Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've been back and forth quite a bit about whether transitioning is right for me, and the only defense I get for my male side is that when I do crossdress, most often alone in my house, I get to feeling very hollow and empty... that it is, exactly what it is... a costume, nothing with substance.  And yet, I find myself thinking about wanting to dress up, wanting to act and be female and live and act as a female would, and these thoughts are constant.   Could this depressive and empty feeling I get from crossdressing be a red flag that this is wrong, or could it be a white flag telling me I need something much more substantial?

While the costume was on, it helped feeling a bit better, but it was incredibly hard to remove it and go back to my normal aspect. The "feel bad" thing skyrockets after the crossdressing session, like if they allowed you to taste one potato chip and immediately took the bowl away..

For me, the costume was presenting male. Wearing male clothes was cross dressing to me. When I wear women's clothes, I finally feel real. I no longer feel like I am cross dressing. The only thing that upset me when wearing women's clothes is that I looked like a guy in women's clothes. That really made me feel depressed.

I agree with Brooke, I hate having to present as a male and it feels like a facade every day. I hate buying male clothes to have to wear them but until I have the correct bits dressing in womens clothes wont feel correct either, until its fixed by hormones and surgery. Work is currently underway and will slowly start washing away my maleness I have never wanted one day at a time. I look forward to a getting nice bras to do the job they are designed for. Wear a beautiful dress without looking like a guy, showing curves, wear sensuous underwear with nothing to hide. In other words yes it depresses me when I do crossdress as it is not the clothes but what's underneath that is most important for me.

back when I wore the correct clothes, i.e. Crossdressed, I felt more complete.

As much as I loved to crossdress at home for years and years it eventually did make me feel very depressed because I stayed hidden. I didn't understand then, that I could go out and live my life as myself.

  I never really minded wearing male clothes but I've come to understand now consciously a very important difference.  When I wear male clothes I use them to disguise my physical features because I am embarrassed by them in a male presentation.  When I wear female clothes I want them to hug my body and highlight my physical features because they present more appropriately as female and I feel attractive and more at peace.  There are some features I can change in the future to complete this picture and the other things that I cannot are not significant enough to worry about I believe.

  You probably feel empty because you know dressing is something only temporary and private right now.  Myself I hate that I have so little time to play around with my image at home and it's something I can't share.  Not being out yet I always have to be on guard that someone will come home because I have to have enough time to strip off the 'costume'.  If you were able to spend more time 'in character' and share that with friends or others you may find that you feel different and better about it.  Only time will tell for me as I have more chances in the coming year to present a female image to real people in my city.  I don't see though how you could "constantly" think about living as a female if it wasn't truly the foundation of your character.

  I have worked very hard over the summer to consciously embrace what I see as female aspects of my character and the way I physically move and gesture in public.  Like others I've realised that I've been wearing a male costume all along and it is slowly being stripped away at the mental level.  I am working towards a place in my head where I don't need the female clothes to know who I am and how I feel about it.  Concentrate on that and you will know in your heart whether the clothes complete you or not.  If you achieve the right head-space then the clothes will be like 'icing on the cake'.  In other words, you gotta bake the cake first.

In my late teens no matter how good I felt cross-dressed there was always a terrible ammount of guilt afterwards. From some of what I read this isn't all that untypical. Even after I basically realized that I needed to dress occasionally, still plenty of guilt. After all, I wanted to me "Normal". I made a choice, twice, between transition and faking it.

Fast foward some 30 years. The guilt is now replaced by incredible sadness switching back to male mode. You can perhaps call it depression. Depression over having to switch back. For the longest time now it isn't "cross-dressin", seeing myself as Joanne, living a few hours as her, even if it was just once a month, was a necessity. These days it is much more then seeing, it is living, beleiving, it is knowing I can live my life-long dream, if only......

Yes, I am sad. No longer that joyous person. Just that empty shell of one having to do what needs to be done. What I signed on for. Holding on to that dream. Cheerishing those hours to days that I am being the real and true me.

Maybe I'm going a bit past my comfort level, I'm overwhelming myself by trying to dress full female all at once... kinda like... the clothing and all that is there, but when I would look in the mirror, I would see my father in a skirt or what ever I was wearing at the time  :(  Perhaps I need to look at a means of dressing androgynous bit by bit, and slowly working my way over to female fashion? I know I already have a love for female clothing, I just need to work on my look a bit at a time... 

So hmm... does anyone have any tips for dressing androgynously?

I dress far less 'fancy' than I did before going FT.  It is a strange feeling I just dress as me, a woman, I have thrown all of my male clothes out. Before that the only way to keep sane was to dress in female clothing as often as I could. Even on coming home from work. Now I'm more taking off my skirt and blouse and putting a pair of trackies on when I come home. It feels sort of odd in quite a nice way. I'd never have thought I would get to the point of thinking, Goddess it's good to take those heels off and put on slippers :embarrassed:

Quote from: PaigeMtl on October 06, 2012, 07:39:01 PM
As much as I loved to crossdress at home for years and years it eventually did make me feel very depressed because I stayed hidden.

This is how I feel and one of the reasons I never go to TV do's anymore. It's as if people are saying do what you want as long as I don't have to look at you. I rarely dress at home for this reason.

Quote from: Firecat on October 06, 2012, 01:49:03 PM
the only defense I get for my male side is that when I do crossdress, most often alone in my house, I get to feeling very hollow and empty... that it is, exactly what it is... a costume, nothing with substance.  And yet, I find myself thinking about wanting to dress up, wanting to act and be female and live and act as a female would, and these thoughts are constant.   Could this depressive and empty feeling I get from crossdressing be a red flag that this is wrong, or could it be a white flag telling me I need something much more substantial?

Hi Firecat,
This describes me pretty much to a t pre-transition. I'll try to explain how it made me feel but you've already done a good job explaining it. For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

So why did I feel that way especially since I don't feel that way now and I'm pretty much transitioned at this point? I was living my life where people saw me as male. Playing dress up on the weekends or at night wasn't going to make me feel any better; in fact, it made me feel worse. I knew nothing about living my life female back then, as much as inside I totally knew who I was for such a long time. I think for me it was so unfathomable to live female where people saw me as female that anything less than that was a big fat fail. I didn't want to be seen as "a man in girl clothes" at all. I'd rather have stayed where people saw me as a guy than that. I think feeling that way was blah and had it's own issues but I'm just describing to you how I felt.

