Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have a problem: I have been asked to a friend's hen party. 3 nights in Spain. Problem is, I'm a transguy (obviously) and the Bride doesn't know ( 2 other's in the friendship group know but don't seem to realise why it might be a problem for me)

How the Hell do I get round being a guy at a traditionally all female gathering?

Need to decide by Monday aswell, as they are booking on Tuesday. Only found out about the whole thing two days ago.

Secondary problem: Dad is getting married again next year. I'm dreading being asked to be bride's maid. He doesn't know any different to me being his 'daughter'

Feel so selfish and ashamed and guilty :(


Edit: Just been thinking, my big Brother has one of the other girls' facebook and presuming she puts up a status or pics or whatever of the Hen Party, I imagine he's going to wonder why I'm not there also. :/

If it was me I would NEVER go to a all female party EVER. That would just scream: "I'm NOT a real guy" everywhere. I'm sure you wouldn't do that.
It's not selfish not to go. If they know you are trans it's selfish and disrespectful for them to even think of asking.

Are you out to your dad? Do would he have a problem with you being trans?

You sure are in a pickle dude!

The way I see, you have two options:

1) Come out, come out, and watch the fireworks go. How that would this work depends on your family and friends attitude, and in your willingness to face the music  :o

2) Endure the unendurable and suffer the insufferable, play the role and enjoy the champgne and the lace  >:-)

I'm a chick and I wouldn't go to a hen party.   Can I ask you all a question?   Why do people on this site so often discuss that "bad moment" where your "gender issues" seem to be the focus of the conflict and so you kind of follow it down the road.


I'd just say Damn!  I can't make it.  And to SPAIN!  Oh man that's so disappointing but I can't go.   Why in the world would people care if you are unable to attend a party traveling (I'm assuming) with only two days notice?

If dad asks you to be a brides maid,  (and that's a little weird,  usually the bride picks her friends to be a brides maid, not the groom's child) just say "No!  I have no interest in being a brides maid"

I have yet to meet a woman who liked it.  It's expensive etc.

Just say NO.  That's it.

Can you say you've not got an in date passport?  That would get you out of the hen party and probably not offend anyone -- there's no way you can get a passport in 2 days.  Unless they know you've already got a passport, in which case it would be harder to get out of.  Does your brother know you have a passport?  That lie could work for him as well.

I refused to be my cousins bridesmaid when she got married a few years ago.  I said yes initially but then realised how awkward I'd be, and how I'd not want to let her down by being really awkward and ruining their day by messing up.  She understood that dresses really weren't my thing and I don't think she was too bothered by it.

unless you are in spain the distance should be a good enough exuse.
just say you dont feel like traveling for the moment or that you got other plans.

If people invite me to events who happents in other countrys then they also understand if I dont have the money, or surplus to go.
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Quote from: peky on October 27, 2012, 04:57:17 PM
You sure are in a pickle dude!

The way I see, you have two options:

1) Come out, come out, and watch the fireworks go. How that would this work depends on your family and friends attitude, and in your willingness to face the music  :o

2) Endure the unendurable and suffer the insufferable, play the role and enjoy the champgne and the lace  >:-)

I don't think I'll be able to come out before Monday (decision day) Too scared! :p

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 04:49:43 PM
If it was me I would NEVER go to a all female party EVER. That would just scream: "I'm NOT a real guy" everywhere. I'm sure you wouldn't do that.
It's not selfish not to go. If they know you are trans it's selfish and disrespectful for them to even think of asking.

Are you out to your dad? Do would he have a problem with you being trans?

I'm not out to the Bride though, or even the others properly  :embarrassed: the others just know I'm uncomfy about being assigned female

I'm not out to any of my family yet. We're just not the kind of family that chats easily to each other. I'm afriad of creating an atmosphere. Also Big Brother seems to have a problem with me not being feminine so I don't want to make his malicious jibes worse. I know I'll have to let them know at some point though, especially if i man up and take things further

Quote from: mixie on October 27, 2012, 05:00:19 PM
I'm a chick and I wouldn't go to a hen party.   Can I ask you all a question?   Why do people on this site so often discuss that "bad moment" where your "gender issues" seem to be the focus of the conflict and so you kind of follow it down the road.


