Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As you notice the changes do you see your SO growing away from you or closer to you?

So far in my limited experiencein this feild I'ed say CLOSER by far...
but that realy depends upon the SO.... people will flucuate between closer and further away
naturally , I don't think its a serious concern for your togatherness realy !
keep talking to them and keep the lines of cominucation open,  remember, they have alot on their minds, more than you or I do ... they are in essance, running 2 lives at once and it ain't easy.
having to corrolate them togather and make sense of the emotions is alot for a normal person to do , yet alone a person with the TS problem...
if you feel shut out of their lives, TELL THEM SO !  remember comunication is the key
to a good healthy relationship.
but just remember this feeling shut out of their lives happens in normal relationships as well all the time, and they don't need your extra baggage and concerns, just so they are aware of it is enough...

in my married life I can say Honnestly that I have Never felt shut out of my wife's life
ever in over 31 years of marrage... flustrated yes, concerned yes, helpless yes, but never "SHUT OUT"    but don't take that as the new standard of life eather, we have an exceptional relationship my wife and I ... we just get along extreamily well togather.
she's my best friend, and companion... I don't like to do anything without her at my side
she is a part of me, in the most basic of ways , the other half of my personality if you will, and I'm her striength, we compliment each other to the "T"  even on our "bad days"
and we all have bad days... even the best of us  ! <grin>
...
just my 2 coppers !

Bob.....

Quote from: togetherwecan on April 29, 2007, 05:13:34 PM
As you notice the changes do you see your SO growing away from you or closer to you?

Away, in an overall sense at least.

She'll no longer touch me. There's no more intimacy. No more of those simple little things, like a hug when we see one another, or a quick kiss, or a held hand, or... anything of the sort. Affection died.

On the other hand, we're sorta better friends in some ways. It's strained - at least for now - because the loss of the old relationship (which never worked anyway) is still a source of pain and resentment. But in some ways, we relate more honestly now. But more like two purely platonic girlfriends, and not people who share an emotional investment.

A few nights ago, we found ourselves sitting on the floor together, eating popcorn and watching "Lost." And afterwards, the innocence of it all kinda dawned on me. No kissing. No touching. Just two friends hanging out. And later that night we got into talking about guys, who I find cute, what she needs from a guy, etc. Sooooo... I dunno. We're close, but not like we were - or I should say not how we TRIED to be.

~Kate~

I can say that in my own case that we grew apart.  The more that I discovered myself the more Gill discovered herself as she too had to re-evaluate her own situation as our marriage had certainly irreversibly changed.  We are still very good friends and she was true to her word that she would support me through transition.  But now she needs to live her own life now and move on.  While I'm truly saddened with the outcome of our marriage/relationship I still love her and will do everything I can to ensure her happiness. So if this makes any sense... Transition made us both stronger that resulted in us growing apart.

Quote from: Bob on April 29, 2007, 05:51:18 PM
So far in my limited experiencein this feild I'ed say CLOSER by far...

having to corrolate them togather and make sense of the emotions is alot for a normal person to do , yet alone a person with the TS problem...
...
just my 2 coppers !

Bob...

HMMM ponders (not wanting to change the subject) and replies - I'm quite "normal" Bob :) and I'm curious as to what you mean by "a person with a TS problem"?  I do not have a "TS problem", I apparently have a medical condition which is treatable with medication and surgical intervention - no problem...

Maybe a topic in it's self.

Steph

I suppose my ex outgrew me... I still really havnt figured it all out so  *shrugs*

She had her issues, I had mine, she was all for my transition for a while, then asked me to put on hold... the depression that that caused prevented me from being supportive towards her, and her issues caused her to stop supporting me...... *sighs* Its 3 weeks to a year from the day my life took that harsh turn.

