Susan's Place Transgender Resources

A few months ago I posted a topic describing my problems with PE. Until now my PE coach didn't take off points for not changing into gym clothes. Today she announced that monday she will start giving detensions for anybody that doesn't dress out. Since it's getting cooler I've decided I might wear my gym clothes under my uniform, but I know I'm going to get too hot. Also I'm very dysphoric about my body. When I get dressed/undressed I have to dress in the dark so I don't have to see my body. I just feel hopeless and I can't lose a credit for class. And I am having problems in my 1st pd class where this annoying and overly-sensitive girl is always asking me questions in hopes of getting my sympathy or concern about stuff that I just cannot relate to. So because of that I just shrug my shoulders or pretend like I didn't hear her when she askes me a question and now she thinks I don't like her. I don't care if she thinks that way because she is so sensitive anything can make her cry or think that a person doesn't like her. I hate living a lie. My life is not getting easier. I wish I were able to make that decision of whether to take hrt. I know I'm not an adult but I'm also not a little kid. I'm not planning on discussing anything about me being transgender again to my parents until maybe towards the end of my senior year next year. But by the way things are going it seems like I may have to talk to them sooner. I hate talking to my parents because my mom always tells me I'm not a boy and spits out bible verses. My dad tells me a sex change isn't going to make me happy. And I end up feeling emotionally, physically, and mentally drained.

I know how you feel bro. About school that is. when I was 14 or something there was this girl that tried to make me relate to her or something. When she found out I had it harder than her (not saying she didn't have it hard) she turned in to a bitch. Doing anything to make my life harder. It was really horrible doing PE. I doubt I could stand it now (I'm still under 18, but I don't have PE).
Sorry I don't really have much advise, but I do feel sorry for you

What is your moms religion? Because I have read the bible and NOWHERE could I find anything but love is better than war!

My parents are christian

There exist many different kinds of christians. For example catholic and protestanism. I guess they are catholic?

I don't know. I know they're not catholic though. I'm not really a big fan of religion so i'm not sure what kind they are

I don't know much about strong believers in Christianity, the only person I really know who is openly Christian (no where near the right term but I can't think of a better one) is very unprejudiced about things like this and seemed interested in trans issues -- although that could of just been her trying to work out if I was trans or just an extremely butch lesbian -- but I know that my aunt refused to get her ears pierced because she believes that "if we were supposed to have holes in our ears God would have made us born with them."  I think it's something about honouring the way we made by God.

Are there disabled toilets than you can get changed in?  The ones at my old school were just a single room which had a separate light switch and I used those to change in a few times.  Actually the changing room had a toilet in with a separate light switch as well (the bulb was broken for four years though).  The college that I'm at now has nothing like that though, the normal toilets also have larger disabled cubicles in which leaves me with no choice but to use gendered bathrooms and hope for the best, so it all depends on the building.

As for the girl I'm not sure what you can do, but ignoring her probably isn't the best thing if you don't want to upset her.  Just try to gradually distance yourself from her so she doesn't consciously realise you don't want to talk to her.  But my advice in this area isn't great, most people worked out quickly not to go to me with problems because I come across as heartless because I felt that the only way to get treated like and respected by guys was to be manlier than them.  The only time people came to me was with questions why their boyfriends acted a certain way, and that went well because they felt like they were having a girly chat but I could relate to their boyfriends because I'm male too.

I can't talk to my parents either because it just makes people shout and slam doors and my dad doesn't talk to me for days whenever I bring up anything like this.  And it'll rekindle the topic of my mental health which will inevitably lead to me going back to see my shrink, who is sadistic and just makes everything worse.  So I know how you feel on that count.  Can you go and see a doctor/councillor by yourself and get the ball rolling by already having a diagnosis for when you are 18 and can start T?

I remember I tried talking to my counselor last year and she was horrible. I think she sincerely tried to help me but she was so ignorant about what being transgender is. She thought I was just a lesbian and that I might have gotten raped as a child and because of that that's why I dressed masculine. Actually, because of that incident with the counselor I'm really hesitant to talk to a doctor or a counselor.

Is there anyway you can see another councilor?  I know what it's like with awful councilors, and they can really do more harm than good.  I couldn't get to see anyone else though because no one else would take on the responsibility of seeing me in my area and they couldn't fund for me to go out of the area.  If you can then I really would try and see someone else.

Hi Ryan

I remember your previous post: reading it brought back lots of painful memories of my own school experiences.

Before I continue, could I just ask you to please clarify exactly what you mean by 'dressing out'? That's probably what it's called where you live but it isn't a standard English phrase so many of us will be confused. I'm guessing you mean 'getting changed in front of other people.'

I blogged about this on my personal blog just after reading your previous post (http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.com/2012/10/gym-difficulties.html (http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.com/2012/10/gym-difficulties.html)) but the bottom line is that my school experience was similar to yours, in that my school was in an area where a conservative brand of Christianity ruled the roost and our teachers would viciously enforce their prejudices. I found my own little way of feeling just a little more comfortable, but there was no way I would ever feel comfortable in our skin-tight gym clothes. Seriously, are they designed by paedophiles? Why on Earth can't schools let us exercise in baggy clothes instead?

I also figured out that Christianity itself wasn't the root cause of other people's attitudes towards me: rather, it was their own internal bigotry which was reinforced and validated by what they heard from the (conservative, Lutheran) pulpit. I found that speaking out or trying to fight back against such attitudes would just mean that I would be more socially ostracised and punished more severely, because those people held all the power due to their numbers and they could club together and protect each other. My only solution was to hang tight and get the hell out of Dodge as soon as possible. ;)

Please don't let that counsellor put you off seeking assistance. You're right that she's ignorant about what being transgender is (in all fairness, most people are) but if you think she really wanted to help you, why not take her some information to help her do that? You will need to talk to someone eventually, so do your research so you know exactly what you're talking about, and take it with you when you ask for help.

