Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 04:05:04 AM Return to Full Version
Title: I'm new here
Post by: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 04:05:04 AM
Post by: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 04:05:04 AM
Hi everyone. I just thought I should introduce myself. My name is Ashley. I'm 35 and have just made the decision to start tranisitioning. I've known that I'm trans since at least the fifth or sixth grade. What really sucks is that about 10 years ago it all started coming to a head, but I'm such a coward that I haven't done anything to further myself along.
Instead, I got married and had children, thinking that I would be able to bury these feelings and be a good husband and father. Instead, I've secretly been dressing and purging many times throughout the years. I also turned to food and started overeating. Part of it was a way to keep myself from entertaining the idea of transitioning because I would in no way be able to pass for a woman.
Now, here I sit in the middle of the night as I'm changing my online accounts to reflect my final decision. I made it nearly a week ago. Well, that's wrong. This decision was made a lifetime ago, but I've been to cowardly to acknowledge it, even to myself. But, I am unable to continue on being a man because that's not who I am. I look at YouTube videos and see younger women transform and look beautiful and I hate myself more for not starting when I had the chance.
Now, I face the prospect of hurting my wife and children. I've tried to drop subtle hints throughout the years and she has made it quite clear that our marriage will not survive this. The only understanding person that I think I could count on is my mother. She caught me twice wearing my sister's underwear. She even asked me if I wanted to be dress and be treated like a girl, but again, I took the coward's way out and told her no, all the while screaming in my mind "yes!" I think she suspects that I still struggle with this as we've talked over the years and she believes that for many people being gay, lesbian and transgendered are not choices but a biological imperative. I've tried over the years to fight it, to believe that I had a choice in this, but here I sit realizing that I don't. I am a woman. I have always been female and will become female.
I have to admit that the temptation to self-medicate is very strong, despite the risks. I used to wonder if all I needed was a little estrogen to make me feel normal. But, again, that's wrong as I know where this will lead. I already know that I can't do this halfway. I've thought it through and have examined every angle but I know that I will end up with SRS and maybe even FFS, though the last time I wore a wig I looked exactly like my sister (except with a 5-o'clock shadow). That was my original AHA! moment. I finally saw the girl inside who wants to get out. There's no going back now.
Anyway, I'm sorry to have rambled on. This is the first time I've vented all of this frustration out (I have not gone to see a therapist yet). I'm still quite nervous as I will have to come out to my wife sooner rather than later. I am hoping that I can lose some weight (I'm 5'8" and weigh in at 205lbs), possibly start electrolysis or laser hair removal before I do so that it won't be as shocking to her. On the other hand, I've toyed with the idea of just coming out and telling her or just leaving, but that's too much like running away, which again, is the coward's way out.
Thanks for listening.
Instead, I got married and had children, thinking that I would be able to bury these feelings and be a good husband and father. Instead, I've secretly been dressing and purging many times throughout the years. I also turned to food and started overeating. Part of it was a way to keep myself from entertaining the idea of transitioning because I would in no way be able to pass for a woman.
Now, here I sit in the middle of the night as I'm changing my online accounts to reflect my final decision. I made it nearly a week ago. Well, that's wrong. This decision was made a lifetime ago, but I've been to cowardly to acknowledge it, even to myself. But, I am unable to continue on being a man because that's not who I am. I look at YouTube videos and see younger women transform and look beautiful and I hate myself more for not starting when I had the chance.
Now, I face the prospect of hurting my wife and children. I've tried to drop subtle hints throughout the years and she has made it quite clear that our marriage will not survive this. The only understanding person that I think I could count on is my mother. She caught me twice wearing my sister's underwear. She even asked me if I wanted to be dress and be treated like a girl, but again, I took the coward's way out and told her no, all the while screaming in my mind "yes!" I think she suspects that I still struggle with this as we've talked over the years and she believes that for many people being gay, lesbian and transgendered are not choices but a biological imperative. I've tried over the years to fight it, to believe that I had a choice in this, but here I sit realizing that I don't. I am a woman. I have always been female and will become female.
I have to admit that the temptation to self-medicate is very strong, despite the risks. I used to wonder if all I needed was a little estrogen to make me feel normal. But, again, that's wrong as I know where this will lead. I already know that I can't do this halfway. I've thought it through and have examined every angle but I know that I will end up with SRS and maybe even FFS, though the last time I wore a wig I looked exactly like my sister (except with a 5-o'clock shadow). That was my original AHA! moment. I finally saw the girl inside who wants to get out. There's no going back now.
Anyway, I'm sorry to have rambled on. This is the first time I've vented all of this frustration out (I have not gone to see a therapist yet). I'm still quite nervous as I will have to come out to my wife sooner rather than later. I am hoping that I can lose some weight (I'm 5'8" and weigh in at 205lbs), possibly start electrolysis or laser hair removal before I do so that it won't be as shocking to her. On the other hand, I've toyed with the idea of just coming out and telling her or just leaving, but that's too much like running away, which again, is the coward's way out.
