Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

*hugs lot* I know it must hurt, but don't let others control how you feel about yourself.

Stick with it. Transition is hard work like anything else. I've contemplated detransition in the sense of it making my life easier but even then I would never give up hormones.

You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two ;)

Maybe you are overthinking this. In almost every similar situation I've found myself in, the person or people in question were not laughing for the reason I thought. Maybe he just doesn't like your sense of fashion or something. Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe he's just the kind of person who laughs at people a lot with no apparent reason.

And even if he did laugh at you... Don't take it too harshly. People who openly laugh at people (unless the situation is also "openly funny") tend to laugh at a lot of people, really. And for an enormous lot of reasons. They're not people you can rely on for a safe opinion of what you actually look like. If that person were specifically expressing transphobia or such, he wouldn't laugh at you. People like that find transsexualism disgusting, sinful, wrong, superficial, etc. but I've never found anyone saying it was "ridiculous" or "laughable". People don't laugh at such things.

I feel so sorry for you Aubrey. I know all too well that struggle to rejoin the 2 halves of oneself after many many years of keeping one of them locked in the cupboard under the attic stairs. It is a ton of work to get reacquainted. The rewards make the effort worthwhile.

For me a lot of that separation started early in life. Not over being trans. I was different in far easier ways to make me a walking target for ridicule and laughter. I did not even want to contemplate the hell my life would be if THAT got out. Yet, when I graduated university I experimented with transitioning. I tried again after my "This should make me normal" practice marriage. Both times I chickening out after just a few too many odd looks. I had already spent 20 years being a target. I wasn't looking forward to a lifetime of it. I didn't wait for the escalation of hostilities. I ran from my dream settling for a pseudo-normal existence as a male. A total liar, a total fake. Nothing to be proud of. Nothing but a life filled with have-to's, diversions and other distractions. A life with no joy.

We know all too well that stopping is not an option. I spent a good 30 years trying my best to be a male. It sucks. Even with the occasional escape. The joy I have been feeling these past 2 years, especially these past 9 months or so as I venture more and more out into the real world as the real me is incredible.

If I heard a snicker, giggle, even outright laughter now at my expense I think all I will feel is an instant of pain. That pain I firmly believe will pass quickly as it is greatly overwhelmed by the joy I feel to finally be out and accepted as the real me. It would only hurt if it came from someone I love and respect, such as my wife. She knows all too well how easy it would be to use that nuclear deterrent against me. She also knows there is no way I can stop feeling how I do. I am trans and there is no way to change that.

Always remember during those hard times how happy you are now and the joy you have to finally be living and accepted in a world as the real you. Words and laughter can only have power over you if YOU and you alone give it that power. If you have been able to get to the point in your journey that you now are, you've overcome some incredibly difficult hurdles most would dare think about trying to, much less accomplish. A nobody neighbor is insignificant in comparison to those.

I have always been very good at planning far ahead of time, but I've never been able to pull things off completely. I always failed at reminding myself of the real reasons behind what I wanted to do when I needed it the most. That moment of extreme clarity and peace of mind that showed me the way and the will. NEVER do that. Focus on what brought you here, what you need or want, and how much have you been thinking about it. Do realize that this is, even with all the hardships and up-and-downs, your true nature. You will have to face your fears, and suffer, and cry, and you'll feel it's not worth it. But this is your life, and you can't let anything or anyone keep you away from that. The day you learn to make amends with yourself will be the day that no stupid neighbors will bring you down like that. You are doing great, but you have to remember, as hard as it sounds, that most people don't really know what it is like to go through something like this, and all the consequences of that behaviour.

Take care, girl.

Quote from: Tyler on June 12, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two ;)

That would have been priceless, Girl i don't know what to tell you except be strong and i know how you feel. I haven't been laughed at but i have a lot of self esteem issues so i know how it feels to think "It really sucks to be TG sometimes".

Quote from: Elena G on June 12, 2012, 08:21:54 PM
I have always been very good at planning far ahead of time, but I've never been able to pull things off completely. I always failed at reminding myself of the real reasons behind what I wanted to do when I needed it the most. That moment of extreme clarity and peace of mind that showed me the way and the will. NEVER do that. Focus on what brought you here, what you need or want, and how much have you been thinking about it. Do realize that this is, even with all the hardships and up-and-downs, your true nature. You will have to face your fears, and suffer, and cry, and you'll feel it's not worth it. But this is your life, and you can't let anything or anyone keep you away from that. The day you learn to make amends with yourself will be the day that no stupid neighbors will bring you down like that. You are doing great, but you have to remember, as hard as it sounds, that most people don't really know what it is like to go through something like this, and all the consequences of that behaviour.

Take care, girl.

Thank you Elena.  That was very well said.  And thanks for the support from everyone.  I swear on Odin's Razor (What??) that my silly little brain is blocking out the first 30 years of my life....... where I was miserable in my GID.  My spiritual growth from then until now gave me so much peace.  Then I dive back into this, with what I thought was better footing, and all the fears came right back out, and that stupid survival mode kicked in....... and just wants me to feel "normal". (Whatever that is.)

And I know he was just laughing at the context of the manly neighbor he once knew to be a woman......... because I know I looked pretty darn good.  I know it's stupid to base my entire upcoming actions on one stupid man with one stupid laugh........ But suddenly I just wonder how I'm going to feel when I simply "can't" go back to male mode when I feel insecure.

I guess I always figured this part to be easy once I got to it.......... and yet it's so much harder than I thought.  I'm not sure which way is up right now.

Crap, I'm pretty whiny tonight, huh?  LOL.  Sorry, this wasn't really supposed to be a "oh woe is me" thread.  I'm just so done with it right now.  I don't want to have to think about my voice.  I don't want to be a "category".  I just really want to be me.  Wow.  I thought the hard part was over.

Time to sit and meditate.........

Quote from: auburnaubrey on June 12, 2012, 08:49:34 PM
Thank you Elena.  That was very well said.  And thanks for the support from everyone.  I swear on Odin's Razor (What??) that my silly little brain is blocking out the first 30 years of my life....... where I was miserable in my GID.  My spiritual growth from then until now gave me so much peace.  Then I dive back into this, with what I thought was better footing, and all the fears came right back out, and that stupid survival mode kicked in....... and just wants me to feel "normal". (Whatever that is.)

And I know he was just laughing at the context of the manly neighbor he once knew to be a woman......... because I know I looked pretty darn good.  I know it's stupid to base my entire upcoming actions on one stupid man with one stupid laugh........ But suddenly I just wonder how I'm going to feel when I simply "can't" go back to male mode when I feel insecure.

I guess I always figured this part to be easy once I got to it.......... and yet it's so much harder than I thought.  I'm not sure which way is up right now.

Crap, I'm pretty whiny tonight, huh?  LOL.  Sorry, this wasn't really supposed to be a "oh woe is me" thread.  I'm just so done with it right now.  I don't want to have to think about my voice.  I don't want to be a "category".  I just really want to be me.  Wow.  I thought the hard part was over.

Time to sit and meditate.........

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI)

This will help you feel better, I listen to it when I feel like that sometimes...

Love,
E.

Honey, there is a -learning- in this, as is with most unsettling situations.

I have neighbour that sounds just like yours. In fact before transitioning he was rude, loud, boisterous, noisy, threatening! In other words something you'd call a red-neck in your part of the world. We call them 'hairy-backs' over here :)

So he LOVES to laugh at me, pointing me out to others - friends of his, that fit his agenda. Though... to boot he always hangs out with VERY HOT CHICKS (short leather hot-pants and 'wife-beaters', hey) and drives the latest HOT cars on the market.

So, he is laughing, even speaking - I guess something derogatory...

I give him my sweetest smile, and blow him a kiss. I am ALWAYS VERY nice to him, and turn his behaviour into some form of compliment in my mind.

Now, just go back to our school days... boys would pull a girls plaits, be VERY offensive, mock, tease and ridicule, but guess what? Most often it was nothing else but some dumb, silly way of getting our attention. Hey, look at ME!!!

I try to feel like a queen (proper!) when I'm given such attention, and just like one, I will wave back as if it NEVER occurred to me that anyone could mean anything else but just ADORE me :)

In closing - you look VERY attractive hon, as seen in your avatar - and I'd be little surprised if his daft, foolish laughing is actually just to cover up for having taken notice of you. He can't pull your plaits now - so he tries something else. Boys will be boys, eh? :)

Axélle

I think Axe'lle has it right. I'd just smile, wave and walk on.  I generally don't care what morons think.

Karen.

Never give up being yourself because someone thinks it's funny. I'd bet that guy doesn't have the guts to even try crossdressing in public. The general population really doesn't know how hard it is to transition. I hope in time he comes to research what it means to be transsexual and that we are simply trying to live our lives as regular folks.

So don't you dare let someone's ignorance hold you back! *hugs*

Quote from: auburnaubrey on June 12, 2012, 07:14:09 PM
I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

If you are fortunate to have some people in community that live in your area, it is good to join them for a meal.
It relieves some anxiety.

It is even better if you can get a mentor.
.........

What's amazing is how we let people that mean nothing to us, bother us.  Did you ever stop to think how pathetic their lives must be if they would laugh at trans people?  One very prominent person in our community tells person that laughs at her, "I am sorry you are suffering very much."  When she does this, person becomes very serious and stops laughing.  She has suffered much and has great compassion for other people.  I admire her very much.

Quote from: wendy on June 13, 2012, 07:23:22 AM
If you are fortunate to have some people in community that live in your area, it is good to join them for a meal.
It relieves some anxiety.

It is even better if you can get a mentor.
.........

What's amazing is how we let people that mean nothing to us, bother us.  Did you ever stop to think how pathetic their lives must be if they would laugh at trans people?  One very prominent person in our community tells person that laughs at her, "I am sorry you are suffering very much."  When she does this, person becomes very serious and stops laughing.  She has suffered much and has great compassion for other people.  I admire her very much.

:D exellent, if we stumble on such an unfortunate soul :)

Your harshest critic has already been silenced, Aubrey - the one inside your head who tells you it's not okay to be yourself. That one is the one who is with you in the small hours of the night, when the world, and those in it are just a distant memory. You've given yourself permission to be you. That's all you need.

People act that way because they expect a reaction. It isn't that your neighbour found something amusing, it's that he wanted you to know it - and to revel in your reaction of discomfort and awkwardness. The best reaction you can show to people like that is kindness, and being nice. It's disarming, and when your reaction is one of quiet dignity and warmth, they don't know how to handle it. The whole scenario has been thrown on its head and you're the one who is empowered instead. Don't fight fire with fire - firefighters use water.

"The best revenge is a happy life" -- someone far more clever than I.

Listen to the fool's reproach! it is a kingly title! (William Blake)

QuotePeople act that way because they expect a reaction. It isn't that your neighbour found something amusing, it's that he wanted you to know it - and to revel in your reaction of discomfort and awkwardness. The best reaction you can show to people like that is kindness, and being nice. It's disarming, and when your reaction is one of quiet dignity and warmth, they don't know how to handle it.

This is so true. The very worst thing you can do to an intended insult is to brush it off as if it couldn't possibly have been an insult. It really deflates the person intending to cause offence.

My fav was when I was out WALKING in male mode in the past and would get stuff yelled at me out of cars. Only complete fairy-pants sissies walk anywhere in my country; REALly insecure men drive cars and yell or honk at people who don't so they can feel even more masculine. I used to get upset, but eventually worked out that they must have been yelling or honking because they thought I was so cool they wanted my attention..... so I gave them huge waves and smiles in return.

From your beautiful profile picture I'm surprised he isn't trying to ask you out instead (bet others are, or will, soon)! :) Not that I would wish it upon you to have someone annoying like that trying to ask you out though......

Thanks everyone.  I did what I normally do in either mode with him.  Smile, wave, and ask how he's doing.  It did rock me to the core for some reason, and I am fully aware that that reason is in me, and has nothing to do with him.

I may put off my FFS.  Not sure yet.  Today was ok, but I am drowning in questions that I don't seem to have answers to.  Most of it is just me mind f-ing myself.  I know this.  I just needed to have a better day today than yesterday, and that was accomplished.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and the nice compliments.  It means a lot.  Hormonal and upset is a crazy combination!

Quote from: Tyler on June 12, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two ;)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smakynet.com%2Fimages%2Fhello.gif&hash=4eb1a6f8f195c3402626816cdf7ba516b213b544)

:D

Yes...own it!  Be strong.  Be happy!  :D

yeah. just keep moving foward. hang out with good friends, and go do stuff. surf, skydiving, the theme part movies, whatever. if your cool with yourself, alot of times others will be too. hey on my next school break we could even plan like a 10 people beach party r something in good old Florida. :)

Quote from: Tyler on June 12, 2012, 07:44:47 PM
You should have stared at him and laughed loudly back. Probably would have taught him a thing or two ;) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smakynet.com%2Fimages%2Fhello.gif&hash=4eb1a6f8f195c3402626816cdf7ba516b213b544)

Definitely....own it!  :D

Quote from: Tristan on June 14, 2012, 09:47:56 AM
yeah. just keep moving foward. hang out with good friends, and go do stuff. surf, skydiving, the theme part movies, whatever. if your cool with yourself, alot of times others will be too. hey on my next school break we could even plan like a 10 people beach party r something in good old Florida. :)

Well, I am moving forward.  I awoke with some very nice peace today.  Luckily, I have GREAT friends. (Haven't lost a single friend.).. So I'm moving forward... maybe a little slower though.  I'm still doing my FFS, but I think I'm going to wait to do my BA. (I'd rather do that with a doctor near me anyway...  Besides, Miami plastic surgeons know a thing or two about BA!) 

So, I'm back on track.  I'll look at that fear and conquer it once and for all, now that I know where it's coming from!

Thanks for everyone's support.....  You rock!

Quote from: auburnAubrey on June 14, 2012, 10:30:37 AM
Well, I am moving forward.  I awoke with some very nice peace today.  Luckily, I have GREAT friends. (Haven't lost a single friend.).. So I'm moving forward... maybe a little slower though.  I'm still doing my FFS, but I think I'm going to wait to do my BA. (I'd rather do that with a doctor near me anyway...  Besides, Miami plastic surgeons know a thing or two about BA!) 

So, I'm back on track.  I'll look at that fear and conquer it once and for all, now that I know where it's coming from!

Thanks for everyone's support.....  You rock!

yes the do. a miami doc did my tata's as well. and i love them!

Quote from: Tristan on June 14, 2012, 09:47:56 AM
yeah. just keep moving foward. hang out with good friends, and go do stuff. surf, skydiving, the theme part movies, whatever. if your cool with yourself, alot of times others will be too. hey on my next school break we could even plan like a 10 people beach party r something in good old Florida. :)

I like parties.  Ten people might be a tad conservative.  Miami is a long drive and I am in neighboring state.

Well some things are nice.  Are we allowed to have fun?

To hell with that douchebag. Don't let him rain on your parade. You are doing what you have to do and what you want to do and he's only threatened cause he probably fancies you or whatever.

You ladies are absolutely amazing.

That's all.


- Nico

Aubrey. You rock! Keep on moving forward sister.

My thoughts are with you.  Continue to find your strength.  Don't know what else to say, may good luck and providence be your constant companions.  Same to everyone who goes this route.  ^_^

I spent most of my life trapped in a life I didnt want and couldnt cope living in. Now I've almost reached the beginning of my real life. I've cried a lot because of the trials I've faced. I've felt joy that I never thought I could feel in the milestones of my journey.

Just getting my name changed across 2 continents has been a bittersweet victory. My Parents live in Scotland and Germany. Even as I was typing this I was texting my Dad that it's done. While I felt such relief and happiness in getting my social security card, it feels kind of empty without them here to have come with me. And I felt like I was putting the final nail in his son's coffin when I told him.

He said: Then it would seem that I have less of David in all ways.
me:  Perhaps... But you have more of me.

Dad:  Got to get back to work.  Have a great day young lady.   Love you xxx
me:  I love you too Dad, very much. Don't work too hard. xxx

I was crying as we talked. I think it was the finality of it really. lol.

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. I think if there's one thing being trans will do, it's test your convictions, your morality and relationships. But in the end, despite any tears, you come out a better person. You come out of these trials as yourself.

I can't think of any given moment in time that it doesn't suck to be transsexual.

Quote from: Keaira on June 15, 2012, 04:04:56 AM
I spent most of my life trapped in a life I didnt want and couldnt cope living in. Now I've almost reached the beginning of my real life. I've cried a lot because of the trials I've faced. I've felt joy that I never thought I could feel in the milestones of my journey.

Just getting my name changed across 2 continents has been a bittersweet victory. My Parents live in Scotland and Germany. Even as I was typing this I was texting my Dad that it's done. While I felt such relief and happiness in getting my social security card, it feels kind of empty without them here to have come with me. And I felt like I was putting the final nail in his son's coffin when I told him.

He said: Then it would seem that I have less of David in all ways.
me:  Perhaps... But you have more of me.

Dad:  Got to get back to work.  Have a great day young lady.   Love you xxx
me:  I love you too Dad, very much. Don't work too hard. xxx

I was crying as we talked. I think it was the finality of it really. lol.

Nothing worth having ever comes easy. I think if there's one thing being trans will do, it's test your convictions, your morality and relationships. But in the end, despite any tears, you come out a better person. You come out of these trials as yourself.

Thank you for sharing.  I told my 81 year old dad because I was going down to see him with two grown children.  He told me that he would have preferred to die and not know.  He was only person to tell me my feminized face looks ugly.
..............

Community is nice and I have fun with them.


....

Quote from: wendy on June 15, 2012, 07:31:31 AM
Thank you for sharing.  I told my 81 year old dad because I was going down to see him with two grown children.  He told me that he would have preferred to die and not know.  He was only person to tell me my feminized face looks ugly.

You know that came from what's inside him, and not what's inside you, right?

People always fear what they don't understand... and that fear comes out in awful ways sometimes...

Just like my fear (and perhaps all of our fears) in transition comes out in crappy ways. (crying, bitching, etc)

Doesn't excuse it, but just look at it as a man with fear inside, and then find compassion for him not being able to find the strength to conquer that fear like you did.

Quote from: crazy old bat on June 15, 2012, 07:29:57 AM
I can't think of any given moment in time that it doesn't suck to be transsexual.

Dogs are nice.

Community is nice.

Frankly I do not want to go back.

I love every morning not having to shave my face.   :)

I continue to love to dream and my dreams are more beautiful.

Young children totally accept me and I can make them laugh.

I am blessed because I experience things only a few of us understand.

Guess what?  Sometime it sucks not to be a transsexual!

Think of all those guys that make fun of us and want to be girls! :)

You have to laugh.  Life can be funny!

Each time a guy makes fun of us picture them in a BoPeep outfit.

In August I am going to Seattle for a high school reunion, of course I have to visit and stay with my parents one night, I just know the second I walk in the door my over critical mother will be all over me about my longer hair! There is no way on earth I am telling them about the reason it's longer...I can't even begin to explain how awful that scene would be.
Of course this trip has to be in full boy mode...ugh :(

I would so love to go to the reunion with my head held high in my cutest outfit with perfect hair and makeup! That would be oh so much fun! :)
From the pix I have seen of my old classmates, time has not been very kind to them....these are the same guys that all thru the school years would tease by calling me Michelle instead of Michael....well, look at me now guys! And you already know my name!!  Bitter? Who me? ;)

Just found this thread.

Aubrey you are a very good looking woman, your neighbour is probably as jealous as hell. People whom are confident in themselves don't want or need to be rude to others because it doesn't accomplish anything. So people who are rude to us are usually jealous of us. It fits into the same sort of Gay bashing religious fanatics who are themselves Gay; and scared.
As for Axelle's hairy backed person (like that term BTW Sis) it is pretty obvious that he is either impotent or inadequate. The only reason men keep picking up woman who dress like that is that they cannot relate to woman, they just want fantasy people.

Michelle,
I realise your parents are a separate issue and I do not know the problems that exist. But please please woman go to your class reunion as Michelle, spend some cash and get a professional make over, look and present like the red carpet girl. Rub their snouts into it.

Goddess that would be so liberating and so empowering.

Go girl go!!

Cindy

I am a sham and a complete failure.  Transition has been so expensive and there have been so many sacrifices that I have nothing and by the looks of it I will never have anything ever, not even a decent Social Security pay out.  I remember before transition, thinking that god had cursed me.  When I transitioned I no longer believed in god and that gave me the strength to do what I needed to do (transition).

But my life is a joke.  I have posted on this forum and other forums talking about living as one's true sex after transition but the truth is no one will allow me to do that.  Tonight I was outted on the job as a ->-bleeped-<- and due to the nature of my job it is now unsafe for me to continue working there so I have no job and I am deep in debt.  This is my third strike BTW, I'm out.

Transition was a waste of effort for me.  I will never be allowed to be who I am.  The cold reality is that's how it goes sometimes.  And maybe I was expecting too much or maybe I needed too much out of transition.

Anyway, if anyone needs a good laugh you can laugh at me.  I am tired of struggling just to have next to nothing and I will welcome death with open arms when it finally comes.

Also I shouldn't post this.  Everyone who reads it will hear something different.  Everyone is right and nobody is wrong and being wrong is right because everyone is right all the time cause we are all just doing our own thing.  And no one understands me but that's because I'm different and we can all share but no one will understand.

Noey,

I'm sorry about your employment and financial issues. it can happen to the best of us. I know how hard it can be when your co-workers know you are trans. It really does suck. I've been there and still am. But, while you consider your future, don't write it off just yet. Part of the sad truth is that part of being trans is being able to tough out some pretty hairy situations. It's why we have such a high suicide rate. Between a world that think we are freaks and porn stars and the loss we endure, I almost feel like it's a trial that most Navy Seals couldn't pass.

So don't let them win and drive you down. Get up, dust yourself off and just be you! No one is better at it than you! *hugs*

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 16, 2012, 05:05:10 AM
I am a sham and a complete failure.  Transition has been so expensive and there have been so many sacrifices that I have nothing and by the looks of it I will never have anything ever, not even a decent Social Security pay out.  I remember before transition, thinking that god had cursed me.  When I transitioned I no longer believed in god and that gave me the strength to do what I needed to do (transition).

