Susan's Place Transgender Resources

some of them have been downright creepy. and some of them have been sweet. and some have even left me in quite a pickle. some make good stories.

I was out at the st. mall with a transgendered friend of mine. and amazingly enough we got hit on by some girls.  (probably since its pride weekend this weekend and my new haircut). the most notable was one girl kept calling us cuties and commenting on out cute butts :3. yet I'm led to believe she knew about us somehow.

I went to wal mart at 2am to buy a swimsuit for waterworld. (I totally made it work. it was awesome) and some cat litter. in the pet aisle some guy was stocking the shelves and kept trying to create small talk. I was friendly and I shouldve seen ti coming. but Ive never been in sucha  situation. he asked me for my name and number. I couldnt think fast enough and im quite incapable of saying no...so I gave him both. he said He'd txt me this weekend and see whats up. i blushed and walked off. I figured I could just not answer. thats always easier. but the plot thickened. he txted me that night apologizing for not being able to talk much, called me beautiful and asked if I was transgender...all those good feelings of thinking I passed sunk right into my stomach. but I replied. I wanted to know what gave me away. first I just told him he was correct to see what he'd say...and he told me he was really into transsexuals. then he said eh had to go back to work and would txt me later. so i haven't had a chance to ask. and now he knows I reply. other details cut short im meeting him tomorrow. I made sure it was in a public place even though he really wanted to just come to my house...im not into sex with males. not with my current anatomy anywhere. its up for discussion afterwards if I go that far. i cant help but want to do this for the experience though. sure he knows im trans but I want to know what it feels like to be taken on a date as a woman...Im terrified though. because I really do have a hard time saying no. this could end badly...

in the parking lot of that walmart when i was walking to my car two guys pulled up next to me and asked me what I was doing tonight. and wanted me to go for a drive. I told them it was a little creepy and they just drove off. and here I was thinking my haircut made me look like a super lesbian.

the most terrifying one happened today. I decided to walk to the dollar store just down the street. it was nice outside and only a few blocks away. when I was near it some 30-40 something year old man stopped me and introduced himself. he asked my name. i didnt really know how to react. it was creepy but for all i knew he was being friendly. plus I feel like if I be friendly back I have less of a chance of being attacked. so I told him my name and that I lived in the area (stupid move I know) he stretched his hand out for a handshake double checking on my name. i shook it and he pulled me close to him. i was freaked out. he held me and whispered in my ear "do you want anything baby? need me to buy you something?" I pulled away and tried to say im fine but words barely came out. i grabbed my phone and called the the first number i could and walked away. luckily he didn't follow...but now Im afraid for what couldve possibly happened.

these all happened within two days. there were a few other random cat calls and such. every time i feel like they know and are either fetishists like the wal mart guy or making fun of me. i dont really know how to handle these situations but i think I need to learn fast.

thoughts? stories of your own?

Some good, some not so.  I would have followed up on the girls myself but as my friends say, I'm such a dyke!  ;D
The others are: creepy:  and definitely dangerous. The phone was a good move, hopefully thought you were calling the Police. 
Still it is a start, just have to find the good ones.

Karen.

Eeeeeh... What the heck is up with people where you are? Strangers commenting on your butts out of the blue? Really? And random people hitting on you in a creepy manner. Even that Wal-mart guy, just hitting on a stranger like that. And saying he's especially into transsexuals? (Tip: run away) If I add that to that boob-groping dancer at the bar a while ago... I think there might be something seriously wrong with people's heads in Colorado, ahaha.

Oh, and Wal-mart at two in the morning? o_o Why?

...And why is it open so late to begin with? xD

Anyway, my way of dealing with such situations (even though there are very few) is systematic refusal and/or pretending not to hear. Works pretty well. But well, I'm not interested in relationships at all for the time being, contrarily to you~

I've found that some guys, straight or not, will hit on you when you're trans just because they think you're gonna be an easy lay. And yes, lots of guys in general are quite creepy when they hit on you. And then some are just fooling around and aren't really serious, they just make comments, ask questions, etc. and don't expect anything from it. You do need to learn to say no though and sometimes quite firmly too.

