to have an orchi.

The key is to keep the lines of communication open.  Tell Claire how you feel and if she needs to slow down for a little while.  Make sure Claire tells you how she feels.  It is a whirlwind of emotion right now, but we found once it was past that our connection was so much stronger.

Just like Shannon said, it does get better.  We will keep you in our thoughts and I freely offer you energy for when you feel weak.

As long as you believe you can, then you will.

Claire may be just showing her feminine side and they are just assuming she is gay. You have to remember she is a girl and does have a feminine side to her.

I don't blame you for being bothered by maybe Claires attraction to men. This is every spouses concern when a partner comes out being transgender. It could happen and then it could not happen because nobody really knows. If it does happen it is something you both need to discuss and don't take it as anything personally against you. What you have to realize is Claire is becoming a woman and the world will be different to her too. I am sure your therapist will discuss these things with you.

Hugs

Claire doesn't feel that I am loosing anything, and in reality I am not.

Sure you are.  You are losing what you wanted.  You're also losing a bunch of money to a process that benefits her, but no one else.  It could have bought a house, put away for retirement that $30K she will spend could easily end up being $200K - so it's not a minor bunch of stuff.  That they are doing with their life what they want does not preclude you from getting on with yours.  Perhaps those trails head off in different directions.  So it goes.

All too often around here I see support as being a very one-way street, and it does not seem fair to me.

Quote from: GypsySoul on April 20, 2012, 02:35:36 PM
To be quite honest this is one of the things that bothers me.... I dont believe that my love is attracted to men at all but apparently the people in my family seem to think she is... They dont know what is happening but they do know we are in therapy and the opinion from most of them is the same "C is gay isnt he???" I guess maybe I think they might see something I dont. But Claire assures me she is in no way interested in men. I guess the other big ones for me is having to annul our marriage.... that one breaks my heart a million times over. (I know its just paper but still)

Just because they think she is a gay man doesn't mean she is a straight female.  EVERYONE was convinced I was gay because I was too feminine.  Even my own (grand) parents.  I was set up on the date with my now wife as a test of my "gayness".  We ran into someone I went to high school with (before I decided I had to do something) and he was stunned to see me married to a woman.

I don't understand the annulment part.  Generally speaking courts consider marriages entered legally to be legal (I have actually seen this on multiple law sites because someone questioned it before).  That doesn't mean they can't rule it is invalid, but to do so would likely force them to allow her to marry a man which most red states would find even more objectionable.

Quote from: tekla on April 20, 2012, 03:23:57 PM
Claire doesn't feel that I am loosing anything, and in reality I am not.

Sure you are.  You are losing what you wanted.  You're also losing a bunch of money to a process that benefits her, but no one else.  It could have bought a house, put away for retirement that $30K she will spend could easily end up being $200K - so it's not a minor bunch of stuff.  That they are doing with their life what they want does not preclude you from getting on with yours.  Perhaps those trails head off in different directions.  So it goes.

All too often around here I see support as being a very one-way street, and it does not seem fair to me.

I agree that this is a selfish process, BUT generally we only do it when it becomes unavoidable.  And none of those other plans were ever assured anyway.  Future children even if a person didn't transition aren't a guarantee and there are always options there.  Yes it is expense, BUT so is an addiction.  What is she turned to some drug as a way to escape the pain?  What if she committed suicide or ran away in shame, both of those would destroy the future income she would earn for the family.  By all means what we have done to our wives is unrepayable and a should cause use great sorrow, but what is done is done and we cannot change the past.

I'm sorry to admit, but I was drifting away from Shannon as I became more and more withdrawn and was slowly dying inside.  I will regret to the day I die that I hurt her.  She would have been in the right to ask me to leave even before I came out to her.  When I came out to her I offered her EVERYTHING and all the support she needed and I would just walk away, but she said no lets try.  And those three words were among the most beautiful I have ever heard (right up there with I do and her first I love you).  And now after three long and hard years our relationship is SO much stronger than it EVER was.

Yes the best path for an SO can be (or even often is) to walk away, but that is something for the two of them to decide on their own.  Love is a valuable gift and if it can be rekindled from the embers is that not a good thing.  If it cannot then so be it, but at least both know they tried their best.


Do remember Gypsy Soul that no one will think any less of you if you find that the two of you cannot make this work.  I hold you in the highest esteem that you are even willing to try.  Thank you, and may your future be full of joy regardless of who it is with.

but what is done is done and we cannot change the past.

I'll use that the next time I go to court.


That someone is on this walk does not obligate anyone else to travel with them.  Some paths are for your steps alone.  People go numb not out of worrying about the other, but from losing themselves - and that's dangerous.  What if the OP sticks it out, goes on drugs, commits suicide?  Whose going to pick up those pieces.

And the time to have kids is in fact, in a normal life, not a huge window.  If that's what you want, and it's not going to happen, then you should be moving into a space where it can.