I don't know your particular situation and I'd never tell you what to do, but I would recommend not dismissing the feelings you have when you dress as indicative of anything other than you hate crossdressing. That has no bearing on whether you should transition, whether it would be right for you. I don't believe that someone who just throws on female accoutrements and walks outside and interacts with the world, no matter how much they "feel" like a girl should accept society's feedback as a green light or red light about transition. Counseling, HRT, coming out to people, giving time for HRT to work, developing your own clothing style, getting comfortable with make-up (if that's your thing), learning what it means to you to live in a world where you are saying "hey, this is me" and having the "me" be female. The 'wanting to act and dress and live as female' is perfectly normal I think but it might take a few years to get there, and a lot of planning. So don't get down on yourself, ok?

I think back to the times I dressed as a girl before transition and how I feel now. Back then I think I was searching for something that would make me feel comfortable in my own skin. It had the opposite effect. Now, most days I wear make up but not foundation and blush like I did before and NO blue eyeshadow and red lipstick, lol. I wear eye makeup and moisturizer because that's what makes me feel comfortable. I don't wear skirts at all but I like to wear dresses and jeans quite a bit. I'm just living a very normal female life where everyone I interact with seems to see me as female. That is what I wanted all along, no matter what clothes I was wearing. Be open with yourself, don't beat yourself up and don't ever let anyone tell you "you must do xyz to be trans" or anything like that. Best of luck :) Meghan

I find dressing a double edged sword.  Relaxing to be in the right mode, but frustrating to know its currently temporary.   I would add, commuting to work, and seeing women in great outfits, while in boy mode, is a stark reminder of the distance I have to travel.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 07, 2012, 09:05:52 AM
Hi Firecat,
This describes me pretty much to a t pre-transition. I'll try to explain how it made me feel but you've already done a good job explaining it. For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

I'm generally very shy, and its hard for me not to feel like a complete alien, even amongst my own kind (and I'm strongly beginning to feel that it is you all on this forum). The one thing I admire most above all else as a quality in a person, is the ability to express oneself, and be who they are inside, and not worry about what others think about it.

Looking back on my life to date (I'm only 24 right now, but still), within the last 10 years, I've been reclusive, awkward, I've had some friends but there was never any depth to those friendships, I was always very quiet, interested in nothing but playing games and whatnot... then when I'd come home, I'd go back to my little online universe where I could put on that female persona and relax and speak freely and be myself, but feeling this immeasurable guilt that 1. I was finding happiness based on a lie, and 2. I couldn't be that person that made me feel good, with whom others had potentially developed feelings for in the past.

I've always just tried to be myself in life, but I've only ever been able to truly open up to those who believe I am female, or those who I know won't judge me for talking about crossdressing and transitioning... once those floodgates open, there is no closing them for me.... and my mother is most certainly not going to be one of them.

Quote from: JennTO on October 07, 2012, 10:49:00 AM
I find dressing a double edged sword.  Relaxing to be in the right mode, but frustrating to know its currently temporary.   I would add, commuting to work, and seeing women in great outfits, while in boy mode, is a stark reminder of the distance I have to travel.

That is exactly how I feel! I work in food service, and I see people coming in day in day out wearing great clothing or with a cute face or nice body, and I'm not thinking the typical "Oh I want to get with that" but rather my heart feels a bit deflated and I think "Damn, I wish that was me." And its made even worse when almost every girl I see has a boyfriend or girlfriend, something that I, by the age of 24 have never experienced. 

I will say i did ask a girl out one time, but then her girlfriend walked in--seems like most girls I'm attracted to are either bi or lesbians, so I wonder what that says about me   :)

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 10:56:55 AM
I'm generally very shy, and its hard for me not to feel like a complete alien, even amongst my own kind (and I'm strongly beginning to feel that it is you all on this forum). The one thing I admire most above all else as a quality in a person, is the ability to express oneself, and be who they are inside, and not worry about what others think about it.

Looking back on my life to date (I'm only 24 right now, but still), within the last 10 years, I've been reclusive, awkward, I've had some friends but there was never any depth to those friendships, I was always very quiet, interested in nothing but playing games and whatnot... then when I'd come home, I'd go back to my little online universe where I could put on that female persona and relax and speak freely and be myself, but feeling this immeasurable guilt that 1. I was finding happiness based on a lie, and 2. I couldn't be that person that made me feel good, with whom others had potentially developed feelings for in the past.

I've always just tried to be myself in life, but I've only ever been able to truly open up to those who believe I am female, or those who I know won't judge me for talking about crossdressing and transitioning... once those floodgates open, there is no closing them for me.... and my mother is most certainly not going to be one of them.
That is exactly how I feel! I work in food service, and I see people coming in day in day out wearing great clothing or with a cute face or nice body, and I'm not thinking the typical "Oh I want to get with that" but rather my heart feels a bit deflated and I think "Damn, I wish that was me." And its made even worse when almost every girl I see has a boyfriend or girlfriend, something that I, by the age of 24 have never experienced. 

I will say i did ask a girl out one time, but then her girlfriend walked in--seems like most girls I'm attracted to are either bi or lesbians, so I wonder what that says about me   :)

  You've described me almost exactly, just replace gaming with other distractions.  I have a number of plush animals including two alien characters because I felt an immediate kinship with them.

  Most of my trouble has been that I had no understanding of trans to relate my feelings to until very recently.  Crossdressing in my teens and not having a clue why was pretty distressing.  You're lucky to be asking these questions at 24 because I made it all the way to 35 before I had enough information to put all the pieces together.  I reached bottom with notion that I had no idea why I felt so bad and no idea how to get better.  It is an incredibly miserable place to feel physically and mentally bad, helpless, lonely, like a zombie, to just drag yourself along as an obligation to others like a script and to also know I wasn't the kind of person that could end my life.  I also had to keep most of it to myself because everyone either doesn't want to hear about your problems or just assumes it's like how lots of other people are stressed and depressed.

  It has been rather enlightening to look back and realise that every girl that was a friend to me or was actually a bit interested had some sort of 'role-war' going on in their head too.

I'm so glad I posted this topic here last night; I was feeling very uneasy and questioning myself and the choice I've been consciously and subconsciously making for the last 8-10 years (more-so as time goes on, and especially within the last year to a year and a half)... and knowing how similar my thought patterns and desires and story are to some, if not most of you is very invigorating, and it makes me feel a lot more confident that I might truly be doing the right thing for me.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 07, 2012, 09:05:52 AM
For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

This. No matter the gil clothing, the make up... The inside still felt the same, a man in a dress. I don't know how people would react to me if they saw me crossdressing, but when it comes to me... It does not change a single thing. It stills feels like a male body with male acting, lying about everything, while the T keeps wercking havoc on my scalp. I hope the therapy does not take a long time... I guess that's why I was considering RLE useless. I felt it would no make me feel different inside, but just make me hate even more what I am now.

In fact, I think I only did the crossdressing thing just to make sure that this wasn't only a crossdressing fetish. Although dressing in a more androgynous form or adding a few touchs to the male presentation while I keep it under the socially acceptable range helps a bit with the day to day.

Quote from: Rotten Apple on October 07, 2012, 12:58:52 PM
In fact, I think I only did the crossdressing thing just to make sure that this wasn't only a crossdressing fetish. Although dressing in a more androgynous form or adding a few touchs to the male presentation while I keep it under the socially acceptable range helps a bit with the day to day.

That is the hardest part right there, figuring out whether its just a fetish or not. I truly want to believe deep in my heart that mine is not, but can shamefully admit that I've been a lot more sexually inclined than I ever should have been, and most recently I've decided to give up my self-indulging habits once and for all, to prove to myself at least that there is more to my dream than something sex related.

That, and I'd heard that decreasing said sorts of activity may actually help with hair loss, depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue, the works

I never wore a single article of female clothing till the day I went full time. I hated my body, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was draw attention to how broken it was by wearing girl clothes. I did gravitate towards the femmiest guy clothes I could find, but somehow that didn't count in my head because they were still labelled guy clothes.

Oh, and my current wardrobe is maybe 50% girl clothes and 50% guy clothes... almost all of which I've purchased after I went full time. I just like how they look on me, now that my body is so different. Also, I'm very queer. ;D

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 02:03:20 AM
So hmm... does anyone have any tips for dressing androgynously?

The concept is simple: rather than adding female cues for your clothing, you just remove most of the masculine ones. Basically it means finding clothing that could easily come from either side of the store. Women's jeans are a good choice - bootcut or skinnies, depending on your body. Women's tshirts can work if you are slim and have some kind of hips. Or men's tight-fitted v-neck tshirts that don't have sport crap all over them. Fitted button-ups for men and button-ups for women are fairly similar - just undo the top 2-3 buttons on the men's ones.

Black and silver jewelery is kind of a thing for guys now, and it looks damn sexy on girls too. Hoodies are basically designed to be androgynous - the stuff in the women's section just tends to be mildly less bulky. Jackets are pretty cool and similar across the gender divide as well. I have a nice military green one from the men's and a peacoat-style black one from the women's.

Fashionable Asian clothing stores have some super girly styles for guys if there is anything like that near you and you feel adventurous. They tend to only fit very slim / small-boned folks though. It certainly helps to be fairly slim with a slender frame for most of this stuff. There is a reason all the super androgynous models look like stick figures. Height is less of an issue other than it can be a pain for women's long-sleeves (I'm 6' tall, but otherwise kind of tiny).

You can also shape your eyebrows without going ultra femme-y and try to make whatever facial hair shadow you have invisible. And make sure you have a really good skin care regime. Messy skin is a very male cue.

FYI, if you take that look out in public you are going to look gay. It may be a toss-up whether you look guy gay or girl gay (especially after you start hormones). But people are going to see some kind of gay. You need to be okay with that or already used to it.

As a child it would make me very hapy dressing up in my mums clothes but it was easier to see myself as a little girl pre-puberty.
When I hit puberty I stopped dressing as female for many years. The feelings never went away but it wasn't safe for me to dress as female. I eventualy moved into a place where I had my own front door about 15 years ago & resumed dressing as female, it made me happy & sad at the same time, the clothes felt right but my reflection was still male.
Now that i've improved my make-up it makes me very content to be female, I don't pass to others yet but I do pass to myself (if that makes sense to you).

Now that i'm on the path to transition any negative thoughts about my inability to fully pass can be pushed aside with the thought that it's only a matter of time before i'm no lkonger male

Quote from: Sarah7 on October 07, 2012, 01:19:48 PM
You can also shape your eyebrows without going ultra femme-y and try to make whatever facial hair shadow you have invisible. And make sure you have a really good skin care regime. Messy skin is a very male cue.

FYI, if you take that look out in public you are going to look gay. It may be a toss-up whether you look guy gay or girl gay (especially after you start hormones). But people are going to see some kind of gay. You need to be okay with that or already used to it.

My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 01:31:34 PM
My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Sme here. I gave up on eyeshadow because I have an excessive brow ridge and my skin is so oily and saggy that nothing will stick to it, but the concealer is quite welcome in giving me a more uniform skin tone. At this moment I plan on getting a nice and professional facial cleaning. I was already the laughing stock in High School thanks to my clogged nose pores, and now I am hellbent into unclogging them, 15 years later. Also, getting an eyebrow waxing in the same place. Small things that can ease a bit the dysphoria.

Quote
Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

Honestly, I don't care a lot on this. Maybe because I am bi, or I already have gay friends. I'd rather sport a gay look than a manly one.

For fair face, I consider laser treatment later when I look >50 years old.

I know and accept that I am both man and woman. All of my clothes are women's except a few formal men's dresses I have to wear once or twice per year. I admit and understand very well that I cannot be a woman by all means during this life time. It is my destiny.

I just enjoy the 'between' state. I also felt the hollowness when going out alone in full dress. However, after I began to meet my friends and colleagues while wearing skirt, heels, and lipstick, I no longer felt such hollowness. Some of them commente that I look prettier than women at my age. Female friends envied and admired my body shape.

But I can not be a woman, even after SRS. I believe I am lucky as I can experience and enjoy both men's and women's world. I enter both men's and women's restroom.

I love my kids, and they know who I am, although my little daugter scolds my wearing skirt.

Barbie~~

I used to really hate it.
But since I got myself some makeup and learned to not totally fail in putting it on I am happier with the result. Then when I get my hair right so it frames my face nicely as well...

I can almost see how I could be :)

Still got a lot of work to do though.

PS I have really bad skin too. Oily, red and random breakouts even though I am like 24. This is why I gotta get those face paintin skills  :P

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 01:31:34 PM
My skin is pretty messy... not super acne ridden, but open pores, skin is sensitive and red in some areas, blackheads on the nose, that sort of thing. I've been trying out various different products like pore declogging strips and Clean and Clear acne wash, but these really haven't evened out my complexion any.

Also, looking gay is something I actually fear... its a complete misrepresentation of how I feel inside, and I wish there was a way around this.

*Shrug* People thought I was a gay boy since I was 10, and I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in men. You get used to it. And honestly, in some ways it was better than being seen as straight - you get a bit more flex in what is considered normative. When I came out it became a kind of running joke - at least they got the gay part right, it was just the boy part that was wrong.

For your skin, you may be over cleaning if it's red and sensitive. Acne washes can be pretty harsh on the skin (and pore declogging strips are just garbage, they'll damage your pores). I'd suggest going to just a gentle cleanser and a good moisturizer to repair your skin (nothing scented - I use CeraVe for my cleanser and evening moisturizer). Just exfoliate gently with a damp cloth 2-3 times a week (or get a chemical exfoliator - derma e has a good one). And always, always moisturize after cleansing. The biggest cause of clogged pores is your body pumping oil back to the skin since you just took it all away. That won't happen if you moisturize. And no soap on your face! And always use a moisturizer with an SPF for day time! (Cetaphil Daily SPF 15 is good or Kiss My Face, Face + Neck SPF 30.)

Quote from: Seras on October 07, 2012, 02:47:22 PM

PS I have really bad skin too. Oily, red and random breakouts even though I am like 24. This is why I gotta get those face paintin skills  :P

Me, too. I would recommend wiping with skin toner and cottage every day.
Also, masage face with ice cubes everday or after sweating.

Barbie~~

Quote from: Sarah7 on October 07, 2012, 02:50:40 PM
*Shrug* People thought I was a gay boy since I was 10, and I'm pretty much entirely disinterested in men. You get used to it. And honestly, in some ways it was better than being seen as straight - you get a bit more flex in what is considered normative. When I came out it became a kind of running joke - at least they got the gay part right, it was just the boy part that was wrong.

I dunno, I was called gay all through highschool, its just what the kids did. I was often tormented by a lot of people, and eventually came to believe it myself.  Come to later find out, I'm not gay for boys, I'm gay for girls, and that has really been my most recent discovery. Truth be told, men intimidate and scare the hell out of me.

I know I could never be female by any child bearing standpoint (Thankfully, I've vowed never to have children anyways), but my dream is really to be as close to female as I can, and try to pretend I was never male at all... that's really all I can do and say.

Firecat and everyone, it is totally normal to have doubts. It is one of the major areas that Therapists explore. And even being totally honest with your self it is very difficult to know if yoy have a fetish or a desire to be yourself. And BTW there is nothing wrong with either.

As for the GID on seeing other woman, I think my worse attack was when I went to a DJ store, sort of equivalent to PC Penny (?)  in the USA. Most of the woman who were serving wore black minis, white tops, black hose and low heels. I nearly cried with frustration. It hit like a tsunami, the depression the regret the horror the desire to die to hide to run to just collapse in sobs and wail. How could people go to work and just be themselves? I wasn't turned on by the woman, I WAS TOTALLY GREEN MONSTER JEALOUS.

In retrospect it changed me. A long time for the worse. But it also made me determined to be me.

But I'm now FT and I walk into work as the woman I am and dress in whatever I like. I feel good. I don't get turned on by what I'm wearing, but I'm happy. I can even tell another woman that what she is wearing is cute, and I receive comments as well.

You will get there, it takes time and patience, and when the time comes you will know.

Cindy

Oh I believe its both fetish and deep down desire, I'm just concerned as to whether the fetish is making everything seem much more glamorous than what it is. I suspect not, as after about a week without indulging myself, and having very little in the way of male arousal, I feel calm and relaxed actually... my mind is a lot more clear, and yet even still, that desire is there, it never goes away... not when I'm happy, depressed... turned on or off. Not even when I'm scared. Sure I'll come to doubt myself, but my mind always comes full circle, but never does my desire to be female go away.

Its the strangest thing though, I've sought refuge in massively multiplayer online roleplaying games like EverQuest, final fantasy online, World of warcraft... you name it. Always the female character, and almost never human.  I've found myself akin to the furry community, having this fascination with characterizing myself as not only the opposite sex, but something other than human entirely.  Heck, there have been times where I've stopped and wished I could be some of my favorite cartoon, book, or video game characters... and I mean deeply.    But never in my life have I ever wanted to be this male I have been forced to be (at least, not in the last 10-11 years since puberty I should say), I've sought a way out.

However. Ever since having started coming to terms with my intense desire to be female, I haven't found much need to play those games anymore, and I don't find myself desiring to be anything other than human... I just seek once and for all, my place in life. My means of acceptance in reality, and to become who I should be.

I don't know if I'm grasping at straws or not... I'm currently in a waiting period in switching therapists; my last one wasn't very helpful at all.

  I was never huge into computer/video games but I was always drawn to the female characters.  I also found I had a lot in common with the furry community and while I'll always have some tie to it I realised it was more a 'stepping stone' in reaching an understanding of myself.  (Experiencing the social atmosphere at a couple of major conventions also quite firmly killed any remaining worry that I might have a seriously repressed desire for men - I am also 'gay for girls'.)

  Cindy reminded me of another frustrating experience.  I've always wanted to be able to be friends with girls and be able to freely compliment them on their appearance.  For the most part this was simply not possible because they cannot trust that as a man you don't have sexual intentions towards them or you just come across as gay.  At the same time, in combination with my extreme shyness and social anxiety, this warped into never flirting or giving compliments when I actually did like someone for more than a friend.  I also found that trying to be more social and trying to be more expressive with my appearance always resulted in me being assumed to be gay because it brought out a femmeness.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on October 08, 2012, 09:12:06 AM
  I was never huge into computer/video games but I was always drawn to the female characters.

In my case, I was drawn to "female characters that looked and acted like real female characters instead of oversexualized stereotypes for men". Compare Alyx from Half Life 2 to Ivy from Soul Calibur  (bigger boobs, less clothing on each game).

With role playing games and things like that, I would always create a female character, until it felt really weird and went back to male characters. Quite boring.

Even though she was nothing but a tiny 2D green sprite, Rydia from Final Fantasy 4 was my original gaming character obsession. I don't know what it was about her, I was 5 when I first saw her, but I fell in love. I'd try to play as her when it came to games of pretend with my friends :P  She always used a whip so there I was like a 5-7 year old running around with a piece of vine from the school yard trying to whip things.  And then there was Samus who has always been one of my biggest gaming heroes of all time. Both of whom have become hyper-sexualized in the modern era... though I've always wished I could cosplay as Rydia at a convention, gods do I have a thing for green hair. Too bad I don't have the face for it.