Oh, yeah, Eve. If you've trouble saying no, then we're in the same boat. How about playing naive and daze then? Ignore as much as humanly possible, and then go all "eh? what? who?"

The vast majority will get the message/get annoyed and leave.

Yes, I remember quiet a few situations like theses. Creepy guys asking for my name and phone number on the street and such. I was never really sure if it was directly linked to my transition or not but most of this stopped happening as time went on by.

The most outrageous thing to ever happen I wrote about in my transition diary:

"About ten minutes after I closed the store yesterday  there was a knock at the door and as usual I thought it might be a customer who had forgotten something or someone wanting to buy something even though we were closed. Standing behind the counter the door is obscured by an isle so I have to go over there to see who it is and what this person wants. When I get to the door I see this really jolly guy in the forties standing there smiling and pointing towards the lock. Obviously I'm not letting him in so I just yell that we're closed for the day and expect him to go away. But instead he shakes his head and does something so completely unbelievable. He pointed towards his crotch, pointed at me, then made an O shaped mouth while gesturing he was putting something in and out of it, then he rubbed his fingers together like he had cash in his hands while smiling and nodding at me. At first I was like 'Nah, this can't be for real, he must mean something else' so I just tell him we're closed one more time. And what does he do? He does the same thing over again. Same gestures and same jolly smile on his face. I'm not stupid and this time I know he is for real so I just shake my head and say 'No, no, no and no!', but does he take no for an answer? No, he doesn't. He just starts over again one more time and this whole process of him gesturing and me saying no repeats itself three or four times. After a while I realize he's not going to go away so instead I turn and walk away, but right as I'm start moving away he grabs his crotch Michael Jackson style, presses his body up against the glass while making obscene faces licking his lips etc. Not really knowing what to do I just turn and leave. Walking away I just know he's staring at me and when I get to the other side of the store I turn and look to see if he's gone or not. U-uh, still there smiling, nodding, pointing at his penis, pointing at me and his mouth. I figure it's best to move out of sight so I go do something where he can't see me. When I'm done doing whatever it was I needed to do I head back to the counter hoping he is gone, but no, he's still there making his gestures, so I go hide behind the counter. The store is video monitored, not just inside but outside as well so from behind the counter I can see him through the camera mounted just above him outside, and it takes a good 7-8 minutes before he eventually leaves. Meanwhile he's running back and forth outside trying to get a look at me through other windows. By now I don't know what to do cause I really want to leave but don't know whether he is gone or if he's just lurking around the corner or behind a car so I give it another few minutes before I leave with a big old padlock in my hand ready to defend myself should he attack me or something. Luckily he is gone and I can go home."

Wow that is really creepy. I know guys like that exist out there but they must be congregating in your area for some reason!

Any guy who asks if your transgender in the first 5 minutes of a conversation is - sadly - usually only after one thing and should be avoided at all costs. Also, i'm glad you didnt go for a ride with those two guys in their car; thats just asking for trouble imho  :-\

Hm. My 2¢: if a guy that is talking to me mentions anything about trans before I do (doesn't happen often but it happens), I find the fastest way out of the conversation that I can.

All that said, I'll say that the best defense that I have against dudes like that is attitude. I like being me. I know that I'm pretty. I also know that I don't take their crap when it comes to stuff like this. I tend to try to keep a full awareness of just how damned awesome I am in my head at all times, if I can manage it. Doesn't work all the time because, well, we all have our days where our condition weighs on us but in a city the size of Atlanta, I've never had to deal with creeps once because when they look at me, all they see is a pretty cute, really tall chick who is probably out of their league (or so I have been told by a guy I decided to flirt with).

