Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Alright, brief introduction.  Im a 27 male, living in US.  Ive been different my whole life.  So far, Im sure this sounds common.  I have been a closet crossdresser since, well, as long as I can remember (which is as far back as 5).  My parents caught me when I was young, and well, lets just say that I have hidden it well ever since.  I also think that is when it became a bit of a sexual thing for me.  It still has that original, just feels right childishness to it when I do, but it is so terribly embarrassing for me to enjoy that I havent told a soul.  I have only done it once in public (in my early 20's) and only 2 people saw, I passed as a woman to both (until I had to provide proof of id, still embarrassing to this day even though they didnt seem to care despite being a bit shocked).  The other was an older man whose face glowed as he told me I had a beautiful smile and that I had brigthened his evening.  The weird thing, Im totally straight, and when gays have told me Im attractive, it kinda weirds me out (no offense to any of you gays around here, I know its an old southern bias Im sure, my fault not yours), but that was the most complimented Ive ever felt in my life.  I think maybe it was a mistake doing that, because that guys acknowldgement of my beauty has really brought up something confusing in me.  I love my life as a man.  I love my wife.  I am very attracted to her.  Although I dont have much of a sex drive, what little I do have is for her.  However, I WANT to be a woman.  I want to be beautiful.  I dont hate how I look, but I would really love to be a woman.  This is in part a sexual desire, and to be honest a non sexual one as well...  So, any help, what am I?  Am I a transsexual that doesnt know herself, some guy who just wants to get his kicks dressing as a girl?  How do I even go about finding this all out?

Hi there, Ashrock.  Welcome from sunny southern Cakifirnia.

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As to what you are, you have given a pretty good  description.  You are transgendered.

Where on the spectrum you are, can only be answered by you.  Read, discuss, and interact here, and you'll learn more about yourself.

Hi and welcome, ashrock :).

Give it time. Let yourself experiment, explore, feel your way into who you are. And don't let yourself get sidetracked by the sexuality issue - you'll find trans people with all kinds of sexual orientations, it doesn't tell you anything about your gender identity, just about who you fancy :). There's nothing unusual about being a trans woman who likes women - or a man who likes women who likes looking like a woman - or anything else you might find you are. There's no need to decide quickly, just play with it all and see how you feel.

Quote from: Padma on September 06, 2012, 03:04:16 AM
Hi and welcome, ashrock :).

Give it time. Let yourself experiment, explore, feel your way into who you are. And don't let yourself get sidetracked by the sexuality issue - you'll find trans people with all kinds of sexual orientations, it doesn't tell you anything about your gender identity, just about who you fancy :). There's nothing unusual about being a trans woman who likes women - or a man who likes women who likes looking like a woman - or anything else you might find you are. There's no need to decide quickly, just play with it all and see how you feel.

That is really sweet and good advice.  I know this is a part of me.  The confusing thing for me is I am happy with my life, but sometimes Im not.  I feel like I have been so repressed I dont know what makes me happy or why...  To briefly delve into a hypothetical, I know if my wife left me, I would start to transition to live as I felt.  I remember before her always being unhappy.  So I dont know, does my current happy state come from my current situation or myself? To be honest I dont think I am happy with myself.  Some of you girls have described the need to transition (one that stands out in particular is the pack of wolves).  It sounds like pretty extreme fear.  I dont have any fear of being who I currently am (even physically), but I DO have a strong desire that I have not come to terms with.  I think for now I will avoid labels (I never was an easily labeled person anyway) and just hang out here on occasion to see if the experience of others can enlighten my own soul.

Being with someone we love and are loved by makes us more content. So maybe if you weren't happily with your wife, you'd be more motivated to explore your gender identity than you are now. I guess you have to work out (by yourself and with her) how much you feel the need to explore this in the context of your marriage, and how to do that successfully. Try not to have any assumptions about where this is leading.
Keep talking about it, keep thinking about it.

Hi Ashrock, nice to meet you! "What am I?" Well, let's see...you're here, you're transgendered, and you're learning, for starters! Now add you're among friends, hopefully you're healthy and happy, and we're really getting somewhere. See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn