Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Helo :)

So today for the first time I opened up to my therapist about my gender dysphoria. I'm a really personal person, but on Monday I briefly mentioned it to my GP, and today decided it was finally time to actually tell him. It was very difficult but I know it was the right thing to do. The only way I can get help with this is to open up. I don't actually plan to tell anyone in my family or friends... at all (:D), but i'm sure progress will begin soon enough.

Anyway, I thought i'd post here. I'm a newbie so if this is in the wrong place, moderators, please move it. I just plan to keep updating this with any progress for people to read and hopefully offer words of advice/encouragement, or anything :).

If you want to know anything, let me know, otherwise, thanks for reading! :)

Saying it someone else can be quite cathartic. Also when you hear yourself say the actual words, not think them, forces the brain to process it in different ways. After nearly two years of the subject being a fairly regular topic between myself and my therapist, I could not believe how saying those words made me feel that day. Gone was about all the shame and guilt undercurrent.

Thanks for the reply, I hope I begin to feel the same way when we discuss it again. I must admit, it was a struggle to actually say it, but I felt a lot more at ease when we 'revisited the subject' as opposed to talking about it as new. I don't know what i'm really expecting and hoping for, and if so, how long it would take, but i'd imagine this is going to be a very long drawn out process. I'm 20 next month though, so I guess I best get a move on!

Today has been a very awkward day for me. My Dad is away, so it's one of the very rare chances I get to be the 'real me'. I couldn't this morning however, as my mother came round for a visit. We were on the discussion of her mother and why my Gran is depressed. "What's she got to be depressed about, she hasn't worked a day in her life!". Long story short, we got on to the cause of depression not being revealed by the 'victim', for personal reasons. I gave her hypothetical scenarios in which my Gran may be suffering depression yet not revealing why, for the good of those around her. "Maybe she feels as though she is in the latter stages of her life, yet doesn't want to say anything because it will upset you and Granddad." Maybe she feels as though she wants to go and do something with her last few years and not be a housewife, yet if she did that Granddad wouldn't be able to cope.". She didn't really accept this, and said you should always do what is best for you. So I gave her a hypothetical scenario involving me. However, it wasn't hypothetical.. I just convinced her it was.

I asked her to imagine how I would feel, if 'hypothetically' I suffered from gender dysphoria (I had to explain it to her :D). She didn't follow completely, so I just asked her how she would feel if I wanted to undergo a sex change, and become a girl in order to make me feel happy. She has always suspected I might be gay, so just told me I don't need to be a girl to like boys. I told her I knew that, but there isn't anything wrong with transexuals, and told her she needs to imagine just how awful they must feel, waking up feeling as though they are in the wrong gender every day of their life. I asked her 'hypothetically' whether she would be ok with me if I 'was' suffering from gender dysphoria, and wanted to become a girl. She said no. Just dismissed it just like that. She said it'd be "Too embarrassing" and not normal. "You were born a boy, so you would become a man. I would hate it if you were to become a woman, that's just not right.". I quickly changed the subject and reminded her it was a hypothetical scenario, as I felt I was beginning to get upset. She said she knew I was just using it as an example, but it's still difficult to even consider for her.

So that made me quite upset. I was actually looking forward to 'being me' for the afternoon and evening, but now i'm sitting here watching the football and actually considering to purge all my clothes. Ugh.

Decided not to waste the precious time I had whilst my Dad was away, and put on some girl clothes for a couple hours. Actually took a couple of pictures as i'd never done that before. Obviously I look 'weird' as i'm still fully a guy but at least I could be happy for a bit today :). I need to learn how to do makeup though, haha. If only I didn't have a skin disease, big nose and a large overbite, it'd be a lot easier to see me as a girl at this stage, haha! :p. Still, cheered up a bit after that depressing conversation this morning :).