Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Sometimes I find myself stuck in a rut when I see my fellow comrades outlapping me transition wise and would like to hear from some non-op people if that's possible.

I do plan on transitioning eventually but as I said before I'm 20 and still living at home with my mom who wouldn't approve because of religious beliefs.  Plus there are no support groups here.  I have somewhat of a plan that was mentioned in the ARRRGH section and I still plan on executing that plan but it seems to go so slow so for now I am stuck in this body.

For those none-ops out there who are unable to transition how do you personally cope?

Unwilling better described me. I did test the water twice in my early twenties and opted for "normal". I wasn't looking forward to a lifetime of being a target of ridicule after having spent 18 years as one.

I managed to get by cross-dressing, even when I was living at home. It was more of a pressure relief, done occasionally and not routinely. If I could, my clothes were not hidden away. Constantly seeing them helped on several levels. I also sought out transsexuals to date. While I knew I could never be that brave I sort of felt this was the next best thing. While trying to be a normal guy I can try to help others feel like a normal woman. Living just outside New York City helped a lot there.

Of course, there is always distraction, or denial depending on your point of view. I was passionate about my work. It actually wasn't work to me. I got paid to do cool stuff I always wanted to. That kept my mind otherwise occupied, even outside of the office. Playing at "normal" also meant there were plenty of the normal life distractions to deal with too.

All that worked pretty good for 30+ years.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 17, 2012, 10:28:36 PM
Unwilling better described me. I did test the water twice in my early twenties and opted for "normal". I wasn't looking forward to a lifetime of being a target of ridicule after having spent 18 years as one.

Of course, there is always distraction, or denial depending on your point of view. I was passionate about my work. It actually wasn't work to me. I got paid to do cool stuff I always wanted to. That kept my mind otherwise occupied, even outside of the office. Playing at "normal" also meant there were plenty of the normal life distractions to deal with too.

^ This.  I tested the waters twice (once at 22, a second time at 27), and I was on the brink, metaphorically flipped a coin with my therapist, and we decided that I should try and stay male.

A decade later, I'm now in too deep with my current life to be able to transition at this point in time.  Full transition (if ever), is probably going to be in about 10 years from now when I've gotten my kids to a stable point in their lives, and my debts paid down - I come from a borked family and don't wish that on my kids as they grow up - that is more important to me than anything else.

Keeping yourself busy and focused with other things that you are passionate about will somewhat abrogate your gender issues and help buy you some valuable "sanity" time while getting your career/finances/social situation sorted.

I can't transition. I could list the reasons, but with a few exceptions, were all excuses rather than reasons.

But I have coped with the knowledge that I am who I am. I didn't choose this. I'll do my best. If I get there one day, great. But otherwise, lots of people, with terrible things to overcome in their lives, do the same.

I guess I could drown myself more in video games to distract myself and take it out on all the victims in the video games lol.  At least I can be who I am in my mind.  I like to imagine that I'm male.

I do a lot of writing.

For various reasons I can't/am not willing to transition.  The main one being that I could never truly get an androgynous body, at least one that would suit me.  So, I write and I focus on living my current life to the best of my ability.

Quote from: Lynn Gabriel on April 18, 2012, 05:03:54 PM
I do a lot of writing.

For various reasons I can't/am not willing to transition.  The main one being that I could never truly get an androgynous body, at least one that would suit me.  So, I write and I focus on living my current life to the best of my ability.

I had thought about writing but I got so lazy and decided not to do it and instead join this site.

I just don't have the desire to do a "transition" at this point in my life. I had a brief foray into HRT that didn't work out but even then it was just to modify some subtle aspects of my appearance in order to me be happier with myself - not actually transition. I don't think I ever seriously considered it. When I was a young teenager I had no idea that something like that was even possible. For my whole life I've viewed myself as "stuck" in the body I have. Over about 20 years time I've learned my own ways to cope and deal with it, better than I had been when I was a teenager.

A few others have already mentioned the work thing - or other distractions. Lately I've been using exercise as a distraction - trying to shape my body a little better and of course exercising (when done properly) is healthy and makes you feel better and I'm all about health and feeling better.

I use creative outlets all the time - art, photography, writing ... that helps a lot. Also just using my imagination helps a lot. That's pretty much the one thing I can cite that's gotten me through life - being able to imagine my "perfect world" without it really having a negative impact on "real life".

Having a few supportive friends (even if they're only online) is pretty invaluable to me. It makes you feel not so alone of course but the boost you can get from a friend who truly understands and accepts the "real you" is just immeasurable to me. A comment from a friend like that can often make my whole day when I'm feeling "off".

As much as I hate certain things about my body or even when I'm in a mood and something like a store clerk calling me "ma'am" totally pisses me off, I try to latch on to all the good things about my life. There's always more of those than there are the negative things. And no one can change what's inside of me or how my brain works.   

Malachite

Have a suggestion.

Join some forums, discussing any issues that you can join in with. But join as a male. Think about any references you might make to your gender, in the course of discussion, and change these over. If you have a husband, that is your wife. Any other important issues.

Then jump in.

It allows you to test the water and the results can be quite intersting.

