Susan's Place Transgender Resources

In the end, I had to come out to my father. He had told my mother already, but still regarded it as random thoughts I wanted to get rid off. After three hours talking, he cannot completely accept it, and only talks about how much pain this is going to cause them. And my inner pain? He keeps hoping I am wrong, or that I will get scared and stop the HRT after I fwe months. Telling that most changes are reversible seemed to calm him a bit.


Of course, they don't want the neighbours to see me on a dress or wearing a skirt. They don't know how they will be able to accept it so late on their lives, but they only see the bad things. That I will never get a job, I can't change my name, everybody will hate me, etc... He mentioned some elderly lady on the building which ended on a psychiatrist after discovering her son was gay and believes this will happen to my mother.
And of course, now they really want me to leave home as soon as possible. While I am here, this needs to be 50/50. They will try to accept it, but I won't be able to make it public or wear "those clothes" while I live here. Their home, their rules. Anyways, beats me. I was planning to stick to the androgynous look, I really dislike those "bimbos" you see lately.


I don't know what I do. Should I abandon everything? Tell the psychologist everything was make believe and end my sessions? Just turn it into another "what if"? Still can't feel like a woman and I doubt I ever will be. I just don't want to be what I am now... I don't feel I am up to the task, at least while I am at home. I don't want to be seen practising make up or doing voice training with them here, and everything seems hard enough to discourage me and just sit down in from of a screen for another ten years. I don't even know how to move in a more effeminate way, and I feel like I was a tank. Maybe I don't have it inside and everything is a lie.

My family was the only thing that kept me away from doing this, and they only want me to leave or live hidden. After almost 30 years I've been wanting to leave  and live my own life for years, but I don't know If I will be able to cope with the rejection. And my mother still does not know about it. I hope they will accept it with time, but. I though that with the grandparents problem this would seem just a nuisance, but now he thinks this makes the other look rather small.

Move out, get a room in a motel, get a job in a burger bar and be yourself.

Ignore the guilt trips of the parents and keep in touch with them until one day they can see you nice an happy.

When you are absorbed in your tasks you will be moving in a naturally female way if a woman's brain is controlling you.

If you can move.  If you can't find friends where you can at least be you.


Don't give up!  Never give up!  Explain things to your therapist and stay the course.  You make need to stay in male mode til you can get a place of your own.

Hi Apples,

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
I don't know what I do. Should I abandon everything?

Only if you are prepared to live daily, with the anguish, pain and depression that is part of GID.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
Tell the psychologist everything was make believe and end my sessions?

I doubt he is going to believe that one. However it's your choice. You'll be back though, probably in worse shape than how you left. You need to understand GID doesn't 'go away'. Denial doesn't work either. When you finally escape it, you are faced with the realisation you have just wasted 'X' numbers of years in denial.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
Just turn it into another "what if"?

As I said, denial doesn't work.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
Still can't feel like a woman and I doubt I ever will be.

The only person that can change that decision is .... YOU.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
I just don't want to be what I am now...

Great. First positive statement so far. Let's get to work on it and do something about it.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
at least while I am at home.

Great, second positive statement. Let's look at how to move you away from all the negative influences, objections and barriers.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
and everything seems hard enough to discourage me

Nobody ever said this was going to be easy. Either accept change or live the rest of your days in quite desperation.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
I don't even know how to move in a more effeminate way,

Least of your problems at the present.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
Maybe I don't have it inside and everything is a lie.

And then again, on the other hand, maybe you DO have it inside and everything isn't a lie. Probability alone will tell you everything is not a lie.

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
My family was the only thing that kept me away from doing this,

FABULOUS!!!  Solution found. 

Quote from: Apples on August 04, 2012, 12:47:25 PM
and they only want me to leave or live hidden. After almost 30 years I've been wanting to leave  and live my own life for years, but I don't know If I will be able to cope with the rejection.

Who's life are you living? Theirs or yours? Secondly. Who's life do you want to live? Yours or theirs?

I sense we are getting somewhere.

Huggs
Catherine

Problem is that the concept "full time" doesn't go with me. I only fit on transgender, and I don't feel like fully giving away my male identity, or changing my name. I keep feeling That I walk between two roads, and that's how I like it. I believe If I went full time I'd still feel like lying. You know, I like my both parts.