For me it's too soon to tell.  So far we have grown more distant and then more close, in waves almost.

heck of a ride, I gotta tell ya.

hugs & smiles
helen

Poor choice of words Steph ! Sorry !
You may well be "Normal"  I just feel as if being a TS person is alot harder than being a "Normal" person , one without TS ishues in the sense that life is hard enough for normal people  alone... without adding any other ishues at all,   where at times one more straw can brake the cammels back so to speak... in that respect its harder...for a ts person than for a Normal person ...if you get my meaning , I'm not TS so I don't realy know, I am assumeing
that its tougher... just another problem in the long list of problems adds to the pain.
...
the ishue here however is that people change and grow appart or closer togather over time
and that is inevitable in any case, no matter weather you have TS ishues or not
changeing With a person as they change over time can't alwayse be done though you can try
you just simply grow appart in diferent ways... this has been going on in Man's life cycle sense time began, its just how things work..  this can be good or bad, the best thing to do is make the best of it no matter what the outcome.
... I think some times we think that our relationships are growing thin at times  only to find later that they are just as strong or stronger than they've alwayse been...
that is what I mean by "fluctuateing"  there are times when you simply pay more attention to your mate  and then other times when they are quite far from your mind, people work that way and its ok ....
don't think your relation ship is ending just because your mate is pre-occupied with something for a while.... its called "Distracted" is all !<GRIN>
... On the other hand there are signs that tell you the relationship is ending too, and the list is long for some and short for others and it is diferent for each person.
thats about the best explanation i can come up with .
...
Bob......

"Outgrown" me?  I don't know that one, but she has become more distant and none accepting.  Like so many spouses she feels that Sarah has stolen her security, her safety.

Enough said.

Sarah L.

I'd say we've probably grown closer, but we've always been quite close..  So when she told me it was a 'no secrets' thing.. since she told me, she has started her transition, shes on HRT, and we live a lesbian lifestyle...  I guess it really has made our relationship more solid.. she is more confidant as a woman..

I think me and my husbad have gotten more distant from each other since he told me he wants to be a woman. I think I am scared and when he wants to talk to me, I cringe and avoid it. He talks to me about his desire to transition in the near future almost everyday and it is so heavy for me, so I think I am using distance so that I can still function in my day to day life. Even though I take this distance, I am always worrying about him, so we end up chatting about it all of the time, but whether or not I talk to him about it, it feels heavy. If I talk to him I feel sad, when I dont talk to him I worry if he is ok, or if he is lonely...

I dont want to outgrow my husnabd, but I am scared that if I dont get with the program he will outgrow me and I will loose him forever.

communication can be really hard and painful sometimes, especially in the beginning... there is a very real sense of loss... losing your husband, your family life and dynamic... friends, family etc... But you really do need to keep talking to each other, voice the fears, tackle them head on.. tell him (her?) that its sad to talk about, and why... Talk about what your goals are, yours and his (hers)... do they want to transition? do you support that? try finding a counselor to talk to.. and I really suggest going together.. you may need or want separate counseling as well, but I think that counseling together can really help the communication through the journey...

and of course talk to us :)

Had my ex spouse been able to support me, I would have stayed with her for life. For I still have a great bond with her. But our religion put up such a barrier that there were no other choices that could be made.

Cindi

Do any of you that have transistioned (or at least begun to) feel that your SO's distance was created by the difference in your personalities (if any) more than the outward differences?
Other than not transition, do you feel in hindsight there could have been more you could have done to save the relationship?

Quote from: togetherwecan on May 12, 2007, 10:53:58 PM
Do any of you that have transistioned (or at least begun to) feel that your SO's distance was created by the difference in your personalities (if any) more than the outward differences?

Both personality differences and physical differences I would say. At times, I've been so focused on transition that I sometimes lose focus on my wife. On the other hand she is sometimes unsure of how to maintain intimacy, especially since I'm sort of in both worlds being pre-op and not yet full time.

Rhonda

I havnt started my transition yet but I can say the first few weeks we seemed to get a lot closer, thats after coming out but now every day evry week we drift further and further apart. This isnt because she finds me less atractive because I havnt chaged physicly, but emotionly and carictoristics are changing all the time. I am becoming more femminate every day.

I think she knows aswell ,as I that transition looks more and more faverable the further we go into this journey. If I do then I know that it is the end of my marrage and I realy dont want that.

Which is stronger want or need?

I hope that more of you have better sucsess than me.


Lucy

At this point my SO and I are becoming closer. She is very supportive. I think one thing that is making it a bit easier is that she is bisexual so we don't have that part to deal with. (if that makes any sense) She simply wants to be with a happy parrtner and doesn't care what the gender of the partner is. We both realize I am happier as a male and now the test begins I guess. I am trying to not get my hopes up but at this point but have to believe. I feel closer to her than ever and feel like we finally have a chance to really know each other, after a 15 year relationship together.
Myles