But my life is a joke.  I have posted on this forum and other forums talking about living as one's true sex after transition but the truth is no one will allow me to do that.  Tonight I was outted on the job as a ->-bleeped-<- and due to the nature of my job it is now unsafe for me to continue working there so I have no job and I am deep in debt.  This is my third strike BTW, I'm out.

Transition was a waste of effort for me.  I will never be allowed to be who I am.  The cold reality is that's how it goes sometimes.  And maybe I was expecting too much or maybe I needed too much out of transition.

Anyway, if anyone needs a good laugh you can laugh at me.  I am tired of struggling just to have next to nothing and I will welcome death with open arms when it finally comes.

Also I shouldn't post this.  Everyone who reads it will hear something different.  Everyone is right and nobody is wrong and being wrong is right because everyone is right all the time cause we are all just doing our own thing.  And no one understands me but that's because I'm different and we can all share but no one will understand.

Noey, hang in there.  One of the toughest things about going through the transition is never backing down, keep fighting.

When there is LOTS of rain it often feels there will NEVER be any sun again - then surprise, surprise it will show up.
If we down in the dumps it feels just like that... then something better will come along.

Remember "If the world got you down on your knees – you're in an excellent position for prayer and supplication"

And! "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometime you will find, you get what you NEED.."

Don't pray for something you do not really need/want, think about it - .

Maybe, just maybe ... this job is NOT exactly what you NEED... and I'm NOT speaking of finances here.
I had jobs I didn't 'need' - and I also 'lost' them, for better or for worse.

Hang in there, and get a rest –.
A tired mind is prone to see things a lot more negative.
Hugs,
Axélle

I agree with Axelle', that sounds like a job I wouldn't want to be in regardless of my circumstances.
You are not a sham and failure. 
As it seems the people around you don't appreciate your worth, is it possible to move somewhere more friendly?  It's a big thing to do I'll admit, but I moved interstate and started a new life once I had decided to live as me.

Karen.

Noey,

I know you probably don't want to hear this right now, but you, by your very existance, are in intregal part of the Universe.  We all are.  And although all our paths are different, there is purpose in us, and for us all.

If you feel that alone, try to get to a support group just to find people who do accept you.  (And know that all of us here accept you, so you are not alone.)  Sometimes that goes a long way.

It is an extremely difficult path we have.  Many times, we don't have any answers.  But happiness can only begin within ourselves, because it does not rest in things, people, or money.  Try to start looking and feeling for that peace inside.

For you are good, you are important, and there's a very real reason you are here.  And it's not a painful one.

I wish you luck on your path.

XO

Honey - don't put off ANYTHING!

Be the woman you are - get that body remodeled!

Yes it SUX sometimes, but don't suffer fools!  They carry their own poisons in their systems that will eventually be their sad ending.

Lizzy

Needing money, a job, an education even, are such socially-constructed concepts that are defined as "needs," but are they really?

I know I have cried myself to sleep over the fact that money, and the lack thereof, hindered my development big time, but I got over it, because I realized that money is NOT important. What is important is other people who love you. Love will always be the most powerful force that unites mankind.

So, if you feel stressed that money is getting in the way, just remind yourself of those who love you and will be there for you no matter what. Even if it looks like there is no one, I can assure you that there are, if you look hard enough. Just on this forum, there are people here who care, even though none of them have probably never met you in real life. But based on your words, they share your struggle, and thus, they know what you're going through. That in itself is something that unites you in the closest of ways that we as people can. Empathy.

So, hang in there, love. Help, time, and comfort, will always be given to those who ask. Also remember that after the hurricane, comes a rainbow. :)

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 16, 2012, 05:05:10 AM
I am a sham and a complete failure.  Transition has been so expensive and there have been so many sacrifices that I have nothing and by the looks of it I will never have anything ever, not even a decent Social Security pay out.  I remember before transition, thinking that god had cursed me.  When I transitioned I no longer believed in god and that gave me the strength to do what I needed to do (transition).

But my life is a joke.  I have posted on this forum and other forums talking about living as one's true sex after transition but the truth is no one will allow me to do that.  Tonight I was outted on the job as a ->-bleeped-<- and due to the nature of my job it is now unsafe for me to continue working there so I have no job and I am deep in debt.  This is my third strike BTW, I'm out.

Transition was a waste of effort for me.  I will never be allowed to be who I am.  The cold reality is that's how it goes sometimes.  And maybe I was expecting too much or maybe I needed too much out of transition.

Anyway, if anyone needs a good laugh you can laugh at me.  I am tired of struggling just to have next to nothing and I will welcome death with open arms when it finally comes.

Also I shouldn't post this.  Everyone who reads it will hear something different.  Everyone is right and nobody is wrong and being wrong is right because everyone is right all the time cause we are all just doing our own thing.  And no one understands me but that's because I'm different and we can all share but no one will understand.

There isn't really anything I can say which won't sound trite, except that going by your previous posts, I find it hard to believe that you transitioned for the benefit of other people, or in order to be given permission to be you. You have a fire inside you and a self-belief which leads me to feel that no matter what else you may think about yourself - being a sham isn't part of it. At all.

I just hope that, when the dust settles and you are able to take stock of things, you can rediscover even a spark of that passion and that inner certainty because whether you know it or not, you've inspired quite a few people here with your outlook. Maybe you can use your eloquence and gift with the written word in some way. Forge a new path for yourself helping others. I think you would be rather good at it.

You're not a failure for giving it your all and striving to be yourself no matter what life throws at you. No matter what anyone says about you, or thinks about you, that alone has shown courage, determination, motivation and will. Others will only see what's skin deep. They may be able to look in your eyes but only you can see what's behind them. The important part of yourself - the driving force which made it all a reality in the first place. And no one can take that away from you.

*big hug*

We need more, "it feels great to be a transsexual" posts. I am just starting transition, and majority of posts are only wearing me out. But I just hope majority of the people are actually happier, and would do anything to stay that way :) And others hang in there, we not only fight to change our appearances, but also to change society as a whole.

Quote from: anita on June 17, 2012, 03:21:15 PM
We need more, "it feels great to be a transsexual" posts. I am just starting transition, and majority of posts are only wearing me out.

Well, don't let it wear you out.  There are good days, and bad days, just like in everyday life.  But these boards also act as a support group.  A way to let out your frustrations to people who actually know a little about what you're going through.   Because most people in our lives don't.  How can they?  I mean, even here, we all have different experiences, each as unique as ourselves.

If you're just starting out your transition, I really hope everything is seamless and easy for you.  But for those that it's not, and for those that have bad days (Like my post that started it here when my neighbor laughed at me, and I was hormonal and emotional at the same time, and broke down), it's good sometimes just to have people who know tell you it's going to be ok... People who know exactly what that moment was like.

It's not meant to get you down, it's meant to help you if you get down.  That's one of the reasons we are all here.  The community has to support each other, good or bad.

Good luck on your path dear.  I wish you nothing but the best.  But if you do have a bad day, I promise I wil be there with support for you. :)

XO

Quote from: anita on June 17, 2012, 03:21:15 PM
We need more, "it feels great to be a transsexual" posts. I am just starting transition, and majority of posts are only wearing me out. But I just hope majority of the people are actually happier, and would do anything to stay that way :) And others hang in there, we not only fight to change our appearances, but also to change society as a whole.

Shouldn't people be honest?  Wouldn't it be deceptive to lure people into transitioning, causing them to think it's all sunshine and rainbows?  That strikes me as evil.

And honestly for transsexuals transition is about changing your body, not changing society.  Have you ever tried to change someone else?  It's not gonna happen.  The more you try to change someone they more they will resist.  Try being an example instead.  Seeking acceptance will result in non-acceptance.  Instead try showing people you are kind, compassionate and reliable.  Because no one really gives a squat about anything else.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 04:48:51 PM

Shouldn't people be honest?  Wouldn't it be deceptive to lure people into transitioning, causing them to think it's all sunshine and rainbows?  That strikes me as evil.

And honestly for transsexuals transition is about changing your body, not changing society.  Have you ever tried to change someone else?  It's not gonna happen.  The more you try to change someone they more they will resist.  Try being an example instead.  Seeking acceptance will result in non-acceptance.  Instead try showing people you are kind, compassionate and reliable.  Because no one really gives a squat about anything else.

Hehe, I was only telling people write only their worries. Happy people don't generally come back to this forum and say hey I am doing great :). Well some do, and support others in distress. But the question people like me have, will all this be worth all the effort. Is the general happiness going to be higher? I guess it will be.

And thanks aubrey for offering support :). It is nice to have so many people caring for everyone who has a problem. So in general I think it is great :)

About changing society, I also include giving courage to other transgendered women out there. In fact I think most people are good people, just misoriented, so I still believe it is possible to change people individually. Changing society is automatic, things will always be better than how it was. The more information that is out there, the better it gets. I may be wrong, but I don't want to hijack this thread for a philosophical discussion on macro economics.

What I have found to be true is that educating people about transsexuality makes it impossible for transsexuals to integrate into society as their true sex.  Continued raising of trans-awareness is the greatest threat to anyone who needs to live as his or her true sex, unless that individual passes PERFECTLY which is pretty rare.

We could have had a world where someone like myself might have endured some trying times with the goal of eventually fitting in.  Now the ability to do that has been torn from me by those who think they are doing us a favor.  Thanks a lot.  Thanks for telling my oppressors that I exist and thanks for making sure they know how to identify me.

Sorry... don't take it personally.  But that is my reality.  That is the reality I have been dealing with since 1999.

And you don't give away "courage" by tossing it from a Pride Parade float.

You can't give away courage.  Courage is a product of overcoming fears.  Not by pretending they don't exist.  By realizing that fear tends to be lack of knowledge and lack of experience and the only cure to fear is knowledge and experience.

I am sick of people wanting to fool-proof the world.  Making it so no one has to think or be careful.  Safety glass, safety locks, gun control...  Creating an environment where idiots can thrive.  No more evolution only a Society in continued decline.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 05:54:46 PM
What I have found to be true is that educating people about transsexuality makes it impossible for transsexuals to integrate into society as their true sex.  Continued raising of trans-awareness is the greatest threat to anyone who needs to live as his or her true sex, unless that individual passes PERFECTLY which is pretty rare.

We could have had a world where someone like myself might have endured some trying times with the goal of eventually fitting in.  Now the ability to do that has been torn from me by those who think they are doing us a favor.  Thanks a lot.  Thanks for telling my oppressors that I exist and thanks for making sure they know how to identify me.

Sorry... don't take it personally.  But that is my reality.  That is the reality I have been dealing with since 1999.

Sorry, I don't know what to say. But I had to educate my friends so that I can continue to be their friends. And every one so far has been accepting. But it hard for me to do it all over again for every single person. At those times I wished there was better awareness. I do not plan to go on stealth, I love my friends, my life. What do I know of reality, things might get worse when it is more public knowledge, right now only my closest friends and family know. I think this will be my last post in this thread.

Quote from: anita on June 17, 2012, 06:41:05 PM
Sorry, I don't know what to say. But I had to educate my friends so that I can continue to be their friends. And every one so far has been accepting. But it hard for me to do it all over again for every single person. At those times I wished there was better awareness. I do not plan to go on stealth, I love my friends, my life. What do I know of reality, things might get worse when it is more public knowledge, right now only my closest friends and family know. I think this will be my last post in this thread.