Thruth is, I've wanting to leave home for years. First, I had difficulties finding my first job. After that, we had the problem with the homes prizes skyrocketing (now are worse than ever), So I could only could save and wait. Now buying is not an option, since with the crisis I'd have to accept a job anywhere even outside my own country. And renting.... Let's say that the cost is insane (550€ not counting heating, water and electricity). If I look well I'll find something, but... Two more things:


- I have a 66% possibility of keeping my job. If I end on the other 33%, I'd be stuck here for a few more years (25% unemployment rate, and increasing every day)
- Practically I don't know how to live by myself (doh), since I've never left home. That's something I've been wanting to improve for a long time. Give me a Keyboard and I will fix everything, but when it comes to surviving... And that's why I've always felt the insecurity.

You will have to cope when they eventually die, being older.  I know that sounds harsh, but it is a case of looking after yourself first. 

There is always the option of adopting an androgynous gender, and staying with a male legal identity until you decide to move on.

You've posed questions we all face. The decisions are yours to make. Don't push aside the love you have for your family. But don't let their influence determine the course you take. You are the master of your soul. I'm not encouraging to take either course. I'm encouraging you to evaluate your feelings and situation and make the best decision possible. My best to you.

Chin up!
Cindi

You could do what I did. Go back to them and say it was all a mistake and keep your cloths somewhere outside the house where they won't know. As long as they are in the dark no harm no fowl. Go.to college and blossom their. That's what I did. Hormones in college and saving money hear and their from 16-25 then I had surgery. I know it sounds deceitful but with family its sometimes needed until your able to get on your ow. Two feet.

It just that I still can't believe it myself. Whenever I manage to meet with friends and the solitude dissapears for a few hours (like today), the happiness seems to go return and the sensation of this being a necessity starts to be questioned, at least for the time. Maybe this is only a toy I want to cope with being alone.


I'd love to have the effects of HRT, specially things such as breast, reduced sweating, better skin (which cripple my life), Sometimes I'd love to be on woman clothes, but I don't like the idea of full time (I prefer androgynous mode), or removing the genitalia. It's not that I feel I am a woman. I feel I am not a man. Or maybe a manly man. IF I was to change my name, I would get a neutral one. Or what I don't want is to look as an stereotype with things I don't like such as mini skirts or jewelry.


At this country looks like transgender is not even mentioned, only transsexual seems to be the only option accepted. If Social security is going to pay for it, looks like they want you to do it until the end, not being stuck in the middle. From the info I could gather, they require you to really want to be a woman for life. And also be a stereotype of woman on your looks.


If I don't want to be in woman mode daily for the rest of my life, or remove my genitalia after some years, I don't think I would be approved for treatment. What can I do? Lie so that I can get the treatment and after that say that I am happy with just walking half of the road? Maybe they could cancel the treatment.
I need to get a lot of more info on this. It's fun to dream on internet, but when you look at the reality is not as easy as it looks, specially when they require you to be on a system and play by their rules.


PS: Almost forgot. From the experiencies I'm reading about, G.I.D. units psychologist have transphobia, will try to kick you out and won't approve anything without the RLE, which is not possible. I'm not going through that with my face, and as I mentioned, my family won't approve it. The system just makes me lose all hope.

If you don't become who you need to be it'll kill you or worse it'll kill the part of you that cares if you live or die like it did to me until I accepted that to be the person I wanted to be I had to be Hannah

You deserve a chance to be happy too

You haven't said why you are still living at home at 30.  I don't know where you are but in Australia most people want their independence and will be gone long before then. 

Edit: Short version:
Renting price is incredibly high (I live in one of the main cities), and my salary was not high enough as to be able to leave until now. My parents kept pressing me to save money and stay a home so I could use it on buying a flat and they would financially support me, but now with the crisis I am on my own.





Long version:
Alright. This is Spain. Renting is several times more expensive than what you would expect on other countries, and buying quite similar. During the last ten years we had a "building bubble" on which home prices skyrocketed.

As for me, living in one of the countries with the highest rate of unemployment and corrupt politicians on the world is not an easy thing. I finished studying on 2004 and I couldn't get my first job until 2007 (25 years). Thanks to lots of corporative tricks, my salary was low for years, and it is still quite low (1000€ aprox after five years, started on 500€ for 8 daily hours). During all of this time I've been saving around 60% of my income every month, on hopes of having a headsstart for when I could leave.

The problem: I can't buy a home, since banks won't help you anymore, and I can't guarantee my job's stabilyty. Thousands of people have lost their homes already thanks to the crysis and now belong to the banks. So the next question is: could I rent?

