Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For the past few weeks I have been spending time with an incredible guy. I could write a book on all the wonderful things about him & about spending time with him, the most important being that he is so accepting. He's in the process of getting divorced from his ex, they've broken up a while ago & he seems to hate her. They have 2 kids, boy & girl, 5 & 3yo. I didn't mind this & I find it attractive how he is such a great father. The mother has custody but is unfit & he plans to get full custody soon.

I met his mother last time I was with him since she came over unexpected & she was really nice. I however was going crazy inside due to my insecurities & was scared she would be able to figure things out about me. He however didn't seem to care & even kissed me in front of her. This weekend he is getting his kids & wants me to come over, which he said he normally wouldn't do but he likes me that much. I'm terrified. Most kids seem to have no filters on their mouth & I don't want to embarrass myself nor make things awkward if they happen to say or ask something about me.

I don't know if I should go, or if I should even continue seeing him. I like him SO much & I'm sure he'd understand if I explained how I felt about this situation but I hate bringing stuff like that up. & I don't know if this whole thing is a bad idea?

Honestly, I think ending things with this guy would be a bad idea. You said that you like him and that he accepts you and has strong feelings for you. He introduced you to his mom and want to introduce you to his kids, so it's easy to say he likes you a lot. Paranoid insecurities aren't worth breaking up with someone you truly feel happy with. You're lucky that you have someone who appreciates you for who you are. Don't let that go over something so frivolous.

I'm just scared of how his family will react. I have no problem at all with his family knowing my situation. I'm just scared they wouldn't be okay with it & I wouldn't want them thinking less of him because he's with me & they don't approve. & I don't know if trying to pass as a cisgirl is even plausible. I can't deal with this awkward situations, I get incredible anxiety & can barely speak so I can't be confident enough to act like nothing is up.

Trust your man. If he accepts you and cares for you then he will do whatever he feels is best. So if he wants you to meet his family it's because he's proud of you and your relationship, he's happy, and he wants his family to share that happiness. He wouldn't be taking you to meet them if he thought for a minute that they would reject you or him because of it. And you've already got on fine with his Mom. So relax, you're a girl who loves her man and is nervous about meeting his folks. That's natural. And if they see that you love their boy and make him happy they'll love you for it.

You're at a great place. There's no need to run away from it ...

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 24, 2012, 12:15:46 PM
I'm just scared of how his family will react. I have no problem at all with his family knowing my situation. I'm just scared they wouldn't be okay with it & I wouldn't want them thinking less of him because he's with me & they don't approve. & I don't know if trying to pass as a cisgirl is even plausible. I can't deal with this awkward situations, I get incredible anxiety & can barely speak so I can't be confident enough to act like nothing is up.

I think maybe your anxiety is causing you to pick out every worse case scenario. I have anxiety a lot as well and I do this, but every time I do, things never go as bad as I thought and often turn out just fine. It sounds like your experience with his mother went well so use that as a guide that he likes you enough not to care what others think which is a very good sign. I really don't think the kids will be an issue, especially ones that young. From my experience they will be more interested in trying to impress you or get your attention to play than critiquing you.

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 24, 2012, 12:15:46 PM
I'm just scared they wouldn't be okay with it & I wouldn't want them thinking less of him because he's with me.

He already knows your situation and is still with you, so do you think he cares about what anyone else says?

You ladies are right, thank youuu. I will just be myself & more positive. Everyone says thinking of the negative will bring the negative >_<  I know I'll regret not going cause I know he'd feel bad if I decline since his kids are his life & him asking me to spend time with them is a big step.

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 24, 2012, 01:17:45 PM
You ladies are right, thank youuu. I will just be myself & more positive. Everyone says thinking of the negative will bring the negative >_<  I know I'll regret not going cause I know he'd feel bad if I decline since his kids are his life & him asking me to spend time with them is a big step.

You're doing absolutely the right thing. I hope you have a wonderful time!

You are very lucky to have a great thing going... Congrats girl enjoy it and don't worry about the kids. As a parent myself kids do say the weirdest things but they are also very understanding, sweet  and fun to be around. If he is Okay with it than you are in good shape. Relax and have a good time.

