Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just wonder how many people on this part of the forum feel dysphoria. I have read/heard that not all people identifying as androgynes feel this way. I would be interested if it was MtA as well. For me, I've just not uncomfortable with my breasts, which might vary by day or week. In the winter it's less so. I wear lots of heavy bulky clothes like sweatshirts or polar fleece jackets. In the summer, and I live in a desert state, doesn't work so well. Will be interested in seeing how the binder, when it arrives (makes me nervous ordering something I've never ordered before online) makes me feel.

--Jay Jay

I get dysphoria. It's not very bad, but it is significant to me.
When I got my first binder, I grinned like a maniac and have worn it almost every day since even though I thought I was only going to wear it once in awhile. It just feels and looks right to have a flat (flatter anyway) chest.

I get dysphoria pretty badly which is why I plan on transitioning towards androgynous/male.  I don't think i can stand having female pronouns used for the rest of my life or for people to see me as female.  I hate it. 

I would love a binder, but no binders can help me all that much since I'm a 38 DD.

I'm MtA and I have dysphoria.  I'm almost 6'3" tall (1.9 m), with an annoyingly fast growing beard.  It could be worse.. I don't have thick, dark body hair except for a few tufts on my chest, and I've been told I have girly calves.  LOL

After puberty I didn't shave for a long time because I was in denial and refused to acknowledge that I needed to.  I got complemented on my goatee, and just laughed a bit and tried to push it out of my mind.

I don't think I'd mind growing very small breasts and somewhat curvier hips if it'll help compensate for my maleness, but I'd rather not have anything to compensate for.  I don't want to look like a prepubescent kid, but I don't want contrasting extremes, either....  maybe just a little bit of maleness and a little bit of femaleness, but nothing that obviously stands out.

For the past decade my strategy for dealing with my gender presentation was to give up all hope and be depressed.  This year I've rethought that, but I've still just barely gotten started with trying to change my appearance.  I'm growing my hair out and am going to get a girly headband and a scrunchie.  I'm looking into an epilator for my body hair.  Someday I might end up considering hormone therapy, but there's a lot of other things to try before I get to that point...  clothes, makeup...  whatever else I can think of.

People are conditioned to see everybody as male or female, so actually ever passing as androgyne might be too much to hope for.  But someday I want to at least look androgynous enough to confuse people when they see me.

I have both body dysphoria and social dysphoria I've almost beat the social part People no longer see me as 'normal' male so I don't have that pain although I do get strange comments from strangers that make it clear that they see me as a man in a dress.  My body is a thing that often feels wrong and broken sometimes to the point of tears my body hatred is a mix of gender and medical issues

Oh gosh, I maybe should have said androgyne body dysphoria. I didn't really want to remind people of all that much pain!  :(

--Jay Jay

Quote from: Sarah7 on May 03, 2012, 07:08:53 PM
Actually, my feelings about my body are pretty much all I've got in the way of gender/sex identity. The less I experience dysphoria, the less I have any internal sense of gender/sex at all. It's kind of... nice.

I've seen a lot of people say that a stronger gender identity in trans people comes from the conflict, and that's why a lot of cis/nontrans people say they "don't really have a gender identity." They do, they've just never had any reason to think about it.

Quote from: Kinkly on May 03, 2012, 05:13:24 PM
I have both body dysphoria and social dysphoria

First time I've come across the term "social dysphoria", but I'm new so maybe it's been bouncing back and forth bet never landed on my court.

That's exactly what I feel. Socially, I am a large part woman, and i'm very uncomfortable being treated like a man (thought I don't know what I ought to expect. I look like man.) I'm not comfortable interacting like one, much more like a woman, which of course freaks out all the woman that this man is talking like one of their girlfriends and baffles the men that I'm so standoffish.

Of course that all could be fixed if I looked like a woman, but I'm really not one, just a strange incongruous concoction of the two.

