Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Does anyone else struggle being non-binary? Does anyone else feel trapped by it? What do you do?
(Unfortunately, talking to a therapist is not an option.)

Quote from: Edge on July 15, 2012, 02:49:24 PM
Does anyone else struggle being non-binary? Does anyone else feel trapped by it? What do you do?
(Unfortunately, talking to a therapist is not an option.)

Yeah Edge. I really do. I am not, at this point, exactly sure I *am* non-binary. At least I feel pulled by binary (but ftm). What I struggle with most is the thing that I am thinking about it all the time (more or less) but really there is nothing I can do about it at all. Acceptance seems the logical one but it isn't forthcoming. I feel churning on the inside. I think it would be easier to accept if I KNEW somehow I was non-binary, which I don't.

People do not really accept you as non-binary (in most cases) because they can't put their head around it. They might accept you as you. And the rest of the world has no clue about it at all.

I really don't have any answers. I am talking to someone. But I am not always sure it is doing any good. Anyway you aren't in this alone for however much that helps.


--Jay Jay

Thanks. Knowing I'm not alone helps. I'm not exactly sure I'm non-binary either, but I think I have to be since I used to identify as female. I feel pulled toward being male and the idea of being completely male makes me feel really happy, but... why now?

All of the time, Edge. Some days are better than others but at the end of the day I realize that I have no "destination" with this and that there is nothing I can do to stop the feelings/urges. The best i can hope for is to find a way to manage these feelings/urges and find ways to cope when Ms. GID comes around.

I'm bigender and when a hard flip has occurred I can write in my journal, sleep, or if i'm in a safe physical location i can dress en femme. Just keeping my femme things nearby to me lessens the angst for some reason.

Low dose HRT has flattened the peaks and valleys and has smoothed the ride quite a bit.

Reading Susans helps too, knowing that i'm not the only person rowing this boat.

Edge I feel the same way. Some days are better than others but almost everyday there is at least a bit of time that it is bothersome.

I do feel trapped by it cause I get afraid that if I would go see a therapist and start hrt then what would happen if I then felt like a male. I don't believe in taking drugs that won't help with anything. This hurts cause there are times when I know I'm a female that I can see myself as one totally.
Coming to Susans and seeing that there are other that have the same issues has helped a lot.

Yeah I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about how drawn I am to taking T. I am not worried about "taking drugs" but how big a thing this is.


--Jay Jay

I don't think there's ever been a time where I felt comfortable in the binary. 's just not me.

I've struggled with it, more so in the past than today. It was the main source of my being bullied in middle/high school; I was a "she-male", too hairy, too deep a voice for a girl, didn't wear the right clothes or shoes. During the worst of it I considered suicide, but thankfully found my way out again. I was always wondering why so many people seemed to hate me so much, why I never seemed to fit in anywhere.

Wasn't until I got to college and found a crapton of other people like me, and educated myself on the gender spectrum that things got easier. Nowadays I'm an out and proud genderfluid bisexual, and I don't give a flying fart in space what other people say. If they can't deal with me, I don't want to be around them anyway.

Ah so you're the opposite of me. When I was female all the time (I think), I was comfortable being female. When I am male, I am comfortable being male (aside from the dysphoria). The problem I struggle with is the fact that I switch.
I will most likely never be able to transition (not unless I settle as one) because being able to shapeshift is impossible. That sucks.

Yea Edge wouldn't it be awesome if we could just shapeshift on how we felt at the time? I know i do.

Quote from: Edge on July 17, 2012, 04:23:23 PM
...being able to shapeshift is impossible. That sucks.

Damn right  :-\

I find it very liberating. Being non-binary means I no longer need to worry about those petty distinctions and expectation and can get on with being the best me I can.

Quote from: Pica Pica on July 23, 2012, 08:17:39 AM
I find it very liberating. Being non-binary means I no longer need to worry about those petty distinctions and expectation and can get on with being the best me I can.

I have kind of admired you, Pica. But I don't know that everyone feels the same way.
If you know for sure what's going on with you, you have the freedom to be who you are. I think in my case and Edge's (at least I get the idea from the posts) and probably other people here they are NOT so sure what is going on.