Try writing fiction! ... For me it's such an escape writing my female characters because I see the world through their eyes and live out their experiences in my mind.

As for cross-dressing, I've lost count of the number of therapists and other well-meaning people who say, 'Well maybe you'd feel better if you went a way for a few days and dressed as a woman.'

No, I wouldn't ... When I was a kid and could pass going out as a girl was incredibly thrilling, incredibly relaxing, incredibly natural and relaxed ... and then the biggest bummer of all time when i had to go back to being me. Now, I still feel completely natural in a dress, as if that's what i should be wearing .. But when I look in the mirror and see that actual, male figure looking back at me it just highlights the gulf from where I am to where I'd love to be. It's just too painful.

So the answer to the question in the OP is ... Yes! :(

Quote from: Firecat on October 08, 2012, 03:17:33 AM
Oh I believe its both fetish and deep down desire, I'm just concerned as to whether the fetish is making everything seem much more glamorous than what it is. I suspect not, as after about a week without indulging myself, and having very little in the way of male arousal, I feel calm and relaxed actually... my mind is a lot more clear, and yet even still, that desire is there, it never goes away... not when I'm happy, depressed... turned on or off. Not even when I'm scared. Sure I'll come to doubt myself, but my mind always comes full circle, but never does my desire to be female go away.

For me, there def is a sexual component to this.

That said, the whole  ->-bleeped-<- thing could only be true if: every female on the planet were not aroused by their own female sex organs being part of having sex. How many women never think about their femaleness during sex? It's part of what was frustrating about all this for me. I only become aroused -during sex- if I can -think- I am female. How is this different from other women? Just the fact I feel I am female isn't what is arousing, but "being male" in a sexual situation just doesn't work for me. I can't be thinking about my guy parts or even feeling them.

And while these feeling to sexual be a female are there, there is an even stronger need to sexually be a woman. I'm not sure you can ever totally separate them to try to figure out "Which is the reason".. I do think AA's such as spiro are a good tool to diagnose this. If you have zero interest to transition after being on them for a couple of months, then maybe the need to transition is based more on a sexual thing rather than a social one? Maybe being full time isn't required then? I don't know but for me being on AA didn't change the need to socially be a woman.

As far as these ups and downs and questioning all this, that is very normal. The hardest part of this for me was when I was living part time on a regular basis. I was a fem guy at work and a woman everywhere else. The switching back and forth was really tough to deal with. I can't ever say I was truly depressed but this part of my life was pretty rough to get through.

It is a HUGE leap of faith to change to the other gender and honestly, I can't say I was 100% sure this would solve these problems but now that I have, I can say 100% that it did.

Quote from: Carlita on October 08, 2012, 11:37:50 AM
Try writing fiction! ... For me it's such an escape writing my female characters because I see the world through their eyes and live out their experiences in my mind.

I do fancy myself a bit of a writer :3  Its been a while since I was in the groove, but its likely my next biggest life goal.

Quote from: Stephe on October 08, 2012, 12:17:00 PM


And while these feeling to sexual be a female are there, there is an even stronger need to sexually be a woman. I'm not sure you can ever totally separate them to try to figure out "Which is the reason".. I do think AA's such as spiro are a good tool to diagnose this. If you have zero interest to transition after being on them for a couple of months, then maybe the need to transition is based more on a sexual thing rather than a social one? Maybe being full time isn't required then? I don't know but for me being on AA didn't change the need to socially be a woman.

Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

Quote from: Firecat on October 08, 2012, 11:28:14 AM
I've always wished I could cosplay as Rydia at a convention, gods do I have a thing for green hair. Too bad I don't have the face for it.

Wait until FFIV: The Afteryears... Worst outfit ever. I grew up reading comics from Francois Bourgeon and Juillard, and all all the protagonists are quite similar: Really strong women breaking with the age's gender roles. Sooner or later I'll have to read Les Passagers du Vent again.

Dunno, I never read normal things... I love bande desinees.

Quote from: Firecat on October 08, 2012, 12:30:09 PM
I do fancy myself a bit of a writer :3  Its been a while since I was in the groove, but its likely my next biggest life goal.

Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

AA will do almost nothing in terms of ferminization, maybe a little more fat on your chest and some atypical fat redistribution, but that will all quickly reset once you have T in your body.

Clear, acne-free skin is a good benefit though:P

I'm not sure what spiro's effect on male fertility (or is it virility?) is. I think it wouldn't really leave you sterile even after years of use, but idk.

Quote from: Firecat on October 08, 2012, 12:30:09 PM
Are the effects of an AA reversible if said truths come to light?

AFAIK yes, especially after just a few months of use. A doctor would know for sure and yes >spiro only< will change your outlook on many things after just a few weeks. I was on just spiro for a year and saw some feminizing effect too. I would say after 1 month my "male sex drive" was basically gone + short temper and other T related things.

I think trying AA is a great way to determine if it's totally sexually related or not and you should be able to get on them without a "hormone letter".

Quote from: TessaM on October 08, 2012, 09:47:16 AM
I was so good with Sonya in Mortal Kombat. Blow deadly perfume in your face, and then KILL YOU!

She was certainly one of my all time favs.  I was always horrible at remembering combos so I never did too well with this sort of game though.

Quote from: Stephe on October 08, 2012, 12:17:00 PM
For me, there def is a sexual component to this.

That said, the whole  ->-bleeped-<- thing could only be true if: every female on the planet were not aroused by their own female sex organs being part of having sex. How many women never think about their femaleness during sex? It's part of what was frustrating about all this for me. I only become aroused -during sex- if I can -think- I am female. How is this different from other women? Just the fact I feel I am female isn't what is arousing, but "being male" in a sexual situation just doesn't work for me. I can't be thinking about my guy parts or even feeling them.

Well said! I've only ever fantasized about sex from a female perspective. So, does that mean I only want to be female to feed a sex fantasy? No ... my fantasies arise from a fundamentally female aspect of my personality.

That's why I get depressed, rather than turned on by the fact that my body is still male.

Quote from: Violet Bloom on October 08, 2012, 02:58:05 PM
She was certainly one of my all time favs.  I was always horrible at remembering combos so I never did too well with this sort of game though.

I could beat 90% of Mortal Kombat II with Lu Kang and using only the bycicle kick (press kick for five seconds). Until I reached Jade, which could pick my leg on the air and beat me to pulp...


Anti Androgens for knowing if the desire is real or not? I think I have read that before, something like "Let's put them on Androcur or Spiro and see if they still have gender dysphoria when they start losing their sex drive". That would worry me a lot ... If it was not for the fact that it's been a year since my sex drive started acting all weird and failing me. Sure, I was not a kid anymore and only had to milk it to avoid going crazy. Now it is even less, but... Not that I care a, lot that thing got me on my nerves. Although if it is hard to raise it now, I don't want to think if it will work on HRT. Only my brain makes it work, and rarely at full power.

Quote from: Carlita on October 08, 2012, 03:13:33 PM
Well said! I've only ever fantasized about sex from a female perspective. So, does that mean I only want to be female to feed a sex fantasy? No ... my fantasies arise from a fundamentally female aspect of my personality.

That's why I get depressed, rather than turned on by the fact that my body is still male.

Exactly. I can see how a man (Blanchard) wouldn't understand this and would think that wanting to be female is feeding a sexual fantasy. Totally like a guy to come up with this. The really odd part of Blanchards argument is he says this is only for TS's who like women. So do ALL lesbians have  ->-bleeped-<-? And why wouldn't his same theory work for a TS who prefers men and what about Bi people like myself who don't care what sex their partner is? The whole theory falls apart very quickly.

I agree with the posters who've said that there is definately a sexual element for me.
I find sex with a woman feels really, really wrong. After sex I would often pretend to fall asleep, really i'd be trying not to make a noise whilst crying myself to sleep.

The only way I could achieve an orgasm with a woman was to imagine I was in her position (it's not easy picturing yourself having sex with yourself, something to go in the things that creep me out thread methinks).
I didn't find wearing womens clothes a turn on, it just felt right, comfortable.
I still want to be able to fully enjoy being female but now i've sorted my feelings out it's more important that I can just exist as a female, anything else will just be the cherry on the cake.

Quote from: Jayne on October 08, 2012, 04:37:03 PM
I agree with the posters who've said that there is definately a sexual element for me.
I find sex with a woman feels really, really wrong. After sex I would often pretend to fall asleep, really i'd be trying not to make a noise whilst crying myself to sleep.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.uberkuh.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F01%2F01ED.jpg&hash=fbf70ca0c5b799b30ef7731fe90fe00ff6964858)

This picture, but with my face between my hands. At least you could do it, for me penetration killed all the feeling. But the worst part was... The thing going back at full power after giving up, like teasing me.

For the most, I've gone back to an almost asexual life again, too much issues in life to be worried about it, so I don't really think sex is playing a lot on my decisions. I may enjoy it later in life, but I doubt I will get any if I don't fix a few things prior to transition (extreme shyness, fear of rejection, sociability...). The worst thing would be to keep living the same secluded life after all the effort.

Quote from: Rotten Apple on October 08, 2012, 05:15:12 PM
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.uberkuh.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F01%2F01ED.jpg&hash=fbf70ca0c5b799b30ef7731fe90fe00ff6964858)

At least you could do it, for me penetration killed all the feeling. But the worst part was... The thing going back at full power after giving up, like teasing me.

I know that exact feeling, whilst I could con myself for a while it often failed, if I thought about what I was doing for a split second it was game over. Sometimes I would lose the ability to engage in sex before i'd started, other times it would leave me part way through.
The times I could get it up & keep it going I often couldn't finish, my ex thought I was great in bed because on the occasions I could keep it up & didn't lose it I often couldn't finish & after about an hour i'd make my excuses to end it.

In an eight year relationship I learnt many ways to avoid sex, the most common would be to mention that we should have an early night for some adult fun & then play on the xbox until she fell asleep (she's like the doormouse always snoozing). This would keep her thinking I was interested without me having to go through the full act.
I hated myself for being male, I hated myself for the games I played to fool her & I hated myself for not having the courage to come out.

At least now i'm being honest about who & what I am

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 12:48:58 PM
I'm so glad I posted this topic here last night; I was feeling very uneasy and questioning myself and the choice I've been consciously and subconsciously making for the last 8-10 years (more-so as time goes on, and especially within the last year to a year and a half)... and knowing how similar my thought patterns and desires and story are to some, if not most of you is very invigorating, and it makes me feel a lot more confident that I might truly be doing the right thing for me.

It's a most common feeling. Isn't it odd that we feel we can "become ourselves" merely by putting the "right" clothes on? It's a symptom not a cure. I had exactly the same feelings. I did it for years and the depression only got worse. There came a point when clothes could not do anything for me. I moved on.

Cindi

I just wish there was something I could do to finally make me feel comfortable in my decisions. There is a part of me driving myself towards seeking therapy and doing all this, and yet I find myself worrying and questioning it every step of the way, and lacking the self esteem to grab the bull by the horns even though I feel desperate to get started asap. Kinda confusing huh?

Quote from: Firecat on October 09, 2012, 02:49:27 PM
I just wish there was something I could do to finally make me feel comfortable in my decisions. There is a part of me driving myself towards seeking therapy and doing all this, and yet I find myself worrying and questioning it every step of the way, and lacking the self esteem to grab the bull by the horns even though I feel desperate to get started asap. Kinda confusing huh?

Not at all. I know the feeling quite well. It took me severall years to get past it. Finally, for me, things got to the point where I felt I had to transition. Don't puch yourself. Your time will come.

But see, I'm already at that point where almost every second of everyday, I'm thinking about making the transition, how I have to make the transition... that I don't have anything else in my life that has driven me to improve my lifestyle and start taking better care of myself and making changes. It was this gnawing thought in the back of my mind for all of 7-8 years, and within the last year has come to the front of my mind full force, and doesn't seem to give way.

I will be starting with my new gender therapist first thing in the morning, so here's to hoping for better results this time around!

And thankfully, I've been feeling much better about things since I joined this forum... I believe I'll be here to stay.

Quote from: Firecat on October 09, 2012, 10:02:56 PM
But see, I'm already at that point where almost every second of everyday, I'm thinking about making the transition, how I have to make the transition... that I don't have anything else in my life that has driven me to improve my lifestyle and start taking better care of myself and making changes. It was this gnawing thought in the back of my mind for all of 7-8 years, and within the last year has come to the front of my mind full force, and doesn't seem to give way.

I will be starting with my new gender therapist first thing in the morning, so here's to hoping for better results this time around!

And thankfully, I've been feeling much better about things since I joined this forum... I believe I'll be here to stay.

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.

She's great, I like her a lot :3  Very different than my last therapist--older, more professional and is more personable, she made no face one way or the other than indicated what she was actually thinking... I got to talking about my whole history of gender issues from the time I was 14 and started on my games, to the last year with the beginning of crossdressing and waking up one morning with the desperate realization that I wanted to be female. Honestly, I got a lot out today, and I feel awesome ^.^

Quote from: Firecat on October 10, 2012, 10:37:07 AM
She's great, I like her a lot :3  Very different than my last therapist--older, more professional and is more personable, she made no face one way or the other than indicated what she was actually thinking... I got to talking about my whole history of gender issues from the time I was 14 and started on my games, to the last year with the beginning of crossdressing and waking up one morning with the desperate realization that I wanted to be female. Honestly, I got a lot out today, and I feel awesome ^.^

That is great to hear. I am glad it went well for you.

Thank you :)

Quote from: Firecat on October 09, 2012, 10:02:56 PM
that I don't have anything else in my life that has driven me to improve my lifestyle and start taking better care of myself and making changes.

It's something we discussed on my therapy yesterday. How I had started to improve on a lot of fields regarding my personal issues, how I interact with people, the true person I have under all the self -hate... How all of this had been kickstarted by the desire to transition, and how far I had come into accepting myself. We were only fixing my disorders (if they really existed) and improving how I was perceiving myself, but accepting who I really wanted to be (not related to the gender) also made much easier accepting the worst issues I had with transitioning. Thinking on all the things I will have to learn, the surgeries of If I really have chances with my voice are enough to scare me again and reconsider if it is worth doing it, but... At first it was the physical thing, now it is more about who I really want to be, how I want to present to other persons and that in the end, I want to be accepted by people instead of just hiding and not socializing. As the therapist said yesterday, Well, if all of this is being caused by recognizing or accepting the GID, it is a good thing then!"

Can't wait to start the GD therapy.  I just wanted to bail out, but although I still have a long road before me in making me socially functional again, I feel more confident in most of the things. Or maybe I have stopped denialing things and accepting myself.



Well, until the BDD does another trick on me and have another breakdown. Careful...

I'm right there with you Apple. Since coming to the conclusion of who I wanted to be, I've faced my fear of driving in the city and on the highway... I've faced my fear of calling places and talking to doctors and therapists and banks and whatnot... I faced my fear of changing my hairstyle and growing it out (I'd never in my life changed my hair before the age of 23)... and I've found that I've become much more apt to eat better, control my anxiety and my depression and improve my appearance any way I can.

Though now I have another worry tonight, as I've found out that I'm allergic to very common ingredients in shampoo (Sodium Lauryl Sulfate), and its been causing my scalp to get red and inflame and itch, and my hair to shed.  I'd tried various different shampoos and all the same, each having that same ingredient.   Then, come to find out, my past history of over self manipulation had caused a buildup of DHT in my scalp which is clogging up the hair follicles and whatnot... then I read that the immune system attacks hair follicles...  and then connecting the dots, DHT... immune system... allergy... its my shampoo and my DHT problem that have been tag-teaming my scalp. Just tonight, I've noticed a bit of thinning near the parting of my hair, close to my hair swirl (and this is after two days of quick shedding).

Sooooo... I need to figure out just what I'm going to do about this before it progresses any further.

Well, you know what I had to do. With severe thinning and the medical system telling me "It's urgent and you are going to respond well to DHT blockers, but since the government has reduced our personnel, you will have to wait 6 months for me to check your analysis and give you the approval. You could go to a private dermatologist, bue we are the only ones than can prescribe it here. Deal with it". Sometimes you have to take risks.

Maybe it is the autumn shedding, but dutas is making me lose a lot of hair to the point where I think my condition is getting worse. But hey, I am still on the first month and the results don't appear until the third. But... This could be placebo effect, but maybe minoxidil is doing something. I was using it incorrectly, but after three months of changing the application method, I have hairs in my hairline that don't match the rest (shorter, as if they had started growing recently), and they were there before I started with the DHT blockers.

No side effects from the DHT blockers, though. The only change is that my hair has become much dryer. I needed to shampoo it daily to combat the excess of oil (damaging it even more), and know I am back to only doing it half of the week.


But, you know? The first time I crossdressed, it was not the clothes, fake books or makeup that made me feel different: It was the hair (the wig). At that moment I was not even worried about my gigantic nose and the rest of face defects that will need FFS. Since my hair situation has been bad for years and I had to deal with the classical ("If you leave your hair long it will fall quicker, all your family is bald, etc"), I just kept it short, just delaying every haircut the longest I could (until I had to cut it because of irritating family pressure).

If the DHT blockers start working, the hair gains health and the shedding is reduced and get a bit of regrowth, I may consider letting it grow. But since my GD therapy starts in november, it wont matter a lot...



BTW, don't make a lot of issues or you will run into BDD, same as me. My bad hip may not let me develop a good walking gait, my slight upper scoliosis may not let me move my arms properly, my voice may never work, my posture will always be stiff, my bad eye that needs that ptosis  to be fixed, all the other face problems... All of these things can get on top of your head if you don't have a good starting point, and yours is probably better than mine already.


So, my final decision: One thing at a time, I still have 6 months of GD therapy to work on other thing. Hair counter measures are addressed for now. Hip is checked for safety and can be fixed with physiotherapy and exercise. The next time I visit my doctor I will ask how the cause for the ptosis can be investigated before having it fixed (it was probably a Lasik surgery side effect. I can repair it for around 1600-2000€, but surgeon told me to find the cause first). In the meantime, keep the good diet, level of exercise and keep looking for a home to rent. Setting things in a linear fashion is less stressful than trying to take on all of them at the same time, failing and getting depressed.

I can agree with all that you said... though the hairloss situation makes me want to hasten everything greatly.  Currently, I'm seeking alternative haircare products and looking to change to an anti-inflammatory diet. I've already given up on my self-gratifying ways (or trying to at least)... I also started taking saw palmetto to see if it helps any.  I don't know what else I can do but hope for things work out.

Try straight sorbolene as a soap and shampoo. It should have no added ingredients and does not contain SLS. Also ask your Pharmacist, I think they are called Drug Stores in the USA, quaint name :laugh:

Try minoxidil / rogaine at 5%, but there is even a more important thing...


KEEP CALM AND RELAX!!!

The days where I got my last mental breakdown, maxium anxiety and panic attacks were the ones I lost more hair. And it takes months to recover the anxiety induced hair loss.

I take 5 scalp photos every 15 days, just to check the evolution. I may post them when I see an improvement.

But i heard when you start rogaine you have to be on it indefinitely or the hair falls back out..

I will say that the spot was excessively itchy the last few days, and I couldn't help but scratch it... so maybe I induced it myself. If thats the case, perhaps it'll regrow?