Since renting was a relatively unheard concept until now, it is the new trend and bait. Let's say that I earn 1000€ per month. The only decent place I could find on my first safari was like 550€, not counting electricity, water and heating, which need to be paid separately. Add food and I will be surviving more than living. Extra points when in september the VAT is raised from 8% to 21%, thanks to that thief we have for a president.

Unfortunately, I have no hopes of getting a higher paid job, and it does not exist. Just having one is like being a god now (you can't imagine how it is to see 50+ year old people working on fast food chains). And that's why I am stuck: Not enough money. If I leave I won't be able to fund electrolysis or anything.

My only hopes are that I can retain my job and find a cheap renting place, small enough for me and that the combined cost of housing and expenses won't take more than 60% of my income. But the norm here is people at 30 and 40 going back to their parents home because the banks took their homes after losing their jobs. And after that taking the parent's homes. We have more homeless people than ever thanks to the crisis.

Dear god Apples,

That explains just so much. The moment you said you were from Spain, I thought, you're in trouble.

Are there any LGBTIQ organisations in your city that could assist you with group housing? Or other such benefits of being in community? Knowing others who are of a similar disposition can be an effective leverageing tool to many of the facilities and service you may require.

Quite obvious what you are doing with respects to your employment is absolutely right. If you can stay with it, time will eventually work itself out to your advantage.

Keep up the good job you are doing.

Huggs
Catherine

Parental argument again. Asked me If I had give up already on all of this madness. He is still trying to coerce me into thinking I will destroy my life and everybody will use all of their cruelty with me.


The worst is that as usual, I will end believing everything they say. I'm leaving home as soon as I know my job is safe. If the opposite happens, it will be bad. Just listening to him and I feel like a monster who will never success at this. I strongly believe that if it wasn't for my parents, I'd have a stronger attitude at life.

Quote from: Apples on August 09, 2012, 02:20:28 PM
Parental argument again. Asked me If I had give up already on all of this madness. He is still trying to coerce me into thinking I will destroy my life and everybody will use all of their cruelty with me.


The worst is that as usual, I will end believing everything they say. I'm leaving home as soon as I know my job is safe. If the opposite happens, it will be bad. Just listening to him and I feel like a monster who will never success at this. I strongly believe that if it wasn't for my parents, I'd have a stronger attitude at life.

My father is Italian. His view of the world is very macho, very Italian. Typical misogynist. Thankfully, my mother divorced him when I was 14 years old and was chucked out of the house. He's a complete narcissist, emotional vampire and has zero self-awareness. I hope your father is not anything like him. Narcissistic parents can do permanent emotional damage. I hope you can find a solution to leaving your parents' home soon.

The correct definition would be "over protective". And still thinks that I will look like an "ugly crossdresser". I'd show him transitions pictures, but it would be even worse. He is not accepting that I don't see myself as a man (even less the fact I'm bi). He only wants me to keep everything inside me and do nothing. It's too late for that.

My guess is that If I remained a man (a shell of a man), I would end being some sort of depressed, alcoholic manchild that would always cry about the past (like I do now, sans the alcoholic part).

And I need to keep working with my therapist in controlling my rage. If the criticism come from him, I explode. Not exactly good blood, I just keep a low profile and bend to their rules most of the time so that they won't bother me. But this is more than keeping the volume at an specific level. This is the most important decision I will take about my life.

lots of TS have gone to live in small rented places and 'survived' on basic foods in order to be free to live the life they feel they should.

If you can't face doing it you will have to stay in the closet until one day the parents die and leave you some money.

UK has had 22% Vat for some time but we all still eat and pay our way - of we get our priorities right.

good luck and look to Susans for all the info you need.

My example totally pales in comparison, but something you said made me think of this.  I had an awfully hard time finding work myself, and lived at home until I was 24.  Despite the positive relationship I have with my father and sister, it was miserable to be at home, unemployed, nothing 'to show' for who I was (this is all pre-coming out fully to myself, btw).  Not to mention the terrible depression I faced at each turn.  I barely had any money saved, but knew deep down that the only way to get out of my funk was to just take the dive, move out, and let my exploration of the world be the fire under me to help take control of my life.

And guess what- it worked!  It can feel like an obvious statement to make, but should be made nonetheless: being on your own fully allows you to take control of your life.  Once I found a place with some friends, we were all able to flourish in our respective arts.  And now, I'm able to take these first steps towards therapy and treatment.