You've got in your man what most girls would die for. All I am going to say is go for it, and here's why. I met a wonderful man at work but he was married and we just became friends. A few years later he got divorced and contacted me to ask me out. Long story short, it worked out and I sold my house and bought into his and we became a couple.

Six months on I told him about my history. It freaked him out a bit, but after a few awkward weeks he realised he was still in love with me. I had, of course met all his quite large family and they were totally unaware of my history, like he had been. We decided there was no need for his family to know.

We married in 2006 and have now been together 15 years. When we go to see any of his family, they know nothing of my history and that's the way it will stay. At first, like you, I felt a bit nervous and thought they would guess my secret. In all these years they haven't. I am very happy with my man and love him dearly. I am also very comfortable with all of his family. My husband's son always gives me a big hug and a kiss when we visit, and his wife is the same size as me which is useful if we unexpectedly decide to take the grandchildren to the local park and I need outdoor clothing, boots etc.

You are young, so enjoy your situation. It might not last forever, but enjoy it while it does last. Who knows, it could last a lifetime. Why risk missing out on a happy life. It sure sounds like he loves.

Sorry about the avatar, but I am in complete stealth at work and don't want to risk a photo on here.

Stay sweet

Caroline
x

PrettySoldier, I know exactly how you feel because I was in the very same situation about 5 years ago. I traveled to the US to meet my new parents-in-law for the first time, and I HAD to pass as cis because they are of the Christian conservative type and if they'd clocked me it would have been BIG trouble. Also they were living with my sister-in-law and her two kids 7 and 9 at the time, and kids scare me for the very same reason you outlined. Driving from the airport to their house I was freaking out but my husband told me to calm down. He was right. Everything went fine and they all really liked me.

As has already been mentioned, trust your man. He would not take you to see his parents and let you meet his kids if he thinks it might cause trouble. What you should probably do is talk to him about your concerns just for your own peace of mind. Maybe you should just ask him what he thinks his family would think of you and your situation. You'll still probably be nervous going, as is only natural I would think, but I'm sure everything will go just fine.

Maybe you shouldn't think of not telling them as trying to pass as cis. You don't have to say anything if no-one asks.

I think this is a risk well worth taking, because this is the really thing you know. Do not let this man go. He sounds like a wonderful guy, and they are hard to find. I've met quiet a few that wanted to get with me but didn't want to be with me or be seen with me in fear of anyone figuring me out. The really good guys don't come around so often.

I don't know the situation, I just know the details you shared.

I would be more worried about the divorce than anything else.  You mentioned that he seems to hate his ex.  Hate isn't a good emotion to carry inside one's self.  It isn't healthy.  I will admit that I experience it on a regular basis but my life isn't a very healthy life.  I just worry that his hatred may influence his actions and decisions.  Might he do something with the intent of spiting his ex?  How would you know if what he was doing and saying to you, with you was out of love or out of spite for his ex?  I think the only way you would know is with the passage of time.  Eventually things will reveal them selves.

My advice (as useless as it may be) is to keep in mind that things could go either one of two ways.  Just keep that in mind while developing your attachments.

I dated a guy who was going through a divorce.  He kept talking about how he was going to bring me home to his house, take me on a wine tasting trip...  He kept making me promises.  He went back to his ex.  He had told me how she was unfit and how he was going to get custody, apparently he got custody of his daughter.  He would talk about how his wife was a drunk.

One thing I began to realize towards the end of our relationship was that he was always a little sloshed when we were together.  I know that a relationship takes two people.  And if both people aren't willing to work through difficult times or forgive one another, the relationship will fall apart.  Even when it seems like an individual is the victim in a bad relationship, often times he or she can eventually look back and begin to realize how the things he or she did or failed to do weighed in on his or her side of the breakup scale.  Assuming that individual learned something from his or her experience.

Go in with both eyes wide open.  Don't believe promises, believe actions and inaction.  Try to determine if your new boyfriend is loving you or spiting his ex.  If things go bad you don't want to be stuck in the middle of two people who might eventually be getting back together.  Guard your heart.