Thanks for listening.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Reagan on October 23, 2012, 05:27:20 AM
Post by: Reagan on October 23, 2012, 05:27:20 AM
Hey Ashley Welcome...
It sounds like you have been struggling for a while. I know the pain all to well. I to have been there and done that. I would like to offer some encouraging words. It gets better. I'm also married and have a child and every time I hear of someone struggling with this and coming out to their spouse and children my heart breaks for them. I know all to well what that feels like. I'm a little more fortunate than others because we were able to save our marriage. It can happen. I also know the struggles of having to explain the transitioning to children. It seem very daunting at times especially in the beginning. I would suggest getting a good qualified Gender Therapist. Mine helped me through a lot of this and was and still is a very important piece to my transition.
Communication is very important and so is arming yourself with the knowledge of what you are dealing with. I hope and wish you well. I'm glad to hear that you have ruled out self medication. That can be very dangerous.
~Rea
It sounds like you have been struggling for a while. I know the pain all to well. I to have been there and done that. I would like to offer some encouraging words. It gets better. I'm also married and have a child and every time I hear of someone struggling with this and coming out to their spouse and children my heart breaks for them. I know all to well what that feels like. I'm a little more fortunate than others because we were able to save our marriage. It can happen. I also know the struggles of having to explain the transitioning to children. It seem very daunting at times especially in the beginning. I would suggest getting a good qualified Gender Therapist. Mine helped me through a lot of this and was and still is a very important piece to my transition.
Communication is very important and so is arming yourself with the knowledge of what you are dealing with. I hope and wish you well. I'm glad to hear that you have ruled out self medication. That can be very dangerous.
~Rea
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Maddie on October 23, 2012, 05:43:47 AM
Post by: Maddie on October 23, 2012, 05:43:47 AM
Hi Ashley,
:)
I rather wish I'd done that. Bite the bullet. At least you managed to have offspring. Good for you.
What do you mean, "instead"? Your secret life doesn't make you a bad husband, or father.
I also don't see how being overweight would stop you from passing. There are plenty of obese women.
Anyway, welcome! I haven't been here that long myself, but the place seems pretty nice.
Maddie
:)
Quote from: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 04:05:04 AMInstead, I got married and had children,
I rather wish I'd done that. Bite the bullet. At least you managed to have offspring. Good for you.
Quotethinking that I would be able to bury these feelings and be a good husband and father. Instead, I've secretly been dressing and purging many times throughout the years. I also turned to food and started overeating. Part of it was a way to keep myself from entertaining the idea of transitioning because I would in no way be able to pass for a woman.
What do you mean, "instead"? Your secret life doesn't make you a bad husband, or father.
I also don't see how being overweight would stop you from passing. There are plenty of obese women.
Anyway, welcome! I haven't been here that long myself, but the place seems pretty nice.
Maddie
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 11:44:22 AM
Post by: AshleyM on October 23, 2012, 11:44:22 AM
Thanks Reagan and Maddie. I have been struggling for a while. A good portion of that comes from my religious beliefs. It's very hard to reconcile how you feel when you've been taught all of your life that it's very, very wrong. I know from reading on the Internet that many trans-women go through that so thankfully I know that I'm not alone.
As for saving my marriage, I wish I could, but based on conversations I've had with my wife I know exactly where she stands. A while ago several of our neighbors found out their husbands were deeply into porn and my wife unequivocally informed me that I would be out of the house if that were me. Thankfully I could answer honestly that I'm not into it as I identify with women and feel it is demeaning. But, over the years we've watched shows like Dr. 90210, America's Next Top Model and a few others. I've ventured the question of what she would do if I were to become a girl. The results weren't pretty. She made very sure that I knew it was unacceptable and that it would be worth leaving me over.
As for a gender therapist, I have one which the local LGBT center recommended, but I haven't called her yet. Since I'm not out I haven't figured out how I would explain that. I'm hoping that if I can get started that I can show my wife how much better I feel as a woman and that would help her be a little more understanding. Though, I also realize that I may have to bite the bullet and get it over with like pulling off a band-aid. I've never actually talked to anyone about this before until my post last night.
Don't get me wrong, though. I love my wife and children more than anything. They're the number one reason why I didn't transition earlier. But, I've reached that point in my life where I've realized that this is not going away and I have to do something about it. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, but I regret not telling my mom and not transitioning right out of high school so that I would have become a young woman, wife and possibly mother.
As for my weight, I have it in all of the male areas. When dressed I definitely don't have any sort of feminine appearance. So I've started running and eating less (and better). I'd like to lose around 60lbs and get down to the 140s. I think at the very least it would help with my self-esteem.