Though very early in the whole process, I can already see a bit of clarity.  I'm sure this will do the same for you.  Any plunge is terrifying at first, but it seems to be a necessary step towards finding your own peace.

Keep your chin up. Don't lose hope. Keep in mind that we only live once.  Make sure that you live YOUR life to the fullest.  Don't compromise YOUR principles and dreams for people that aren't willing to at lest respect that.

I'm 42 in the early stages of HRT and transition.  My economic situation isn't great, but I try my best and seek the support from others like me that have already done this.

Monica.

Looks like they are acting again as if nothing had happened (they probably hope that if I don't mention again and act normal I will have forgotten about it). Although from time to time I hear something that could be read as a second meaning).


I'm not doing any more mentions or trying anything until we are advanced on the therapy. The way the Gender therapist works now, they also make appointments with the familiars to explain these things. I myself, I don't have the confidence to fully support my intentions when talking about them outside the internet. They are not understanding in the slightest and I know that they piss me enough to end in another fight, so it is better to leave it to the experts.


In the end, they are by far the thing that crushes my hopes the most. After more than two months of therapy (not Gender Therapy), they appear as the cause for 75% of my problems and traumas, and knowing this has worsened the family relations a lot. The GID therapist wants a letter with the opinions and thoughts of my other therapists on me to have a better understanding, so I hope they will talk about the family thing.



Well, too depressed to write more. This morning I really was in high spirits, but connecting transiton and family makes me depressive again. I was I had a close friend I had confidence enough to talk about all of this. Internet is ok, but having to hide it from everybody outside this community is quite awful.

Quote from: justmeinoz on August 09, 2012, 07:03:50 AM
You haven't said why you are still living at home at 30.  I don't know where you are but in Australia most people want their independence and will be gone long before then.

the situation in spain is vastly different from elsewhere. Almost 50% youth unemployment coupled with a culture where one is "tied" to their family more than we are here in the US creates these kinds of living spaces :> (here it would be inappropriate for someone to live with their parents at 30, in other places not so much)

Plus, it's expensive for everything

Quote from: Ave on September 14, 2012, 05:19:47 AM
the situation in spain is vastly different from elsewhere. Almost 50% youth unemployment coupled with a culture where one is "tied" to their family more than we are here in the US creates these kinds of living spaces :> (here it would be inappropriate for someone to live with their parents at 30, in other places not so much)

It is incredibly common to live with parents until 30. Almost all my cousins (older than me) had to do the same thing after years of working, and that's before things got real bad. But well, most of my family members live in places where life is much cheaper than here. You will say that I could flee, but... I can't afford losing my job now. And I live in one of the few areas that have a Gender Identity service that will pay for the treatments.

The situation is far more different from other countries. Lower general income than other EU countries combined with overpriced housing prices was already bad, but in the years previous to the crisis' start a construction craze was running wild, lots of new houses built that nobody could afford. IF you travel to the outskirts of any city you will see ghost neighbourhoods half built and deserted.

The practice of renting has always been seen as something bad, with a strong culture of "buying a home and staying there for your whole life".

The pre-crisis modus operandi was like this. Get a job, get a credit with help from your parents and pay until you are old. That used to work when you keep the same job your whole life, but now it simply does not work. You can't be availed by parents without taking serious risks. Housing price can't be paid in a lifetime unless you are a thief or a politician. We are going back to 50 years ago, when parents, sons, ther husbands/wifes and grandparents would always have to live in the same home.
Renting started being common only two years ago, when people could not afford buying homes anymore. Still, it is a complete scam preying on people desperate enough to find a place, and 90% of the times you will be rejected, thanks to a law that allows you to destroy the place you have rented, stay there without paying based on the right of "everybody has a right to a home" even if you can't pay (yet the banks can easily take your home (thousands lost in the last year) to sell it to their clients and workers).

If I tried to buy a home I would need my parents to avail me with their properties. If I lost my job and could not pay to the bank... Well, that's what has been happening in the last year, first they take my home and after that my parent's one.


Also, I live in one of the main capitals, so that means that the housing price its between 3 and four times higher than a normal city. Unless I can share a flat or get into a relationship and paying for it with two incomes, there is not a lot I can do. And I am not exactly the most social person at this time. There is a slim chance of keeping my job and finding a place for renting, but it is not exactly easy. You need to be really lucky. And that's if after 5 years I don't go into unemployment again without any financial aid (since they were removed by the president) and I need to study again. My unemployment income would have last for more than a year, but now... Maybe 6 months or less.