I'd just say Damn!  I can't make it.  And to SPAIN!  Oh man that's so disappointing but I can't go.   Why in the world would people care if you are unable to attend a party traveling (I'm assuming) with only two days notice?

If dad asks you to be a brides maid,  (and that's a little weird,  usually the bride picks her friends to be a brides maid, not the groom's child) just say "No!  I have no interest in being a brides maid"

I have yet to meet a woman who liked it.  It's expensive etc.

Just say NO.  That's it.

I dunno, the trip is in May but the want to book it now to get the cheapest deal. I really love being around these pals and normally jump at the chance to socialise with them so I'm thinking they/my family would find it odd for me to say no, especially considering I love travelling nad Spain :/

Quote from: Alex000000 on October 27, 2012, 05:50:43 PM
Can you say you've not got an in date passport?  That would get you out of the hen party and probably not offend anyone -- there's no way you can get a passport in 2 days.  Unless they know you've already got a passport, in which case it would be harder to get out of.  Does your brother know you have a passport?  That lie could work for him as well.

I refused to be my cousins bridesmaid when she got married a few years ago.  I said yes initially but then realised how awkward I'd be, and how I'd not want to let her down by being really awkward and ruining their day by messing up.  She understood that dresses really weren't my thing and I don't think she was too bothered by it.

Nah mate, everyone knows i've got an in date passport, I go to Uni on the mainland (UK) so I need one to get to there.

Good on you for being brave enough re. the cousin's bridemaid thing

Quote from: Natkat on October 27, 2012, 07:39:35 PM
unless you are in spain the distance should be a good enough exuse.
just say you dont feel like traveling for the moment or that you got other plans.

If people invite me to events who happents in other countrys then they also understand if I dont have the money, or surplus to go.
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The thing is, it's in May next year so Ican't say I don't feel like travelling atm :( Everyone knows that I'll be off university and home by then aswell and that work will give me a few days off for it :(

I'm well and truly stuck :s

thanks for all your views, more is always appreciated

Either come out now before it gets worse, find a good excuse or do as they tell you. Sorry, but I can't seem to think of something else.

Oh I see you have two days notice to book with them.  Well look it's not until next May and it's not impossible for you to change your mind in May?  Just say for now you can't make it but you'll see later.   Don't make it a big deal.  Who knows what will happen by next May?  You might be out by then.   

But you know what I think.   I think as to the question I asked,  that you often get opportunities that you could use to come out and you wonder if you should.  I don't think it's about the hen party deep inside, it's the question  "Should I come out?"  and the answer is yes. :)

Quote from: mixie on October 27, 2012, 08:32:27 PM
Oh I see you have two days notice to book with them.  Well look it's not until next May and it's not impossible for you to change your mind in May?  Just say for now you can't make it but you'll see later.   Don't make it a big deal.  Who knows what will happen by next May?  You might be out by then.   

But you know what I think.   I think as to the question I asked,  that you often get opportunities that you could use to come out and you wonder if you should.  I don't think it's about the hen party deep inside, it's the question  "Should I come out?"  and the answer is yes. :)

Yeh, I guess I could say yes for now then back out later but then I've lostmoney and I'd have to keep up the appearance for ages if I haven't come out by then.

Nah, this is about the Hen party for now, as i literally have a day now to decide. I do ask myself the 'should i come out?' Q all the time but for now I'm trying to decide about the party.

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 08:30:49 PM
Either come out now before it gets worse, find a good excuse or do as they tell you. Sorry, but I can't seem to think of something else.

Yeh, that's the thing..it would need to be a very good excuse as to why I couldn't go. I have a feeling someone will worm it out of me eventually :(


I was talking to two uni pals who I'm out to about it last night and they seemed to htink I was silly for thinking about not going. 'you try to hard to be a guy' one even said. I think they think that I can just blank out the dysphoria whenever I want though.

That's so sad. I think you should find a way to educate them on dysphoria. I would have linked you to my comic, but it's not done yet. I'm willing to try to make a drawing for you to show dysphoria if you are interested or maybe an essay about it.