Malachite, I second spacial's suggestion. When I first realized trans people were a thing, I made a new account on Gaia as a male. Everyone thought I was male; I had previously thought I was going to sound female even typing under a male identity, but everyone believed me as to my gender and I even got a lot of unexpected attention from straight women attracted to my personality.

One of my better decisions as a 'closeted' trans person.

I haven't transitioned simply because of school, which is ending in a month. I'm dreading it because I've grown so used to the closet, but I guess whatever happens happens. Basicly, I've been coping by playing lots of video games and using the internet.

The coping mechanisms I used back in the day weren't very good for me. Over the years, they had me twisted up like a freaking pretzel. The only thing that really helped was transition.

Here are things that didn't work, or didn't work for long:
Identifying myself as a cross dresser
Calling myself "only" transgender and not really transsexual
Crawling into my head for years and years and years
Going back into the closet

I suppose I had to go through the self-definition phases because for a long time I didn't know any other people like me, and we didn't have all of this internet stuff. But it was all a screen for what I really was. If you've truly accepted yourself, you're way ahead of where I was when I was ten and twenty years older than you.

Things that helped me right before I started transition or when I was early in transition:
Hanging out with other trans people
Going to therapy
Coming to Susan's
Writing in my journal
Making lists of transition-related steps--the smaller, the better
Making a transition plan, or trying to--it was anxiety-inducing and uncertain, but it helped more than it hurt
Getting control over other areas of my life, since my gender issues had me by the figurative balls (so I found solace in exercise, losing weight, and eating the kind of food my body runs best on)

Do you have a plan, even a tentative one?

Trying to put my energy into others things... Work, the gym, and dreamin of what may never be... Literally spend time on photoshop imagining HRT, surgeries, and ultimately transition... Sigh  ^-^

Quote from: Arch on May 04, 2012, 06:09:36 PM
The coping mechanisms I used back in the day weren't very good for me. Over the years, they had me twisted up like a freaking pretzel. The only thing that really helped was transition.

Here are things that didn't work, or didn't work for long:
Identifying myself as a cross dresser
Calling myself "only" transgender and not really transsexual
Crawling into my head for years and years and years
Going back into the closet

I suppose I had to go through the self-definition phases because for a long time I didn't know any other people like me, and we didn't have all of this internet stuff. But it was all a screen for what I really was. If you've truly accepted yourself, you're way ahead of where I was when I was ten and twenty years older than you.

Things that helped me right before I started transition or when I was early in transition:
Hanging out with other trans people
Going to therapy
Coming to Susan's
Writing in my journal
Making lists of transition-related steps--the smaller, the better
Making a transition plan, or trying to--it was anxiety-inducing and uncertain, but it helped more than it hurt
Getting control over other areas of my life, since my gender issues had me by the figurative balls (so I found solace in exercise, losing weight, and eating the kind of food my body runs best on)

Do you have a plan, even a tentative one?

Susans has really helped me coped too.  I do have a plan but it's not the best one but still a plan none the less.  My original plan was to graduate college next year, get a job and save for 2-4 years move out, get top surgery, then a hysto, then weight loss surgery, then bottom, and revisions and then some other cosmetic procedures done.  Once I get a job and bank account I would "secretly" see an online/ therapist and get my SRS and T letters.  However if my current thoughts in my head take over then weight loss surgery will be first.

@Trista that's what I pretty much do now lol

@spacial and marion that's something to look into.  My youtube account has me as male and it feels good when people on there call me "bro".

I remember that you were talking about putting your top surgery money into therapy...have you completely exhausted your therapy options? It would be a pity for you to pump that money into getting your head shrunk when you might be able to find low-cost options.

Why do you need weight-loss surgery? Are you unable to lose the weight any other way? Sorry if I don't know the whole story--I haven't been around much lately.

One thing that helped me was changing my name long before I ever transitioned. The only real down side is that there's a bit of female history with that male name. It probably wouldn't make a difference to most people (depends on life activities and job and all of that). But the advantages have FAR outweighed the disadvantages.

Of course, I changed my name and lived with that name for several years before the Internet really started getting big. So there were only a couple of places online that my male name was connected to my other life. And I was able to get rid of one of those references, as much as anyone does get rid of such things. It might be different these days--you'd have to keep a much lower profile, I think.

Yeah, the name change was part of what kept me sane.

I've thought about doing that now but my family and associates would still call me by my birthname which would tear me up.

A while back I saw a post of yours where you explored the thought of in a sense being lucky to be born at the time period you were in as opposed to now.  You questioned the possibility of transgender youth today being more depressed because they know that they can change but they can't do it yet as opposed to back then when these issues weren't spoken of much and people just had to "deal with it".  I've thought about that concept before and I certainly see that as my case.  Before I realized/accepted that I could possibly transition I was more of a non-chalant person and I just didn't care about life at all.  I had no goals in my life other than to just live with my mom and mooch off of her.  Now since accepting that I NEED to transition, I DO get depressed because I currently can't.  I can't tell which is healtier though, just not caring, or depressed because I can't reach the good things in the future just yet.