BTW, If anybody is going to ask, yes. It is one of those things that also cause me a lot of anxiety and insecurity. A few years ago I was going to finally buy a home (to be built on the next two years), but the builder disappeared with all the money already paid by people and now he is enjoying a nice and rich life, while the scammed people can't get their money back and the homes were never built. Was I lucky? I could have lost all my life savings there...

A few extra current facts and boring facts:

- The percentage of people aged between 30 and 45 that still lives with their parents keeps increasing due to the inability to leave, or being forced to come back after losing everything
- The percentage of homeless people keeps going up
- The food banks can't support the demand anymore
- The measures implanted by the president only  serve to reduce the  purchasing power of the people. No purchasing, no job to do, so more unemployment. And repeat until you have a nice recession
- You can see elderly people rummaging through the rubbish containers, trying to find scrap to sell. So many people that they already fight for it.
- The government cut healthcare and education constantly, but they will keep injecting money to the banks and still have the highest salary in the country (including free ipads and all-you-can-browse internet connection)
- Do you want to make easy money in a burguer shop? You won't find a job even there. It is sad to see +50 year old people working there. You don't see young people working there anymore.
- And a lot more things. I don't know how we are seen from outside, but it can't be good.
- The Government managed to hide the real situation for years. Now, every few months a new "financial hole" is discovered in a country that has been sacked by corrupted politicians during years.
- There really aren't any housing problems, it is full of empty homes... That nobody can pay.


More We used to joke that after the after the arab spring we would be the next ones, but sooner or later it will happen. Just put a halt to the football league and it will start.


I am hoping to find somebody to share a flat after I start transition, but it is also hard to fin somebody that won't be transphobic. The ideal would be if during therapy I can get acess to LGBT groups or associations (they work with the GID unit) and look for roommates between them, that would make things much easier.

Quote from: Venus-Castina on September 14, 2012, 08:50:16 AM
It might be better to get a decent education first so she will be not another ->-bleeped-<- flipping burgers

Don't know if that one is going for me or her... I already spent several additional years of extra education after finishing my studies, combined with occasional "flipping burguers". And a lot of more of "standing for several hours" jobs until I could find a decent one in my own field of expertise. Sadly, those "standing jobs" only worsened my knees to the point of not being able to stand still for prolonged periods of time and having to rely and painkillers to finish my shifts.

In fact, I got my job through extra studying and language training, so it is a neverending story for me. I'm not going back to fast food. Never, ever.

Quote from: Venus-Castina on September 14, 2012, 08:50:16 AM
It might be better to get a decent education first so she will be not another ->-bleeped-<- flipping burgers

He already has had an education , I think.

Quote from: Ave on September 14, 2012, 10:34:49 AM
He already has had an education , I think.

That continued for longer than I would have wanted, and I will be resuming it in a few months . But If I had been a neet I would have gone crazy (I have never had a gap year or anything like that). When I did not have a job, I used to take two different courses at the same time and spend the weekends fixing computers. I hated receiving money from my parents.

This world is so selfish, everyone only thinks about Me Me Me.  Empathy is a human trait we could all learn!

Not to regurgitate what the other posts said~  Just my idea that everyone expects you to respect their emotions when they cannot even except yours.  Granted it is a huge pill to swallow for a parent but those words can be hurtful.

Quote from: Rita on September 14, 2012, 11:07:57 AM
Not to regurgitate what the other posts said~  Just my idea that everyone expects you to respect their emotions when they cannot even except yours.  Granted it is a huge pill to swallow for a parent but those words can be hurtful.

One of the things that are coming out of the therapy is that when in a conflictive painful situation, I am always the one to leave crying rather than exploding into a rage fit in front of somebody and after cooling down, I always pin the blame on myself. I can't even respect myself, but not this time.

Quote from: Crt.rnA on September 14, 2012, 11:19:58 AM
One of the things that are coming out of the therapy is that when in a conflictive painful situation, I am always the one to leave crying rather than exploding into a rage fit in front of somebody and after cooling down, I always pin the blame on myself. I can't even respect myself, but not this time.

~Hugs you~ I believe there is no fault, not a single person alive could have changed the way your brain and body has developed as of today.  And you cant even blame a system so complicated that it is not even fully understood yet.