Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So what do you look for in a therapist?

I know there is some concern about where your therapists might be personally on gender issues.

For me, I don't want a therapist to tell me they can help me be a normal "man" again and I also don't want a therapist who assumes that I must transition to a woman's body to be happy. Whichever way that God leads me I pray that it will be a journey that deepens me spiritually and leads me to serve my God in ever more meaningful ways.

I'm going to my first appointment tomorrow afternoon Tuesday the 10th of April. If you're interested I'll let you know how it goes.

Debbie

We're thankfully getting to a point where no therapist in their right, sane mind would try to make a transsexual or any other person with GID be a "man" again.  The body is easy to alter.  The mind?  Uh...  well, let's not screw with that.  Kind of a bad idea, you know?

All you need to look for in a therapist is someone who specializes in treating individuals with gender dysphoria.

~ Blair

Debbie,

My therapy has been to talk to people, like you, in which we can relate to each other.

When I was young I said many things without words.  I learned to never speak those words because it meant punishment.

At 18 I decided I would try to live as a guy and I would never speak it again.

At 20 I was so depressed I went to the university psychologist.  My comments got misinterpreted.

By 27 I drove myself to the hospital for having done what in not condoned on this site for six months.  I was suffering an anxiety attack and told the doctor everything.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  The doctor said I would be fine and to stop doing "that".   

My wife (with prodding from this site) was the first person I unequivocally told about TG.

A week after I told her she told me in bed I was crazy... but she loved me.

I only feel comfortable at this site for the time being.

W

Quote from: debbiej on April 09, 2007, 01:13:52 PM
For me, I don't want a therapist to tell me they can help me be a normal "man" again and I also don't want a therapist who assumes that I must transition to a woman's body to be happy.

A good therapist will do neither of those things.

They'll simply try to help YOU figure out what you need to do. They should never suggest courses of action, or lead you down any particular paths. They just make it a bit easier to get where YOU need to go.

Kate

My therapist has been wonderful. She understands me perfectly. When I first started with her she was the most kindest person in the world. She made me feel like is was a person first. Then she treated me as a woman second. I left no doubt in her mind I was suffering from GID.
Look for a kind and understanding person.

Peace of mind

Deb

Experience in a particular area, background, qualifications, etc

http://www.shef.ac.uk/counselling/staff/therapist.html

Well, I did it. I had my first session this afternoon and it was very good. Of course no great revelations but she is very nice, supportive and I was able to share things that I didn't think I'd be able to tell her for several more sessions. She made me feel very comfortable.

She answered all my questions and was able to assure me when I shared reservations about what I didn't want therapy to be for me. She assured me that she has had TG patients in the past and recently and that she has had experience and training when she was an intern.

Most importantly for me she was able to assure me that she had no preconceived notions about how my life would turn out after our sessions ended. I certainly didn't want a therapist that would try to "cure" me and I also didn't want any assumptions that I would eventually transition. She has had patients that have transitioned and patients that had decided that they would not. And of course she also recognizes the value of following the Standards of Care.

I think I got lucky and found a good therapist on the first try!!!

Thank you everyone for helping me get to this point in my journey.

Debbie

Quote from: debisl on April 09, 2007, 02:21:30 PM
My therapist has been wonderful. She understands me perfectly. When I first started with her she was the most kindest person in the world. She made me feel like is was a person first. Then she treated me as a woman second. I left no doubt in her mind I was suffering from GID.
Look for a kind and understanding person.

Peace of mind

Deb

The funny thing is I stepped into my therapist office and she knew after the first session (she got a little ahead of herself with me in fact). 

Generally speaking the more experience with transgender clients the better.  The therapist I see says 95% of her clients are transgender. 

Like anything, your chances are always better in big cities to find a really good therapist. 

Congratulations though on your first session and finding a therapist.  From all of what you have written it seems like you need at least therapy.  I do notice that you have significantly more ties to things that matter (Church, Family, Children) than I do.  Transitioning for me is a much easier choice, because I really have very little to lose. 

