Susan's Place Transgender Resources

The other day I wrote a rather cryptic email to my sister-in-law asking for help to pay for a therapist.  My brother is very well off financially and I am, well, not so much.  Basically, I said I was seeking help, but don't ask me anything and don't tell anyone.  I do not want to prematurely out myself until I have made a decision, myself, on exactly what direction I intend to take with all this.

A day later she reply's with an email saying that if I need someone to talk to she is willing to listen.  A couple things stuck out, a) that she said that we are family, but since she is in by marriage she will have a different slant on things.  Now, my family is by no means bad, but I am definitely not that close to them and rarely share anything with my parents even though I am in my 30's.  We just have never had that bond, ya know.  Than there was b) that she is sure there is bad things I need to get off my chest and that she has many of her own issues that she has not shared with anyone, even my brother, that we could go tit for tat with in order to establish a trust in one another, at least that is how I read into it. 

We seem to have always had this kind of unspoken, outsiders bond between us.  She was an only child and I might as well have been.  She was so excited to finally have a little brother when she married into the family.  I would not say we are super close, I am very much a loner and standoffish around other people.  Not that that is bad, just the way I am (item 7 on my therapist checklist).  So for her to hint about her shortcomings was a little bit odd to me, but kind of nice that she would open herself to me like that.

So, last night at 11ish my mother calls me.  My mother never calls me.  She said that they need to leave town immediately and asked if I can watch the house.  Two days after my cryptic email my sister-in-law has been admitted to the hospital for addiction to pain medication.  ARGHHH!

Now I have the two sides of my brain fighting with each other.  One side is saying that you are a damn fool for being so secretive about needing therapy.  Having read my email to her again it does sound like I am and alcoholic or on drugs or suicidal.  This kind of makes me feel like I have set her off.  Did I write something in that email that made her pop some pills because I brought up something in her that she did not want to think about and needed to dull her pain.  Then the other side of my brain is telling me that I may have, in fact, helped her out.  Maybe sharing my distress, albeit shrouded is secrecy, triggered her to seek help on her own.  Maybe?

I have no experience with addiction.  Sure, there were a few years back in the day where I was as much of a drinker as anyone could ever imagine.  However, when I recognized what I was doing I stopped drinking on my own.  I was not addicted to booze, but it sure must have looked that way.  So I stopped and do not have the compulsion to drink that much anymore.  There are times when I would like to, but I just don't.  I do not know what it is like to have to drink, or in her case take pills. 

I am just feeling some guilt over this sudden development, but I am not sure if I should be.

Any insight you kind folks can doll out is always appreciated.  You all have quickly become my sounding board, for better or worse...but mostly better, and I relish your thoughts and opinions.

She had the addiction before you sent the email. It' s not your fault.

Hon, I'm no stranger to guilt, but it's much easier for me to see things clearly when another person feels guilty. You have no reason to feel guilty unless you acted out of malice (which you clearly didn't) or extreme negligence (which you clearly didn't). By sharing your problems with her--even if you didn't say what they were and only hinted around--you have opened the door to further communication. But, as Maria says, the addiction is hers, not yours, and she must take responsibility for it.

Also, did she check herself in voluntarily? You might have done her a huge favor and given her the courage to take that step. But even if it wasn't a voluntary act on her part, do not take the blame. Her life is her life. Only she can take responsibility for it.

This could still be a great opportunity for both of you to share with each other. Can you visit her and support her through this, while keeping your own secret under wraps? I'm sure she will appreciate it immensely. And perhaps you can lean on her at some future date.

Just one more thing. I have had a terrible practice--completely involuntary, in the past--of dumping people when they become too much of a liability. I have struggled with guilt over that and still feel guilty from time to time. I know that I did what I had to do to survive, but I still feel the effects, even twenty-odd years later. I hope you can offer her at least a little support so that you can escape the pain I've suffered over abandoning people. Dumping someone in need...it's hard to escape THAT guilt. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Please don't punish yourself for this. It is not your fault.

I assure you, it's not your fault.

When one keeps a secret inside, it eats away at them. When it finally must break out, sometimes people hurt themselves (with alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc).

I would suggest visiting her, if she'll have visitors. If not, I'd let her know that you're available to talk (if you are willing). Be cautious though...her secrets may be significantly different in form and intensity from yours...

Sara, the way you tell the story, it sounds like the fact that you were going into therapy might have been the reason your sister in law finally got help.

That's good, right? That she's getting the help she's probably needed for a long time and that you might have been part of it?

Thanks all. 

Quote from: agfrommd on August 10, 2012, 04:09:33 PM
That's good, right? That she's getting the help she's probably needed for a long time and that you might have been part of it?

That is the way I am choosing to view it.  I picture them to be such the perfect couple and family which is what made it such a shock to my system to hear this.  Keep that positive attitude, right?

Quote from: Beth Andrea on August 10, 2012, 12:14:06 PM
I would suggest visiting her, if she'll have visitors. If not, I'd let her know that you're available to talk (if you are willing). Be cautious though...her secrets may be significantly different in form and intensity from yours...

They are in Virginia and I am in Michigan, so visiting is not really an option for me.  I figure I should let things settle a but at her end before I reply to her email I referenced in the original post.  Maybe then we can play a game of who has the bigger secret.  She'll say she likes pills.  I'll one up her with I want to be a girl.  That will show her!  Humor, got to keep the sense of humor.

Quote from: Arch on August 10, 2012, 10:55:33 AM
Also, did she check herself in voluntarily? You might have done her a huge favor and given her the courage to take that step. But even if it wasn't a voluntary act on her part, do not take the blame. Her life is her life. Only she can take responsibility for it.

I do not know any of the details, unfortunately.  Just my mother telling me to watch the house because of yadda, yadda, yadda.  I am sure I will get an update in a couple days when my mother gets there.


So, thanks for your compassionate responses to my ARGHHH!  Before I found this place I would have never shared this type of thing with anyone.  I truly feel comfortable in all of your company.