I also experience dysphoria, every single day. I consider myself FtM Androgyn (or FtA, though I never really use that one, but I guess it suits) and I really have a lot of body dysphoria (mostly because of my breasts and also a little less my hips), voice dysphoria (I have this really high voice which sounds way too girly), and also social dysphoria.
I really hate to be called "she" or "girl". (and because there is no gender neutral pronouns in Dutch I just go for male pronouns because the "she" feels much worse than "he" although they both don't feel right).

Quote from: agfrommd on May 04, 2012, 10:45:45 AM
First time I've come across the term "social dysphoria"

I think it might be new for me too.

I suppose I have social dysphoria.  I wonder how much...  if everybody thought of me as an androgyne and interacted with me accordingly (whatever that means), but I still looked male, how much better would I feel?  If I hid under clothes and hair and makeup, and looked sufficiently androgynous, but knew that I was still manly underneath it all, how much better would I feel?  Conversely, if I did low dose HRT and whatever else it takes to make me not feel so bad about my body, but everybody still refused to acknowledge my gender, how much better would I feel?

So many unknowns!

I don't have body dysphoria, just the occasional wistfulness that I don't have a female or neutral body.

I do wish people would stop calling me "sir" and assuming that because I look like a guy I must have the typical guy interests and attitude.  I try to at least project "geek" to deflect some of that, and throw out a few contrary gender cues sometimes, and it's occasionally helpful.

Quote from: foosnark on May 29, 2012, 10:40:26 AM
I do wish people would stop calling me "sir" and assuming that because I look like a guy I must have the typical guy interests and attitude.  I try to at least project "geek" to deflect some of that, and throw out a few contrary gender cues sometimes, and it's occasionally helpful.

I should try that. I'm really tired of the snarky remarks when people hear what music/movies I like.

BTW, have you been away? Seems like a while since we've seen your posts. Welcome back.

Aww, thanks :)  I haven't been keeping up here; I've been busy and gender hasn't been much on my mind lately for the most part.  I've been feeling like I kind of don't have one. :)

I have dysphoria. I take low dose HRT to control it. Life has been pretty smooth since I started HRT, before it was constant ups and downs and noises in my head that i could not get away from ("I''m a girl" over and over again), and panic attacks.

I feel like I have dysphoria sometimes maybe... and sometimes not. It's confusing, because I'm still sorting out what's just feeling annoyed by things like bad knees and being overweight, and what is a problem with having/not having the right parts. I do know that I worry about surgery simply because I don't have a strong desire to look like one gender or the other. More both/neither.

Getting to the doctor's so difficult right now I have no idea when I could talk about hormones or therapy or anything so I'm muddling along for the moment. :)

i think my biggest problem is that i'm somewhere between bigender and genderfluid (probably), and i have really nice breasts
the guy hates them, but the girl loves them. and of course binding or fakes just isn't enough
no wonder that i hesitate to seek professional advice..

not having male parts doesn't bother me as much. it's just weird those times when it feels natural that i should have something more between my legs. but my voice is something i really wish to change

Funnily enough, if I have a "male" and "female" side the "male" side of me likes having breasts too.  ??? I'd like to get a binder, because sometimes they're just annoying but sometimes they're not.

Odd thing, voice-wise: I wish mine was a bit higher. I sing, and I'm naturally a mezzo soprano, but most of the singers I listen to most are tenors who often have terrific falsettos and I just can't get up into the right ranges without stretching. So I guess I wish I had a male tenor voice.

Quote from: Ariel on May 31, 2012, 11:43:30 PM
Funnily enough, if I have a "male" and "female" side the "male" side of me likes having breasts too. 

Feel that way about my muscles. They're relatively new - I only started lifting a couple of years ago. The male part likes the practical aspect - I can lift heavier stuff - and the female part likes how they make me look and that the exercise keeps me healthy.

As a non-binary with hellish dysphoria, I kind of want to throttle the people who say only binary-identified trans people feel that.

Quote from: Stealthy on June 02, 2012, 01:41:34 AM
As a non-binary with hellish dysphoria, I kind of want to throttle the people who say only binary-identified trans people feel that.

I'm with ya', Stealthy.

I see posts now and then saying stuff like that. Can't understand it. Couldn't having an identity that doesn't match *any* binary body type suck just as much as one that doesn't match the one you were born with?

Couldn't having an identity that doesn't match *any* binary body type suck just as much as one that doesn't match the one you were born with?

Precisely

I feel a stronger sense of dislike with my body in the summer, I look at the pretty girls and wish I can be then. This feeling can get rather strong and a few times I have wondered if I am not actually FtM, but then I realised that it was only the pretty girls I looked at like that and concluded that what I actually want to be is pretty.

For me, I lot of my androgyne feelings are like that, a longing for certain qualities that might be embodied in certain people and genders, but my desire to be more abstracted (to be a pretty girl and not a pretty girl). It's certainly a hallmark of my androgynity.

Quote from: Pica Pica on June 02, 2012, 06:41:07 PM
what I actually want to be is pretty.

Pica, I've had that feeling so many times, on and off.

Would it help to realize how beautiful you really are? My best moments come when I can expand the definition of pretty from "looking like a cross between a runway model and a barbie doll" to "a beautiful person inside and out, with beautiful thoughts, ideas, feelings, likes, dislikes and with an imperfectly human beautiful face and body that is 100% me."

Easier to say than do, of course, but I'm sure those "pretty" people have nothing on you.

I wouldn't say I have a "hellish" sense of dysphoria (but then not all tran* folks do, if the self-reports are any guide at all). Though it seems some people who are androgyne do feel this way. I think my feelings vary on this. I definitely dislike my breasts but I have been trying binding, and I think I look *too* flat, so it is definitely a match thing going on in my mind re: matching my body to how I feel. And there is definitely something in there that is going "not a match" in my brain.

--Jay Jay

Quote from: Pica Pica on June 02, 2012, 06:41:07 PM...it was only the pretty girls I looked at like that and concluded that what I actually want to be is pretty.

For me, I lot of my androgyne feelings are like that, a longing for certain qualities that might be embodied in certain people and genders, but my desire to be more abstracted (to be a pretty girl and not a pretty girl). It's certainly a hallmark of my androgynity.

Yes, this exactly. There is kind of an idealized not-an-actual-woman aspect to it for me, and there always has been.  This is part of why I don't see myself going MtF or trying to pass as female.

Quote from: Edge on May 02, 2012, 09:13:03 PM
I get dysphoria. It's not very bad, but it is significant to me.
When I got my first binder, I grinned like a maniac and have worn it almost every day since even though I thought I was only going to wear it once in awhile. It just feels and looks right to have a flat (flatter anyway) chest.

I had the same experience. I didn't feel I had any dysphoria concerning by breasts before I tried binding for the first time - I'd never been a fan of my own breasts, exactly, but they weren't something I loathed. But when I did, I just started crying and laughing and continued through the night. What a cliche reaction, really ;)

I've been binding almost every day since, and started soon to go in public flat-chested, too. I sort of noticed my mild body dysphoria only afterwards, back on that night I first realized how much better I feel about myself flat-chested. It was a strange feeling, noticing that the reason I've always felt fat appears to be my womanly body parts and shape. :)

Quote from: Phoeniks on July 06, 2012, 07:17:15 AM
I've been binding almost every day since, and started soon to go in public flat-chested, too. I sort of noticed my mild body dysphoria only afterwards, back on that night I first realized how much better I feel about myself flat-chested. It was a strange feeling, noticing that the reason I've always felt fat appears to be my womanly body parts and shape. :)

I've gotten used to the binder and really like being flat. The other thing is I dislike my "shape". If I don't see it I feel a lot better. I avoid looking at the full length mirrors. It's funny though as I have presented more male, I like to look at myself *dressed* in full length mirrors.

--Jay Jay

To me, saying "yes, I have dysphoria" seems to lack emotional impact.  The word is...  I dunno...  too Greek, I guess.  I know lots of people on a site like this know what it is and how it feels, and that should be good enough...  I know I'm being irrational, but I can't help it.

Umm, maybe I should put in a trigger warning... better safe than sorry, I guess... if you don't want to hear about dysphoria, stop reading now.

Sometimes when I see myself in a mirror I can't look away and can't stop myself from thinking.  I think, whenever anybody looks at me, that's they body they see.  When somebody hugs me, that's the body they're hugging.  If somebody falls in love with me, that's the body they'll see when they look at their lover.  That's how all my friends and family see me.

EWWW.

Then I think, why me?  So many people don't have to deal with this, why can't I be one of them?  I usually need to cry to get the emotions out, but I always have such a hard time crying.  I don't know if it's because of hormones, or because I spent too much time trying not to cry because I was terrified of being myself in front of people.  (Death doesn't make me cry much either.  Something about my ability to express emotion is seriously broken.)

Anyway, sometimes I buy into the stereotype that androgynes don't have it so bad and wonder if I'm really MTF (umm.. is that a stereotype?  I don't know where to look for an example of it, and I'm suddenly doubting my memory  ???).  It's hard to imagine growing up with a female body, but I'm pretty sure I'd be cutting my hair short and manly, binding my breasts, and stuff like that.

Other times I have a good day and stay away from mirrors (or am in denial) and wonder if I've been making a big deal out of nothing.  I guess it all averages out eventually LOL

Iv always looked at a masculin chest with envy. Getting my first binder lifted a large weight of my chest ( pun may or may not of been intended  ;) ) there are other reasons I get dysphoric but my chest has always been my main issue

Quote from: BlueSloth on July 06, 2012, 10:41:11 PM
Sometimes when I see myself in a mirror I can't look away and can't stop myself from thinking.  I think, whenever anybody looks at me, that's they body they see.  When somebody hugs me, that's the body they're hugging.  If somebody falls in love with me, that's the body they'll see when they look at their lover.  That's how all my friends and family see me.

EWWW.

Then I think, why me?  So many people don't have to deal with this, why can't I be one of them?  I usually need to cry to get the emotions out, but I always have such a hard time crying.  I don't know if it's because of hormones, or because I spent too much time trying not to cry because I was terrified of being myself in front of people.  (Death doesn't make me cry much either.  Something about my ability to express emotion is seriously broken.)

Other times I have a good day and stay away from mirrors (or am in denial) and wonder if I've been making a big deal out of nothing.  I guess it all averages out eventually LOL

This sounds so similar to how I'm feeling. I didn't even realize that on the "good days" I don't look at my body at all and question if I'm just making much fuzz about nothing. On the bad days I can spend hours trying to make myself look more masculine.

I've never been comfortable with my body when I'm with lovers or naked with friends, something just never seems to fit and my body feels so awkward and out of place. Lately I've been wondering if I'm never going to find someone who's "suitable" for me, since usually the people I'm most attracted to are homosexual boys that look and act much more feminine than me.  :P

It's not that I wouldn't feel ok about my body when it looks the way I want it to be. But outside of my own place I've always felt somehow guilty for not feeling like a woman, or not looking like a standard woman to others. I'm tall, wide, broad-shouldered... I've never been able to take a compliment that has to do with my femininity, but when people say I look boyish I feel so great, nowadays. :) So clearly this is the right path for me. :)

Wwhile I don't have the kind of dysphoria many others do, I realize I kind of ignore or block out my body a lot.  Even when I fantasize that my body is different, it's less about what my body would be like and more what the setting is and what I'd wear.

"Nina Here Nor There" was quite a good autobiographical story of a gender-variant person with severe dysphoria, trying to figure out her identity and working her way up to top surgery.