Experience and if possible understanding.  If you are lucky to get a therapist who is also TS, that will make the biggest difference in the whole world.  BTW the purpose of therapy is guidance and self-discovery; therefore, a therapist is not supposed to tell you what you should or should not do.  Any decisions made during the course of your treatment should only be made by one person, you! (and not your therapist)

tink :icon_chick:

The first 10 minutes of my first session were completely gruelling.  Trusting people does NOT come easily to me..I keep my own counsel, and I tend toward paralysis when someone tries to pry me open.  Anyway, I opened up to him about being TG first, then immediately rattled off a tirade about issues with my wife and my parents, trying to guide the conversation away from gender issues.  We talked a bit then he guided me back to my TG statement..."Now...what was that about being Transgender?"  By the end of the session I no longer had any fears of talking about anything to him.  All concerns of being stuck with a prejudicial or judgemental person were gone.  While he is not a specialist, and has never treated a TG person before, what I like is that everything I say has importance to him and he makes me feel that by providing suportive feedback.  From the moment I told him of my gender identity he has taken that as an absolute truth, and has not tried to convince me that it's in my head.  He listens..and helps me to explore options..never telling me what I SHOULD do, or how I should do it.  Ultimately, life decisions belong to us, and not our therapists.  So..I guess what I would look for in a therapist is open mindedness, ability to provide possitive feedback, and an acceptance of us as we present ourselves.

So hows the threropy sessions going? Is all well in the TG CAMP.

Annie,

I so glad you had a good experience!!  I had my second session with my TG therapist yesterday and I'm still very optimistic that she will be very helpful to me. She does have experience with TG issues and has certainly let her patients find their own way which is so important like other people here have said. She knows that it is a concern of mine that she not lead me anywhere so she's shared with me some other stories of folks that have made various decisions on how to deal with their TG issues. From complete transition to finding ways to cope without full transition.

I have also started marriage counseling with my wife. When we told our marriage counselor of my TG issue he immediately said that, yes, he has had experience with TG issues and launched into a speech on Kinsey's scale and how my apparent bi-bisexuality is a choice and a learned expression of my sexuality rather than something that I was born with. Urrrghhhh!!!!  I'm glad I'm not seeing him for my TG issues.

We eventually came to the conclusion that he will help my wife and I communicate with each other during our sessions and he won't be trying to "fix" me so we can stay together.

So.... Lesson learned?  Yes.... lesson learned. You do have to be careful who you chose for your therapist.

Lucy,  Have you had your second visit yet? How's the second week of your two weeks off going?

I must say, my wife and I have never felt closer in the 23 years we've been married than we do right now. That may change tomorrow. Who knows. But for now we've been talking like we never have before and it is strengthening our relationship which makes everything else easier to deal with and its making it easier to have patience with the process. If I eventually transition completely and it takes another year or two because I'm taking this beautiful person along with me it will be worth the wait.

Debbie

The couseller that I have been asigned to has no experience with TG issues but is looking for me for someone that has, I have had only the one session so far and am waiting my second on Friday. I find this whole issue very difficult to talk about and dont know what to say during out meetings.

As you say though, my relationship with my wife is stronger now I feel than it has been for a few years. We have only been married a short while but this is really prooving to be a very hard time for both of us.

I am trying to encourage her to talk to the other SOs on here but she is not interested, she does not understand how I feel at all and does not want to know.

Will talk to you all soon, good luck Debbie hope it all works out with your theropists.

I think word of mouth from others is a good start,qualifications in different areas,how they react/respond at the first appointment and for me I useually now after the first 10 minutes whether I like then whether they are psychs or councilors,females or males,useually your gut instink is the best.

Floritine

Quote from: debbiej on April 09, 2007, 01:13:52 PM
So what do you look for in a therapist?

A nice ass.

But besides that, the experience of having written that letter of recommendation at least a couple of times.  Why waste $$ on anyone else?  I suppose if you have access to several therapists that have written letters, you could find the one with the nicest penmanship.  You know, something really elegant and flowing that will cause the SRS surgeon to do an extra special job.