Like I say often, we are all like books in a library.  Sure, we're all books, but all our stories are different.  I too, am not leaving work, (Close to 700 employees), or my friends, or shop at a different grocery store.  Work has been nothing short of amazing... which shocked me very much.

It is a difficult balance, to a) want to fit in, and b) have people understand that there is nothing wrong with transsexuality.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 05:54:46 PM
What I have found to be true is that educating people about transsexuality makes it impossible for transsexuals to integrate into society as their true sex. 

And this is the dual edge sword we are faced with.  If we brought awareness and understanding to people, then you wouldn't have had to go through all that.  And yet, because it's difficult for people to understand, we also want to live in stealth, and not say anything, so we don't have the discrimination.

There are no right or wrong answers here, only personal choices.  But we all must respect the choices that we as transgendered people make individually, or we're no better than those that don't respect our decision to transition.

And Anita, whether it is "worth it" or not for you to transition lies solely within you.  One of the other benefits of reading about other people's troubles is that it may help you avoid a similar situation in your life.  We can learn from everyone and every situation.

You will have great days, and some not so great days.  It happens.  But it happens with non TG people too...... so even in that, we are not alone.

(Guess I'm in a peaceful mood tonight..... writing is flowing!  ;D )

Oh my goodness, Aubrey... you are so pretty!  Transition is a little like being born again.  It's startling, confusing, painful, scary and exhilarating. You are going to be so AMAZING on the other end... and make no mistake, transition does end... and then you are simply Aubrey.  The doubts fade away.  The naysayers get bored.  And life settles down and becomes as beautiful as you are... if you simply relax and allow it to be.

You go girl!

Peace,
Miharu

Quote from: auburnAubrey on June 17, 2012, 07:54:52 PM

And this is the dual edge sword we are faced with. 

I am thinking mainly of the trillions of YouTube videos and of trans porn.  Of course our family and friends need to be educated.  It is the idea that the entire world needs to be spoon-fed an comprehensive introduction to Trans 101 that is flawed.

People who are continually pointing out how they are different, expecting to fit in with everyone else.  I can't remember the last time I was expected to sit through a documentary on breast cancer survivors and how to accept them.  I mean what they go through can be highly traumatic and stigmatic.

I think what bothers me about trans documentaries, blogs, youtubes, websites... etc.  is the belief by the persons doing them that they are breaking virgin soil and doing something incredible and monumental.  When really it amounts to some paperwork and taking a pill or getting a shot every so often.  As a group of people we tend to be a little too impressed with ourselves.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 05:54:46 PM
What I have found to be true is that educating people about transsexuality makes it impossible for transsexuals to integrate into society as their true sex.  Continued raising of trans-awareness is the greatest threat to anyone who needs to live as his or her true sex, unless that individual passes PERFECTLY which is pretty rare.

We could have had a world where someone like myself might have endured some trying times with the goal of eventually fitting in.  Now the ability to do that has been torn from me by those who think they are doing us a favor.  Thanks a lot.  Thanks for telling my oppressors that I exist and thanks for making sure they know how to identify me.

Sorry... don't take it personally.  But that is my reality.  That is the reality I have been dealing with since 1999.

Like Aubery said this is very much a dual edge sword, especially for us dinosaurs. Back in 1970 it was a far different world. Deep stealth, or Tunnel Bunny, were about your only two options. Only thanks to the brave souls such as Christine Jorgenson, Tula, Rene Richards, and countless others that helped raise awareness of transsexualism made it possible for others 10-20-30-40 years later to have some level of personal safety and a life with less fear and ridicule then those had that preceded them.

The brave people out there that advocate and educate I totally applaud, look up to and wish some day I may be brave enough to feel I earned to the right to stand beside them. What they do only helps those that desire to do stealth. Do not delude yourself, no matter how stealth you think you are, you pretty much have a history of otherwise. Every TS faces the same dilemma in any serious relationship. "Do you tell or don't you?" We all don't really want to in a perfect world. The fact is you cannot not tell. If a gyno can tell if it aint original equipment, so can a lot of guys no matter how much you paid for it. 

Would you rather have have someone cut you some slack for being tall, bigger boned, odd hands, big feet, having prominent pre-orbitbal ridges, a slight adam's apple, a voice that isn't quite right, or countless other "tells"; or, just scream out "Hey, lookie what we have here!"?

If someone wants to be out it is their choice. Their advocating and educating cannot change in any way how I present. Their educating utimately benefits me.  When I am venturing out in the real world finally being be who I always wished I can be,  I don't wear a sign that says "Hey! I am trans". I constantly take a chance on being read. That is in no way affected by any of my dear friends that are also advocates. I know, deeply respect, look up to, admire, and hope some day to fully emulate several women in my TG group who are not ashamed to be who they are. I spent 50 years being ashamed and guilty. I am not happy about being trans, nor am I anywhere near ashamed as I once was.

I don't see being trans becoming mainstream anytime soon, if ever. Let's face it, almost anything "different" according to societal norms is looked down on. As much as being trans sucks, I see it as also being a great reward and blessing. We see the world in far broader spectrum then most others. This gift of sight is precious. This great gift also brings a great burden. It is human nature to complain about how difficult something is. Rarely does anyone extoll on the greatness of anything except perhaps the Sham-Wow guy.

Quote from: anita on June 17, 2012, 03:21:15 PM
We need more, "it feels great to be a transsexual" posts. I am just starting transition, and majority of posts are only wearing me out. But I just hope majority of the people are actually happier, and would do anything to stay that way :) And others hang in there, we not only fight to change our appearances, but also to change society as a whole.

Anita if you can find some people similar to yourself that makes journey easier.  You can test things with a friend. 90% never fully transition and I see many friends that seem to have found a level of comfort that is less than total transition.  It is not right or wrong but just is.  Your own attitude affects your level of comfort.

Quote from: Noey Nooneson on June 17, 2012, 10:06:00 PM
I think what bothers me about trans documentaries, blogs, youtubes, websites... etc.  is the belief by the persons doing them that they are breaking virgin soil and doing something incredible and monumental.  When really it amounts to some paperwork and taking a pill or getting a shot every so often.  As a group of people we tend to be a little too impressed with ourselves.

To be fair though, people put just about anything on youtube nowadays. Or in blogs. It's pretty much how the world is evolving in the digital age. It's basically a modern, public form of keeping a diary. I mean, even the word 'blog' is derived from 'web log', a place for people to log stuff that's going on with them. I bet if you ran a search on the Tube, you could find a load of videos of people clipping their toenails, or some other equally mundane task. Maybe in some cases, rather than it being because it's seen as groundbreaking, it's more the reverse, at least as far as online goes, and it's just another part of people's lives for them to document for posterity on the medium that they use the most. Although for others, their lives may be such that it actually is a monumental thing within their own world, even if not the wider world in general.

Nevertheless, web sources aren't really mandatory reading or viewing. Even if people post videos or blogs, you still have to go looking for them. So it's really a choice about how much of it you want to be exposed to. In order to access the vast majority of trans related content, you kinda have to want to be interested in it to start with.

Hmmm... good point. I'm gonna google up some youtubes of toenail clipping.

Okay, I searched YouTube for videos of toenail clipping using the search terms toenail + clipping and I got 2280 results.  And of those results the videos were like how to clip the toenails on different types of animals mostly and some genuine self help type stuff and for people in wheel chairs.

I typed in transsexual and searched YouTube and came up with 35,200 results beginning with

Transsexual Alyssa Luxor in cute pink bra and panty ;)

♚ My Boy to Girl Transsexual Evolution Timeline ♚

The eroticization of M2F transsexuals by straight men

Ask A Transsexual: Anal Orgasm, Straight Guys and Castration

9 months of my transition: MTF Transsexual (Tear Jerker)

First Sexual Experience for this Transsexual.MOV

Transsexual Voice... From sexy and sleek to monstrously deep.

Compared to...

DIY: Nail Clipping

Dad's Toenail Clipping Dec 07.mpg

Nail clipping the easy way (starring Noch) <--- Dog

How to train your dog to relax for nail clipping


I think the worst is trans porn.  Women are degraded by porn, objectified... but there are a lot of women in people's lives to counter the porn.  Moms, grandmothers, coworkers, fellow students...  But people may not see that many transsexuals so the general consensus regarding trans women is formed from porn and it is assumed that trans women are just horny men who like to wear women's clothes and take estrogen, wear makeup, get surgeries...  The thing is youtube reinforces this belief, substantiates it.

Quote from: JoanneB on June 17, 2012, 10:28:18 PM

I don't see being trans becoming mainstream anytime soon, if ever.

It already had it's fifteen minutes of fame.  And many people transitioned because there was such a thing.  Not because they needed to.  Fortunately mainstream has tired of it for the most part.  Well then again there was that recent John Travolta scandal...

I'm kind of agreeing with Noey on several things.  I've found that the less people know about anything trans, the better the interaction with them is and the more accepting they seem to be. I'm not a fan of some of the documentaries as it makes it appear as if some of our most private stuff is open for others to know and it gives people the impression that its ok to ask extremely personal questions.   

I only ever talk trans stuff with a gay friend of mine and to be honest, even that often enough has problems so I generally steer it to something else before he ticks me off again, lol.  He thinks he gets it, but in reality, he's really not.

Well...  I was fired from one job for being trans (no reason given) directly after being outed.  And I was forced out of two other jobs.  I realize I wasn't working in a conventional industry and a lot of my coworkers are of questionable character and very catty, back-stabbing women.

Anyway... I presented myself as female (and I believe I am female), transitioned.. had surgery, etc.  Believe that somehow I have always been female hence the transition thing...

Anyway often times women play on the ego of males.  After the rumors about me being trans circulated at my most recent job one of my coworkers approached me and said, "Did you used to be a man?"  And I was like, "No."  And then she was like... "Oh come on, you are way too pretty to be a real woman."  And I was like, "Well sorry... don't know what to tell you."  And then she was like, "Oh it would be so hot and sexy if you used to be a man."  O_o ...

That same night one of my other coworkers (who I had never spoken to before) said, "So... did you go to the pride parade?"  And I was like, "Why would I go to a pride parade, I'm not a lesbian?"  And she was like, "You know why."  And I was like, "I'm not into that."  And then she was like, "We have a lot in common, I dated a hermaphrodite once." 

Someone from my previous job had showed up at my new job and informed everyone of the rumors that were accepted as truth at my old job (causing me to be forced out of that job).

The goal was to get me to confess, so they could destroy my ability to compete financially.  They are ALWAYS successful.  All it takes is a rumor to destroy everything I ever worked for.  All it takes is a rumor to undo hours and hours of FFS surgery.  One rumor and everything about me is fake and I'm just a man again.

I know it's hard for some people to fathom a job like that.  I feel like I already provided too much information though so if you can't figure it out, sorry.  Not everyone punches a time card or works at a place that protects you and some jobs rely heavily on your being female in order to be successful.  Think adult entertainment type jobs.  Not all of us have a fancy degree nor can all of us pay our bills with an entry level job at a fast food chain.  Sometimes when you transition you have to take whatever job you can get.

Without trans awareness I would probably have a job right now and the quality of life I experienced in the last few years would probably have been much kinder and gentler.  As it is every new job I am able to find is temporary because it's just a matter of time before someone out's me or starts a rumor.