@CarolineM: WOW, you went into the relationship without HIM knowing? That is such a gamble but I'm happy it worked out in your favor. I plan on enjoying it while it lasts for sure. He has said he feels that it isn't necessary for his family or anyone to know the details about me & despite my situation he sees me as female and not a trans-female. But I am open so if someone did ask I wouldn't mind informing them, but whether he approves of this I am not sure.

@MariaMx: I think I will bring it up with him the next time we speak. I am one of those people who likes to get things out in the open & he has been so accepting thus far so getting how I feel off my chest & knowing he'd be fine if his family DID suspect something would make me feel a lot better. The good guys are very hard to come by, for sure.

@Noey: He does seem to have a strong dislike for her, he has said nothing but negative things about her & his family dislikes her too. Last time we talked about it he had said he regretted even being with her & only was for the sake of the kids. I highly doubt there is probability of them getting back together but I can't know100%. I was skeptical about being with him because of this but since we have been together he has showed me nothing but respect & care & seems to truly like me. But yes, I will just have to see what happens as we are still in the beginning of this relationship when things are still fresh & new. 

This is a really sticky situation and one that needs a lot more careful analysis than can be given here. My gut feeling is that the adults in the family should be aware your situation. If you were long time post-op, a stealth relationship might be feasible but I don't see it at this point but you shouldn't listen to me or anyone else here. You need to talk to your therapist about this one.

I will say though that I wouldn't worry too much about the kids, just mother them. You are a woman and know how to do that, I am sure.

If you're really the chick in your avatar, I think you should go...

Well, Noey, I'm sorry that happened to you, and I suppose you have a point in keeping your guard up, but I think you should have a bit more faith in people. Not all divorcees are jerks.

Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on August 24, 2012, 06:10:46 PM
My gut feeling is that the adults in the family should be aware your situation. If you were long time post-op, a stealth relationship might be feasible but I don't see it at this point

I would ask, "What is the worst that can happen?"  (Referring to the concerns regarding long time post-op and stealth.)

Don't shoot yourself in the foot.

Just because you don't already have seven gold medals doesn't mean you can't have at least one.  Don't give up before you try.  The whole stealth thing depends mostly upon what people perceive you as.  I have been in situations where people heard I was trans but because I never admitted to anything except being female, because I was confident and asserted myself (my female self) some people continued to accept me as a woman and I don't mean on a casual level, I mean on a sexual level.

Some people like to say, "This is the information age, Stealth is impossible."

A.  Stealth is an intermediate phase between passing and assimilation.

B.  You will be construed as what you are.  What you are includes what comes out of your mouth. 

If you confess to being trans you will be accepted as trans.  If the words that come out of your mouth are the same words that would come out of any Cis woman's mouth then chances are likely you will be accepted as a Cis woman.  Lying is not necessary.  You can always say things like, "That's a bit personal isn't it?"  "Are you insulting me?"  "Are you trans?"  "Is that your thing, trans women?"

If my life depended upon Stealth I wouldn't have a life.  Do I admit to being trans?  In a word, "No."   No I don't and I probably never will.  Other than when I am on this forum and when I allow myself to enter into trans head space I am beyond my transition and I demand that everyone else who is a part of my life is also.  Except my parents.

You can be whatever you want as long as you have it inside of you and as long as you are willing to work and sacrifice to make it happen.  "Stealth" begins whenever you want, it will either work or become a learning experience.  Never apologize for who you are.  If you are a woman then you are a woman, plain and simple.  Seeking approval from others will cause them to accept you but never as your true sex.  It is not inside other people to even be capable of accepting you as a woman, that has to happen in Cis-reality.  Explaining how you became a woman will only create trans-acceptance.  If you are content being accepted as trans in Cis-reality then go for that.  I don't recommend it unless it is necessary.

Every person you are out to is a new person who can identify you as trans to other people.  Family photos and pictures become show and tell.  When people find out I transitioned in the work place I find new work.  One person points me out as trans to a couple of people who point me out to a couple of people who point me out to a couple of people.  Pretty soon hundreds of people know about me and are pointing me out to even more people.  And I am usually completely unaware that it is happening.