3-day weekend coming up!!!

xo
Suzie

I tried to talk to one without experience and she didn't take me seriously at all - it knocked my confidence for about a year and i didnt talk to anyone else about it after that, until recently. Not knocking those therapists who have no experience but do try and help you out, just letting you know of my experience. I still think its important to talk to *someone* even if thy have no experience, if they're willing to listen with an open mind.

QuoteShe does have experience with TG issues and has certainly let her patients find their own way which is so important - like other people here have said. She knows that it is a concern of mine that she not lead me anywhere so she's shared with me some other stories of folks that have made various decisions on how to deal with their TG issues. From complete transition to finding ways to cope without full transition.

I just quoted my self. Hope that's okay. Here's my addendum to what I said before:

I had a bad couple of days last week and when I went to see my therapist I thought I was ready to ask for HRT. So I did. She said she didn't think I was at the point where she could feel right about signing a letter. So I was encouraged to do some other things first. So I went home and thought about it and a couple days later I asked my wife if she could handle me shaving my beard and she said yes. Woopeee!!!  It lasted about three days. Turns out my wife was not ready for another step as simple as shaving my face - let alone starting hormone therapy. After 5 weeks with my therapist she knew enough about me and my priorities in all this that HRT was not what I needed at that moment. Even though I was convinced, because of a few "bad" days, that I absolutely needed to start HRT.

So, today my wife and I saw our marriage therapist (me with 5 days of beard stubble) and afterward we stopped by the drug store and she bought me some hair removal creme for my hands and and some polish for my nails. Then we went to get one of my ears pierced. I'll do the other one in a month or so.

So, what's my point?

Since my therapist wasn't willing to waltz down the road with me signing letters whenever I asked, my marriage still has hope and the person who I need desperately to continue on this journey with me, no matter where it takes me, is still by my side and still supporting me.

Yes, be careful who you chose as a therapist. If all they do is sign letters for you, you might regret it later.

Debbie

We don'r have therapists in the U.K......we have psychiatrists and psychologists..

QuoteWe don'r have therapists in the U.K......we have psychiatrists and psychologists..

I've been know to get my terminology wrong before but... I'm fairly certain that when U.S.ians talk about therapists its a generic term for psychologist/psychologists. I believe both professions can provide therapy. I have a friend with a Masters degree who is a therapist. The person I see for my GID has a doctorate and she also calls herself a therapist.

Debbie

Quote from: debbiej on July 07, 2007, 09:40:59 AM

QuoteWe don'r have therapists in the U.K......we have psychiatrists and psychologists..

I've been know to get my terminology wrong before but... I'm fairly certain that when U.S.ians talk about therapists its a generic term for psychologist/psychologists. I believe both professions can provide therapy. I have a friend with a Masters degree who is a therapist. The person I see for my GID has a doctorate and she also calls herself a therapist.

Debbie

No psychiatrist or psychologist has ever provided me with any therapy, they are usually a brick wall between patient and treatment. The London NHS psychiatrists we get in the U.K try 'bully boy' tac tics and try and trip us up over something....usually anything to use as an excuse to not provide help for us....

Dear Debbie,

Have the therapists given you new insights about yourself?

Have you found more peace within yourself?

Has your wife become more accepting?

Hope you are well!

W

Competence, confidence, intelligence, sureness of herself and the 'treatment vector' by which to effect healing..., genuine concern....

and a sense of humanity.

I have just described my new therapist, Kathryn.

Berliegh,

I am so sorry that you haven't been able to find the help that you deserve. I sense your great frustrations and I wish there was something that I could do to help.  :icon_frown:

Wendy,

Its my busy time of year so I haven't been able to see my therapist for a few weeks. When I first started I was pretty stressed out and my weekly visits gave me a goal to work towards (If I can just make it till Tuesday and I'll be able to talk about this) While I appreciate the sessions with her, I really don't miss them too much, now that my life is filled with busyness at work again. I go again a week from Tuesday. She's helped me clarify what my goals are and that they don't need to follow the typical GID patterns.