Thanks again for listening. I know that I can't do this on my own.
As for saving my marriage, I wish I could, but based on conversations I've had with my wife I know exactly where she stands. A while ago several of our neighbors found out their husbands were deeply into porn and my wife unequivocally informed me that I would be out of the house if that were me. Thankfully I could answer honestly that I'm not into it as I identify with women and feel it is demeaning. But, over the years we've watched shows like Dr. 90210, America's Next Top Model and a few others. I've ventured the question of what she would do if I were to become a girl. The results weren't pretty. She made very sure that I knew it was unacceptable and that it would be worth leaving me over.
As for a gender therapist, I have one which the local LGBT center recommended, but I haven't called her yet. Since I'm not out I haven't figured out how I would explain that. I'm hoping that if I can get started that I can show my wife how much better I feel as a woman and that would help her be a little more understanding. Though, I also realize that I may have to bite the bullet and get it over with like pulling off a band-aid. I've never actually talked to anyone about this before until my post last night.
Don't get me wrong, though. I love my wife and children more than anything. They're the number one reason why I didn't transition earlier. But, I've reached that point in my life where I've realized that this is not going away and I have to do something about it. Maybe it's a midlife crisis, but I regret not telling my mom and not transitioning right out of high school so that I would have become a young woman, wife and possibly mother.
As for my weight, I have it in all of the male areas. When dressed I definitely don't have any sort of feminine appearance. So I've started running and eating less (and better). I'd like to lose around 60lbs and get down to the 140s. I think at the very least it would help with my self-esteem.
Thanks again for listening. I know that I can't do this on my own.
Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on October 23, 2012, 03:11:52 PM
Post by: Ms. OBrien CVT on October 23, 2012, 03:11:52 PM
Hi Ashley, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 8673 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
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Welcome to our little family. Over 8673 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-3.gif&hash=f49e2f86761323f2abd9c33941920389dbb3b10f)
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS ) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileys.on-my-web.com%2Frepository%2FAnimals%2Fferret-8.gif&hash=d9498942f8bbb4bf3ad29af75944ea5e1135c6fa)
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Title: Re: I'm new here
Post by: Catherine Sarah on October 24, 2012, 07:19:43 AM
Post by: Catherine Sarah on October 24, 2012, 07:19:43 AM
Hi Ashley,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking. And I've noticed already you have no problems in doing that. It's good to get this stuff off your chest. It relieves a burden and gives you air to breath so you can meet the next challenge
It's definitely not an easy road, particularly with a wife and family.
However it may be comforting to know, if you don't know already, GID (Gender Indentity Disorder) is a well established and know MEDICAL condition. You have have had NO choice in he matter as it can be traced to a variety of deviations in your hormonal, genetic or environmental circumstances. If not treated effectively, depression, anxiety, self harm, a plethora of other non related medical conditions can prevail, and a higher probability of suicide are all potential outcomes from denial of the condition.
As it appears your relationship with your wife and children are in the forefront of your concerns, might I suggest you contact your therapist and discuss this matter alone, as she may have appropriate resources to help both you and your wife, understand the immensity of the situation. I'm not aware that you have to be "out" to see a therapist. I would think that to be counter productive.
I wouldn't suggest you discuss this with your wife until you are totally conversant with the matter. Whether your therapist can explain the matter to your wife in a more cohesive manner may provide your wife with a better understanding of the condition. There is this strange kudos about being told by a professional that makes the situation more credible than explaining it ourselves. There is not that emotional bond that can misconstrue meanings.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in and start talking. And I've noticed already you have no problems in doing that. It's good to get this stuff off your chest. It relieves a burden and gives you air to breath so you can meet the next challenge
It's definitely not an easy road, particularly with a wife and family.
However it may be comforting to know, if you don't know already, GID (Gender Indentity Disorder) is a well established and know MEDICAL condition. You have have had NO choice in he matter as it can be traced to a variety of deviations in your hormonal, genetic or environmental circumstances. If not treated effectively, depression, anxiety, self harm, a plethora of other non related medical conditions can prevail, and a higher probability of suicide are all potential outcomes from denial of the condition.
As it appears your relationship with your wife and children are in the forefront of your concerns, might I suggest you contact your therapist and discuss this matter alone, as she may have appropriate resources to help both you and your wife, understand the immensity of the situation. I'm not aware that you have to be "out" to see a therapist. I would think that to be counter productive.
I wouldn't suggest you discuss this with your wife until you are totally conversant with the matter. Whether your therapist can explain the matter to your wife in a more cohesive manner may provide your wife with a better understanding of the condition. There is this strange kudos about being told by a professional that makes the situation more credible than explaining it ourselves. There is not that emotional bond that can misconstrue meanings.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy. Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine