Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Today I almost did it-- I was working on repairing a electrical short (we have 220 over here) and I thought I could fix it without cutting of the power.   When i saw the bare wires and they were sparking as they were shorting aganst ach other I ws sooo tempted to just grab hold and not let go.  This is realy afirs for me I mea I have thought before sort of in the abstract that I would be better of dead but today wa hte first that I really really thought about it.   I have been feeling so frustrated and confused lately.  Some of you may know my wife and I are working over seas in a very fundamentalist area and I have extremely limited chances to be myself I have to be in male mode at least 95% of the time everytime I want to go out I have to be sure to change back into my male lie.  It hurts and I fel so lonely.  I told my wife this morning that I know what I want to be able to do to become but I fear the loss that I se goes with it and I am not sue if I want to do it.  I guess that doesn't make sense but nothing is making sense for me right now.  I am 52 six feet plus and 220 and feel like I am never going to be able to be seen as the aldy I know and desire to be.  It seems all that i do is diet and try to be a sfemineine as I can but it isn't enough I am always wanting More.  isn't that so selfish.  I know this has to be a stage and I will pass hrough it but right now I cannot see the light at the end of this tunnel.   So there I was just wanting to reach out and grab the wires but I held abck (out of fear?) and so her I am writing to try and get these feelings off my chest and out in the open.
   I am sorry if this is not the place to do this and if the powers to be need to cut this post that is Ok as I think it helped just venting.  WE have five more months before we are back in the us and then I hope and pray i can get moving forward whatever that diection si going to be.

Sorry for the bleak post girls but thanks for listening.


Marry

Mary, I so well know what you're talking about.  Sometimes the pain is so bad, and the hopelessness so pervasive, that doing away with yourself seems the only remaining viable option.  The problem is, that it isn't that hopeless, it isn't the only viable solution and it is something that will hurt your family more than anything.

Coming here to vent when you're feeling this way is entirely appropriate.  I'm glad you did.  You're not being selfish, you're being human.  We have to live our own lives and sometimes it seems that tragedy is the result no matter what we do but I always try to see that when there is life there is hope and when there is hope then there is relief from at least some of the pain and depression our condition creates.  My wife is very upset with my decision to change and says it hurts too much and makes her want to leave.  I often feel very guilty over that but I have to remember that the only alternative is to hurt her more, and that would be the truly selfish thing.

5 Months may seem a huge amount of time for you right now but you can speed it up by beginning to make decisions and plans so you can hit the ground running as soon as you get home.  You can research to find a gender specialist and you can look for a support group in the area where you'll be living.  You might even be able to contact someone in your local support group that can talk to you and be a friend while you're still overseas.  And, of course, you can still come here and let us be partners in you troubles as well as your triumphs.

hugs & smiles
helen

Quote from: mary83054 on April 21, 2007, 02:58:18 PM

   I am sorry if this is not the place to do this and if the powers to be need to cut this post that is Ok as I think it helped just venting. ...
Sorry for the bleak post girls but thanks for listening.

Marry

Hi Mary I'm sorry you feel so bad and so low. But on the other hand I'm so glad you didn't grab these wires. I'm so glad too that you came here and opened your heart and share your pains and wounds. This is a support forum and I can't see anyone cutting you off.
Congratulation for making such a wise choice and not giving up despite all the pressure. We are here to listen and hopefully to help. Keep posting and sharing.

Hope, Light, Love and Respect

Maebh

PS. Now, just be careful that the light at the end of the tunnel is not the light from an incoming train. >:D ;D ;)

Hope, Light, Laughter, Love & Respect

Maebh

Mary,

Please know that I will be praying for you. You are already making a great sacrifice for your faith and to have to wait to be who you truly are because you are following God's call can not be easy. My love and support is winging it way to you across all the miles. May God give you the strength and the patience to endure.

BTW, I am also a pastors spouse. I've always fought the expectation of being a typical pastor's "wife" when I've been a member of her congregations. She is now an interim and the kids and I go to the church we joined as a family before she took the interim position. Now that I've faced my Trangender issues and shared them with her, hmmm maybe a the role of a pastors wife wouldn't be so bad after all.

Anyway... if you ever want to commiserate about being a pastor's spouse I'd love to talk. Also - I'm in ministry to. Just not ordained and not a pastor in a local church.

Debbie

Dear Mary,

I am glad you are here to share your story.

............

Quote from: mary83054 on April 21, 2007, 02:58:18 PM
It seems all that i do is diet

Hey I know about that dieting stuff.  I think a tea leaf is too many calories for me.

Quote from: mary83054 on April 21, 2007, 02:58:18 PM
I am sorry if this is not the place to do this and if the powers to be need to cut this post that is Ok as I think it helped just venting. 

Mary, we're glad you are ok and didn't grab the wires.  And no hon, nobody is going to delete your post as we all have similar stories whether it be cars, pills, guns or live wires.  Sweetie, most of us have been there!!

Beverly

Mary, many of us have similar experiences to share. But somehow, we've managed to hang on and live through this.  Believe me, you can find happiness. You passed up this opportunity. You may have others that present themselves.  I am happy that you are still among us.  The world would be a lesser place without you.

Cindi

  I want to thank each of yu for your beautiful and heartfelt resposnes.  I know that things ae ging to get better I jut need to beleive it more often.  BUT Susan's place is my lifeline for now and I have yet to be disappointed here.  Again thanks and i hope I don't have to many more days like this one was .

Love to all ( you are all angels and beautiful people)

Mary

Quote from: mary83054 on April 22, 2007, 02:42:52 PM
  I want to thank each of yu for your beautiful and heartfelt resposnes.  I know that things ae ging to get better I jut need to beleive it more often.  BUT Susan's place is my lifeline for now and I have yet to be disappointed here.  Again thanks and i hope I don't have to many more days like this one was .

Love to all ( you are all angels and beautiful people)

Mary

I can quite catagoricly say that 99% of the people here would have said the same thing, our ramblings seem to be taken, listened to and not used agaist us. The understanding and support that you get from this site is amazing. For all of you that read these posts and never join, please its true, it can be a life saver.

Lucy

Quote from: mary83054 on April 21, 2007, 02:58:18 PM
It seems all that i do is diet and try to be a sfemineine as I can but it isn't enough I am always wanting More.  isn't that so selfish. 

I don't know about others but I don't think there will ever be a time when I stop trying to be more feminine. It's a pretty hard thing to do when your female.

Often the hardest thing in life is the journey. It's the thing that teaches us the most. When I can't be alone and want to be true myself then I imagine. I close my eye's and I believe. I see myself as the person that I will one day be and I have hope. There's an old saying that goes something like "you better watch what you wish for because one day it might come true" Well that sayings true you only need to have faith and believe.

Your signature asks "OH, but what am I gonna be!!!" . The answer, exactly what you choose and believe.

You not alone but I think you know that now from the previous posts.

Blessed be. Lydia

*hugs mary* I feel your pain -- and know that it must be very, very hard to know what you must do and not be able to do it until a few more months. Please hold on, dear! Do what ever you can to survive the next couple of months until you can start living as your true self. I know it's hard, but believe me, it's really worth it. In the mean time, just do what you can, even if you can only get 5% for the moment, take advantage of that.

Mary...glad to hear you are feeling better. :icon_hug:

Quote from: mary83054 on April 22, 2007, 02:42:52 PM
...  BUT Susan's place is my lifeline for now and I have yet to be disappointed here.

Like you, I came here looking for understanding and support in my darkest hours. Susan's has delivered! The people here make it all happen. Be true to your vision of you and the time will come for it to happen.

Hugs,

Rhonda

Hi folks,

I just received an email from Mary in the Sudan. Apparently she is not able to log on to Susan's Place. The government may be blocking the site. I know the Sudan is pretty conservative and Mary says they block other sites too.

Anyway, she's doing well and staying busy.

Debbie