/end rant

Quote from: DianaP on August 24, 2012, 07:16:42 PM
Well, Noey, I'm sorry that happened to you, and I suppose you have a point in keeping your guard up, but I think you should have a bit more faith in people. Not all divorcees are jerks.

You are right.  Not all divorcees are jerks and I never said they were.

As far as keeping my guard up, I wish I did.  These tend to be emotional issues rather than intellect issues but I am learning to do a better job of looking at a situation and allowing myself the necessary detachment to approach things intelligently.

I think you should give his parents a chance. Think about it, if they raised this man to be good, kind and accepting, they chances are that his parents are the same.

QuoteI would ask, "What is the worst that can happen?"

In this case, a lot of bad things can happen which is why I suggested she talk this over with her therapist. (BTW short term, I would say not to worry but some kind of conversation needs to take place with her and her beau about what would happen if she were "found out.") Would the mom take that to mean her son is gay? Would she think that her grandkids potential stepmom is a "transvestite?" I notice that Pretty Soldier's byline is Philadelphia, a fairly liberal place...so hopefully these attitudes will not surface. But she is obviously emotionally invested in this guy. I do not want to see her hurt.

Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on August 24, 2012, 08:09:22 PM
In this case, a lot of bad things can happen which is why I suggested she talk this over with her therapist. (BTW short term, I would say not to worry but some kind of conversation needs to take place with her and her beau about what would happen if she were "found out.") Would the mom take that to mean her son is gay? Would she think that her grandkids potential stepmom is a "transvestite?" I notice that Pretty Soldier's byline is Philadelphia, a fairly liberal place...so hopefully these attitudes will not surface. But she is obviously emotionally invested in this guy. I do not want to see her hurt.

Mmmmm...  Perhaps a discussion with her boyfriend is in order.  I would certainly talk to him about what I would be comfortable with other people knowing.

I find that these kind of things tend to be more worrisome and scary in our imaginations than in real life.  Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is fear.   I just wonder if he is rebounding, do guys do that too?

Quote from: MadHatter on August 24, 2012, 08:14:13 PM
I thought she was still presenting as male and everyone was aware of her situation? I'm so confusado ><

No, I don't present as male. I am perceived as female by most but I still have my insecurities with passing. I've not been on hormones that long & there is my adams apple too. His mother sat right next to me on the couch, I spent the entire time with my face in my phone in fear she'd notice.


Thanks to everyone for their input, there is much I am going to think about. Most importantly, I'm going to talk it out with him. I just really want him to be aware of the obstacles we could face by being together. IE. His ex & him have a volatile relationship & what if she were to find out & tell everyone in hopes it will create problems for him?  I do not want him being treated bad by anyone else were they to find out I was trans. But he really, truly could just not care whatsoever about what others would think & since being with him that is the impression I got.

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 24, 2012, 05:47:46 PM
@CarolineM: WOW, you went into the relationship without HIM knowing? That is such a gamble but I'm happy it worked out in your favor. I plan on enjoying it while it lasts for sure. He has said he feels that it isn't necessary for his family or anyone to know the details about me & despite my situation he sees me as female and not a trans-female. But I am open so if someone did ask I wouldn't mind informing them, but whether he approves of this I am not sure.

Hi,

I think you really need to sit down and talk to him. From what you say, his attitude to your situation is very clear; he is cool about you being transgender and sounds as though he has no problem with it. That doesn't necessarily mean he would be happy with you revealing your history to his family or friends should they should ask.

In your avatar you look very pretty and feminine and are probably in the early stages of transition and there is a real probability that you might enjoy the attention that revealing your history brings. Be warned, once people know (especially if you have told them) they will see no problem in telling others.

I asked my husband this morning how he would feel if his family found out about me. He said this: "I have absolutely no idea how they would react or how I would react. I certainly would not be very happy about it."

And this is from a man who is very laid back about most things and after we have known each other for 25 years and been in a relationship for 15 years -- 6 of those married.

So tread carefully. Speak to him.