You have three choices, the way I see it.

1.) Come out and say you're trans so you can't go. (Obviously not your top pick, as you have stated).
2.) Say you can't go and leave it at that. If they ask for a reason, make one up.
3.) Just suck it up and go.

I can tell you what I would do in your situation, but I doubt that would help. Just choose what makes you most comfortable and be ready in case you have to deal with family pressures. Good luck.

just don't go. say it makes you uncomfortable, say you have other plans, say you're sorry but no, good luck bro :/

Quote from: El Capitan on October 27, 2012, 08:15:57 PM
The thing is, it's in May next year so Ican't say I don't feel like travelling atm :( Everyone knows that I'll be off university and home by then aswell and that work will give me a few days off for it :(

I'm well and truly stuck :s

thanks for all your views, more is always appreciated

I see,
as said you manly must choose to come out or just deal with it,
I had been to a couple of only girl groups, for my time, never a girl night but alot of "only girl things"

I generally dealt with it to try forgetting the fact and just try to focus on being there as a person, and that my gender wouldnt matter. But I guess it was a bit more easy in my caise cause the girls where usunally tomboyish, and once I was in a group where it where very-girly-girly we had a tomboy girl who didnt felt confortable and so it was changed to be a bit more gender neutral even when only girls where allowed.

I did quit one group because I couldnt deal with it being a girl group, and it annoyed me everytime people mentioned it.

the other group I where in I came out as being trans, I was still invited to the group if I felt like but I didnt play the female part so to speak, when we had make up days I was the make up artist doing make up on the girls not opposite. also they did once in a while ask guys to join but manly they didnt cause it would be agenst there pride.
---

I'd say don't go. You don't necessarily have to disclose, just make up a reason and don't go--also at some point, if it's safe, I'd really recommend telling your dad you can't be a bridesmaid or wear dresses.

My best friend invited me to his bachelor party know well and good that I am a woman.  This was a very traditionally male environment, but I still had fun. It gave me a an interesting insight into men. Just because something is traditionally associated with the opposite gender, does not mean you can't enjoy it. I personally like to try new things, so if you think you could handle hanging out with a bunch of women, consider it a learning experience. You never know, it could be a lot of fun. Just my two cents.

Quote from: Ayden on October 27, 2012, 10:34:10 PM
You have three choices, the way I see it.

1.) Come out and say you're trans so you can't go. (Obviously not your top pick, as you have stated).
2.) Say you can't go and leave it at that. If they ask for a reason, make one up.
3.) Just suck it up and go.

I can tell you what I would do in your situation, but I doubt that would help. Just choose what makes you most comfortable and be ready in case you have to deal with family pressures. Good luck.

Interested to know what you would do in my situation? :p  :laugh:

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 27, 2012, 08:50:33 PM
That's so sad. I think you should find a way to educate them on dysphoria. I would have linked you to my comic, but it's not done yet. I'm willing to try to make a drawing for you to show dysphoria if you are interested or maybe an essay about it.

Thanks for the offer mate, I'll let you know if I'm ever in need of one  :)

Quote from: KyleXX on October 28, 2012, 02:17:42 AM
just don't go. say it makes you uncomfortable, say you have other plans, say you're sorry but no, good luck bro :/

I've now let two of the friends (still not the bride) no that I'm really stressing about it as it makes me feel uncomfortable due to me identifying as a guy but I also like spending time with themso I'm stuck. No one really knows what to reply with  :embarrassed: I'm seeing if i can decide tomorrow instead off tonight. Also said that I dunno what I'll be like in May, so they might have a more 'apparent' more 'out' guy with them  :P

Quote from: Natkat on October 28, 2012, 06:06:37 AM
I see,
as said you manly must choose to come out or just deal with it,
I had been to a couple of only girl groups, for my time, never a girl night but alot of "only girl things"

I generally dealt with it to try forgetting the fact and just try to focus on being there as a person, and that my gender wouldnt matter. But I guess it was a bit more easy in my caise cause the girls where usunally tomboyish, and once I was in a group where it where very-girly-girly we had a tomboy girl who didnt felt confortable and so it was changed to be a bit more gender neutral even when only girls where allowed.