Basically, school sucks and so does being a teenager - especially if you're transgender in an unaccepting environment - but it really is only temporary. Before you know it you'll be the master of your own destiny, and all of those idiots who think they know better than you do will have no power over you. Hang in there. ;)

School can be one of the nastier places for younger trans folks who either haven't been living stealth or able to transition at all. Is that one counselor you saw the only one you're able to speak to? I ask because some schools have multiple counselors, or even a legit psychologist available to their students. My former high school had a psychologist(but she was more or less in charge of special ed, as far as I know), a few different counselors who could help you with classes and planning, and then there was one lady who worked at an office in the next county over who had an anxiety support group.

Of course, your resources could be different. Maybe you should try to educate your parents in that while a "sex change" may not make you HAPPY, it may help treat the depression and problems that come with gender-related dysphoria. Basically like you're treating any other condition that affects your well-being. Treating it could involve therapy, hormones, surgery, etc. All the things you know, but said in a way that might open them up to at least supporting you by bringing you to a therapist who can help you deal with the problems at school.

They might not want to talk about it, but that's like not wanting to face the truth. You have gender issues, you want treatment. As your parents, they might think ignoring the issue is what's best for you(probably because they don't understand and don't know what to do with you), while that's not the case.

Be patient, but try talking to them about this calmly. I know it's hard to be calm, given the circumstances, but people tend to take things better if the other party is able to speak maturely and in a level manner. If your mom is the "burn everything different because SINNERS" type, try looking up a support group for Christian parents and print off some information to share with her. I'm not a religious type at all, but surely God would want you to do what you feel is best for your mental and physical well-being, right? Blah blah blah, you were made this way for a reason, and that's not your mother's call to determine why you're like this and what you should do with your body when you are an adult. Imo, I feel like you should at least have a supportive therapist who can help you. Your parents shouldn't deny you that.

Does your school offer an alternative to PE? PE is important and all, but if you can't bring yourself to dress out due to dysphoria, surely there must be another option for you and other people who cannot participate in the class.

And, failing that, have you tried just wearing sweats instead of regular pants on your PE days? You can just go into a bathroom stall and change out your shirt, and with colder weather coming up, sweats make more sense than shorts. I'm guessing your school has a specific shirt or something they want you to wear, and I'd just roll with it and put it on. You shouldn't have to dress out in front of other people if you don't want to. :/ I always thought that sort of thing was borderline abusive. Being in a state of undress around others is one of the most uncomfortable things I can think of putting a younger person through.

As for the girl, you don't have to talk to her or answer her questions if you don't want to. It may seem rude or whatever, but you're not her therapist. You don't have to baby her and take care of her. That's not your problem. If she continues to bother you, tell her to back off. Or if you would prefer being polite, just say "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm capable of answering your question/helping you/etc."

All in all, I feel for you. School is awful, at least in the social aspect of things.

Dressing out means changing into your gym clothes. I don't have a psychologist at my school unfortunately. I'm thinking about maybe just wearing my gym clothes under my uniform would be the best option for me. I only have two months left of pe so hopefully it won't be too bad

I've had a similar experience. In one high school, the students had to dress in one locker. I went into the shower stall and got dressed there. In another high school, we had to get dressed in a room with no bathroom. If P.E. was at 3rd period that day, I'd run to my locker, get my clothes and put them on underneath my uniform in the bathroom, then go to P.E. When I had a hectic schedule, I'd have to change in the bathroom during the period before P.E. It wasn't ideal, but at least I didn't have to take my shirt off in front of everyone. I was wearing a home-made binder back then, and I'm sure it would have caught a bit of attention.

I've heard people say a lot of weird things about what the bible contains. I'm lead to believe that they've never read the bible and are just using it as a powerful sounding reference to prove their own points. I got in some deep trouble at the catholic all-girls highschool I went to. I was sent there when I came out to my parents, and I was dead set on putting up a fight. I was headstrong because I was being persecuted, and I didn't exactly play my cards in the most intelligent way. I sort of dug my own grave a lot and everybody knew my business. One religion teacher tried to argue me down with the whole "If God meant to make you a man, you would have been born male" thing. I told her that it was the same logic as "People born with diseases are meant to die untreated and women who can't get pregnant aren't meant to have babies." I thought I was being clear about how these were just examples to prove her logic was invalid, but it struck a nerve with her because, unbeknownst to me, she'd gone through years and years of invetro trying to have a kid and thought that I was personally attacking her. Oh boy, I got in so much trouble at that school.

Thanks for the clarification. ;)

I think you're right: your best option is to just wear your gym clothes under your uniform for the next two months. It's only two months, after all. You can get through that.

I used to take my clothes into a shower or bathroom stall to change... Don't know if your locker room has those though.

Is there specific uniform you have to wear for sports?  Because if you're going to wear your clothes under your normal uniform some things are going to be easier than others to hide/wear comfortably.  If you have to wear polo shirts for sports like we had to I can't see how you'd hide that under a shirt without lumps and just generally being uncomfortable.  Could you cope with just wearing a t-shirt or tank under your uniform and then putting your sports kit on over the top of that?  That way you're just changing the upper layer and not actually bearing any skin.  As for the bottom half, could you do the same thing with thin shorts?  Mentally it would be a little like just being in boxers then.