Quote from: Malachite on May 04, 2012, 09:57:49 PM
I can't tell which is healtier though, just not caring, or depressed because I can't reach the good things in the future just yet.

I'm getting to the point where I can see the advantages and the disadvantages in a more balanced way than I used to--and say that things would have been just different. But I'm not all the way there yet. I feel that, generally speaking, things are getting better and better with each generation. So I do envy the younger guys. And even if they figure themselves out early on and don't have a lot of resources, lots apparently find a way to go on T pretty quickly, even if they have to bind for a few years after that.

The real killer for me was finding out about transition and then doing nothing about it for twenty years. I've met quite a few guys in my general age range who simply didn't know about transition until they were 35 or 40 or 45, and they transitioned soon after. Some of them felt wrong or didn't quite fit in, and some were butches, and some were just sort of adult tomboys. They weren't torturing themselves for two solid decades. 

That limbo was my worst enemy because I didn't fully accept myself. I think it's much better to accept yourself and know who/what you are and not be in a position to act on it right away. But then, I'm on this side of the fence.

Quote from: Malachite on May 04, 2012, 09:57:49 PM
I've thought about doing that now but my family and associates would still call me by my birthname which would tear me up.

A while back I saw a post of yours where you explored the thought of in a sense being lucky to be born at the time period you were in as opposed to now.  You questioned the possibility of transgender youth today being more depressed because they know that they can change but they can't do it yet as opposed to back then when these issues weren't spoken of much and people just had to "deal with it".  I've thought about that concept before and I certainly see that as my case.  Before I realized/accepted that I could possibly transition I was more of a non-chalant person and I just didn't care about life at all.  I had no goals in my life other than to just live with my mom and mooch off of her.  Now since accepting that I NEED to transition, I DO get depressed because I currently can't.  I can't tell which is healtier though, just not caring, or depressed because I can't reach the good things in the future just yet.

Hmm interesting point. I don't think I'm as old as Arch but I know he's one of the older dudes here who lived through a different era than what seems to be the majority of guys in this forum. I didn't have a clue about things like HRT (or hormone blockers) or transition when I was a teenager. Hell I didn't even know what a transsexual was. Me figuring out I was into both guys and girls sexually seemed like a momentous step. But I had always, always considered myself male and the female role/body was just something I was stuck dealing with. So I've already been through the whole depression (of just feeling stuck with no options to feeling like the option wasn't really mine once I found out about it) part of it and kinda broke through the other side a "new man" so to speak. I guess in a way I did do a transition - from someone who hated themselves, their life and their body to someone who got a whole different perspective on the matter and is actually enjoying the large majority of my life in general. That's certainly not for everyone - everyone is unique in how they end up being comfortable with themselves. I couldn't even say that I would pop in a time machine now and go back and change it - I seriously wouldn't want to screw up what I have now, ya know?

I think it's human nature for people to want what they don't have. For trans folks it just happens to be social acceptance as their true gender and a body to match.

As of right now, I'm non-op. I have too much drama going on right now to even think about completing the process. What do I do?

Like most other problems....take it one day at a time.

Maybe one hour...or even one minute at a time.

Find happiness whenever, wherever, whatever it is...a sunrise, someone's smile (if they don't have one, give them one of yours), a blossom...

Don't dwell on what hasn't happened yet. Stay focused in the "now." Plan for the future, make definite goals (even small ones!), and achieve those. But don't dwell on what hasn't--or won't--happen.

I sure can see dealing with being trans sucking even more for the younger people then for us dinosaurs. You know the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the oncoming train we felt it was. It's just one hell of a walk to get there.

When all else fails you can adopt my philosophy:
Life sucks and then you die

Although I would not recommend it after the extensive 50 year try out period I've given it

I'm taking baby steps toward transitioning, but it's still very hard to cope. I want to wait to start HRT until I can be under a doctor's supervision, but right now I don't have health insurance- I'm trying to scrape together the money to see a doctor out-of-pocket just to get my first HRT script. I don't have a lot of money or job security right now either- I'm looking for another or a better job, but it's been tough to even get an interview.

So how do I cope? Crossdressing at this point doesn't do that much to improve my mood, because all I can see looking back at me in the mirror is a man in a dress. Honestly I'd rather be on hormones and have to stay in "boy mode" for a while than dress as a woman without HRT. I've shaved my chest and legs, and that has made me feel more feminine- I particularly like how my chest looks and feels shaved. My skin is thankfully very soft and fair.

At this point, I'm really just barely keeping it together day-to-day. I'd love any advice anyone cares to give on coping...

Tomboy, my therapist is sometimes a real Pollyanna--I love the guy anyway--but he gave me some useful advice when I was just starting out. At least, it was useful to me.

One thing, accept the negative things--don't ignore them--but focus on the positive that you have right now. If you don't see any, look harder. As you said, you have soft skin--that's a plus. You feel more feminine when you shave--ditto. Take pleasure in these things.

Another thing that occasionally helped me was to visualize where I thought I would be in a couple of years. I imagined my chest flat. I imagined that all of my major ID documents would be changed. I tried to imagine how masculine I would look after a few years on T. I told myself that if I took small steps, I would get there.

And...what do you know, I'm getting there, one step at a time.