And I don't know how to rid myself of my anger and hatred for people anymore.  Especially the nasty women who were given everything on a silver platter so they could take a dump on me whenever the opportunity presents itself.  I can only hope they suffer miserable lives and burn for eternity in some hell dimension.

A simple fact of life is that we are all in the state of transition we are in because our "Walk abouts" through our lives brought us here.    We are transgender males and females because we are transgender males and female.  Some of us began this journey out in the open when we were young and some of us when we were a lot older.    We are here because that is who we are.   Many of us have tried to some how live in the gender we are not.    But we couldn't.   Some of us have much history in the gender we are not and carry tons of baggage from it.  Those who started their journey in their youth have less baggage and probably less financial security.   

I have a sneaking feeling though I may be perfectly wrong that there were some very insightful people who always saw us trying to be the gender we are not,  and were seriously puzzled as to why we didn't just be who we are.    I know its a struggle that lasts along time for I am 65.   But the feelings are coming over me stronger every day since I threw in the towel and told my whole world on Facebook and Myspace that I am a transgender female.  I am feeling stronger as a female everyday.   Even though I have never taken hormones but I live in a padded bra, I am feeling right not as if my breasts are going to break out all over.

I am really not trying to tell anyone how to live out their lives or that their fears are wrong for I have plenty of fears.   But we all know that transitioning from the gender we are not to the gender we really are is the hardest most difficult change anyone will ever be expected to do because the world's gender stereotypes are set in concrete and the line between the genders is never supposed to be crossed according to the bigots.   

But our journey through life has lead across that boundary and no matter what side of the nonexistent gender fence we wind up on in the end we will never be the same because of our journey.   So traverse your journey with love and joy in your heart because the light that radiates from you will expose the non existence of that mythical gender fence and free us all to be, just be ourselves, whatever that is.

These are just thoughts from an old transgender grandma which are meant to wander through the mists in hopes that it helps somebody make more sense of their lives.

Everyone.......

Awareness is not the problem.  It never has been.  People are the problem.  Awareness awakens the true and just in people who are true and just.  Even if they don't understand, they will accept, and also fight for your rights.  For the people who are not true and just, and are filled with hatred and bigotry, then the opposite happens.

But this happens with EVERYTHING.  And awareness is important.  Without it, we wouldn't have equal rights, women's rights, protection from disease, voters rights, effects of smoking, or drug use, use of asbestos and lead paint, and even humanitarian efforts, just to name a few.  And while we may not have a lot of protection, the protection we do have is because of awareness.

You just can't clump awareness into a category by itself, because it is solely inside the individual what they do with the information presented to them.

And my last point on it..... if it wasn't for awareness, I would have never known there was anyone else out there like me, or even a name for what I was going though, let alone help and resources for me.  And I'll assume that goes for a lot of you, if not all of you.  Because at some point, you were made aware that you were not alone in this.

  I was in a campout event hosted by a bunch of Colorado Springs people this past weekend and had some of the most negative responses to being transgender to date.  Think, the hometown of the Focus on the Family.  An old still practicing RN I knew and liked didn't know too much about my condition, even though she had some late night trauma experience that would expose her to transgender people.  I had to educate her on my condition, including the quirks of the endocrine system.  My Nurse Practitioner doctor knows a lot about the transgender condition and is still learning. 
  Most others at that event more or less accepted my transition and was business as usual.  There were two though.  Either person is religious, but they got their own beliefs.  One of them did sabotage my astro-imaging efforts by blocking my view of the southern night sky with his large RV.  I imaged elsewhere in the sky. 
  Joelene

Quote from: auburnAubrey on June 18, 2012, 03:11:01 PM
Everyone.......

Awareness is not the problem.  It never has been. 

I love your posts and what you are saying, but you were more correct with it being a double edged sword.

The fact is that even good people will not recognize us as our true sex when they know we transitioned.  Often times it will seem like they do early in transition.  Also for people who transition late, who have left the job market and are no longer seeking relationships...  People in a situation like that may not ever notice the difference.

But if you need employment and if you are single and want someone else in your life.  If you didn't transition for a sexual fetish, aren't involved in the fetish community and if you just want a normative female life...  And if you pass as female... you will surely learn to divine the difference between acceptance and having people take for granted that you are female and the difference is monumental.  Perhaps in small ways but ways that are monumental to a single person who has to work to survive.

It doesn't matter how righteous or just or nice an "accepting" person is... the difference between that and people who just take it for granted that you are your sex is HUGE.  In fact I would run screaming from nice people who accept me and MUCH prefer the company of liars, beggars and thieves who just assume I am female because at least that way I can have a life with authentic interactions and be a real person.

I guess an individual has to experience both situations in order to appreciate them.

The other thing about nice people who accept you is they will out you to bad people who will destroy you.  They can't help it.  People can't idly stand by and let you fool people into thinking you are a real woman or a real man.  It does not feel right to them.  And by just standing by and allowing other people to think you are a real man or a real woman (their terms), they feel guilty of being involved in a crime of deception. 

No matter how good your friend is, he or she will out you.  They will do it like this... "Please don't tell anyone I told you this but Noey is actually a man who transitioned."  "You are such a good friend and normally I don't tell anyone but I was worried you would feel betrayed if you found out from someone else and I had never told you."  Then the second person may respect the desire of the secret teller not to tell for a few days but after a while it just feels so good to seem so smart for a moment by sharing such a secret.

The thing is people can't be trusted with a secret like this.  If you are out to one person you are out to everyone (eventually).  It is like that old story from the eighties about how when you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they have ever had sex with.

A friend who transitioned before me told me that being out is like ripping open a down pillow and scattering the feathers from the top of the Empire State building and then stealth is trying to gather up all the feathers afterwards - meaning it can't be done.

The sad thing is people are incapable of appreciating something they have never experienced.  So often times newly trans people create blogs and post their pics on the Internet.  Later on they realize that some things are now out of their control and they feel powerless.  I think that is a big reason why so many trans women commit suicide.  They feel like they did all that work for nothing.

Quote from: Felicitá on June 18, 2012, 06:37:34 PM
Wow, Noey Nooneson, you articulate all my worst fears and paranoia. I think I completely agree with you.

I emailed my mum an article about a young and out transgendered child who started a new school as a girl. She emailed back saying "I wish that had been us, then we could have led a better more open life....if she can cope with all the prejudices that will be around and not care a dam, she will make it okay."

I went absolutely insane. I should be out and not care a damn? I agree with another poster who said that being out can have a corrosive effect on the self-esteem.

I appreciate that keeping this to herself stresses her somewhat and I feel some guilt about it. She has to hide photo albums, avoid topics etc. But I know for a fact that people will subconsciously treat you as your birth sex. They will never perceive you as you 'chosen' sex. The Freudian slips from people that knew me before is proof enough. Respect and kindness to address me by my chosen sex is not enough. For interactions to be truly authentic, they need to truly believe you were born as your chosen sex. I need to experience that authenticity. No amount of transgendered rights will do it. I haven't had hardships like a lot of folk here, but I still sacrificed a huge amount to have that experience.

Two good points:
1. We should not care...... but I do and it shows on my face.  I want to be out to people that know me and not out to people that do not know me.  It takes strength to be a woman and I do not have that strength.

2. People that accepted me as a woman treated me different.  It is a lot different than someone knowing you are trans and calling you Ma'am to be polite.
..........................

I am not interested in an alternative life style. Just wanted to be me.  That's all.

Think pass marginally in boy or girl mode.

Not sure I will ever integrate. 

What is really odd is we can not make it go away.

Doing nothing did not work.

If people want to be stealth and in a position where it's taken for granted that they are who they say they are, blending into society and trying to put behind them a past that they never wanted, then that's cool. I don't think anyone here is saying that isn't a choice an individual should be able to make for themselves in how they live their life.

The question I would ask, however, is how much of the constant refining of the procedures that allow people to do just that, such as SRS and FFS, the availability of therapists specialising in gender issues, the ongoing research into the origin of why we need to transition, the insurance coverage for various parts of the process... how much of that is direct result of people who are either unable to be, or choose not to be stealth and instead choose to live their lives fighting to promote awareness of trans issues and to have the need to transition taken seriously by governments and medical practitioners? I mean, if you think about it, every single person posting in this thread has benefited from an awareness of and information about being transgendered by sheer virtue of being on this website, and posting here, among this community. Without trans awareness, none of us would be here saying anything at all.

The folks who put themselves out there to make sure that information and awareness is there for others who may be going through the same thing and be unable to identify it, much less where to get help for it... well, I don't think it's really fair to say that they're somehow making the lives worse for those who choose to live in stealth. After all, if you're in stealth then as far as others are concerned, any views they have on being transgendered have no relevance to you anyway because it's taken for granted that you're not.

The point I'm trying to make is that on balance, awareness of trans issues has, in my view, done a lot more good than ill, and folks able to live in stealth now because of the current effectiveness of transition in affecting the physical and legal changes in order to do so are essentially standing on the shoulders of giants, who also sacrificed a huge amount in order for it to be that way. And I think that folks who choose to live their lives in that way should be afforded just as much respect as those who choose to live in stealth. Everyone deals with it in their own way, and I don't think it's the right of anyone else to say what that way should be.

That, however, is just my view.

Quote from: Sephirah on June 18, 2012, 09:11:18 PM
The question I would ask, however, is how much of the constant refining of the procedures that allow people to do just that, such as SRS and FFS, the availability of therapists specialising in gender issues, the ongoing research into the origin of why we need to transition, the insurance coverage for various parts of the process... how much of that is direct result of people who are either unable to be, or choose not to be stealth and instead choose to live their lives fighting to promote awareness of trans issues and to have the need to transition taken seriously by governments and medical practitioners? I mean, if you think about it, every single person posting in this thread has benefited from an awareness of and information about being transgendered by sheer virtue of being on this website, and posting here, among this community. Without trans awareness, none of us would be here saying anything at all.

The folks who put themselves out there to make sure that information and awareness is there for others who may be going through the same thing and be unable to identify it, much less where to get help for it... well, I don't think it's really fair to say that they're somehow making the lives worse for those who choose to live in stealth. After all, if you're in stealth then as far as others are concerned, any views they have on being transgendered have no relevance to you anyway because it's taken for granted that you're not.

I marched on LGBT awareness day in Atlanta and that outed me.  I always swim upstream and it was a good decision.  It was done with a clear mind and open heart.  Now I am no longer a part of a church I was a teacher for 12 years, and I have been ostracized by a number of neighbors.

If possible a combination of stealth and non-stealth is healthy.  Many cis-gender do not want to be educated and I respect that.

I do not feel bad about being trans.  I feel bad about being rejected by cis-gender folks.  It is lonely.

Having been rejected waaaaayyyyyyy too many times by varieties of people, I've gotten so used to it, that I guess it doesn't affect me as much anymore. It was worse back in the day when I truly had no friends, but now it's just another part of life.

Reading some of these things is kinda scary cause I have never considered that, but when I think about it, I feel like I would be able to handle it simply because I've already had experience with it. No matter what people say, I know I can focus on my own goals and move forward. At the very least I will move ahead through my work, and if I can, my words.