The other uncertainty can be what you want to do about this. Like if you want hormones or something like that? I personally feel drawn by them. I think you are in a good place-- at least from everything I have read about you. But not everybody is there.

The other thing is that fluid is pretty hard, because you have to adjust to either or neither. I know people (in my real life) who have adjusted to it, and feel happy in it, so I know this is possible. But don't know how long they felt confused in it.

--Jay Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on July 23, 2012, 12:13:26 PM
I think in my case and Edge's (at least I get the idea from the posts) and probably other people here they are NOT so sure what is going on.

The other uncertainty can be what you want to do about this. Like if you want hormones or something like that? I personally feel drawn by them. I think you are in a good place-- at least from everything I have read about you. But not everybody is there.

The other thing is that fluid is pretty hard, because you have to adjust to either or neither.

I think it's mainly these for me plus there is no middle ground I would be happy with.

Quote from: Edge on July 15, 2012, 02:49:24 PM
Does anyone else struggle being non-binary? Does anyone else feel trapped by it? What do you do?
(Unfortunately, talking to a therapist is not an option.)

Well, you know I struggle, and I feel painfully trapped. Can't envision a happy way out of this.

What do I do? Post on Susan's, go to a Transgender support group, have a a non-binary pen pal that I can share my frustration with, and try to relate the best I can given my limitations.

Am tempted by transition, but the effects would be cataclysmic and far reaching.

I understand what most of you are going through. Have been there, myself.
One of the things that I found here at Susan's a couple years back was the absurdity of many posts.
They were written with some intention, some just turned out that way. It was fun.

The point is that in order to deal with what many of you are going through, you are being overwhelmed, it seems.
The questions and answers and comments are just to serious. Take a break from it.

Trapped, cataclysmic, painful, uncertainty, pretty hard (to do), can't.
People don't except, wrapping heads around it, no middle ground.

Stop looking for answers to what you think are the downside of things. Pica gave you a great direction...liberating.
Riven gave a solution that works for many. Low dose HRT.
Humble Savant, your precious. Don't give a flying fart in space what others think about you.

These are more than clues or directions or answers. They are solutions.
If you can't see the up side, turn it over or turn it around.
Those glimmers of insight you have been getting every so often? They're probably correct.
Use them, you get them for a reason.
They are your own solutions, the ones that fit you.
There isn't any clear cut answers, or there would have been a handbook written telling you what to do.
Clarify your questions, to yourselves. You will find an answer that is more clear to you.

This isn't a trap. There isn't a middle ground. You will find your way.
It takes a little time, there are many things to consider. Just not all at once.
Have some fun with this. It's only as serious as you make it.
It's also as absurdly fun as you make it. There's your answer.

Ativan

Well said, Ativan  :) Thanks for your wise words.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on July 23, 2012, 08:59:26 PM

The questions and answers and comments are just to serious. Take a break from it.

I know you mean well Ativan, and I love the fact that you resurrected the "thread that can't be derailed".

But there is value in hearing that there are other people who are sharing your dilemmas and heartaches and having a forum to talk about them. I disagree that the comments here are too serious. Some of what I'm going through this week IS serious to me and it's nice to connect with others who take it seriously as well.

Sorry for reacting so negatively to a post that clearly is trying to help, but I do resent when people feel the need to dispel seriousness that might be helpful to others with a "let's all lighten up mates!"

I agree with agfrommd. I come here specifically so that I can talk about this stuff. Not talking about it doesn't mean that this goes away for me. It just means that I feel pressured to hide and bottle it up to make someone else happy. That makes me feel even worse.

AG and Edge, I agree with this. I felt I was being cut down in trying to discuss this. I kind of tried to think of an adequate response to this. I think it was meant well and actually was a good response in some ways. However, I don't think someone who has just started this journey (3 months for me) is just going to read some post and wow, that's going to shed light on everything and I won't think about this anymore. And I think some people by their natures struggle with things a lot of more than others. I definitely get that from Edge. You are not going to make some people sort of careless who are more moody.

Actually with me, I feel I have to watch out as this could sort of flip to clinical depression, where I have been before in my life and where I don't actually want to go again. I'm sure some people on this board at that place.

--Jay Jay

Jay Jay, AG, and Edge.
I meant no offense, I had a hard time trying to relate that.
It was written from compassion, nothing else, nothing more, nothing less.

It's all difficult and it is hard.
I read what you write and sometimes it just knots me up inside.
I have been there. In a lot of ways I still am.

Jay Jay, I have great difficulties with depression.
I am bipolar, my manic is just a little crazy, yet fun.
My depressive states have led me to many stays in Psyche Units.
I am the poster boy of weird mental abberations.
My world has the darkest of places that I go to, that I find myself in.
I lived most of a decade in an evil darkness that I chose to live in. Hey, it was an adventure, lol.
My outward changes have been long and slow, and I haven't a clue as to where I'm going.
I too, have all the difficulties of having to deal with people who just don't get it.

I'm sorry if anyone else feels the same way.
It hurts me to hear the same things that I go through or have gone through.
It wasn't my intention to cause more of it, for anyone.
It was just the opposite. I don't have a way of writing, expressing, that.
I took a shot in the dark, so to speak.
I wanted to lift this thread up, a little.
I'll leave it alone. It wasn't my place to say anything.

Ativan

*big bear hugs for Ativan*
Yeah, we know you are speaking from compassion and that is some rather good advice. I'm currently watching youtube videos as a lighthearted distraction. ;D
I'm of the kind of personality that needs to dissect and understand everything especially myself. I'm not happy if I don't. That's just my personality type though and I like having this personality type, but I understand that not everyone does.
That and talking about this does help make me feel less alone plus people saying that they used to be where I am gives me hope that I will get used to this. Or I might turn out to be binary and just be slower than usual. Who knows.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on July 24, 2012, 02:20:04 PM
Jay Jay, AG, and Edge.
I meant no offense, I had a hard time trying to relate that.
...
Jay Jay, I have great difficulties with depression.
I am bipolar, my manic is just a little crazy, yet fun.
My depressive states have led me to many stays in Psyche Units....

....
I'll leave it alone. It wasn't my place to say anything.

Ativan

I knew you did not mean offense. And I didn't take it that way, except, it is a hard thing following a post that's all light and breezy with any apparent heavy stuff.

I have a similar history of depression (no manic part). I am watching this. I seem to be distractible with my feelings for now. Last night I spent a wonderful hour or so watching old Sally Ride stuff. The ability to feel positive feelings, that's really important in  how severe depression is.

Being a member of this forum gives you the "right". It's normal to step on each other's toes (so to speak) now and again.

--Jay Jay

Quote from: Edge on July 15, 2012, 02:49:24 PM
Does anyone else struggle being non-binary? Does anyone else feel trapped by it? What do you do?
(Unfortunately, talking to a therapist is not an option.)

Edge 


I have found being non binary to be at times a struggle, a conflict, an uneasy truce, a trip, a journey, a discovery, a  curse and a blessing.  It has been a process,  a path towards accepting and understanding myself and others.  It has been non- linear, moving to and from understanding myself as a successful and stereo typical male, a cross dressing male, a more sensitive male, potentially a mtf ts;, a male with gid, a tg mtf, and currently a tg mta. 


Along the way I have started and restarted counselling, psychiatric therapy, hrt, had full ffs and found respite or comfort from low dose hrt.  I am now no longer fleeing towards safety or from discomfort but am now less easily  labelelled.  The ever present need to cross dress or present as female has disappeared. I dont 'need' the breasts that have started to grow, I do love the greater emotional amplitude, and I am finally in a good place even though I dont think it has a name, has boundaries or normal city limits.   Will I stay here - I dont know.  Am I here because I am scared that I wont 'pass' or that I will hurt or lose family and friends - perhaps, but for the first time I am not beating myself up. 


The stress that normally heightens the GID has quietened, the destructive self critique has stopped and for the moment I am celebrating the journey and what it is to be born human with all of our weaknesses and flawed understandings.  I am in a good place.