Hugs

Caroline
x

Most men feel that their masculinity is something that needs to be protected and defended.  Most men care more about what other men think than what women think, even when the woman is their partner.  There are tons of gay guys who will spend their lives living as "straight" for this very reason.  Their relationship with other men is more important than anything else.  They need to feel "accepted" and they were taught what is acceptable when they were young and they continue to believe what they were taught.  It's a very rare man who honestly doesn't care what other men think of him. 

If your boyfriend is willing to introduce you to his children, then he is saying he trusts you with the most important people in his life.  That is a pretty good starting point I'd say.
Children will respond to honesty and openness, and will follow the lead of their parent, although teenagers can also rebel of course.   
As for the ex, some do actually deserve to be hated. With a vengance!
Hope it goes well.

Karen.

Quote from: Noey Noonesson on August 24, 2012, 10:54:06 PM

Mmmmm...  Perhaps a discussion with her boyfriend is in order.  I would certainly talk to him about what I would be comfortable with other people knowing.

I find that these kind of things tend to be more worrisome and scary in our imaginations than in real life.  Sometimes the only thing we have to fear is fear.   I just wonder if he is rebounding, do guys do that too?

Yes, the guy being "on the rebound" and having such animosity toward his X might be more troublesome. OMG I am dating myself but this is making me feel like "Dear Abby."

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 25, 2012, 02:26:32 AM
No, I don't present as male. I am perceived as female by most but I still have my insecurities with passing. I've not been on hormones that long & there is my adams apple too. His mother sat right next to me on the couch, I spent the entire time with my face in my phone in fear she'd notice.


Thanks to everyone for their input, there is much I am going to think about. Most importantly, I'm going to talk it out with him. I just really want him to be aware of the obstacles we could face by being together. IE. His ex & him have a volatile relationship & what if she were to find out & tell everyone in hopes it will create problems for him?  I do not want him being treated bad by anyone else were they to find out I was trans. But he really, truly could just not care whatsoever about what others would think & since being with him that is the impression I got.

Even though you look very pretty and "passable" in your avatar, because of your insecurities, your short time on HRT, and your short time living in the role, it may well be that mom has already "figured you out" or at least suspects something. If not, it is highly likely that she will figure it out...not because of your not being "passable" but mainly because of your insecurities and lack of time living in the role.

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on August 25, 2012, 08:28:02 AM

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

Once again, you make a good point. I don't think anyone here was saying to place all bets on this guy. We just think you shouldn't throw anything away before you have all of the details figured out. If things don't work out, remember that you have a lifetime to find someone else out of the many good guys out there.

Quote from: PrettySoldier on August 24, 2012, 12:15:46 PM
I'm just scared of how his family will react. I have no problem at all with his family knowing my situation. I'm just scared they wouldn't be okay with it & I wouldn't want them thinking less of him because he's with me & they don't approve. & I don't know if trying to pass as a cisgirl is even plausible. I can't deal with this awkward situations, I get incredible anxiety & can barely speak so I can't be confident enough to act like nothing is up.

What is truly remarkable here is your concern for his personal wellbeing and  the fear that his image might somehow become besmirched by his relationship with you. That unselfish attitude is rare in the TG world and I commend you for that because it makes you all the more attractive to a man who loves the nurturing of a woman. Go for it, you deserve a life! It will work just because you have the heart and soul of a real woman!

Quote from: TessaM on August 25, 2012, 07:57:16 AM
Prettysoldier, your pretty :)
Be yourself and GO FOR IT!

This. Talk it over with your BF first, and just do it.

I've been there and it is weird at first, as I'm definitely not the "mother-type" LOL!!!! Far from it actually. But it does show the guy cares about you and trusts you. These are the most important things in a relationship.

Good luck.   :)

Quote from: UCBerkeleyPostop on August 25, 2012, 08:28:02 AM

I am also going to disagree with those who say this is the "man of your dreams." He may well turn out to be so but I doubt it but not because of him but because of you. After you have been on HRT for years and have SRS, develop complete confidence in your role as a woman, your entire outlook will change. You will have your pick of hundreds of men.  (you look hot now, I can only imagine how hot you will be years a few years from now!)

So I will say, just enjoy the ride but don't stress out or lose your heart over this one guy.

Very well stated by someone who has had the experiences to back it up.