Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,
  I like girls, and probably real hot guys :P. I feel very lonely being back as a single. I have so much guilt that I am not sure if I should start dating, meet new people without telling them what I feel about myself. I have not completely accepted myself, things might take time, but should I wait until I am all clear, and sure of what I want? Or should I just go along with the flow? Well I intent to, but people who knows tells me to not tell anything too early. What do you guys think?

You should get everything sorted out first. I don't think it's fair to the person you'd be dating.

Being strong enough to get over all the guilt you are carrying and sorting out how you really feel is the best plan. I wish I could have. But the guilt of being trans won out every time so I opted for some form normal. Now some 30 years later, plus societal attitudes ever so slowly changing, I can say, even stress, that the best things for you to do now is to find a TG support group and a therapist. One, at least, that is familiar or at least had TG clients. For me the group was a life changing event. No matter how much you intellectually know you are not alone, being in a room full of others talking of the same issues, fears, and joys, that you have, lifts many great burdens we needlessly carry around.

Don't conflate gender identity with sexual preference. There are plenty, perhaps even the vast majority of MTFs, especially the late bloomers, that prefer women partners. In my early 20's when I experimented with transitioning, part of my personal requirements was sexual preference. After all, why go through all the pain and surgery if you prefer a female partner. (I was never hung up about the dangly bits, and still not. I am also going to avoid the political minefield). It probably was a big mistake. Actually dating guys vs the fantasy of it, didn't do anything for me. That plus a few other factors helped to push me towards faking being a guy.

As one who wound up married three times.  Take this time to figure out you.  Then you will be better prepared to enjoy dating, and you will know who you might like to date.

Well I do have a very good psychologist, who had several TG clients in the past. I am actually very happy, and not suicidal any more since I started accepting myself, even though figuring out is still a challenge! I told several of my close friends etc. I asked this girl out any way, just as a friend, for a coffee. I'll handle it somehow, tell her if she is interested, or if it gets any serious etc. I just don't want to sit at home all day. I just want someone to hang out with these days :)

You can... there are a lot of things that can/will go wrong, but in the end, it could help you figure yourself out as well, or possibly make you reject your true self.

Quote from: MagicKitty on June 15, 2012, 04:18:23 PM
You can... there are a lot of things that can/will go wrong, but in the end, it could help you figure yourself out as well, or possibly make you reject your true self.

What MagicKitty said.

I do it, though very carefully, slowly, and openly. Let your partner know exactly what's going on and be very careful about letting them become attached or attaching to them. If they start to develop deep feelings for you, and you discover that they are not your cup of tea, it will hurt, and you will feel responsible for it.

So ya, playing with fire can be fun, but it's very easy to burn yourself (or others)

Good luck!

I'd say no. It wouldn't be fair to risk someone's feelings, even if it would help you figure things out. It just seems like that would be equal to using someone, and you might get into trouble you could have avoided by being patient.

Hey, it's not as if relationships between people who aren't genderqueer (or queer) are simple and straightforward :). I think if you like someone and they like you, just be honest about who you are, and take things slowly. Or if you don't feel right about it, being/having friends is great :).

Given my current lack of success in the dating area, due to ongoing trust issues, I am probably the last person who should comment, but I will anyway. ;)
If you start from the basis of getting to know each other as friends, you will at worst hopefully have a new friend. At best, well it's up to you.

Karen.

In my own opinion your gender identity does not necessarily HAVE to relate to who/when/why you are dating. If you like someone (regardless of your gender or theirs) just GO FOR IT!!!  ;D

Quote from: Kristopher on August 08, 2012, 06:52:49 PM
In my own opinion your gender identity does not necessarily HAVE to relate to who/when/why you are dating. If you like someone (regardless of your gender or theirs) just GO FOR IT!!!  ;D

I agree, so long as you're absolutely certain of your sexual orientation (Don't know if that's a part of "gender identity").

Sexuality and Gender are two different beasts.

Dating is part of your sexuality, and that is something that will not change.  Rather it can change, but only because you may of unlocked a side of you that was repressed.

Gender is your identity, gender is selfishly only about YOU.  Dating someone without letting them know your gender identity could result in pain for both parties.  You don't want to date a straight girl that is going to be repulsed about you being a girl.  Its natural for her to not want to date another woman.

First of all I would like to say that it is absolutely NOT selfish or wrong for you to date if you want to and if you will be kind and respectful to your partner. Plenty of people are at least a little bisexual, and many people who always thought of themselves as straight or gay have fallen for a person outside of their normal range and been very happy and stayed together, so don't feel like you need to choose only men or women before you can date.

As for dating before you are entirely secure in your gender identity, go for it! It's not fair to YOURSELF not to, just be careful and always stay safe! Don't put yourself in a situation where you may be in danger and if you feel nervous always go on the side of caution! All the same, many people feel they will live as one gender and then transition or change their mind in their 40s, 50s, and sometimes later. So don't hold yourself back for a day that may be very far away. You deserve happiness and a relationship, just make sure it is with someone who deserves YOU! If they are not sure if they can handle the situation (and I do believe you should be forthcoming whenever you feel safe doing that) then let them know they can take you or leave you but you aren't alive here for them or because of them, you are going to live the life you want and if they don't approve they can move on.

Some of us are a bit more empathic =P  If you cant tell them within the first 2 months and if things get serious it will can HURT if things don't work out swimmingly.

They may still love you, they may still enjoy your company.  But as a sexual being the way people look at you is going to change.  This is inevitable!

That doesn't mean things will change, everything might go well.  But feeling a depression over someone not wanting to be with you due to your gender identity is just the wrong energy in the wrong place.

Its fine, who knows how long this whole figuring out thing will going on or it might go on forever. I am in the same boat and I don't want to wait that long. My advice is to find someone that will accept you no matter what you are. This way whatever gender identity you end up with will not be problem. This goes with you too, you should find somebody that you can accept unconditionally as well. 

I like women and when dating I keep in mind that there are possibility that she become different person or different gender or whatever and will I be able to handle the worse that could happen, still love her? If yes then I will want to marry this person.