I did quit one group because I couldnt deal with it being a girl group, and it annoyed me everytime people mentioned it.

the other group I where in I came out as being trans, I was still invited to the group if I felt like but I didnt play the female part so to speak, when we had make up days I was the make up artist doing make up on the girls not opposite. also they did once in a while ask guys to join but manly they didnt cause it would be agenst there pride.
---

yeah, I've been thinking I could just go and try to forget the whole 'female thing' I dunno how hard that would be though  :-\ I feel bad that I can't just turn off these feelings and jump at the opportunity to spend three days in Spain with them.

Just trying to picture what kind of things they'd want to do.

Quote from: Green_Tony on October 28, 2012, 09:26:13 AM
I'd say don't go. You don't necessarily have to disclose, just make up a reason and don't go--also at some point, if it's safe, I'd really recommend telling your dad you can't be a bridesmaid or wear dresses.

hmm that also reminds me, another close friend is engaged (well, has been for 6yrs or so) and could well be getting married soon. When I was in girl mode, she gave hints soemtimes about me being her Bride's maid. I'm jealous of cis guys  right now as they don't even have to deal with this.

Quote from: Brooke777 on October 28, 2012, 09:36:13 AM
My best friend invited me to his bachelor party know well and good that I am a woman.  This was a very traditionally male environment, but I still had fun. It gave me a an interesting insight into men. Just because something is traditionally associated with the opposite gender, does not mean you can't enjoy it. I personally like to try new things, so if you think you could handle hanging out with a bunch of women, consider it a learning experience. You never know, it could be a lot of fun. Just my two cents.

Hmm you raise good points. I do feel I could enjoy it, but as you probably know, dysphoria strikes at all sorts of weird things and I'm worried that could throw me a bit over the edge. They are fun people to be with and in many ways, Ifeel it might be a shame if I didn't go.


I'm still in limbo folks, but thanks for your views again

For me, it was a great time.  However, at the end of the night all the guys wanted to go to a strip club. Talk about dysphoria! Seeing the naked women on stage within arms reach was horrible! I could only stay there for about 30 minutes before it was just too much, and I had to leave.  But, the rest of the night was great! Especially when one of the drunk rednecks fell on his face in the street.  >:-)

Hmm.. since they are people that you normally hang around, just try to think of it as you guys just going on an outing together rather than some sort of bridal thing that is only for girls. If it was me, I don't think I'd go. I can't stand being in large groups of women as it is >.<

As for the bridesmaid thing.. you don't sound too close with your family and I think you said that they knew you weren't comfortable with feminine roles... you could just try saying no? Idk, my mom tried to get me to be her bridesmaid when she was getting remarried and I begged and begged to not have to do it and she finally agreed. I am not trans or anything, I just very much dislike being put into that sort of femaleish category. It's hard to explain  ???

Anyways, good luck on making your decision!!

muffinpants I'm not saying you're trans*, but trans is not only ftm and mtf transsexuals. It's an umbrella term about all kind of genders. Also in general a lot of people tend to be uncomfortable in situations were you gender sex means a lot. For example if everybody wants to put a tomboy in a vary girlish role.

@ Sparrow - sorry, I know I'm not hip on all the terms. There are so many different ones to use when it comes to gender and sex I'm bound to use the wrong one every now and again :P

What I meant was that I'm not trans as in ftm or mtf but in general I am okayish with the female role.. mainly because there is more variety allowed. Perhaps I am trans in a sense? Idk! There are too many labels to sift through, I know what I feel for the most part so I'll just be happy with that.

muffinpants You could be genderqueer (that too is an umbrella term  ^-^). Not male nor female. I identify as ftm agender (or semi male, masculine agender). I really don't care about gender, but I'm ok with the fact that people think of me as a guy. I'm really uncomfortable with being put in the female role and I really like to have a masculine body. I get dysphoria as other people have. You might be a little like me without the ftm transsexual part?