I don't mind telling about the trans part. It's part of who I am in the same way that having cystic fibrosis is part of a sufferer of that condition. If a gut perks up once that's out of the bag tho, he's lost his chance. If he gets a little reserved, that's cool. If he walks away, ->-bleeped-<-'im, narrow minded pricks are a dime a dozen and I don't have time for 'em.

Keep yer chins up and don't worry about the douche-bags, ladies.

Oh, about that story about the guy outside the store making a proposition: next time, call the friggin cops.

P.S. - Pepper spray if you just carry keys/stun gun if you carry a purse. I don't generally expect to have to deal with creeps but they're always out there and running/fighting might not be an option. Worst case scenario, keys between fingers make great gouging implements.

Quote from: crazy old bat on June 15, 2012, 06:54:48 AM
I've found that some guys, straight or not, will hit on you when you're trans just because they think you're gonna be an easy lay. And yes, lots of guys in general are quite creepy when they hit on you. And then some are just fooling around and aren't really serious, they just make comments, ask questions, etc. and don't expect anything from it. You do need to learn to say no though and sometimes quite firmly too. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smakynet.com%2Fimages%2Fhello.gif&hash=4eb1a6f8f195c3402626816cdf7ba516b213b544)

I know what you mean.  Firm NO and put some distance between you.

I just say no or ignore them. But really I just wear boy clothes and that turns them off. Guys don't really hit on what they perceive as a hardcore tomboy (even though I'm not)

 To deal with people hitting on me, I have my pro ghost skills. Not making eye-contact, taking up little space, and stuff like that.

However, I still get hit on every now and then. It's not very common, but when I do I have a few things I can do.

First rule... I'm always nice. This isn't very good, but it's one of those things that I can't really help; being rude on purpose is something that I am incapable of. Though, I will note that I am great at being rude by accident.

Second... I have zillions of excuses, and many of them are true. The biggest contribution to these excuses is my phone excuse division. First, I don't have a phone (true). Second, I am afraid of using phones (true, but not the reason I don't have a phone). I'm always very busy (when I'm out, I always have many things lined up to do, but I am not as busy as I say I am), I am always on a time schedule (same thing), and I don't live in town.

Normally, those alone handle the situation. However, there are those stubborn few that would force me to be rude if I didn't have more excuses. If someone asks for my facebook or email, I tend to oblige, however I don't give the person the opportunity to meet me in person again unless they're about the same age as me (up to five years older, or one year younger) and not creepy. This is as simple as saying I'm not interested in going out anywhere; no excuses required. They have to be, potentially, people that are worth spending time with.

If he/she does seem like a decent person, then I may meet them in a public place. If things go exceptionally well, then great; I will disclose my trans status on either date one or date two. Dating is no easy thing for anyone though, when it comes to me. I put anyone through a rigorous trust-building sort of thing, as I have some serious trust issues and paranoia.

If they survive all of that, then they've got to be pretty awesome, and they're likely too good for me.

Ghost-powers activate. *Bewp*

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on June 15, 2012, 11:27:25 AM
If they survive all of that, then they've got to be pretty awesome, and they're likely too good for me.

*heartache for you* If they survive all that, go out with them and let them decide that? Just sayin'. Denying yourself happiness for a self-worth complex just isn't a way to live. My opinion only, of course, but taking chances has never led me astray in this way. Be safe but do try to live a little?

The boyish look definitely helps for me somewhat I think, that and my height is a bit intimidating, and I pretty much always have my music in when I'm on the street / public transportation. But I'm still nervous about how it's going to be when I move cities. Where I live now is such a sleepy, quiet city, nobody really does that kind of stuff... well nobody who isn't drunk/high anyway, and walking quickly mostly solves those problems. But I know they're looking, and I don't know what that will mean in TO. My sister keeps scaring me. :(

The weirdest and most unexpected thing so far has been flirting with / getting hit on by straight girls. Apparently this is a thing. I'm obviously queer and reasonably attractive so I'm sort of interesting and safe, because it's not ever trying to go anywhere.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on June 15, 2012, 11:43:49 AM
*heartache for you* If they survive all that, go out with them and let them decide that? Just sayin'. Denying yourself happiness for a self-worth complex just isn't a way to live. My opinion only, of course, but taking chances has never led me astray in this way. Be safe but do try to live a little?