More peace within myself? Yes, I think I'm dealing with this with a much more level head than I had 3 months ago.

My wife? She has been absolutely amazing through all of this. I am very very lucky to have her walking this road with me.

Yes Wendy, I am well. I hope you are the same. I feel like I've lost touch with you.  :embarrassed: I guess I haven't been posting or reading as much as I used to at Susan's Place.

And thanks for your concern. You always make me feel like you care about me. That's nice.  :)  YOU are nice!!!


Rhonda,

I am so glad you found a therapist that pleases you. I wish we could all be so fortunate. While I appreciate my therapist I was hoping for a little more... something. I'm not sure what it is. There is a certain amount of distance between us that may be necessary to maintain the professional boundaries but still -- I wish it wasn't there.

Debbie

QuoteRhonda,

I am so glad you found a therapist that pleases you. I wish we could all be so fortunate. While I appreciate my therapist I was hoping for a little more... something. I'm not sure what it is. There is a certain amount of distance between us that may be necessary to maintain the professional boundaries but still -- I wish it wasn't there.

Debbie

More like 'blessed', hon, but I sustained substantial emotional damage with the previous therapist.

Sometimes 'trial and error' can be fatal.

Not being insulted the entire session. A frivolous hope. ::)

Quote from: Nero on July 08, 2007, 04:04:16 AM
Not being insulted the entire session. A frivolous hope. ::)

You've got to be kidding me, my brother.

I don't like to be negative but...

I have therapist friend who, of course, knows a lot of other therapists through her work. She says some of these people have some serious issues of their own and don't always keep those issues to from affecting their work with their clients.

On the positive side, I know that there are many therapists who have entered the profession with every good intension of helping others and are doing just that. I was fortunate to have my friend who helped my wife and I find a good one for our marriage counseling who was also on my insurance company's list of "acceptable" therapists. I think I was fortunate again and found a good GID therapist the first time. I was very frustrated, though, that it had to be off of a list that my insurance company mandated. Other Transfolk in my area recommended someone else that may have been better and more experienced but that was not an option because they weren't on "the list". 

You're absolutely right Rhonda, after you finally find a good therapist you might have to deal with the harm caused by your first, second and third therapist. I hope, in general, that the odds are in your favor and that there are more good therapists than bad and most folks will find a good one early in their search.

Nero,

I'm glad you were able to see your therapist for the JERK that he/she was. I fear for those who might not recognize a dysfunctional relationship and not get out before the damage has been done.

Love to you all

Debbie

Quote from: Rhonda on July 08, 2007, 05:06:34 AM

Quote from: Nero on July 08, 2007, 04:04:16 AM
Not being insulted the entire session. A frivolous hope. ::)

You've got to be kidding me, my brother.

*sigh* nope. no joke. my hair is too feminine, I should become a gym bunny and get all muscley, etc.
apparently, I don't fit her perception of a 'man'. ::)

Quote*sigh* nope. no joke. my hair is too feminine, I should become a gym bunny and get all muscley, etc.
apparently, I don't fit her perception of a 'man'.

Grrrr >:( It's hearing things like this that reinforce my disagreement with current system requiring these gatekeepers for changing gender. There are many ways to express our genders, inclusive of butch M2F of femme FTM...

zythyra

Quote from: Nero on July 08, 2007, 07:32:27 AM

Quote from: Rhonda on July 08, 2007, 05:06:34 AM

Quote from: Nero on July 08, 2007, 04:04:16 AM
Not being insulted the entire session. A frivolous hope. ::)

You've got to be kidding me, my brother.

*sigh* nope. no joke. my hair is too feminine, I should become a gym bunny and get all muscley, etc.
apparently, I don't fit her perception of a 'man'. ::)

And since when was her mere subjective perception of how that she defines masculinity, germane to the management of your TS?