I'm getting off-topic here... Sorry  :-\

Dude, just go, you defensive person.  :eusa_wall: You seem to be finding every reason not to say no now, so just do it. It doesn't make you a girl to attend a party for the sole reason of wanting to hang out with your friends.   :)

Idk, if it's comparable I think it would be a lot of fun being the only girl at an all guy party. :P Well unless I was the stripper or something, or if it was full of a bunch of annoying frat boys, or...... you know what? Nevermind.

Am I the only one that doesn't get why people do gendered things anyway?

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 28, 2012, 09:35:44 PM
Am I the only one that doesn't get why people do gendered things anyway?

No, I don't get it either. Co-ed stuffs can be fun.  :)

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 28, 2012, 09:35:44 PM
Am I the only one that doesn't get why people do gendered things anyway?

I think the reason is, people like having their own spaces for things. People want to be able to express themselves and be able to relate to one another within their own gender. Which is why I think I wouldn't want to be in women-only spaces, but to each their own. I think having some gender-specific stuff can be good actually.

Quote from: Darrin Scott on October 28, 2012, 09:54:49 PM
I think having some gender-specific stuff can be good actually.

I agree with this. Co-ed stuff can be fun, but I know I need girl time every now and then.

Well, there are exceptions, of course. For example, none of my guy friends are willing to go girl clothes shopping with me.  :-\

Quote from: DianaP on October 28, 2012, 10:02:02 PM
Well, there are exceptions, of course. For example, none of my guy friends are willing to go girl clothes shopping with me.  :-\

That's so weird. I did that all the time when I waaaasss..... Wait a minute.... I was 13-14.... I only did it because they where my only 'friends'...

I agree with exceptions. People tend do do stuff together because they can relate to each other. If gender is one of the things so be it, but that is also why it will be uncomfortable to be a male invited to a female only party. Trans or not (even thought it will be hurting the person in question in two different ways.)

The reason why I said I didn't get gendered parties was because people said it was just nice to be together, but totally forgot why people sometimes do something only things and why it would be hard for a person not really qualified to it to be there.

@ Sparrow - Yeah I think that would probably be a better term to describe me, I pretty much just hate all gender boundaries. Though I know when given freedom of choice I gravitate towards somewhat feminine things, I hate myself for it but what can ya do.. it feels a lot more acceptable now that my significant other has come out as a transexual (mtf).. maybe I just hate people assuming that we are in a 'straight' relationship, idk.

Maybe you are bigender? (female and agender)

Okay, if it were me and I was the only guy who went to any old party, I'd probably be fine, but being a guy invited to a female-dedicated event would totally ruin it for me, no matter how good a relationship I had with the women involved. It's more about the dysphoria than anything else, and I totally get that.

You're in a tight spot though. For me I would either say no, or come out and say something along the lines of 'If you still want me to come as a close friend then I'd be happy to, but please don't expect me to present or act as female, and don't bug me when I choose to opt out of the spa-treatments.'

If you can't do either of those things though, take some 'extra-manly' things with you (fishing, sport, or motorcycle magazines, toy car construction set, etc) to recharge the man-battery at the end of the day, and help you feel better after all of the lace and fruity cocktails.

An awesome coping mechanism that helps me deal with dysphoria in a similar way to this is having something small and 'manly' (toy car, marble, multi-tool) in my pocket, as a sort of talisman that I can fiddle with when feeling uncomfortable or depressed. Really takes the edge off. :)

Things are gendered but it's not always monolithic.  I know several woman who are perfectly fine being out with the boys, and the boys are OK with them being there, and the same with men out with the women.  It's just a matter - like it is in all social situations - of knowing what the rules and guidelines are and staying within them.

I've read plenty of stuff in here about people who were 'uncomfortable' with their 'born-with' gender group, only to find out that they didn't like the other one much more.

I just thought of something else.   Doesn't  "OMG!  My friend decided to come out at my hen party"  sound like a whole lotta drama?  I mean the wedding is supposed to  be about the bride the bride the bride,  so you doing it now can be considered really tacky.  So with that in mind don't go or go and wear gender neutral clothing so as not to draw attention to yourself. 

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 28, 2012, 09:35:44 PM
Am I the only one that doesn't get why people do gendered things anyway?

I much prefer gendered events because I am not really comfortable with women IRL. So I tend to prefer all-male gatherings.