Oh, by all means... I would go out with someone too good for me. I have done so. :) Unfortunately, we are just really good friends now - I don't mind at all, of course, because I feel she could definitely find someone better to be her girlfriend. To people that can put up with me, I think I make a great "Just-a-friend". :D

I don't really think it's a self-worth complex, though. In honesty, I'm not all that amazing - I am understanding, honest (to a fault), faithful, and very accepting, but I could stand to be a lot more empathetic... compassionate... spontaneous... and passionate. Among other things, I am sure. I'm also somewhat addicted to attention (moreso than most people, I think).

Then again... if it really were a self-worth complex, perhaps I would not know that I had one, and perhaps I wouldn't be able to see why right away. It can be difficult to draw the line between what about me really is bad, and what is just me being hard on myself.

I guess that's another thing to look into when I have the time and motivation. For now... I'll just continue to be me, for better or worse.

I haven't been hit on for a quite while now but in the past guys that have hit on me have been very sweet. None of them knew I was TS and might have run a mile if they knew.

Quote from: A on June 15, 2012, 06:36:25 AM
Even that Wal-mart guy, just hitting on a stranger like that. And saying he's especially into transsexuals? (Tip: run away)

Gonna have to agree with this, especially if you are not looking to have sex (because he probably is).

That type of thing happens to me sometimes, and I make sure when I'm going about my business to not make eye contact with strangers unless I need to. I'm not fulltime or anything - what is that anyway? - but do get quite a lot of stares when out in public because I keep a very androgynous look with shortish hair, very, very male clothes, but a feminine body and face.

You should never, ever shake a stranger's hand unless it's in a very public place or at work, and never, ever give anybody your phone number unless it's a secondary phone.

The thing about many men - especially gay, bisexual, and trans ->-bleeped-<-s who frequent the scene - is that they feel that because you are androgynous or trans, then you also frequent the scene and are therefore easy. What I mean by 'the scene' is places like bi sex clubs, adult cinemas, places like that. At those places it's normal for men to follow 'attractive' people around in the hopes that they might get sex out of them. Unfortunately, some people carry this with them into daily life, and feel that it's okay to approach or follow somebody who is clearly not part of the gender norm. I'm thinking in particular of that 30+ year old guy who shook your hand and pulled you in.

I have been to places like that in the past, and having people follow me around in that context is fine with me. Having it spill out into daily life though is creepy and scary and completely unacceptable though.

Only a few weeks ago for example, I was overseas and was visiting one of the main tourist attractions - a certain geothermal lagoon hotel. I'd just finished my dip in the lagoon, and was in the common area. It was quite early in the morning and there wasn't anybody else in the lagoon, and I thought the common area would be empty too, but there was a man sitting there just relaxing. I had to walk past him to get changed. As I walked past he spoke, saying "you know, you look really great." And I stopped, muttered a quick thank you, and trotted towards my locker to get my clothes and hide in the handicapped toilet to get dressed. He was waiting a little way outside the toilet after I'd got dressed, and I quickly stepped out of the place, went to my room to pack my things (it was my last day there) and headed to breakfast with my partner. He kept staring at us both during breakfast. When we went to leave to wait outside the hotel for the bus, he was standing near the hotel lobby window, milling around, and looking at me.

I was rather creeped out because he and I were by ourselves in the common area initially, and I think anything could have happened. He was a stocky, strong-looking man, and although I am not tiny - 5'8 and 150 lb - hormones have turned a lot of my weight into flab, and I'm nowhere near as strong as I used to be, and certainly can't defend myself against most men.

Again the safest thing to do is to not respond to strangers on the street, or respond only enough to be polite like a quick "Hello, sorry I'm in a rush got to go". If you want to meet people, meet them in other ways.

A good tip for the next time a guy hassles you for your number or facebook or whatever: You have a boyfriend. If the guy really won't let up, tell him you'll take his number. Then you can call or not. That's a good idea even if you're interested in the guy. It puts you in control of whether there's more contact or not.

the thing that confuses me the most is that lately Ive slacked on my appearance so a more androgynous style. so they must clearly be hitting on me because I'm trans. but I hate to think that I really dont pass anymore. especially when everyone has been telling me I look better. :/

the wal amrt guy wanted to take me out tonight. but I never heard fom him so that crisis was averted.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on June 15, 2012, 11:27:25 AM
If they survive all of that, then they've got to be pretty awesome, and they're likely too good for me.

Nope.  You're pretty awesome.

Quote from: Eve of chaos on June 16, 2012, 04:15:34 AM
the thing that confuses me the most is that lately Ive slacked on my appearance so a more androgynous style. so they must clearly be hitting on me because I'm trans. but I hate to think that I really dont pass anymore. especially when everyone has been telling me I look better. :/

the wal amrt guy wanted to take me out tonight. but I never heard fom him so that crisis was averted.

Maybe they aren't hitting on you because they think you're trans, but because they love the alternative/rebellious look ~. You tell, 'cause my judgement in biased as you know!

I thought all Americans were armed to the teeth?  I'd prefer a short barrelled .38 to a pepper spray any day! Pepper? I want to hurt them not eat them!

Actually the best thing is to call 000 or in your case 911, if they are a real weirdo.  Anyone like the guy at the door of the shop will have done similar or likely repeat it in the future.  The Police love video evidence, it makes interviewing them so much fun when you can produce it after they have denied everything.  The look on their face is priceless. >:-)

Karen.

happened again for the fourth day in a row. I was in line at subway during pridefest and some guy behind me starting trying to make conversation in line. I was friendly but i was trying to give the not interested vibe. he told me to wait for him after i got my food so I knew I'd have to say something.

he sat down with me and made it awkward to eat my meal. kept asking me stupid stuff then he finally said "when am I gonna see you again" so I said "depends on your intentions" then i just told him I',m into girls. he seemed really shocked. kept asking me "for real?" but really with the giant gay pride festival going on I dont think it shouldve been so shocking. im led to believe he did know I was trans and figured that must mean im into dudes. because next he said "well give me your number anyway, we can still kick it. i mean you have friends right?" I didnt get it right away but afterwards it hit me that he probably meant other tgirls. and so I no longer wish to go outside knowing I cant pass and im gonna get chased everyday.

while walking by the park i also overheard to men talking and laughing saying. "thats a boy" as much as it sucks to hear I'm glad I did. its at least nice to know that i dont pass instead of being so unsure all the time. :/

Quote from: Eve of chaos on June 17, 2012, 12:37:44 AM
happened again for the fourth day in a row. I was in line at subway during pridefest and some guy behind me starting trying to make conversation in line. I was friendly but i was trying to give the not interested vibe. he told me to wait for him after i got my food so I knew I'd have to say something.

he sat down with me and made it awkward to eat my meal. kept asking me stupid stuff then he finally said "when am I gonna see you again" so I said "depends on your intentions" then i just told him I',m into girls. he seemed really shocked. kept asking me "for real?" but really with the giant gay pride festival going on I dont think it shouldve been so shocking. im led to believe he did know I was trans and figured that must mean im into dudes. because next he said "well give me your number anyway, we can still kick it. i mean you have friends right?" I didnt get it right away but afterwards it hit me that he probably meant other tgirls. and so I no longer wish to go outside knowing I cant pass and im gonna get chased everyday.

while walking by the park i also overheard to men talking and laughing saying. "thats a boy" as much as it sucks to hear I'm glad I did. its at least nice to know that i dont pass instead of being so unsure all the time. :/

Honey I hope you're not so down about it. Let HRT do what it does. I didn't start passing until about month 7... and passing with ease until about 2 weeks ago (month 9). ->-bleeped-<-s are a let down, I know. Hopefully as time goes on and you are more and more passable, they'll leave you alone.

