Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi Everyone,

I'm new, so a brief intro:  I'm 26, mtf, pre-transition, and have been seeing a therapist for close to a month now, with transitioning on the horizon.

I have yet to come out to anyone besides my therapist, so there's going to be plenty of these moments on the horizon.  While I don't want to get my hopes up, I do believe I'll have a very supporting network of friends and family.

The one issue that does concern me, though, is coming out to my roommates...currently five guys.  Two of them are leaving soon, but will be replaced with at least one other guy friend (who I consider to be very close).  All of our friends are vocally queer-friendly, and we a have mutual acquaintance (though not a close friend) who is trans.  I was even able to put out a feeler when the singer of our collective-favorite-band recently came out as trans, so I feel like there isn't a negative predisposition.

My question to all of you: are there any girls out there who came out to and transitioned around male roommates?  What advice do you have?  I think while my biggest fear is not being accepted by them, the most active fear I have is changing the dynamics of our living arrangement for the worse (ie, roommates holding back on crass humor, etc).  It feels conflicting, too- as distressed as I've always felt for not being included in the "girls' club," it makes me sad to think the guys I live with might start treating me too sensitively.

Thanks for a moment of your time! :)

my roomates said they could tell. maybe yours can too

I was sharing an apartment with with my brother an another good friend when I came out and started my transition. For my brother it was no big deal. The other friend told me he was okay with it but two weeks later he had moved out. That was 9 years ago and I haven't heard from him since. Something must have been up with him anyway because non of our mutual friends have heard from him since then either. My brother later told me that he suspected the guy was gay and had a secret crush on him.


So anyways, another male friend that was totally okay with it all moved in, my brother moved out to live with his gf and a female friend of mine moved in with her bf. It was great and a very special part of my life. We all lived together for about 8 months before I got a place of my own. Good times :)


I can't really give much advice on the matter though. It really comes down to the people you live with and what they are like. Just try not to be too intense about your transition. I've had friends come out as gay, and when they do they are totally intoxicated by the whole thing and act so gay it becomes annoying. I didn't really notice it myself at the time but I'd say that the first year of my transition and hrt I pretty much insane. Transition is a process for all parties involved and you don't want to drive people away, so be careful not to overload the people around you with your trans roller coaster ride.

Thank you Tristan and Maria!

Quote from: MariaMx on August 02, 2012, 10:19:31 AM
I can't really give much advice on the matter though. It really comes down to the people you live with and what they are like. Just try not to be too intense about your transition. I've had friends come out as gay, and when they do they are totally intoxicated by the whole thing and act so gay it becomes annoying. I didn't really notice it myself at the time but I'd say that the first year of my transition and hrt I pretty much insane. Transition is a process for all parties involved and you don't want to drive people away, so be careful not to overload the people around you with your trans roller coaster ride.

This is actually great advice.  And while there's no way for me to know how I'll feel and react when I start my hrt, I identify as very tomboyish, so my hope is this brings down the intensity.  But it will be good to keep that in check, and I want to make this a point when I come out to them- "please let me know what makes you uncomfortable."

And something I didn't include in my original post: an ex roommate (left on very good terms) expressed interest in moving back in.  To get a quick idea of the place, it's a large artists' loft, composed of 3 studios (2 people per studio) and a common area.  The two who are moving out currently share a space, and the plan is for me to move in alone, with my friend filling in my current room.  So if this ex roommate returned, he would be sharing a space with me...

I was able to come up with an excuse for wanting the space to myself "temporarily" (I have a dog, so the excuse is giving him room to grow out of the puppy phase), but the subject is bound to come back up in a couple months.  And the chance to split rent on the space is very tempting.  But I don't want to come out until I'm about to start HRT.  So frustrating!  I need to stop being difficult, and start telling people about my plans!

your welcome

Quote from: Dee on August 02, 2012, 07:07:31 PM
This is actually great advice.  And while there's no way for me to know how I'll feel and react when I start my hrt, I identify as very tomboyish, so my hope is this brings down the intensity.  But it will be good to keep that in check, and I want to make this a point when I come out to them- "please let me know what makes you uncomfortable."

That is probably not a bad idea but be aware that people might be reluctant to tell you or they might be uncomfortable with some aspect of your transition that you are unwilling or unable to curb. Also, once on hrt you might not react to well to someone telling you you are making them uncomfortable. Like for instance my good friend and roommate that first told me he was okay with everything and then moved out shortly afterwards without so much as telling me before he moved, I was devastated far beyond what the situation called for. Things that didn't go my way or hurt me in some way had a tendency to balloon up completely out of proportions compared to how I would be affected either before or after my transition, so be wary of this.