P.S. I had to look up "hen party," although I got the picture...

Quote from: Arch on October 29, 2012, 10:49:51 PM
I much prefer gendered events because I am not really comfortable with women IRL. So I tend to prefer all-male gatherings.

P.S. I had to look up "hen party," although I got the picture...

As said earlier it was because all the girls on here said it would be no big deal, but I wanted to see their reaction if I completely put all gendered events in question. The result was how much they talked about that they liked gendered events  :-\. I really don't get how they can say it's no big deal because you are with friends, but they really like gendered events. I'm not sure how that makes sense.

My logic is still: an all female event should never have a person of another gender (I'm not sure were genderqueer people are in this).

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 30, 2012, 08:36:16 AM
As said earlier it was because all the girls on here said it would be no big deal, but I wanted to see their reaction if I completely put all gendered events in question. The result was how much they talked about that they liked gendered events  :-\. I really don't get how they can say it's no big deal because you are with friends, but they really like gendered events. I'm not sure how that makes sense.

My logic is still: an all female event should never have a person of another gender (I'm not sure were genderqueer people are in this).

For me, it was not too much of a deal to go to my best friends bachelor party. We have been friends since we were six, so I was happy to go and hang out with him on his special night.

Also, at times I prefer gender specific events and activities simply because I enjoy spending time with the girls. I feel more at ease. For some reason, when a guy is around I don't feel like I can say as much. It is not to say this is when all guys are around. Mainly just ones I don't know.

Does this make any sense?

Quote from: Sparrowhawke on October 30, 2012, 08:36:16 AM
My logic is still: an all female event should never have a person of another gender (I'm not sure were genderqueer people are in this).

I'm with Sparrowhawke on this: people - including cis people - are entitled to have gender-specific events if they wish. I find them annoying and unnecessary myself but people do have a right to specify who they want to hang out with. Personally, I would be very uncomfortable going to an event that was exclusively female, and more importantly, one that by its very nature would mean that all attendees would be presumed to be female. I'd feel awful to be grouped with them in that way, even if they were my friends.

However, for a hen party the most important person is the bride-to-be. If she's a good friend, why not talk to her and ask for her views on the subject? If you explain that you'd love to be there for her but you'd feel every uncomfortable with doing girly things or wearing specific clothes, she might have a solution for you. It might not be a problem after all.

Quote from: tekla on October 29, 2012, 08:44:58 AM
I've read plenty of stuff in here about people who were 'uncomfortable' with their 'born-with' gender group, only to find out that they didn't like the other one much more.

Ha, that seems a bit like me.  I can talk with both men and women but prefer socializing with women and am sexually attracted to men.  I was very uncomfortable being around all women when I was being seen and related to as one.  Now that I am seen for whom I really am, a man, I find I enjoy talking with women more.  It's still awkward with other men, but I'm slowly getting over it, especially in the professional setting.

Quote from: Adio on October 30, 2012, 03:51:04 PM
Ha, that seems a bit like me.  I can talk with both men and women but prefer socializing with women and am sexually attracted to men.  I was very uncomfortable being around all women when I was being seen and related to as one.  Now that I am seen for whom I really am, a man, I find I enjoy talking with women more.  It's still awkward with other men, but I'm slowly getting over it, especially in the professional setting.

Wow, are we the same person? :{P

You don't have to come out or anything, just don't go if you don't want to deal with the awkward feelings. Even my best friends wouldn't be weirded out if I said "I don't think I can make it to *insert event here*, but thanks for inviting me!"

People have lives, you know? Work and school, or illnesses that get in the way are just a few things that could prevent you from going to your friend's hen party. Just be apologetic and chill about it all, and the response will typically be a positive one.

And if you're worried about being asked to be a bridesmaid, it's okay to say no. I know plenty of girls who have said no. It's not their thing, you know? If someone gets offended over something so trivial, they're probably not worth talking to in the first place. Good luck, mate.

Quote from: Bane on October 31, 2012, 03:08:46 AM
Wow, are we the same person? :{P

Haha, perhaps I'm your (friendly) doppleganger.  :P 

Quote from: FTMDiaries on October 30, 2012, 10:17:44 AM
I'm with Sparrowhawke on this: people - including cis people - are entitled to have gender-specific events if they wish. I find them annoying and unnecessary myself but people do have a right to specify who they want to hang out with.

I would go nuts without my gay men's group. In fact, I am going nuts. I've been too busy to go for the past month, and I miss the meetings VERY much. Maybe my feelings are this intense because I spent so many years on the outside of the community, just dying to get in and be seen as a regular gay man.

But I never went to all-girl gatherings even when I was living as a woman. Like bridal showers and baby showers and the like. I was invited a few times by coworkers, and the answer was always no. That sort of thing just wasn't for me.

I'm not sure how the OP has gone but for my 10 cents worth go. But go as a guy.

Why not? They are your friends and you like and love them.

Don't get all hung up on gender problems start to think about friends. Go as a guy.

If you Dad asks you to be a bridesmaid then say yes but you will choose you outfit. A male outfit.

I'm a bit strange about what the problem is.

Look at it from friends points of view. If your female friend wants you at her Hen night then it is a compliment. Go as you.

If that is too difficult then you are going to have a truck load of problems later on.  Things don't magically change, we always have to compromise.

JMO

Cindy

Quote from: Cindy James on November 01, 2012, 04:01:32 AM
I'm not sure how the OP has gone but for my 10 cents worth go. But go as a guy.

Why not? They are your friends and you like and love them.

Don't get all hung up on gender problems start to think about friends. Go as a guy.

If you Dad asks you to be a bridesmaid then say yes but you will choose you outfit. A male outfit.

I'm a bit strange about what the problem is.

Look at it from friends points of view. If your female friend wants you at her Hen night then it is a compliment. Go as you.

If that is too difficult then you are going to have a truck load of problems later on.  Things don't magically change, we always have to compromise.

JMO

Cindy

This.

Not really sure how, but you said what all the other people wanted to say in a way that I can understand it. If you don't want to come out you might need to do some compromises.

Quote from: Cindy James on November 01, 2012, 04:01:32 AM
I'm not sure how the OP has gone but for my 10 cents worth go. But go as a guy.

Why not? They are your friends and you like and love them.

Don't get all hung up on gender problems start to think about friends. Go as a guy.

If you Dad asks you to be a bridesmaid then say yes but you will choose you outfit. A male outfit.

I'm a bit strange about what the problem is.

Look at it from friends points of view. If your female friend wants you at her Hen night then it is a compliment. Go as you.

If that is too difficult then you are going to have a truck load of problems later on.  Things don't magically change, we always have to compromise.

JMO

Cindy

Cindy, so succinct, so true.

OP: if it makes you feel better at all, I work with a cis guy who has been to at least two baby showers by invitation and at my last job I worked with a lady who had her male best friend as her "maid of honor" so to speak, both obviously situations of typically female-only situations or positions, and both pertinent to your situation.

I agree totally with Cindy: go as yourself, go as a guy. As for the bridesmaid thing, either see if you can do the same, or decline.

OP-whatever happened? Did you decide to go and if so, how was it?

Well I wouldn't go if it was a very gendered event. I don't know, it depends on the women. Some women can get together without it being so. Depends on the people, I guess. I feel very comfortable with my friends at work who are all female. I would have to be whoever I am though.


Though hasn't everybody gone by now though.

--Jay J

Whoops, sorry I hadn't updated.

I decided to be honest and let the Bride to be know about my predicament. I didn't tell her absolutely everything but enough so she could see why it would maybe be awkward for me. She said she understood and not to worry as she's be doing other things before the wedding back at home so I could go to them.

After hearing that and really thinking about how awkward it might for me and all the girls involved I decided to politely decline the invitation. Just after that I received a text from another girl going, saying that she thinks I made the right decision and that she could tell I would be too awkward with all the 'girlyness' of the weekend.

I feel a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders as trying to weigh up the pros and cons was really stressing me. Still feel a bit stupid for passing up on 3 days in sunny spain but there are other times I can go I guess.

thanks guys and girls for the opinions  :police:

Still don't know about my Dad's wedding thing but it won't be for a while (I hope  :embarrassed:)