Quote from: Eve of chaos on June 17, 2012, 12:37:44 AM
happened again for the fourth day in a row. I was in line at subway during pridefest and some guy behind me starting trying to make conversation in line. I was friendly but i was trying to give the not interested vibe. he told me to wait for him after i got my food so I knew I'd have to say something.

he sat down with me and made it awkward to eat my meal. kept asking me stupid stuff then he finally said "when am I gonna see you again" so I said "depends on your intentions" then i just told him I',m into girls. he seemed really shocked. kept asking me "for real?" but really with the giant gay pride festival going on I dont think it shouldve been so shocking. im led to believe he did know I was trans and figured that must mean im into dudes. because next he said "well give me your number anyway, we can still kick it. i mean you have friends right?" I didnt get it right away but afterwards it hit me that he probably meant other tgirls. and so I no longer wish to go outside knowing I cant pass and im gonna get chased everyday.

while walking by the park i also overheard to men talking and laughing saying. "thats a boy" as much as it sucks to hear I'm glad I did. its at least nice to know that i dont pass instead of being so unsure all the time. :/

It hurts to hear things like "thats a boy". But the reality is that 100% passability is rare, so most of us have to live with it, unfortunately. It doesn't, however, change the fact that you may be passable during other times.

Quote from: Jamie D on June 16, 2012, 04:22:25 AM
Nope.  You're pretty awesome.

I'm flattered. :)

I don't think I get that often enough.

Quote from: Kelly J. P. on June 15, 2012, 11:27:25 AM
To deal with people hitting on me, I have my pro ghost skills. Not making eye-contact, taking up little space, and stuff like that.

However, I still get hit on every now and then. It's not very common, but when I do I have a few things I can do.

First rule... I'm always nice. This isn't very good, but it's one of those things that I can't really help; being rude on purpose is something that I am incapable of. Though, I will note that I am great at being rude by accident.

Second... I have zillions of excuses, and many of them are true. The biggest contribution to these excuses is my phone excuse division. First, I don't have a phone (true). Second, I am afraid of using phones (true, but not the reason I don't have a phone). I'm always very busy (when I'm out, I always have many things lined up to do, but I am not as busy as I say I am), I am always on a time schedule (same thing), and I don't live in town.

Normally, those alone handle the situation. However, there are those stubborn few that would force me to be rude if I didn't have more excuses. If someone asks for my facebook or email, I tend to oblige, however I don't give the person the opportunity to meet me in person again unless they're about the same age as me (up to five years older, or one year younger) and not creepy. This is as simple as saying I'm not interested in going out anywhere; no excuses required. They have to be, potentially, people that are worth spending time with.

If he/she does seem like a decent person, then I may meet them in a public place. If things go exceptionally well, then great; I will disclose my trans status on either date one or date two. Dating is no easy thing for anyone though, when it comes to me. I put anyone through a rigorous trust-building sort of thing, as I have some serious trust issues and paranoia.

If they survive all of that, then they've got to be pretty awesome, and they're likely too good for me.

Ghost-powers activate. *Bewp*

I think that's pretty good advice.

I probably wouldn't know how to deal with being hit on in such an impolite manner myself. I don't know if it's because I'm ugly or because Australians are not as bad as Americans in this regard, but I have been hit on about 3 times in the past 5+ years, nothing more than a pass-by comment each time.

Well, uhm, Eve, sorry to hear that... From people's comments on the thread and yours, I was really hoping that my impression was wrong.

Did you consider trying things like what I told you in the "Do I pass" thread? Feminising aspects of your new look like the piercings, etc? That alone might help a lot. If I just look at your nose piercing, I find it really male. If you could replace your ring with one more feminine, maybe it would give you a big boost.