Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For the most part, all of my friends and family know me as a 25 year old, handsome, nice, and funny Jewish guy who is in his second year of medical school. But for most of my life, I have wished and dreamed I could be a girl. I remember my first cross-dressing experience was when I was in 1st grade and I dressed in my sister's clothes with my baby sitter (my sister was not home) and got caught. While I had no problem acting as a boy, playing sports, or imagining I was a soldier from the future or a hockey player, I remember always seeing girls toys and secretly wishing I could play with them. During Purim (halloween for jews), the boys in the grade above me always would dress as girls for kicks and I remember that I would always tell my mom I wanted to dress as a girl as well. She would always say no and it wasn't until I was in 6th grade, the oldest class in my elementary school that she said I could. That was also the year that our class performed mini sketches and I played cinderella in my group's play. I still remember my teacher brushing the blonde wig I was wearing. We also did a monologue that year and my teacher had given me a female role to play. After that, I loved being a girl, but I was so afraid and ashamed that any photos that were taken, I burned. I hared how much I wanted to be a girl. Over the next couple years, my desire to be female increased, especially because I was a late bloomer. I would sneak into my mom's room and play with her make up and try on my sisters' (she was in college by then) clothing. I got caught a couple of times and I would always tell my mom it was because I felt if I wasn't becoming a man then I might as well be a girl. Once puberty started to hit though, I was so excited because I thought these feelings would go away. But for the past 13 years, they never have. There have been times where my friendshios with other girls has remarked in them in saying "I wish you were a girl," or "You are being such a girl." Whenever that happened, I would get so excited on the inside, while containing my wish to be a girl on the outside. I have come to terms that I will always feel female on the inside, but am hesitant to transition for many reasons. I feel the biggest reason is because of my grandfather.

My Grandfather was a Holocaust survivor and lost all of his family. He, my grandmother, and my Mom eventually moved to the US, but being so poor, they could only afford to take care of one child. My Mom eventually grew up, married her first husband, had my sister, divorced, then met my Dad and had me. I am their only child together and have no other step or half siblings. Therefore, my grandfather took it upon himself to teach me, his only grandson, the laws of the Torah and our rich Jewish heritage. Because my sister was never interested, I carry with me the legacy of my Grandfather as well as the rest of his 200+ family members who never made it out of the camps of Aushwitz or the ghettos of Warsaw. So much of me wants to marry a woman (i am interested in women), have children and continue to pass on the legacy of my family. I would make a great father and a wonderful husband. But I know that my desire to be female is only getting stronger as I get older. I feel if I had had a brother who was taught like me, then this would be easier, but that is not the case. Also, being in medical school, I don't know when or how I would transition should I decide to do it. If I could repress these feelings I would, but I know they will never go away. I know this would crush my Mom who feels I am her only chance of having a grandchild (sister is still single at 36 and my Mom is skeptical) and my Dad (I am his only boy). I feel stuck and not sure what to do or how to do it.    

Thank you all!

Sammie

Hi Sammie  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Glad to have you here, this is a great place to find friends and answers to your gender related questions

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Hugs

V M

Hi Sammie, welcome from Boston! Glad you found us, get busy posting and I'll see you around the site! Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Sammie;

I'm glad to have you here. You'll find many great listeners and more than a few people that will have some advice for you. I do know that one of the things that gets repeated a fair bit for people transitioning when they want children is to sperm bank. If you do transition as a mtf, you may not be a father but you could probably use those wonderful skills and talents to be a wonderful mom. I'm in a bit of a fortunate position in that my partner and I had kids already and she has been willing to stick with me through transition so far. We've been through a lot already and I think that has laid a solid foundation to help us through. Hopefully, you'll find someone who will care for you who you are and your dreams will still come true, they'll just need to have a revision or two...

All the best and big hugs to you.

Hi Sammie, :icon_wave:

Welcome to our little family. Over 8030  strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-5.gif&hash=cfc7a68438be4575d8493dfbe65d1b3586f10b81)
Janet  (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwikipedia%2Fcommons%2F3%2F32%2FPentacle_1.svg&hash=99e763d33bc5c4d79014cb34bf6acb3dfec8befb)

Thanks gurls  :).

So today actually ended up being a really big day for me. I came out to my Mom via e-mail and then talked with her on the phone for about 2 hours. She told me that she felt there were two paths I could take: One where I stayed a guy, but would be able to maintain a relationship with my Dad, who she feels would not be able to handle his only child being TG and that a lot of my best friends (almost like brothers), while they would be supportive, would not be the same close relationships that they have always been. Honestly, I could not imagine losing them. She understands though that this would come at the price of me withholding my feelings that she admits will probably never go away. The other path would be to continue on this path, transition, and essentially start a new life. Ideally I would want to be able to be a girl and keep my friends, but I know that isn't always possible. For those of you with incredibly close home friends, how did they handle your transition? Did they treat you differently? How did you come out to them? I also agreed that also the most important thing right now is to finish my last 3 years of medical school. Are there any transgender physicians out there that can tell me about their experiences.

She did tell me that as her transgender son (not daughter) she would accept me, but wants to make sure that I go see a therapist, which I plan to see exactly where to head with my gender identity:

Ex: Perhaps for me, it might be enough if I can dress as a girl from time to time in secret while maintaining my family and friendships and perhaps starting a married life.

Thoughts?  Anything would be appreciated!

Sammie

--I don't see how my world or myself made me a female with a male's body.  ----

This world teaches that each of us is wonderfully complex - Survival while knowing only a part of your story is the challenge.

There are many mysteries with our biological bodies/minds. After many years into adulthood and fathering a family, I discovered that I have a prolactinoma that turned off my testosterone for all of my life and essentially gave me a space of feminine feeling all of my life. After taking bromocryptine (the cure) for two weeks, the male libido rose and tried to take over this "girl". I am still surviving in this very strange psychological milieu, knowing two "distorted" yet legitimate psyches.  - much love, michelle444

Sammie, as a medical doctor in training, you know that you can sperm-bank before you transition.

Your lineage would be, theoretically, secure if you found a suitable partner or surrogate.

Hi Sammie, and a warm welcome - I too remember dressing up, as Robin Hood (complete with emerald tights) on Purim when I was 4, and laughing with scorn at the boy who asked me why I was wearing girl's clothes :) - I wanted to be a kickass girl (if she'd existed back then, I'd have probably gone for a Lara Croft costume...)

Hello and welcome.
Having history hanging over you all the time can be depressing if you let it.  I learned a few months ago that my maternal great-grandmother was Jewish, so that technically I am too.  Realising that you had distant relations who died because they committed the crime of existing is sobering when you realise that some people hate you for who you are too. 

I regard it as a duty to my ancestors to stand up for the right of everyone to be able to live their lives as they wish, and for me that means being the woman I should have always been as well. 
Bigots are all the same regardless of their issue.

As for Doctors, there are plenty who are TS, starting with Marci Bowers herself.  You will be in good company.

Karen.

Hi Sammie ,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking.

Yours is not an uncommon story of life to date. As you are still not sure of your direction and how to get there, often the guidance offered by a good gender therapists doesn't go astray.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Hi Sammie and welcome. You have much to take into consideration. I trust that things will work out for you. This journey will take you on many paths.