It's immaterial, my brother. You are dealing with TS and that is only what is relevant here.

Given my anger issues and 'core beliefs', I would not react well at all, to such.

Not at all.

My first time with a therapist was a marriage counselor. She suggested I meet with a sex therapist. my wife was going to meet with the marriage counselor for help in dealing with my TG issues. OK she referred to as my crossdressing. The marriage counselor said she had no experience with crossdressing but agreed to research it and meet with my wife. We have financial problems so she offered a token payment so my wife could get help. So it comes time for the first meeting and my wife gets stood up. She waits for an entire hour in the waiting room and the counselor doesn't show. The excuse, "I didn't write it down, so I forgot" . That ended that help.
SO I go to the local TG therapist, the sex therapist. He runs a monthly TS group meeting. There is a free 50 minute intake session required. Great. I go to the meeting. I opened up and told him what I am and asked for permission to join the group. He agreed that I am TS and would write a letter for HRT after the group. I should say that I have been DIY HRT for 5 years. I wanted to have my HRT be according to the SOC. I managed so far because I went to graduate school in Biochemistry at a medical school. He agreed and said I was well grounded enough for the letter after one group meeting. The letter would cost $25.  I go to the meeting and it was wonderful. He pitched his new book for sale there. It was on reviving a dead sex life. I had no interest so I didn't buy it. After the meeting which went very well and I felt right at home, he asks me if I want a one on one session. That would cost $125. But we had agreed that all I needed was gatekeeper services. I said I would have to think it over as he knew I was severely restricted in my ability to pay.
Well, I tried to contact him twice since then about the letter and he won't respond. It seems that I have have been dumped. I can't go back to group now under these circumstances. I am very sad that once again, a therapist let me down. There is no other therapist within practical driving distance. I have no other options now. And lets get this straight, I do not recommend DIY HRT to anyone. My case is very unique and I'm only making it by the grace of God.

QuoteNo psychiatrist or psychologist has ever provided me with any therapy, they are usually a brick wall between patient and treatment. The London NHS psychiatrists we get in the U.K try 'bully boy' tac tics and try and trip us up over something....usually anything to use as an excuse to not provide help for us....

Berliegh,

I'm am truly sorry for your disappointments in the HHS and in the Psychiatrists and Psychologists in your country. You should be commended for your tenacity in trying to make the system work for you even though you've been frustrated at every turn.

As an outsider looking in I do want to make a comment and I hope you don't take offense:

You talk about the brick wall between patient and treatment. I'm sure you are speaking figuratively. I worry though that - because you have grown accustomed to seeing that brick wall that you have placed a few bricks there yourself.  I'm sure they started building it on there side of the wall first and, in your own self defense you started placing bricks on your side too.

I am worried that there may be one good doctor left in the NHS that has been taking bricks down on her/his side of the wall and that you won't be able to see them because of the bricks you've been placing in your own wall.


Maggie,

The grace of God is powerful. Your frustrations and your continuing journey despite the frustrations is a testimony to that power.

QuoteThe excuse, "I didn't write it down, so I forgot"

Not to make lite of your situation but I've said those words before. Its not a good excuse but as I was telling someone this morning "I have a mind like a cheap sieve. Many times thoughts just seep right through but occasionally the holes get clogged and I actually remember things with out writing them down first (putting them on my calendar) or making sure I take care of them right away.

God's grace is powerful and so is forgiveness. The marriage counselor, while not the best person for your TG, at least she was willing to go the extra mile and do the research. She still might be willing if you can get past the frustration of her not remembering to write down that first appointment.

Debbie

Quote from: debbiej on July 26, 2007, 01:02:42 PM
...I have a mind like a cheap sieve. Many times thoughts just seep right through but occasionally the holes get clogged and I actually remember things with out writing them down first...

Debbie that is funny.
.............

I notice friends disappear on this forum and their status turns to "Guest".  I know everything is secretive but I wonder if they are O.K.

..................
I hope you are fine!