Another thing to keep in mind is that as you progress on you will become a different person. I had a best friend back then and we were very very close. We were hanging out all the time, weekends and weekdays, and had done so for more than a decade by this time and we were practically like family. He was very very supportive of me but my transition nearly destroyed our friendship. He stuck with me but after about a year we had a huge falling out. I'm not 100% sure exactly what happened but I am thinking he felt that he lost his best friend as I was not the same person anymore, and on top of that I had become extremely emotional, bitchy and self-absorbed. For a while we didn't speak but in time I sort of normalized, he got used to the new me and we did eventually become friends again. This time however it is a very different friendship. We still have a really good time whenever we get together, and in a way he is still my best friend, but it obviously is not like in the past, nor should it be I guess.

Quote
I need to stop being difficult, and start telling people about my plans!

Yes, you really should  :)

Quote from: MariaMx on August 03, 2012, 04:11:28 PM


That is probably not a bad idea but be aware that people might be reluctant to tell you or they might be uncomfortable with some aspect of your transition that you are unwilling or unable to curb. Also, once on hrt you might not react to well to someone telling you you are making them uncomfortable.

You're right, and it's definitely something I've considered.  The "let me know" thing was an idea I keep going back and forth on...it's easy to put the idea out there, but it could easily just add more eggshells to walk on.  It's a gesture I'd certainly like to consider, though...but evidently, my attitude towards transitioning has been overly apologetic, when I shouldn't have to be (more on that in a moment).

Quote from: MariaMx on August 03, 2012, 04:11:28 PM

Another thing to keep in mind is that as you progress on you will become a different person. I had a best friend back then and we were very very close. We were hanging out all the time, weekends and weekdays, and had done so for more than a decade by this time and we were practically like family. He was very very supportive of me but my transition nearly destroyed our friendship. He stuck with me but after about a year we had a huge falling out. I'm not 100% sure exactly what happened but I am thinking he felt that he lost his best friend as I was not the same person anymore, and on top of that I had become extremely emotional, bitchy and self-absorbed. For a while we didn't speak but in time I sort of normalized, he got used to the new me and we did eventually become friends again. This time however it is a very different friendship. We still have a really good time whenever we get together, and in a way he is still my best friend, but it obviously is not like in the past, nor should it be I guess.

It's true.  I keep telling myself that I'm the same person, and would continue to be, but this is really just based on my interests, etc.  Without even mentioning what effects HRT would have on me emotionally, just finally being in the right social role will have a dramatic effect on my personality.


Now, the "more on this"- The other night, I came out to the friend who's moving in.  I'm still in shock the courage was there to say something (the sun was coming up, and we had long since sobered up), but so far, it's been overwhelmingly positive.  He kept reassuring me that while he didn't know or have any experience with this, he would be there every step of the way.  I don't want to put pressure on my friends by holding them to the highest standards, but he said everything you could hope to hear.  He also pointed out that I seemed very comfortable with what I had to say, and that the only thing holding me back was just being able to say it outwardly, without apologizing.  He was encouraging, and pointed out that he had noticed the only times I ever crack are when I do it to myself.  (Not sure how confident I seem in this forum, but I'm very timid easily stressed out with most aspects in real life.)

We even hung out the next day, like it didn't feel any different, just...better.  I dunno, for all I know, I was probably awkwardly quiet, haha.  But it's totally liberating!  I can do this!  Now, to figure out who I'm telling next...

Congratulations on your coming out! Sounds a lot like my first coming out. I it feels great :)

Don't be too apologetic about it, just try not to shove it in peoples faces 24/7. Be a little casual about it, as if it's not a big deal. Don't bring it up as a topic of conversation at every opportunity. In my experience people are curious and will talk to you about it more than enough.

A lot of people will be totally fine with it but there are bound to be a few people that have problem, even if they at first say they don't. Usually it's not to hard to predict who will and who won't, but be prepared for a surprise or two, both in the positive and negative sense. While others have no problem with your transition you will probably also see some friends just sort of fade into the background, but that sort of thing happens anyway.

Your personality will change for sure, but how much is hard to say. The initial changes for me were a bit extreme but after about a year things sort of settled down. I was still a changed person, but not as much as one would think. I still have the same sense of humor, many of the same interest and I'm as mysterious as I ever was. What has changed the most is my attitude and my mood. All though I used to be well liked I was self-destructive, outrageous and had a lot of anger in me. Now I'm happy, calm and very easygoing.

Thanks!  It's such a great feeling!  There's still the anxiety of how to tell my family and other close friends and roommates, but at least now there's momentum and encouragement.

Quote from: MariaMx on August 08, 2012, 09:46:03 AM
What has changed the most is my attitude and my mood. All though I used to be well liked I was self-destructive, outrageous and had a lot of anger in me. Now I'm happy, calm and very easygoing.

I've always thought this was so strange- my friends usually describe me as "one of the more chill guys" they know.  Whenever I hear this, it makes me want to scream it in their face that there's this unstable ball of anxiety that bounces between my stomach and chest.  You know...in the friendliest way possible ;) .  But in all seriousness, I've longed for the day this tension can be resolved.  It's eased a bit when hearing from others who have been in the same boat.