But as far as everything goes, you can't expect much from people right now, especially with the way the system is. You have to get off your idealist cloud that everything will be great and everyone will love you, because that just won't happen at this point in time. The system has people under their very powerful control, and it will be hard to break that. But that's why you must keep pushing, because at the end of the day, life is what you make of it. It doesn't matter what others say. They don't, and they will never know what it's like for you, because they are not you. So, just try to understand it from their view, because none of us were born with the very complex idea that "transgender" existed, and it has taken a long time for some of us, even know to fully comprehend what that means, now imagine what someone, who has no first-hand experience at it, knows. It is very hard, but it is getting better.

I guess what keeps me going is the thought that in the future, the world will live as one. I believe in people and that we can do anything. We just need to detach ourselves from this system.

The younger that you transition into the gender you are, the less history you will have in the gender you are born in and the older you get the more of that past will die and disappear.   You will be less likely to be outed.   When you start your transition in you fifties and sixties you have a long  history of life behind you in the gender you aren't that can come back to out you.   I was an teacher (mostly elementary) for thirty years and have fathered 6 children from 9 to 39 years old and have been responsible for helping to raise 4 more.   People I have taught, my kids, their friends, and my friends who have known me for more than forty years are on Facebook and have known me in the gender I am not (male).  I have grand kids who while they are too far away to see me would have only known me as a male, if I had not come out on Facebook as a transgender female.    I can only do what I can do, and live female every day until that's all people know me as.    I don't really need anymore close personal relationships than I have and people who meet me now can think whatever.

This is the problem with transitioning when you are older and have children in their late thirties.   I didn't think about this when I was young.   I only feared when I was thirteen that would die, drunk, face down in gutter as a broken down old male in a dress.   At one point in my life this very well could have happened.   We didn't have computers then and there was no community of transgenders to support me in the Dakotas when I was young.    Would I have become an outcast, I don't know.  People in the Dakotas are funny that way.   If they know you and like you and you perform a service to the community you can live and not be bothered.   If you can't do this and are really different in some way you are heckled until you leave, die, or conform if you can.   I might have made it as a prostitute, who knows.   I was afraid and  it took over fifty years and moving away to get over that fear.

The point being that for me it doesn't matter if I had all of the money in the world to spend on my transition and became the perfect woman.   My past would be there to testify that I was born a male.   Being female is who I am and not my goal.   For me its loosing the maleness and becoming female and letting the chips fall where they may.   

Also when you get old you start disappearing in the minds of others.    People start looking at what you can't do, not what you can.    When jobs are in short supply and you become to much of a cost in your chosen profession its hard to find work.    No one wants to pay a 65 year old teacher $50,000 to $60,000 to teach when they can get a young person for $34,000 if you are not excellent at networking.   I was the type of person who got teaching jobs in small rural communities whose population was dwindling, who worked hard, cared about her students, and went home and cared about her family.    I didn't marry into the community and I wasn't the best friend of a school board member.   If a school board member's kid didn't like you for whatever reason, sooner or latter you moved on to another little rural community and started all over.   I didn't see my world as dying.   I saw it as struggling to stay alive.   Nothing really became permanent.   It was moving on and changing until it was all over.

I can be a woman now, but I cannot hide my male past.   That is my life.   I am too old to give birth to children but not to old to be a grandma for grand babies.   There is no perfect woman's life for me even if I could change everything about my body.

The only point I can make is that if you want to live totally in a woman's world transition young.    The longer you wait the more complicated it becomes and the less you will be able to disappear into a woman's world completely.   As far as sex goes, I like sex, but sex outside of my current relationship only complicates my life more and its complicated enough.   If sex happens it happens but it happens within my current relationship.   And how it happens is personal and nobodies business.   But no more children,  there are enough in my life now and have been enough in the past.    I just hope that I am a woman long enough to work out any personal relationships I have with people in my past that if I ever live in their communities again they will accept me as a woman.   But maybe that won't happen.

All I can share are my  personal struggles hoping that some others here will gain something from them.    I wish I would have started younger perhaps after my youngest child with my ex was born.   If I knew my marriage was going to end any way maybe I would have.    My older children would have had more years to get to know me as a woman and I would have learned from my efforts with them.

I am rambling, being an old grandma, I know, but we are who we are and we really can hide any of it.   Life is a circle.   We create walls which cause hurt if people don't know about our past and it eats us up  inside.   If people know about our past we are hurt and made bitter by the stings and arrows of disappointment.   

We can only be happy and have our hearts full of joy and love being who we are.   Whatever the path.    The pain may all be the same, but at least we will die happy and joyful praising the day we let go and let God guide us to ourselves.   This is what my life has taught me.

Quote from: michelle on June 18, 2012, 11:53:54 PM
The ...

I enjoyed reading what you had to say.  It didn't come off like rambling to me, it seemed pertinent and helped me to appreciate your experience more.

Anyway...  You mentioned that the older you get the more complicated it becomes and the less you will be able to disappear into a woman's world.  I agree with that, especially in regard to relationships and maintaining relationships after transition.  The only people I have in my life are my mother and my father.  I have never been married, never got anyone pregnant.  The only person I ever dated was a self-absorbed narcissistic trans woman who may have had Asperger's. 

I didn't transition at the youngest age (mid thirties) my body is in incredible shape and very feminine looking.  I even have hips and an hourglass figure.  FFS and my own personal skincare regimen have allowed me to look hella younger than I am so I would say that having a female looking body, being younger looking and having had a very successful FFS and BAS experience have allowed me to do things I would never have otherwise been able to do.   So it counts for something is what I am saying.

Hey, you know what? You're right. It does suck. It sucks really, really bad and no one but us knows what it feels like. So ->-bleeped-<- them! I've wanted to give up my transcowl many times but every time that goes through my mindset I just keep trudging forward! Looking at who I will be instead of who I am now. You know? Its hard but don't give up. Surround yourself with people who know what it feels like not people who would just laugh at you. And if other people DO laugh at you, you can have the support of friends who know exactly what you're going though.

Quote from: Axélle on June 19, 2012, 01:41:37 AM

Lastly, it is an EVER so known fact, that MANY/MOST females, and this by nature in any way, - rely on their looks and attraction to a male. Nothing new here.
It is WHY we women during our reproductive part of our lives spend so much time, money and effort on this - good looks.
It is ALSO why we get catty and bitchy with the competition.
ANYTHING will do, all is fair in this sort of competition.

True, women tend to be aggressive like this about being attractive to men, and appearing to look more desirable than the next woman. Even more so if she actually likes a guy, who may happen to be giving *that attention* to you instead. Yeap, Bitchy claws drawn, Meyow ! You have to fight for your place as a CIS female same as anyone else. What tends to change here I think is when a woman, is 'settled' into a secure relationship and has got her man, she doesn't usually behave that that. Some might say 'she let her self go'. Kind of turns around a bit too, if she is insecure though, and thinks that she might be loosing her man to another woman. Back to situation 1, bitchy claw fight ? - justified though.

Quote
Now, place yourself in an industry that LIVES by that - ONLY -; only by dint of males following their sex-drives, - any competition will be considered as VERY bad news.
You have to toughen up like hell as a cis-female, - and if outed as non-cis you are fair game immediately and savagely.
What happens to the hen that does not fit in with the others in the chicken-yard ... ever heard of or seen a "pecking party" --- same thing. Only they will pick the outsider to death. Sure enough.

Well, live in a world of women, and your face doesn't fit, ofc your going to get pecked at. Then again, I think about this, and realise there are just as much 'two faced' people around too, who would appear nice to you, to your face, then call you all the names going, to their other friends, that's common in any social group. I think maybe your referring to the fact, that 'they know' your not a CIS female, in that case, get a tin helmet and run. ;D

If they 'suspect' your not a woman, for any reason, you will be considered an out cast from their social group anyway, not all women behave like that, people are people, and you will find sympathetic women (and men) who will listen to your problem and support you. Those that stand and laugh and giggle, or call you names at all, are not worth talking to or knowing anyway.

My two cents as well !  ^-^

Quote from: auburnAubrey on June 12, 2012, 07:14:09 PM
I've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

Aubrey, let me pass a hug your way! First, because of the support I have found here so far, I want to pass that same support on to you. As a young person growing up, I spent lots of time in the LGBT community because of a family member and their friends. Also, I was severely bullied for my family member's orientation and in the eyes of my tormentors, my perceived orientation. It hurts to be laughed at or called names. I get that part! I really get it!

As I am starting my own road of dealing with who and what I am, in finding my own bravery to even start that journey by being here to talk about it, I want you to hear words of friendship and encouragement. You said you have slowly been working on yourself, and maybe you can fall back on that good feeling part of you and sorta say "he laughed, but I feel good about myself and I'm not going to let him ruin that". I am reminded about an old wise saying that says "small people talk about other people, but big people talk about ideas and improving their lives".

All of the other replies here bring their own value to the discussion, and with that what I am saying is that you can always use this thread as a piece of evidence that shows all the supporters you have. Sounds like you have a great therapist as well. Hold onto those things, and use them to remember that YOU are a valuable person who brings something special into the world.

QuoteI've been having a hard time lately....... lots of fear coming up, and with FFS and BA coming in August, I've been feeling anxious about full time, and myself in general.

Slowly, I've been working on myself.... realizing how much I've separated myself, almost into two people, and have been working on realizing I am just one person.  And it's time to stop living in fear and be the person I am supposed to be.

The last couple of days were actually good... and I started to feel that peaceful feeling again.  The feeling of doing the right thing.  And today, I actually had a pretty good therapy session, and was more comfortable about what's coming up than I have been in the last few weeks......

AND THEN:

I come home from dinner...  nothing special, just a skirt and nice top.... oh, and heels.  Had no problems out, feeling good about myself.... and I come home.

And my neighbor sees me.  And laughs.  He always seems to get a good chuckle when I'm in full Aubrey mode.

And with this one laugh from nearly a complete stranger, my world just kind of imploded.

I was never laughed at as a guy.  I don't want to be laughed at.  And I swear I'm ticked off to all hell that people think that this is my "choice".  Because I would never choose to feel how crappy I feel right now, simply because I am trying to be who I am.

I swear this just seems WAY to big for me right now.  I'm seriously ready to just pack my bags and head back for maleness.  I know it's all within me, that I am letting that laugh get to me, and I shouldn't, but it did.  And I'm just really ticked off at myself. 

I don't want to stop this transition (again).  I don't want to go through this again..... nor do I want to put it off until I finally get the guts to finish it, and then say "Man, I wish I would have continued this 20 years ago.

So yeah, right now, it really sucks to be a transsexual.

Thanks as always for listening.

Just saw this, and felt I wanted to comment here, or make a few comments about what your saying...

First of all, your not alone, and I for one felt very much the same way when I was first 'transitioning' you got to start some where right, ?! thing you need to remember, is don't rush it. You are going to spend the rest of your life in that role, and you need to find that inner woman in you, and let her come out more and more and develop more in confidence. Better you are being confident in yourself, better you will be accepted. None of us had a child hood either rly as a 'accepted' CIS female, ofc, we behaved differently, and ofc, we were always female anyway, people do know that too.

