Community Conversation => Non-binary talk => Topic started by: geoangelcandybutch on November 18, 2012, 08:12:34 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on November 18, 2012, 08:12:34 AM
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on November 18, 2012, 08:12:34 AM
For the longest time (14-19 years old) I thought that I was a guy. Not only that, I thought I had to do HRT (T in my case), had to do the surgeries. I thought that I had to want that in order to be trans*.
Back then, there wasn't a lot about anything but a specific way to be. I watched YouTube videos, I talked to other transmen, and got the same story. So I, of course, thought I had to want all those things too. So I put my femininity aside.
Eventually in late 2010 I started questioning myself again after meeting Genderqueer folks and realized that I really wasn't a transman after all. I did for awhile think maybe I was a cisgender womon, but realized that I wasn't a cisgender womon either.
I'm finally in an okay place with my gender. I do however still want to do HRT. Though I'm not able to get T right now easily. And I can't do natural transition because my body off of birth control just isn't good (and I already suffer from depression and can barely do much and without birth control I'd be doing even less). I'm hoping that with some talking with my doctors at Planned Parenthood I can figure out what's causing my body to be awkward without birth control and see if there's anything they can do before I see my regular doctor and talk to her about other things that I can do. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to medically transition, but it's something I want, but not as much as I thought I did back before I realized that I am in fact genderqueer and not a transman.
I'm just glad to know what my gender is (I don't call it "gender identity" just gender). It's good to know after so long.
Back then, there wasn't a lot about anything but a specific way to be. I watched YouTube videos, I talked to other transmen, and got the same story. So I, of course, thought I had to want all those things too. So I put my femininity aside.
Eventually in late 2010 I started questioning myself again after meeting Genderqueer folks and realized that I really wasn't a transman after all. I did for awhile think maybe I was a cisgender womon, but realized that I wasn't a cisgender womon either.
I'm finally in an okay place with my gender. I do however still want to do HRT. Though I'm not able to get T right now easily. And I can't do natural transition because my body off of birth control just isn't good (and I already suffer from depression and can barely do much and without birth control I'd be doing even less). I'm hoping that with some talking with my doctors at Planned Parenthood I can figure out what's causing my body to be awkward without birth control and see if there's anything they can do before I see my regular doctor and talk to her about other things that I can do. I'm not sure when I'll actually get to medically transition, but it's something I want, but not as much as I thought I did back before I realized that I am in fact genderqueer and not a transman.
I'm just glad to know what my gender is (I don't call it "gender identity" just gender). It's good to know after so long.
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: Emma Morgaine on November 30, 2012, 03:15:16 PM
Post by: Emma Morgaine on November 30, 2012, 03:15:16 PM
awesome. i'm glad you're finding some peace.
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on November 30, 2012, 07:14:45 PM
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on November 30, 2012, 07:14:45 PM
Thank you :) it's been a long journey so far and I'm glad that I've finally figured out who I am.
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: Emma Morgaine on December 01, 2012, 01:28:07 AM
Post by: Emma Morgaine on December 01, 2012, 01:28:07 AM
i feel like an onion. the moment i think i know something, another layer comes off revealing something more about myself!
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on December 08, 2012, 02:24:04 AM
Post by: geoangelcandybutch on December 08, 2012, 02:24:04 AM
Ha! I like that analogy!
I think that it takes many, many years before folks really and truly know themselves.
I think that it takes many, many years before folks really and truly know themselves.
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: Emma Morgaine on December 08, 2012, 05:26:38 PM
Post by: Emma Morgaine on December 08, 2012, 05:26:38 PM
i wonder if on your deathbed, in that last moment, do you suddenly go, "holy crap this is me." or "wow, i didn't know that about myself."
Title: Re: Transman to Genderqueer
Post by: ativan on December 12, 2012, 05:46:24 PM
Post by: ativan on December 12, 2012, 05:46:24 PM
"beeeee.....", "That's it?". But then, it's different for everyone I've talked to.
Ativan
Ativan