I apologize, I've once again taken my own topic way way off the original topic.

Quote from: Firecat on October 11, 2012, 03:05:46 AM
But i heard when you start rogaine you have to be on it indefinitely or the hair falls back out..

I will say that the spot was excessively itchy the last few days, and I couldn't help but scratch it... so maybe I induced it myself. If thats the case, perhaps it'll regrow?

I apologize, I've once again taken my own topic way way off the original topic.

Nah, it's OK, but every hair treatment is the same. In the moment you stop it you lose what you have gained. For some people the hair loss continued even after SRS, so most people will keep on DHT blockers at least until the factories have been removed.

Which means what, go on minoxidil til the male bits are removed, and it might stop the hairloss altogether?

You might want to try castile soap. It will work good on your hair too. If you get some with mint or teatree in it it will stimulate your scalp.

Oh now that sounds interesting, I've never heard of castile soap before... did you ever use it? Does it work well? And if so, what brand should I look at?

Quote from: Firecat on October 11, 2012, 10:09:55 AM
Oh now that sounds interesting, I've never heard of castile soap before... did you ever use it? Does it work well? And if so, what brand should I look at?

I really like Dr. Bronner's Pure Castile Soap. I think it works great! However, since I have started hrt my skin and hair have changed. It is no longer suitable for everyday use for me. I only use it a couple times a week now. I get it from Target, but I am sure they sell it at other stores. Plus, you can order it online or make it yourself. I have known quite a few people who make their own. I am just too lazy.

Quote from: Firecat on October 11, 2012, 09:37:50 AM
Which means what, go on minoxidil til the male bits are removed, and it might stop the hairloss altogether?

Minoxidil is a vasodilator that does nothing with DHT (regrowth is a "side effect" of its original intended purpose), and there are versions for both men and women at different concentrations. If it works, I would recommend to keep it using and not drop it. Every time I tried to drop it thinking it was doing nothing... SHEEEEEEDIIIIIING!!!! Previously you needed a prescription, but now it can be sold over the counter. Mine is mixed in a pharmacy, and gives much better results than the factory versions I tried before (less itching and dandruff).

As far as the theory goes, HRT will start reducing the T but remaining T would still be converted to DHT, so blockers are still a must. With the male factories removed the T would be even less, and DHT should follow.

QuoteMinoxidil needs to be applied once or the recommended twice daily, and may be used indefinitely for continued support of existing hair follicles and the maintenance of any experienced hair regrowth. To achieve maximum effect, the solution should be in contact with the scalp for at least 4 hours before allowing hair to get wet.[17] Minoxidil stimulates hair follicles and growth, but does not reduce DHT or the enzyme responsible for its accumulation around the hair follicle, 5-alpha reductase, which is the primary mediator of male pattern baldness in genetically susceptible individuals.[18] Therefore, when treatment is stopped, the DHT has its expected effect of shrinking and ultimately destroying the genetically predisposed hair follicles.

With Minoxidil you would stimulate growth, and with DHT blockers you would avoid the follicles dying, so they are a good combination. I have seen one person that used oral spiro instead of DHT blockers to keep the hair and regrowth a bit. After changing the method I used for minox application and avoiding the mistakes, I can say that I am getting some regrowth after three months, so let's see what happens now when combined with dht blockers.


To be honest, I did not  start with minox until two years ago, When I started to crap my pants with the thinning and temples increasing. My brother tried it for years along with all sort of vitamins and he is half bald at 22. He gave up on keeping the hair a few months ago.


PS: Yeah, MPB also played a factor in finally moving up with the desire to transtition before it was too late. It was now or never.

Wouldn't a standard anti-androgen count as a DHT blocker? And, I don't know, its a lot to really consider, my head is kinda spinning with all of it. I'm going to see a doctor today and see about this shampoo allergy, whether the small bald spot is due to scratching, as well as a couple other troublesome symptoms I've noticed which might or might not be related.

I tell ya', this is a pain in the butt, and I'm not trying to be a spaz, but for once I just want to feel like I have some manner of control.

Quote from: Brooke777 on October 11, 2012, 10:22:36 AM
I really like Dr. Bronner's Pure Castile Soap. I think it works great! However, since I have started hrt my skin and hair have changed. It is no longer suitable for everyday use for me. I only use it a couple times a week now. I get it from Target, but I am sure they sell it at other stores. Plus, you can order it online or make it yourself. I have known quite a few people who make their own. I am just too lazy.

Interesting, its safe for hair? It won't leave it all dried out, or super oily, or flat and tangled?

Quote from: Firecat on October 11, 2012, 10:54:08 AM
Interesting, its safe for hair? It won't leave it all dried out, or super oily, or flat and tangled?

Pre-hrt, I had really oily hair. It did the job of removing the oil. Now, my hair is "normal" so I don't have a lot of oil to remove anymore. I also have kind of curly hair which I hated in male mode. So it also helped to get rid of the curls...somewhat. But no tangles. For me it helped ensure I did not get them.

My hair is extremely thick, but I'd call it frayed around the edges right now. Its also very dark and straight. I want to say it dries out very easily after shampooing and under heat, but gets greasy after a few days without shampooing. My scalp I'd say is flaky and have noticed red patches under my part prior to last night when I noticed a bit of a bald spot under that same area.  Its not completely bald there, but it is thinner, and my hair tends to part funny there now.

Quote from: Albina on October 11, 2012, 08:54:58 PM
From my teens I remember that I loved and enjoyed very much beeing (and feeling!) crossdressed, and I was actually reluctant to take the girl's clothes off me every time I wore it. Of course, at that time I cannot explain why all that was happening to me. ..I very much look like my mother (and she was a beauty!), and when I saw myself in a mirror, I saw a pretty girl as my mom was, and who by some mistake became a boy. Through years, when I tried to stop crossdressing, the inner nature of me just made me more certain that I cannot do it. After that, and especially after finding about GID and transition, no more I looked back on my male part, and I started transition. Now I see that girl in the mirror, which I used to see (imagine) myself. But still, I very much regret of not being born as a girl. ...Now, after 10 months of being on HRT I am already on full time, and I pass absolutely naturally in all aspects - no one even suspect anything. And the funniest thing for me now is seeing those greedy men's looks on my legs in black capron, or on my face.

I think that's great! ^.^  I never had the chance to dress up when I was little, nor did I ever have the inkling--I was one of two boys in a military family, so... yeah.  But what a dream that would be, to be able to pass in all aspects, without a care in the world.