When you suddenly decide to transition, its not like, 'hey world I am now Audrey' !! now bow before me, and accept me ! - nope doesn't work that way, most people don't even care who you or I are. Take it slow, let your body develop and change with the hormones. OK thing 'is' that not many people will tell you, is the fact there will be always some one who kind of clocks you, you will get that from time to time. I think even the best looking of us, probably 'has had' at one point in their lives some problem with some one. You really need a thick skin TBH, and get over it, otherwise you will be crushed by the thoughtless and insensitive looks, comments, fingers pointing people in the world. Remember though, you have a right to live and breath just as much as they do, they also have their own problems too, and like to use people like us as a deflection from their own sad problems in life.

yeap,. Unless you happen to be tiny, and not very tall, drop the heals.. Not good. Tall people stand out more, and people look at you, because of your hight, not because your clocked. That comes secondary, when people observe you then. I am tall as a person, I never wear heals, max size, is like 2 inch nothing more. Some times I even just wear sporty trainers anyway. with jeans. You need to look like any other every day girl/woman, not some kind of pretty woman clone.  ^-^

I really would stick with this, unless you feel its making you ultimately depressed, then that being the case, stop for a while, and take a breath !

I just saw this ... add my hug to all the others! I know how awful that must have felt and I wish you all the confidence, courage and screw-em-all-defiance in the world as you set out on your journey.

Here's something that I hope will give you strength. I saw Springsteen sing Follow That Dream in London in '81 (yeah, I'm THAT old!!  :) ). It's always helped me and I hope it helps you, too ...

Bruce Springsteen - Follow That Dream (Live 1988) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XgIqMV9rXA&feature=related#)

Well.. at least it's not 1982... way before the internet became accessible :)

Quote from: Carlita on June 19, 2012, 05:02:48 AM
I just saw this ... add my hug to all the others! I know how awful that must have felt and I wish you all the confidence, courage and screw-em-all-defiance in the world as you set out on your journey.

Here's something that I hope will give you strength. I saw Springsteen sing Follow That Dream in London in '81 (yeah, I'm THAT old!!  :) ). It's always helped me and I hope it helps you, too ...

Bruce Springsteen - Follow That Dream (Live 1988) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XgIqMV9rXA&feature=related#)

LOVE BRUCE!!  Thanks!  And thanks for the warm words...... I'm actually having a pretty good day today.  Starting to feel the idea that its time.  I think one of the wierd things that was hanging me up for a while was the fact that at some point, I have to "meet everyone again".  I have two (well, three, actually) jobs that I know a TON of people in.  So not everyone sees me everyday.  I am not running from that life.  It's much to rewarding, so yeah, meeting everyone again at some point should be interesting!

Well, like the Boss said, 'These are better days ...'  :)

Well there is crap and power plays in the male world and there is crap and power plays in the female world.   So running to the female world to get away from the crap makes no sense.   I know that I was no good playing the male competition games for the valued spots in the male world.    I could not put heart and soul into the competition.    I did try and survive in the male world of sports.   I played male football, basket ball, wrestling, and track.   I tried male pool, bowling, and table tennis.   If I felt that the male that I was playing need to win in the worst way, I was a true female, I choked, and my heart was not in winning.   My brother was the only one I competed with to the death, because I was oldest and he wanted to rule the roost.   I didn't want to rule the roost, but he wasn't going to rule me either.

Being a woman, I have to adapt to dealing with competition in a woman's world.   I have to learn to connive and scheme like every other woman.   Not to become queen of the hive, but to keep from being Cinderella and everybody's slave and servant.    I have to go through that at home.    My spouse and her daughters try to put me in the man's world to keep push me out of taking part of the female decisions with in the home.     Believe you me, my spouse does not want a beer drinking, dirty white tee shirt, fat belly, unshaven man in the house who she has to wait on hand and foot.    In her own way she is perfectly happy with me being a womanly and caring, but we compete for female space in the pecking order.   I have no real wish to rule, but I want to exist.   So I have to show my cat's claws and come out swinging just like another bitch in the household.   

I don't like this, but I have to play the game to survive as a woman.    I didn't like the game in the men's world, but the game feels natural to me in the woman's world, where in the men's world I could not sustain nor physically take the effort.   By my very nature I have always been more of an emotional fighter than a physical fighter.    There is more to being a woman than wearing a dress.   So I will keep being a woman until that fact is accepted.   I cannot be a woman by myself, for then I will only be a shallow stereo type.   Maybe I will be a male's stereo type of a woman, because that is all we see in television and the movies.    This is why I like video's like Cherry Bomb ladies, ( they are all old ones on http://www.shewired.com (http://www.shewired.com) because they are women being women.   Yes I know this is a lesbian site.   But that is what I am now.    I am focusing on being a woman, because telling people I am one and getting into a argument even if its a bitch fight seems pointless to me.    I will just bring the bitch to the bitch fight.

So basically both worlds are rough and tumble and men and women street fight in different ways.    So basically if you are a girl, you have to learn to fight like a girl.    Which only goes to say that I feel you have to be a woman to need living as a woman in a woman's world.   Men can fight and become best friends while woman can fight and be enemies for ever and in a man's world you can get beat up physically while in a woman's world you can get beat up emotionally and still do a good job on your make up.   What real man would want this for themselves.

I guess I am just exposing my reasoning for all of this and acknowledging that when I went public on Facebook I was really throwing myself into the female world from which I may never be able to escape if ever I want to.   But I can chat about dress and shoes and make up with my old friends who accept me as I am and share my female tastes.    But again I am 65 and someday may work again, but have my Social Security so I have some funds and can get by.

So I know this route is not open for some of the other girls here.    But if you can get to 62 or even older with some years of good wages you will have an income.   You can get into low income housing.   If you have a biological child your child can receive have of what you would have gotten if you retired at 66.    And with Medicare you will finally have some insurance.    So their is a future for you when you can live as a woman 24/7/365  1/4 and basically be full time.    And because you are old and disappearing most people will not even mind if you are not a perfect young female, but old grandma's take many shapes and shades.   And you can still find many other bitches to bitch fight with.

I wanted to say this earlier, but forgot. This is a compliment for Aubrey! Aubrey, sister, you look like a certain celebrity I have always been a fan of. Think back to the 80s, think old hit made new again by a popular pop artist. Think RED hair and jean jacket! If you haven't guessed yet...it's Tiffany!! 

Quote from: Noey Noonesson on June 19, 2012, 01:39:36 AM

  I have never been married, never got anyone pregnant.  The only person I ever dated was a self-absorbed narcissistic trans woman who may have had Asperger's. 

Dear Noey is it time to share news about the twins.  I do not appreciate you having ruined my waistline.
..................................

I know several highly educated trans people that are mildly autistic with advanced degrees in math and science.  Oh they are just so odd!

I have almost no empathy and have minimal ability to read facial expressions.  Paranoia is so bad that I now live in two genders with boy mode for neighborhood and girl mode as soon as I leave neighborhood.  Today I was boy mode and many genetic women were very nice to me.   They were so friendly.  I was exiting Costco and this young lady asked me to lift her 24-liter box of water into trunk of her SUV.   I guess I am "runway super gay" or maybe my pecs look super strong from triple ply medical grade binder.

I had a good swim upstream today.

Quote from: wendy on June 19, 2012, 08:55:50 PM
Dear Noey is it time to share news about the twins.  I do not appreciate you having ruined my waistline.
..................................

Well...  I did have SRS in March of 2004 so those poor twins are probably ready to come out by now O_o ...  And I didn't have sex with anyone since about 1993.  So come to think of it those twins are probably a little over-due.

My whole life has been up hill except for when my whole life was down hill.

Quote from: Noey Noonesson on June 19, 2012, 11:21:44 PM

Well...  I did have SRS in March of 2004 so those poor twins are probably ready to come out by now O_o ...  And I didn't have sex with anyone since about 1993.  So come to think of it those twins are probably a little over-due.

My whole life has been up hill except for when my whole life was down hill.

Yes Noey you now understand.  Girl is 20 and boy is 22.  Gestation and labor were brutal.  I have been very faithful and have had sex with only one person this century.  Her name is Lefty.

My life has been a roller coaster.  I have had a lot of good times.  Still do.  A trans friend will visit me today and we will go shopping.  Trans people just want to be themselves, feel needed and be loved.  That seems easy to understand. 

Quote from: Dawn Heart on June 19, 2012, 03:21:23 PM
I wanted to say this earlier, but forgot. This is a compliment for Aubrey! Aubrey, sister, you look like a certain celebrity I have always been a fan of. Think back to the 80s, think old hit made new again by a popular pop artist. Think RED hair and jean jacket! If you haven't guessed yet...it's Tiffany!!

I had to look her up to remember what she looked like.  I can see some resemblance to her in her pics over the last decade or so...  That's funny.  Haven't heard that one.  My therapist says I look like this girl on one of those medical shows.... I can't remember which one off hand, but I checked and resembled her too.

EDIT: Addison Montgomery on Private Practice.

Quote from: A on June 12, 2012, 07:59:48 PM
Maybe you are overthinking this. In almost every similar situation I've found myself in, the person or people in question were not laughing for the reason I thought. Maybe he just doesn't like your sense of fashion or something. Maybe it's completely unrelated. Maybe he's just the kind of person who laughs at people a lot with no apparent reason.

And even if he did laugh at you... Don't take it too harshly. People who openly laugh at people (unless the situation is also "openly funny") tend to laugh at a lot of people, really. And for an enormous lot of reasons. They're not people you can rely on for a safe opinion of what you actually look like. If that person were specifically expressing transphobia or such, he wouldn't laugh at you. People like that find transsexualism disgusting, sinful, wrong, superficial, etc. but I've never found anyone saying it was "ridiculous" or "laughable". People don't laugh at such things.

I totally agree on all counts!

In college I did a social experiment wherein we were tasked with keeping a journal of everything that we found foolish or inept, or just careless that other people did throughout the day.  Someone was driving like a maniac?  Write down what they did (after you stopped driving hopefully, lol).  Someone say something totally ignorant?  Write down what they said.  We did this for a week whilst being out and about.

At the end of the week, we got all of your incidents together and we compared notes in class.  We made a list of things that we decided were "below average behaviors."  We then had to cart that list around with us for a week, and, based only on the action that was listed, write down all the times we met those conditions through the course of the week, innocent reason behind it or not.

Boy was that an eye opener!

What I find is that all we ever see is a snippet of time.  We see a laugh, or a look, hear a sentence alone, or a word.  We tend to forget that those people that we see those snippets from are not in our lives in significant ways, we don't know the context of their life or how their actions have played out in their perceptions.  All we know is that we saw them do or say *something* and that's it.

Ever since then, I've tended to put more weight in the actions of the people close to me, and use them as a barometer, and put less and less into the random snippets of life that happen around me.  It's like trying to get the gist of a novel with only a piece of a single page, or trying to identify a movie while someone is flipping through channels on a TV.  You may get it, but only if you know the movie really well, most of the channels are merely noise.

Never let that noise drown you out!

Pondering the topic sentence...

Yes, it sometimes does suck...OTOH if you are going to have a "genetic defect," this one  is lot less "suckier" than most.

Quote from: Felicitá on June 18, 2012, 06:37:34 PM
Wow, Noey Nooneson, you articulate all my worst fears and paranoia. I think I completely agree with you.

I emailed my mum an article about a young and out transgendered child who started a new school as a girl. She emailed back saying "I wish that had been us, then we could have led a better more open life....if she can cope with all the prejudices that will be around and not care a dam, she will make it okay."

I went absolutely insane. I should be out and not care a damn? I agree with another poster who said that being out can have a corrosive effect on the self-esteem.

I appreciate that keeping this to herself stresses her somewhat and I feel some guilt about it. She has to hide photo albums, avoid topics etc. But I know for a fact that people will subconsciously treat you as your birth sex. They will never perceive you as you 'chosen' sex. The Freudian slips from people that knew me before is proof enough. Respect and kindness to address me by my chosen sex is not enough. For interactions to be truly authentic, they need to truly believe you were born as your chosen sex. I need to experience that authenticity. No amount of transgendered rights will do it. I haven't had hardships like a lot of folk here, but I still sacrificed a huge amount to have that experience.

I hope everything is going well for you ^_^ .  I had a real estate agent come to my home today and I am going to try sell this house and move out of state as soon as possible.  I just realized that I am above water on it and it is a good time to sell.  My hope is that I can escape the rumors and maintain employment, etc. 

I guess I was lucky.  My mother was embarrassed of me for years.  The first time I was with her as female we went to a drive through restaurant and she told me to get down under the dash of the car so no one would see me.  She has always made the opinion of complete strangers her highest priority.  Anyway, even today, 7-8 years later she doesn't have a single picture of 'me' in her house and I destroyed the old pictures she had of me in her house.

My concern though is that experience taught me recently that a rumor is as strong as knowledge.  I was forced out of my last two jobs based on rumors alone, so when I move... if I don't pass 100% then it's just a matter of time, having people draw suspicions and repeat them to others.  Once someone hears a suspicion spoken as fact it will spell the end of that job. 

Quote from: Noey Noonesson on June 18, 2012, 06:06:40 AM
Well...  I was fired from one job for being trans (no reason given) directly after being outed.  And I was forced out of two other jobs.  I realize I wasn't working in a conventional industry and a lot of my coworkers are of questionable character and very catty, back-stabbing women.

Anyway... I presented myself as female (and I believe I am female), transitioned.. had surgery, etc.  Believe that somehow I have always been female hence the transition thing...

Anyway often times women play on the ego of males.  After the rumors about me being trans circulated at my most recent job one of my coworkers approached me and said, "Did you used to be a man?"  And I was like, "No."  And then she was like... "Oh come on, you are way too pretty to be a real woman."  And I was like, "Well sorry... don't know what to tell you."  And then she was like, "Oh it would be so hot and sexy if you used to be a man."  O_o ...

That same night one of my other coworkers (who I had never spoken to before) said, "So... did you go to the pride parade?"  And I was like, "Why would I go to a pride parade, I'm not a lesbian?"  And she was like, "You know why."  And I was like, "I'm not into that."  And then she was like, "We have a lot in common, I dated a hermaphrodite once." 

Someone from my previous job had showed up at my new job and informed everyone of the rumors that were accepted as truth at my old job (causing me to be forced out of that job).

The goal was to get me to confess, so they could destroy my ability to compete financially.  They are ALWAYS successful.  All it takes is a rumor to destroy everything I ever worked for.  All it takes is a rumor to undo hours and hours of FFS surgery.  One rumor and everything about me is fake and I'm just a man again.

I know it's hard for some people to fathom a job like that.  I feel like I already provided too much information though so if you can't figure it out, sorry.  Not everyone punches a time card or works at a place that protects you and some jobs rely heavily on your being female in order to be successful.  Think adult entertainment type jobs.  Not all of us have a fancy degree nor can all of us pay our bills with an entry level job at a fast food chain.  Sometimes when you transition you have to take whatever job you can get.

Without trans awareness I would probably have a job right now and the quality of life I experienced in the last few years would probably have been much kinder and gentler.  As it is every new job I am able to find is temporary because it's just a matter of time before someone out's me or starts a rumor.

And I don't know how to rid myself of my anger and hatred for people anymore.  Especially the nasty women who were given everything on a silver platter so they could take a dump on me whenever the opportunity presents itself.  I can only hope they suffer miserable lives and burn for eternity in some hell dimension.

A rumor hm?
Well I turned a rumor upside down and used it to my advantage. When I joined in 2007 a rumor started that I was on HRT. Thing is, I wasn't and I have no idea how or why it was started.. I was laid off about a year later for 1 yr, 6 months. When I came back, the rumors started again. So, when I finally started HRT, I decided the best way to deal with it was to go public. My shirts were changed to my new name and I started using the women's room 3 months into my transition with Valeo HR supporting me. I made damn well sure that if they were going to talk about me, there would be no 'rumor to it. Only facts.

I'm just stubborn as a mule like that. :P

QuoteUntil perhaps the 1980's, if a person's name was 'Helen' and she wore lipstick and a dress, she would be assumed to be a woman even if she also had an oddly deep voice, rather large hands and not the best complexion.  Things have changed since then - people have become increasingly educated (if only subconsciously) on the signature signs of a transsexual.   We are getting close to the stage where most people know a transsexual women - be her family, friend, work colleague or an acquaintance.  Another real problem in recent years is the regular appearance of transsexual women on television in reality programmes, soaps and on talk shows.  As a result, some transwomen who have passed successfully for years or decades have been reduced to tears on finding themselves "outed" within minutes or even seconds of entering a room of strangers. http://www.secondtype.info/stealth.htm (http://www.secondtype.info/stealth.htm)

Looks like I am not the only person who has noticed this.

Quote from: Felicitá on June 18, 2012, 06:37:34 PM

I emailed my mum an article about a young and out transgendered child who started a new school as a girl. She emailed back saying "I wish that had been us, then we could have led a better more open life....if she can cope with all the prejudices that will be around and not care a dam, she will make it okay."

I went absolutely insane. I should be out and not care a damn?

I don't know you or your mother Felicita, but I am TS and I'm also a parent, so I hope I have some understanding of your two perspectives ... And I feel sure your mum didn't mean to say anything mean or hurtful. I think that she was just trying to be positive about the story of the little girl and to wish her all the best in her life. Because I'm sure there are many, many of us who wish we could have been born in an age which allowed our condition to be discovered young enough to make the physical aspects of transition so much easier ... And when your mum talks about 'not giving a damn' I don't think she's saying you shouldn't care, or failing to recognise the very real struggles TS people face to be accepted ... She's just saying that it's only possible to survive and succeed if one can somehow manage not to be devastated by ignorance and prejudice, but to rise above it and carry on ones own path, regardless.

That's surely true of all pioneers against prejudice, be they black, gay, TS, whatever ... because Aubrey's right. Sometimes it really sucks. But somehow that has to not matter.

Much, much, much easier said than done, I know ... but here's one final thought. What strikes me very strongly is that your mum is on that girl's side ... and she's on your side, too. I hope I'm right in feeling that. And I hope tha her love brings you strength when other people make life so hard.

One reason I have had so much trouble with employment is because in the beginning I used to frequent a "->-bleeped-<-" bar.  A bisexual man from that bar (a real sh1t of a man) came into a place where I was working and told all my coworkers how he used to know me when I had a d1ck and how I was really just a man (his words).  The thing was... when I knew him from the "->-bleeped-<-" bar he was really nice to me.  Nice people are often the worst in my experience.

I don't know anything about them but did you ever try using a gaff?

Maybe you could ask your mother what she meant by what she said.  And then depending on what she says help her understand what is important to you, etc.

My life before transition is like someone else's dream, told to me by a complete stranger.  I can't relate to old photos having any meaning at all.  Something changed for me after SRS.  I was on 10mg of injectible estradiol and I was getting too much estrogen.  I went into a fog after SRS and when I came out of that fog all the "memories" of the past... it was like they no longer had any attachment to me.  It was like that person had died and I was a new person.  The only problem being that people who remember me from before transition... to them I am the same person (attempting to be a female).

My personal experience in regard to getting feedback about pass-ability is that no one can give you a good critique.  First off they are prejudiced because who ever is giving the critique already knows the rest of the story.  And secondly everyone who gives you that sort of critique is generally comparing you to themselves.  O_o  The best critique is the one you never receive, to go about your life and not have anyone say anything.  I know that can be difficult because the only way to really test it is to push the envelope.  I spent my pre FFS/BAS days lurking in the shadows... afraid to be in any kind of relationship.

My experience is that if you never moved after transition people know.  When people talk about someone behind their back they tend to keep their voices low.  But on some rare occasions due to acoustics I have been able to hear what someone said about me in the grocery store, etc.  I remember a while ago I had come home late from working and stopped at a 24 hr Walmart and there were two stockers talking and one seemed interested in me (or something) and the other one said, "I heard she is someone who transitioned."  I heard this from about 75 feet away, it was very quiet and his voice must have bounced off the glass doors in the frozen food isle just right so I could hear.  Otherwise I would be able to continue fooling myself.

Quote from: Noey Noonesson on June 21, 2012, 04:51:11 PM


My experience is that if you never moved after transition people know.  When people talk about someone behind their back they tend to keep their voices low.  But on some rare occasions due to acoustics I have been able to hear what someone said about me in the grocery store, etc.  I remember a while ago I had come home late from working and stopped at a 24 hr Walmart and there were two stockers talking and one seemed interested in me (or something) and the other one said, "I heard she is someone who transitioned."  I heard this from about 75 feet away, it was very quiet and his voice must have bounced off the glass doors in the frozen food isle just right so I could hear.  Otherwise I would be able to continue fooling myself.

That's my experience as well. I assume anyone that talks to me knows or will find out as soon as they talk to someone else and happen to mention my name. I live in the same town of 420 or so people that I did before transition and see many that I've known for years regularly since I work in the only convenience store in town. A lot of people humor me though, even though many of them will never really consider me a woman.   I'm basically just holding place until the housing market gets good enough in this area again to unload my house and get the heck out of dodge and get surgery. I do not talk to people about anything transition related and of course refuse to date anyone, whether they know or not.

I can imagine living in a small place can be difficult. I've mostly lived in the capital city with a population of about half a million people and have had no such trouble. Nobody ever knows who I am and I rarely see people from my past except my few close friends from the past.

Regarding being outed by people that know casual acquaintances are the worst. They will do it without even blinking. However, the few good friends I have seem not to go around telling people. I always assume the information is being passed on but surprisingly when I occasionally meet other friends of theirs they don't seem to know. I will get asked if my husband and I have kids and I usually take that as an indicator. Among my friends my transition has pretty much become a non-issue and I we haven't talked about it for close to 7 years now. Most people can't or won't keep their mouths shut, but there are a few that will. Usually they are of the more intelligent and caring kind.

On an other note I've had some bizarre encounters with people from my past. On a few occasions I've gone to parties or some get together at a friends house and found people I know from pre-transition to be there. I know they know of my transition, but for some reason they don't realize who I am. It's really strange talking to someone you actually know pretty well and they think this is the first time you meet. On one occasion a girl I knew quiet well was asking my brother how I was doing not realizing I was sitting there in front of her.

I have not moved in 25 years and people do talk.

Went to  city festival yesterday as a group of six from community and had great time.  We were close but separated and I could hear people talk about one tall friend that was overdressed for occasion.

After festival we went to a restaurant and were seated in back with average age of group about 55. Young male waiter actually goofed on pronouns with an attractive older lady.  She politely corrected him.  We did have some margaritas with our Mexican food and had a great time.  Cisgender people can get nervous around trans folks.